Chapter Text
Prologue
Vorona had never really understood love.
She’d grown up a lonely child, her father’s library of books her earliest and, for a long time, solitary teacher. And when she finally learnt to communicate with her father, it was the language of violence and destruction she was taught, and what she measured everything against. She didn’t think she had ever been capable of recognizing what love would look like.
But for the first time in her life, she had experienced peace and companionship amongst strangers. Acceptance by a group of people she not only tolerated but enjoyed the company of. Respect from someone who was her superior in every way – strength, endurance, resilience. And despite everything he denied, a purity of heart and goodness at his core.
Shizuo Heiwajima was a good man, a man she respected, who’d accepted her even when he knew who she was. He was more observant than she’d given him credit for, and even with all her flaws and conflicts, he’d forgiven her.
Her instincts had told her right from the beginning that despite his superhuman strength, there was nothing odd about Shizuo. She knew him to be utterly normal and human. While he thought he was a monster because of his insane level of strength, she wished he believed her when she said that he was not. He was human.
The absolute embodiment of superior human strength. But still human. Vorona knew there was more to Shizuo than just the surface violence.
She had wanted to spend time in his city, to revel in the peaceful life, especially after he’d learnt her truth. She wanted to learn from him, to grow and strengthen her skills and capabilities. The thought of living close to him and being his junior, his kohai – as he had put it – filled her with a sense of exhilaration she’d never felt before.
But she had to return to the motherland for now. There were debts she owed her father for the mistakes she had made.
Drakon was upset at her for being forced to make that deal with the Awakusu-kai for her sake. She knew it had alienated other groups in Ikebukuro, on top of all the trouble she’d caused when she and Sloan had stolen the weapons consignment and taken it to Japan. Truth was she’d run the first time because she’d wanted to find a reason to exist beyond the mercenary life. But she’d been a defiant fool and had made it worse by getting even more involved in the very lifestyle she’d been trying to escape.
Family was complicated and she couldn’t run forever from the consequences of decisions she’d made.
So, she made a deal with her father. She will repay him for the trouble she caused him with her time and then he will free her from her obligations. He did not understand what her reasons were for wanting to return to Japan but he didn’t need to. She was an adult and had a right to live her life as she chose.
She will fix this and return to Ikebukuro to find that feeling of peace again. A city that was, as she’d said, half despair, half jealousy, and a dash of hope.
After all Shizuo had said he would be there if she ever wanted to talk.
She didn’t know what this feeling was. It couldn’t be love because she didn’t understand it. But getting to know Shizuo well was to be her new reason for living. Shizuo, who was stronger than anyone she knew. And kinder than he believed himself to be.
She needed to finish her duties to her family. That was her obligation.
But then she would go back to Ikebukuro and fulfill her reason.
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The Beginning
Shizuo had always believed he wasn’t the kind of man who should be close to anyone.
Maybe he was a man, like she’d said, and not a monster, like that damned fleabag had claimed. But Shizuo knew he wasn’t normal. Never had been. He remembered the endless array of troubles he’d caused those he cared for in the past. Annoyance, destruction, hurt and pain – nothing good ever happened to people who got close to him. He knew the regret he grew up with, and still felt. The shame. He’d never wanted to cause any of that. Not to people who cared for him.
He knew it was better to not be loved. Even better to never love anyone. It was a trap and he had vowed from a time when he was a young kid that he was not going to fall into that.
But he was surrounded by fools who kept flocking to him and coming back to his side, despite his violent tendencies and knowing how dangerous he was.
Kasuka and his folks had no choice since they were family. But the others had made the decision to stick around. Tom. Celty. Simon. Shinra. Even Kadota and his friends. And now Vorona, his cherished kohai. She who had saved him from turning into a true monster, who believed him to be human, and worthy of saving.
Even when he feared he didn’t deserve it.
Still, he had accepted this offer of friendship, and conversations. This “duel of words,” as she’d called it. This symbiosis of the senpai-kohai relationship, which was still so new to him. He wanted to treasure this.
He’d never had anything like this before, violent as his life has been. He was happy to receive this kindness. Even if she was going away, he would hold this close. Close and dear to his heart.
And await her return.
