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“Did you all hear what happened to Dr. McKay?”
“I heard it was a giant whale that swallowed him whole. He was stuck inside for three whole days before Ronon ripped the whale’s mouth open and Sheppard swam in, pulled McKay free, both of them coming out covered in stomach guts. Only McKay was really pissed because the whale could charge ZPM’s with its saliva but now it’s dead.”
“Well, I heard he blew up half the city with one of his whacked experiments trying to reverse engineer that device we found.”
“Which one?”
“You know, the one on PX4-231.”
“The mutant rubber ducky creation machine?”
“No, that was PX4-232.”
“Oh, you mean the raging volcano, time-loop, plot-hole fixing machine?”
“Rodriguez, you are so full of shit.”
“Who says?”
“I think we’d notice if half the city blew up.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe we just think we’re here.”
“You two have it so wrong. I heard it was tentacle monsters. They snuck right up behind him and shot right up his—”
“Oh my god, Marlie, don’t even finish that sentence. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“It’s just what I heard.”
“I heard Colonel Sheppard finally admitted his feelings, went in for a kiss, and McKay was so surprised and shocked that he literally imploded. Atlantis was so upset so she unemploded him, locked them in a room, and refused to open the door until they explored their feelings. He got heavily injured when they tried to claw their way out instead.”
“That’s likely enough.”
“We’re trying to tell far fetched tales, Lewis. We’re not supposed to be realistic.”
“Okay, how about Sheppard admitted his feelings and the replicators decided to throw them an engagement party complete with torture, cake, and the destruction of all physics laws?”
“...I guess that’s mildly less likely.”
“And then they grew wings and horns and embraced the magic of friendship with the Wraith?”
“Now you’re getting it.”
“Did you hear? He tried showing up to his lab today?”
“No way. Covered in all those bandages?”
“Yeah. Beckett came and chased him away though. Something about concussions, pulled stitches, and threats of impending death if he didn’t go back to the infirmary right away.”
“Beckett was so mad McKay had left against medical advice. I hear he actually put McKay in restraints to keep him in the infirmary.”
“McKay was so loopy from the sedation he started propositioning Ronon thinking Ronon was Sheppard, telling Ronon he was the sweetest, most delicious honeysuckle he’d ever met and he really wanted to swallow his nectar.”
“Yeah, I heard that, too. Sheppard was so jealous his eartips caught on fire.”
“Is that how the nurses made S’mores?”
“It’s better to just eat and not ask.”
“Did you see the present Sheppard brought him?”
“Probably condoms.”
“And lube.”
“And a flogger…What?”
“You are so weird, Lewis.”
“Says Marlie who tried for tentacle monsters.”
“In all seriousness, do you think he’ll be okay?”
“Beckett said he’d pull through.”
“He lost so much blood, his team looked like they’d taken a bath in it.”
“I’ve seen mummy’s covered in less bandages.”
“Sheppard hasn't left his side. He thinks no one notices when he holds McKay’s hands.”
“Or kisses his forehead.”
“They really are oblivious, aren’t they?”
“Teyla’s been trying to convince Sheppard to take a break but he won’t budge. His whole team has camped out and even Beckett isn't trying to kick them out.”
“So what really happened?”
“No one will say.”
“Something bad, for sure.”
“The way they look at him…all of them…so haunted…”
“I heard he was tortured. No joke. Some sort of trial by fire to prove he deserved to live.”
“I heard that, too. And he sacrificed himself to save all our asses. Barely survived.”
“Again?”
“Always.”
“Dwarfin and Larky barely made it out. They won’t say much, though. Said McKay pushed them out of the way just on time.”
“Of course he did. He’s got a major hero complex.”
“I hear today’s his birthday.”
“The universe really needs to give that man a break.”
“Maybe cover him in bubble wrap?”
“Atlantis can hold him in a personal shield of protection.”
“What about a collar that zaps sense into him every time he tries to do something dangerous and stupid?”
“Better him than us, though, right?”
“When it comes to tentacle monsters? Definitely.”
