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Mikey sighs, bemused and with a headache forming as the many voices, seemingly usually content to only chatter in whispers in the background of his mind start screeching out their usual threats, curses and commands of him to either self harm or commit mindless slaughter.
He always manages to ignore them though, only ever giving into the voices of self harm when reality and his own self hatred of his own uselessness gets too much for him.
Or when he has to punish himself for screwing up once again on patrol or a mission as a physical reminder to himself that he has, no needs to do better, be better.
Unfortunately the lesson never seems to stick for he makes far, far too many mistakes.
The messed up thing is a lot of the punishments he does as a reminder to be better, to do better are the same mistakes he had punished himself for literally the day before.
It’s a never ending cycle he can’t seem to break no matter how hard he tries and fuck he has tried, god he has tried so, so hard but it never works out how he wants it too.
He just can’t seem to do the only thing he desperately wants to do with every fibre of his being and that’s be better.
A better brother, a better son, a better friend, a better fucking ninja… he just keeps on fucking up and he can’t seem to stop.
Sighing he groans as the voices up their pitch, as well as quickly shutting his eyes shut in frustration as what took far too long for him to realise we’re hallucinations start appearing out of the corners of his eyes.
It might be childish but If he can’t see them then they’re not really there right?
It doesn’t matter if he can feel his heart attempting to beat out of his chest in fear as he literally feels viscous claws start scratching his skin off, it doesn’t matter as insects bite and tear there way under his flesh, how his body itches and shudders in chills as his blood flows out of his body to pool on his bed, more and more and more.
He can feel himself choking, drowning in his own blood as his room fills with the coppery substance, he can smell the cloyingly bitter liquid, can taste it on his tongue and feel it gushing down his throat.
Can hear the screeching voices turn to growls and groans and unintelligible chanting to go with the screams and cries.
It doesn’t matter though because he has his eyes closed and so it’s not real, it’s not there and it doesn’t matter that he can’t breathe-why isn’t he breathing?- because it’s not real.
He knows it’s not, HE KNOWS IT…. It doesn’t matter that it feels, sounds, smells and tastes real because it’s not.
It’s not, not, not, not notnotnotnotnotnotnotnotnot NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT.
it’s not real and Mikey’s fine because it’s not real.
(It is real it’s there he knows it is real doesn’t matter nobody sees or feels or hears what he can it’s real god why is it real he doesn’t want it to be real)
He’s fine.
(He’s not fine)
———
Mikey has never had the best memory, the many scars on his wrists and the bruises lining his body played off as being clumsy in battle with the foot can attest to that but admittedly it has never been as bad, or concerning as it has been these past few months.
It’s like he just has to blink and minutes to hours have gone by and he has no clue on what happened, or worse on what he did.
He could be laying in his room trying to drown out the voices by listening to too loud music and reading comic books and the next he has somehow magically just finished patrol with the rest of his bros when he didn’t even remember starting it.
(Though apparently he did good on those ones, if his brothers snide comments are anything to go on and how fucked up is it that the only times for Mikey to finally be good for once and not fuck up he can’t even remember what he did or what went down)
Or he could simply be making dinner and when he blinks he is topside and absolutely drenched, head to toe in blood that certainly isn’t his own, he has no idea whose it is either and all he can do is pray to fucking god and whatever other power that be that he hasn’t killed someone.
(Oh god he hopes he hasn’t but he’s covered in blood whose is it where did it come from oh god no no no no no no nononononono)
He has tried to ask Donnie about his concerns, about the large gaps in his memories but every time he even knocks on the door to his lab he’s told to leave, that Donnie’s busy and even when Donnie isn’t in his lab and Mikey tries to speak to him he is shot down and STILL told to not bother him.
Mikey doesn’t want to be a bother, he doesn’t want to make Donnie upset but he’s scared and doesn’t know what to do, still his fear of upsetting his immediate older brother is far larger then his fear of the increasingly massive gaps in his memories or the growing fear that he has killed people… that he will potentially continue to possibly, maybe kill people in the ever growing gaps in his memories because he finds himself bathing in the dark red liquid far to much these days.
So just like how Mikey stopped trying to ask Donnie about the voices and the hallucinations he stops trying to ask about the gaps in his memories.
