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"Would you love me if I were a duck?"
"I would love all the ducks in the world just for you."
"And if everyone else were also transformed into ducks like me?"
"Then I would ask every duck if they've seen one with beautiful eyes and long eyelashes, so I could find my way to you, RinRin," Ryusei declared, peppering Itoshi's cheeks with kisses. Rin blushed and allowed the session of caresses to continue a little while longer, just to feel the heartbeat of his love.
That particular day, he only craved greasy, calorie-laden food to ease the heaviness in his heart. He didn't do it often, so treating himself once in his life wasn't too bad! He arrived at the table shared with his boyfriend's other strange friends and sat right beside him, placing the tray filled with chicken nuggets and a dubious-looking soda firmly on the table. That was when all eyes focused on him, making him feel uncomfortable.
"Oh, RinRin!" Shidou cheerfully extended his arm to drape it over his boyfriend's bony shoulder, drawing him closer. It was nice and pleasant, so Rin had no complaints about it. "I'm glad you're here!"
"Oh, uh, yeah?" Rin mumbled as if their relationship were so messed up that he couldn't be glad to see him after barely 24 hours. Rin just wanted to avoid the discomfort of everyone staring at them with lecherous, playful, and even proud faces. He couldn't, it was too much.
"Of course!" He kissed Rin's cheek, making a wet sound that immediately made Rin's stomach, coated in Pepto-Bismol, stop responding. It wasn't disgust; it was just anxiety building up there, as if closing his throat and preventing food from passing. "Oh..." Ryusei glanced at his tray, and Rin could see his brow furrowing. "Hey... are you sure?" He asked as if everyone could really understand what he meant.
Rin just nodded, but Ryusei kept his eyes on him throughout lunch, and just to appear a little more accommodating, Rin slipped a nugget into his pocket, perhaps to give it to a dog after their classes or just to let mold consume it. He didn't know why, but he understood that he wouldn't regret it even if hundreds of years passed.
In the end, he ended up fulfilling the first option, and in the afternoon, he was accompanied by his boyfriend to the university garden just to share the piece of fried food among the three dogs that lived there. It was considerable, and Rin only considered it as a reward from his kindness; he had no intentions of preventing them from starving.
"Hey..." He murmured. "Would you love me if I were a chicken nugget?" He asked while petting one of the dogs, feeling too foolish for asking such a thing.
Ryusei laughed cheerfully. "What kind of question is that?" He laughed again, and Rin felt the rejection approaching. "Of course, I would love you! You'd definitely be my favorite nugget..."
"Really?"
"I swear I wouldn't choose anyone else but you."
Rin was indeed complex, so Shidou had to be simple to make things easier for him.
If Rin overthought, Ryusei would explain; if Rin was in a storm, Ryusei would be the calm; if Rin's sky clouded over, Ryusei's sun would clear it away. If Rin lost the will, Ryusei would surrender with him just to accompany him. His perfect definition of love.
That particular day, he decided he wouldn't go to university for something others would consider just a whim, but when you're trying to warm the wounded heart of a wounded bird, is it really just a whim? For him, it was definitely an emergency; Rin wasn't feeling well, and the reason had been discovered exactly a year and a half ago in something that should've been a sweet date that would rot your teeth, the doctor explained, but to him, it's just a small bug in human souls, something that stings but doesn't hurt at the moment.
He knows it's going to hurt like hell when the parasite grows, he knows it's about to happen, he knows time is running out, and the bug needs to feed on Rin's heart; he understands, comprehends, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
He wished the bug would eat his heart instead of his husband's.
Rin was still in bed that morning, so Ryusei would take care of preparing breakfast for that day and selecting the medications; Rin shouldn't overexert himself, so he would be a responsible husband even though they weren't legally married yet. Rin was his, and he belonged to Rin; that transcended registry rules or Christian jurisdiction; he didn't care, and he wouldn't yield to impositions; anyway, he always had the ring kept in his pocket.
