Chapter Text
I closed my eyes as I drank fresh water, how refreshing, how thirsty I was. Today, it was sunny and hot, just like every summer in Rome. The crowd in the city and gathering by the Colosseum didn’t help, I felt like I was suffocating sometimes as I escorted my Emperor to watch the games. My heavy armor was sticking to my damp clothes, dirt and dust mingling with the sweat on my skin…yet I remained focused, my eyes glued on my Emperor as he walked before me.
I was proud and honored to serve Commodus, just like the rest of the Praetorians and people of the army. Soldiers loved Commodus because he valued the army, valued their lives and rewarded them as due. And he was a fighter, a good one, training every day at various disciplines. We were all devoted to him, but I was even more. I had joined the army on the day Commodus was announced to succeed to the great Marcus Aurelius, I fought hard to be the best, be noticed. And here I was, 2 years after I had joined the Praetorian unit, his personal guard, the closest one could get to the Emperor.
I detailed him as I did so many times, he was strongly built from all the exercise he did every day, from hunting to wrestling and any other gladiatorial skills. His posture confident, as if nothing could stop him on his way, his right fist was slightly closed, a sign of tension. Since the start of my service for Commodus I had noticed how stressed he was, obsessed by what people thought of him, it was a daily worry for him. Added to that the growing influence of Maximus, making him fear for his life. My gaze was briefly distracted by a roman lady wanting to get close to Commodus and touch him, I pushed her away strongly; no one could touch him, even if I wish I could…to bury my fingers in his silky hair or kiss his scarred lips. I quickly shook my head to focus once again, the more time passed and the more I struggled with my growing feelings for my Emperor. Hearing agitation behind him, the Emperor turned his head, making brief eye contact with me. I had chills running down my spine, those icy eyes noticing me… what did he think of me? Was he mad? Was he thankful? The truth was that he didn’t think any of those, he just didn’t care, our eye contact was merely an accident. But I was blinded by my feelings, leaving a true fantasy in my mind.
Once the Emperor sat and I stood at my position, I finally could relax: unlike my fellows, I didn’t watch the games. My eyes were locked on Commodus, observing his every reaction. I smiled as he cheered during the chariot race, he was enjoying himself freely, a boyish look of wonder in his eyes, a big smile on his face. I wanted this moment to last forever, me and him…watching the games together, side by side. After a moment, I noticed he didn’t have any wine left and the slave filling his glass was too absorbed by the games. I clenched my jaw, such a poor service. So, without thinking, I decided to take care of it on my own. I put my shield aside and grabbed the amphora from the slave’s hands, approaching the emperor. Commodus didn’t react at first, too absorbed by the games to notice the difference.
“Your Highness.” I spoke without thinking once I had filled his glass. His eyes shot at me, at first angry a slave had dare to speak to him. But he quickly noticed my black armor, a brief flash of surprise passed through his eyes before understanding I had served him. And as soon as his eyes landed on me, they went back to watching the games as if I was nothing. And I was, but I kept hoping to be noticed.
In fact, that day the Emperor’s good mood didn’t last long: Maximus…that former general was being a problem and a big one. Of course, I knew he was a traitor and to be executed but the man was good at gathering the crowd on his side. Commodus was growing worried, his fingers nervously brushing over his lips, pinching them sometimes. Anger was radiating off him, to the point that even I and my fellow guards stayed quiet to not receive his anger. His eyes were filled with hatred and…fear. In fact, I supposed that from the start the Emperor was afraid, everyone knew how much pressure he always had on his shoulders, how much people constantly compared him to his father and how dangerous Maximus was for his reign. I was taken by empathy for Commodus, did no one care to give him a chance to prove himself? I would have, a thousand times…
To say the rest of the day went terrible was an understatement. The crowd cheering Maximus’ name instead of honoring Commodus for organizing such great games. The senators whispering their critics while looking at the Emperor and then even Commodus’s sister, Lucilla, not understanding his anger and frustrations. It ended into a fight; Commodus went to lock himself in his private quarters. On his way he briefly came closer to me. “Make sure no one disturbs me, not even my nephew and sister.” He ordered me before slamming the door shut. I took a deep breath, calming my racing heart, any slight attention from him made me lose my means; but I wouldn’t disappoint him, I was ready to stay awake all night to make sure my comrades would accomplish their shift properly.
