Chapter Text
Sebastian adored Ciel the second he laid eyes on him. He was such a small little boy, pink-faced with tiny hands and big blue eyes. He could barely walk when he became his own, and he was Sebastian’s whole world. Everything he did, he did for Ciel. He protected and cared for him with everything he had.
Even his job got a new meaning when Ciel came into his life. He’d been a cop for over fifteen years, and now, he was not only protecting the people of his city, he was making the world a better place for Ciel.
He was a perfect boy, the best son a father could ask for. Ciel listened to him, respected him, and was honest with him all the time. Even when he was just a little tot, he never had an attitude, never threw a tantrum if he or Rachel denied him anything. He always cleaned his room and helped with chores whenever he was asked, even did his homework on time without a complaint. When parent and teacher meetings came up in school, his teachers had nothing to criticize Ciel for. They all loved having him in their classes. He was just a little shy, and needed encouragement, hesitant to play with other children. He kept to himself; he loved reading and playing chess the most. Ciel never told him of any kids teasing him in any way.
Sebastian wouldn’t let that happen, anyway. Ciel was picked up and dropped off in his daddy’s squad car, and that was enough of a warning to any would-be bullies.
His love for him seemed to exceed most fathers, especially step-fathers marrying women with children from previous marriages. But Sebastian didn’t mind. When he started seeing Rachel while she was in the early stages of her pregnancy, Sebastian was quick to step in as a father figure. And Rachel couldn’t be happier.
Sebastian spent every moment he could with Ciel. He let Rachel rest when Ciel was just born and took care of him like he was his own son. Which… now, he was. He wanted to keep him safe and make sure he felt loved every waking second of his life. He would do anything for him.
But maybe he loved him too much.
Ciel was always on his mind, day or night, so often it almost gave him a headache. He always thought of putting him to bed and kissing him goodnight after he made his favorite meal for dinner. Picking him up from school and sitting him in his lap when they relaxed as a family in the living room for movie night or board games. Whenever Ciel would have a nightmare, like clockwork, he would crawl from his own room to sleep in his parents’ bed, either sandwiched between them or fit so perfectly in his daddy’s arms. His father’s steady heartbeat always immediately put him to sleep.
Sebastian’s eyes began to linger on the child’s body as he grew up. But he shook perverted thoughts from his mind, reminding himself of his occupation, of the illegality of his thoughts. He was a good cop. A good cop.
He began to become disinterested in laying with Rachel. She would try to seduce him on anniversaries and Valentines Day, but it never excited him like it used to. Even a few times, he couldn’t perform, but blamed it on too many beers--each time he closed his eyes, he saw Ciel beneath him. And he couldn’t stop thinking about how much better Ciel would feel. How tight he would be.
Since then, he always closed his eyes. He was supposed to be paying attention to Rachel, his wife . But he couldn’t think of anything else. Couldn’t envision anything else. He wondered if his mind, his instincts, began to shift in a bigger way than he ever could have thought. He didn’t know anything about the mind or the psychology of sexuality, but there was a feeling in him that something had changed. A change that he knew revolved around Ciel. Soon he hated having sex with Rachel. Became distant from intimacy. Some days they didn’t even kiss each other goodnight or before leaving for work for the day.
Then came a business trip, a merciful breath of air. Fate seemed to finally deal him a decent hand when his wife left for a two week long work trip to Los Angeles. It bought him time to sort out his feelings and get his head straight.
It almost pissed him off. He didn’t know what to do with the tornado in his mind. Maybe he just needed something fresh, something new, to clear his mind and realize what he had was a good thing, that he shouldn’t throw it away. And he knew this was his chance to figure it out. Perhaps he simply needed to look at men, instead, to get him excited. Maybe it was the reason for his wandering gaze on Ciel’s body. Even if the idea of no longer being attracted to Rachel made him feel strange, he couldn’t deny that feeling in his gut.
Ciel was safely tucked into his bed for the night, sleeping soundly clutching his favorite stuffed animals, his room illuminated with glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to the ceiling. Poor thing was scared of the dark.
With Ciel in bed, he had all night to do what he needed. He closed his bedroom door and sat in front of his computer. But the door bounced off its hinges instead of closing completely.
Was he seriously going to look up porn? Really? He hadn’t done such a thing since he graduated from the police academy, since before he married Rachel. But today, it seems, it was needed. His body needed some sort of release, and he knew that. So he logged onto whatever site came up first, and unbuttoned his jeans, taking his cock in hand and clicking on a video that sounded like it would interest him.
Five minutes became ten, became fifteen, clicking away from every video, the material completely useless to him. He was barely hard and not even excited. Pages and pages of things that should at least be attractive to him. He almost gave up.
