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"This is stupid.”
Riki is met with a hard punch to his arm and it hurts enough to make him curse. “Don’t say that!” Jungwon hisses under his breath. “I’m sorry about him.” The tarot card reader is unperturbed. “People fear the truth.” She says serenely. “They are afraid of what they may find out should they dare to look.” She gestures to the laminated cards spread across a purple velvet cloth.
They are just cards. Riki thinks. But Jungwon thought otherwise and dragged Riki into this tent. It’s a spiritual guidance. A way to connect to your higher self. Can you finish your waffle already? You have cream on your mou-no not there, let me get for you. Will you stay still? Jungwon had brushed Riki’s lip with his thumb and Riki squirmed so hard that he nearly twisted his neck.
The street market is bustling today, more crowded than usual. The fizzy excitement for the new year is palpable in the air. Aunties in the thrift stalls beckon him with eager hands, advertising their clearance sale. Children whoosh past beneath him, teeth sticky from chewing on tanghulu. Radios propped up on stools crackle with the silky voice of DJs, announcing where local celebration events will be held.
Riki and Jungwon will be spending their New Year, which is tomorrow, at Jay’s house. ‘It will be lit. I promise.’ ‘No one uses ‘lit’ anymore.’ Knowing Jay, he’ll probably have them sit in a circle and write down 3 things they were grateful for this year, or whatever journal prompt he got from those ‘mental wellness’ accounts run by white suburban moms.
“Have a seat.” The tarot card reader points Jungwon to the chair. Jungwon sits and hands his bag to Riki who naturally slips it on his shoulder. “I’ll wait outside.”
Jungwon grabs Riki’s wrist before he can escape. “Don’t you want to do a reading?”
Riki looks between the tarot card reader and her gaudy jewels, the incense candles that are most definitely a fire hazard and a card that has a baby on a horse in front of a sun who has unsettling human eyes. “Can I say no?”
Jungwon blinks at him with those goddamn eyes and Riki knows the answer. No. He can’t. He can’t ever say no to him.
Riki sits in the corner while Jungwon goes first. Riki struggles to keep track of the conversation. Something about a ‘tower’ that’s ‘reversed’? ‘ Good developments may come your way but it will take time.’ Jungwon listens attentively, nodding overenthusiastically. At times, he glances back at Riki with a sly smile, as if to say - ‘did you hear that?’ Riki responds with an unimpressed cock of his eyebrows.
When it’s Riki’s turn, he begrudgingly plops himself in the chair. The tarot card reader shuffles a deck in her hands. “What would you like to find out?”
Riki looks back at Jungwon. “Hm…” Jungwon thinks on his behalf, “oh! What can he change for the new year?”
The tarot card reader hums in acknowledgement and places six cards before Riki. “Why is there a goat?” Riki remarks out loud.
“Riki shut up .”
The tarot card reader bloviates about the cards. To Riki, it’s all baseless superstition that goes in one ear and comes out the other. However, in the muddled noise, one distinct word captures his attention. “Wait, can you repeat that?”
“The Fool.” The tarot card reader repeats, pointing to the card. “You need to be more honest with yourself.”
“Honest?”
“You are not being honest with yourself about your desires. Listen to your inner feelings and let them guide you.”
Riki stares at the tarot card reader and beneath her smokey eye shadow, her eyes twinkle with a knowing look.
When they leave the tent, Jungwon bumps Riki’s shoulder. “So? What are you lying to yourself about?” He cups a hand over his eyes which spasm, struggling to adjust to the sudden change in lighting.
“Nothing.” Riki dismisses, looking down and kicking aside an empty can. “I told you, these things are stupid.”
Jungwon huffs.“Well maybe, the lie is that you think that you’re nice when in fact, you’re actually a big meanie.”
“‘Meanie’?” Riki echoes with a sputtered laugh. “What are you? Five?”
“What are you? Four?” Jungwon retorts.
“What are you? Three?”
“What are you? Two?”
“What are you? One?”
“What are you? Zero? Hah! I won.” Jungwon barks out victoriously, punching a fist in the air. They pass a cellphone repair shop that blasts bubblegum pop songs and Jungwon dances to it, wiggling his butt.
“I can’t believe you’re older than me.” Riki sighs, rubbing his forehead. He quickly tugs Jungwon into his side before Jungwon can collide into a passing cyclist.
“And by 1 year and 10 months, which is practically 2 years.” Jungwon, from where his face is squished against Riki’s shoulder, reaches up and flicks Riki’s forehead. It’s gentle however, just blunt nails scraping his skin.
“Where do you want to go now?” Riki murmurs. The sun is starting to set, orange bleeding into blue. Jungwon holds the back of his hand to his mouth, stifling a yawn. “Home. I’m tired.”
Jungwon breaks away from Riki and skips lazily down the street, arms swinging wildly. Riki chalks the shiver of his shoulder and the way his heart falls to the weather.
Riki thinks that if the party starts at 6, you should show up at 8. In fact, he reckons that his worst nightmare is being early to a party — stewing in the stilted silence, awkwardly shuffling around, trying to appear nonchalant with a beer in hand but constantly checking the door to see when everyone else is coming.
However, Jungwon is a stickler for rules, which is why they show up at Jay’s doorstep at 6 on the dot. Even Jay is surprised when he opens the door. “What are you guys doing here?”
“You said that the party starts at 6.” Jungwon lifts his watch. “It’s 6.” Jay exchanges a glance with Riki who shakes his head. “I forgot how you are.” Jay says and lets them in. “You know what? This is good. You can help me with Jake.”
