Chapter Text
Another day had passed as well as a successful game with the Arsenal crest on her chest. It was always an honour to play in front of a crowd and recognising the chants while doing her first step onto the field would always give her chills. Especially after Lia’s ankle injury at the end of last season. However, after everything she went through, her excitement was accompanied by another kind of tension. Even after a impressive 6:0 win against Reading, she felt some relief hearing the final whistle. For anyone outside the pitch, her life appeared perfect, she had her dream job, the best team and wonderful friends on her side. But that was ‘only’ her job, her personal life was another matter.
Despite breaking up with Caitlin in the prior year, they were still friends, as they had parted on good terms. Seeing her falling for Katie on the other hand did sting. She always had felt like a second choice, even in her previous relationship. She was never the one to be chosen for the long run and seeing this right in front of her hurt more than she could have imagined.
Having her beloved family and best friends scattered all over Europe did not help either. Despite being surrounded by awesome people, in the middle of the night, the quiet moments in her room, loneliness clung onto the Swiss player and held her captive in her thoughts.
She never would complain, she tried to embrace the opportunities life had thrown at her and to look for the positives even in defeat. But to get to the top of the iceberg, she was falling in love with none other than Leah Williamson. The woman who had not been in a relationship ever since her and Jordan Nobbs had broken up. She had not shown interest or even had a hook-up for what seemed like eternity. So Lia asked herself numerous times, why fall for someone emotionally available if this was so much more… complex?! After being a guest in the Mead-Miedema household for a while, guess who tore her ACL and invited her into her cosy home? Exactly, Leah. She sometimes wondered if she would have declined her teammates’ offer if she could have foreseen how the situation evolved in the last 10 months, but probably not… At this point, Lia knew she was digging her own grave. She only hoped someone would leave flowers.
Everything led to old habits creeping up. She knew better than to completely starve her body but it was like she was back in her junior years, skipping breakfast and afternoon tea and minimising her portion size. Relying on coffee to get through the day and a light lunch to spark her energy before afternoon sessions. The more time she did spent on things like studying or putting in extra shifts in the gym, the less time she had freaking out over her life. Game days resembled some form of exemption, as she would prepare breakfast for herself and Leah. Struggling to be honest with herself and facing her problems head-on, changes became visible at this point. The silent battle in her head left her body scared.
The midfielder was proud of Leahs return. She had been there for each step of the recovery and experienced the many ups and downs. The doctor appointments, the first step with and without crutches, the tears of grief of what could have been… The injury itself as well as the timing had been devastating. So when the blonde Lioness had stepped onto the field and delivered a performance to be remembered - including a freaking assist- Lia’s heart was pounding extra hard. After the huddle and an extra hug for Leah and Beth, the good mood did not stay though. The midfielder spent much time with the fans and was one of the last girls to walk into the locker room. She kept her shower as short as possible to avoid any unnecessary glances. Nothing would beat the comfy tracksuit for the bus ride. The Swiss gathered up everything and walked onto the bus. She guessed that the general mood would have been good, but that was a understanding. Inside Katie had happily handed over the DJ job to their number 6 and a few of the girls were standing in the back of the ail singing, dancing and celebrating. Lia found herself in the front of the bus. She loved the girls, but right now, she was looking forward to some down time, as she put on her headphones.
“Hey, Wally. You did good out there today.” Jen had sat next down to the slightly surprised Lia. “That one cross was neat. It still sucks it didn’t end up in the net. But honestly, great game.”
“Thank you Jen, I appreciate it, but I made a few unnecessary mistake. But you know, you were fabulous out there.” The taller women shoved her slightly. “Can you for once take a compliment, Ms. Wälti?! Don’t underestimate yourself. You wanna join our celebratory party in the back?”
Lia knew she could be honest with her teammate and close friend. She trusted the mellow character of Jen Beattie, who always knew the right thing to say. “Thank you, Jen. Usually I would but I’m feeling done and dusted and need to rest a bit. Sorry.”“No need to apologise, take care of yourself. And if you should feel the nick to join us, you’re always welcome.” With that Lia was on her own again. The bus ride to the Arsenal Training Center didn’t take more an hour, lucky for the midfielder. Despite trying hard, she could not close her eyes for a single moment. Arsenal’s number 13 gathered her belongings and stepped out of the bus. She waved everyone goodbye while walking up to Leah’s car. Herself and the younger one had split driving duties and Leah had been thrilled to drive them today. Lia felt her muscles clinch with each and every step. She would need a bath and her massage gun for her thighs before going to bed. The midfielder placed her bag on the backseat and slid into the passenger seat.
