Chapter Text
soonyoung can still remember the scent of it all. the feel. the taste. the overbearing humidity of the room, the small cracks in the walls he and dokyeom used to trace with the tips of their fingers- giggling to each other while gossiping about celebrities or girls. you know, typical things children would do. he can remember the intensity of it all, waking up at five am every day, practicing from sunrise to sunfall, the small meals he was granted in-between hours of exertion, the twin-sized bed he was forced to share with seungcheol. he can even remember the strain the vivid green walls would have on his eyes. the way his pupils would dilate when the lights would turn on unexpectedly and the room would illuminate, as if it was going to burn his eyeballs right out of their sockets.
soonyoung can remember the feeling of nausea he would get every morning leading up to their debut, the filming of their first music video, the sudden inability to breathe right before their first performance. he can remember the sting in his brain, the voice telling him over and over again this was it. this was as good as it was going to get. the feeling that his lunch was about to come hurling right out of his throat- the feel of the toilet seat as his fingers curled around it, clawing for leverage as he crouched down- and he can still remember he sound of the door to the bathroom creaking open, footsteps shuffling, and the sound of small taps at the stall door.
soonyoung can still remember the small sound of jihoon’s voice, hints of concern edged into every word unsaid- every pause jihoon took before he whispered gently, as if he were considering the right words to soothe a frightened animal,
shaking the handle of the stall. “soonyoung, are you okay?”
they were some of the first words jihoon had spoken to him since they met, it’s why soonyoung remembers it so well. at least, that’s what he chalks it up to. he knows for certain it's the first time jihoon has showed any real worry over him, he even thinks it’s the first time he's seen jihoon express concern over anyone, really.
it was sort of unspoken from amongst the trainees that jihoon was different. he was quiet, and fidgety. not fidgety in the way you would expect one to fidget. he didn’t rock back and forth, didn’t do it to soothe himself. no, he just would look down at his jeans. avoid the others, mumble a few words back in conversation whenever he was forced to meet their gazes- to talk to them, and he would look back down, break the gaze as quick as he were allowed, mess with the hem of his jeans or tear at the rips in them.
soonyoung remembers well jihoon hanging off of seungcheol. as if he was scared to stray too far, all the while never really speaking to him much either. to be honest, soonyoung doesn't really think he noticed jihoon much in those years. if he rattles his brain enough, he can dig up small flashes of memory- gentle moments of jihoon seated awkwardly beside seungcheol, only nodding as he spoke- never really having much to speak about himself, or maybe just never caring to speak. seungcheol never seemed to mind jihoon’s silence, at least, he never said anything about it. he always saved jihoon a seat next to him when the trainees would gather for meetings or discussions, would always pull out a chair for him and gently pat the worn-down cushion, not caring if they didnt speak. the two just seemed to soak in one another’s company, not caring what came of it.
soonyoung didn't really understand it.
soonyoung didn’t really understand jihoon.
he was glued to seungcheol’s side, yet never much cared to speak to him. not even to ask him of his day. so really, soonyoung didn't pay him much mind.
that’s why, soonyoung figures, his face heats up- he’s red at the sound of jihoon’s quiet voice asking him if hes alright, unsure if he’s ever really heard his voice this clear before. he’s quite honestly surprised jihoon remembered his name. the only times soonyoung has ever really went out of his way to share a space with jihoon was the short minutes or, if it was a bad day, hours in the small cramped closet the company liked to call a studio. if soonyoung remembered anything clearly of jihoon from then, it was that he loved that humid closet. when he wasn't with seungcheol, he was in the small studio. weaseled comfortably away, isolated and far away from the world. his world wasn't here on earth, his world wasn’t here with the trainees. it was with the equipment and lyrics he had jotted down onto crumbled half-sheets of paper in his closet.
soonyoung can vaguely remember going in and out of this studio sometimes during the production of their debut, can remember jihoon quietly and awkwardly directing him- shying his eyes away or folding his hands behind his back, head hanging low. for the most part, jihoon seemed to let soonyoung really do his own thing anyways. didn’t care what he did as long as he stuck to the lyrics.
whatever you feel is right, he would say- so quiet soonyoung would almost think he’s imagining it. soonyoung finds it strange now. years later, jeonghan would tell him how strict and heavy handed jihoon was with him and chan during their trainee years. how harshly he conducted and led them during production. soonyoung thought it odd of course, jihoon only ever even told him to redo a take once or twice. he didn’t mention it though, he thought it would be strange. inappropriate he supposed. he considered asking jihoon about it a few times, but he never really got to it. figured it would be pointless all those years later.
“soonyoung?” jihoon calls again, a bit louder this time. his voice is shaky- as if he’s unsure himself if he should be speaking to him or not. he figures for a moment if maybe he should just leave soonyoung to himself, allow him to calm himself. he’s about to give up and turn away, walk out of the bathroom when he hears the shuffling of footsteps, and the stall door opens.