Life resumed in Ikebukuro as the dust settled after the incidents with the Saika army. Or armies, as he heard from Tom and the gang.
That night was still a blur to him. All he remembered was the brain-melting fog of rage that had consumed him as he’d tried to kill that fucking bastard who’d caused all that chaos. That asshole had tried hurting Vorona. Killing him was one thing, they were mortal enemies, but trying to hurt people he cared for – that was unacceptable.
And it had nearly come to a head. It had nearly cost Shizuo everything.
For now, he was just happy the city was free of scheming human pests. At least for the time being. He’d promised Tom he was going to try and stay calm as much as possible. He was not going to undo all the good that Vorona’s saving his literal soul had done for him. He didn’t want to ruin this. He wasn’t as strong as he needed to be, but he was going to try to control his strength.
He was also relieved Celty was fine. They finally got a chance to catch up a few days after all the craziness and for the weirdest reason, she kept thanking him for trying to save her.
As if there was ever any question of that. He told her he knew she’d have done the same for him. In fact, she did save his life when she put out the fire from the explosion that blasted dickwad had… he stopped himself. No. He was not going to even think that asshole’s name. He was done with all that.
He told her he was sorry she’d lost her head again. She told him he was a good friend, and he felt happy, if a little embarrassed, at the sentiment.
But he was grateful he had more than one person who thought he was worthy of saving.
Akane showed up to visit him often.
Sometimes at his office, other times at the coffee shop when he and Tom were taking a break after work over drinks or food. It was always with a call or text asking for permission first. He marveled at the girl’s politeness and was always happy to spend time with her.
Tom told him she had a crush on him, and Shizuo thought that was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. He was very fond of the girl and knew she thought of him as a big brother, nothing more. After all, that’s what she called him – Onii-chan. Just like Kasuka called him Nii-san sometimes, when he was in a good mood, and that always made Shizuo happy.
Akane assured him she didn’t want to kill him anymore, because she now knew he would never hurt her family. But she was continuing with her self-defence training at the dojo and would tell him about all the new things she was learning.
He always patted her head and encouraged her to keep working hard and get strong.
She was part of the circle he wanted to protect. He’d do anything to keep these people safe.
Four months passed with things returning more or less back to normal for Ikebukuro.
Then Celty and Shinra announced they were taking a break from the city and were going on a tour of Japan. Shizuo was happy for them, especially for Celty who had wanted to visit so many places – she’d once shown him a list of the temples and gardens across Japan she wanted to visit for the longest time. She will finally get a chance to relax and enjoy some peace and quiet.
Because life in Bukuro will never be quiet.
There were new miscreants in the city and if Shizuo could throw them as far as the eye could see, he would.
In fact, he did many times over. He didn’t always succeed, though. Some of these assholes were more squirrely than that cockroach had been. They made it hard to keep a cool head.
Dumbass school kids. Always with their dumbass shit.
It was two months later, when one day, out of the blue, a package arrived at his doorstep.
It was unmarked and wrapped neatly in plain brown paper with just his name on it and nothing else. No address, no markings and certainly no sender.
Shizuo held it in his hands, his brow furrowed curiously, the unlit cigarette dangling from the side of his mouth. The package was small and not too heavy, but it was a solid, rectangular object. He couldn’t hear any suspicious ticking, so he ruled out a bomb.
He carefully unwrapped the paper and his eyes narrowed in confusion as it revealed the content: a book.
A book?
But then he looked at the title and his heart started to thud in his chest.
“The History of Olympics Gold Medals.”
His eyes widened as his mind flashed back to that memory of the Kishimojin Temple, him and Tom sitting with her on the steps, simply talking. An impromptu discussion on gold medals. And how floored he had been at the incredible amount of trivia she could spout.
Slowly, a smile broke on his face.
“Duel of Words,” huh?
Seemed like it had already begun.
He started the book that night, reading it slowly, relishing every word, every turn of the page.
It contained general knowledge about the history of forging precious metals for the Olympics. He felt a strange kind of lightness in his heart as he soaked in the trivia each page imparted, fondly remembering the conversation he and Tom had had with Vorona. That was the first true glimpse he’d gotten of her personality, and he’d immediately realized how smart she was. Beautiful, badass and a brainiac. Triple threat, as Tom had called her.