“What’s wrong with Jake?” Riki asks as Jay leads them to his living room. They find Jake curled in a foetal position on the floor eyes screwed shut. Next to him, on the ceramic coffee table, is an incriminating bottle of opened whiskey.
“He’s drunk.”
“But it’s 6 p.m.” Riki sputters.
“The time that you, yourself, said the party started.” Jungwon chimes in, just to be smug. Jay rolls his eyes. Jake groans, clawing the rug. “I’m going to throw up. I’m going to die.”
“If you’re going to vomit, do it in the bathroom.” Jay kicks Jake’s hand off the rug. “This is sheepskin you degenerate. Don’t get yourself all over it.”
“Sheepskin?” Jake cries out, aghast. “Who’s the degenerate one you unethical motherfucker?!”
Jay looks at Riki and Jungwon. “Get him out of here. We can’t have the guests seeing him. I have a reputation to uphold.”
Riki looks around. “Is this reputation in the room with us?” Jay had once gotten so drunk that they found him one mile away from the club, lying in a bush, ‘芝麻鸡’ stick-poked into his arm, (which he was told meant ‘ courageous man’ , when it actually meant ‘ sesame chicken’ ) and his phone open with a painfully long confession sent to his then best friend, Sunoo. The singular positive outcome from that incident is that Sunoo is now his boyfriend. Other than that, Jay still has sesame chicken engraved into his arm, and tattoo removal is a costly bitch.
“Fuck you. Fine . Just get him out of here please? For the sake of the rug, if you will.”
“The sheep and now me? How many people will you throw away?” Jake seethes, but his voice wobbles, as though he might start blubbering any second. Riki and Jungwon haul him up and drag him to the bathroom. They work in perfect tandem. Riki positions Jake over the toilet bowl while Jungwon wrestles one of Jay’s bandanas on Jake’s head, pushing his hair out of the way.
“I’m getting old now.” Jake laments, red cheek pressed against the toilet seat. “My tolerance isn’t how it used to be.”
“Why were you even drinking so early?” Riki asks, sitting on the edge of the bathtub. Jungwon joins Jake on the floor, sitting with his back pressed against the door.
“I was pregaming!”
“Well you’re out of the game before you even played.”
“Just you wait.” Jake hisses. “You’ll be like me in a few years. This will be you, bent over a toilet bowl, at 6 o’clock in the evening because suddenly your body doesn’t work like it used to before.”
“You’re not old.” Jungwon tries to comfort but Jake shakes his head. “I am. I’m tired all the time. I no longer possess any whimsical wonder. The other day, I almost shook my fist at some rowdy elementary school kids. Now we’re about to enter a new year. Another year of growing older. Time is cruel and unforgiving. It keeps marching on. I can’t keep up.”
“That is surprisingly introspective.” Jungwon remarks wryly but Riki doesn’t share his amusement. Instead, Jake’s drunken ramble ignites a strange melancholy in his chest. Time keeps passing. It waits for no one.
Jake fires off on another tangent, something about the oversaturation in the tech industry, Riki and Jungwon listen listlessly, occasionally exchanging exasperated stares.
Out of the blue, Riki has the intuition to check the time. 7:13 p.m. “Jungwon. Weren’t you supposed to take your meds?”
Jungwon’s head snaps up. “What?” He looks at his watch. “Oh right. Wow, I completely forgot about it.”
“Why didn’t you set an alarm?”
“I forgot.” Jungwon wriggles the pill box out of his pocket and stands up. “I need to go get a cup of water. I’ll be back.”
“You can’t just forget.” Riki calls out after him, agitated. He sets an alarm on his phone for 7 p.m for the next few days. Over the top of his phone, Riki catches sight of Jake studying him with a sly grin. “What?”
“When are you and Jungwon going to get together?”
“This again? I already told you, we’re just friends.”
"There’s something between the two of you!" Jake insists. “It’s so obvious.”
“What?” Riki snorts. “Are you going to tell me some melodramatic crap like ‘ it’s the way I look at him ’?”
“No.” Jake answers. “It’s the way you don’t stop looking at him.”
"And who are they?”
“The Astronomy Club.”
“How does Jay know the Astronomy Club?”
“Through Yunjin, who’s friends with Kazuha, the girl with purple hair. She’s the club president.”
“Who’s Yunjin?”
“The girl with braids. She’s in his band, remember?”
“I thought that’s Seoyeon?”
“No. Seoyeon is his friend from class.”
“Then who is that guy he’s talking to now? Is that Choi Beomgyu? Since when were he and Jay friends?”
“Beomgyu and Yeonjun are best friends. Jay was with Yeonjun and needed a portable charger. Yeonjun didn’t have one, so he asked Beomgyu for one. Jay returned the charger to Beomgyu, and they’ve been friends ever since.”
“Jay is in a band?” Jake gapes, lifting his head from Jungwon’s lap. Riki ignores him while Sunoo throws his hands in the air in exasperation. Jungwon slowly pushes Jake’s head back down, hushing him.
At this juncture of the party, Riki surmises three points. 1. Jay knows way too many fucking people and it makes his head hurt. 2. It must make Sunoo’s head hurt to have to keep up with all of Jay’s friends. 3. Jake has been lying on Jungwon’s lap for too long.
“Why don’t you just go home?” Riki jabs Jake’s shoulder. “You’re probably going to fall asleep before midnight anyways.”
“And spend the new year alone? Aren’t you too cold hearted?” Jake cries out, wounded.
