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Days. That’s how long it had been since Kaufmao’s abstraction. And already, the Circus had fallen back into some sense of normalcy. Pomni, admittingly unwillingly, took Kaufmao’s place in the theme song, Caine had already swept the memory under the rug, and everyone else had already started living life like the prior clown almost never existed.
And of course, Ragatha was a part of that normalcy. After all, what else could she do? It’s not like she had the power to bring the clown back. Despite the fact they weren’t really close, the doll can’t help but feel a weight of emotions hanging in her chest. She doesn’t know what to think of them, hell, deeper down she knows she’ll just ignore them until they eventually blend in with the rest of feelings writhing in her chest.
Being the boulder that people flock to to stay sane will do that to you, she guesses.
Ever since Pomni’s apology for abandoning the doll not once, but twice, Ragatha’s noticed that the two seemed to put distance between one another. Ragatha knew why she was giving the jester distance; in people’s first few days in the Circus, they usually didn’t like being overwhelmed with a second, smothering gaze. Especially if they were already aware of Caine’s all seeing eyes.
However, the longer this went on, the less Ragatha seemed to believe it.
She wasn’t scared of Pomni. Hard to be, when the poor girl was practically afraid of her own shadow. And it wasn’t like she hated Pomni for what she did. Ragatha’s sure she would’ve done the same thing if she encountered the amount of pure, unbridled chaos the jester had on her first day. It wasn’t like she was avoiding her on purpose now, right?
The idea that she was purposefully avoiding Pomni ate the doll from the inside out.
Maybe she shouldn’t think about it.
Dinner went off with only half a hitch; poor Kinger got pelted in the back of the head with Bubble’s upside down pineapple cake when Caine glitched mid-air, lobbing the digital cake before he could come back to. Other than that, everything went about the same it usually did, Jax made fun of Gangle, Zooble started quarreling with him, Kinger forgot who he was sitting next to, and Ragatha tried to make some small talk with Gangle when she wasn’t being tormented, or chastising Jax whenever he would. And Pomni, well, Pomni ate in silence.
Sometimes, when Ragatha would look over, she’d find Pomni’s pinwheel eyes staring at her. The two would make eye contact for only a few seconds, then Pomni would look down at her plate, pushing around pixels of food. Neither would say a word to one another.
Ragatha winds up being one of the last few people to finish dinner. Kinger still sits at his end of the table, trying to feed one of his bugs that he probably had stored under his coat. He spoke softly to the insect, almost like the way a father would to his child. The doll bites the inside of her cheek when she wonders if he had a child in his past life.
She slowly stands from her chair, pushing it in before she gently gathers up the plates around the table. A force of habit, if she had to guess. She’s done it for as long as she can remember. Piling them away from Kinger, she bids him and his insect a quiet farewell before leaving the dining room, eventually breaching the seam that leads to the main area of the Circus.
Being this late at night, most of the rest of the cast were back in their rooms to destress after another adventure. The only people out right now seemed to be Gangle and Zooble, the duo wrapped up in some kind of conversation. Ragatha can see the way Gangle motions with her hands, a twinge of a smile on her face despite the large tears that hang below her mask.
Staring for only a moment, Ragatha continues on her way. She walks further into the main area of the Circus, eventually making it to the hallway. Her footsteps sunk into the plush carpet below her, passing grinning portraits and the occasional lopsided picture on the wall.
Ragatha winds up at her door soon enough, resting her hand on the cool brass knob before hesitating. She can’t help but look back. Just a few doors down sat Pomni’s door. The doll stares, almost as if she was waiting for the jester to open it and walk out.
“Waiting for another person to be dependent on you or what?” The sudden sound of Jax’s voice nearly makes Ragatha jump out of her skin. She tears her eyes away from Pomni’s door, whirling around until she nearly ran straight into the purple rabbit, which nearly made her jump out of her skin once again. A strangled squeak barely escapes her lips.
“When did you get here?” Ragatha hates the fact her voice is higher than it usually is. Struggling to steady the rapid thrumming in her ears, the doll watches as Jax chuckles. He leans his body against the wall by her door, one arm propping his head up away from the wall.
“I’ve been here for a hot minute, doll.” His smile twitches around the corners, his eyes squinting. “You were just so busy staring at the Newbie’s door that you didn’t hear me.” With his free hand, Jax uses two fingers to signal walking.
Taking her hand off of her doorknob, Ragatha only rolls her eyes with a slight laugh. “I wasn’t staring at her door, Jax.”
“Right.” With a click of his pupils, Jax looks towards Pomni’s door as well for a moment before his gaze refocuses on the doll in front of him. “And I’m not a secondary color.” He snickers after saying that, already fixing his position so his back rested comfortably against the wall. Snapping his fingers, he lazily points towards the jester’s door. “So give me the scoop.”
