Chapter Text
DAVE: ok sir can i have your id
You can tell this guy’s gonna be difficult already. Ah fuck, just look, you can see the righteous anger in his eyes as he pauses, gearing up to dish out some mighty fine dumbassery right in your face.
SOME GUY: No.
DAVE: no
DAVE: just no
DAVE: sir ive gotta scan your id for tobacco purchases thats sort of like my job here
SOME GUY: No. You’re not goin’ to scan my ID.
The old man inhales before diving headfirst into crazytown.
SOME GUY: I’m here as a willin’ customer, I’ve got the money required, I’m clearly not younger than 21
SOME GUY: You take my money and give me the cigarettes in return. That’s your job. You do *not* need to know who I am.
It takes all of your energy to not say:
DAVE: listen dude
DAVE: i could give less of a shit about who you are
DAVE: what do you think im going to do fucking wire your info directly up joe bidens zionist ass
DAVE: your id was issued by the damn government anyway so its not like itd even matter
DAVE: or what
DAVE: is a 19 year old service worker at a damn gas station gonna track you down based on your shitty id that i hardly even look at man ill be real with you i just scan that shit and move on
Instead you say:
DAVE: sure yeah
DAVE: fine
DAVE: could you at least give me your birthday
The guy hesitates for a moment before responding.
SOME GUY: November 16th, 1960.
DAVE: ok cool
You enter his birthday into the register, he pays, and out the door the old man goes. What a fucking dickwad.
You turn your head to your coworker at the other register, leaning your back against the counter.
DAVE: holy shit did you see that guy
JADE: um i think so!!
JADE: i only caught the tail end of that conversation, i was busy ringing someone up
DAVE: man probably belongs in the damn loony bin
JADE: :O
JADE: dave!!! you cant say something like that
DAVE: im like half insane myself im allowed to reclaim it
DAVE: ok that sounded way more edgy than i meant
JADE: heheheh, edgelord
DAVE: but anyway he was all “you dont need to know who i am” and i honestly couldnt give less of a shit about who he is
DAVE: dude was super cagey about his id and even his birthday like hes some d-list celebrity trying to avoid the nonexistent paparazzi
JADE: perhaps he was a criminal on the lam :O
JADE: you cant give out your id willy nilly when you are on the run from crimes!!
DAVE: yeah that theory tracks
DAVE: or hes just another gun-toting american who froths at the mouth over his freedom being violated
DAVE: the uncle sam poster on his bedroom wall is probably damp around the mouth you just know he frenches it when he thinks hes alone
JADE: ewww
DAVE: hey dont knock true love
DAVE: see this is why hes so secretive about their relationship people like you shit on it for no good reason
JADE: i am so sorry, you are right
JADE: i am sure they have a wonderful relationship!!
JADE: man and poster.....
JADE: star crossed lovers........
DAVE: were writing the new shakespearean tragedy here
JADE: jesus get a fucking pen!!
DAVE: hahaha
DAVE: but yeah this horseshit aside i just gave up and asked for his birthday i didnt want to deal with that asshole for a moment longer
DAVE: though i know thats against the rules or whatever he was born in 1960 its probably fine
JADE: still... :|
JADE: you shouldnt be doing that!!
DAVE: yeah yeah whatever
DAVE: oh damn that weird guy is coming in again
JADE: the cagey id guy??? again??? D:
DAVE: nah the other weird guy
DAVE: shh
The other weird guy enters, beelining straight for the coffee machines at the other side of the store.
He’s a short, pudgy, troll who seems about your age. He’s always wearing *that* black sweater (you’re pretty sure it’s the same one every day) no matter how hot it is. His nubby horns are only just visible within the wild, spiky mess that is his hair, and his eye bags are so damn dark you’re surprised he’s still alive with the level of sleep deprivation he probably suffers.
He’s a little cute.
Nope, that’s a thought you didn’t have. You’re ignoring that totally fictional train of thought you never had.