Shizuo chuckled as he recalled her disdain at being called those things.
He relaxed as he got comfortable on the couch with the book. He’d never been much of a reader, never been good with words. But he felt strangely content at that moment, reading the book. He wanted to savor it for as long as he could. Who knew when the next chance would come.
He sat up suddenly and chewed his lip, deep in thought.
She had wanted a duel of words, right? This was the start of a conversation, right? Then he should not leave this conversation one-sided, should he?
She was smart and intelligent, and he was delighted at the randomness of the trivia and knowledge the book gave him. But maybe there were some things he could teach her. After all, he was her senpai.
He thought he knew what he should do.
It took him two weeks to finish the book, and he’d have liked to think it was because he had wanted to extend the start of this “conversation” piece but suspected it might simply be because he was just that slow.
The next evening, after finishing work, he went a little out of his usual way to a bookstore he’d passed a few times on his walks but had never stepped inside. And then spent an hour browsing the shelves before picking up a book on Japanese Desserts. Yes. He remembered her enjoyment at sharing sweet cakes and pastries with him and Tom. They’d tried some of his favorite desserts, but there were many more he wished he could’ve introduced to her.
He asked the friendly girl behind the counter, who took his cash as he finished the purchase, if she could wrap the book for him. She did so in a plain light green wrapping paper and handed it to him.
Then he went to see Simon.
Ikebukuro’s social life had always thrived on rumors.
The Dollars were gone but there would always be other groups taking the spaces left vacant and the online chat rooms were still frenetic with activity.
Shizuo stayed away from them. He’d always hated gossip, hated the internet – even when he was in the Dollars, he’d hated the incessant chattering of rumor mongering. Stupid talk and bullshit insinuations always drove him bonkers, and he’d been trying to keep his cool as much as possible. So, he stayed away from the rumors.
But the rumors followed him everywhere.
He huffed at dumb shit he overheard from the other side of the room as he sat down at the counter as Denis served them Futomake. Tom tried to filter the content, so to speak, as Simon ruminated about ancient Buddha wisdom and told him how much he was growing by staying peaceful. And Shizuo decided to focus on those words.
This was break time. He didn’t need to kick anyone’s ass during dinner. Food should be peacefully consumed, said Buddha.
About five weeks went by before the next package arrived.
This time, it clearly had been mailed directly to him. While the sender information was still missing, the postage stamp distinctly displayed the posting location. Samara, Russia.
He hoped this meant she had gotten the package he sent through Simon.
He opened the envelope and was immediately intrigued by the contents. It was another book of course, and the topic this time was Systema, the Russian martial arts system.
He smiled. He recalled the conversation they’d once had, her mentioning how this had been the only form of martial arts she hadn’t learnt, out of defiance towards her father. Maybe sending this book meant she was making amends with him now. The thought made Shizuo happy for her.
Vorona undoubtedly knew more about Martial arts in general than he did by virtue of her expansive experience. But maybe he could send her the next book on Japanese martial arts. He wasn’t an expert on the subject by any stretch of imagination, and there were so many different disciplines. He was sure she would enjoy the subject regardless.
He just hoped Simon could continue being the silent go between for him.
Especially since Shizuo had assured him he didn’t need to know where Vorona was and that he respected her privacy. He just needed an occasional package sent her way.
To his relief, Simon hadn’t asked any further questions.
He’d just asked him to pay him back by eating more Russia sushi.
The next book came six weeks later, in an envelope mailed from Novosibirsk.
It was about local Russian cuisine of the area.
Oh. So, it really could just be random topics of conversation, he smiled.
The next book Shizuo picked up for her was on Rivers of Japan.
There was a good section on Sumida, the river that flowed through Tokyo, which he hoped she would enjoy. Although he never showed it to her, there were a spot or two along the east bank that he had always enjoyed for a quiet stroll.
But sometimes the rumors got to be too much.
Did you hear? Shizuo hurt this girl years ago who wanted to date him. He almost killed her.