“im alright, jihoon-ah.” soonyoung’s voice cracks, his face still red as he makes eye contact with the boy that he realizes he's lived with for almost two years, the boy he’s seen every day of his life for the past two years, yet, the boy he’s never went out of his way to even speak to. he feels suddenly guilty, as if he’s been neglecting the care of a small cat. soonyoung cant figure why, exactly. maybe it’s the look in jihoon’s wide eyes, or the way his small body trembles just slightly. as if his own mental is indecisive on whether or not to be anxious.
“i just- a lot of emotions, you know…? our first stage.” soonyoung attempts cracking a smile, reaching a hand out- but jihoon flinches slightly, and soonyoung quickly retreats, opening his mouth to apologize, but he’s cut off by the younger before he can start.
“yeah, yeah i just. yeah. that’s why im here too.” jihoon averts his gaze, kicking idly at the ground. of course, there’s nothing to kick at. it’s more of a self soothing motion. it hits soonyoung then, and suddenly, he feels like the smallest boy in the world.
“you were scared shitless too, then?” soonyoung’s face lights up, and jihoon giggles sheepishly.
it’s been a while since those years, soonyoung thinks as his fingers trace the outline of jihoon’s hips cautiously, watching his sleeping form, studying him. he’s gentle. it’s always gentle with jihoon, even the way soonyoung looks at him feels gentle. the way he watches his lips part, small, subtle snores wracking his body as the ends of his hair loosely fall into his closed eyes. jihoon must be due for a haircut soon, he figures as he pulls the boy closer, haphazardly lifting his head to glance around the studio. theyre nestled together onto an old couch, one of jihoon’s legs thrown over soonyoung’s lap- soonyoung’s fingers gently massaging the muscle of jihoon’s inner thigh.
he knows how they ended up like this, he spares a glance to the corner of the studio- soonyoung’s shirt thrown over one of the chairs. he knows how they always end up like this. soonyoung burying himself inside of jihoon, teasing him as fingers dug into his back- high-pitched cries. begging. soonyoung’s face flashes red at the memory, and it takes everything in his power to fight off the familiar thoughts of how jihoon feels, knowing he’ll work himself up fast again if he entertains it for too long.
soonyoung knows how it started, where it started too. how could he forget?
soonyoung reminisces, the hand he was resting on jihoon’s hip trailing upwards now- eventually settling in his hair, rubbing small pieces of his locks in-between his fingertips, chuckling softly as he smoothes down a cowlick near the back of jihoon’s scalp. jihoon stirs at this, his eyelids only half opening, his lips still parted. he’s not fully conscious, but he has half a mind to groan and bat soonyoung’s hand away from his hair.
soonyoung smirks, shifting his position so he's pressing jihoon down into the couch in a playful manner, he straddles his hips and keeps his hands pushed down onto his chest. he has him pinned, and doesn’t allow him much room to move. jihoon simply groans, he learned long ago hed rather just let soonyoung have his fun. it’s not like he minds anyways. “hmph?” he growls absentmindedly, raising an arm to try and swat soonyoung away as he leans his head down to nip at jihoon’s shoulder.
“just thinking,” he purrs, settling back on his ankles- allowing jihoon to squirm out from under him. soonyoung gives him a few more moments, watches as jihoon sits up and curls into soonyoung’s side. “just thinking,” he repeats, this time a sigh.
soonyoung thinks back to their debut years. at some point, things changed between the two of them. he’s not sure exactly when, his memory of it all fuzzy. he glances back down at jihoon, snaking his hand down his leg and wrapping it around the inner of jihoon’s thigh. he doesn’t meet any resistance, and he smiles. “no fight left in you?” he teases, and jihoon huffs.
“shut up.”
it's funny to soonyoung. when he thinks about jihoon now, when he thinks about how he used to be. he doesn’t know when the shift happened. or maybe there never was a shift, maybe soonyoung just started to understand him better. jihoon is still quiet, but he’s not so shy. in fact, he has a bit of an ego on him now. it makes soonyoung happy, to see jihoon happy. to see him proud of himself, proud of his work. his music.
soonyoung wonders now, if jihoon’s world is still just his music, his lyrics. he thinks hopefully, maybe he’s a part of that too. he knows better though, knows better than to give himself that much hope. that’s what he tells himself anyways.
at some point during their years together, soonyoung thinks he remembers it as being near the peak of their debut, jihoon started to integrate himself more. with seungcheol’s encouragement, he came out of that humid closet more, attended more gatherings. spoke more. jihoon was still sheepish, but he was at least beginning to belong.
soonyoung remembers one particular night, the older members, seungcheol, jeonghan, and jisoo were gone. likely for some schedule. he can’t remember the details all that clear, but he remembers hansol had gotten his hands onto some foreign, american beer. soonyoung knew better back then, he was one of the elder members. he should’ve stopped them, at the least, shouldn’t have indulged.