You point him out to Jade.
JADE: him?? i have never seen him before....
DAVE: seriously he comes in like every day im working
JADE: we dont share many shifts...
JADE: how is he weird?? he looks preeetty normal to me
JADE: maybe even a little cute :O
DAVE: oh shut up dont start slobbering all over him
JADE: gross jeeeez!!
JADE: i cant make even one little comment??
DAVE: nope not allowed
DAVE: youre officially banned from making any comments pertaining to the possible attractiveness of sweaty sleep deprived regulars
JADE: woooooowww
JADE: gosh what do i do now that ive been officially BANNED??
She pantomimes The Scream with her biting mockery.
For some reason, there’s something deeply discomforting about Jade finding the weird guy cute. It bothers you. (“i thought it first jackass” is not something that just popped into your head. Probably.)
JADE: what is weird about him though i dont understand
DAVE: ok first of all
DAVE: wears the same stuffy sweater every day
DAVE: even though last week it was in the fucking 70s he was still sporting that same sweater
JADE: paying a lot of attention, eh???? ;p
DAVE: shut up
DAVE: ive paid the normal amount of attention for a straight man to pay towards another probably fellow straight man
DAVE: these are incredibly normal attention transactions here
DAVE: just some good g-rated wholesome economics
JADE: suuuuuure!!! whatever you say!!!!
DAVE: keep your damn voice down
JADE: maybe he wears the sweater cause he is insecure?? or he sunburns easy???
DAVE: maybe
DAVE: anyway its not just that
DAVE: he always comes in at around 4 pm and gets coffee which is kind of a bizarre thing to get at 4 pm
DAVE: and get this
DAVE: an entire 16 oz bag of cinnamon bears
DAVE: fucking
DAVE: cinnamon bears
JADE: ok?
JADE: so he enjoys some unpopular candy!!
JADE: i think you are the weird one here for paying such close attention to him
DAVE: goddamnit can you stop trying to insinuate im mad gay crushing on the dude and listen to me
DAVE: the dude gets his extra large coffee and a *16* oz bag of goddamn fucking *cinnamon bears*
JADE: i was so not insinuating that!!
JADE: you are just being so weird about this
JADE: how does his caffeine cinnamon bear addiction hurt you??
DAVE: it doesnt i guess its just fucking bizarre and also cinnamon bear is starting to not sound like a real term anymore
JADE: oh shut up!! hes coming!!
The weird guy walks up to the counter, slouched, RBF as hell.
You walk in front of Jade, commandeering her register, and put on your best customer service facade.
DAVE: hey bro how can i help you
Fuck. Is it weird to call a customer “bro”???
WEIRD GUY: ?
WEIRD GUY: UM... JUST THE USUAL SHIT, "BRO."
DAVE: haha yeah man ive got you covered
DAVE: yeah dont worry bout the bro thing its just uh kinda my thing
You fumble with his bag of cinnamon bears, critically fucking up the simple process of scanning it.
The weird guy is looking at you puzzled, and you’re noticing how he has a bit of an overbite and how his nose wrinkles when he squints. Hahaha, weird. You mean, that’s pretty normal. These are normal observations right here, yep, mhm.
DAVE: ok and is that all wait damn the coffee
You reach and grab his coffee. You know, the one on the counter. The one he's currently got his own hand on already. God fucking damn it.
DAVE: sorry didnt mean to snatch your coffee there i was bouta scan that shit for some reason
DAVE: like wow who do i think i am invading your personal java bubble my bad bro
WEIRD GUY: I'M SURE THAT APOLOGY WOULD BE DEEPLY MEANINGFUL IF I GAVE MUCH OF A SQUEAKBEAST'S ASS ABOUT THIS BLUNDER IN THE FIRST PLACE.
WEIRD GUY: IT'S FINE.
DAVE: right yeah no worries
WEIRD GUY: ...
WEIRD GUY: ARE YOU GOING TO LET GO?