Sometimes, rumors – while filled with many fabrications – could have a tendency to hold a kernel of truth. Those assholes were wrong about most of it. Shizuo had never really had a girlfriend. But even as a kid, he had been the unintentional cause of injuries for people who showed him kindness.
He felt a simmering rage when he heard stuff like that, but he realized his anger was directed mostly inward. It was linked to his own feelings of shame.
When you’d lived your whole life amidst violence, this was going to be the result.
This wasn’t the first time those kinds of rumors had emerged and it wouldn’t be the last. When you lived in Ikebukuro, you had to accept that rumor mongering was a way of everyday life.
The crazy also never stopped in Ikebukuro.
There was a new Headless Rider cult that was kidnapping people and pinning the blame on his friend. Celty wasn’t even in the city and people were turning against her.
Since he was easily infuriated, he got pulled into a few fights with those miscreant morons who thought they were hot shit but were really nothing more than annoying gnats. Tom lectured him on the virtues of ignoring fools and how much peace it could bring to his life if he tried it.
They were having makizushi Denis prepared for them, while Simon brought them tea. Kadota’s gang was having a heated discussion on the other side of the restaurant, and Shizuo kept getting distracted by the mention of some new Russian gangs appearing in Bukuro that were causing problems.
“Russians!” Tom wondered loudly. “I bet Vorona could’ve come in handy with them.” Shizuo’s eyes widened at the name.
Really? He wanted to ask. Only Vorona could come in handy? Did his senpai forget whose restaurant they were sitting in?
And as if he’d read his mind – but likely because he had ears like a bat – Simon appeared from somewhere to loudly admonish everyone in the restaurant for talking about Russian gangs in Russia sushi. Sushi was for peace, he proclaimed, not gang talk. They should follow Buddha's message of peace, and eat sushi with friends.
Shizuo hid a smile behind his tea and just wished Buddha could bring some calm to his life.
But it was never just one thing in the city.
There was a new type of drug in circulation.
Psychotropic stuff that caused severe hallucinations. The name on the streets being popularized was the Z-compound, as if it was something cool and trendy; and it made Shizuo beyond pissed. There had already been several attacks with people getting hospitalized and a dozen deaths related to them, and the police presence had been heavy on the streets.
Then Shizuo heard about the drugs making rounds around Raira Elementary, the same school Akane went to, and flew into a rampage.
He broke into three cartel locations and sent dozens of drug peddling thugs flying through the air and smashed into walls. He caused enough damage at the locations before the police arrived within one night that he made the local television news.
He was taken for questioning and spent the next two days answering questions by detectives from the drug division. He told them he knew nothing. All he had done was break some heads and destroy some warehouses. But it appeared, in his angered frenzy, he’d banged up some of the Yakuza Asuki thugs and they were unhappy to have so many of their so-called muscles picked up by the police. Well, those morons should’ve been keeping the drugs out of schools, then.
This went on and on for several more hours until finally someone he didn’t know talked to somebody somewhere he had no clue about and he was let go with a.. request to not cause any further damage. The police didn’t like him, but they knew better than to actually… try to warn him.
The next day Mizuki Akabayashi showed up at the office and asked him to stop taking matters into his own hands.
This was the first time he was meeting the Awakusu-kai captain directly. He knew his reputation as a dangerous but cool-headed man who did everything with calculated precision. Basically, he was the opposite of Shizuo. His manner of speaking was calm and deliberate, and Shizuo couldn’t help but respect a man who seemed to have a grasp on the situation. Shizuo rarely felt that way. He understood this man was a top executive in the organization and closely connected with the family. Though he was unsure how close he might be.
“I don’t like it when people I’m protective of are placed in danger,” Shizuo said. “Especially young kids. That makes me mad.”
“I assume you mean the young Miss Akane.” Shizuo was surprised to hear him say her name. “I’m aware of your friendship with her and I am very appreciative of your protectiveness as well. She’s very fond of you and thinks of you as a role model.”
Shizuo scoffed. “I’m not good enough to be a role model to a sweet girl like her.” He still felt something like warmth spread through his chest. “But she is like the kid sister I never had,” he admitted. “I want her to be safe.”