“What’s wrong with him?” Sunghoon asks, appearing behind them. He has shown up at the time that normal people would arrive at, a.k.a 8 p.m. Jungwon explains Jake’s piss poor attempt at pregaming while Sunghoon makes a huge roundabout to sit next to Riki instead of just taking the empty spot next to Sunoo. Riki frowns, glancing back and forth between them. Sunoo feigns obliviousness, taking a large gulp from his plastic cup.
Everyone seems to know each other, mingling around and their huddle, too introverted to strike up a conversation, sticks out like a sore thumb. Normally, Sunoo, the only ‘E’ of the group, would lead the way, weaving into a conversation and the rest of them would trail behind him like little ducklings. However, today, Sunoo seems to lack the energy and wordlessly, their group slowly migrates to Jay’s room.
“Do you guys think we have codependency issues?” Sunoo remarks.
“No.” Jake sits on the floor while Sunghoon scratches his back with Jay’s back scratcher. “Why would you- Sunghoon, lower, yeah, more to the right - why would you say that?”
Jungwon is finally Jake-free. Riki sidles up next to him, pressing their arms together. Jungwon glances over and breaks into a confused smile. “What?”
“What?”
“You’re smiling.”
Riki immediately flattens the curve of his lips. “I’m just glad that we’re here. It was too noisy downstairs.”
“Well that’s the point of a party.”
“And then your stupid boyfriend was scolding me about how I was dirtying his ‘ sheepskin’ rug and ow! What the hell Sunghoon?! You just hit my ass crack! Why are you going so low you pervert?!”
The door swings open. Jay looks up and yelps out in a startle. “What are you guys doing here? Did you guys even ask for my permission? Why aren’t you all downstairs-Sunghoon, is that my back scratcher? Why is it halfway down Jake’s ass?”
Sunghoon pulls it out and holds it out to Jay, blinking innocently. Jay’s face scrunches in grimace. “You know what? Just keep it. Or burn it.”
“There are too many people downstairs.” Sunoo whines. Jay circles to him and strokes the back of his head. Riki studies the easy touches between them, how Sunoo tugs Jay down and places his hand on his knee. No reasons needed. No excuses required.
Sunghoon has been helping himself to the same whiskey bottle that did Jake in. He even carried it up to Jay’s room and is now pretty far gone, a blotchy red blooming on his fair cheeks. Jungwon intercepts, taking it away from him and dosing the rest to everyone in carefully controlled amounts.
“This is boring.” Jay pipes up in the midst of all of them just lazing around. “Let’s play a game.”
“What game?” Riki asks.
“Mm… Never Have I Ever?”
“Why would we play that?” Jungwon snorts. “We already know everything about each other. In fact, I know too much about all of you.”
“To be known is to be loved.” Jake sniffles, reaching out to cling onto Jungwon’s knee. Riki presses his palm against Jake’s forehead and shoves him back.
“Who knows? Some of you sneaky bastards might be hiding something.” Jay says conspiratorially, sweeping a finger around the room. Sunghoon averts his eyes to the floor and without Jungwon noticing, adds more whiskey into his cup.
They all gather in a circle and hold 10 fingers in the air. “If you lose, you have to drink.” Jay declares. He goes first. “Never have I ever…” Jay stretches his neck forward and stares at Riki and Sunoo. “Been fired.”
“It was Riki’s fault!” Sunoo protests.
“I didn’t know that rags were flammable!”
“How could you not know?! And even so, you could have put it out instead of just staring at it!”
“I was intrigued! What’s that that Jake said just now? Oh! I was in a whimsical wonder .”
“Drink!” Jay booms, pouring the whiskey into their cups. Riki swallows it down with a hiss. Sunoo drinks it like water. Behind his cherub angel face is the alcohol tolerance of a burnt out office worker in their 40s.
Sunghoon is next. His head lolls, looking at Jake with half-lidded eyes. “Never have I ever peed in the pool.” He mumbles, words slurred.
“I told you to keep that a fucking secret!” Jake hisses. Abashed, Riki and Jay put a finger down as well. Jungwon gapes at them both. “What?! That’s so gross!”
“At least I have the courage to own up to it.” Jay defends, neck protruding out like a turtle out of his shell. “Yes, that’s so sesame chicken of you.” Riki quips. Jay lunges to whack the back of his head but Riki is faster, dodging it smoothly.
Riki is next. Jungwon is the only one who hasn’t drunk. Well, Sunghoon as well, but he’s already on the verge of passing out.
“Never have I ever slipped and fell at a restaurant, twice, and screamed both times.”
“Well that’s oddly specific.” Sunoo remarks. Jungwon grumbles and puts a finger down. “I told you not to bring that up anymore!” He hisses. He looks like an angry kitten. Riki wants to tell him that, and maybe tap his nose, but he does neither and instead, grins slyly. Jungwon begrudgingly takes a shot, wincing in disgust.
Riki catches Jake’s eye, who’s grin mirrors his, only his is more sinister. “ WHAT?” Riki mouths. Jake makes kissy faces at him. Riki knows what his next question will be. He’ll ask, “ never have I ever been a pain in the ass” , and then Jake will have to put a finger down.
“Me next!” Jake shouts gleefully and Riki is filled with dread. “Never have I ever…” Jake sing-songs, “...liked my best friend.”
Riki wants to punch Jake. He wants to punch Jake in the face. In the stomach. Maybe in the balls. But he doesn’t want to touch Jake’s balls. Jake is grinning at him, tongue in between his teeth and Riki wants to mouth a ‘ would you fuck off’ to him but his eyes, beyond his own volition, slide to Jungwon.
Jungwon looks like a deer caught in the headlights, or should he say cat? Do cats get caught in headlights? Jungwon stares at Jake with those big and round eyes, and he doesn’t look at Riki, but the tip of his ears are a deep red.