Mikey must be fine though, if no one else has noticed anything amiss with him then surely just like the voices and hallucinations everything must just be in his head.
Mikey’s fine.
(He’s not fine)
——
Mikey may be addicted to pain and self harming, but it doesn’t mean that he LIKES others purposefully hurting him, at least not without express permission and especially not from those he loves and desperately wants to prove himself too and by some sort of miracle hopefully somehow impress.
An impossible thing to achieve for Mikey he knows but a dude can dream can’t they?
The thing is, the only one who is physically harmful to him, who is even willing to go near and touch him to lay a hand on him is Raph.
Sure Leo and Donnie slap him over the head when Mikey is being particularly loud or annoying, either from random bursts of energy he can’t control or to hear himself over the voices that blast in his head and make his head ring but that he can understand, given they never hit too hard and is more of a light reprimand.
He doesn’t mean to be how he is given he NEVER wants to be like he is but Raph… Raph always makes sure his hits and his stupid cruel game of does Mikey bend this way? Always hurts.
Raph means to cause him pain, he means to hurt Mikey in ways his other brothers don’t bother to, no his other brothers prefer to ignore his very existence or to destroy him with words full of ridicule and malice or worse with disdainful, disappointed looks.
It’s a pain that transcends his physical body to crush his heart and cut into his soul, it’s a pain that burns and makes his lungs constrict so hard he can’t breathe…. But that is something Mikey is used to, it’s something Mikey can force himself to ignore because he knows Leo and Donnie don’t really mean to cause him such agony, such soul destroying pain, they don’t, he KNOWS they don’t.
(He’s lying to himself they mean it, they mean to crush and destroy him like they do, if not how could they ignore his hurt expressions, the tears in his eyes and his hands desperately begging for help he knows will never come how could they stand to see his soul, his heart bleeding and not do anything-)
Raph means every word, every look and certainly every hit and that somehow hurts worse because as a child Mikey remembers Raph being his hero, remembers adoring his older brother so much he practically worshiped him.
It hurts, it hurts so much more now because whatever worship he held as a child has now transformed into the dread and fear he holds whenever Mikey is even in the same space as his once beloved older brother and unfortunately for Mikey, they live in the sewer in cramped quarters with little chance to really distance themselves away from each other unless they go topside or go sewer skating but that just brings other problems.
He fears his own older brother and he hates it, he loathes his brothers hands on him and hates how he can’t stop his flinches every time his brothers, Leo and Donnie included even looks at him.
How he can’t help flinching when anyone looks at him nowadays.
It just adds to his already stressed out body and mind, what with the constant voices and the hallucinations and the increasing gaps in his memories and the constant confusion and worry of if he’s turned into an amnesiac serial killer or not.
It’s fine though, cause Mikey is fine, it can’t be an issue if no one else cares if Mikey is in pain or hurting, that no one cares that Mikey is terrified of his own brother, of everyone, of himself.
He’s fine.
(He’s not fine)
——
Mikey knows he comes across as an overly affectionate guy, he knows to other people he seems like the kind of dude who loves to give and receive hugs and pets and all the physical fluff one could imagine and to a certain extent that’s true.
Mikey loves giving hugs and fist bumps and affection to people in need, but that’s the kicker here, he only loves giving affection to those in NEED.
Never outside that and he most definitely does not like receiving cuddles and pets and kisses and any other affectionate fluff someone could possibly give.
It’s not just because Mikey knows he doesn’t deserve it either, it’s not just because Mikey knows he’s worthless so why should others, people of importance give any type of love and affection to somebody so expendable?
No it’s also because Mikey can’t stand others hands on him, and not just because of fear of violence either.
Mikey just doesn’t like others hands on him because it makes his skin itch and crawl and makes him just wants to scratch his skin raw, bloody and scream bloody murder to get the hands off off off!
Even giving affection, as much as he loves it he can sometimes barely handle because the touch always seems to linger, it’s like phantom hands are still touching, caressing him and it makes him feel physically sick to his stomach that sometimes he has to rush an excuse and hide away so he can spew out whatever he had for lunch.
