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They we're getting ready for bed. Squiddo was wearing some old, borrowed pajamas from Ashswag, who was currently wearing his own pajamas. He had juat gotten out from the restroom. Probably from brushing his teeth if Squiddo had to guess.
"Goodnight." Squiddo says.
"Goodnight." Ashswag replied, turning off the lamp on the side of his bed, trapping the both of them in darkness. Squiddo heard him get in the bed that she was already comfortably laying in, the noises of shuffling and pajamas against blankets drowning out the constant buzzing of questions in her head that kept her awake.
Squiddo was staying the night at Ashswag's place. Their mom was.. a lot, at times. Ashswag understood this, and offered her a place to stay anytime she needed it, and she took it with hesitancy. She appreciated the gesture, but she always felt like a burden. Ashswag constantly had to reassure her that she wasn't. That just made her feel like more of a burden.
Though, that's not what Squiddo was worried about tonight.
Her mind was buzzing about something that happened at school a few weeks ago. Some staff member had apparently mistaken her as a boy, and called her by 'sir'. She realized that she had felt more happy than confused by the end of the confrontation. Though, that just left her even more confused, but nothing could beat the absolute euphoria that was left in her chest after that.
And that's what confused her.
She turned to lay on her back, head resting comfortably against the hoard of pillows Ashswag had on his bed. She let her hands rest on her stomach, intertwined with each other. She won't be able to sleep like this, she knows it. She's had too many restless nights thinking about why she feels that way, and if it's even acceptable. After a bit of research, she figured out what being transgender was, but yet.. it still wasn't her.
Squiddo still liked being a girl, she still liked being masculine at times, but that didn't mean she was a boy. The idea of being a boy was appealing, but so was being a girl. She sighs.
"Ash? Are you awake?" She whispers, and Ashswag grumbles something before turning over to Squiddo.
"Mmm.. I am." He mumbled, voice evident with sleepiness. Squiddo feels bad. "What's up?" He questions, and Squiddo begins to fidget with her hands.
"I.." She starts, but it's like the words die in her throat. She can't think of what she wants to say now, and she's embarrassed for it. Now she just looks like an asshole who woke her friend up only to give them no reason for waking them up. Fuck. She doesn't want to be an asshole. "How do you feel about transgender people?" She forces the question out, spitting the words out like it was bitter sitting in her mouth.
The question seems to stump Ashswag, and he opens his eyes to look at the faint outline of Squiddo's side profile. "Like Ivory?" His tired mind blurts out, and Squiddo nods before realizing he can't exactly see that, so she answers verbally. "Yeah. Trans. Like.. a boy becoming a girl, or a girl becoming a boy." She mumbles, staring up at the ceiling absentmindedly.
"Why? Are you trans?" Ash asked, and Squiddo sputters. "I- no, I'm.. I don't think-.. I don't know." She finally settles on, and Ash hums. "Well, to answer your question, I don't hate them if that's what you're worried about." He says, and Squiddo relaxes. "I support them and think they're pretty cool. Mhm, imagine transing your gender. Sick as hell." He says sleepily, and hearing Squiddo let out a soft laugh at him makes him feel a bit happy.
"I just.. I don't know what I am." Squiddo begins, and Ash can feel the anxiety radiating from her. "I'm not trans because I like being a girl, but I think being a boy is.. something I would like." She continues, and it feels nice to talk about this to somebody, even if it's her sleepy best friend.
Ash hums and nods, encouraging her to keep going. "Then there's days where I feel like I'm neither, or days where I wish gender didn't exist just so I wouldn't have to go through this goddamn- annoying ass questioning I'm doing." Squiddo finally stops looking at the ceiling as they explain this, turning to look at Ashswag, even if they're trapped in the dark.
"But also.. I wish I could be both. Have people call me a girl, by she/her pronouns, but also a boy and by he/him pronouns. And then- non-binary? I'm not non-binary but I would like to be called by they/them pronouns. I just- I would like that. A lot." He says, and Ashswag nods once again, but finally says something. "Then do that." And Squiddo is silent. Confused. "What do you mean?" They asked, a bit baffled at his response.
"Then do that." He repeats. "There's people who go by he/they, or she/they. Who says you can't use all of them? Who says you can't be both a boy and a girl. You're you, Squiddo. And that's all that really matters." And those might've been the smartest words that Ashswag has ever said in his life, because Squiddo is silent. And Ash is right. Who says that they can't be all of these things?
Squiddo smiles a bit, shuffling close to hug Ashswag, wrapping their arms around him. Ash makes a noise before reciprocating. "Thanks, Ash. Goodnight." Squiddo sighs out, and for once, his mind is at peace. Ash makes some sort of grumbling noise before promptly falling asleep in Squiddo's arms.
There's still so much Squiddo has to figure out about themselves, because life can never be so simple and be solved during a single midnight talk with a sleep deprived Ashswag, but for now they stay like that for the rest of the night, cuddled close to each other.