Work Text:
Nick
I couldn’t explain why I got goosebumps as the announcer said the train was pulling into London. I didn’t think I was nervous to meet Charlie’s sister and his closest friends. And sure, it was going to be my first time seeing my best friend since the night we met. But why should that matter?
I met Charlie Spring back in November. I was visiting London for a weekend; Tara was studying political science at UCL and Darcy was working in a queer bar. I’d missed them so much our first year in uni, so over the summer we made a promise to visit more often.
It was a Friday night, and some of Tara’s friends from the LGBTQ+ Network were going out for drinks and dancing. They came over to her flat first to get ready.
“Hi, come in, come in!” she said exuberantly as she welcomed a few people in. I stood in the entrance between the sitting room and the kitchen, leaning against the wall with a beer in hand. I remember I felt super nervous. These were some of my best friends’ favorite people, and from everything I’d heard, they were all way more interesting than me. I figured I wouldn’t have much to impress them with. Most people at Leeds were sort of impressed by my status on the rugby team, but I know it’s not that exciting to people who aren’t into sports. Besides, these were UCL students, which meant they were much smarter than me and probably more aware of important things going on in the world. A few of them were even in a band, from what Tara had told me.
“Everyone, this is my best friend, Nick! He’s here visiting from Leeds. Nick, this is Sahar and her girlfriend, Lestiani, and that’s Violet, Charlie, and Jay.”
“Yeah, hi.” I nodded at each of them.
The awkwardness I felt didn’t ebb as they got ready. They were already all dressed in incredible outfits — and then there was me in a plain white t-shirt and black jeans. Then they had to go and break out makeup and nail varnish. Lesti and Sahar took turns doing each other’s makeup, Charlie was painting Violet’s nails, and Tara was leaning over Jay, dabbing green and yellow glitter around their eyes.
And I just… watched.
I’d done makeup with Tara and Darcy several times before, but we never went anywhere. The attention always felt nice, and they were skilled at applying winged eyeliner, so I readily agreed. But I felt so out of place here, and there was no way I could ask someone I’d never met to do that for me.
Turned out I didn’t have to ask.
When Charlie had finished, Violet came over to grab a can of cider. She handed it out toward me with her brows raised in a question. “Would you open it for me? My nails are still wet.”
“Oh!” I smiled and took the can from her. “I can do that. Can I see?”
She wiggled her fingers in front of me so I could see the bright colours — pink, yellow, and blue. “Pansexual nails!” She beamed.
“I love them!”
“Do you want yours done?” Charlie asked from his spot on the sofa.
I opened my mouth to demur, but Tara called over. “Nick’s favourite is the purple one I’ve got!”
Charlie brought Tara’s bag of varnish over to me, his mouth twisted into a grin. “You’ve got a favourite, have you? This one?” He pulled out a metallic lavender.
I shook my head. “No, it’s a medium purple, almost a blue-violet. That one.”
Charlie rolled the bottle in his hands as he considered it. “Sort of an iris purple, would you say? How many times have you done your nails with Tara?”
I spread my fingers out as my hand lay flat on the counter. “Nearly every time we hang out now. Which is not that often since we’re at different unis, I guess, but we used to have sleepovers quite often in sixth form?”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, her and Darcy and me.”
“I didn’t realise you’d known each other that long.”
“Mmm. I’ve known Tara since Year 8, actually. We kissed at a school dance.”
Charlie looked up at me, delighted. “What?!”
I laughed. “Yep. Didn’t see each other again for three years. When we did she came out to me and said that kiss helped her realise she was a lesbian.”
“I’m sure that was encouraging.” Charlie’s tone was teasing, and I couldn’t hold back my grin.
“Oh, definitely. Exactly what a sixteen year old boy wants to hear. Really boosted my confidence.”
We both giggled. “And now? Have you regained said confidence?” he asked.
The question caught me off guard, but he didn’t notice. His eyes were focused on my nails. I followed with another half-joke. “Well. I had one girlfriend in grammar school who realised she was sapphic after we broke up, but Tara’s the only one who has entirely sworn off kissing guys because of me, so I’m hoping that’s a good sign.”
Charlie hummed and just continued painting, but I saw the way the corner of his mouth ticked up in a smirk.
Tara ran over as he finished and put the glitter on the counter between us. “Here, Charlie, choose a colour for Nick. Don’t let him say no.” She shot me a stern look. “I’m going to change, and then we can leave whenever you two are ready.”
I looked at the collection with concern.
“Comfortable with purple nails, but not glitter?”
I bit my lip. “I’m fine with wearing it but… I don’t know, I’ve never worn makeup out in public before. Besides, I look so plain in my t-shirt and jeans. No amount of glitter is going to make me look as good as any of you.”
Charlie looked me up and down. “Trust me, no one will think you look plain.”
I sighed. “Fine. So what colour do you recommend?”
“Blue.” He opened the jar and dipped a brush inside, coating it in pale blue glitter.
“Just like that?”
“Yep.” The brush tickled as Charlie swept glitter across my cheekbones. “It’s the perfect complement to your freckles.” He turned my face with a hand on my chin so he could get the other side, and then took a small step back.
His gaze softened as his eyes locked onto mine.
“Close your eyes,” Charlie commanded, setting the brush down. He dipped a finger in the jar.
“Why?”
“Just trust me.”
I obeyed, letting my eyes flutter shut as he stepped closer again. I could feel his breath on my cheek, and then his cold touch at the outer corner of my eye.
“Keep them closed,” he whispered. I felt him dab glitter in the corner of the other eye as well.
“Okay. You can open them.”
Charlie hadn’t moved when I opened my eyes again. He was so close, and stared intensely back at me. And then he smiled.
“I knew it. It brings out the flecks of amber in your eyes.”
“Oh,” I breathed. “Yeah?”
Charlie blinked a few times and stepped back, clearing his throat. “Yeah. Perfect.”