Even then he has to have a shower and scrub his arms, plastron and shell clean until his skin feels raw and his shell and plastron looks like it lost a layer of whatever it is made from, Mikey never could remember the long lessons Donnie gave on science, even important things such as their own biology.
Not because he didn’t want to learn, he did, he really, really did it’s just Mikey could never keep focus no matter how hard he tried.
It always just ended up as another cut against his wrists, a punishment for being unable to do something that everyone with half a brain could do such as simply focus for more than a few minutes.
It’s fine though, it doesn’t matter what Mikey feels, it’s NEVER mattered what Mikey feels, it doesn’t matter how much sheer revulsion he feels when touched despite how much he loves it because making sure his family and there friends are always happy and alright is more important.
Mikey doesn’t matter so it’s fine, he’s fine.
(He’s not fine)
——
As much as Mikey loves his bros, he’s not IN love with them, sure Mikey could certainly come to be in love with one of them if the circumstances are right despite all morals stating it’s wrong since Mikey has never been one who cared for social norms.
Besides human norms aside Mikey is a turtle and turtles don’t know what incest even is so why should he play by human standards.
Mikey isn’t even sure they are biological brothers, not that it matters but Sensei did get them from a pet shop after all and who knows if they were from the same clutch.
Donnie certainly hasn’t made any mention of the specifics of their mutated biology and DNA.
Still even saying that Mikey doesn’t want to be involved and in love with someone he knows will never love him back, it’s hard enough for him to already know he’s not even worthy enough for pure familial love, let alone friendship.
So despite being as dumb as he is, he still creates an excuse to skip patrol and after disabling the alarms on Donnie’s lab, he sneaks in and quickly concocts an elixir he created to prevent heats and after cleaning up and making sure everything was as Donnie first had it he leaves back into the base and enables the alarms once again.
Back in his room, he prepares the syringe and injects the heat preventing elixir he knows isn’t healthy for him into his bloodstream.
Mikey is a dude, a pansexual dude but still a dude, he’s got the dick to prove it, but Mikey is also intersex, a secret not even their dad and sensei knows about him with full working female bits and despite being a mutant, he’s also a turtle and female turtles go into heats.
Something Mikey can’t afford to be in, not with near constantly having to face off against the foot and the kraang, it would be a nightmare if he went into heat in the middle of battle and it affected his brothers, risking them getting killed even more so then It already is simply with Mikey being there.
It doesn’t matter what happens to him… what could happen to him if found out by their enemies since he doesn’t matter, he’s of no importance, he’s expendable.
He’s brothers aren’t though, they are important, the MOST important so it doesn’t matter if this elixir he self made is slowly destroying him from the inside out emotionally and mentally given he hasn’t figured out how to make it non addictive yet.
He can’t risk his family’s and their friends safety.
He simply doesn’t matter, he’s fine.
(He’s not fine)
——-
Every time Mikey by some unknown miracle manages to make a friend of his own it always seems to very quickly and all too soon fray at the seams.
His friend either quickly becomes more like someone else’s friend instead, or it ends in them having to permanently say farewell due to circumstances or just plain up ends in tragedy.
Mikey knows he shouldn’t be selfish, he knows that his only role in life is to be the forever happy go lucky comedic relief for his brothers and their friends in this troubled life they lead.
Still is it really so wrong for him to want a friend of his own that won’t ever leave him for someone else, be forced to leave due to circumstances beyond their control or end up in death?
Is it really so wrong of him to want someone to see past his happy mask to the shattered dude underneath?
So wrong to want someone who genuinely cares… well maybe not care… NOBODY cares for Mikey… but at the very least likes him enough to WANT to hang around only him?
Sure he has Ice Cream Kitty… but she’s different, special, a pet and companion who literally CANT leave unless she wants to turn into an ice cream puddle.
The only friend he can confidently say is none of the above and everything he selfishly wants is Yamamoto Jin and he’s not even from the same dimension as he is.
Well to be fair neither are most of his short spent friends but unlike them his and Jin’s friendship is constant, accidental but constant, they have been through more shit together in the quasi dimensions they both keep accidentally falling into then he and his brothers have been through combined.
Though that’s a secret he will forever take to the grave, his bros and their friends don’t need to know that Mikey has traveled to other dimensions, quasi dimensions yeah where time stands still but still moves forward and you’re forced to fight and die again and again and again constantly but still other dimensions a hell of a lot worse then the very recent Kraang dimension.