“What is this? Are you trying to snipe us?” Jay throws an arm over Sunoo’s shoulder and puts a finger down. Sunoo puts a finger down as well, but there’s a strained edge to his smile.
“Sure.” Jake grins at Jay and slides over the whiskey bottle. Jay takes it but suddenly pauses. “Wait, Sunghoon, why do you have a finger down?”
All of them turn to Sunghoon who blinks and puts his finger back up. “Accident.”
“You have a crush on someone?” Jungwon asks in surprise. Sunghoon, despite having suitors fall at his feet left right and centre, is a notorious anti-romantic.
“I said it was an accident.”
“You didn’t ‘accidentally’ put your finger down for the other questions.” Jay teases. “Come on, don’t be shy! Our Ice Prince has finally let his walls down. Who’s this mysterious person who managed to thaw your frozen heart?”
“But I said ‘best friend’.” Jake sits up, suddenly sober. “And we are your only best friends.”
“I have other best friends.” Sunghoon tries to retort.
“Who?”
“Wonyoung?”
“You don’t even wave to her when you see her around!” Jake cries out.
It hits Riki like a slap in the face. The stilted tension. The discreet avoidance. It’s all now so glaringly obvious that he doesn’t know how he missed it in the first place. His gaze swings to Sunoo who has guilt scrawled all over his features.
“So Sunghoon?” Jay presses. “Who is it?”
“Just drop it.”
“Wait.” Jay scrunches his nose. “You like Jake? ”
“No I don’t fucking like Jake!”
“Okay. Wow . No need to sound so disgusted.” Jake mutters, crossing his arms. “Why can’t Sunghoon like me? Huh? Sunghoon? Why can’t you like me? Are both of you homophobic?”
“I literally have a boyfriend.” Jay deadpans.
“We’re not homophobic.” Sunghoon groans. “You just really suck.”
“I’ll suck your dick! Wait—that’s not-”
“Then what? You like Jungwon?” Jay asks and for some reason, his eyes flicker to Riki, seemingly sympathetic. Riki almost sputters out loud.
“Would I die for Jungwon? Yes. Do I like him? No. Will you just drop this? I already said it was an accident.” Sunghoon rises to his feet. “I’m going for a walk.”
“You’re obviously hiding something!” Jay is starting to lose his playfulness, growing irked instead. “Why are you hiding something? We’re your best friends.”
“Goddamnit Jay!” Sunghoon whirls around. “You really want to know?” He knocks over his own cup and it spills on Jungwon’s shirt. Jungwon jerks in alarm but before Riki can ask if he is okay, Sunoo suddenly blurts out:
“Sunghoon and I hooked up!”
Jay’s face falls. Sunghoon buries his face in his hand. Jake’s jaw drops open. Jungwon’s eyes bounce to and fro like a pinball, sticky alcohol-drenched shirt completely forgotten.
“It was before you and I started dating.” Sunoo blubbers, rushing to put out the fire. “Sunghoon and I had been messing around for a while. But then you confessed and I really did like you! But we didn’t say anything because we thought it would make things weird between you two.”
Riki wants to be anywhere but here. He hates confrontation — having to lay your emotions bare, stew in each other’s vulnerability. It makes his skin crawl. Jay stares at Sunghoon, seething. “You should have told me.”
“And you should have told me that you liked Sunoo!” Sunghoon fights back. “You shouldn’t have kept that a secret!”
“You shouldn’t have kept fucking him a secret!”
“Jay come on.” Sunoo pleads, tugging Jay’s arm. “It’s all in the past. Sunghoon doesn’t even like me anymore, he barely did in the first place. Right, Sunghoon?” He looks at Sunghoon, urging him to jump in. “ Right? ”
Sunghoon doesn’t answer. Instead, he says. “I’m not trying to get in between the two of you.”
And with that, he stalks out.
Sunoo tries to hold onto Jay but Jay shakes him off, marching out as well. Sunoo cries out a string of expletives and drops to the floor, burying his head between his knees. Riki reaches out and awkwardly pats his shoulder.
“You should have told Jay the truth.” Jungwon says, ever so straightforward. Sunoo looks up at him with teary eyes. “It’s not that easy, okay? I didn’t want to ruin their friendship!”
Jungwon opens his mouth to argue but Riki shoots him a look, fervently shaking his head. His pats on Sunoo’s shoulder turn empathetic.
The four of them sit on the floor of Jay’s room while the party rages on below. Sunghoon has probably left by now, but they have no idea where Jay is. Riki thinks that Jay is the type to power through and stick to being a responsible host, but who knows what such a shocking truth bomb can do.
“So…” Jake whistles out, after a long drawn-out silence.
“Who’s better in bed?”
“ Jake .” Riki groans. Jungwon slaps a hand on his forehead and Sunoo looks like he wants to die.
“I’m just asking!”
“Why do you need to know?”
“I’m just curious about the performance of my fellow peers. My 02 boyz. It helps to foster our calamari.”
Jungwon frowns. “Do you mean camaraderie ?”
“Is that not what I said?”
Sunoo lets out a sharp wail. They all shut up.
“It looks like Japan.”
“What?”
“The stain on your shirt.” Riki points. “It looks like Japan.”
“Japan looks like a stain on a shirt?”
“No, Japan looks like a seahorse.” Riki traces his finger along Jungwon’s oversized striped button-down. “See, this is the tail, this is the body, this hump is the head and,” he jabs the splatter of dots that spread out in a vertical line, “this is the snout. This is what Japan looks like on the map.”