“Congratulations on the game, by the way. I loved your defensive dynamics, it kept my job pretty simple.”
Lia was already on the edge of zoning out. Yet, the compliment from her friend and teammate didn’t go unnoticed.
“Thank you, but with you back on the pitch, we have no other choice than to give our best. No excuses left.” A tentative smile had found its way on Lia’s face.
“Beth and Steph wanted to try a new bar in the neighbourhood. They asked if we wanted to meet up with them. I wanted to ask you first and then text Beth when we get home.”
Meeting friends could potentially lift her spirits and distract her from the thoughts and feelings for the women on her right. She enjoyed Leah’s company, but spending another movie night on the couch would be agonising and coming close to torture. She needed some kind of distraction, that would probably be good for her, right?
“Sounds like a plan. Do you mind if I close my eyes? The game, you know…”
Leah turned a brief glance to her co-pilot and was met with closed eyes.
Lia had fallen asleep as soon as the car had left the parking lot. The drive was unadventurous. When the defender parked the car she took a closer look at her friend. She felt close to her. Closer than to anyone else on the team in that matter. And she did worry. The older woman had changed. She was never one of the loud, extroverted players. However, she had kept her voice subtle in the last few weeks and distanced herself from her team and friends. Lia had fallen asleep several times during their movie nights claiming the late practices or joking about becoming older. She had not joined in on any bigger party since the start of the season. And today in the bus? Leah had been missing her wide smile and sparkly eyes while they were celebrating Kim’s 300th game and her return. She had not questioned it until now. She was worried about her.
The defender gently put her hand on Lias’ arm.
“Hey, Lia. We are home.”
The brunette opened her eyes and took a deep breath. “Thank you.”
“No worries, mate.”
Lia was closing the door to her room. She needed some downtime. Throwing her bag on the floor she laid down right next to it. On her phone she scrolled through several messages like the many congratulations on another victory by her family members. Her best friend Ana had texted her a lovely message to remind her that she was proud of her and could not wait to see each other in the “Nati” camp.
While she loved reading the texts it grew the distance between her and the people she loved. How would Ana react if they met and Lia could not perform up to their standard? She was jeopardising herself and her team. She was a coward and had lost her integrity. She was so stupid. She would never be enough. Not for her team and not for Leah.
Her vision blurred as tears filled her eyes. Her sobs turned ugly. She covered her mouth with her hands, silencing herself. Afraid a single sound could leave her lips.
Lia was taken back to reality as a text from Viv reached her.
“See you later, at the Abbey? Meeting at 6:30, food at 7:00.”
She needed to collect herself. Lia stripped down her clothes. Her head just wouldn’t stop running the same thoughts over and over. Especially thinking about going out made her sick to her stomach. Everyone would be excited about the victory and she barely had any strength left to keep her walls up. The best she could do right now was to calm her mind in a soothing bath.
She could not ignore her mirror at that point. She needed to analyse the damage. She saw how things had turned out. Her eyes and cheeks were puffy from the tears spilt. Though her body was still athletic, she looked fragile. Her limbs were a tad too slim and her stomach too lean. Her collarbones stuck out sharp and the outline of a her ribs were visible without pulling her stomach in. She did look worn out. The game had left a few bruises over her body which already changing into some nasty colours, especially around her hip. Something had to change soon, but not tonight. She just hadn’t enough strength left.
The woman slipped into the tub. In the embrace of the hot water, she could sprawl out and breathe. The weight of the world lifted off her shoulders if just for a moment. The voices in her head grew quiet but didn’t stop. She couldn’t follow one single clear thought. Frustration was building up quick. She let herself down. Drowning the voices just for a moment was worth the shot. She needed some silence. A few moments later, it could not have been too long, she heard a distinctive voice and shortly after that, she was pulled out of the water.
Leah had splayed out several different outfit options on her bed. She knew that the evening would be more on the casual side, yet she wanted to look decent.
