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The thick, metallic stench of blood pierces even through the hypnagogic fog of Yan Rongwei’s dreams. Jolted out of sleep, he sits bolt upright in bed, sweat clinging to his skin. Yan Rongwei’s chest heaves, the thick silence punctuated by his heavy breathing.
Groaning, he lies back down, burying his face in the crook of his arm. In his ears, Yan Rongwei’s blood roars, but it's not loud enough to drown out the horrific screams that still rattle through his brain.
His hand slips down to the side of his bed and grasps the hilt of his blade—that traitorous thing. Pulling it out from the sheath, the sound of metal scraping pierces through the night air.
Holding up the blade, Yan Rongwei looks at his own face in the dull moonlight.
His hair is disheveled, and there are dark circles under his eyes, which are half-lidded with exhaustion.
For a moment, Yan Rongwei considers slitting his throat.
No.
Not yet. If he does it now, it’ll seem even more cowardly. Letting out a sigh, Yan Rongwei’s sword slips from his hand and clatters down to the floor as he stares up at the ceiling, painted silver with moonlight. Minutes dissolve into an hour, and an hour into two.
Behind his eyelids are the bloody, wide-eyed faces of his men, staring deep into Yan Rongwei’s soul. Their screams still ring in his ears.
Everything hurts.
He laughs, knowing that his pain is nothing compared to the pain of the parents who will never see their sons again, the children who will never see their fathers again, the spouses who will never see their husbands again.
Through the window above his head, Yan Rongwei watches the clouds move past, obscuring the stars.
Little by little, that sky turns from a deep blue to purple, then pink and orange, the sun cresting the horizon like the egg yolk inside a mooncake.
Yan Rongwei drags himself out of bed, picking up his sword. Without looking in the mirror, he ties his hair up with a ribbon. He goes to open the door, but it slides open before he does.
“General Yan, good morning,” Chu Xun, Yan Rongwei’s only remaining servant, cups his palm over his fist as he bows. “Do you want something to eat?”
“I’m not hungry. The sun has already risen, let’s go.”
Chu Xun frowns. “Are you sure?”
Yan Rongwei stops in front of the door, sighing. “By now, the entire country already knows what happened. I’m more or less a criminal. If we leave now, we should arrive in Jingmen after sundown tonight.”
“Very well then. Let’s head back.”
Yan Rongwei parts the carriage curtain with one hand, glancing out over the rolling hills of the countryside, past paddocks and rice fields scattered around tiny villages. Above, the intense summer sun bares down on the earth below, hot and dry.
“The weather here is so miserable…” he mumbles. The sleeve of his nondescript gray robe slides down to reveal a tattered and dirty woven bracelet, its vibrant blue color long since faded.
Yan Rongwei touches it and sighs. “Even this…when I get back, what will she think? It’s been this many years and we haven't seen each other…”
Surely she’s married by now… a bitter smile plays across his lips.
He pulls down his sleeve.
It doesn't matter…a silly promise made in childhood like that means nothing.
Closing his eyes, Yan Rongwei leans back against the carriage seat.
“Hurry up! Come on, let’s go already! We’re gonna miss the fireworks!” The little girl standing in front of the house, Xue Mei’ai, places her hands on her hips and lets out a huff, cheeks puffing out.
“Okay, okay! I’m coming, let me just put my shoes on!” Yan Rongwei calls out through the window.
“Ughhh.”
“Ai-Ai, you’re really too impatient! So unladylike!” The door to Yan Rongwei’s home slides open as he steps outside, wearing a stylish green brocade robe.
“Peh! So?!”
“So,” Yan Rongwei walks past her and out the large front gate, “you’ll never find a husband if you act like that!”
“What’s so good about a husband?” Xue Mei’ai grabs Yan Rongwei’s sleeve and pulls him along down the path.
“Eh?! What’s so good? Don't you want to start a family one day?”
Xue Mei’ai shrugs and picks up the pace, her new embroidered shoes already covered in dirt. “I’d rather study the classics. After all, you know the saying — ‘study will bring both wealth and beauty!’”
Yan Rongwei rolls his eyes. “Aiya, if you keep studying those sorts of things, all the men—” he stops as the two of them pass beneath the gate that opens up to the massive outdoor night market. Red lanterns are strung up everywhere, and the smell of freshly-cooked food wafts into both of the children’s noses.
“It smells so good here!” Xue Mei’ai says. “Are you hungry? Mommy gave me some money.”