Riki and Jungwon are back in the bathroom, minus Jake this time who is on comfort duty, trying to console an inconsolable Sunoo. Jungwon is hunched over the sink, washing out the spilled alcohol on his shirt. Riki hangs next to him — legs crossed, back against the wall.
“Did you know that the Japanese word for seahorse translates to ‘Dragon’s Bastard Child’?”
“That’s not very nice.”
“I know right? Seahorses are cute.” Riki pokes Jungwon’s dimple that pockmarks his cheek, particularly pronounced since his lips are pursed in concentration. “Like our Jungwonie.”
Jungwon squirms, wiggling away. “Don’t do that.” The tip of his ears are red again.
As Jungwon dries his shirt with a hairdryer, he raises his voice to ask Riki a question. “Do you think I was being too harsh to Sunoo just now?”
Riki strains his ears to hear him over the raucous vroom of the hairdryer. “Yeah.” He shouts. “Kind of.”
Jungwon frowns. The wind from the hairdryer makes his dark brown fringe flutter. “But what he and Sunghoon did to Jay was wrong. They shouldn’t have lied to him.”
“Well it’s not that simple, is it? They were trying to protect him.”
“But they didn’t, did they? They just ended up hurting him more this way.”
“Well if only Jay wasn’t so insistent on needling the truth out of Sunghoon.” Riki snorts. “I always tell him that he shouldn’t be so goddamn nosey.”
“Well the truth would have come out either way. Sunoo and Sunghoon were acting weird around each other.” Jungwon switches off the hair dryer and fans his shirt to cool it down. “Come on, let’s go back. In hindsight, I don’t think it was a good idea to leave Sunoo with Jake.”
Jungwon opens the bathroom door but he has his head down, blowing on shirt like it’s a spoonful of hot food. Riki trails behind him and ahead, in the corridor, he spots a couple making out. He’s about to nudge Jungwon to snicker about it, but the guy breaks away for a breath and Riki freezes.
It’s Heeseung. As in, Lee Heeseung. As in, Jungwon’s ex-boyfriend.
Heeseung, as if sensing Riki’s stare, looks over. He still wears his hair the same way – artfully messy, fringe falling into his eyes. The only difference is that it’s a dark purple now, a change from the platinum blonde that it was when he was dating Jungwon. Riki, with his staggering height, isn’t one to get intimidated, but Heeseung always had a knack for making him feel small.
“I think it’s fine now.” Jungwon is about to look up. Riki slaps his palm over Jungwon’s eyes and tugs him back against his chest.
“Riki what-?!” Jungwon flails, trying to wrench Riki’s arm off. “What are you doing?!” Riki doesn’t budge, eyes locked with Heeseung.
Heeseung pins him with a searing look before wordlessly leading his partner away. Only when Heeseung has completely vanished does Riki then release his grip on Jungwon.
“What did you do that for?!” Jungwon whirls around and looks up at Riki. Close. So close. How are Jungwon’s eyes even bigger? Is that humanly possible? Riki’s heart stutters, pathetically tripping over its rhythm. “Prank.” He mumbles weakly.
“Why would you-” Jungwon flusters and shoves him in the chest. “What kind of prank is that?”
As they walk back to Jay’s room, Riki checks every corner for Heeseung. His knuckles sting, remembering past bruises.
Riki ran into Heeseung a month ago, right when Jungwon and him just broke up. Riki was very drunk that night thanks to Nicholas feeding him shot after shot. As he was stumbling out of the bathroom, he saw Heeseung taking a smoke with his friends. Heeseung was laughing at something his friend had said, lips curled around his cigarette. Riki felt a swell of blinding anger. So Riki lunged forward, grabbed Heeseung by the collar of his shirt and punched him in the face. Very macho, leading-man-in-a-shoujo-drama style.
Except it hurt. Like, it really, really , hurt. Riki let out a whiny string of ‘ owow-OW’ and doubled over, cradling his fist. Heeseung’s friends swarmed Riki, ready to pounce but Heeseung waved them off. “He’s just a kid.” Despite his bruised jaw, Heeseung was coolly indifferent. It was so infuriating that Riki wanted to punch him again but his hand really fucking hurt .
Heeseung looked down at him and jerked his head. “Follow me.”
Riki followed Heeseung to a convenience store. He sat on the curbside out front, petulantly kicking rocks by the drain while Heeseung went in. Heeseung emerged with a singular tube of antiseptic cream. He sat down next to Riki and twisted it open. “Give me your hand.”
“I don’t want your help.” Riki sneered.
“Give me your hand or I’ll have you arrested for assaulting me.”
Riki gave Heeseung his hand. “Ow, ow !” Riki hissed as Heeseung roughly dabbed the antiseptic cream over his knuckles. “Can you be more gentle?”
“Stop being so dramatic. Honestly, you don’t even need this antiseptic.”
Riki huffed and looked away, mumbling under his breath. “Then why did you buy it…”
Heeseung sighed, like a single interaction with Riki aged him by a thousand years. In the dead of 3 a.m, Seoul’s winter frost was bone-biting. The cars that rolled past them puffed out fumes of black exhaust gas which made Riki choke. A stray cat crawled towards them, mewing softly. Heeseung clicked his tongue, beckoning it over. The cat nuzzled against Heeseung’s side and rested its tiny head on Heeseung’s thigh. Don’t touch him! Riki urgently warned the cat inside his head. He’s evil!
“Riki.”
“What.”
“Why did you punch me?”
Riki scoffed. “Because you broke up with Jungwon?”
“That’s not a reason to punch someone.”
“What do you mean? Of course it is. You made him upset.”
“It was an amicable break up.”