Actually, the younger Itoshi fell from the sky like a raindrop on a tired pilgrim; Ryusei tried with Sae, but he was..., too much. Fire and ice clashing constantly, and it seemed like Sae really didn't feel any sadness evaporating everything he had to offer just because Ryusei wasn't his career at Real Madrid. He won't deny it; his relationship with Rin really started as a way to regain those beautiful cyans adorned with huge eyelash crowns that only he knew who could provide. Rin was sweet, although not everyone was ready to see it; if Rin said "screw you," he would get closer; if Rin said "I want to be alone," he would be ready to listen, and if Rin asked how many worlds he would continue to love him, he would simply answer.
"In all of them, of course!"
Because he would.
Because he knows he's not lying.
Because he wants to.
Because he knows he won't fail him.
"Hey baby, time to wake up." He gently shook Rin's body with one hand while the other held a cup of jasmine tea. Rin lazily opened his eyes and used them to look at him as if he were judging the sight in front of him. "Did you sleep well, love?"
"Ah? Wh-what time is it?" Rin murmured as he placed a hand on his chest just because the air had vanished too quickly. Ryusei felt bad for that, so he just left the cup on the bedside table and rubbed Rin's back to try to alleviate the discomfort at least a little. He didn't want to bring up the topic, but both knew there was an oxygen tank waiting in the closet. "I-I'm late."
"You don't need to go today, honey," he handed him the cup, still steaming, and took his time finding a way to settle beside him without bothering him too much; Rin was too anxious, so he couldn't mess it up, or Rin would grab another bottle of Pepto-Bismol before going to bed without eating. "I've already talked to Asagiri-sensei; everything's fine."
"Is it?" Then he couldn't deny his pessimism either, because they both knew they were doomed and Ryusei was okay, he could be just so Rin still had something to hold on to. He sighed and simply left without saying a word, grabbing the breakfast tray and returning as if nothing had happened.
"Tadaa!" He raised his voice just enough to be audible but not to disturb Rin's heart. "Enjoy your day, love! Tomorrow will be a new dawn."
"You should have gone," Rin murmured, letting the sorrow he felt seep through his walls. "You didn't have to-"
"Shh, I don't want to hear you anymore," Ryusei muttered, placing a hand on his forehead just so he didn't have to place it over his heart; sensitivity was important, and he could see more cracks coming with just one movement. "Let's eat, and then you'll rest."
Rin seemed to obediently comply, only picking up a pancake from the plate along with the second cup of tea. Rin loved coffee, but they both understood he couldn't handle it, and it was one of the things that broke his heart. Rin ate in silence, and he had to admit it was nice, not just because there were no pessimistic comments about his condition, but because they were there, both of them, alive and kicking.
"Would you love me if I were a jasmine?"
"You're already my favorite flower."
Then Bachira dragged Rin's wheelchair without asking towards the nearest apple tree, while Chigiri held onto the oxygen tank cart; none of them dared to ask or say much more.
"Look at this place, Rin-chan! Isn't it beautiful?!" Bachira shouted and fluttered around the slope they were on, just like a bee happy to have found a field full of flowers. "Chigiri-kun, it's perfect!"
"It has its charm, doesn't it, Rin?" Hyoma leaned to one side to set down the cart and peacefully sit on the ground. "When you get to heaven, you'll have to tell us if it looks as good as this, or it won't be worth it!"
"Hey! Don't say things like that, Hyoma-kun!" Bachira whined, approaching them just to confirm that Rin's feelings remained intact. "It's rude, don't worry, Rin-kun, I'm sure he's just being silly." Rin didn't understand much, his heart hurt, but he didn't know in what way.
Hyoma simply put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a pack of dubious brand cigarettes, thinking if offering them to Rin would be a good idea, but immediately his brain rejected the thought as if it were pure shit accumulated in an adolescent brain. He lit one for himself and sighed as he watched Bachira pass a glass of orange juice to the younger one. "I'm sure you'll go to heaven, is that bad? People like you, Rin, may think they're human trash." He inhaled the smoke. "But that's just bullshit, so make sure to critique the heavenly gardens for us, idiot!" He exhaled and let out a laugh followed by a smile too big for the swirling emotions in Hyoma's muddled brain.