After today’s adventure, Ragatha really didn’t want to be stuck in a conversation with Jax, out of everyone. She shakes her head, placing her hand back on her doorknob. “I’m just worried about her, that’s all.”
That response seems to nearly take the rabbit by surprise, his eyes widening by just a hair. “You’re worried about her? And here I thought you’d never want to talk to her again.” A hint of amusement can be heard in his tone, making Ragatha’s brow knit together in a bit of confusion.
“Why would I want that?” Placing her hand on her hip, the doll eyes Jax up and down for a minute. He only stares in response, his eyes lingering for a long time before an almost bewildered laugh bubbles up from deep inside his chest.
“And you people think I’m unforgivable.” He hisses out between laughs, wiping away a fake tear. Once he seems to settle, he crosses his arms over his chest, his back still firmly pressed against the wall. “You really still want to talk to her, even after she left you for dead?”
“Anyone would’ve done what she did if they were in her place.” Ragatha justifies, opening her door before stepping in the doorway. Silently, she hopes Jax would get the hint and leave her alone, but even she knows that’s too much to hope for. Even if he got the hint, the rabbit wouldn’t leave until she would have to force him out. “None of our first days were even close to as terrible as her’s.”
In response, Jax only chuckles again. “You know, you can just be mad at her. Like a normal person.” Pushing himself off of the wall, he moves until he stands straight in front of Ragatha’s door, his hand loosely placed against his hip. His signature pose, as Caine called it.
“Well, I don’t blame her for doing what she did, so I don’t feel like I need to be mad.” The doll clenches her jaw after she speaks, her smile barely even faltering. Sure, what Pomni did hurt, but Ragatha would’ve done the same thing. She couldn’t be upset.
It was dangerous to stay upset in the Circus.
Jax doesn’t add more to the conversation. He only eyes the doll up and down. Ragatha takes this as her chance to leave, slowly closing the door between them. “Goodnight Jax.” She says sweetly with a small wave.
“Do you ever think about how you love like some kind of wounded dog?”
The door’s just barely open between them. Ragatha remains frozen in place for a moment, then pulls the door back open. “What?” She can’t help but stare at the purple rabbit in front of her, seeing the way he slightly furrowed his brow.
His smile, which he seemed to drop moments prior, comes back in a flash. “What, has no one ever told you that before?” He chuckles a little, his ears twitching. “No one’s told you that you’re like that?”
“I… what?” Whatever Jax was trying to tell her was not registering in her brain. Whether that was because of its suddenness, or because she genuinely couldn’t wrap her head around it, she didn’t know. “Where did this come from?”
Jax’s response is quick. “Don’t change the subject.”
Now, Ragatha can’t help but chuckle at the absurdity. She leans against the doorframe. “That’s not changing the subject.” At that, Jax only rolls his eyes.
“Velvet, we’ve both been here long enough that I’m not a complete idiot. I know you.” Now he folds his arms against his chest, his eyes darting down the hallway towards Pomni’s door before they return to the doll’s. “You normally have no backbone. Let people step all over you without so much as a complaint. You and Newbie have barely been able to keep eye contact with each other all week.”
Shaking her head, she swallows down a laugh from his over exaggerating. “Please, that’s not what happens.” Ragatha tries to chuckle, but it dries up when she finds Jax still staring. This conversation feels too out of the ordinary for them to be having, and it’s making Ragatha’s skin prickle for a reason she can’t place. “It’s easier to forgive than hold a grudge here, that’s all.”
“Sure, whatever helps you feel better about your own abstraction.” He mumbles, almost sounding irritated.
Scanning him for a moment, Ragatha makes an attempt to press herself further into the doorframe, choosing to ignore his last comment. “That still doesn’t help me get how you think I love like a wounded dog.” Her gaze tries to pull in the direction of Pomni’s door, but she stops herself. “I’d like to think that’s more me being forgiving than anything. I don’t think I act like that.”
With her new sentence, Jax’s eyebrows raise. “Sure you do.” He tells her, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
Folding her arms, she watches the way Jax pretends to check his nails, even though the rabbit only wore gloves. “How?”
“Without fail, you manage to attach yourself to everyone in the Circus.” Jax pretends to shine his nails before he shrugs. “And every single time, you wind up becoming shattered. Easy as that.” Folding his arms across his chest once more, he chuckles before he adds. “Honestly, you’re giving Ribbons’ stupid comedy mask a run for its money.”
The way he’s talking to her makes it sound like it’s as obvious as a sign on her back. A sense of uncomfortableness lodges in the doll’s throat. She struggles to swallow it down before she speaks again. “I’m still lost at what your point is, Jax.”
“I’m saying, anyone here could physically tear you apart, and you’d apologize for your own seams being too weak.” Jax can see it, the subtle gleam in her eye after he said that. He had her read like a book.