“But Jungwon was upset.” Riki had heard the news from Jungwon’s mum and ran to his house, where Jungwon had greeted him with bloodshot eyes and puffy cheeks. “You must have done something.”
Heeseung sighed again and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m guessing that Jungwon did not tell you why I broke up with him.”
Riki faltered. Jungwon hadn’t. He had been strangely mum about it when Riki asked.
“Riki.”
“What?”
“What is Jungwon to you?”
Riki blinked. His heart started hammering, for reasons he could not understand. “My best friend?”
Heeseung turned his head and looked him in the eye. The bruise on his jaw was now a mottled smear of red and purple. Riki felt bad. “That’s all?”
“What do you mean?”
“That’s all he is to you? Your best friend?”
“Yeah.”
Heeseung shook his head.
“You should be more honest with yourself.”
“So what now?”
Jake is fast asleep in Jay’s bed, drool slipping out of his mouth. Sunoo sent them a text saying that he went home. Sunghoon is still missing in action and Jay is presumably downstairs but Riki and Jungwon are probably the last people he wants to see right now.
“Should we just leave?” Jungwon asks while nudging Jake’s leg that hangs off the bed. Jake grunts, lazily hiking it up the mattress.
“Don’t you want to celebrate the New Year?”
“I want to see the fireworks.” Jungwon answers, circling to Jay’s window and looking out. “I don’t think you can see it from here.”
Riki pulls out his phone and searches: where to see fireworks seoul. “There’s a spot near us. We’ll have to take a bus though.” He checks his watch. 10:30 pm. “We can make it in time.”
Jungwon spins around. “Really?” He exclaims, bouncing on his heels. “Let’s go!”
The crowd downstairs has only seemed to swell in the time that they were camping out in Jay’s room. Riki has to fold his long limbs into half in order to squeeze through the crowd. Jungwon sticks closely behind him, clutching the hem of his t-shirt in order not to lose him. Riki is afraid that his shirt might tear from how much Jungwon is tugging at it and reaches back, clasping their hands together instead.
Riki scans the crowd, making sure they don’t inadvertently bump into Heeseung, but he also keeps a lookout for Jay, wondering how he’s doing but the elder is nowhere to be found. Riki frowns and turns back to Jungwon. “Did you see Jay?”
Except Riki overestimated the distance between him and Jungwon and leaned in too close. His lips accidentally brush the shell of Jungwon’s ear. Despite the raging noise, Riki can hear Jungwon’s breath hitch.
Riki backs away. “S-Sorry.”
Jungwon blinks rapidly and his throat flexes in a tight swallow. “No.” He answers, trying to be casual. “I haven’t seen Jay.”
Riki nods and leads them out. The racket of the party fades, growing muffled as they tread down the steep hill. Jungwon clutches Riki’s hand tighter as he tries to maintain his balance.
“Is Tokyo,” Jungwon pants, “as hilly as Seoul?”
“No, which is strange, because Japan is 70% mountainous.”
“I want to go to Tokyo one day.”
“I’ll bring you. I’ll bring you to my hometown as well.”
“Oyakama?”
“ Okayama.”
“Okay-yama.” Jungwon repeats in a small voice. “Will you bring all of us?”
Riki shrugs. “Well, if Jay, Sunghoon and Sunoo are still friends after this, then sure.” Riki wonders if things can go back to normal for the three of them, or even if they all accept it, will the truth leave behind an indelible mark?
“What if you just brought me?”
Riki looks over at Jungwon, confused. “Huh?”
“I mean…” Jungwon stares resolutely ahead, refusing to meet his eye. “What if it was just the two of us?”
“...Do you want that?”
Jungwon shrugs stiffly. He’s starting to become antsy, threatening to slip from Riki’s grasp. Riki tightens his fingers.
“I like it…” Jungwon mumbles belatedly. “...When it’s just the two of us.”
There Riki’s heart goes again, sputtering and spasming like a broken artery. “I like it too.”
Jungwon beams at him and Riki ribcage feels like his mother’s pressure cooker — whistling shrilly, cap rattling away, the curry sauce she made inside crackling and bubbling. Just say it Riki. Just fucking say it.
“Fuck you Sunghoon! Eat my shit!”
Riki tears his eyes away from Jungwon. “Is that Jay?” The two hadn’t realised that they reached the foot of the hill.
Fun fact: Sunghoon and Jay live near each other. Less fun fact: This means that Jay has easy access to Sunghoon’s house. Not fun at all fact: Jay is currently pelting eggs at Sunghoon’s house.
“Will you cut it out you psycho!” Sunghoon yells from his window. This only makes Jay aim for him and Sunghoon whacks his chin against the windowsill in his attempt to duck.
“Backstabber!” Jay shouts so hard that the veins in his neck protrude. “Liar!”
“You know, with how dramatic you’re being, people would think that we were boyfriends and I cheated on you or something- goddamnit !” Sunghoon swerves to the side, dodging another incoming egg.
“Sunghoon now is not the time for sass!” Jungwon yells. He and Riki try to approach Jay but Jay wields an egg like a weapon, threatening to throw it.
“Jay…Put the egg down–nope.” Riki tries but throws his hands in the air, giving up instantly. “ This is stupid. This is so stupid I’m not doing this.”
“He fucked my boyfriend!” Jay protests. It’s alarming how quickly he has unravelled since they last saw him an hour ago. His blonde hair that was perfectly slicked back is now frazzled as though rats have been chewing on it. His dress shirt, that is now untucked from his slacks, has a nasty sweat patch on the back.
“He wasn’t your boyfriend at the time!” Sunghoon retorts.