She checked the time. They should get going soon or they would be late, however her room mate was nowhere to be seen. Leah checked the kitchen and living room. “Lia?” No answer, the only place left was her room or her bath. She knocked on her roommate’s door and walked inside. No Lia in sight. Like her, she had arranged some clothes on her bed. She liked the outfit choice and knew that it would suit her friend. She stepped closer to the bathroom door, still shut and no water running.
“Lia, are you ready?” The blonde’s knocked. “We should leave soon. Are you in there? Is everything alright?” Anxiety creeped up her spine and her knocks became stronger “I am coming in, alright? If you are naked it ain’t my problem?!” Leah opened the door, only to find her friend’s head underwater in the tub. Taking two long steps, she kneeled next to he bath and grabbed Lias Arm, pulling her out. The older woman caught her breath while she switched one of her hands to the midfielders back.
“Leah! What the hell are you doing? You can’t simply run in someone’s bathroom without knocking.” Lia tried covering herself up by pulling her knees to her chest and crossing her arms over them.
“God, Lia, I was knocking obnoxiously and got worried. What have you been doing?” Leah asked as she was grabbing the towel placed on the sink.
“I was just taking a bath. I did exhaust myself on the field, my thighs were burning and I just wanted to get a minute for myself. I wanted to get ready for the night.”
Leah wasn’t quite sure. Something was off, but now did not seem the time to talk to the Swiss ,“Yeah, alright. Well, the water is freezing cold, you should get out of this or you will catch a cold!” The younger one held the towel open for the Swiss.
“You know I am old enough to dry myself up. Besides, if you would like to watch, you could-”
“Woman - I will watch the ceiling, but please get out.” She argued and turned her whole head up. Lia didn’t want to fight. The situation was too much for the woman and a bit of anxiety bubbled in her tummy as she slowly rose. Her teammate wrapped Lia safely up and helped her out of the tub holding her hand. “What were you thinking, girl? You are freezing.” She stated, as she urged the older one to get out of the bath and guided her out of the bathroom onto the bed.
“I wasn’t. I just wanted to relax and get some time for myself.”
“So that’s the reason for nearly drowning yourself?” Leah tried to keep her voice low and steady. She wanted to understand the crazy situation. She crouched down before the midfielder and placed her hand on Lia’s thigh, which send both women shivers down their spine.
“I was not drowning myself.” Only my mind.
“Okay. I am not gonna argue with you right now.. But please, if you ever need someone - I am here.” Without any hesitation, Leah placed a gentle kiss on Lia’s head and pulled her into a hug.
“When do we need to leave?”
“In about 5 minutes.”
“What? Fuck, we will be late.”
“Don’t worry. If someone asks you, I was working out my wardrobe.”
“That’s usually the reason.” The Swiss giggled.
“Whatever. You should get dressed or the others will definitely question us. I will change my top and meet you downstairs.” The life guarding action had trenched Leah’s sweater, so she actually needed to make some adjustments to her wardrobe.
Leah left the room and as soon as the door was closed Lia threw herself back on her bed. Hiding behind her palms, she scrunched her face up in confusion. What had just happened? Fuck. Did Leah think that she tried to kill herself? That was not the case. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Just the fact Leah knew something was up, made Lias’ anxiety rise through the roof. She did not need anyone to find out, she struggled. Not a friend, not a teammate and certainly not Leah. And that gentle kiss on her head, like what? Butterflies teamed up with the bubbling anxiety in her stomach. What a great combination.
She stood up and let the towel fall around her ankles. She had picked a simple white Calvin Klein thong and a fitting laced bralette. And just as she had slipped her beige pants over her hip Leah opened the door.
“You done, mate? I would appreciate it if we were not the last. I ordered an Uber.”
“You know, knocking is an option?”
“Yeah, sorry. Next time for sure. I know something-.” It was obvious that she was worried about her friend. She didn’t want to cross a personal boundary. Maybe tonight was not the time for more serious conversations, so she switched the topic. “This outfit suits you. Is that top new?” Smooth was something else, Leah mentally slapped herself.
“I don’t think so. I just don’t wear this sweater too often.” The brunette pulled the simple blue hoodie over her head as fast as possible and grabbed her purse.
“I am ready. How ‘bout you?” The lioness could only nod before Lia stuck her tongue out. She then took Leah’s hand to and pulled her downstairs. A tingly sensation filling both their bodys and their souls.