But after a hot day full of challenges, the quietness and the cool temperature of the night was getting the best of me, I was struggling against my eyelids getting heavier each time, refusing to end my shift, wanting to impress my Emperor. I leaned against my spear, doing my best not to stumble from sleepiness. When suddenly I was startled by the door of the Emperor opening, almost dropping my spear but a hand caught it. I turned my head and saw that Commodus had caught my spear. He wasn’t in his night robes, probably suffering from a sleepless night. I blushed and swallowed down as I met his eyes; he was tired and yet couldn’t sleep.
“Careful. You should go to sleep if you are tired. Otherwise, how can you fulfill your duty?” he asked, his voice surprisingly soft, not a trace of anger in it. I quickly bowed at him, my face all red.
“My deepest apologies, Your Highness! I wanted…you said to make sure no one would disturb you.” I explained, feeling like an idiot, he would surely think I didn’t trust my comrades in watching over him. My words were followed by a moment of silence. But then I heard the most melodious thing I ever heard, a laugh, he was chuckling at my words, slightly smiling.
“I appreciate your devotion. That won’t be forgotten, it will even be rewarded.” He replied honestly, he appreciated me! In fact, he was probably just craving for people he could trust. As I was about to bow again, he stopped me.
“I can’t find sleep, I’m craving to train, my day sitting and eating dates wasn’t satisfying at all.” He said, I had noticed he tended to nibble on food often during the day, probably a reaction to stress. “Come with me. I will test your skills.” He added, in other words he was ordering me to spare with him in the middle of the night. I was honored and excited about this, yet I hoped to satisfy him.
Before I could understand what was happening, I was on my way, walking by the side of the Emperor, just us, in the moonlight. Perhaps I was overly romantic and imaging things but that walk, as quiet as it was felt intimate. We walked to the private training ground of the Emperor, also where us, the praetorians trained in our free time.
“What is your name?” he asked as he stretched a little, looking at me intensely.
“Y/N, Your Highness.” I replied, bowing my head once again while he nodded. I swear if he starts calling me by my name, I would be a very poor training partner.
“Let’s start with wrestling. If you are good enough for me, we will move onto swords.” He spoke, his voice more excited now, eager to train and perhaps vent.
“Yes, Your Highness.” I replied, putting down my spear, shield, sword, chest plate and helmet. I could feel Commodus gaze on me, observing me, analyzing me.
“You are a curious one.” He stated, approaching me and circling around me slowly, the fight had started. “I never noticed you before. Until today, 3 times you found yourself on my path. I’m curious as to why the gods seem to put you there.” He added, launching his first attack since I didn’t dare to. I quickly blocked his attack, pushing him away as if I was troubled to feel his touch on my skin.
“Forgive me if it upset you. I assure you that it is not intentional, I simply intervened when I considered you were not being served properly.” I replied, doing my best to look at him, I shouldn’t disappoint him by being a poor training partner, I had instead to secure my place as such and more perhaps. So, I attacked, grabbing his shoulders, and with my legs trying to make him lose balance. As my body was half pressed against his, I felt how strong he was, easily standing his ground without any hint of fear. He grinned, pleased that I was finally fighting back and showing part of my abilities.
“And you did serve me well. How far would you go for me?” he asked. The question took me by surprise, but I already knew the answer: I would do anything for him, from the most humiliating things to the biggest sacrifice, my own life. I heavily blushed at those thoughts and stumbled, dragging by the mistake the Emperor in my fall. He landed right on top of me, I groaned before understanding and looking at him with wide eyes. He was straddling me, an amused look in his eyes. “So? What would you do for me soldier?” he asked again.