“Yes, as do we all,” Akabayashi smiled. “But she would be very sad if you went to jail, Mr Heiwajima. So my request is that you let us handle the drug cartels. We will get this under control one way or the other.”
Shizuo never wanted to get involved in Yakuza’s business again, but Tom had talked to him about how their ongoing feud with the Asuki group might have something to do with the new drugs. The merger had not gone as well as they had probably hoped. And hence the result was the new drugs which shouldn’t be out on the streets at all.
Shizuo couldn’t stand lowlife scum that would deal with such stuff.
In that, the Awakusu captain said, they both agreed.
Two days later, there was another package at his door. He noticed it was stamped priority mail.
He unwrapped it as he walked into his apartment.
It was a book on meditation techniques.
Shizuo closed his eyes and sighed deeply, feeling stupid at his foolish recklessness. What a dumb idiot I am, he grumbled at himself. This was going too far if even his kohai in Russia was worried about his behavior. He knew he'd promised her he’d do better, and he was obviously failing at it.
He had to take practical steps to learn how to control his anger.
The next week he found a local yoga studio and signed up for meditation classes.
He kept it quiet for exactly twelve days before someone saw him coming out of the yoga studio one morning, wearing yoga pants, instead of his usual attire, and the cover was blown.
Damn, he should’ve brought a change of clothes. No one would’ve suspected anything.
His friends were clearly shocked but still appreciative.
Tom was so happy that he offered to pay for dinner for everyone dining at Russia Sushi that night. Which was basically him and Tom and Kadota’s entire van crew, as well as Simon and Denis – which Shizuo thought was ridiculous, since they owned the place.
But if it made his friend happy, what was he going to say?
At some point during the evening, someone, maybe Saburou, asked him if he’d ever tried music for meditation, and before he could answer, Erika and Walker had started a heated debate over some weird ass manga character who was a musical magician, who could cast musical spells to meditate. Or maybe it was to levitate?
Shizuo couldn’t tell what was what with those two and their weird ass obsessions? Kyouhei apparently thought the same, because he yelled at his buds to keep the noise down, because no one could fucking meditate with those two around.
Shizuo always found it funny when Kadota got mad because he was usually so calm. But he had a good head on his shoulders and a loyal group of friends who supported him all the way.
And they were all good people Shizuo could trust.
None of his friends knew this, but Shizuo had always liked music.
Though, his tastes were very specific. He didn’t like everything out there.
Everyone thought he didn’t like music because he had always raged at the angry, loud death metal shit his classmates were listening to in school. Or the loud ska punk / hip hop crap with violent tones. Angry music only made him want to beat up assholes and tear things apart.
But he did listen to stuff that was calm and relaxing to his nerves. He enjoyed slow jazz and instrumentals, had always collected those albums. Though some of his favorite music ever was traditional Enka – especially when he was by himself. It was classical Japanese music, not all that popular these days, but he’d never cared for what was popular. It was kind of soulful and sentimental stuff, with heart-rending lyrics that no one would ever expect a man like him to be into.
Others might’ve considered them sad songs but this kind of music, he’d recently discovered, surprisingly paired well when he was trying to meditate. It calmed him down.
Three weeks later, when he’d finished reading the meditation book Vorona sent him – in fact, he read this one twice since it really helped him with his new hobby – he switched up things and sent Vorona a CD with Sayuri Ishikawa's music instead.
He hoped she would like it. This was the first time he’d shared his musical taste with anyone.
It didn’t even occur to him that the CD he was sending her contained a collection of sappy, Japanese romance ballads. He was completely clueless in that regard.
If he only knew how much confusion that would cause in Vorona herself, he would be mortified.
Celty and Shinra returned from their tour and Shizuo was happy to have his friend back.
He knew she was upset about the kidnapping cult and wished he could stop all the jerks who were causing this crap for all his friends.
It was days later, and after the fact – when everything had already been concluded – that Shizuo found out about Akane having been targeted by the kidnapping cult.
The kid was fine, Celty assured him. The Awakasu had managed to find their location and nipped this in the bud before anything could happen. But Shizuo couldn’t help but be pissed. It also appeared his friend had kept the details from him because she didn’t want him to cause property damage in Awakusu territory in his rage.
