Work Text:
Jiang Cheng takes Nie Huaisang on a date in the middle of it all. One date couldn’t hurt anything, he soothed himsef (and probably couldn’t help anything if it was really just one). So, Jiang Cheng asked Nie Huaisang on one date, in the middle of it all, the middle of his brother’s death.
As in, the “it” of it all being Wei Wuxian being dead. And then not. Not- not, Jiang Cheng didn’t ask Nie Huaisang out while Nie Mingjue was dying. Jiang Cheng wasn’t there while Nie Mingjue was dying. Frankly sounds like it was a party, half the people Jiang Cheng knows were there, he wasn’t. He’s glad he wasn’t. He’s not good with death, or sympathy or hospitals- or brothers- as Nie Huaisang had helpfully spat once.
Jiang Cheng had been firmly looking at the green laces on Huasiang’s silver docs by that point in the conversation, so he’d just… left.
Brothers. The point was brothers. The point is always brothers (and never siblings even though older and never even-) His hands had clenched into fists, and his chest had clenched into stone, and he thought he was going to choke on all the words he couldn’t think of, so Jiang Cheng left and said nothing. Nie Huaisang had said nothing back in return.
*****
Before
Jiang Cheng meets Nie Huaisang at a summer camp. Nie Huaisang, lazy and squeamish as he is, in hindsight, does not seem like the kind of boy Jiang Cheng ought to have met at a summer camp. But Nie Huaisang, lazy and squeamish as he was, had an older brother who probably searched for opportunities to be rid of Nie Huaisang in order to make loving him a little easier. Or maybe that’s just Jiang Cheng’s cynical mind except he doesn’t even mean it like that it’s just-
*****
Still before
Jiang Cheng doesn’t see Nie Huaisang after the funeral- Nie Mingjue’s funeral that is- because Wei Wuxian- although technically actually, Jiang Cheng doesn’t see Nie Huaisang at Nie Mingjue’s funeral either, because he doesn’t go. Didn’t go. Never went. Huaisang, that is. Jiang Cheng went.
At which point Jiang Cheng calls Nie Huaisang to call him a cunt, only to find the man’s in the hospital, at which point Jiang Cheng has already called Huaisang a cunt.
And worse.
Real worse, like targeted insults and pointed barbs and not infantile swear words that could be interpreted as a sign of affection if both people were twisted enough.
Except Jiang Cheng is incapable of backing down and he can’t get the apology to climb out of his throat so he just… refuses to take it back. And Jiang Cheng is pushed and Jiang Cheng shoves and-
And Jiang Cheng doesn’t see any more of Nie Huaisang and doesn’t hear any more of him either.
Until- until he does and they have that date and there’s something in the middle of that- except there isn’t- except-
*****
Before
When they’re at summer camp Nie Huaisang tells everybody that he can’t swim. Nobody, Jiang Cheng and the leaders included, believes this. Swimming is an essential part of said camp, it’s a summer camp by a lake. Nie Huaisang can swim. This is the generally held opinion until the evening that ends with lots of sniffles, hot chocolate, blankets, and serious conversations between one unfortunate kid and the staff.
Oh, and also the rule to not push Nie Huaisang into the lake and the general ban of Nie Huaisang from any activity involving watersports. In some ways Jiang Cheng is jealous. He doesn’t really like watersports (and he refuses to count swimming in that category). In most ways he’s not. Jiang Cheng isn’t sure he’d be able to breathe if he couldn’t swim.
He’s also not actually sure if Nie Huaisang would still be breathing either- if he couldn’t swim, that is. Considering the- well the everything of being sixteen and caving and fucking idiots and-
Anyway, Nie Huaisang is a being unto himself that makes no goddamn sense so why does Jiang Cheng let himself be so tied up into knots about-
*****
In between
The first- well no, the second, Jiang Cheng has to look down to notice this, so it’s the second. But the second thing Jiang Cheng notices when Nie Huaisang finally deigns to darken his door years later, after Jiang Cheng had burned all the bridges, is that he’s wearing those silver docs with the green laces. Different green laces. Time measured in a shoe lace, so much for ‘how long is a piece of string’.
But Jiang Cheng can’t look at shoe laces forever, so he forces his eyes up and onto Nie Huaisang. Eyes that are a million miles away and everywhere at once. Including right here. Huaisang’s mouth has been drawn into a smile, but it doesn’t meet, and it doesn’t match. The eyes.
