Chapter Text
“You were awfully quiet earlier, Cap,” Tony said, sauntering over to where Steve stood looking out the window at the New York skyline. “Too modest to share tales of your sexual exploits with the team? Didn’t soldiers talk like that in the barracks back in your day?”
Steve didn’t bristle like he might have a year ago. He just gave Tony a little smile and shrugged. “Sure they did, but I didn’t join in then either.” Tony took a sip of scotch and raised one eyebrow. “I mean, that would require some sexual exploits to talk about, wouldn’t it?” Tony’s other eyebrow shot up in surprise. Steve sighed and turned back to the window, listening as Tony walked away.
A rattling at the bar and Tony returned with a second scotch for Steve. He accepted the drink without protest. He’d finally realized that Tony didn’t care if he drank it—it was just an expression of hospitality, an overture for conversation, a shared prop Tony found helpful. Tony dragged two weird leather armchairs over to the huge window.
“Sit with me. Drink with me. Talk with me,” Tony said, gesturing. (Steve wondered if he was quoting something; it was often hard for him to tell with Tony.) He took a seat.
“So,” Tony said after a few moments contemplating the evening in silence. “No exploits to speak of?”
Steve shrugged. He hadn’t talked to any of the Avengers about this stuff yet. Tony was the only one he could imagine saying it to. Tony wouldn’t judge—he wasn’t that kind of man. Besides, he was Steve’s best friend. He’d be nice about it. (And perhaps someday Steve could tell him what he *really* wanted to say…)
“Nope,” Steve said, swirling his drink and watching it leave long, thick legs on the glass. “None to speak of. Literally. ‘Cause even if I had gotten . . . some experience . . . back with the Howling Commandos, speaking of it would have got me dishonorably discharged.”
Tony was known for talking a mile a minute and never shutting up, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t a good listener from time to time. When it really counted. Tony sat quietly and took another sip of his drink.
“Things were different then,” Steve said softly. “I thought I was sick for wanting men. For the things I wanted. I would never have said anything.”
“And now?” Tony asked just as quietly.
“Now, I know better,” Steve said it firmly, with conviction. “I’m not sick and what I want doesn’t make me weak.”
The lights in the penthouse were dimmed low so he could admire the view of the city skyline. Steve could see the arc reactor shining through Tony’s black t-shirt. The blue glow was steady and comforting.
“And what is it you want?” Tony asked, leaning forward in his seat. Then he leaned back again and added, “not that you need to tell me. If you don’t want to talk about it, I’ll understand.”
Steve smiled. “Tony, you’re the best friend I’ve made in this crazy new millennium. If I couldn’t tell you, who could I tell?” He looked a little wistful as he added, “Though I doubt I’ll get what I want.”
“You never know,” Tony said very seriously. The air was thick between them.
“I bet I might shock you,” Steve said, trying to make his voice playful, lighten the tension.
“Go ahead and try!”
“I—“ It was harder to start talking than he thought it would be. Best back up to the beginning.
“I have to be so careful, so in control as Captain America. If I don’t pay attention to my strength, I could hurt someone. As a commander, I have to keep on top of things, give orders, take responsibility. I wouldn’t want my life to be any other way, but sometimes,” Steve hesitated, “I’d like to let go. Let someone else be in charge, make the decisions, give the orders.”
Steve paused. Tony was completely silent and Steve couldn’t quiet bear to look over at him. If he did, Steve might well lose his nerve.
“I’d want him to take control. I’d want him to tie me down, pin me in place so I could barely move.”
Steve heard Tony’s breath hitch a little and he turned to look at his friend. (I can do this, he thought.)
“I’d let him tell me what to do and I’d like it because it was what he wanted; I wouldn’t have to think about it, just obey. And I’d know that he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, not the bad kind of hurt, because I’d be his and that means he would take care of me.”
Tony stared at him, eyes wide and very bright in the light of the arc reactor. He was taking long, steady breaths as Steve spoke.
Steve leaned forward and tilted his head down, then looked up at Tony from under his lashes. “I’d kneel at his feet and I’d beg him for it. I’d want him to fill me up and make me take it.”
Steve was inching to the edge of his chair, nearer and nearer to Tony.
“I want to surrender.”
Tony’s mouth had dropped open a little as Steve drew nearer. Tony swallowed loudly, then said, “wow,” and looked away.
And just like that, the spell was broken. The thing building between them fell, the cord of communion snapped.