but well, quite honestly, he was still a kid too, and he was curious himself.
the most of them had gathered in the dormitory’s common area, by now, word had gotten out to the whole group. hansol had originally told only chan and seungkwan, soonyoung remembers dokyeom whispering the details of it to him the night before, warning him not to tell a soul, but as you would expect, word traveled fast. soonyoung ended up stumbling into jihoon’s room at some point after, his body smelling like beer so potently and his legs so wobbly he thought he might fall over standing up. it's quite embarrassing to look back at now, soonyoung thinks. he had never really been drunk before, and in his haze he ended up rolling over on top of jihoon’s body, squashing him. soonyoung remembers he had thought jihoon’s bed was his own, thought he was in his own room.
jihoon let out a startled mewl under him, squirming out from underneath him- his nose scrunching up, first in confusion, and then in disgust as soonyoung’s breath- reeking of beer, hits his face. all at once, the gravity of the situation seemed to register in jihoon’s brain. “christ.” he remembers jihoon hissing through his teeth, kicking soonyoung off of him- not in a harsh manner, but hard enough for soonyoung to scramble a few paces backwards on the bed.
“sorry,” soonyoung laughs like an idiot, his face is stricken red- either from the alcohol or embarrassment, maybe both, soonyoung isn't sure on which. he can however, faintly remember attempting to stand, swaying awkwardly until jihoon’s arm reached out, his hand hooking onto the back of his shirt, pulling him back down roughly onto the bed. soonyoung remembers himself laughing again, what he found so funny exactly- is what’s lost on him.
“stop that,” jihoon groans impatiently, holding soonyoung down. “you’re going to hurt yourself.”
in the year following their debut, as jihoon began to integrate himself, soonyoung came to know jihoon as a very matter-of-fact person. there wasn't a point in arguing with him, mostly because he simply wouldn't. it was infuriating to some, trying to prove a point to jihoon. it's not that he was stubborn or righteous, he just didn’t spare the energy. jihoon was quick to concede, he didn’t see a point in arguing. at some point, soonyoung would have this conversation with him. he would ask him why he would never rebuttal, never have anything to say. why he would always shrug it off and nod. why he never stood his ground. there's no point, jihoon would answer. if someone wants to argue with you, it’s because they’re so set in their opinion. they won't change their opinion, they don't want to. they just want you to change yours.
that’s why, soonyoung remembers himself, even in his drunken state- feeling so confused as to why jihoon wouldn’t concede, and just let him leave his room.
“ill be fine!” soonyoung laughs, his words slurring as he attempts to stand again- of course, to no avail and to the annoyance of jihoon who huffs in response, dragging him back down onto the mattress. “no you won't, do you even know how you ended up here?” jihoon responds, his eyes widening as soonyoung turns their position, crawling on top of him and snaking his arms around his waist, pushing jihoon’s smaller body onto the mattress with his knees. “well duh, i walked here.” he laughs like it's the funniest thing in the world, too intoxicated to notice the flush on jihoon’s face.
“what are you doing?” jihoon growls underneath him, his eyes narrowing as he claws at the sheets around him, looking for leverage to pull himself out from underneath the elder until soonyoung lowers his body against jihoon, resting his face into the crook of jihoon’s neck, making the other squirm as his warm breath tickles his sensitive skin. “i’m staying. you won't let me leave, so i'm staying.”
soonyoung remembers falling asleep shortly after, and he remembers waking up the next morning with a pain pulsating in his head so prominent that it takes a few moments to register where he is. it takes even longer for him to register the warm body in his arms, and his face goes red as he looks down to see jihoon’s unconscious form snuggled into his chest. he worries for a minute, as anyone would- until the memory of the night comes fully back to him, and he feels embarrassed. he feels even more embarrassed as he looks down at jihoon’s sleepy face and brushes hair away from his forehead, causing the other to stir. soonyoung frowns, pushing jihoon out of his arms gently and leaving the room.
he worries, panicking for almost the whole day that jihoon would tell the others. soonyoung remembers his heart beating so fast any time he would walk by one of the members that day, he believed it would either stop dead or seriously jump out of his chest. he’s restless, the imaginary scenario replaying in his brain over and over again. minghao would laugh at him, tears welling in the corners of his eyes from how funny he’d find it that soonyoung got so drunk he cuddled- no, not just cuddled. cuddled and spent the night with jihoon, wrapped around him like some animal desperate for attention.
it never comes though, and soonyoung starts to appreciate jihoon’s quiet nature that day. in a group with so many people, where gossip spreads so fast, where even the most simple mistakes become ways to tease each other, the secrecy is nice. soonyoung wonders that day, if jihoon would keep anything soonyoung tells him close to his heart and away from the others. the thought makes his own heart feel lighter, and he goes out of his way to spend more time with jihoon.