That’s fine though, what does add up about Nie Huaisang, after all? The fact that he’s here now- then- in the first place certainly didn’t. Doesn’t.
(The first thing Jiang Cheng notices is that Nie Huaisang is smiling, actually.)
Before- just, before all of it really. All of the bad, or, actually, more accurately, all of the worse, looking at Nie Huaisang didn’t make Jiang Cheng itch. They’re just some kids and Jiang Cheng begs his older sister to drive him the next town over, while two towns away Nie Huaisang is begging his older brother to do the same.
Yanli agrees because she knows their father won’t. Nie Huaisang just doesn’t have a dad so maybe that’s why Mingjue agrees, Jiang Cheng wouldn’t know.
Nie Huaisang drags Jiang Cheng around by the wrist and Jiang Cheng lets him, because Nie Huaisang is just excitable and touchy like that. He stamps on Wei Wuxian’s foot when he tries to do the same.
*****
Before
The guy who opens the door to what seventeen (nearing eighteen) year old Jiang Cheng has been assured is Nie Huaisang’s address is big, beefy, and stacked. He glares as Jiang Cheng takes a moment to collect himself on the doorstep and reassert his confidence in being in the correct place.
“I’m Jiang Cheng,” Jiang Cheng offers, he debates offering a hand as well, but the guy just grunts so he stuffs them both behind his back. “Nie Huaisang’s friend.” The guy doesn’t look away from him, just hollers “Huaisang”, leaning back into the house. The shout is followed by some clattering.
Jiang Cheng tries to do a good job of peering into the house to see where Huaisang might be without looking like he’s peering. The guy- who’s probably Nie Mingjue as this seems to be the right house, is still eyeing him up. Then- unexplainably, the guy softens.
“You’re a good kid, Jiang Cheng,” Nie Mingjue declares just as Huaisang is ducking up from under his brother’s elbow, clutching his shiny silver docs in his hand.
Jiang Cheng doesn’t know what to say to that, so he just nods and coughs. He might be flushing; they all pretend he isn’t.
“Let’s go!” Nie Huaisang’s all energy, his hand wrapping around Jiang Cheng’s own and dragging him away.
Huaisang rambles on and on about his art project, occasionally interspersed with funny anecdotes about the things that have happened to him in the various locations of the town they walk through.
And Jiang Cheng hasn’t felt very good in a while. But he feels alright right now.
“How’s your sister holding up?” Nie Mingjue asks, in the car. He’s in the car because Nie Mingjue had insisted on feeding Jiang Cheng, which mean that he had missed the bus to get his train, which meant that Nie Mingjue had offered to drive. Nie Huaisang had tried to come along too, but apparently he had homework to do. Nie Mingjue had not budged on this.
Jiang Cheng had internally snorted because by leaving Nie Huaisang alone Nie Mingjue was all but ensuring Huaisang wasn’t going to do the slightest smidgeon of work, but far from it to be Jiang Cheng’s place to say any of that.
But Yanli. Yanli. And Nie Huaisang’s brother asking.
Jiang Cheng thinks.
“I know her brother-in-law to be,” Nie Mingjue elaborates without Jiang Cheng asking. He’s still thinking. It’s hard to think about. His thoughts slip about the matter like water on an oily pan. He doesn’t know what to say.
It’s still kind of too raw. And he thinks she misses Wei Wuxian. He thinks she’s mad at him. At Jiang Cheng. Maybe she’s mad at Wei Wuxian too, but distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that.
Not Jiang Cheng’s heart though, of course. But he doesn’t know- he can’t open his mouth on Wei Wuxian.
“I guess she’s doing ok,” he offers retreating into safe unoffensive, uninformative, politeness. Nie Mingjue hums.
“And I guess you’re doing just ok too?” If Jiang Cheng were more- there might have been something more to read there. In what Nie Mingjue was saying. But Jiang Cheng’s looking out the window and thinking about the day he just spent with Nie Huaisang. And it’s just-
“Yeah,” he thinks about shoving Nie Huaisang up a tree before climbing to join him, “I guess I am.”
*****
He wrote letters to Nie Huaisang, for a bit. It’s all very Victorian romantic. Except it’s not. Sometimes your phone gets confiscated but your pen never does. Sometimes it’s easier to say things when you’re not going to get a response straight away. When the rawness has eased.
