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Grief was a complicated beast.
Hilo knew she was gone, it was a fact. So then why could he still hear her talking? And see her sitting right beside him? She'd talk to him. He’d cover his ears. She'd seemingly materialize by his side. He would close his eyes. He didn't want to feel her, look at her, sense her. It still hurt him too much. It was just too fresh in his mind.
He tried to keep it to himself at first, but it became more and more obvious to his brother. D.J. had sat him down and asked what was wrong. Hilo told him that he was fine all while wondering how many more lies he'd feed the ones he loved.
It wasn't fair. None of it was. She knew how everything had to play out, she made sure it all fell into place, but the fact was that it was at the cost of her own life - her Empatis. He could feel her energy inside him, but it just made moving on harder. He had hidden the group photo of her and his friends - no, family - no longer able to look at it without feeling a painful twist of emotions.
He still wasn't used to crying, either. His human senses were still a mystery to him, but he tried his best to mask his discomfort and sadness, carefully constructing the false persona of someone completely content when in reality, he was tired. So tired. Tired of pretending, tired of forcing his now awkward and strained laugh, tired of living without her. He had just gotten her back, and before he even had a moment to blink, she was gone again. But this time for good.
He could barely sleep now, resorting to gazing out the window at the bright stars in the dark sky. They stood out like a flicker of hope. They shone with the promise of a better life tucked away within the milky white clouds. They were the one constant force in his mind, a bookmark he could use to flip back the pages to a happier chapter, all whilst ignoring the pain of the past and future.
And yet, complicated didn't feel like a strong enough word. He could lay docile and think about everything that had happened, or he could ignore it all and let it swarm him later. Either way, it would still hurt. There was nothing he could do to ease the pain – nothing that eased his mind like staring up at the stars. It felt like it was her staring down at him, smiling that dorky and wide smile of hers all whilst telling him that she was okay.
‘Everyone on Jannus will be okay. But this is what has to happen.’
He reflected on those words on the darker nights. The nights where the clouds obscured the stars. The nights he was left to his thoughts. Those nights didn't comfort him, but he knew he needed that time to think. He would reflect on all the moments they shared, from staring up at the clouds and walking to school, all the way to the more bittersweet memories, like when he held her for the last time.
On those nights he'd remind himself he already had a star to gaze at. Her Empatis inside him. He could look back on everything that happened with a newfound sense of clarity, he could understand how all the pieces fit. But he didn't understand why she had to leave.
Tonight was a more painful night. The stars were only partially visible, and he found himself outside this time around, seated in the grass with his knees close to his chest. He stared down at his hands, and then back up at the sky. It hurt to think about it, but he couldn't keep running from it. He knew that. That was the one thing she had told him before leaving.
With a sigh, he laid his back down in the grass, arms and legs spread out across the backyard as he looked up with lidded eyes. He knew he was tearing up again, but he let it happen. He reached a hand up at the sky before clenching his palm into a fist. He held the position for a moment before laying his arm back down beside him.
It was never going to stop hurting, that he knew. But he'd work around it; learn how to live alongside it. And who knew, maybe he could find a way to speak to her just one last time. The world was a magical place, after all.
With newfound resolve and comfort, Hilo stood up, ready to head back inside. However, something stopped him, and he looked up at the sky, watching the sun slowly rise. Letting out a breath he didn't even know he was holding in, he wiped his eyes and spoke.
“Good night. Love you, Izzy. Wherever you are, I hope you know that you're outstanding, and that I miss you."