Not that he has or will tell his bros just how long in dimension x he was actually there, they don’t need to know that he was trapped on that planet for over six months, with a good portion of that time getting tortured.
Still his only constant friend is in another dimension and the only time they can ever hope to meet is in the quasi dimensions they somehow keep slipping into.
So is it really wrong for him to want to have a constant presence in his own world? Where every moment spent together isn’t filled with constant threats of extreme violence and death?
He knows he is being selfish for wanting more then he has, to want for something for once with no strings attached but he can’t help but want, he wants so freaking much it hurts.
He desperately wants someone by his side that won’t leave his side, someone that won’t hurt, degrade or discard him as if he doesn’t exist, as if he doesn’t matter.
Oh Mikey knows he doesn’t matter, he knows that with every ounce of his insignificant worthless being, he knows more then well that he doesn’t deserve such a privilege either but it doesn’t stop the want.
Doesn’t stop the bone deep ache in his body or the soul stirring desire to be treated as someone at least worthy of being equal to everyone else.
Of being worth something to someone else.
Mikey is fine being alone though, it’s not like he isn’t used to the loneliness, he’s fine being discarded and unwanted.
He doesn’t need someone else, he just wants it is all.
He’s fine.
(He’s not fine)
——-
Mikey likes to think of himself as an easy going dude despite all his many… issues, since they’re not really a problem if no one else is concerned right?
So yeah he considers himself easy going but easy going as he is, does not mean he is going to let other people, especially his own bros enter and go traipsing into his mind.
That’s the very last thing he wants or will ever allow to happen.
It happens though because of course it does, nothing ever goes well for him, his life is nothing but a one stop tragedy on a runaway train so he can’t stop it, wouldn’t know how to even begin preventing his bros from entering his messed up head even if he could because no one ever listens to him.
Mikey just isn’t worth respect or consideration like everyone else in the universe does, he may not know much of anything, given how stupid he is but he certainly knows that more than well enough.
If they did listen… well honestly Mikey wouldn’t mind those alien things destroying his mind and leaving his body an empty husk, he would probably more then welcome brain death at this point because what’s the point of living like this?
In constant fear of everything, of himself, of always second guessing his thoughts… of always wondering if the next inevitable mistake he makes if his bros will finally abandon him for good like he knows they want to.
Of feeling guilty at the sheer relief that thought brings him, as if being abandoned by his bros, the only people or mutants willing to tolerate him at all would be a good thing.
Though maybe it is? Mikey loves his bros, he does despite being terrified of them even being in the same room as himself and it would kill him if he hurt them due to one of his many mistakes, or worse if he… if he killed them in one of his many memory blanks, sure he never finds any bodies despite how hard he looks throughout New York, human or animal alike but he knows he has done something seriously wrong in those blanks in his memories because it’s certainly never paint he finds himself drenched in, and no matter how hard he wishes it’s never a hallucination.
His blade wouldn’t have the dregs of some kind of flesh on it if he hadn’t done something seriously messed up.
Sure harming his bros is slim, given how much of a mess up he is on a good day let alone on a real bad one like his blanks but the possibility is there and that’s more then enough for Mikey to want to want finally slit his wrists deeper then he has ever dared to try before.
So no, he wouldn’t mind becoming brain dead, Mikey is sure it would be best for not just him but for everyone if he just… faded away.
Maybe then his bros would finally be happy with him… be proud to have called himself there lil bro… maybe he would have finally done something right for once in his worthless life.
So no he doesn’t want his bros to enter his mind, but it’s not like he has a choice he’s NEVER had a choice.
But it’s fine, Mikey’s fine, he has to be fine.
He will just die as soon as they come out, no big deal, he was planning on doing it eventually anyway sometime in the future, this just brought his plans forward a bit.
Then he really will be fine, because he’ll finally get his brothers love, they’ll finally be proud of him, they’ll praise him for finally not messing up for once!
Then Mikey will honestly be happy too, he won’t have to hide his tears and terror and agony behind a fake smile anymore.
So Mikey will be fine, EVERYONE will be fine.
(No one will be fine)