And sometimes, Jiang Cheng thinks Nie Huaisang just wants to flex his fancy penmanship. It is good, he has to admit.
Wuxian ran ‘round the house, hooting, holding the still sealed envelopes above his head while Jiang Cheng made all kinds of threats about what he was going to do once he got ahold of the letter (and his brother).
*****
In between
“Why are you here?” Jiang Cheng of the present demands of the Nie Huaisang that’s turned up outside his door and it’s- it’s more genuinely confused than hostile. But he always sounds hostile, because when he’s confused he goes hostile. And- it’s not fair.
“I needed to talk to someone,” Nie Huaisang says, voice sounding distant. His eyes are still somewhere else. “And it can’t- couldn’t- it can’t be any of them.”
It’s like a pit’s opened up beneath him. It’s like a wave is crashing in his ears. It’s like- once again- it’s all over and over and- It’s been years, a- a- person with who Jiang Cheng shouldn’t exist, and yet Jiang Cheng’s still stuck playing second fiddle.
*****
After
Jiang Cheng bought Nie Huaisang his first pair of green laces. His own parents had been in the ground for scarcely a month and Jiang Cheng was buying Nie Huaisang shoelaces because it seemed like a way to make things right. It’s nothing. It’s everything. It’s something he’s not even sure Huaisang remembers. Jiang Cheng doesn’t remember it. Or- he knows he did it. But he doesn’t remember and he knows it meant something else but it didn’t, surely. Because what? And so-
He remembers this, standing in a shoe shop in the mall with fourteen year old Jin Ling, eyes seeing but not really seeing, Jin Ling close by in the crowd picking out what takes his fancy. Jiang Cheng’s eyes sweeping across everything except the shop and then he sees-
He calls Huaisang that night.
“You can’t just ring me up for a booty call,” Huaisang sing-songs over the phone. It’s lewd, but it’s not friendly. Jiang Cheng thinks he might be sick. Then Huaisang’s words wash over him and he thinks he might scream.
He winds up yelling.
He never tells Huaisang what it was that he was trying to tell. About the- about Lan Wangji- and the- the- the other guy. Jin Ling’s uncle who wasn’t, who was. Jiang Cheng fiddles with his mother’s ring and wonders why it was so undeniably him and why couldn’t it have just been Yanli.
*****
In between
Huaisang’s kissing him, and that’s good. Huaisang’s fingers are also digging into Jiang Cheng’s shoulders so hard it hurts, and that’s not so good. Jiang Cheng doesn’t like that. He tries to wriggle, to prise them off, and Huaisang just stops- so Jiang Cheng stops too and they stare at each other. They’ve stared at each other more tonight than they have in the past five years.
Except they don’t because at this point Jiang Cheng is so close he can barely actually see Nie Huaisang’s face, let alone take it in and-
Huaisang swears, and takes off.
Jiang Cheng is left behind.
Jiang Cheng calls Nie Huaisang the next morning. He means to ask if the other man is alright. He means to ask the other man what the hell that was?! He winds up asking Huaisang on a date and Huaisang says yes so maybe it’s not so bad, maybe it’s all just fine. And it doesn’t matter anyway because it’s only going to be once.
*****
Before
Jin Zixuan tells Jiang Cheng calmly that he needs to sort his shit out. Jiang Cheng scoffs in the passenger seat of Zixuan’s car. Zixuan yells that Yanli is hurting too.
“Fuck off,” is what Jiang tells his brother-in-law “Let me go.” He didn’t realise you could lock the front doors of a car from the inside too.
Beside him Jin Zixuan isn’t very impressed.
“You’d love that, wouldn’t you?” Jin Zixuan sneers, “leave Yanli all alone, the last of her family fucked off.” Jin Zixuan sighs and shakes his head, “Grow up. And be there for someone.”
Jiang Cheng tells Zixuan to pull over before he ralphs all over the car.
And- you know what? Jin Zixuan dies about a month and a half later anyway, so who’s leaving who fucking hypocrite- fucking-
*****
In between
“So that movie was fucking shit,” Huaisang laughs on their date, but he- Jiang Cheng doesn’t know. He looks at Huaisang’s hand. He’s not wearing the docs today.
Jiang Cheng thought the movie was alright, nothing special but-
Well he’d only picked it- well-
“Wanna go get a drink?” Nie Huaisang draws Jiang Cheng out of his thoughts.
