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"You're not going to drown, you know that, right?"
James made a face, conflicted as he glanced down to the water. "I might," he retorted petulantly. Logically, James knew that the shallow water wouldn't be able to drown him. But something, something weirdly felt out of place.
Regulus rolled his eyes from where he stood, purposely kicked his leg and splashed some water to James' direction. "Coward," Regulus muttered.
"Hey!"
"What?" Regulus grinned, mustered his most innocent face as he kept splashing water to the other man.
"Reg I swear to Merlin if you don't stop–"
"What, James? What'd you do?" Regulus taunted, crouched down on the sand before he cupped some water using his hands.
James' eyes narrowed when he watched. "Regulus, no."
"Regulus, yes."
James shrieked when his white shirt instantly soaked by water. The cold made him shivered and for a moment he could only kept his gase as Regulus laughed. Beautiful, he thought. The most beautiful person ever walked on earth, Regulus Black was.
"You're staring," Regulus chuckled, reached out his hand and took James' glasses with genuine amusement. He placed the glasses on his face, blinked several times before he grinned again. "Nice?" Regulus asked.
James' brows knitted. "You're blurry, love. But I bet you look as pretty as always."
"Sap."
"Sod off."
"You love me."
"That I do."
"I don't."
James snorted. "Sod off."
Regulus hummed. "Never," he teased, and James found himself grinning like a lovestruck teenager.
"You better," James retorted as he pulled the other to his arms, felt the familiar warmth as he buried his face on Regulus' hair.
"Jamie."
"Yes, love?"
Regulus' smile faded, the water felt cold and the warmth disappeared as James blinked. "Regulus?"
"You have to wake up," he whispered, gentle and quiet.
"What?" James frowned, glanced around to found the beach changed to an empty room.
White walls.
White lights.
His lover with his eyes closed.
"No–"
"James, wake up."
Flat lines.
Soaked shirt.
"James."
"NO!"
Funeral.
Rain.
He was alone.
It felt wrong.
So wrong.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
The sound of an overly familiar song from the corner of the room deafened James Potter's ears the moment he first opened his eyes. Streaks of sunlight peeked through the gaps in the white curtains that waved in the cold early morning wind, the room lights which he deliberately turned off made the shadows cast even more across the walls. James was stunned – staring at the ceiling of the room which was filled with artificial plastic stars and moons with a faint glow that was eclipsed by the light of the sun.
Leo's constellation. Regulus' star.
Regulus who was very much dead two days ago.
How fucking nice. He hadn't woken up for five minutes and he already felt completely miserable.
James sat on the side of the bed, exhaling tiredly. His legs moved – took him closer to the window and parted the curtain slowly. The gleam of the sun warmed his body in a second, pampering his eyes just when he saw the combination of the sunrise and the view of the coast. Vaguely, he could pictured a boy with messy dark curls standing on his spot, staring at the same scenery, soft smiles and gentle gazes. 'Morning, love,' he would've said.
The clock froze familiarly at five and suddenly James felt like he was freezing as well.
Regulus, you fucking liar.
Loud waves hit the rocks, welcoming everyone's morning. And among people who felt grateful, James was the only one who cursed that morning. Because how dare the sea sounds so beautiful if Regulus couldn't hear it? How dare the sun shines so bright when it could never touch Regulus' skin? The sky should be fucking empty because it just lost its brightest star. A faint sounds of laughter filled his ears. It was Regulus', he noted sadly, knew that the boy would make fun of him if he knew what James just thought.
Exasperatedly, he stopped peering at the world from the window frame and turned to his kitchen. Brewing black coffee without sugar with water that he had just heated on the stove. His lips gently blew steam from a black glass before taking a sip. Bitter, he snorted, wonder why Regulus loved it so much. It just felt bitter and weird, tasted like nothing. His hands trembled as he realized faintly that he might have been a black coffee all along without him. Or maybe it was just his imagination as he read the hand written 'This one is mine, James' on the glass.
Faintly, the young man heard several people coming out of their house, and again, he found his body already heading to the front of the door, opened it slowly to find many people starting their activities. James pulled one corner of his lips, faintly scoffed when he felt his heart tingle to find that everyone was fine. As if nothing happened yesterday. How dare them? How could they even smiles and laughs in a world without Regulus on it? As much as he cared the world should explode already by then.
"Fuck." James hissed, slamming the door before going back up to his room. His fingers placed the glass on the nightstand, rubbed his face roughly and grabbed his brownish mane. He chuckled again when he heard the birds singing as if there was no tomorrow.
And for James, that was the truth.
For him, the world had ended. He didn't understand how people could go about their day as usual. He didn't understand how life still continued without caring about how battered he was. Fuck it. Fuck the birds. Fuck everything. He threw the mug and felt his heart shattered as he watched it hits his wall. James sighed, how can everyone breathe so easily while he was breathless here? He hit his chest. Once. Twice. Trying to turn tightness into pain is in vain. The clear tears that he had been holding back for a long time fell without shame. His fingers covered his face, giving up on pretending to be strong and sobbing as if no one could hear him. People said luck is a talent, James was cursed to be talentless and Regulus was the reminder of his unlucky fate.