I tagged along with them since Darcy was working that night. I tried ordering a beer after she made the others cocktails, but she just made a face at me and mixed me a drink that was much stronger than I usually go for.
I spent some time chatting with Tara before she and her friends dragged us onto the dance floor. My memories were fuzzy the next morning, as was my head, so I spent the day with my best friends watching movies at a low volume with the lights off. I didn’t hear from Charlie until Sunday. I was on the train back to Leeds when my phone buzzed.
unknown
did I tell you the other night that you have the best name I’ve ever heard?
Nick
lol
No you did not
Is this Charlie?
hopefully Charlie?
if you don’t know who this is, how can you be sure?
Nick
Because nobody told me that the other night
hopefully Charlie?
that’s a shame
because it really is a good one
nicholas nelson
Nick
That’s me
Would you please do me the honour of telling me your name?
I’m quite positive you’re Charlie, but what is your last name?
Charlie?🤞
oh youre positive are you?
Nick
Let’s say hopeful…
Charlie!
good answer 😏
charlie spring
Nick
Charlie Spring!
That is an excellent name too
Charlie!
lol
We never really stopped texting after that.
The rest of November and December were a blur; my coursework was piling on and holiday parties were taking up a lot of my free time, but all of that sort of fell to the background. Talking to Charlie made my day better. We got to know each other quite well, and soon found a habit of facetime while we studied at least once a week until the Christmas holidays.
My mum caught on before we even made it home the night she picked me up from the train station.
“Whoever you’re texting must be a very special friend.”
I looked up at her with a nervous smile. “I mean, he is one of my best friends, but what makes you say that?”
“Nellie has been whining at you for several minutes and because you’ve not paid her any attention.” Mum chuckled. “Even she knows that’s not typical of you. I think she might be jealous.”
“Oh.” I looked down at my lap. Sure enough, my dog had her chin on my thigh and was looking up forlornly. “Aww, Nells, I’m sorry.”
“Boof.”
I laughed at her complaint and took a quick photo.
Nick
[image of black and white border collie]
Gotta go
Nellie is upset that I’m not petting her
Charlie
oh my GOD she’s so adorable
YOU NEVER MENTIONED YOU HAD A DOG
WTF are you texting me for, Nellie deserves all the love and pets
After that Nellie got lots of attention and forehead kisses and scritches behind the ears.
* * *
Hanging out with the girls was a little odd during the holidays. Tara interrogated me about mine and Charlie’s friendship. I didn’t think it was that weird.
“Uh, so Charlie Spring has mentioned you a lot lately. Are you friends now?”
“Yeah, yeah, we text each other all the time. He’s probably…” I considered it and then said with confidence, “Yeah, he’s probably one of my best friends right now. Apart from you two, of course.”
Tara nodded slowly, like she was doing some calculations in her head. I didn’t know what to make of her smile and the way she raised her eyebrows.
Nick
Soooo
Charlie!
???
Nick
Tara says you talk about me a lot
Charlie!
omg she didn't
Nick
She definitely did 😏
Charlie!
welp
that’s embarrassing
gonna go crawl into a hole and never come out now
Nick
lmao
How does the process of coming out of a hole differ from coming out of the closet?
Charlie!
fuck off
you're suck a dick
SUCH A DICK
oh god
Nick
🤣🤣🤣
Freudian slip much? 😏
Charlie!
[gif of Homer Simpson disappearing into hedge]
goodbye forever
Nick
😂
Noooo come back
Charlie
Charles
Charlie!
leaving you on read for eternity
Nick
Charlie Spring
Charlie!
charlie spring can’t come to the phone right now
why? oh because he’s dead
Nick
omg 😍
Charlie!
what?
Nick
A Taylor Swift reference!!! I fucking love her
Charlie!
that’s a little 💅 of you nicholas
Nick
Way to stereotype, Charles
But I do not care
I am an out and proud Swiftie
Charlie!
lol
“Niiiiick.” Darcy said my name in a sing-song voice, drawing out the single syllable as her tone went up and down.
I heard her but I just hummed and started typing a reply.
A crisp hit my forehead and landed on the floor in front of me. I looked up from my phone to see Tara and Darcy both staring at me with raised eyebrows. “What?” I asked.
“Who are you texting?” Darcy asked me teasingly.
“Charlie.”
Tara squeaked. “Really?! This whole time?!”
“Yeah? I had to tease him about talking about me all the time.” I could feel the smirk take up half my face. Whatever. It felt nice to know that this person who had quickly become one of my favourites was thinking about me too, even when we weren’t actively texting.
“Ohhhh, so you’re flirting,” Darcy said. “Carry on, then.”
“I’m not flirting,” I said. I felt a little confused. They both knew Charlie. I’d met him because of them, after all. They knew he was a guy. “I’m just taking the piss.”
They exchanged a look. I was about to question them about it when my phone dinged again.
“Psst!” I looked up again and Tara was giving me another intense look.
“Okay, okay!” I took a photo of her face and sent it to Charlie, texting him to explain while I twisted around, keeping my phone out of her grabby hands.
Nick
Sorry Char, Tara’s insisting I pay attention to her and Darcy now
Pretty sure she’s going to confiscate my phone
Talk later
* * *
Tara kept being weird about me and Charlie but wouldn’t say what she was thinking when I asked, so eventually I decided to ignore her.
I did get a text from Charlie right at midnight on New Year’s. I was at a party surrounded by friends and old school mates. Tara and Darcy were probably somewhere eating each other’s faces and loads of other people around me were kissing their partners or dates or someone random. I’d shrugged away from a girl paying me some attention; I just hadn’t really felt romantically inclined towards anyone in a few months, and no one at that party was changing that. And then:
Charlie!
happy new year nick x
I stared at the screen for a moment. I was a little tipsy and couldn’t really explain why I was grinning like an idiot, but something about Charlie’s message just made me happy.