But then, he knew it. He knew those big doll eyes of his little boy stared at him in confusion from a crack in the door, but the child made no move to leave, entranced by the sight. His thumb was in his mouth, sucking on it as an anchor from this strange situation, his other hand dragging his favorite blanket behind him
Stop. He needed to stop. But he was so close. He was so pent up that the mere thought of release, with the thought of Ciel in his mind, was enough to drive him crazy.
Ocean blue eyes. Pink cheeks. Slender body. Pale and delicate.
He came before he even knew it. He grit his teeth, trying his damn best to make no sound, to be silent, unassuming, for his body not to shake with just how fucking hard he came. It had been such a long time.
He didn’t have time to dwell on it, on his satisfaction, a jolt of panic shooting down his spine when he wondered if Ciel might actually know what he was doing. “Fuck,” he cursed quietly as he caught his breath. “Shit.” He shoved himself back into his jeans.
“Daddy? What’re you watching?” came the quiet voice, accompanied by the creak of a door opening further.
He wiped away any remnants of his sin on his hand and approached the boy, smiling when Ciel lifted his arms and asked to be carried. He gladly obliged. “Something for adults, baby,” he cooed, hiding his heavy breath. “Nothing for you to worry about. Why are you out of bed?” he asked, planting a sweet kiss on Ciel’s forehead.
“I wanted to come find you,” he whispered. “I had a nightmare.”
“Oh, baby, that’s terrible.” He tucked the child’s face into his neck, rubbing soothing circles into Ciel’s lower back. “Would you like me to make you some warm milk and honey to help you sleep?”
Ciel nodded, his eyes fluttering shut as he was carried into the kitchen. Sebastian always loved carrying him. He was so small, so fragile, inheriting his mother’s genes of a delicate frame. Ciel didn’t let him go, even when Sebastian clearly tried to set him down on the counter so he could have both hands to make the boy his sleep aid. Sebastian chuckled at the defiance and made it work using only one arm to make Ciel his milk. He hummed to him, a quiet song that vibrated from deep in his chest that lulled the child’s racing heart, choosing one of Ciel’s cute mugs from the cupboard--and squeezing sticky honey out of the bottle with one hand proved to be a small challenge.
Ciel took big sips of his treat as he was carried back to his bedroom and set down in his comfy bed. His daddy sat on the bed with him as he finished his milk, talking his little boy down from his scary nightmare. Sebastian always made it all better, reassuring him that he would always protect him from any monster. He wasn’t going anywhere.
He tucked the child into his sheets, his blanket up to his chin, his bunny in the crook of his arm. “Do you want to go out for breakfast in the morning?” he asked. He wanted to do something special for him, especially since he probably scarred Ciel’s mind with whatever he might have seen tonight. “Does that sound good?” Sebastian smiled and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead when the boy nodded happily. “Goodnight, baby.”
“Goodnight, daddy,” he whispered sweetly.
He took in a deep, heaving breath as he leaned against Ciel’s bedroom door. “Fuck,” he couldn’t help but curse under his breath, making a beeline to his bathroom sink, running cold water over his hands before rubbing his face with it, calming the rising heat of his skin. He couldn’t even look at himself, trying to steady his breathing, his shoulders and chest rising and falling with his anger, the disappointment in himself. .
His knuckles turned white gripping the marble countertop.
He was such a fucking idiot.
*•*•*•*•*•
In the days after, he tried burying his feelings with more work, more shifts. But with Rachel gone, he couldn’t even bear the thought of hiring some stranger to babysit his little boy. So he simply began to take him to work with him, his position in the police force hierarchy giving him enough sway to be able to take his son with him as long as he didn’t cause any distractions or interruptions. But Ciel was never an interruption. He brought his homework, his books, his movies and his handheld video games, all but camping out in his daddy’s office until they were able to go home. The secretary was absolutely infatuated with the little boy, always giving him candy and treats from her desk. Sebastian tried to dissuade her from spoiling him too much, but she insisted, all but chastising him in a motherly voice that Ciel needed sticker books and crayons to help entertain him in a boring office. Well, it was boring until he watched inmates being dragged in by his strong daddy. He loved playing with the canine officers when he got the chance-- and besides, their handlers were happy to give their partners some exercise. His favorite was a labrador retriever named Pluto.
Sebastian finally came to get him just when the sun began to disappear. His daddy walked into the office with a smile on his face, lifting the boy into his arms and kissing his forehead. “Ready to go home, angel?” he whispered.
Ciel smiled at him, curling into Sebastian’s warm neck and clutching his uniform shirt. “Mm-hmm.”