“But you still have a crush on him! Even until now!”
“Hm. Yeah. You got me there.”
“GO BACK INSIDE SUNGHOON!” Riki and Jungwon shout in unison.
Sunghoon raises his hands in surrender, retracting his head from the window when a wail of sirens pierce the air. They are suddenly swarmed with flashes of red and blue as a police car charges towards them.
“What the hell Sunghoon?” Riki gapes in disbelief. “You called the cops?!”
“I didn’t!” Sunghoon shouts. “It must have been my neighbour! She’s super nosey!” All of them look at Sunghoon’s neighbour, a middle-aged lady, who is standing by her gate watching this whole ordeal go down. “Excuse me?” She demands, huffily tugging her shawl tight. “What did you just say?”
“...I said you look super cosy!”
“Run!” Jay hisses but shoves the carton of eggs into Jungwon’s hands.
“Wha-Why are you giving this to me?!” Jungwon sputters but Jay is already sprinting down the street, vanishing from sight. Jungwon whirls to Riki, big eyes bulging in panic.
“What do I do with this?!”
“Put it down!”
“Where?!”
“What do you mean where just chuck it in the grass or something!”
“But that’s littering!”
“Are you-Are you serious we don’t have time for this right now–”
“Stop there!” Riki and Jungwon are blinded by a beam of flashlight shined directly in their faces. “Two of you! Don’t move! Hands in the air!”
Riki slowly raises his hands in the air. Jungwon, on the other hand, panics and shoots his hands in the air so quickly that he drops the egg carton. The eggs crack with a loud splat.
Great.
Riki and Jungwon take turns getting questioned at the police officer’s desk.
– – –
Policeman: “So your friend found out that his boyfriend was cheating on him with his best friend and decided to throw eggs at his house as revenge?”
Jungwon: “Well, Sunoo didn’t cheat on Jay. He slept with Sunghoon before they started dating.”
Policeman: “….Right. And you’re also saying that this “ Jay” handed you the carton of eggs and ran off?”
Jungwon: “Yes. Am I going to jail? I’m too young to go to jail! I want a lawyer.”
Policeman: “That’s not how this works.”
– – –
Policeman: “But if this “ Jay ” is your friend, then why would he “frame” the two of you?”
Riki: “Because he’s an idiot.”
Policeman: “Language young man.”
Riki: “Sorry”
Policeman: “ So the two of you just happened to be standing there at the exact same time that “ Jay ” was doing this?”
Riki: “We were trying to stop him.”
Policeman: “ You and Yang Jungwon ?”
Riki: “Yes.”
Policeman: “ What’s your relationship with Yang Jungwon ?”
Riki: “I-Why does everyone keep asking me that?!”
Policeman: “What? I just need it for the report.”
– – –
“I can’t have a criminal record!” Jungwon hyperventilates, pacing up and down the 4m x 4m cell. “What would my grandmother think of me?”
“Calm down.” Riki rolls a ball of lint in between his thumb and index finger, slouched in a corner. “We’re not going to get a criminal record. Sunghoon is on his way. He’ll tell them that he doesn’t want to press charges and then we’ll be free to go.”
“Then why did they take our IDs? Aren’t they putting our name into the system?”
“It’s just a routine procedure.”
“Look at him! He’s typing.” Jungwon wedges his face between the bars. “What is he typing? Huh? Officer! What are you typing?”
“Jungwon.” Riki calls out. “Come here.”
Jungwon lingers by the bars, reluctant to budge.
“ Jungwon .”
Jungwon finally breaks away and shuffles over to Riki with his head hung low. Riki grabs Jungwon’s hand and tugs him down to sit next to him. “Here.” Riki plucks a new piece of lint from his jacket and hands it to Jungwon.
Jungwon mimics Riki, rolling the lint between his fingers until it becomes a misshapen ball. Eventually, his breathing evens out and he looks at the clock on the wall. “I can’t believe we’re going to be spending the New Year in a jail cell.”
Riki shakes his head.“I’m going to hold this over Jay’s head forever. I’m going to bring this up till the day I die. I’m going to guilt-trip a lifetime's worth of bungeoppang out of him.”
Jungwon laughs softly under his breath. “And ichiran ramen .”
“That’s right.”
“And oranges.” Jungwon’s head lolls and comes to a rest on Riki’s shoulder. “You like oranges these days.”
“Mhm.” Riki looks down at Jungwon and counts each long eyelash. He wonders if Jungwon used to do this with Heeseung. Was Heeseung also afraid that Jungwon could hear how loud his heart was beating? Did Jungwon’s eyelash fall off and land on his cheek? Did Heeseung brush it off with his thumb and feel the way Jungwon shiver? Riki’s hatred for Heeseung rises and rises and rises, but undercutting its enormity is a belated understanding. Oh .
23:59:30. The digital clock on the wall flashes in red, neon, block numbers. “30 seconds left.” Riki nudges Jungwon. “Aren’t you going to count down?”
Jungwon’s eyes remain shut. “What’s the point?” He grumbles.
Regardless, when there’s 5 seconds left, Riki softly counts under his breath. “5, 4, 3, 2…1. Happy New Year Jungwon.”
Jungwon’s mouth twitches in a small smile.
Then, beyond the wall that traps them in, they hear the distant boom of fireworks. Jungwon springs off Riki’s shoulder and presses his ear to the wall. He let out a long whine, distraught. “Oh my god! I can’t believe we’re missing the fireworks!”
Riki joins Jungwon, resting his cheek against the wall. “There’s always fireworks next year.”
“But then I’ll have to wait a whole year!”