Ragatha can’t even find the words to defend herself. She wants to try and deflect, to make a point to prove him wrong, but she can’t. In fact, she’s a little afraid to try, worried that Jax would be able to shoot down her refutes in a second flat.
Using her stunned silence to his advantage, Jax continues. “I mean, I'm a perfect example here.” Pointing towards his chest, he motions back to the doll. “How often do I #%$# with you, and you still stick around and talk to me? You could at least be like Zooby and only talk to me when forced to, but you don’t.”
When he takes a step forward, Ragatha can’t help but take half a step back. “Jax, that’s different-” She starts. He frustrates her, and everyone, to no end. But if anyone wanted to stay sane here, they learned to get over it quickly. And after knowing him for so long, it just got easier to forgive him for his stupid antics.
Jax takes another step forward, jabbing a finger into Ragatha’s chest and promptly cutting her off. “You love like a dog, so you let yourself be treated like one.” Motioning back towards the hallway, he continues. “This place, these freaks that filter in and out, they’ll kick you in the ribs and you’ll still wag your little tail and trail on their heels at a moment’s notice.”
That struck a nerve. Ragatha could feel the way it painfully tightened in her chest, rendering her mute once more. “Am I wrong?” His voice seems to swell with a sense of pride that only furthered the ache in Ragatha’s chest.
She wants to argue. Rant until she’s blue in the face that Jax has her all wrong, but she doesn’t. Ragatha always seemed to go back after everything. Her arms were always open, always offering a shoulder to cry on, even if she knew she’d never have that in return.
And what’s worse, is that Jax knows that.
And he’s done it.
It feels like an eternity before the doll seems to find her words again. “What point are you even trying to prove?” Conscious effort is needed to keep her voice from sounding weak, even more effort is needed to will herself not to cry when a sudden, burning urge claws its way up her throat.
And with that, the serious aura that Jax was radiating with moments prior slips off like water on a pair of waterproof boots. “I have no point.” He takes a step back away from the doll, his smile beaming.
“What?” The doll only weakly croaks in response. Not the response she was expecting at all, it was so surprising that it almost broke the claws that were currently reaping the cavity of her chest.
“I have no point.” Jax states again, his hand on his hip once more. “With how you’ve been avoiding Chuckles, I was just worried you managed to spontaneously grow a spine overnight.”
He can see the way the doll almost seems to shrink away when he said that, shrinking further away when he continued. “I figured something must be wrong with you. It’s so out of the ordinary for you, I figured I’d double check Caine hadn’t replaced you with an NPC after that whole near-abstraction thing you went through.” He says near-abstraction with a helpful pair of air quotes, as if he didn’t see her as a pile of near unrecognizable polygons on the floor right before she was fixed.
“Oh…” The rabbit begins to walk away before Ragatha could say anymore, not that she really planned to. She watches as Jax slowly saunters over to his door, almost frozen in place before she remembers to close her door.
“Don’t worry, rag doll!” He calls over his shoulder before she can close her door entirely. “I know you’ll be back to normal in no time! You’ll wind up talking to her before the week’s up. If not, you’ll wind up blaming yourself when she eventually abstracts, like you always do.”
With that, Ragatha finally closes the door, maybe with a bit more force than intended. A numb feeling tightly wraps its hands around her chest, squeezing until she’s sure her ribs would crack open. It’s a struggle to swallow. The doll takes a shaky breath, her hand tightening around the doorknob.
Jax was a lot of things. An asshole, that’s for sure, and more irritable than a pack of dogs howling at the moon. He could properly be labeled as the reason why most of Caine’s adventures get twice as dangerous as they already were, usually sacrificing other Circus members just for the fun of it.
But sometimes.
Just sometimes.
He was right.
Ragatha doesn’t even realize she’s reopened her bedroom door until she steps out of her room. She pretends to dust off her dress, struggling to keep her face looking calm despite feeling like she was ripped open with a meat cleaver moments prior. She looks around, only to stop when she spies Jax standing in front of his door.
It doesn’t even look like he tried to go inside of his room, almost as if he sat there, waiting for her to come out.
Almost like he knew it would only be a matter of time.
The two stare for only a moment, then Ragatha forces herself to look away. She turns on her heels, pushing her pace into a speed walk as she makes her way to Pomni’s door. The doll doesn’t look back at him, not when she’s walking, not while she’s standing in front of the jester’s door, and certainly not while she knocks against it. “Pomni?” She gently knocks again when she doesn’t get a response. “Can we talk?”
Jax only watches the doll from afar, shaking his head. He could see it in her face when their eyes met, the hollow look on her face from being called out. And yet, here she was, wagging tail and all, waiting patiently to become the comforting response that everyone else made her into.
He disappears into his room the moment Pomni opens her door. Maybe she wouldn’t wind up becoming like the rest of them. Maybe she’d end up being the one to toss the dog a bone to help heal its wounds.
But after seeing the way she’s been the past few days, he seriously doubts it.