I sent one back just before the clock turned to one minute past.
Nick
❤️
Happy new year, Char x
I never told Tara about those messages. I didn’t really know why. I just wanted to avoid her funny cryptic looks.
* * *
By the end of second term I had learned one thing above all else: Charlie Spring was a shameless flirt.
I frequently found myself growing warm at his suggestive messages. They made me laugh, though, and honestly amazed me. After all, I couldn’t bring myself to flirt half so boldly with girls I knew were into me, let alone people who weren’t attracted to men at all, so the fact that he had no qualms about flirting with his straight friend was just plain impressive.
It was a herculean effort, but I did my best to give as good as I got when it came to his teasing. I knew my rugby teammates made some assumptions — they weren’t quiet, asking each other, “Who’s Nelson chirpsing now?” — but I let them assume. It kept them from trying to push me to hook up with girls when we’d go out after games.
* * *
Third term added a lot more to Charlie’s plate. He had decided to run as the officer of his school’s LGBTQ+ Network and elections were happening really soon, and he was also scrambling to complete a major project for his literature course.
So it understandably slipped his mind to tell me his birthday was coming up.
He had shared with me a couple months prior that he hated cooking alone. Having someone there, or at least someone to talk to, was motivation for him to actually cook. Without that, he was likely to just stare at the ingredients for far too long and eventually put them away in favour of a bit of toast. I’d encouraged him to call me whenever he wanted someone “there” while he made food, but he rarely needed to.
He shared a flat with his sister and her partner, and they were usually around to join him or to wheedle Charlie into helping them cook. When they were gone for a couple of days in mid April, though, Charlie called me.
“Hey Char!” I could see my face light up in the smaller window.
“Hi! You answered quickly. Where are you?”
“Just walking home from the gym.” I squinted at the small screen to get a better look at his face. “Did you get a haircut?!”
“Yeah, like two weeks ago. Catch up, Nelson.” He gave me a teasing smile.
“Wow, okay, not like I see you in person ever. And I can’t get a good look at your face during our study calls, this is much clearer.”
Charlie preferred to study at his desk with just the lamp light, so it was always so dim during those calls. Plus we were each focused on our work, so the camera was rarely focused on his face. By contrast, their kitchen was small but bright, and Charlie had his phone propped up against something.
He gave a small, nervous laugh, reaching up to pat his curls down. “Is it- is it bad?”
“No!” I rushed to reassure him. “You look… it looks great! So what are you making? It’s very noisy,” I said with what I hoped was a casual, easy smile. I didn’t want to focus too much on the food, but I figured if I kept it lighthearted it might be okay?
I was relieved to see the grin on his face. “Just a stir fry! Yeah, the oil is loud.”
“That sounds nice. So how’s your big paper coming along?”
“Oh good, it’s nearly done. I have one last argument I want to make, but I can’t sort out how to put it in, like, academic paper form. You know? But Tao, Elle, and Isaac are all coming to London for my birthday next weekend, so I’m sure Isaac will help.”
I had to stop on the stairs to my flat to process what he’d just said. I frowned at the screen. “Wait, when is it?!”
Charlie looked at me in confusion. “When is what?”
“Your birthday!”
“Oh. It’s sort of… next Sunday? We’re going bowling Saturday night and then getting brunch in the morning before they head back to their respective unis.”
“Saturday?! That’s… only nine days from now!”
He wouldn’t look at the phone now. He was avoiding eye contact with me, I knew it. “Um. Yeah.”
I unlocked my door and let myself in, plopping onto the couch when I found the living room empty. “Gee, thanks for giving me barely any time to get a train ticket, Char.”
“You don’t have to come,” he insisted. His face had grown rather red, and I figured the stove must have been quite hot.
“Oh, I am coming. I mean… if you want me there,” I added, because I realised there could be a reason he hadn’t told me or invited me. I certainly thought of him as my best friend, but maybe he didn’t share that —
“Yeah. Yeah, that’d be nice.” Charlie’s smile was bashful now, but he really seemed like he meant it. I could feel my anxiousness calming down a bit and felt something warm like pride in my chest as I let myself believe him. Charlie did care about me enough to include me in his birthday celebration.
I texted him a few hours later when my plans were confirmed.
Nick
Got my ticket! I’ll get in just after 6!
Charlie!
omg 😍
i cant wait to see you x
oh but tao and isaac and elle will already be here by the time you get in, so i can’t meet you there
Nick
That’s fine! Tara and Darcy will meet me at the station
I’ll drop my things off at theirs and then we’ll come meet up with the rest of you
Charlie!
no, keep your things!
i want you to stay with me
i want as much time with you as possible while you’re here ❤️
Nick
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Okay xx
* * *
My train arrived behind schedule, so I made the girls practically run in my haste to catch the bus. I chatted the entire ride to Charlie’s flat, as I always do when I’m extremely excited about something. Darcy might have been the only person who could get a word in whenever I got like that, and she certainly didn’t do much to bring me down, so we just kept talking about the night more and more animatedly.
And then we were there. Outside Charlie and Tori’s. I took a deep breath.
“Nick.” Tara grabbed my hand, her expression concerned. I turned towards here, ready to listen. “Look, before we go in, I wanted to talk to you about — Darcy, wait!”
Darcy was already knocking on the door.
Too late. The door opened, and it was none other than Charlie. His eyes lit up like stars when he saw us. Or hearts. Or sparkly, starry, hearts.
“Hey.” My cheeks hurt from smiling so widely. Charlie. God, he was the best. I knew there were eight of us there to celebrate with him, and I might not get much time to just hang with him, but I didn’t care. I was so fucking happy simply to spend time near him this weekend.
“Hi!” he said, beaming at me as if I was the only person standing there.
“Charles!” Darcy loudly announced her presence, making Charlie jump. “Happy belated… no, it’s not late, is it? Happy be-earlied birthday!”
