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Everything's fine, it's fine, he's moving and he's fine and everyone is safe so everything is fine until they get back to Kei Lumenura and Aelwyn wants to know what the fuck happened. She's got an arm around Adaine's neck, hard and possessive, but Adaine looks weirdly pleased about it and that's still new enough that Riz is noticing that before he tunes in to what the others are saying.
Voices layered over each other, trying to all tell the same story at the same time.
"We were in The Ball's briefcase, but we weren't—"
"—Mordred Manor was all spooky, like, even spookier than usual—"
"—and Riz's romance partner was there, this weird thing named Baron—"
"He's not my romance partner," Riz grinds out, rolling his eyes, but no one hears him. They're too busy making an already bad day even worse; the story presses on, echoing around him as everyone gets louder.
"—we were looking for the curse, the thing the gods were trying to rip off of Fig—"
"—it was just Gilear's gross shit, I don't know why we—"
"—but we kept getting lost and Riz's romance partner—"
Riz pinches the bridge of his nose, his voice already getting lost among the cacophony: "He's not— we're not dating, stop saying that."
Adaine, with a wicked grin that makes her look more like Aelwyn's little sister than ever, declares, "Fabian nearly killed me."
Aelwyn rounds on Fabian, arm leaving Adaine's shoulder to reach out for him, lightning already crackling on her fingertips. "You did fucking what ?"
"It wasn't me!" Fabian cries, glaring at Adaine who manages to giggle a little. "It was fucking Baron, okay, Riz's ex like fucking possessed me and—"
"HE'S NOT." Riz explodes, and the whole room goes silent.
Riz can hear his heart hammering behind his ribs, can feel sweat on the back of his neck, and he pulls in a deep breath trying to steady himself before he makes a scene. Or even more of a scene. Everyone is staring at him. His friends are finally - for once - quiet, but they're all looking at him with surprise and concern. Not understanding, though.
Of fucking course not. Why would they understand?
“He was a product of the Nightmare King. He was what I saw in the Forest! Don’t you get what that means?! I made him up and he fucking haunts me and you guys can’t spend two godsdamn seconds putting the pieces together to—" Riz tugs his glasses off his face, covering his eyes with his palm. “Just fucking stop it.”
“Okay,” Fig says. Immediately, but not so fast that it feels like she’s placating him. She’s just agreeing without reservation. “We’ll stop. It’s over.” And that should be enough, just the knowledge that they’ll let this go, but the tension in his shoulders and back is still coiled tight, his hands are still shaking, and he wonders idly if this is what Gorgug feels like when he goes into a rage.
It’s not enough that they’ll stop now, he realizes. Not really. Not just because he blew up. He needs them to actually understand for once what he’s dealing with: the campaign and the classes and the mystery and the tutoring and now he’s on the school staff and, yeah, they’re all busy right now but he’s the one keeping them in line. Baron’s just the straw that’s broken the camel’s back.
(It’s so much easier to be angry about this.)
“You guys all left the shit you faced in the Forest. He was in my briefcase. He said he could never be far from me. I thought I was over it, I thought I killed him but - guess what! - turns out he fucking can’t die, I guess? So I’m just supposed to be dealing with this fear forever? I can’t— he haunts— what he is, what he represents, still… I may have conquered it in the Nightmare Forest, but I still brought it home with me.”
Riz raises a shaking hand and runs it through his hair, chest heaving. Fig is looking at him like he’s a puzzle; Adaine and Gorgug look horrified, though he can’t tell if it’s at him or what he’s saying. Fabian has taken a full two steps back, and Kristen’s nodding slowly, the way she did with Cassandra back in the mall. Aelwyn, strangely, looks vaguely impressed and raises a challenging eyebrow when he catches her eye, but before he can parse what that’s supposed to mean, Ragh speaks up.
“Why’re you afraid of Baron, dude? I mean, besides the obvious. Why’d you make him up?”
Something cold slides down into Riz’s stomach, the forgotten but only logical endpoint to drawing everyone’s attention to his own persistent fear. The only thing worse than them knowing was him having to say it out loud and watching their faces as they realize how different he is. Riz isn’t sure he can do that, and isn’t that the damnedest part?
On top of everything else, he’s still too scared to say it, too scared of what happens when they know for sure how weird he is, how different he is.
Gods forbid they just leave it alone. Or couldn’t they put the clues together for once? Hadn’t this been enough evidence for them to solve for X? Couldn’t they just figure it out, the way they all knew Kristen was gay two years ago? Why did his coming out have to be a whole angry production, so much bigger and more public than he had ever imagined or wanted. Why couldn’t they just know and leave it there?
“Hey, Riz, you don’t have to answer that question if you don’t want to,” Adaine says.
Aelwyn elbows Ragh in the stomach: “Oh yeah, dude, nevermind.”
“But also!” Kristen pipes up, “we’re here to listen. If you want to maybe get some hot cocoa and we can have a sit-down, really get deep into what’s going on. You’re so quiet about yourself, man, I bet it would be super cool to learn more about what’s going on with you!”