I swallowed down, trying to avoid my body getting any reaction from this embarrassing position. For a brief moment I got lost in his icy eyes, how handsome he was…but I suddenly reversed positions, taken by passion, finding myself on top of him, a position that could lead to my death, but I didn’t think clearly in that precise moment. This time Commodus seemed to be the one taken aback, staring at me, his gaze getting lost in mine, did he find me to his liking? Did he notice something? Was he secretly planning my execution?
“I would do anything, Imperator. I would die of a slow and painful death, take the blame for you, I would serve you whatever as a slave, exoleti* or your right hand…!” I answered passionately, my voice louder than his, I was proud of what I felt for him. Commodus stared at me in amazement, his heart swelling with affection, this was all he ever wanted from his people, a complete and pure devotion. However, no matter how pleased he was by my answer, he couldn’t let me win so easily, the Emperor was always fighting until his last breath, with honor. He instantly grabbed my throat and used a thrust of his hips to balance his weight to push me over. I struggled against him, sometimes grabbing his leg to try to immobilize him. But he suddenly managed to twist around, giving an elbow kick in my liver, a dirty move but clever one anyway; I gasped in pain, briefly clenching my belly before suddenly being thrown on the sand, face first, Commodus twisting my arm behind my back, not too painful but enough to prevent me from struggling.
“To honor your good words soldier. I grant you the victory over this fight.” He said quietly, detailing me in a way that made me understand to be thankful for it, as he got up, not bothering to dust himself off “Your Emperor is pleased, Y/N” he added with a small smile and leaned closer to me to whisper “I shall keep you close. For when the time comes.” He murmured before parting me, his voice gave me goosebumps, how much my heart melted! I bowed my head respectfully, relieved that the darkness of the night was covering my red cheeks. Yet I was disappointed our first sparing was so short, probably that Commodus himself had been surprised by my attitude. I escorted back my Emperor to his chambers but before closing the doors, he turned to look at me.
“Prepare yourself. I wish to train with you in the coming days. I want you to give better than your best.” He instructed before closing the door. I didn’t know how to process the news; it was a great honor and yet great pressure. It seems like the Emperor was preparing for war, quite literally, he wanted to fight that gladiator…?
I was eager for my next training session with Commodus but several days passed without it happening. I often looked at Commodus with hope, but he was ignoring me, pretending we didn’t know each other at all. I kept escorting him the whole day, anywhere he went, even discreetly receiving teasing from my comrades.
“Hey, stop looking at him that way, are you in love or what?” they chuckled, making me heavily blush, I gave them a nudge of my shoulder, clenching my jaw. Men who loved men weren’t especially highly regarded in Rome, even more passive men. No one imagined Commodus as a passive man so of course I would suffer that reputation.
“I’m just assuring his security, better than you all. Are you jealous because I was honored to train with him?” I retorted; they well knew the Emperor had chosen me for training. My words made them silent, and I grinned proudly, back to my confident self once again. I was soon distracted by a conversation I overheard.
“Brother, you can’t fight in the Colosseum. The Senate will laugh at you and the people of Rome will think they are governed by gladiator. This is not the place of an Emperor.” Said Lucilla seriously even if her tone seemed slightly cautious as if she feared him.
“The senators won’t laugh as I cut the head of my adversary and throws it at their faces. Just like the people always loved me because I know how to fight, protect them, a hero, a Hercules. I am the People, my soldiers and praetorians are my family.” He told his sister passionately. He was decided and no one could change his mind “Even your son understands better the stakes than you do.” He said pained that even his sister didn’t understand him nor supported him.
“Commodus please-” tried again Lucilla.
“Enough.” He interrupted her, now frustration obvious in his tone, he was losing patience. And I could hear him walk away from her, grab a cup of wine to drink it “Leave, sister. I need to prepare myself for the fight. Do not mention your views again.” He ordered. I was tempted to comfort my Emperor, show him my support but that would be totally out of place and inappropriate. Suddenly his sister busted out of his quarters, almost slamming the door into our noses since we listened to the whole conversation. She turned around and looked at me, a mix of anger and veiled intentions.