“It’s-“ Jiang Cheng checks his watch to confirm- “It’s barely gone noon,” he says aghast. Nie Huaisang doesn’t look bothered, he shrugs.
“Perfect time for a bottomless brunch then. Genius invention that.”
Nie Huaisang looks delicate. No. Huaisang looks fragile? He looks- he looks like glass. The cracks ghosting out like spiderwebs. Jiang Cheng kind of wants to say no, he thinks he should be saying no and he thinks he should be asking what last night was all about anyway and-
But Jiang Cheng is ultimately a coward. And he can see Huaisang drifting away from him as they speak so-
So he agrees. All his plans of a walk under some trees floating away.
Huaisang drinks and the fragility disappears. The smiles grow wider. Huaisang leans into Jiang Cheng’s shoulder. And it’s nice. It’s-
“Why did we ever stop talking?” Huaisang asks him, head flopping onto Jiang Cheng’s shoulder. Jiang Cheng could shrug except he can’t shrug because that would dislodge Huaisang. He could say “I don’t know” except that would be a lie. And he could try to explain why but that would-
Jiang Cheng does nothing.
*****
In between
Nie Huaisang’s sitting at Jiang Cheng’s kitchen table, it looks like he’s staring at the wall, but it’s also kind of obvious that Jiang Cheng’s kitchen wall is not whatever it is that Nie Huaisang is seeing.
Jiang Cheng isn’t known for his patience, but when a man he hasn’t spoken to for… for coming up to half a decade arrives at your flat in the middle of the night… Jiang Cheng is itching, but he waits.
“How did you-“ Nie Huaisang forms his mouth around the words slowly, Jiang Cheng settles a little more in his seat, watches Nie Huaisang shake his head and drag his eyes down to the tabletop.
“You seem like you managed when Yanli died.” The “and I didn’t when Mingjue died” goes very unsaid, but Jiang Cheng hears it all the same.
Even hears it over the blood rushing in his ears.
“Well, I-“ scrunches up his fingers, “I guess I had someone to- it wasn’t- it wasn’t supposed to happen then- we all knew that. So I could-“ Jiang Cheng forces himself to continue. “I could-“ He can’t say it so he marches on with a question instead, “Why are you asking anyway?!”
Nie Huaisang bangs his head back against the chair. Jiang Cheng watches warily, he’s still not sure why Huaisang had shown up at his apartment out of the blue.
“Does any of that actually fucking help?” Huaisang sounds like he’s going to cry. He sounds like he’s going to cry and desperately trying not to- and that is out of character for Huaisang. “Knowing it’s someone’s fault- does it fucking- does it really fucking help?” Huaisang’s tone has turned venomous, “Doesn’t it make it worse?”
Slowly, slowly. Jiang Cheng puts his hand on the table. He closes his eyes to try and argue with- but it means he sees- so he opens them again. He flexes his fingers and focuses on that instead.
“I-“ and he takes a deep breath to push the rest of the words out of his mouth but they get stuck somewhere in his chest. He can feel it tightening around them and-
“Is that why you didn’t give him a funeral?” Huaisang asks. And-
“Shut up.” The words are out of Jiang Cheng’s mouth and he’s out of his chair before he can even process any of it.
Huaisang blinks up, mouth gaping. Jiang Cheng should say he looks like he’s been slapped- except- well-
Huaisang looks like he’s been shocked.
“You still love him.” Huaisang half gasps the words out. It sounds like he runs out of breath half way through. “You still love him- oh god. Where’s the hope for me? Where’s the-“
Huaisang is still rambling but Jiang Cheng is tuning him out. He does all that focus on where you are crap before he snaps and hits something- or worse- cr- worse. He focuses on the feeling of his nails digging into his palms and not on Huaisang and he’s walking away and-
There’s a hand on his shoulder. He turns around and it’s Huaisang.
Of course it’s Huaisang- who else would it be- who-
“I can’t do this, A-Cheng.”
Jiang Cheng is too numb to play his role and ask what.
*****
In between
They actually do go on a walk, after. The drinking- after. Huaisang says he needs to walk it off to sober up. So they do go on a walk. It’s under the trees, and Huaisang even grabs his hand. To slow him down, because-
“Walking’s good,” Nie Huaisang says out of nowhere. Jiang Cheng laughs. It’s almost like Jiang Cheng never called him a cunt (and so much fucking more) while he was in the hospital with a dead brother.
Jiang Cheng tries not to think about that.