it’s not easy, jihoon doesn’t make it easy. soonyoung remembers how fast he learned that jihoon’s untalkative nature was not just a front. it wasn’t some wall he put up, as he originally figured. it was just how he was. understanding this, soonyoung thinks, was a step in itself getting closer to him.
soonyoung spends a lot of time just hanging around jihoon- crawling into his bed in the early mornings, sometimes met with protests- sometimes met with silence. one particular day, he’s greeted. it feels so sudden, soonyoung’s eyes widen and jihoon chuckles. soonyoung feels nervous, he doesn’t remember particularly why he’s so nervous- but he doesn’t want to mess up, doesn’t want to scare him back into silence like he’s some skittish animal. in fact, soonyoung spends so much time overthinking how to reply to a simple good morning, he sits unresponsive for minutes on end, his face flushed so red, you'd think he was drunk.
“what?” jihoon raises an eyebrow, he seems stunned by soonyoung’s state, and he giggles. it’s a sound so pretty to soonyoung, the tips of his ears are burning now. he’s even more red than before, and jihoon can’t stop laughing at him. he apologizes, placing a hand over his mouth to stifle the sound, but it fails. soonyoung’s eyes narrow, and his tone grows defensive. “why are you laughing like that?” he sounds a lot more cross than he means to, but jihoon doesn't seem to take offense, in fact, his laughter picks up.
“why are you so red?” jihoon retaliates. his laughter is cut off, turning into a surprised squeak as soonyoung grabs his wrist, shifting closer to him and frowning. “it’s really not all that funny.”
“right, sorry.” jihoon smiles, he seems serious for a moment, and soonyoung huffs in relief, but there’s a particular glint in jihoon’s eyes- and then, he's laughing even louder than before. soonyoung sighs, letting go of his wrist. he shifts back on the bed, pouting. in truth, soonyoung really doesn’t mind jihoon’s laughter. he knows at the least, jihoon will never tell a soul.
some years later, during preparations for a comeback, soonyoung finds himself late at work. there are times when soonyoung will find himself late at practice, and he will not be alone. at times even, soonyoung will ask one of the others to stay back to practice late into the night with him, perfecting every movement and step of their choreography, even into the morning. this was not one of those nights.
soonyoung pants, hand wrapped around a bottle of water as he stands in place, clutching the bottle and gulping down every drop until it makes a loud hiss of air, the plastic crushing underneath his hand. he groans loudly, throwing the bottle to the side and his shirt with it. he’ll pick it up later, soonyoung figures, still panting as he slides down the wall, exhausted.
soonyoung is obsessive, he knows this. just as he is obsessive, he is particular. soonyoung doesn’t know how long he’s been here, repeating the same move of his choreography over and over until he glances down at his phone, his eyes widening at the amount of missed messages. he started at 9 pm, soonyoung thinks, going through the motions in his head. his phone reads 2 am, has he really been here that long?
soonyoung huffs, flipping through the unread messages in the group’s main chat before he types a lazy apology, explaining how he lost time in trying to perfect a step he didn’t quite understand- he’s leaving the practice room now, he explains. soonyoung doubts any of them are up to read it anyways. tomorrow, there’s a schedule. soonyoung should really be asleep, he knows he’ll be tired. it’s not as though he intended to stay so late.
whatever, soonyoung thinks as he stands to pick his shirt and crushed water bottle up from the floor. it’s not as though he hasn’t grown used to it.
soonyoung looks up for a moment in the middle of collecting himself, his eyes suddenly widen as something, or someone, catches his eye and his phone- along with his shirt and crushed bottle, drop from his hands in surprise, he almost squeals, jumping backwards and biting his bottom lip so hard, he can taste blood.
jihoon is standing at the door- something is wrong, soonyoung thinks through his fear and adrenaline- something is very wrong. he doesn’t notice jihoon’s state at first, he's more concerned with the fact his sudden appearance made him think a serial killer was present, but now- his friend’s face has registered in his brain, and he feels himself worry instantaneously.
jihoon looks almost disheveled, he's panting too, his hands shaky as he grabs the edge of the doorframe, his face is red. soonyoung can’t tell if it's from the embarrassment of scaring him, or for another reason. either way, he feels a sick sense of dread twisting in his stomach, and he barely manages to stifle the urge to run up to him.
“what the hell?” soonyoung growls, and jihoon whimpers.
he fucking whimpers.
soonyoung can feel the back of his neck heating up as it’s happening, and something clicks in his brain. jihoon’s eyes are wide and clouded over. his gaze is trained on soonyoung’s abdomen, and he feels suddenly very exposed. jihoon chews on his bottom lip for a few moments before edging past the door frame, moving a few paces into the practice room and then he stops. he’s still panting. soonyoung feels his cock twitch in his sweatpants. jihoon notices.