“Since my brother refuses to listen to his own sister, perhaps he will listen to soldiers since he says they are his true family.” She started “Try to make sure he doesn’t become more the laughingstock than he already is.” She whispered. I clenched my jaw at her words, how humiliating and how wrong she was. The Senate mocked him but never the people. But I maintained my composure and bowed my head at her, I would always watch after him, even if Commodus ordered me not to.
The sleepless nights followed, Commodus becoming even more restless, his insomnia driven by deep anxiety and every night we trained together in the imperial palace. We didn’t talk as much as the first time and the Emperor needed to vent, but the looks he gave me were stronger than any word. Despair, worry, fear, melancholia. I fought as hard as I could against him, sometimes winning over him and sometimes losing. But Commodus wasn’t giving up, he had the will of a bull and never ended a training session on a defeat. However, the night on the eve of the fight was different…
We were training as usual, our bodies sweaty for the heat of the night. We had been training for nearly two hours now, I was tempted to tell my Emperor to stop and rest for the fight of tomorrow, but I knew he would have declined, he was deadly anxious, and I could feel it; his attacks were less controlled, no strategy behind them, more desperate. He started hitting and hitting repeatedly, I could only block and let him attack and attack until he slipped from the strength of his attack and fell on the ground, panting. I was about to offer him my hand to stand but I heard a noise I never thought I would hear…he was crying, his face against his forearm, some tears landing on the hot sand, his sobs resonating in the silent night. I was at a loss for words. I didn’t know whatever turn around to give him some privacy or take him in my arms. His whole body was trembling, he was having a mental breakdown. How many bad thoughts and feelings he had cumulated inside him since the death of his father, bottling them up inside, so much that it had to explode at one moment or the other.
I ended up kneeling in front of him, my hand reaching out, wanting to caress his hair but I resigned myself and put my hand on his shoulder, gently. He didn’t flinch but froze. I feared I was going to anger him so I retracted my hand instantly, pale on my face.
“Your Highness! I am so sorry I didn’t mean to…!” he stood up, his face emotionless thought red and stained with tears. He had realized he was letting himself being weak in front of a stranger.
“I was crying of joy for the battle to come. Thank you for your training soldier. You can retire now.” he spoke, his voice cold, he was obviously meaning the opposite, terrified to die, to be ridiculed and forgotten. I stood up as well and deeply bowed at him.
“At your service, Your Highness. Anything you desire I will accomplish”. I added fondly before leaving in a hurry, thoughtful over what just happened. As I went further away in the direction of the soldier’s barracks, I could faintly hear more sobs, Commodus had decided to remain alone, hide himself to cry.
Once on my bed, I laid for hours awake, relieving that scene again and again. I was growing worried, wishing I could do more to help my dear Commodus. Especially as I had a bad feeling about tomorrow. And I couldn’t be righter.
The first lights of the day came too fast, the atmosphere in the Imperial Palace was like thunder, as if once spark could make everything burn. Commodus’s face was even more ashen than mine, bag underneath his eyes which were red from crying, he looked rather miserable. Even if his beautiful white armor crafted especially for the occasion was astounding. As he tightened his sheath belt around his waist, he briefly glanced at me, a brief weak smile in his eyes.
“Your Highness…would you give me the honor to assist?“ I asked before thinking that I could sound disrespectful. But with a wave of his hand, he dismissed the slaves around.
“After all, a soldier knows better than a slave on how to prepare the Emperor for a fight.” he replied softly and gestured for me to come closer. I obeyed and detailed him, wanting to make sure he was perfect. I noticed the belts on the sides of his armor weren’t so well tightened. “Allow me.” I breathed, lightly pressing my hand against his waist as I tightened the belt, I could feel the tip of my ears burning. Once I was done, I took a step back; his eyes were locked on me “His Majesty is beyond perfection as always. May the gods grant me the honor of that sight every day until I die.” I murmured, I couldn’t help but fear for his life and I had to expose my feelings more, to give him a reason to fight harder, he wasn’t alone. He swallowed down and briefly closed his eyes to thank me. Perhaps he was finally understanding that there could be someone else than his sister in his life.