She led us all inside and went straight for the drinks. I stayed behind as Tara gave Charlie the biggest hug.
“Thanks for picking Nick up,” Charlie was clearly addressing her, but his eyes were already back on me.
“Our coats are right over here.” He led us to a chair where outerwear was piled high. “Nick, you can leave your bag here too.”
“Great!” I set my rucksack on the ground by the chair and knelt to unzip it. I pulled out a small gift bag before I stood and faced them again. I could feel my cheeks growing warm.
“This is for you,” I said, holding it out to Charlie before I could change my mind.
“You didn’t have to get me anything!”
I shrugged, and the hand not holding the bag came up to the nape of my neck. I felt a little embarrassed, but I couldn’t break eye contact with Charlie.
Charlie just grinned and reached for my wrist. “Come on, I want you to meet my friends.”
We followed closely and joined Darcy in the kitchen with the others. The conversation I could hear from the front room had been lively, but it died down as we walked into the room.
I smiled broadly, hoping to communicate how glad I was to be there as I looked around at people I’d never met before. Then Charlie leaned in, hugging my arm, and introduced me.
“This is Nick, my boyfriend!”
I froze.
Boyfriend?
“Boyfriend!”
“My boyfriend!”
“Nick, my boyfriend!”
Did Charlie seriously just introduce me to his sister, her partner, and all of his best friends as his boyfriend ?! Yes, yes he had. Fuck. I was panicking in my mind but trying not to show it. Were we boyfriends? Did he think I was gay?! Or… something else other than straight? I wondered how to say something — if I should say something. But god, wouldn’t that be mortifying? There was no way I could do that to Charlie during his birthday celebration.
I realised I had to go along with it. I shot a look over to Tara. She was already looking at me with concern. I needed to talk to her, but until we could talk privately, I needed her and Darcy to stay quiet. I hoped she could read all that in my face.
While my mind was racing, the group was all introducing themselves to me. Thank god I could sort out who they each were based on everything Charlie had said about them. The surly boy in a beanie was Tao; the gorgeous, tall girl beside him must be his girlfriend Elle; and the one with a book in hand was obviously Isaac. Charlie’s sister Victoria — Tori? — was the other girl in the room, the one who looked stoic at best. And that meant the tall, friendly looking guy behind her was her… person. Michael. Charlie didn’t seem to know how to describe them, but they lived in the same room here in the flat they shared with Charlie, so. Yeah.
My eyes shot over to Tara, who once again had a look of concern. She didn’t seem too surprised, and I knew she must have had some idea this was coming. My eyes bored into hers from across the kitchen as I tried to ask her telepathically, “What do I do?!”
Darcy turned to look at me in confusion, but thankfully Tara shushed her before she spoke up. I had to handle this.
I looked around again and tried to school my expression into something resembling politeness as I shook the hands of Isaac and Michael, let Elle hug me, and waved kindly but awkwardly at Tao and Tori as they stood clearly appraising me.
“Um. Uh, hi! I’m Nick. It’s nice to meet you all.”
“You too, Nick. We’ve heard so much about you!” Elle was clearly a pro at putting people at ease. My shoulders relaxed a little.
I grinned. “Yeah, Charlie’s told me lots about all of you; I feel like I already know you!”
I tried to make casual conversation with everyone for a few minutes until Elle looked at the clock and clapped her hands.
“Ooh, we should leave for the bowling alley soon if we want to make our reservation!”
She corralled most of them into the front room to start putting on coats. I noticed in the corner of my eye Darcy and Tara hanging behind while Charlie turned to me and smiled brilliantly, his blue eyes shining.
I had forgotten how piercing his eyes were and how much I liked his hair. As he grinned at me I was, well, bowled over (pun not intended) by his dimples too. In the shuffle of arriving and walking in to meet the others, I hadn’t even taken stock of how I finally, finally had my best friend in person in front of me for the first time since I met him in November. The overwhelming feelings in me were too much as I stared at him. I needed to hug him.
I threw my arms around his shoulders. “I’m so glad I was able to come this weekend,” I mumbled into his ear.
Charlie’s arms wrapped around my back as he tucked himself into the hug, a puff of air hit my ear as he laughed, and the sensations all churned together, making my whole self feel fizzy, like my blood was aerated.
It was really fucking weird.
“Charlie, hurry up!” someone shouted from the other room, and he extricated himself from my arms.
“I need the loo before we go,” he said. “Be right back.”
When he was gone, I turned to see Tara and Darcy rushing over to me.
“Oh my god,” I groaned. “How did this get so mixed up?”
“I had a… feeling. Based on some of the things Charlie had said about you recently.” Tara chewed on her lip worriedly. “I wanted to talk to you in person, but I didn’t get a chance, I’m really sorry Nick!”
“It’s not your fault.” I sighed. “I just don’t know what to do. Like, that conversation is going to be… fuck it’s going to hurt him so much, isn’t it. And I really don’t want to do that!”
“You have to, though.” Tara’s tone was sympathetic but firm. “I understand not wanting to ruin tonight, but maybe after you guys come back here? Or tomorrow when you wake up, if he’s too drunk tonight. You don’t want to string him along.”
“Or you could just… be his boyfriend instead?” Darcy offered with a shrug.
Tara rolled her eyes and I gave Darcy a pained smile just as Charlie came back in.
“You ready?” he asked, looking between the three of us.
I swallowed and let myself smile naturally as I turned to him. “Yeah. Let’s go.”
I could do this. I would let everyone think Charlie and I were boyfriends for a few more hours, and then I would let him down as gently as I could.
* * *
I was literally awed as we walked in. I’d been to London a fair few times, but never to go bowling. I didn’t even know they made bowling alleys like that. It was all sleek and the lighting was dim, just glowing coloured lights like I’d seen in clubs. The shoes we rented were nice and had a very vintage look about them, and the bar was… well that was like a typical London bar. Much posher than one I’d usually go to with the lads, with expensive and complicated cocktails.
