Chapter Text
Act 1 - Choppy Seas
Captain Frenchie: Raise the mizzen!
Archie: All hands on deck!
Auntie emerges from her quarters and starts ringing an old brass bell with dragons on it. The mainmast starts creaking ominously. All the crew members run to the mast in attempt to support it.
Zheng hi Sao (at the helm): REEF AHEAD!
The boat crashes into the reef and the figurehead (the new one that Zheng made) gets its dragonlike head taken off by a chunk of brain coral that flies into the mainmast and splinters it.
Captain Frenchie (to Roach): What’s our damage?
Roach: Minor damage
(As soon as he says this, the mast topples into one of the Revenge’s refined staircases)
Roach: Never mind. Major damage.
Black Pete: But she can still be fixed, right?
Lucius: Love the positive attitude, hon.
Roach: Yes, she can definitely be fixed.
Wee John Feeney: We need to get to the nearest island. And to do that we need a raft.
Jim: That only works in stories, Wee John.
Wee John: I know. I was just pointing that out.
Roach: Well, we do have a lot of wood. I’ll see what I can put together.
Archie: I don’t mean to be a downer, mate, but we don’t have any nails. Or a hammer, for that matter.
Fang: I have my new war hammer.
Roach: That’ll work.
Jim: We can use my knives.
Roach: There’s not enough. Besides, we need something thinner, like some kind of fang.
(All the crew members look at Fang’s necklace and shoulder pads.)
Fang: No way, no how.
Captain Frenchie: We have 30 minutes until nightfall, Fangy. Work with us here, my boy.
Fang (very dejected): Fine.
(30 minutes and one hastily built raft later…)
Captain Frenchie: Set sail for the nearest island, mateys!
Act 2 - Seabird
Inn customer: Ow! Hey! Jesus Christ! Murdering killer rabbit!
Stede: Ed! Control your rabbit!
Ed (upstairs): Not his fault that this guy was being a dick!
Inn customer: Get this thing off me! Ow! Ouch!
Stede: Okay, okay! Now hold still, Little Izzy Junior… OW! Ed, get down here and control your rabbit! Ow!
(A carrot rolls down the stairs and Little Izzy Junior leaps off of Stede and goes after it.)
Inn customer: Jesus, it’s finally off my face. Now, I’m leaving this crappy inn.
(The inn customer bumps his mug of ale off the table, which spills on Stede’s suit.)
Inn customer: Oopsy.
Stede: Christ, man, that was my best summer linen!
Inn customer: Later, losers.
(He slams the door in Stede’s face)
Stede: Good riddance!
(Ed comes down the stairs wearing a tasseled blue and gold suit with a squid embroidered on it.)
Ed: How do I look?
Stede: You wear fine things well, darling. Now where did you get that suit?
Ed: Frenchie sent it by bird early afternoon, but it came with an odd bit of paper. Here, you read it.
(image) - Frenchie's Letter
Alt text: Deer Ed and Steede, I nowe this is od, but the soot is not the prezent I hoap hee did not change on th way thare, and you got this packuje. Sawry for the speling, Frenchie
Stede: Well, I do suppose it is a tad off. Where’s the bird?
Ed: Up in the cages.
(image) - The Inn
Description (written by mom): a pencil drawing of the somewhat fixed up inn, painted a cheery yellow. Passing a stump with a hatchet, there is a rocking chair and a flourishing plant that we recognize on the porch (author's comment: I have NO idea how this plant is still alive), along with a sign that reads "Ed & Stede's Inn and Bar and Tavern and Grill and Other Delicacies and Delights and Fishing Equipment". The logo above the sign is a kraken holding a flower and a sword. There is an axe embedded in the door (which has seen lots of things) and many of the windows are still broken. There is a balcony porch on the second floor with carrier bird cages that lead in to Ed & Stede's room. The roof has some boarded up slight storm damage, and is topped by two flags sewed by Frencie and a weathervane with a second kraken sign, which we learn is made by Auntie.
(Ed and Stede climb up to the cages)
Ed: It's that one over there.
Stede: This one?
(Stede points to the bird to the far end.)
Ed: Yeah. That one.
(Stede opens the door)
Stede: Okay, nice birdie, nice little birdie… OW!
(The bird pecks Stede twice, flaps out of the cage, and starts attacking something in Ed’s pocket, and pulls an old piece of paper out of it.)
Stede: OW, he pecked me! Oh no! Now I’m bleeding!
(Stede shrieks and runs downstairs looking for a cloth. Moments pass, and while Ed looks at the paper, Stede emerges.)
Ed: Darling?
Stede: Yes?
Ed: Take a look at this…
Act 3 - Buttons
Stede: Now where did you get that?
(The piece of paper was a Lucius-style sketch of Buttons, Ed and Stede laughing on the deck of the Revenge, drinking rum.)
Ed: I found it lying on the floor. Well, I’m gonna round up the customers an’ call it a night.
(About 10 minutes later, Ed is asleep with Stede lying next to him. Stede, being unable to sleep, pulls Frenchie’s letter off a small table. He stares at the letter and a few minutes later he gets out of bed, puts on his silk gown, and goes out onto the porch.)
Stede: You’re a peculiar little birdie aren’t you?
(The seagull cocks his head and then squawks loudly. Stede quickly turns to see if Ed wakes up. He doesn’t, and Stede turns around. Then the seagull bites him again.)
Ed (slightly groggy): Wuzz gwin on?
(Stede’s hand starts to bleed. A small trickle of blood starts running down his hand.)
Stede: Ed, darling? Would you mind getting me a piece of wet cloth?
(Ed rips off a piece of the bedspread and spits on it. He then hands it to Stede, who ties it to his hand.)
Ed: Stede, give it a rest. Jes’ get back to bed.
(A few minutes later, Stede and Ed are lying together in bed, asleep. One hour later, a loud BOOM sounds out, and the porch doors are blown apart. Ed and Stede promptly fall out of bed. The house shakes, and one of the inn customers below falls out of bed, swears loudly, and goes back to sleep. There’s a blast of blue sparks, a yell, and one of the bird cages busts open. A pile of feathers fall onto the ground, and Buttons (naked.) is standing on the porch, looking bewildered.)
Act 4 - A Lot of Explaining
Buttons: I’ve no talked ta ye two fer quite a bit o’ time, ‘eh laddies?
Ed: Told you he turned into a bird, mate.
(Buttons starts to drink the whole mug of Ed-brand ale, finishes the mug, and refills it. He suddenly lets out a loud squawk, and everyone jumps and Little Izzy Junior suddenly leaps out of Ed’s arms, and catapults across the table at Button’s neck.)
Stede: Now, Buttons. How exactly did you get like this?
Buttons: Well, mate, tha’s pretty simple right there. I once was a young little bag o’ meat, laid out there on me little blanky and…
Stede: No, Buttons! Tell us how you got to become a seagull!