The moment of truth arrived, the moment that I was praying the gods to never let arrive. When the Emperor got up to walk towards the arena, my heart skipped a beat in anxiety, now beating like crazy. My hand instinctively wanted to reach out at him, like a mom wanting to keep her cub safe. But I couldn’t keep him safe, I was completely useless for my Commodus right now, what a humiliation. Everything I could do was joining my comrades in watching the fight, I couldn’t help but look at Maximus with hate, and I think the others noticed, since I heard whispering and giggling around me, what a bunch of morons.
Despite the hate I was feeling, my mind was begging him to spare his adversary, to not go too harsh on him, but deep down I knew my pleads were being wasted.
The fight soon started, the crowd around cheering, some calling Maximus’s name, others calling the Emperor, which seemed so pleased by his people loving him. Those calls and shouts were giving him strength, he was dominating the gladiator in that fight, his confidence growing with his skills at every right attack. I was starting to believe the gods – and maybe Maximus – had listened to my prayers. But I was wrong.
Soon a grunt of pain could be heard resonating from the arena, plenty of people gasping, while others cheered louder, excitedly calling the gladiator’s name. I saw in horror the Emperor holding his own shoulder, the sword flew far from him as his hand was stained in his own blood. Yet he was keeping such a proud expression, outraged by the audacity that gladiator had for wounding him that way. With great surprise and pleasure, I noticed Maximus stumble, his gaze lost and visibly tired, he was holding his own hip, or maybe stomach, I couldn’t see well. Commodus looked towards Quintus, not sure he could trust him at that moment, but he had no choice.
“Quintus, a sword!” He ordered, sometimes staring at Maximus to control him. Quintus didn’t move. He was like a wax statue, immobile, observing the show, almost amused at the sight of his Emperor struggling without his sword.
“GIVE ME YOUR SWORD!” ordered Commodus again in a yell, his arm still bleeding, his eyes wide with worry and adrenaline. Quintus ignored him once again, silently mocking him, reminding him once again he was alone in that battle. I retained myself with all my strengths from reaching him to murder him on the spot, what a bastard. Commodus’s expression went from worried to panicked when Quintus didn’t help him, he started frantically looking around, at everyone, his eyes pleading for a hint of solidality.
“A SWORD, GIVE ME A SWORD!” He kept begging, screaming, on the verge of tears probably, as he looked in fear Maximus recovering strength slowly despite his tragic conditions. Quintus finally moved, approaching the guards around the Emperor and the gladiator, ordering them to put back the swords in their sheaths.
I looked at Quintus and my comrades, what were they doing? Why was no one handing a sword to their Emperor!? My heart started to explode in my chest, pumping so hard in could barely hear my racing thoughts.
“TRAITORS” I yelled at them and quickly unsheathed my sword and ran to Commodus before anyone could stop me. He seemed to realize that once again I was there for him, his eyes full of appreciation, and other emotions I couldn’t exactly describe in that moment. I sincerely smiled, probably more than I should have, but it didn’t matter at that moment, I was just happy to help him gain that win. I grabbed my sword by the blade, handing it to him from the side of the handle, so he could have another confirmation he could trust me fully, I got myself a bleeding hand for him.
“Get back at your place. Now.” He ordered to me with a powerful voice, wanting to show anger towards me, so I immediately obeyed, so I could observe him proudly fight like we practiced so many times, also enjoying the gaze of absolute defeat in Quintus’s face and on the face of many senators that were probably craving to see their Emperor fall in disgrace in the arms of death.