He understood her reasons but the fact that these kinds of assholes existed in this world made no sense to him.
He was also tired of being considered the unhinged monster everyone obviously thought he was.
Even if their fears were true.
In all the chaos, the one thing he looked forward to was receiving the packages in the mail.
Every time he saw his name and address written in what was now that familiar handwriting, Shizuo felt a calmness descend on him.
She sent him a photo book on Russian Bus stops – which he found absolutely fascinating. It contained pictures of Soviet era bus stops with unique architecture built by local people from small towns on desolate country roads. He never ceased to be amazed by how creative some folks could be.
His next book to her was about the Practice of Zen Buddism. He wanted her to know he’d taken her suggestion seriously. In fact, now that he’d gotten a little into meditation, he actually enjoyed reading on the subject. Just the other day he was in the bookstore searching for a book to send to Vorona and spent nearly forty-five minutes leafing through a book on Taoism.
Tom commented that the meditation was having a positive affect on his life.
The last time he’d come across drug peddlers dealing what he suspected to be a variation on the psychotropic/hallucinogenic drugs, he’d beaten and then hogtied all seven of them up with the same chain they’d wielded at him in attack. Then he’d called the police and had them arrested.
“You should’ve let some of them stay conscious, at least.” Tom had sighed.
“Sorry, man, you can’t have everything.” Shizuo had shrugged.
The next book Vorona sent him was about the world’s tallest mountain peaks.
He wished it were an audiobook which he could listen to while meditating. But then chided himself. No, of course the real book was better. That was what she’d sent. He appreciated her care.
He closed his eyes and attempted to remember the scenery the words in the book had evoked in his mind, and almost imagined her voice narrating it like one of her trivia dumps. And slowly he felt himself relax, as if all the weight was being lifted from his shoulders.
Sometimes he wondered, though, if his friends were only delaying the inevitable.
Because Tom was attacked by some dickwad who called himself the Slugger and Shizuo nearly had a conniption.
Later that night, after Shizuo had taken Tom to Shinra’s apartment to get patched up – Tom had somehow managed to evade the attack with a hammer – A FUCKING HAMMER – and his injuries – which were minor but STILL INVOLVED A FUCKING HAMMER – were being tended to, Shizuo found out that both Tom and Celty had been keeping the information about the Slugger from him. All because it was a psychopathic serial attacker who was rampaging through Ikebukuro disguised as a character his brother Kasuka was playing in one of his films.
Shizuo felt beyond enraged and also beyond stupid for being so damned clueless.
So, someone was pretending to play act as a dickwad assaulter dressing up as his little brother and had now attacked his senpai and dearest friend.
Needless to say, it took the three of them a lot of begging and cajoling to calm him down and to keep him from flying into a rampage.
He called Kasuka that night to make sure he was all right.
His brother reassured him he was fine and then apologized he hadn’t checked up on Shizuo prior to this. He admitted he’d avoided calling him at all because he didn’t want any mention of the Slugger attacks in their conversation as he hadn’t wanted Shizuo to get upset.
Shizuo knew he had no excuse to get pissed at anyone.
With the rep he had, it was no wonder everyone stayed eternally on edge around him.
Tom took the next few days off, during which the Slugger situation somehow got resolved.
Shizuo had Celty to thank for finding the jerkface who was acting as the Slugger. As it turned out, it was one of the dumbass school kids who’d been a pain in his ass these past few months. Those freaking bastards reminded him too much of his own time as a kid, never having one day pass when that damned fleabag hadn’t caused him trouble.
Some shithead journalist was in town interviewing people who’d had encounters with the flea in the past, and it took everything in Shizuo to keep a cool head and just give a one sentence response: If that asshole knows what’s best for him, he will just stay out of Ikebukuro.
He knew Celty had also met the same journalist and was worried about him. She’d probably expected him to fly into a rage at hearing the cursed name and it seemed he’d surprised her with his somewhat mature, mostly rage-free response.
“You’ve been doing a lot better lately,” she acknowledged. “You losing control helps no one. It’s good to keep a calm head on your shoulders. I’m so happy whatever you’re doing it working.”