"Obviously, Rin-kun will go to heaven! But..., he's still here," Bachira shouted, lashing out against Hyoma while he laughed. It was inevitable, but if Chigiri could recognize a moment when Rin looked much more alive, he would definitely name that afternoon under the sunlight accompanied by the sad shade of an old apple tree, just the two of them, because it was the last time he could hear his laughter.
"Hey..." Rin murmured, still with the smile on his face, and it only grew when both turned their confused heads towards him. "Can I ask you a favor?"
"Of course, who do you take us for?" Hyoma widened his smile even more when he noticed the slight laugh in his friend. "Just spit it out, man!"
Rin's expression darkened a bit, but he still had the fullest smile Hyoma had ever seen framed there. "Please, if I ever make it to heaven," he paused to take a breath. "Don't let Ryusei follow me."
Chigiri's eyes widened while Bachira's lower lip seemed to tremble with doubt and confusion. Chigiri swallowed hard and looked away from Rin just to focus back on his cigarette. "It's a promise, but in return." He inhaled again. "You must promise that no matter what happens, you'll tell us what heaven looks like."
"Promise."
Rin left on the fifth of July at night. They were both sleeping when it became inevitable that the parasite decided that his love's heart was mature enough to be devoured; he would like to tell you it was a peaceful death, but he knows he would be lying.
It was a mess.
Rin choked on his own blood while crying out in pain and complaining that he couldn't breathe, and even though Shidou really tried, did everything he could, used everything at hand, after just 5 minutes Rin's erratic stomach stopped its course and just ceased to rise and fall to indicate he was still breathing because indeed he had stopped.
He didn't know what to do.
CPR, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, chest compressions, how much more should he give? He didn't want to be alone, he wanted help, he pleaded and cried out for someone to help him. The emergency operator was insensitive and only instructed him to cover the body, but he didn't have the strength to do so. Neighbors emerged from their slumber only to offer false compassion accompanied by a burning anger because they hadn't seen even half of the scene.
They dragged him out by force and forced him to call Sae even though, of course, he didn't answer. He yelled at them to let him go, that Rin was still waiting inside, that he must be very scared and wouldn't like to wake up without him by his side.
But what do you do when not even the jasmine tea can awaken the hidden charm of the dead? So while they covered his back with a sheet that he had no idea where it had come from, Sae arrived without asking, and that made him wonder how long he had been like that.
Was there really any chance? If he had acted faster, if the night before he had told him how much he loved him, if only...
But that didn't work because Rin didn't come back to life, and as quickly as it happened, the end came.
"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
He wasn't doing that.
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." It's what he wants the most, he swears.
Then the piano plays and Sae comes forward alone to give an already rehearsed speech, next to him, his father is tearful and uncontrollable, Ryusei knows it, they are going through the same pain.
IF there was any possibility to have taken him away and avoided suffering, would you have taken it?
*"Let us walk honestly as in the day; not in gluttony and drunkenness, not in lust and lasciviousness, not in strife and envy, but put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not provide for the lust of the flesh."
So he knows that God doesn't understand him, he knows that Rin is there with him, he is admiring the flowers and probably has a huge garden full of ducklings and jasmine, maybe they eat chicken nuggets and drink freshly brewed tea. It's so bizarre, but it was his, just the two of them.
Too much sun for the sunset, he doesn't understand why they don't get rid of him but they are idiots and Ryusei is too alone. God does not forgive suicides, but does that matter? The noose around his neck doesn't say the same and he feels that she understands him better than ever.
Two months have passed.
2 months and 1 day until they meet again.
2 months and 25 hours until they find the second body.
2 months and 50 hours when the father repeats the same words he wrote for his funeral.
2 months and 60 hours when everyone understands that they have met again.
2 months and 100 hours when Ryusei once again delights in the stoic laughter of the love of his life.