Yan Rongwei grins. “Mn! When the servants brought the food to my room, I secretly hid it under my bed. I’m starving!”
“Huh? You shouldn’t waste food like that!”
“Why are you nagging me so much? So annoying.”
“Hey! Fine, see if I don't share my money with you! You can go back and eat those leftovers!” The blue-clad girl’s hands clench into fists as she storms away, stomping comically.
Yan Rongwei’s eyes widen. “Ah, wait…Ai-Ai, I’m just kidding!” He shouts as he runs after her.
“Ai-Ai…” his chest heaves when he comes up beside her, matching Xue Mei’ai’s pace. “Um…I’m sorry. I was just teasing. Please don't be mad, okay?”
“Hmph! You’re so mean!”
Yan Rongwei groans.
Are all girls like this? If so…maybe I’ll get married to a man instead.
Stopping, he takes both of Xue Mei’ai’s little hands in his, an earnest expression on his round face. “Didn't I say I was sorry? Look…let me make it up to you, okay?”
Blush blooms in Xue Mei’ai’s cheeks. She averts her gaze, flower hair accessory glinting in the light.
She looks cute like this…
“...what are you gonna do to make it up to me?” Xue Mei’ai mumbles, her voice barely audible above the din of the crowd.
“Um…”
Shit! I didn't think I’d get this far!!
Looking around frantically, Yan Rongwei spots a vendor’s stall selling sugar figures. Smiling, he turns back to the young girl. “How about I buy you a treat? Will you forgive me?”
“I’ll think about it.”
Pursing his lips, Yan Rongwei holds tight to Xue Mei’ai’s hand and leads her over to the stall.
“Granny, can we have 2 sugar figures please?” He says, looking up at the older woman running the stall.
She smiles and leans down, looking at the two children. “Sure thing, darling. Aren't you two just the cutest?”
“It’s not like that!” Yan Rongwei says quickly, blushing up to the tips of his ears. “Ai-Ai and I are just friends.”
The old woman laughs as she pours the sugar syrup into the pan. “That’s what they all say. I said the same thing about my husband when I was your age, and we’ve been married for fifty two years.”
“Eh? Fifty two…” Xue Mei’ai starts trying to count on her fingers but quickly gives up. Yan Rongwei leans over and whispers, “that’s a long time — even older than both our ages combined!”
She looks at him with wide eyes. “Whoa. That is a long time…”
“Well, here you go. Be safe now, don't go too far from people.” The old woman leans over the counter and hands them the two sugar figures — one shaped like a rabbit and the other a dragon.
“Whoa, cool! Ai-Ai, look, a dragon! Thanks, granny! Ah, wait, um…how much?”
The woman holds up 4 fingers.
Yan Rongwei reaches into his sleeve and pulls out an embroidered coin pouch, producing 4 copper coins from inside and placing them on the counter. “Thank you!”
“It’s nothing. Enjoy! Don't stay up too late!” The woman calls after them.
The two walk and eat their sugar figures, their hands occasionally brushing against one another.
“Come on, I think the fireworks are gonna start soon!” Xue Mei’ai takes Yan Rongwei’s hand in her own and leads him past a line of stalls, pausing when a delightful scent envelops her.
“Do you smell that?!”
“Yeah, it smells sooooo yummy!”
“Let’s get some!”
The children wander over to the stall from which the smell is emanating. A young man selling rou jia mo calls out to them in greeting. “Xiaopengyou, have you eaten?”
“Not yet. It smells really yummy, what are you selling?” Xue Mei’ai asks.
“Rou jia mo. Do you want to try it?”
“Mn! Oh, one for me and one for A-Xi. Thanks!”
The man smiles. “Sure thing. I’ll cook it for you, so wait a minute.”
After a bit, the rou jia mo are ready and wrapped in oil paper. The stall owner hands them to the two children.
“How much?” Yan Rongwei asks as he takes a bite.
“10 coins.”
Fishing out his money pouch, Yan Rongwei opens it and places the coins into the man’s outstretched hand.
“Thank you. Happy Lantern Festival!”
“Thanks, gege!” Xue Mei’ai turns to Yan Rongwei and takes a bite of her rou jia mo, sauce staining her cheeks.
“The fireworks will be starting any second now!” Xue Mei’ai says, grabbing Yan Rongwei’s arm and tugging him along. She leads the boy down a series of meandering alleyways; all of which look so similar that they make Yan Rongwei’s head spin.