Mortified and furious in equal measure, Riz extends both hands and flips Kristen off. “Rude but fair, I suppose, but— oh.”
The black ring on his right middle finger. The white ring on his left.
He knows, or rather hopes, that Kristen knows what they mean. He learned about them from a book about queer identities and cultures that he borrowed (stole) from her bedroom after spring break. If anyone would see them and know what they meant without him having to say it, it would be her.
Kristen lurches forward, arms out, but then stops herself at the last second as Riz flinches back. He can feel his shoulders touching his ears. “Do you, I’m sorry, can I give you a hug? It’s okay if you say no, but I would really like to hug you.” He still feels wound up as tight as a spring. He knows Kristen’s trying and wants to meet her there, but he’s not sure he could handle it right now. Riz manages a shrug and Kristen frowns and just reaches for his hand instead, cupping his palm gently with hers in a hold so light Riz could twitch and pull away.
Kristen kneels down in front of him, an acknowledgement of their height difference that usually makes Riz annoyed but it feels different this time. Sincere.
“That was fucked up,” she says, as serious as she’s ever been. “And I’m sorry. For us, and for what happened, and for the forest, and for never asking. That’s fucked up, and I know the fear stuff you guys dealt with in the Forest can’t always be, like, talked away, but if… if you were worried about us? If we were making that fear worse? Riz, you don’t have to be scared about that, man. We’re not going anywhere.”
Riz’s throat feels tight. “I can’t even get you guys to agree on a college.”
“Going to college together isn’t a requirement for the Bad Kids to be a thing,” Fig says a little defensively, glancing over at Kristen to see if she’s reading the tone of the conversation correctly.
Fabian doesn’t even try to guess: “What the fuck are we all talking about right now?”
“Oh, Riz is aromantic and asexual.”
Everyone stops looking at Riz and turns to stare at Ragh. He blinks and then looks terrified: “Fuck! Was I not supposed to say that?! I thought that was—” he throws up both middle fingers, “—I thought that was you coming out! Sick as hell way to do it, dude. Absolute legend . Welcome to the family.”
Riz raises the hand Kristen’s not holding and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Thanks, Ragh.”
“Oooh,” Adaine sighs. Fig snaps her fingers. Gorgug nods. Fabian only looks slightly less confused. “Oh, okay, I can see how we got there from here,” Adaine says.
“Really?!” Fabian counters.
“Fabian, c’mon.”
“The Ball doesn’t want to get his kisses in so he made a creepy doll?”
Kristen’s hand slides up to Riz’s shoulder, holding him in place while she levels a glare at Fabian. “He didn’t make –”
“No, you’re right, poor wording, I apologize. The Ball— Riz —nobody cares about that.”
Riz rolls his eyes. “You do. All of you. All the godsdamn time.”
“Well sure, we care about getting our kisses in, but that doesn’t mean you have to!”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it,” Fabian says, with an air of finality.
And maybe he’s right. Maybe nobody will give Riz a hard time about getting his kisses in ever again. Maybe Riz won’t feel Baron breathing down his neck in the spring when the posters go up for the school sweetheart dance. Maybe it really was this easy after all, maybe all that worrying was for nothing, and maybe Baron won’t be staring up at him the next time he opens his briefcase.
Maybe. But things are rarely so easy for the Bad Kids.
“Okay. Um. Sorry for blowing up–”
“No!” comes a chorus of voices, each of his friends jostling to get closer. There are hands on his head, his shoulders, his elbow.
“We were assholes,” Fig says. “You were totally right to call us out. We weren’t listening to you and we should’ve noticed when the joke wasn’t funny anymore.”
Gorgug hangs his head sheepishly. “Um. Also sorry for… I think maybe we’ve all been kind of on edge lately, and we pushed you over. And maybe if I hadn’t needed so much help with my homework—”
“Don’t worry about it,” Riz says automatically, the words instinctive, but Kristen interrupts with, “Oh please, I have driven him up so many walls lately, this is definitely my fault—”
“I think you all need to sleep,” Aelwyn interrupts, inserting herself into the conversation with all the imperiousness of the eldest person in the room. “You just got attacked by multiple gods and then chased through a haunted house by a nightmare. Go the fuck to sleep and continue this sappy apology train in the morning.”
Everyone gets quiet and looks at Riz; they’re taking their cues from him. On one hand, it’s nice: the deference to his wants and needs after everything that’s happened. On the other hand: he’s so tired of making the decisions.
“I could use a nap,” he says, and based on his friends’ expressions this may be the first time he has ever admitted to needing sleep.
Fabian picks him up and throws him over his shoulder; Gorgug immediately lifts him away and carries Riz much more gently against his chest. Unbothered, Fabian grabs Adaine and Fig’s elbows, nods at Ragh to grab Kristen, and starts leading them into the chateau. “Let’s go, there are elven sheets upstairs and I’m not sleeping on anything but them tonight.”
“That okay with you?” Gorgug asks quietly, jostling Riz a little in his arms.
Riz hears the question he really wants to ask. “Yeah, Gorgug. I’ll be okay.”