He took a puff from his cigarette and slowly exhaled. He knew it wasn’t just him, and it didn’t always work. But the fact that life in Ikebukuro had been pest-free for the last two years had helped.
He wasn’t always good, and it sucked when he slid back every now and then, but the meditation had been useful. So had the postal service between Russia and Japan. He smiled softly.
It was all the little things.
The next night, he came home to find Tom waiting outside his apartment door.
“Hey, what’re you doing here?” he asked. “Aren’t you supposed to be resting?”
“I stopped by to check on you and to show you that I’m fine,” Tom replied. “See?” He pointed at his head. “The bandage is gone. So now you can stop worrying.”
Shizuo rolled his eyes. “I don’t think I can ever stop worrying about my friends, Tom. Especially when there are brain-dead psychopathic morons running around the city target--” He stopped in mid-sentence when he noticed the package in Tom's hand.
The familiar handwriting and the postage stamps on it were clearly visible. His rant derailed before it could pick up full steam.
“Oh yeah, sorry I found your mail.” Tom looked very curious. “Is this... from Vorona? It’s got no sender information but its obviously mailed from Russia. And I don’t think you know many other people in Russia.”
Instead of answering Tom, Shizuo quietly took the package from his hand and opened his apartment door and let them both inside.
He kept the unopened package pressed against his chest, his fingers clutching it tightly, as he took a deep breath and then turned around to face Tom.
But Tom was not looking at him. He was looking around his apartment, taking in whatever changes he deemed different from the last time he was here. He didn’t come here very often. Shizuo’s place wasn’t big enough to have many people over, it was just a studio apartment. Plus, he was not much of a host. So, he and Tom usually met outside.
He watched as Tom’s gaze moved around the room before resting on the bookshelf. It was a new addition, something Tom had definitely not seen. Shizuo had to get one to accommodate his modest but growing collection of books.
“Hey man.” Tom looked at him quizzically. “Have you been holding out on me?”
Shizuo stared at him. “What do you mean?”
“Since when do you read books?”
“Why do you think I don’t read books?” Shizuo shrugged. “I graduated high school, didn’t I? That would mean, I did read some books.”
That was a lame answer and Tom saw through it.
“Not schoolbooks,” Tom said. “Regular books. You’ve always stated you didn’t care for books. You were a decent student from what I remember, but you hated going through the text books even back then.” Tom moved closer to study the titles. “Hmm. Mountains of the world. Russian martial arts? That’s interesting. Russian Food. Meditation. Hmm, so that’s how it began. Russian bus stops?” Shizuo felt his face start to get warm. “Russian architecture. Olympic Gold medals.” Tom turned to him. “Shizuo! Did… Vorona send you all these books?”
His face was burning now, and he didn’t know how to control his reaction. Why did it matter who sent him the books? And why was he reacting this way?
“Hey buddy,” Tom said lightly when he hadn’t answered. “Would you please open this package you’re holding in your hands?”
“Why?” Shizuo grumbled.
“I’m just curious.” Tom spread his hands in front of him. “Well, actually you don’t have to if you don’t wanna, but then I’m just going to make assumptions.”
Shizuo frowned at him. “You’re really being an asshole,” he groused.
Tom’s eyes widened. “Oh, I’m sorry.”
But Shizuo huffed dramatically and opened the package anyway.
It was a book titled: Philosophy of Vengeance and Forgiveness. Huh? The name of the author sounded… Arabic?
Tom read over the title. “Hmm, that’s not lighthearted trivia. This stuff sounds heavy.”
Shizuo frowned at the book cover. Tom was right. This didn’t seem like the usual stuff.
“So… you’ve been in touch with Vorona all this time and kept it to yourself?” Tom was looking at him. “You two’ve been corresponding and kept it on the down low?”
Shizuo grimaced. “Not really. We’re not exactly corresponding.” He breathed out. “We just send each other books.”
Tom stared at him. “No correspondence. Just books.”
“Yes.”
“No talk?” Tom tilted his head to the side and stared at him hard. “Just books?”
Shizuo sighed. “That’s what I said.”
“And how long has this book-exchange been going on?”
He took a few seconds to respond. “About a year or so,” he said vaguely.
