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From when he was small, Jiseok had always loved being the centre of attention. Whenever his grandparents came to visit, he happily pranced around the living room to show off the moves he’d learned in his ballet classes, and when they patted his head and cooed and exclaimed about how brilliant he was, he’d felt like the most powerful kid in the world, like he could do anything.
In elementary school, when his teacher had told him he was the top student in maths, the praise had lit something inside him, twinkling and colourful like fairy lights, shining all the brighter when the other students had looked at him with awe and admiration. You got all the quiz questions right? Wow, Jiseokie’s so smart!
During a particularly memorable school festival in middle school, their class had neglected to prepare an entry for the cross-dressing competition—so they’d thrown a hanbok at Jiseok, smeared a sticky, fruity-smelling gloss across his lips, and shoved him towards the stage. Even with his boyishly short hair, he’d somehow scraped a second place.
Maybe most boys would have been left mortified by such an experience, but all Jiseok was left with was the giddy high of admiring looks and ample praise thrown his way.
“It’s not fair,” he’d overheard one of the girls sigh from the wings. “He’s not just pretty for a boy—he’s pretty for a girl.”
By the time he reached high school, Jiseok could freely admit it to himself: he loved attention. He loved being fawned over, loved being adored. How fitting it was that he ended up an idol.
It was just… there were times when it didn’t feel like enough.
That was how it felt with Jooyeon, and it didn’t make any sense.
Jooyeon started conversations with him, asked him to hang out, initiated skinship, complimented his looks, praised his intelligence… but sometimes, when Jiseok saw him playfighting or bickering or even just having a sedate conversation with one of the others, he felt an odd kind of itch beneath his skin. An urge to call Jooyeon’s name or drape an arm over his shoulders, just so Jiseok could feel those eyes on him and him alone, that smile directed his way and nowhere else.
It was completely irrational. Jiseok couldn’t realistically have all of Jooyeon’s attention all the time; that wasn’t fair on anyone, especially not Jooyeon. All the same, though. Jiseok wanted… something more from Jooyeon. He just wasn’t sure what.
But that didn’t stop him from grasping blindly in the dark in the pale hope that he’d trip and fall into the answer.
He knew that Jooyeon liked 5SOS; that Jooyeon liked soccer; that Jooyeon liked anime and manga. So Jiseok listened to 5SOS’s entire discography in one night and added every song to his playlist. He stayed up until four in the morning reading up about soccer and watching clips from major games. He binge-watched and speed-read any anime or manga he’d ever heard Jooyeon mention.
When Jooyeon sat next to him and stole an earbud to hear what Jiseok was listening to, his face lit up when he recognised one of his favourite songs. When Jooyeon mentioned that there was a big game on one night, his eyes widened in surprise when Jiseok already knew exactly what teams were playing and offered to watch it with him. When Jooyeon was chatting with Hyeongjun about the latest Jujutsu Kaisen chapter, his face went blank with disbelief when Jiseok joined in.
It was working! Well… sort of. Jooyeon’s eyes were on Jiseok. Jooyeon’s smile was on Jiseok. Jooyeon’s attention was on Jiseok.
Only it wasn’t working, because Jiseok still hadn’t found that more that he so craved. If anything, he felt the itch twice as keenly, just under the surface of his skin where he couldn’t get to it—crawling and desperate and completely incomprehensible. Any day now he was sure he’d crack, and he had no idea what that would mean for him.
But it was Jooyeon who reached a breaking point first, on a lazy summer afternoon when it was just the two of them in the dorm, the others having all gone home for the break already. Jiseok was still in the clothes he’d slept in—shorts and a 5SOS T-shirt he’d pilfered from Jooyeon’s room—putting the juice back in the fridge when Jooyeon shuffled into the kitchen.
He stopped dead, staring blankly at the T-shirt. And sure, Jiseok normally liked eyes on him, especially Jooyeon’s, but there was something about this stare that made him uncomfortable.
Finally, Jooyeon let out a terse sigh and folded his arms.
“Okay, what is the deal with you lately?” he demanded, and though his stance oozed frustration, his eyes radiated concern.
Jiseok laughed awkwardly. “What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean,” said Jooyeon. “If it were just the 5SOS stuff, I could understand, but the soccer? The anime? I didn’t think you had any interest in either of those. You never used to.”
“Well,” Jiseok said awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot, fiddling with the hem of his (technically Jooyeon’s) shirt. “I guess you thought wrong. I… I just…”
Jooyeon sighed and stepped forward, taking Jiseok’s restless hands in both his own. “It’s because of me, isn’t it?” he asked in a soft voice. He stared down at their hands. “Do you think you have to like those things for me to like you, or something?”
Jiseok’s mouth went dry. His heart was beating hard but steady, his breath elevated but even. “N-no, I just…”
Jooyeon looked up and met Jiseok’s gaze, and his own was oozing with sincerity, his voice dripping with earnestness when he said, “You don’t have to do any of that, Jiseok. I like you exactly the way you are. As you. You’re already perfect. I… I like you a lot, actually.” He swallowed, Adam’s apple bobbing in a way that was strangely mesmerising.
Something lit up within Jiseok at Jooyeon’s words. I like you. You’re perfect. That sparkling, electric feeling. That feeling he’d been chasing. At the same time, he practically heard the click as the final pieces of the puzzle he’d been struggling with finally slid into place; as a light flickered to life and he could finally see exactly what he’d been looking for.
“How much?” he asked quietly. “How much do you like me, Jooyeon?”
Jooyeon blinked. His tongue darted out to wet his lips before he spoke, softly, huskily: “More than I know how to say with words.”
“Then,” said Jiseok, his pounding heart rendering him breathless, “show me.”
For a long moment, everything was still, as if time had slowed to a stop. Jooyeon’s hands were slightly sweaty where they clasped Jiseok’s, his eyes wide, warmest brown, shining. Then he broke the stillness, leaned that little bit closer, and kissed Jiseok.
What little breath that lingered in Jiseok’s lungs abruptly fled. His and Jooyeon’s hands leapt away from each other, only so that Jooyeon’s could find their place on Jiseok’s waist and Jiseok’s could roam Jooyeon’s shoulders and caress the back of his neck.
It was a brief but frantic kiss, and when they broke away they were both gasping for air.
“Does that give you an idea?” Jooyeon asked, pupils blown wide.
Jiseok shook his head, swallowing several times before he could speak. “Not quite,” he said. “Show me more.”
So Jooyeon kissed him again, and fairy lights twinkled all through Jiseok’s system even as a new kind of hunger welled up within him. He kissed Jooyeon back, eagerly parting his lips to allow their tongues to introduce themselves to one another, swiftly striking up a heady dance with perfect rhythm.
One of Jooyeon’s hands snaked beneath the hem of Jiseok’s shirt, tracing up his spine and sending shivers across his skin. Jiseok broke off from Jooyeon’s mouth with a gasp.
“You are beautiful, Kwak Jiseok,” Jooyeon whispered, lips reddened and glistening. “If attention was what you wanted, you had mine from the start.”
Jiseok felt a slow grin stretch his swollen lips. He pressed himself closer to Jooyeon. Sternum to sternum, navel to navel, heat flowing between them from heartbeat to heartbeat. “Good to know,” he purred. “Just don’t slack off, okay?”
Jooyeon barked a breathless laugh. “Beautiful and needy. Little attention whore,” he said. But he didn’t give Jiseok a chance to protest that accusation before capturing his lips in another fierce kiss.
And, well… Jiseok could live with being a needy attention whore if Jooyeon was willing to indulge him.