The fight stopped following certain rules and techniques when Maximus was half dead and Commodus deadly tired, both attacking each other with the only strength the taste of victory could give. I was partly reassured that he had a weapon, but my heart didn’t stop racing, it wouldn’t until Maximus was dead. Especially that I could feel Commodus’ exhaustion and started to worry he might be dying too. But soon, his sword in a last desperate attack pierced Maximus chest…the battle finished, Commodus tossed the sword I gave him next to the gladiator’s corpse, many people celebrating his victory. With my soul, I was among those people too, a big smile appeared on my face, proud of my Emperor and even more in love. I was so relieved he was finally victorious and safe.
That night, I was exhausted. I was barely able to stand up and keep escorting the Emperor as he celebrated his victory. I couldn’t wait to enjoy myself a deep and prolonged slumber after sleepless nights spent on training Commodus. All that lack of rest had been worth it at the end, I ended up thinking, relieved. As I came back to realitty, my eyes met Commodus’s ones again, my heart skipped another beat. This time, his gaze was way softer than the first time, which gave my soul such a warmth that only the purest of deities could give. He was probably retiring in his chamber as well, before quickly approaching me.
“I think that behind every successful leader, stands a loyal man like you, Y/N.” He spoke with gentleness. “Thank you.” He then said, smiling a bit. I smiled back, warmed up even more, in fact my cheeks were red, his words were simply too much to handle for my heart.
“It’s been an honor being at your service, Your Highness… being by your side during training and during the battle was a duty and a pleasure.” I told him, bowing. He openly appreciated that bow, and gently bowed his head as well in return.
“Very well… since you’re so open to service, I would appreciate your presence for another nocturn walk.” he dropped, rather joyful. He already went on his way, dismissing any slave following. I followed eagerly; I was the only remaining Praetorian, all the others had been executed already, just like the traitorous senators. Only Lucilla was left but sent to exile on Capri while her son Lucius would remain by the side of the Emperor to succeed him.
Soon we were alone walking among the imperial gardens. Commodus took a deep breath, enjoying fresh air in his lungs after a day in the burning sand of the Colosseum. His head turned towards me, as he came to a halt. “You can rest at ease. I wish to speak with you privately, not as your Emperor but as a friend.” he instructed softly. By the gods, tonight he had a talent to make me feel weak. I took off my helmet and set aside my spear. “Thanks to you Y/N I got to clear my surroundings. And I should thank Maximus who enabled me to expose those ready to stab me in the back. Now the Empire is anew, off to a fresh start, an Empire at my image.” he smiled and appraoched me once again. “An Empire where you have your place by my side.” he said with a pleased smile, his eyes detailing my face, briefly seeming to focus on my lips. “Tell me Y/N. Days ago you declared being ready to do anything for me, even being an exoleti*… was it by pure devotion to your duty or is that devotion rooted elsewhere?” he asked. He was a clever man, he had surely noticed my lingering looks, a devotion so foolish that I faced danger without thinking. I looked down, feeling embarasssement, perhaps I should tell him, otherwise how could he trust me?
“His highness is right, my devotion to your person goes beyond duty. Forgive me if my words offend you, but I have grown fond of you. You are a man of great intelligence and sensitivity, who is not afraid of following his passions, a fresh air in the Empire. I found myself wishing to train more with you, to...hold you in my arms when you cannot sleep, to kiss your tears away as you cry…and to worship your body as I would worship the one of Phoebus*” I confessed, daring to look at him in the eyes and now awaiting for my punishement for insulting my Emperor. But nothing came, not a blow, a shout or cold blade. Instead Commodus was watching me intensely, his face almost boyish, as if his cold mask had cracked.
“Would you stay with me tonight then?” he asked, his breathing slightly increasing, his eyes filled with an hopeful glow. So many times his request had been rejected by his sister and others that he expected the same. I swallowed damn, barely managing to believe what he was suggesting me but it was now or never.
“I would be a great honor your highness.” he replied, kneeling in front of him and taking his hand, kissing his imperial ring fondly. He snorted, relieved and started smiling, relaxed and genuinely happy.
“Please, call me Commodus.” he cooed, a fresh start for his Empire indeed.
*Male prostitute
*Phoebus: god of masculine beauty, arts , poetry and of the Sun