Sebastian turned off his computer and swung Ciel’s backpack over his other shoulder. He gave him another sweet kiss to his forehead before he locked the office door behind him.
One of his fellow officers called after him as they left. “See you tomorrow, daddy.”
Sebastian snickered before walking towards the garage. He tucked the boy into the back of the car, and unfortunately Ciel was used to the hard plastic seats, but he wasn’t handcuffed, like most of the folks usually in that seat. Instead of a felon kicking the partition, Ciel only giggled and made jokes about what he was being arrested for. They’d play that game until they pulled into their driveway. Sometimes Ciel would make up a story about how he robbed a bank of its treasures, or maybe stole Big Ben itself.
*•*•*•*•*•
The next night, Ciel was invited to a sleepover, and Sebastian made a plan for one more ditch effort before drawing his own conclusions. He waited until Ciel was picked up and made his move. In Rachel’s absence, he created a profile on those stupid internet hookup websites and found a man to meet up with to hopefully set his heart straight.
Tonight would go as planned, and he either knew he was actually meant to be with Rachel, or if he needed to seek other avenues of happiness. He frankly wished for the former. That, at least, would set his mind at ease that he wasn’t some depraved creature and a disgrace to his oath to the law. The freaks he arrested.
All he wanted was to prove to himself that his desires were a one-time doubt and it would all be over. He would go back to Rachel like the good husband he was, and Ciel would be nothing more than just a son he adored. They could be a normal family after this.
He had to face the fact that maybe he needed to date men, instead. Maybe that’s why he had those thoughts of Ciel. Women weren’t fulfilling anymore.
He showed up, hooked up, and prayed for the best.
And it backfired. The pit in his stomach hit a new low when he realized it didn’t help. Instead, the one night stand made his crisis even worse, the complete opposite of what he wanted. He barely was able to get off. It took too long to cum, even if his recipient was enticing. Sebastian hated himself for feeling the way he did. Ciel was the only thing he thought of now. Ever. Like the sick fuck he was.
No normal father would want to bury his head between his baby’s thighs or want to feel his tiny fingers in his hair when he taught him how adults show that they love each other.
He was right to leave for his rendezvous, to go to a different city—there was a chance that Ciel or any of his cohorts could see him. And there was a lesser chance Ciel’s feelings would be hurt. But this almost felt like cheating on his little boy. He didn’t think of Rachel, or what she might do if she found out.
He got back into his car and buried his head in his hands, trying to drown out his thoughts and sickness with the loud radio in his car. He was stupid to think this dick move would help even a little bit. One-night stands and flings were meant to be fun. He hated every second of it. But it was all for Ciel. He wanted to protect his little boy from himself and his sick urges.
He just needed to hear his voice. He couldn’t think clearly.
And he was suddenly very, very happy he let Ciel have his own phone. Rachel tried to protest that he needed to be older to have such a thing, but Sebastian convinced her so he didn’t have to rely on somebody else to keep in contact with his little boy. No median of parents or teachers, or even the principal, calling on his behalf. He needed to reach Ciel directly. Even though he was trained for patience, for tolerance, for his job, his status as a father made it all the more important to be able to reach Ciel whenever he needed to.
Besides, it was amusing to hear how jealous the other kids were about Ciel having his own cell phone at such a young age.
“Hi, daddy!” Ciel answered, his voice as chipper as could be after just two rings.
Sebastian pulled off the happiest voice he was able to at that moment. “Are you having fun, angel?” he asked.
“Yeah,” he said. “We just finished playing Mario Kart.”
“Did you win?”
“Duh!” the boy laughed into the phone. “Alois is really bad at it.”
Sebastian could hear Alois’ protests in the background that his little brother was actually the worst at the game. It made him chuckle, so glad Ciel was hanging out with his friends and far away from the storm brewing in his father’s mind, and Rachel was a six hour plane ride away.
*•*•*•*•*•
Then she was gone. The doctors were just as shocked as Sebastian was. A sudden heart condition, they say, unsure even where it even came from. As far as they knew, it was never in the family history. It was only a matter of weeks, and it was over.
He almost expected Ciel to act out after, like many children do after such a heavy loss, unsure how to express their emotions. But Ciel was always his perfect little boy, even if he was heartbroken and confused. He didn’t cause any trouble. He and his daddy found solace in each other, closer than ever. They were nearly attached at the hip now.
Maybe Sebastian didn’t miss her as much as he should have. He would take his secret rendezvous to his grave, and he was glad for it. He almost felt relieved. While they kept up some important family pictures, they took down most decorations Rachel had put up. He even got rid of his mattress in the master bedroom, along with the sheets and comforter, the pillows and pillowcases. He didn’t like the memories he had in this bed anymore. Remnants of Rachel’s memory in his bedroom were removed, and lastly packed her clothes away to send to her sister later. He didn’t feel much pain or mourning as he did so.