Truth was he knew exactly how long it had been since he’d received the first one. It was eighteen months ago on a Thursday night, and he remembered the exact date. He also knew when each subsequent package had arrived. He’d kept every single one of the envelopes after all.
“An entire year or so of no talks, just books,” Tom mused.
Shizuo heaved in a heavy sigh.
“This would be considered very weird for ordinary folks, you know.” Tom’s expression was thoughtful. “But for you two, it totally tracks.”
“What does?” he asked.
“It tracks that nothing with you is ever simple, Shizuo,” Tom declared.
He felt his hackles rise. “What the hell does that mean?”
“Hey, calm down.” Tom raised his hands in a conciliatory gesture. “I’m not making fun of you. I’m just…” There was a soft look in Tom’s eyes. “You really like her, don’t you?” Tom’s tone was strangely fond and Shizuo felt a little embarrassed. He felt as if he'd gotten caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to. He was relieved all the envelopes were hidden at the bottom of the dresser next to his bed and nowhere to be seen. Tom wouldn’t let him live it down otherwise.
“Stop,” he chided his friend. “You know I can’t.”
“Hey, why not,” Tom protested. “If I could make a bet on any girl being able to handle your craziness, it would be Vorona.”
“No girl should have to “handle” my craziness,” Shizuo replied. He wasn’t worth that kind of commitment.
“But look at all these books, Shizuo.” Tom was smiling. “You know what this means, don’t you?”
“What?”
“It means she likes you too.” Tom’s voice was soft. “You get that, right?”
“Stop,” Shizuo huffed as he turned his face away.
“I think it’s cute.”
“Shut up!”
He started the book that night after Tom left.
It really was a much heavier subject than the usual topics Vorona sent him books on. It talked about how killing even one soul was like killing all of humanity.
It was a fascinating read, but Shizuo was a little concerned. Did Vorona worry that she was a killer, so she was unforgivable? Or a bad person? That was not true.
Tom’s words kept playing in his mind. That Vorona must’ve liked him to have kept this up for all this time. But Shizuo had already known that because she’d called him senpai two years ago. He’d had so few people in his life who weren’t outright terrified of him that he’d eagerly accepted her friendship.
But it had grown into something more, hadn’t it? He knew he didn’t deserve it, but he was also selfish and afraid to let go of people who showed him any level of acceptance. And what Vorona had given him was precious, meaningful.
He felt restless that night as he lay in bed, tossing and turning for hours. He wished she were here so he could talk to her.
Simon was even more flabbergasted than Tom.
“Shizuo, you know Vorona is secretive,” the Russian said to him. “I do not know where she is. Still in home country.”
“But you’ve sent her my packages before.” Shizuo looked at him. “So, you must know where she is.”
Simon gestured with his hands. “I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows where she is to be reached. That is how I send.”
“Damn,” Shizuo muttered. “I was worried it was something like that.”
Simon stared down at him. “But you send her secret messages all this time. And you said you respected her privacy.”
“I do,” he assured him. “I just want to talk to her.” He sighed and tried to explain: “And they are not secret messages. Or any messages at all. They are just books. We send each other books.”
Simon frowned. “Books about what?”
“Just random stuff.” Shizuo shrugged.
“Books are good, filled with wisdom and knowledge.” Simon nodded, then frowned again. “But this no message is very confusing. You send her books with no messages through me, and she sends you books with no messages… through who?”
Shizuo shook his head. “No one. She mails them to me now.” He paused then said. “Well, the first one she sent through someone, I don’t know who.”
“It was me,” Denis spoke up from behind the door.
“You?” Both Shizuo and Simon said together.
“Yes. It was just that one,” Denis looked him. “After that, I do not know anything. I didn’t know Simon were sending her packages for you.”
“Shizuo.” Simon looked at him with troubled eyes. “This is incomprehensible. Why can’t you children talk like normal people? What is this talking in code?”
Shizuo looked at him bewildered. “We’re not children,” he protested. “And it’s not code.”
“Of course, it is.”
Exactly ten days after that conversation, on what would be just a random day – meaning a day when Shizuo was in the middle of yet another dumbass fight – Vorona showed up right back in Ikebukuro, as if materializing out of thin air.
******************
End of Part 1