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today was a normal day. except it wasn’t. today was the day i decided i was going to end it all. i went about my day as normal.
i turned over to scatter kisses all over wooyoung’s face to wake him up- oh how he was going to miss his lover’s beautiful smile. i smiled down at woo knowing this was our last morning together.
“breakfast is ready!” seonghwa exclaimed.
i dragged wooyoung out of bed to go enjoy our last breakfast together as a family.
we arrived and sat in silence still trying to shake the sleep off. soon laughter filled in the silence as yunho and mingi fought over the last pancake, just for yeosang to steal it.
today was our off day, so we all planned a fun day together per my request.
we first went shopping, i bought woo anything and everything he could’ve wanted. he questioned me and tried to protest, but i just wanted to see him happy one last time. i guess i’m selfish like that.
we then went to an amusement park. it was so much fun. laughing and screaming on rides, spraying each other at the waterpark, giggling when someone gets food on their face. we watched as fireworks were set off, except i was watching wooyoung. watching as the colourful lights reflected off his face. the sparkle of happiness in his eyes. god why am i taking away that happiness. i’m so fucking selfish.
we ended the day in a cuddle pile in the living room watching a movie. wooyoung snuggled closer and sighed.
“i love you” he whispered.
my breath caught but i cleared my throat, “i love you too baby” i kissed his forehead and turned to rest my head on his.
after the movie finished we said our goodnights and went to bed. wooyoung and i snuggled up and held each other close.
“you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me” i said.
“you’re such a sap” woo giggled.
“but you love me” i smiled.
“that i do” he replied and snuggled closer.
i brought him into one final kiss and whispered, “goodnight my love”
“goodnight sannie, love you”
that night i woke up around 3am. i looked sat up looking around. taking in the room for the final time was hard. but living was even harder. i looked over to wooyoung who was asleep so peacefully. i smiled, tears filled my eyes. oh how i was going to miss him so fucking much. i leaned over and kissed his forehead one last time. a stray tear made its way down my face and landed on wooyoungs face. i got up and left my note for wooyoung to read. i walked toward the door and looked back one last time. to the image of my soulmate sleeping so peacefully. i turned and left the bedroom for the final time. i walk through the dorm, peaking into each members room, watching them sleep so peacefully. god how i’ll miss this. i walk to the front door. put my shoes on and grabbed my coat.
i find it amusing. i once told my mom so confidently when i was younger that i would never ever touch nicotine. in return she said “sweetie when i was your age i said the same to grandma yet here i am” after taking another drag of the cigarette. oh how right she was back then and how wrong i was. here i am pulling out a pack with exactly nine cigs left and one already in my mouth. it’s weird i’ve always loved the number nine despite having no association to that number. i took out my lighter and took a long drag. little did i know someone at the dorm had woken up.
-third person pov-
back at the dorms wooyoung woke up to the sound of the front door closing. he looked around confused until he noticed san missing. he got up confused and looked for his phone but instead found a note. he picked up the note and read it:
To the love of my life,
I’m sorry this is the way we have to end. This life has been too difficult for me. Therapy isn’t helping and my addictions are only getting worse. I truely loved what we did, and I’m so thankful that I made so many people happy. Yet at the same time I almost despised it all. I’m proud of what we put out but the amount of support yet hate was getting to me. I didn’t know which to believe. It was so overwhelming. I truely don’t want to die, but I need to be released. There’s this right pressure that’s constantly wrapped around my heart. Sometimes it squeezes so hears I can’t breathe. I’m glad I got to spend one final day together as a family. I truely love you guys and I’ll miss you. Though I’ll always be here in spirit. I’ll watch over you all. Wooyoung my love, I wanted one day for us to be married. I wanted to grow old together, but not this life. In our next life it’ll be better. We’ll always be soulmates from now until forever. No matter what life we find ourselves in we’ll always find each other. I love you so fucking much and I’m so sorry it had to be this way. Stay strong my love, I’ll always be with you.
Love,
Choi San♡
wooyoung panicked. he ran out the dorm in a hurry wearing only his pjs and slippers. he ran and ran until he spotted san on a bridge. his shoes were off and by the ledge. he was leaning forward. wooyoung screamed and ran faster than ever. it was too late. san looked back and smiled bitterly letting go of the bar. wooyoung body slammed into the bar leaning over it reaching out hoping for something. he watched as his lover disappeared into the raging river below. he screamed and cried. arms wrapped around him and he jumped. he turned around in a panic.
“shhhh woo” seonghwa’s calming voice was heard. wooyoung let out a loud sob smushing his face into the taller man’s chest. he cried and cried as hands ran up and down his back, voices whispering telling him it’ll all be okay, the sirens of emergency services, the bright lights and booming voices yelling to attempt the search in the rapid waters.
he was being dragged away feeling like a hallowed out shell of himself. they were back at home, he was brought to someone’s bed. someone laid down with him and whispered soothing words luring him to sleep. it was yeosang. his best friend. he soon fell into a restless slumber.
-san’s pov-
the morning after i killed myself i woke up to eat breakfast with everyone else. it was so quiet, no one spoke a single word. no one even looked in my direction. as if i wasn't there.
the morning after i killed myself i fell in love. in love with my members who still left a spot for me at the dinner table, or on the couch, or in the car, or on stage in front of atiny. the same people who were always there for me like i was for them. in love with my sister who placed my letter in an envelope and kept it in a locked box for her to hold on to. still unable to accept that her little brother left her behind to face the world alone. in love with wooyoung who still left space for me on the bed to cuddle every night, hoping i would come back and hold him one last time. wishing he could've done something to help. wishing he would've paid more attention. wishing he could turn back time.
the morning after i killed myself i went for a walk with everyone, watching the way yeosang looked so relaxed while skateboarding. watching how the 99 line and jongho would play tag and chase each other around while seonghwa and hongjoong walked side by side watching with a small smile. i watched the way how wooyoung was tagged and he laughed knowing who his target would be. i watched as he turned around looking for someone. how the spark left his eyes and he no longer wanted to play.
the morning after i killed myself i went on twitter but all i could see on my feed was everyone mourning my death. i saw the statement the company posted regarding my death and how there was going to be a candle light celebration to celebrate my life. what a strange thing, why celebrate a life when they were nothing special.
the morning after i killed myself i was watched the sunset with wooyoung. what a beautiful sight, seeing the one you love glow with the golden rays. once the sun was gone he stood up. i watched how he got close to the rooftop edge, too close. he took a deep breath while a tear ran down his face and took a step forward. all i could do was watch. i couldn't do anything to stop him. he was gone.
the morning after i killed myself i went to the body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into him. i screamed and cried but he didn't move. i tried telling him about wooyoung. i tried telling him how ateez is no longer ot8, but in the living members eyes we're still alive. i tried telling him how our sister misses us so fucking much. i tried telling him how ateez and atiny will never be the same. i told him about the sunsets and cuddles with wooyoung, and how we'll never get to do that again.
the morning after i killed myself i found wooyoung again. he was sitting by our grave. i sat down and asked "why did you do it?" he looked at me with tear filled eyes, "because you promised me we'd always be together san." he wiped his tears, "so i'm keeping my end of our fucking promise." he sobbed. "i'm so sorry." i hugged him with everything i had. "i'm so fucking sorry woo.”
the morning after i killed myself. i tried to unkill myself. but the damage had already been done.