“it’s late,” jihoon whines. fuck, he whines. he’s staring down at soonyoung’s bulge now, and soonyoung wishes for a moment some omnipotent force would come and take him off of this earth. “jihoon.” soonyoung growls again, and the former’s eye’s shoot up, his pupils are dilated now, and soonyoung doesn’t know what’s taken over him- but he’s suddenly moving closer, and he can’t stop himself.
soonyoung stops a few paces in front of jihoon, his eyes raking over the other’s body, as if he was seeing him with nothing on. jihoon squirms and shifts closer- he’s so close now, jihoon can feel soonyoung’s breath on his face. he lowers his head, averting his gaze, and soonyoung frowns, hooking his fingers under his chin and bringing his head up, forcing him to meet his eye.
“what are you doing?” soonyoung whispers, his voice is suddenly raspy, and jihoon isn’t certain that he won’t fall to his knees right now. “i was- my studio-“ jihoon takes a deep breath, he can’t collect himself, and it's off-putting. it’s vulnerable. soonyoung has never seen jihoon so uncomposed. he frowns again, drawing jihoon closer- his bulge is pressing against jihoon’s body now, he’s sure he can feel the outline of his cock against his thigh.
“it’s late.” jihoon repeats himself, this time- it comes out a weak, breathless whimper, as if he’s begging, and soonyoung is suddenly following jihoon to his studio a few rooms over. he leaves his shirt on the floor.
soonyoung will later find out that night jihoon had been at work himself, which of course, didn’t come as a surprise in itself. jihoon rarely left his studio at night, especially so close to comeback. what he will find surprising, is that in the midst of a break, jihoon had found himself in his own predicament. he had been jerking off, close to his finish but never quite reaching it. when soonyoung had texted the groupchat, he’d left his studio, peered his head into the practice room when he knew he shouldn’t.
soonyoung wonders now, what would have happened if he hadn't had peered inside. soonyoung also wonders, why jihoon did it in the first place.. was he so sure soonyoung would react as he did? did he intend for the night to end as it did? if he didn’t, why did he do it? soonyoung never asks jihoon though, never really finds out. at least, not as he can remember.
soonyoung does remember well though, the studio door closing, jihoon locking it behind them, he seems shaky as he lifts his shirt over his head, he’s nervous. soonyoung coos softly, kissing jihoon on the top of his head and resting his hands idly around jihoon’s hips, holding him in place. “you’re beautiful.” he whispers, he doesn’t know why. doesn’t know what’s come over him as he steps back, looking over jihoon’s chest.
jihoon flushes red. he doesn’t respond.
jihoon does however, pull soonyoung down onto the couch. he straddles his lap and whines, grinding his ass down against soonyoung’s clothed cock. jihoon whimpers with need, and soonyoung hisses through his teeth.
“fuck.” is all soonyoung can muster, his voice cracks, and his hands come down to jihoon’s thighs, squeezing the clothed muscle underneath them, watching jihoon squirm, all the while rubbing against his dick. soonyoung pushes jihoon off of him for a moment, gently grabbing his hips and moving him down onto the couch next to him. jihoon whimpers at the loss of pressure against his ass, and soonyoung makes a tsk sound with his tongue.
“shh, baby. gotta get these clothes off.” soonyoung runs a hand across jihoon’s jaw before he stands, kicking his pants off and watching as jihoon’s eyes widen. he bites his bottom lip and edges forward on the couch, his face is inches away from soonyoung’s cock, only covered by his boxers. soonyoung can’t manage to stifle a chuckle.
“take them off,” soonyoung whispers, there’s a certain edge to his voice- he’s not demanding, but jihoon treats him as though he is. maybe because he wants him to, but soonyoung doesn’t think he ever can. jihoon is much too fragile to him, and for some reason that he can’t understand, he looks down at him with such fondness that it marks a stark contrast with the situation. soonyoung wraps a hand around the back of his neck as jihoon’s own hands find their way to soonyoung’s waistband. soonyoung’s touch to his neck is slight, but possessive, and jihoon can't ignore how his own cock stirs at the action.
jihoon’s fingers shamelessly dig into the waistband of soonyoung’s boxers now, and he pulls them down as if he’s in a rush. soonyoung’s grip on the back of his neck tightens, and he grits his teeth. he feels exposed like this. with jihoon staring down his dick. jihoon smirks suddenly, the urge to take him into his mouth overbearing. he doesn’t though, instead wrapping a hand around him, giving an experimental stroke.
soonyoung full on groans, hissing through his teeth and grabbing jihoon’s wrist. he wants him to stop, not because he doesn’t like jihoon stroking his cock, but because he needs his pants off. now.