We ordered burgers and a ton of chips to share between our two lanes. At least the game itself seemed like the same sort of bowling I’d done with school friends back in secondary.
I could hear a bass booming that didn’t suit the song playing overhead and tried to find where it was coming from.
“That’s one of the karaoke booths!” Michael said loudly, pointing behind me.
“They have karaoke here, too?!”
“Yes!” Elle clapped her hands excitedly. “We’re playing two games and then we’ve booked a karaoke lounge!”
I turned back to Michael, worried. “We’re doing karaoke?!”
“ We are not,” Tori said empathically. “You lot are.”
Oh. “Shit.”
Sure enough, after our second game, Tori and Michael hugged Charlie and said they were headed out. Isaac shrugged off too, heading back to the little place he, Tao, and Elle had rented for the weekend.
Darcy and Elle led the charge to the karaoke booth, and their partners followed without question.
Leaving just me and Charlie.
He leaned against a wall, tilting his head as he looked into my eyes. “You okay? You’ve been sort of quiet all night.”
“Oh.” I knew why I was off, but it was obviously not the moment to have that conversation. “Yeah. It’s just… weird.”
“What is?”
“Being here, being with you in person, for the first time since we met. It’s good! It just feels… surreal.”
Charlie looked thoughtful. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. I wish we didn’t live so far from each other. I wish…” I sighed. “Ignore me. I don’t know what I’m saying.”
His eyes were twinkling as he leaned in closer. “No being sad on my birthday.”
I laughed and stood up straight. “So!” I asked, hoping I could successfully diffuse the moment. “Should we join them?”
Charlie’s gaze flickered around my face and his expression changed. He pulled out his phone, rapidly sending off a text, and then he put it back in his pocket.
When he looked back up at me, my breath caught in my throat. There was so much emotion in Charlie’s eyes. No one had ever looked at me like that before. The corners of his eyes crinkled as his smile widened and grew more shy.
“I really want to kiss you right now,” he whispered. I could tell it was simply a statement, not a request, but my head was spinning.
Even in the dim lighting, I could see the colour in his cheeks as he admitted it, and I was mesmerised. His eyes, his hair, his dimples, and now his blush?! How had I ever missed how pretty he was?! My gaze fell to his lips, and my thoughts were consumed with wondering how they would feel against mine. I could work out the confusing parts of feeling this way later. Right now I just… really wanted to kiss him, too.
I met Charlie’s eyes again and drew in a sharp breath. “Me too,” I said.
“You sure?”
“Yes.” I don’t think I’d ever been so sure of something before in my life. I needed to know what it felt like to kiss Charlie Spring.
He stepped closer to me. I could smell the lemon on his breath from the cocktails he’d had.
The kiss started soft and slow. Our lips met once, lingering, and then again. I breathed in deeply as we hovered there for a moment, millimetres apart, and it felt like there was infinite potential energy, like we were at the highest peak of a roller coaster before the plunge. I held my breath, I held my eyes shut, not knowing if we would take the plunge. I could hang forever in the potential; I knew I would be devastated if we didn’t fall into it.
And then we fell.
Charlie kissed me eagerly, insistently, hungrily, pressing his mouth to mine again and again, and I met him there every time. Somehow Charlie turned us without breaking the kiss, manoeuvred his body and mine until my back was against the wall and he was pressed up against me, chest to chest. I gasped as the kisses hit my bloodstream, and Charlie took my open mouth as an invitation. I moaned when I felt his tongue against mine. My hands gripped his jumper at the small of his back. I needed him closer, so much closer.
When he did finally break away from the kiss to gasp for air, I wasn’t ready for the cold oxygen yet. I needed the warmth of his skin against my lips; I needed my lungs to keep burning. So I moved my mouth to Charlie’s jaw — god, I’d never felt someone else’s stubble against my cheek before — and then to his neck, where I placed more open-mouthed kisses, letting my teeth scrape against the sensitive skin and then soothing it with my tongue.
Charlie whimpered as I sucked gently at his pulse point. I vaguely thought about pulling back to make sure this was okay, but then his fingers were in my hair and he was holding me in place as his breathing became heavier.
After another minute he tugged. I lifted my head, and his lips found mine again for a few simple, sweet kisses, like the slowing of the carriage as the roller coaster ends.
When we parted, it was all we could do to stare at each other, catching our breath. I didn’t know what Charlie was thinking, but I was utterly shaken. I had never felt that depth of feeling, that meteoric desire for him before. I debated with myself what was more likely: that the person in front of me was entirely new to me, or that I was a new person, someone I had never been before. I began to suspect it was the latter because the effervescence in my blood was reaching the point where I thought it might be a new normal for me. Like my entire physiology had changed in the course of a kiss.
Charlie exhaled audibly and raised an eyebrow. “Wow. If I had known you would kiss me like that, I’d have dragged you here sooner. Or put myself on a train to Leeds. Holy fuck, Nick.”
My hands came up to my face. “I didn’t know… I don’t know what came over me,” I said, peeking between my hands.
He smiled oh so sweetly at me and took my hands in his so he could see my face. “I hope whatever it was comes over you every time you kiss me.”
* * *
The rest of the night went by in a blur for me. I couldn't focus on anything except reliving that moment over and over until finally we all went our separate ways and I followed Charlie back to his.
It was just gone midnight and I was sitting on his bed, still in my jeans. Charlie had gone to brush his teeth, and I knew it was time but I was terrified. A few hours ago, when I arrived and first heard Charlie introduce me as his boyfriend, I was only nervous because I didn’t want to hurt him. Somehow the idea of being with him had settled within a matter of hours, and now I didn’t want anything else. There was so much more at stake now.
He came into the room and smiled at me, shutting the door behind him. I drew a deep breath.