He took Ciel shopping after they cleaned out the house to spend some time together and get their mind off things. He was up to his head in work, in memorial planning, and Ciel even had a big school project due the same week. So they did their best to ignore the world on their shoulders for just a few hours. Sebastian let Ciel pick the new bedding for his room—he landed on a pretty black and grey comforter with a subtle pattern going down the side. After, he got Ciel some more school clothes to replace the jeans that he was outgrowing. And they just had to stop for ice cream before leaving the mall. Ciel’s favorite flavor was moose tracks, and he always begged to have sprinkles on top all in a big waffle cone. Sebastian always doubted he could eat the whole thing, and Ciel always proved him wrong.
They went back home with shopping bags in hand, Ciel being a good boy and helping his daddy bring the bags in and set them on the table, immediately setting to work taking the tags off his clothes to throw into the laundry so he could wear them to school the next day.
*•*•*•*•*•
Rachel’s absence was beginning to take a toll on him, but not in the way most people would assume a widower felt. Now there wasn’t anything stopping him from acting on his darkest wishes. It was getting harder and harder to deal with the more time went on. On, and on, until he felt like some beast masquerading as a father. He couldn’t even escape his feelings while he slept—he always dreamt of Ciel, whether it be an innocent day spending time together, or laying him out and doing what he longed to. Evil things. But he was so young. He was his son.
Ciel still slept with him every time he had a nightmare, which was at least twice a week. It was like dangling a piece of meat in front of a starving lion. Ciel’s legs tangled with his own and they fit together like perfect puzzle pieces.
Tonight was like any other night. Sebastian’s bedroom door opened with a gentle creak, and he immediately made room for Ciel, who didn’t even need much room to begin with. The bed was oversized for the two of them.
He breathed a sigh into Ciel’s soft hair as his boy curled into him, tucked into the nice comforter the boy helped pick out. He wrapped his arm around his waist, and asked quietly. “Was it a scary one tonight?”
Ciel didn't answer in the way he expected. Usually, Ciel would give him either a brief or detailed recap of his dream. He never kept anything from Sebastian, even his nightmares. “Daddy?” he whispered instead.
Sebastian hummed and kissed his head, voice low and steady, comforting. “Yes, angel?”
“Am I enough for you? Do you miss mommy?” he asked.
Sebastian’s brow furrowed. His hand moved from being wrapped around Ciel’s waist to stroking his side, turning the child over. “Why do you ask that, baby?”
Ciel looked up at him, eyes big and confused. “I saw what was on your computer…” he trailed off.
Sebastian’s stomach dropped. He didn’t want to hear the rest of what Ciel had to say. He should’ve known Ciel was smart enough to look up his browser history.
“If I do what mommy did, would it make you happy again?” The innocent question made his eyes water the second those words left his mouth. “I—” he sniffled. “I don’t think I love you in the right way—” Ciel’s breath caught in his throat. “Am I still a good boy if I want to do those things with you, daddy?”
God. Fuck. The temptation couldn’t have been stronger.
But Sebastian swallowed hard, and was quick to hush him, to dry those tears, gently wiping away the diamonds leaving streaks down his temples and into his hair. “No, baby. It’s alright,” he cooed. He kissed the child’s warm forehead and brushed his cheek. “You’re perfect. You’re my good boy."
“Promise?” the boy hiccupped.
“I promise. You don’t need to worry about me, angel.”
Ciel reached up to take his daddy’s face in his hands, and kissed him. On the lips like those men in the video did.
Sebastian pulled away with wide eyes. That heat in his face and chest started again. His pants felt tight and he felt sick to his stomach from what he wanted to do right at that moment. He was a despicable father.
His voice was strained. He was hardly able to utter a word. “Thank you, baby,” he got out.
Ciel almost pouted from Sebastian’s reaction to his kiss. Did he not want him to? Did he not want to be with him like mommy was? He wanted to cry again.
Yet it was truly the opposite. He tried to brush it off, he tried to hide his absolutely rock-hard cock from Ciel by switching their sleeping position. Sebastian pulled him closer, and whispered to him. “I love you.”
He smiled.
“Even more than mommy.”
It set his heart at ease after Ciel had noticed that his daddy had seemed off this week. He seemed a little distant, more sad than usual. Maybe if he tried what his daddy did, he would understand. Of course daddy missed mommy, they slept in the same bed for so long, and now Sebastian had to sleep alone. That made him sad to think about. If his daddy was sad, he was sad. It must be so lonely.