DAVE: yes
You let go, turning to the screen to select the "extra large" option under coffee.
DAVE: thatll be $6.72
WEIRD GUY: JEGUS, I'M NEVER GETTING OVER JUST HOW *OVERPRICED* SHIT IS NOWADAYS.
DAVE: jegus
He facepalms while inserting his card.
WEIRD GUY: JUST AN IN-JOKE WITH FRIENDS THAT’S NOW BECOME AN EMBARRASSING VERBAL TIC.
DAVE: its cool
DAVE: yeah inflation is wild these days
DAVE: i know im acting as a cog in the machine by working this job but honestly fuck capitalism man
WEIRD GUY: YOU SAID IT. I'M PRACTICALLY BECOMING NOCTURNAL WORKING NIGHT SHIFT.
WEIRD GUY: BEING AWAKE RIGHT NOW IS THE EQUIVALENT OF BEING UP AT 5 A.M. FOR MY BODY.
WEIRD GUY: WHICH IS BASICALLY WHEN I GO TO BED NOW TOO.
DAVE: oh damn where do you work
The card reader chimes and he removes his card. You reach for a pointless plastic bag for his one item to prolong the conversation.
WEIRD GUY: NIGHT WATCH AT THIS SHITTY FAMILY RESTAURANT.
WEIRD GUY: IT'S COUPLE BLOCKS FROM HERE.
DAVE: freddy fazbears pizza?
WEIRD GUY: YES. EXACTLY. I TOTALLY WORK AT THE FUCKING FNAF PLACE.
WEIRD GUY: I AM PERSONALLY VERY CLOSE TO THE TITULAR MR. FAZBEAR HIMSELF. WE ENGAGE IN PLATONIC BRO HUGS ON THE REGULAR DURING MY DESOLATE, INSOMNIAC SHIFTS.
DAVE: hell yeah knew it
DAVE: for real though thats the uh cowboy one right
WEIRD GUY: YES. UNFORTUNATELY.
DAVE: “howdyboy’s rootin tootin rodeo”
DAVE: with the cowboy uniforms
DAVE: do they make nightshift wear the cowboy hats too
WEIRD GUY: WHETHER OR NOT MANAGEMENT MAKES US PITIFUL NIGHTSHIFTERS WEAR THE SHITTY, SWEATSHOP-PRODUCED COWBOY HATS DESPITE *NOBODY* BEING AROUND TO WITNESS THE HORRIBLE SIGHT OF OUR SCALPS FUCKING EXISTING IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE.
DAVE: holy shit they totally do
WEIRD GUY: I'M NOT CONFIRMING NOR DENYING THIS AWFUL LINE OF QUESTIONING.
DAVE: just by saying that youve practically confirmed it dude haha
DAVE: hey uh whats your name by the way
WEIRD GUY: KARKAT. KARKAT VANTAS.
DAVE: ok cool im dave strider
DAVE: which i guess you can see on my name tag
KARKAT: YEAH.
DAVE: well here you go have a good one
KARKAT: THANKS, YOU TOO.
You hand Karkat his one item in the one pointless bag and he heads out, giving you a low energy wave goodbye.
You turn around to face your coworker.
JADE: :O
DAVE: dont say anything
JADE: :OOO
DAVE: not a word
JADE: : O
DAVE: you will not emit a single utterance from your mouth
JADE: i wasnt going to say anything!!
DAVE: sure like that guy doesnt wear a cowboy hat at work every night
JADE: jeeeez!! so touchy!!!
JADE: i just find your developing friendship with the odd regular adorable :p
DAVE: ok now those are the kinds of words you were not supposed to utter youre on thin ice harley
JADE: hehehe
JADE: im just sayiiiiing-
DAVE: absolutely nothing is what youre saying
JADE: touchy touchy touchy!!!!
DAVE: shut up
DAVE: i just have to know what kind of person could eat through a pound of cinnamon bears every other fucking day