“You remember when we were kids, and you’d come to visit?” Huaisang breaks him out of his musing again.
“Yeah,” Jiang Cheng admits. Doesn’t admit he’s maybe been thinking about it a lot this past night.
“Those were always my favourite times of the year,” Huaisang admits. Jiang Cheng grins. Then fights it down. It’s- it’s just one date. And Huaisang-
Jiang Cheng called him a cunt while he was hospitalized and his brother had just died. And Huaisang hadn’t talked to him for years and-
And Jiang Cheng still doesn’t know what happened the night before. What it was about he means, he knows what happened. He does. Mostly.
But-
But Jiang Cheng has always been damn good at denial. Or maybe this is forgiveness. Or-
*****
After
Jin Ling is fourteen and Jiang Cheng is taking him shopping for school supplies. Jiang Cheng hasn’t thought about green laces in years and he’s not thinking about anybody now while Jin Ling awkwardly shuffles around the shop trying on new pairs of shoes for school. He’s growing up like a weed, Jiang Cheng thinks fondly. And then with a lump in his chest because it shouldn’t be him watching his nephew grow into a man. It shouldn’t be Jiang Cheng shopping for school supplies- but it is.
Jiang Cheng pays for the shoes on autopilot and gives Jin Ling some cash with the instruction to buy himself some lunch. Jiang Cheng takes off- anywhere else and anywhere alone. His hands are red by the time- well, time enough to stop washing them.
Jin Ling is yelling and it’s the worst thing- except then.
Jiang Cheng sees them. And he knows and he doesn’t know how but he- he knows. Jin Ling thinks it’s his uncle, and he’s not wrong but he’s wrong about who and-
And he doesn’t know why Huaisang still won’t talk but he knows-
As in Huaisang knows and Jiang Cheng. He can’t. He can not. He needs.
It’s gone midnight by the time he decides fuck it and calls.
*****
In between
“How do you live with it?” Huaisang murmurs in Jiang Cheng’s kitchen, still drifting closer to Jiang Cheng. Jiang Cheng opens his mouth to explain that he doesn’t know what Huaisang means. Except Huaisang’s hands are on his shoulders and it burns.
It-
Jiang Cheng can’t remember the last time Nie Huaisang touched him and it’s-
“For years!” Nie Huaisang exclaims, with laughter in his voice. “And we haven’t talked! It’s been years and we haven’t talked.” Huaisang laughs again and Jiang Cheng is getting worried except-
Nie Huaisang’s mouth is wet.
*****
In between
Huaisang’s hands are in Jiang Cheng’s hair, trying to prove that it’s long enough to plait while they lounge, lightly tangled, on Jiang Cheng’s couch. The couch they’d returned to and collapsed on after their walk. It isn’t... Jiang Cheng is- he’s- he’s feeling fluid. He’ll put it that way.
And that’s when his phone rings. He debates not answering it- but- no- he-
Jiang Cheng answers it. Fluidly.
“Hi,” Jin Guangyao says quickly, sounding ever so slightly harried. This bodes of a great disaster. “There’s been- well the details aren’t so important but I’m going to be out of town for the weekend and I need you to pick up Jin Ling.”
“Is he alright?” Jiang Cheng barks out, mind already furious, legs already tensing.
“Of course- no need to worry. He’s with one of my employees right now- it’s a work thing. There’s nothing wrong with Jin Ling, sorry to make you worry. He just needs to be picked up sooner rather than later.” There’s a slight pause. “I trust that will be fine?”
Which gets Jiang Cheng’s brain whirring again.
“Of course that’s fine,” he snaps, slightly insulted. He’s already looking around for his keys. He stands up to be met with Nie Huaisang looking at him with large eyes.
“I’ve got to go pick up Jin Ling,” he explains, “There’s been- I don’t know but his other uncle- Jin Guangyao-“ Jiang Cheng adds the name, because hadn’t Mingjue mentioned knowing him once? “-needs me to watch him.” He sees Nie Huaisang’s mouth start to move before he turns to grab his jacket and shoes, but he doesn’t hear any words come out.
“Call me,” Jiang Cheng beseeches with a hesitant grin, hovering at the door. “And uh,” he coughs, “Feel free to let yourself out whenever you like.” With that, he goes. And so does Nie Huaisang from his life. One more person in a long line. Again.
Because Nie Huaisang never calls. Turns out one date really did mean one date after all.