“Char… can we talk?”
His smile fell, and he froze.
God, it was already terrible. I looked down at my hands. “Charlie… um. When did you first think of us as boyfriends?”
“What?” I dared to glance up and found a deep frown on his face.
“I just… We never said. So- so I wanted to ask—”
“Are we not?” His tone was sharper than I’d ever heard. “After that kiss, are you going to sit there and tell me we’re not?”
“I just don’t know…” I felt so small as I tried to find words to say that this was new information to me while also convincing him that I wanted it more than anything. “I didn’t know, Char. I didn’t know that’s what you thought until you said it tonight.”
“Seriously?!”
“I… yeah.”
“Oh my god.”
I needed more answers. “And um. What- what did you think I… was?”
“I don’t understand.”
“Like… my sexuality.”
“Oh.” Charlie walked over to sit on his bed. “You never actually said, but you mentioned ex-girlfriends, so I assumed you were bisexual? Or pan? Although comphet is a bitch, so you could totally have dated girls and then realised you were gay, but… But you never actually came out to me. And that’s fine! You don’t owe me that.”
“I don’t know what I am,” I said. My voice was hoarse with emotion.
“That’s okay, too, Nick.”
I shook my head. “I’m not gay. I do- I do like girls. Bisexual… that might be me.”
“Yeah?” His voice was soft and kind, but fear and confusion were brimming over within me.
I nodded, blinking rapidly in a futile attempt not to cry. Charlie saw anyway.
“Nick?”
“I didn’t know.” My voice shuddered with tears. “I didn’t know until—”
“Until?”
“Until tonight.”
“That’s alright! Some people go unlabelled for years, it’s okay that you haven’t known.” His hand was on my back, moving in soothing circles. “I hope I didn’t make you feel pressured to put a label on it, sweetheart.”
Sweetheart. God, I loved that. A proper sob tore out of me as that term of endearment poured over me. I wanted to be sweetheart to Charlie, but I was afraid I wouldn’t hear it again.
“No, you don’t understand.” I summoned my courage. My heart was breaking. “I thought I was straight. Until I got here tonight, I thought of myself as straight.”
His hand stopped, and then it was gone. My back felt cold with the loss.
“What. You… how were we — how did you?”
Charlie moved away from me, first scooting down the bed and then standing up. He stared. I didn’t look up, but I could feel his eyes on me as he processed.
“You didn’t think we were… together. At all. Did you?”
I looked up pleading. “I thought of it as platonic, Char, but—”
“Do not call me that.” His eyes flashed angrily, and his tone was cold, sending chills down my back.
“I thought of you as my best friend, and you still are, but now I know—”
“Now you know how fucking pathetic I am,” he spat.
I stood and reached for him, shaking my head. “No, Charlie, I don’t think that at all.”
“Stay away from me.” He gasped. “Fuck, I thought you liked me… but you never said — we never actually confirmed it, did we?” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I was just delusional.”
Fresh tears fell from my eyes. “Please, Charlie. I do like you, I know that now. I’m bi, I think. Definitely queer, though, because oh my god I want to be with you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. I want to be your boyfriend. You’re my best friend and my favourite person, and I want to be yours. In all the ways. Please.”
Charlie was holding himself so tightly. He looked so small. I hated it. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, to give him a big bear hug and make him laugh and loosen up. I wanted him to stand tall and confident as he had earlier in the evening, knowing that he was loved and desired. I wanted him to look at me like he had looked at me so many times before we came back here: with desire and mirth and joy.
Instead he frowned, his mouth drawn in tightly, and didn’t make eye contact as he asked me to leave.
“I think you should go.”
“Charlie?” I pleaded again, though I didn’t really know what I was pleading for.
“Downstairs, at least. I need to think about this. Alone.”
My face crumpled, but I nodded and somehow found the ability to walk away from him. I hadn’t even made it to the top step when it heard the door click.
* * *
“This is Nick, my boyfriend!”
I wondered if those words would haunt me forever. I wondered if I’d ever have the joy of hearing them now that I knew how much I wanted them to be true.
I don’t know how long I sat in the dark. Eventually I texted the girls.
Nick
Talked to Charlie
It did not go well lol
I don’t know how I could have done it better. I shouldn’t have come, I guess
I figured they were probably asleep, but my phone started buzzing pretty much immediately.
“Tara?”
Her voice came through all tinny, but I could hear the sympathy and sorrow in her voice. “Nick I’m so sorry. Where are you?”
“On the couch downstairs. Charlie needed to be alone.” I sniffled.
“Do you want to come here?”
“Yes, come stay with us!” Darcy said. Tara must have had the phone on speaker. “We can drown your sorrows in ice cream. I’ll even agree to watch Mamma Mia!”
I laughed wetly. “I don’t know. I’m still hoping he’ll come around.” I needed to tell them. I had no idea how to tell them.
“What outcome are you hoping for here?” Tara asked gently. “Because if it’s to be friends again… Charlie might need a few weeks.”
“Um, actually…” I swallowed. “What if I told you I realised through all this that I actually do want to be Charlie’s boyfriend?”
It was silent on the other end for a moment.
“Wait, really?!” It was Darcy’s voice, but it was different than usual. I could hear her excitement underneath, but she was clearly toning it down. “You like him?”
“Are you sure, Nick?”
“I am so fucking sure, Tara.”
“Okay…”
“When did you realise?”
“I mean… I think it started dawning on me before we left the flat, honestly. I just looked at him, really looked at him for the first time. I don’t know how I’d never noticed how pretty he is.”
“And then, well. You know how we were late to join you lot in the karaoke room? We kind of… kissed.”
Darcy honest to god squeaked. “Really?!”
Tara was a little unsure still. “When you say ‘kind of’ kissed, do you mean—”
“We really kissed.”
“Oh my god.”
“Full-on made out.”
“And?”