The music was still playing faintly on the back of his mind, the black frame containing the figure of his beloved boy was still lying on the floor. Hundreds of polaroid sheets were left untouched, scattered around. Reminded James of millions of moments he wants to forget. Many times he choked up, whispering the words heisaliveheisaliveheisalive to himself as it would work as a magic charm. Hopeless prayer. That monotone, repeating song James could never stand. At their home, Regulus' laugh used to resonate heartily over the music they played. But Regulus wasn't laughing anymore.
In fact, James never understood poets who deified love. Acting like they were dying without their lover until he felt it. He's dying. Merlin, his chest hurts so much. It hurt a thousand times more because he watched what he fought for just collapse when his boyfriend wore a white suit for their wedding which, by God, was so beautiful. He felt so defeated, felt so pathetic because he couldn't do anything other than look down and close his eyes, reluctant to watch the earth swallow the tiny body of his beloved boy. He was reluctant to know how tight the earth hugged his lover when James' figure was destroyed on January 1980. And suddenly he's no longer feels completed
And the pain lingered stubbornly, just like his loves would live long after his death.
In fact, it spreads even more torturous. Reminding him to remember carefully about today, the fifth day after the extraordinary heartbreak he felt. The earth is still spinning. People were still laughing and joking around. Oxygen was still filling his lungs, and his heart was still beating regardless of the hundreds of times he said that he wanted to die. The night sky without stars was just emptiness, and his words were listened by the universe. That wasn't fair. The world didn't had the right to claim Regulus' life. Not when James wasn't leaving with him. That was poetically ironic, yet James found himself snickered.
Thirty minutes later, James found himself sitting on the floor again. Leaning back on the bed while looking at each Polaroid sheet without missing a beat. The boy's figure was smiling, their figure was laughing, a happy figure that made James miss him even more. His curls, the rings on his fingers, small tattoo on his wrist, the shade of green on his eyes. James took the sight greedily. He didn't know how long he stayed in his room because when he realized, the sun had already set and the stars had taken over the sky without any warning.
He was stunned.
James wondered again how the stars could still shine brightly even though for him the world had ended long ago. The world is over. He felt his universe melting away when his lover smiled his last smile while whispering his last words. He said, "the water won't drown you." A moment's pause, reminding him of his lover's fingers stroking his mane as he continued, "I'll see you in the morning when the sun rise again," as usual. His voice sounded watery to his ears, the usual softeness left fractured; it couldn't be right. He once thought he could have it forever. It would be nice. Perfect, even. But that wasn't how life goes on.
His memory was still wet about how cold Regulus' hands were that day. Those hands that used to be gentle when it touched James' skin, as if he was fragile. About pink lips that lost their color and the memories of how James kissed it every night to reminded him how much he loves him. About the most beautiful eyes that closed and could never look at him again every morning. He was a celestial creature who belonged in the stars, James used to said. And that was when realization hits him that his words were granted. He wouldn't get any more good morning greetings. There would no longer be a smile as warm as morning embrace to greet him. There would no longer be a place where he can lean on and talk about his day.
There was no more Regulus.
Because Regulus already went to where he belonged.
And for the first time James felt that his chest was so empty. It was as if there was a big hole that would never be closed no matter how long he waited. It made him remember that he actually had a heart. But not for long. It was over. Finished. Regulus left him. It felt like the weight of the world has come crashing down, and James couldn't bring himself to try to pick up the pieces. It was too heavy. Suffocating. He felt like he was drowning. James fought against fate and lost. His heart was empty, a punishment for his stupidity in trying to fight the universe.
He laughed.
Regulus, you fucking liar.
The song that was still playing now changed, as if a close friend of James' steps as he walked and dropped his body to sit on the sand. The familiar sight and he felt like it was those days again. When Regulus was with him and he felt fine.
Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
'Cause you don't love me anymore.
Birds still fly and sing over the endless ocean. The sea water was still the same blue, and amidst all that, James smiled, waiting for the sun to rise again just like Regulus has said. The cold night breeze didn't bother him even though he was only wearing a white shirt and black trousers with green ink stains. Memories from his lover when they painted together on the outskirts of town.
Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when I lost your love.
"Ah, you were right, the sun is rising again. Look, Reg, beautiful, isn't it?" James glanced at the empty side next to him, not sure what answer he expected and from whom when he knew there was no one there. The silence stings. "You're prettier." He whispered, felt his chest tightened when he vaguely heard Regulus' laugh echoed on his mind.
I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does.
James again let himself wander on the beach. Let his toes be stroked by the salt water that had been dripping from his eyes for some time. His chest was still tight, in fact it was getting more painful. Remus said that it'd get better with times. That James should let himself heal. But how could he? After Regulus left him and took his whole world with him?
People said those who left never really die. They didn't die on people's heart. But James' heart died with Regulus. About time until it kills him, if not sooner. And James knew it, he knew that this would be easier to handle if he just didn't care about Regulus. But he did, too much, perhaps. Will always be. But will never be enough.
Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said, 'goodbye.'
Then the last thing he remembered was how the empty hole in his chest was filled with water which also drowned his body. He felt like he was flying in the highest skies even though his body slowly reached the bottom of the deepest surface. The stars bright, dancing on his eyes. Little stars that looked too much like Regulus gleamed on the sky, flaunted down its light. By the time it reached his eyes, James reckoned the star had died for long. And the song from his room abruptly deafened when he found his lover smiling so sweetly.
"Good morning, James. I've been waiting for you. See? The sun is shining again."