“That sure is intense, Cap,” Tony said. His voice was too loud in the dark room after the soft intimate words. “And you haven’t shocked me, so you lose that bet. I am surprised, though.” He took a quick sip of his drink, suddenly awkward and fidgety. “But I wouldn’t be such a pessimist about it. Lots of people are into that stuff now—you could find someone like that easy. You’re an amazing guy, in pretty much every way. And that totally independent from the Captain America and the perfect body stuff. There are tons of guys who’d kill to have you!”
“Something like that takes a lot of trust.” Steve said, voice still quiet. (Oh god, was he really going to do this? Now?)
“Well sure,” Tony said. He was looking around the room and Steve could see it immediately—he was looking for an exit.
“Tony,” Steve said, pitching his voice low, demanding that Tony turn and look at him. He did. He looked a little lost. “Tony, there’s only one person I trust that much.”
Tony just kept staring at him.
Steve slid to his knees. He looked up at Tony, trying to put everything he couldn’t seem to say into the way he looked at his friend.
Tony shook his head, mouth open, and for a second Steve felt a burning stab of disappointment before Tony blurted, “I can’t even be trusted with plants!”
Steve chuckled. “I’m not a plant, Tony.”
“I know that! But . . . but,” Tony was struggling, mouth opening and closing like a fish, and if Steve hadn’t been so dreadfully nervous it would have been really, really funny. “Nobody should trust me. You shouldn’t trust me.”
“Too late,” Steve said gently. “I already trust you.”
(God, he’d done this all backwards, hadn’t he? Maybe telling Tony he was gay, and wanted to be dominated, and, oh by the way, could it please be you, all at once was a bit much. He should get up. He should apologize. This wasn’t what Tony wanted. )
“Why me?” Tony asked helplessly.
Steve let out a sad little laugh and looked away. “I thought you knew. I thought I’d been so obvious.” He forced himself to look up at Tony. “I love you.”
(Shit, shit, shit! He hadn’t meant to say that. Not yet! Not like that!)
Tony Stark was speechless. And staring at him again. (Oh God, he’d made a horrible mistake.)
Steve looked away. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have sprung this on you. I’m sorry, I’ll just—” He started gathering himself up to get to his feet, so he could retreat and—
A hand pressed heavily on Steve’s shoulder, keeping him on his knees.
“Stay.”
Steve let out a long slow breath, some of the tension draining out of his body. Tony ran his fingers through Steve’s short hair and pressed Steve’s head against his knee. He relaxed into the touch.
“I’ve never done this,” Tony confessed, his voice hesitant. “If—if I can’t do *this,* can’t give you what you want, can’t be what you want—“ His hand stilled on Steve’s neck and his voice dropped, “—would you still want me?”
“Yes,” Steve said confidently. “Always.”
Tony let out his own sigh of relief and started petting Steve’s hair again. (And doesn’t that just make him want to *purr*?) Tony’s knee was warm and solid under his cheek, his fingers gentle and soothing on Steve’s neck. They sat like that for several long minutes and Steve savored them.
“I’m afraid I’d let you down,” Tony admitted. The words seemed to fall heavily from Tony’s mouth. Steve started to reassure him, but Tony shushed him and tightened his hand on Steve’s neck for a second. “I worry I won’t deserve your trust. But I want to.”
Steve smiled and rubbed his cheek against Tony’s thigh. He let himself drift in his own thoughts while Tony pet him. Steve understood that reassurances would be meaningless to Tony right now, but he knew Tony better than he knew himself. He was sure of it. Tony may be bad at taking care of himself, but when it came to others he was a natural. He was brilliant. He was brilliant at everything he turned his attention to and Steve desperately hoped that, for a while at least, that could be him.
“Steve, look at me.”
Steve obeyed immediately and it felt wonderful. Tony looked down at him with something like awe, then caressed Steve’s face with light fingertips for a few moments before tipping Steve’s chin up. He leaned forward slowly to press his lips to Steve’s in a chaste kiss.
(Steve’s blood was pounding and he wanted to open his mouth, press up into Tony’s kiss, hot and demanding, but he didn’t. He wanted Tony to do it. He could wait.)
Tony pressed his forehead to Steve’s and whispered, “Okay. We’ll try this.” He ran his hands over Steve’s neck and shoulders, then added, “But not tonight. We’ll talk tomorrow. I need to think.” He kissed Steve again, then said, “Go to bed, Steve.”
Tony watched him with a pensive smile as Steve nodded and got to his feet, suddenly aware of how tired he was. He smiled at Tony and, feeling bold, kissed him on the cheek before turning towards his room. He could feel Tony’s gaze lingering on him as he walked; it felt like a caress.