“And… I didn’t want to stop! It was hands down the best kiss of my life and I never want to kiss anyone else.”
“So what does this mean?”
“I’m pretty sure I’ve worked out that I’m bisexual.”
“Oh my god?!” Tara’s voice was thick with emotion. “Nick, that’s amazing. I’m so proud of you!”
Despite everything with Charlie, I grinned. “Yeah. Thanks, Tara.”
“Oh I can’t wait for Pride, we are going all OUT."
“I am adopting you!” Darcy blurted out. “It’s official.”
I laughed. “Okay, Darcy.”
Tara snickered at her girlfriend. “I think Sarah Nelson might have something to say about that, love.”
“I love her dearly, obviously, but I will fight her for this. Nicholas is now my child. My baby bi son.”
“Hang on, Nick, did you tell Charlie this?”
“Oh. Yeah.” The elation of telling my best friends was siphoned out of me, and I was left cold and hurt again. “Yeah, I did.”
“I told him all of it all at once. That I didn’t know until tonight. That I know now, I’m so sure now that I’m queer. I told him how much I want to be with him.”
“He kicked you out after that?!” Darcy sounded angry now.
“I don’t blame him. I honestly don't. He realised by my admission that I hadn’t known we were together. He felt pathetic, he said. I tried to reassure him, but he didn’t want to see me.”
“Oh, Nick. You should come stay with us.”
“I don’t wanna leave,” I whined. “What if Charlie changes his mind?”
“Nick,” Tara breathed. “I don’t want you to be alone tonight.
“Why, because of my silly little identity crisis? It’s not that big a deal, I’m fine.”
“It is a big deal!”
“Tara—”
I heard a creak on the stairs and shushed them. “Someone’s coming downstairs, I have to go!”
I hung up, stuffing my phone in my pocket and trying to find a position on the couch that didn’t look completely awkward. The next several seconds felt like ages as I waited to see who was coming. Would it be Charlie’s sister? Or Michael? What would I tell them if they wanted to know why I was sitting here in the dark, why I wasn’t with Charlie?
A light flicked on in the kitchen, and then Charlie was standing there, peeking into the sitting room.
“Hey,” he said in a low voice.
I don’t think I said anything; I just held my breath.
“Do you want some tea? And then we could talk a bit more?”
“Okay.”
Charlie stood there for another several seconds. The light was behind him, so I couldn’t see his expression. I had no clues to how he was feeling.
He turned and walked away to brew the tea.
My mind spun as I waited. Was he going to insist I leave? Was I uninvited from the whole weekend? Could I convince him that I wanted to be his boyfriend? Would he even listen?
When it was ready, Charlie came in and handed me a mug. He turned on a lamp that washed the room in a dim, warm light, and joined me on the sofa.
“Um.” Charlie held his mug close to his face in both hands. Maybe I was imagining things, but to me it seemed like a shield. “So. You, like… came out to me. And I didn’t react the way you deserve, I was too focused on how I was feeling about everything else…”
He was rambling, and I could hear the panic in his voice. I cut him off. “ — and that’s fine, Charlie, I understand. My thing was not that big a deal compared to—”
“No.” His tone was sad but forceful. He placed a hand on my shoulder, not squeezing but placing firm pressure. It felt like… I got the sense that it was communicating some urgency, that he needed me to pay attention, to hear him. “No, Nick. That’s something to celebrate. And at the same time I know it can be really overwhelming. I… I don’t want to be the sort of friend who doesn’t make space for that. Even if I’m feeling a lot of things, you deserve someone who’ll listen. I’d like to be that person. If you want.”
Something inside me broke to hear him say friend. I didn’t want to push him though, so I let it go even though it made me want to cry.
“Okay.” My voice was hoarse. “Um. Yeah, I guess it’s a lot. Figuring it out all in one night. But honestly, it’s like…” I leaned back into the sofa cushions as I sought for the right words. “It’s like a puzzle piece that fits perfectly into place. I didn’t know that was a piece of myself I hadn’t discovered, but now that it’s there? It makes the rest of the picture make more sense.”
Charlie’s expression was genuine and kind as he listened, though there was a bit of surprise there. “One kiss did all that?”
“Well, it was a really fucking good kiss, but…” I could feel the heat of a blush in my cheeks (and down my neck) as a proud little smirk snuck into Charlie’s smile. “But no, it started earlier. Like, I was sort of freaking out while your friends were all introducing themselves, but as soon as my focus turned to you again I started noticing that I felt different looking at you. And being seen by you, too. I remembered thinking you were so pretty when we met, but it wasn’t until tonight that I realised it did something to me.”
“You thought I was pretty?” Charlie asked in a surprised tone.
“Um. Yes? I’ve thought that this entire time. You are pretty. You are an objectively gorgeous person, Char… Charlie.”
“So that’s why you flirted so hard?”
I looked at him in alarm. “Did I flirt?!”
“I mean… I thought you were flirting. That’s why I let myself believe what I did. We’ve been flirting over text for so long now.”
“Oh my god. I was, wasn’t I?” I lurched forward. “I’ve spent six months flirting with my whole self and had no fucking idea that’s what I was doing. God, I’m so sorry, I’ve been such an idiot.”
“No, no you haven’t, Nick.”
I stood up and walked across the room. “I have, though. I should have realised. If I had taken two minutes to ask myself why I was being so flirtatious, all of this could have been avoided!”
“Nick.”
“Of course you felt like there was something there! Fucking hell…” I’m not sure when I started pacing the room, but I turned away from Charlie then. “And now I’ve gone and ruined it.”
“Nick.”
“God… Charlie, I- I understand if you can’t look past this, but I really hope we can still be friends.
“Nick!”
I turned to face him, though I couldn’t look him in the eye. I was trying so hard to hold back my tears, but I’m sure he could hear them in my voice. “I don’t want to lose you because I’ve been so stupid.”