“your turn,” soonyoung’s voice comes out as hoarse, his eyes narrow, and jihoon complies. as much as he likes teasing soonyoung, he’s entirely too horny for argument. he’s already lost his underwear from jerking off earlier, and to soonyoung’s surprise, when jihoon pulls down his pants, the tip of his dick is already red and glistening with precum. of course, soonyoung does not know about jihoon’s situation until later. it’s even more arousing to him as he lacks the knowledge, his brain making up scenarios about jihoon’s sensitivity until he audibly groans, pushing the smaller onto his back and hovering atop of him.
“gonna look so pretty wrapped around my cock, you want that baby?” soonyoung mumbles into jihoon’s ear as he pushes him down, half praising, half talking dirty. jihoon whines, his cock is pressed against the inner of soonyoung’s thigh, and as he leans down the pressure makes his head dizzy.
when jihoon doesn’t respond, soonyoung pulls away frowning. he looks down at him, searching his gaze, and then leans forward. soonyoung doesn’t remember why, but he kisses jihoon. it feels odd to the both of them. it’s out of place. they weren’t lovers, and soonyoung’s lips placed against jihoon’s, soonyoung’s hands sliding down his body to find his hips, squeezing them lightly- it’s loving. jihoon fights the unshakeable urge to tear up, having half a mind to press his lips against soonyoung’s and to lean into the kiss. soonyoung pulls away, brushing jihoon’s hair out of his face. “you okay?”
“im fine. god, ill die if you dont fuck me.” jihoon hisses back in reply, and soonyoung chuckles. “yeah okay, you’ll get it.” he teases, bringing two of his fingers to jihoon’s lips and pressing them against his bottom lip in a playful manner.
jihoon seems confused, and soonyoung laughs.
“i don't suppose you have lube just laying around your studio baby, i need you to suck my fingers so i can fuck you open with them. can you do that?” soonyoung mumbles, he sounds husky, and jihoon stifles a noise under him. he doesn’t respond, rather, parts his lips and lets soonyoung press his fingers into his mouth.
soonyoung smirks on top of him, and he groans as jihoon sucks on his fingers down to the base with ease, looking up at soonyoung with wide eyes that make his cock twitch against jihoon’s stomach.
“alright, fuck.” soonyoung growls, pulling his fingers out of jihoon’s mouth so suddenly there’s a pop. soonyoung brings his wrist under him, nudging jihoon forward a bit on the couch so he can press his fingers against his entrance. soonyoung stills for a moment, he wants to ask jihoon if he’s ever had anything inside of him like this before, but he doesn’t. decides he’s afraid he wont like the answer, for whatever that means.
of course, soonyoung doesn’t find out until years later that he hasn’t. he also doesn’t find out until later that in every way, he was jihoon’s first. he feels guilty about this later, yet, doesn’t really know why.
jihoon squirms underneath him, and soonyoung bites down on his bottom lip as he realizes he’s trying to push himself down on his fingers. soonyoung groans, wrapping his free hand around one of jihoon’s hips, holding him in place and stilling him. “are you that desperate?” soonyoung teases, his knee coming up to press against the inner of one of jihoon’s legs, urging him to spread them under him. jihoon complies.
“please,” jihoon’s begging, and soonyoung’s face is heating up because never in his life could he have imagined jihoon begging for his fingers inside of him. it goes straight to his dick, and he has to calm himself down. he’s deathly terrified of hurting him, and no matter how desperate jihoon is, no matter how much he is begging to be fucked underneath him, soonyoung presses his fingers into him slowly. jihoon thinks it's to tease him, and he pleads more frantically below him.
“god fuck, please soonyoung. please. please don’t tease. i can’t. can’t-“ jihoon’s on the verge of tearing up now and soonyoung frowns, his hand comes up from holding his hip to cup his face, and he leans down, kissing the bridge of his nose in such a gentle and intimate manner it startles the both of them.
“shh, it’s okay. i'm not teasing. just wanna be careful.” soonyoung calms him, pressing his fingers all the way inside of him now. it’s enough for jihoon in the moment, and soonyoung pauses for a few seconds just to savor the feeling of jihoon around him. it’s tender, if only just for a moment.
after a few moments, soonyoung moves his fingers carefully, working to stretch him open yet remaining so gentle it makes jihoon’s heart flutter. he feel’s light. his head is warm and he whimpers, it’s different. it’s not overtly sexual, it’s weak. it’s vulnerable. it hits soonyoung then how fucked out of his mind jihoon already is, and he chews on his bottom lip. “you going to be okay taking me tonight?” soonyoung sounds concerned, he’s hushed, and jihoon borderline groans in frustration.
“god, just fuck me already.”
soonyoung chuckles, but he sighs too. he doesn’t remember why, but his throat tightens. “jihoon-“ soonyoung starts, and jihoon doesn’t let him finish. he reaches up, grabs the back of soonyoung’s neck and pulls him down, his lips pressing against his almost desperately.
soonyoung pulls away and shakes his head. he curls his fingers up, presses against jihoon’s prostate, and lets out a groan almost in perfect time with jihoon’s moan. jihoon twitches under him, his back arches involuntarily against the couch, and soonyoung angles his wrist- pushes into him deeper.