Jungwon’s ear is turning red from how hard he’s squashing it against the wall. His palms curl into fists, as though he wishes that he could break down this dry plaster that’s coming in between him and the candescent colours that explode across the sky.
Jungwon wishes to see the fireworks, but does he realise that it’s right here? In his eyes? In Riki’s heart?
“Jungwon.”
“Mhm?” Jungwon’s eyes flicker over to Riki, and Riki has been denying the truth for so long that now, when he finally puts his fight down, it floods forward in full force, so painfully obvious. Jungwon’s face puddles, already knowing what he’s going to say before he even says it.
It hangs unspoken in the air, a mutual understanding that they share in silence.
“You already know.” Riki whispers, “how I feel. I do a shit job of hiding it.”
“But why were you trying to hide it?” Jungwon reaches forward and picks at the frayed threads on the hole in Riki’s jeans. “I was waiting so long for you.”
“I didn’t want things to change between us. I mean, you saw today, what being honest gets you.” Riki exhales a dry laugh. “I didn’t want to risk…I didn’t want to risk losing you.”
Jungwon’s fingers stop picking and instead, turn to lightly grazing the patches of Riki’s exposed skin, inducing hard goosebumps. “Then why are you suddenly saying it now?”
“I realised that I look like an idiot trying to hold it back. Anyone can see that I’m in love with you.”
Jungwon fully stops breathing for a second. Then, he hooks his index finger in the hole of Riki’s jeans and tugs him forward. Riki goes, leaning in. His blonde fringe that’s tinged black brushes against Jungwon’s forehead. Jungwon liked this colour on him, so he has kept it ever since.
“Wait-” Jungwon suddenly stutters and looks to his left. “The officers-”
“What are they going to do?” Riki murmurs. “Arrest us?”
Jungwon breaks into an airy giggle. Another explosion of colours. Vibrant. Breathtaking. Riki leans in, lips brushing against Jungwon’s own-
“Hey hey! You two! What are you doing?” An officer springs from his chair in a grating screech.
Riki and Jungwon are separated into two different holding cells, but when they emerge from the police station, they are holding hands. Sunghoon, who is waiting for them outside the station with his car, raises his eyebrows. “Either prison has made you two trauma-bond or the two of you finally put on your big boy pants and confessed to each other.”
Jungwon blushes and hides his face on Riki's shoulder. Riki tugs Jungwon behind him, scoffing at Sunghoon. “Leave us alone you creep. You’re one of the reasons why we ended up in jail in the first place.”
“How is it my fault?!” Sunghoon protests. “Mind you, I am the victim here. I was the guy who was getting eggs thrown at his window.”
“Well why did you take so long to come?! We had to wait for you for like,” Riki glances at his watch. “Two hours. You should have followed us the moment we got hauled away by the cops!”
“...I had to do the New Year Countdown.”
“Oh my god, is this-” Jake suddenly stumbles out from the passenger seat of Sunghoon’s car, nearly tumbling onto the floor in his haste. “Are you two holding hands? Are you two together? Oh my god.” Jake barrels towards them and engulfs them in a tight hug before either of them can run away. “ Ha Riki! I told you, I toooollddd you so. I know you too well. Don’t even try to deny it!”
“I didn’t even say anything-”
“But this is beautiful you guys.” Jake releases them and clasps his hands together with a weepy laugh, like a parent sending their daughter off on her wedding day. “So beautiful. My heart is so full.”
Jake tries to land a smooch on Riki’s cheek who dodges in disgust. “Ugh. Why are you even here? Didn’t you fall asleep in Jay’s room?”
“Yes, I did. But Sunghoon, who was looking for Jay, came in and woke me up.”
“Where’s Jay?” Jungwon asks, looking around. “Did he not come?”
Sunghoon’s gaze drops to the ground. Jake clears his throat. “...Jay said he’ll make it up to you guys another time.”
“Is he not here because Sunghoon is here?”
For the first time that night, the gazes that are exchanged are sombre. Riki swallows, a budding fear taking root in him. “Are you two going to be okay?”
Sunghoon sighs with a sad smile and ruffles Riki’s hair. “Not sure. We’ll see how things go.”
Honesty is frightening. Peeling our skin off. Sitting with our raw flesh, face to face. It’s unkind, it throws a comfortable equilibrium off balance, but it’s also coming up for air after being deep underwater for so long. Riki can see it in the slope of Sunghoon’s shoulders, a bittersweet relief. He can feel it within himself, a rush of fear and anxiety threatening to squash his happiness, but ebbing away when he looks at Jungwon.
“You guys go ahead.” He tells Sunghoon and Jake and takes Jungwon’s hand, leading him away. “We’ll walk home.”
“Seriously?” Jake asks. “But you two live so far away!” Sunghoon is sensible enough to catch Riki’s hint and drags Jake back to his car.
“Wait what did you do that for?” Jungwon gapes while Sunghoon’s car pull out of the driveway and disappear into the dark night. “We needed the ride! We’re so far away from-”
Riki yanks Jungwon in and kisses him, square and proper. Jungwon gasps against his mouth, weakly clutching his shirt. Jungwon tastes like tart cherry lip balm and is a dizzy fusion of searing and soft all at once. Riki gathers Jungwon in his arms and pushes forward for more, eyes shut.
When they break apart, they’re breathless. Jungwon blinks dazedly, red in the cheeks. Riki smirks. “Still mad about the ride?”
“N-No…”
Jungwon is too cute. Riki picks him up, despite his squawk of protest, and whirls him around, laughing into the frosty air.
It’s a new year and yet the world keeps spinning. It waits for no one. Riki no longer wants to live in regret.
- the end.