Charlie took a step and was right there, right in front of me. I hadn’t realised he was anywhere near me until that moment, when he pulled me towards him.
I whimpered the second Charlie’s lips captured mine. He kissed me, hard and demanding, and his arms wrapped around my neck as my hands landed on his sides.
He looked exasperated when he pulled away, but he fixed his eyes on mine and spoke firmly. “You are not stupid for not recognising a crush on a boy after thinking you were straight your whole life. And…” the crease between his brows smoothed out and his lips quirked upwards. “You’re not going to lose me. Actually, I feel a lot better, now that we’ve agreed that you were flirting. I guess I wasn’t totally reading into things.”
I tightened my grip on his waist. “You really weren’t. You’re so important to me, Char. That’s nothing new, I’d have said so before all this, too.”
Charlie’s smile bloomed bright and confident again. He rose onto his tiptoes and placed another kiss on my lips before being interrupted by a wide yawn.
“Can we talk about this more in the morning?” he asked as I giggled. I didn’t even get to answer before my hand was in his and he was pulling me to the stairs.
* * *
When I awoke the next morning, we’d separated a bit in our sleep. I was on my back and Charlie lay on his stomach, his face on the pillow turned towards me. I lifted my head a bit to get a better look at him. The way the morning light was streaming in, highlighting or casting shadows on his face and in his curls… he just looked so beautiful.
I sighed when my phone buzzed a few times in rapid succession. I was loathe to look away from Charlie even briefly, but I figured that was probably Darcy, and she would keep texting until I responded.
I rolled away to face the bedside table, grabbing my phone and scrolling through my texts.
Darcy
good morning Son
💙💜💖
feeling any better about your self-discovery after charlie talked with you?
Nick
How do you know we talked about that
Darcy
… I may have given him an ultimatum
Nick
WHAT
Wtf Darce what kind of ultimatum?!
Darcy
nothing dramatic, keep your nickers on nickerless
just insisted that you not be alone when you were going through that
I told him he could actually talk to you or we could come back for you
we weren’t going to leave you alone though
Nick
🥺🥺🥺
Thank you
Love you Darcy
I do feel better, yeah
I felt the mattress shift beneath me as Charlie stirred and flopped over
Nick
Gotta go, Charlie’s awake
Talk more at brunch
I rolled onto my back again and looked over to see Charlie, his face scrunched up in contempt of the sun. He groaned out, “Nick?” in a pathetic voice, and I couldn’t hold back my smile.
“Hey,” I said quietly so as not to offend. “Happy birthday.”
“Who’re you texting?”
“Oh.” I waved a hand dismissively. “Darcy was just checking in to see how I was feeling. She said last night she’s adopting me as a baby queer, so I guess she’s feeling nurturing this morning.”
Charlie rubbed his eyes as he chuckled. “Classic Darcy.” He shuffled over to me and laid his head on my chest, and my heart leapt into my throat. That was good, right?! I figured it had to be a good sign.
I did feel awkward for a moment as I tried to figure out where to put my arm. Eventually I let it rest around his shoulders and in a moment of real bravery, I leaned down and placed a light kiss on the crown of his head.
He practically melted into me, and I was cheering internally.
“So…” he started to say, “How are you feeling? About your newfound queerness?”
“I feel great about it.”
“Yeah. Good. I was going to see if you felt like you needed a break from brunch. But… good.”
“Nah. Although…” My curiosity got the better of me. “How would you have explained that to your friends? Would you have told them—”
“God, no.” Charlie was mumbling against my chest, but that emphatic statement was perfectly clear. “I do not want to have that conversation with them. Which, I guess I should ask: are you okay if we, like… don’t tell them?”
I paused, not sure how much he was asking. There was only one way to know, really. And after last night, what was one more awkward and potentially painful conversation?
“Um. Well. Are we pretending about… all of it? I mean, if we don’t tell them anything, then they’ll continue to think I’m your boyfriend. And I don’t want to pressure you, Char, I swear, but I’m not sure I can pretend to be your boyfriend if I know you definitely have changed your mind after last night. Because I still want that. I want to be with you, I am so—”
I stopped talking when I saw Charlie’s hand come up towards my face. He didn’t lift his head, just moved by feel, and so his hand covered my eye first, then my chin, and then finally my mouth.
“Nicholas Nelson. It is too early for impassioned speeches.” It could have been my imagination, but I thought I could hear a smile in his voice.
* * *
“Tara!” I called as I rounded the corner, spotting my friend outside the restaurant. She turned around, looking amongst the crowds of people until she spotted me. Her face lit up and she pulled Darcy my way.
We hadn’t heard from Charlie’s friends and didn’t know if they were inside yet, so I was taking precautions just in case. My friends’ reaction would obviously pique their curiosity.
When the girls reached me, I led them just around the corner and out of sight from the café.
I opened my arm and Charlie stepped up close, tucking his shoulder next to me.
“Darcy, Tara,” I said ceremoniously, knowing my face was sappier than it had ever been in my life, “This is Charlie, my boyfriend!”
Priya Singh
“Hello, Miss.” My varsity rugby captain was the first one on the pitch for practice Monday.
“Nick! How was your weekend? You went down to London, right? You said something about celebrating a friend’s birthday?”
He turned a little pink.
“Oh, yeah. It was good. Actually, we’ve apparently been, like… dating for several months?”
“You and your friend?”
Nick nodded. “He, um, he introduced me to all his best friends as his boyfriend.”
I raised one eyebrow. “And that was news to you?”
“Yep.” He chuckled. “It was surprising but not that surprising, honestly? I guess I’m bi now. We all went bowling. It was really good.”
“Well! Congratulations?” I really didn’t know what else to say.
“Thanks, miss!” Nick ran back the way he came as some of his teammates arrived, leaving me shaking my head in bemusement. At least it would make a good story with my fellow faculty members.