“more.” jihoon whines, his voice is shaky, and soonyoung laughs dryly.
“can't give you more than this baby. im deep.”
“then move.” jihoon sounds frustrated.
soonyoung frowns. “alright then.”
soonyoung shifts back for a moment, letting his eyes take in the view of jihoon’s trembling thighs with his fingers buried inside of jihoon’s pretty hole. he chews his bottom lip for a bit and pulls his fingers out, much to the dismay of jihoon. he whines and squirms under him, likely at the loss, but soonyoung presses his fingers back into him, much rougher now. he curls his fingers up harshly, still careful not to hurt him, and continues this way, pulling out and pushing them back in until jihoon is rocking his hips against his wrist.
“you look so perfect like this.” soonyoung whispers, his eyes are wide, and jihoon flushes red. the praise spurs jihoon on, and at some point, soonyoung stops moving- allowing jihoon to fuck himself on his fingers desperately. it’s hot, and soonyoung realizes how long he’s been neglecting his own pleasure.
soonyoung pulls his fingers out of jihoon, watches him wiggle uncomfortably under him. soonyoung smirks, shifting backwards and grabbing one of jihoon’s legs. he manhandles him, holding his leg upright as he tugs him forward until his ass is flush with soonyoung’s hips, places jihoon’s leg over his shoulder. jihoon whines at the treatment.
“you ready?” soonyoung growls, and jihoon looks up at him, he’s trembling- and soonyoung worries he’s gone too far. that is, until he notices jihoon trying to wiggle down onto his cock, and he audibly groans at the sight. “shit.” he hisses, grabbing his dick and pumping it lazily a few times before aligning himself with jihoon. he presses into him, slow and careful. he watches as jihoon squirms and gasps underneath him.
“you’re taking it so well.” soonyoung whispers, his voice affectionate- and jihoon mewls underneath him, he still sounds desperate, but soonyoung waits until he's bottomed out to move. he waits until he knows jihoon has adjusted under him. he wraps a hand around the side of jihoon’s face and leans down, pressing a tender kiss against his forehead as he thrusts into him. jihoon moans under him, he sounds like he’s coming undone already and it gives soonyoung the incentive to speed up. he stays where he is though. hovering over jihoon, his lips pressed against jihoon’s forehead as he groans, hips snapping against jihoon’s ass in-between heavy breaths.
jihoon whimpers and moans, pleasure slurring his sounds all together. he leans his head back, his neck is exposed to soonyoung and it gives the latter an idea. he growls, almost primal, and reaches a hand up to grab jihoon’s hair.
soonyoung tugs jihoon’s hair backwards, a bit rough but still careful. he keeps his head reared back, looks down through narrowed eyes at jihoon’s bared neck, his small body trembling while soonyoung’s pace increases by the moment. he leans down, finds jihoon’s collarbone, and bites down. he’s harsh. he doesn’t care. soonyoung will feel bad about it later, but in the moment, something in soonyoung’s brain wants jihoon to know who he belongs to. whatever that means.
soonyoung is possessive. he’s possessive in the way his job allows him to be, when he bites down on jihoon’s skin, marks him, he’s careful. he’s precise. which is an odd skill to have when you’re thrusting your cock in and out of someone. he bites down on areas hidden, but high up enough that jihoon’s stylist will have to keep his clothes buttoned all the way up. he doesn’t want anyone seeing jihoon’s body but him. soonyoung wishes as he grinds his cock up into jihoon, feeling his hole tighten around him at the action, that he could mark his neck up and down. he knows better than that though.
soonyoung pulls out for a moment, he grabs at jihoon’s hips roughly, positions him so he’s angled more upwards now. soonyoung looks back down at jihoon’s face, makes sure he’s okay. he bites down a groan at the sight of him.
jihoon’s face is flushed red, his hair is sticking to his forehead- and his pupils are dilated, he looks fucked out of his mind, hickeys up and down his body where soonyoung bit down onto his skin. “you alright baby?” he whispers, and jihoon whimpers in response, soonyoung smiles, kissing jihoon’s forehead again- jihoon groans.
soonyoung chuckles, and then he thrusts up- into where he’s positioned jihoon. jihoon yelps his name, and soonyoung hisses through his teeth. he’s hit jihoon’s prostate, and soonyoung wonders if he could come untouched like this. if it wasn't for soonyoung holding his hips upright, he’s sure jihoon would not be able to hold himself up.
“like that- fuck, like that. please. soonyoung. soonyoung.” jihoon hisses strangled cries, over and over, his body squirming as soonyoung hits his prostate repeatedly, hips snapping up at a relentless pace.