He’d snuck onto Sebastian’s computer and found what he’d been looking at. He watched it for a moment, head tilting to the side, almost like his eyes were stuck to it. It looked weird to see two men filmed in bed together, but like his daddy said, it was a thing for adults. Maybe he wasn’t old enough to understand yet. That night, he waited for Sebastian to tuck him into bed before exploring the strange things he had seen. He was a big boy, and he wanted to understand. Adults always kept weird secrets from kids.
In the darkness of his room, he hesitantly shuffled his pajama pants down to his knees and did the same with his underwear, staring down at his soft little cock, eyes wide and curious. He touched it with his shaking fingers, recoiling with the weird feeling that came with it. He wasn’t really sure why his daddy would want to do this.
Ciel touched it a little more, but it was almost too weird, frustration bubbling in his little chest because he didn’t understand .
The little boy huffed and pulled his shorts back up, shoving his face into his bunny.
*•*•*•*•*•
This was the first time Sebastian ever got like this. It was worse than last week. His daddy never shunned him after work—never became quiet, reserved, unable to pull himself from a strange pit in his mind only brought on by a bad case, a bad call. He almost mindlessly went about the usual ebb and flow of evening life in the house before bedtime.
Ciel watched him like a hawk the whole night, trying to pinpoint what caused his strange behavior. He tried to scare Sebastian by hiding behind the fridge door while he retrieved a beer, hoping to make him jump. But Sebastian only reached a hand out and ruffled his hair. “Do you need something, baby?” he asked, bending down to press a kiss to the boy’s forehead.
Ciel looked up at him with defiant eyes. “You’re sad,” he accused.
“Angel…” Sebastian gave him a deflated smile, unable to lie to him. It took a few seconds for him to speak. “Daddy doesn’t feel like himself right now. It’s alright.”
His brows furrowed, his eyes unable to hide his hurt. “But I love you… isn't that enough?”
Sebastian chuckled dryly, a gentle hand on Ciel’s back to lead him to the couch. He set his beer down and had Ciel sit next to him, brushing Ciel’s hair away from his eyes. “Sometimes my job is really hard,” he said. “But that’s why a lot of people don’t want to be police officers.”
Ciel wouldn’t have any of it. “What can I do to help, daddy? Can I make you feel better like the computer people?”
His father swallowed hard, and sighed, pulling Ciel into his lap instead, wrapping his arms around his small frame. He hoped holding his little boy would make him feel better, to quell the fire beginning to simmer in his chest. And his dick. He took in his baby’s candy scent to calm down.
“Baby… it means more than you think.” He looked down into those gorgeous eyes and held himself back from kissing him. He longed to kiss him, something more than the parental pecks they had. He bit his lip. “It’s something adults do when they love each other. Like mommies and daddies that are married.”
Ciel blinked owlishly at him. “But I love you. We love each other, right?”
Yes. Yes, they did. But he really had no idea what he was asking for. Yet he wanted it anyway. His only, selfless desire, was to make his daddy happy.
“We do, baby… but—”
“I wanna help!” Ciel urged. “I don’t like it when you’re sad!” He began to shake, sniffing quietly into his daddy’s neck. “I wanna make you feel good so you can be happy again…”
Sebastian almost groaned, Ciel’s sudden movement brushing the bulge in his pants. He sighed into his baby’s shoulder. “You’re such a good boy, angel.”
“Please?” he sobbed. “Please, daddy, can I help?”
Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut, his hands stroking up and down Ciel’s back, his hands beneath his shirt. Ciel was begging for it, begging to make him feel good. All he had to do was cave and push the boy down on his knees.
He didn’t want to be like the monsters he arrested. Disgusting creatures that prey on the innocent, the weak, the ones too young to understand what was happening… justifying their evil by declaring the child was asking for it.
But… Ciel really was. He was quite literally begging him. So he actually is asking for it.
He swallowed hard. So hard he thought he would choke. “Just…” God. Oh, my God. “Just once, baby…”
“Why?” the boy asked.
He couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t answer. So he didn’t, and Ciel had to promise. “It’s something special this once… okay?”
Ciel’s lower lip jutted into a pout, but he nodded, “Okay…”
He had to snap at some point. He should’ve known that, and could’ve done more to help restrain himself. Now he had Ciel in his lap, squirming and begging for something evil. Rachel would ever want this. But he wanted it. And Ciel clearly did, too. She would try to separate them. Those thoughts he harbored all these years came to a rearing head, his heart swelling with desire for his sweetheart. This was his chance.
They could never be normal after this.