“that’s it baby.” soonyoung coos, so gentle as he wraps his hand around jihoon’s cock. he only strokes him a few times, and to soonyoung’s surprise, jihoon comes with a startled cry. lucky for him, soonyoung is close to his own release, and he pushes down on jihoon’s chest with his other hand, forcing him to look up and watch as he brings his hand that was wrapped around jihoon’s cock up to his lips. soonyoung smirks, groaning as he licks his hand, tasting jihoon’s cum. it drips down onto the younger under him, and jihoon moans and shakes. both at the display and the increasing stimulation as soonyoung fucks him through his orgasm, bordering the line into overstimulation every thrust.
soonyoung fucks into him a few more times before he stills, he groans and pants as he grabs at jihoon’s hips desperately, keeping him on his cock while he spills into him. he stays above jihoon for a few moments before he collapses onto him, shifting jihoon in his arms so his cock is still planted deep inside of him.
they do not show up for their schedule the next day.
“…thinking about what?” jihoon’s voice suddenly snaps soonyoung back to the present, and he realizes how red his face is at the moment. he also becomes painfully aware of the ache in his pants.
soonyoung wonders how long he’s been lost in his own memory, minutes? hours? his hand comes down to pull jihoon closer, wrapped around his hip. “our first time.” soonyoung is honest, and jihoon’s nose scrunches up. “you’re a monster.” he laughs, batting at soonyoung’s shoulder and glancing down at the bulge prominent in his sweats. “you’re always horny.”
“it’s not my fault,” soonyoung chuckles, shifting so he’s sitting more upright now. he wonders for a moment how many times he’s fucked jihoon on this couch. “look at you.”
jihoon glances away sheepishly.
they go out for dinner later that night. most of the time, the whole group will go out. either to catch up with one another in between busy schedules, or maybe just to be close to one another. they try to avoid going out in pairs, it’s dangerous. rumors start easily, especially now. they’re not exactly nobodies anymore. they can't risk it. soonyoung doesn’t really care all that much though, he wants to be close with jihoon this way, and jihoon is fine with it. though, soonyoung notices he seems particularly anxious tonight as they sit down.
“something on your mind?” soonyoung asks, slyly, but jihoon doesn’t seem amused. rather, he frowns and looks away. “no soonyoung, im fine.” soonyoung suddenly feels a wave of guilt, though he isn’t sure why. jihoon is good at that. making him feel guilty for reasons he doesn’t even know.
“sorry, did i do something?” soonyoung raises an eyebrow, he looks sad, and jihoon just manages to stop himself from wincing. it’s unfortunate, jihoon thinks as he looks down at the ground. how weak they make one another.
“no, you didn't do anything. im fine.”
“no you’re not,” soonyoung is insistent, and it’s frustrating. the former reaches a hand out to cup his face, and it’s the last straw for jihoon. “stop.” he hisses through his teeth, swatting soonyoung’s hand away from him. soonyoung cringes, sitting back in his seat.
“sorry.”
“it’s fine.” jihoon grumbles. “we’re in public.” he states, as if soonyoung doesn’t know.
“i’m aware.”
“then act like it.” jihoon sounds both desperate and frustrated, soonyoung frowns.
“alright, sorry.”
jihoon feels almost instantly apologetic, but he doesn’t say anything. doesn’t apologize even when he knows he wants to. it’s not pride, maybe fear. he glances away.
soonyoung looks down at his phone, it’s awkward now. he hates when it ends up like this, hates how often it ends up like this. when soonyoung pushes too far. they're not lovers, he knows jihoon hates it when he treats them like they are. they can't be, not with their job. not only are they idols. they’re men.
jihoon shifts awkwardly, glancing down. “i think im going to leave.”
soonyoung looks up, trying to meet his gaze. jihoon averts it.
“alright,” soonyoung goes to stand up, he’ll drive jihoon home. they'll order some take out, jihoon will fall asleep in his arms that night.
“i'm calling a taxi.” jihoon finally meets his eye.
“oh?” soonyoung’s voice cracks, the back of his neck is red. its silent. people are looking at them. there’s tension, and jihoon bites his bottom lip. he’s trying not to cry. soonyoung wants to reach out and cradle him, but he doesn’t. doesn't even touch him.
“i think. i think we should stop this. for a while.” jihoon stands now.
“okay.” soonyoung mutters, he looks dumbfounded, stunned.
“its risky.”
“yeah.”
jihoon looks down awkwardly, maybe it’s soonyoung who's trying not to cry now. he can’t tell. it feels like everything’s running together. why does he care so much? his head is racing but he doesn’t speak, he scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “alright then. goodnight.” soonyoung shifts on his feet for a moment, as if he’s not sure whether to leave or not. eventually he turns, his stomach twisting as he starts moving.
“goodnight.” jihoon replies, and his voice sounds so small. soonyoung’s not certain he hasn't imagined it.