Finally, they come to a stop behind a small store. Wooden crates line the back of the building almost up to the roof, arranged in such a way that it wouldn't be too difficult for a younger child to ascend them.
“Let’s go, climb up to the roof! The view is waaaaay better from up there!” Xue Mei’ai lets go of Yan Rongwei’s hand at long last, climbing up the stack of crates with surprising dexterity.
Yan Rongwei, being a young boy from a military family, also has a good physique and trained often, so ascending that pile of crates isn't difficult. Atop the roof of the store, he and Xue Mei’ai can see out over the entire city. A boom pierces the quiet air, followed by a big orange firework like a blooming chrysanthemum in the dark sky.
“Isn't it pretty?” Xue Mei’ai asks, turning to Yan Rongwei.
“Uh…um…y-yeah.”
The rainbow of fireworks light up Xue Mei’ai’s round and youthful face.
“By the way…I…um…” without saying anything more, Xue Mei’ai reaches into her robe and pulls out two bracelets made from woven-together blue string. Judging by the appearance of those bracelets, Yan Rongwei can tell she made them herself.
Without looking at him, Xue Mei’ai says softly, “give me your arm.”
When Yan Rongwei extends his arm, she fastens the bracelet around his wrist. “There. It’s a symbol of our friendship. When you have to go up north and I’m not there, it’s…”
She pauses, fastening her own bracelet around her wrist. “You can still…have me by your side…”
Yan Rongwei’s heart skips several beats. “Ai-Ai, this is…”
“Shhh! Don't say anything! Just…if…for whatever reason we ever…don't see each other for a while…wear it and think of me…”
“Master, we’ve arrived.”
Yan Rongwei groans and straightens his back, a throbbing pain in his neck from having slept during the trip. “Ah…huh?”
“We’re here.”
Hearing it feels like having his name called to go stand before an executioner.
Chu Xun notices Yan Rongwei’s face change color and lets out a sigh. “If you don't think you can face them, then…”
Placing a hand on his sword, Yan Rongwei shakes his head and stands up, his legs shaking. “I’m already here. What difference does it make when I decide to do it? I may as well apologize to my mother first, and…”
There's still the matter of Xue Mei’ai…
Ah, what a mess…
He almost laughs at how tragic this situation is and puts on his weimao, the white veil covering his face.
As he walks down the old cobblestone street, examining the houses that still look almost the same as when he’d left his little village all those years ago.
How has it already been so long, yet nothing’s changed…?
A stuffed-up and painful feeling rises in Yan Rongwei’s chest, burning his throat. He stops when he passes by the home next to his — Xue Mei’ai’s childhood home.
He sighs softly, almost inaudibly.
She’s definitely married by now, maybe she even has her own children…
The thought makes pain seize Yan Rongwei’s heart.
Fuck, I should've married her when I had the chance…and yet, here I am with nothing…I squandered it all, and I’m only thirty…
Out of instinct, Yan Rongwei’s hand moves to the threaded bracelet at his wrist. He caresses the frayed and worn old string, regret and resentment boiling in his stomach.
Oh well. It can't be helped anymore, I suppose.
Still, he can't keep himself from walking up to the front door of that house, standing there for a long time before slowly reaching out to knock. Yan Rongwei holds his breath as he waits, but the sound of approaching footsteps never comes.
“Guess nobody’s home…it was stupid of me to think she still lives here after all these years.
He lets out a defeated sigh.
Yan Rongwei returns to the main road and wanders around aimlessly for some time, revisiting the places he and Xue Mei’ai liked to go as children. Nostalgia and regret makes his heart ache. The threat of tears sting his eyes and sinuses, making Yan Rongwei happy to be wearing a weimao.
The wooden bridge over the dark, rushing river that bisects the little village is still standing, its red paint faded and chipped. Standing atop that bridge is a man in plain, light green clothes. He holds a folding fan in one hand and a parasol with a bamboo pattern painted on it in the other.
For some reason, Yan Rongwei stops. He can't help but stare at that man, some loose bits of his long, dark hair swaying in the gentle breeze.
Who is that…? He looks familiar, but…
Leaning forward, the man looks into the water below, his face twisted by its harsh motion.
He thinks about jumping into it, stopping when he feels someone gazing at him. The man turns his head and spots Yan Rongwei, forcing a smile. “Hello.”
“Sorry. Did I interrupt something?”
“Not at all. I haven't seen you around town. Have we met?”
Yan Rongwei shakes his head. “I don't think so.”
“Your voice…sounds familiar.”
A cold sweat breaks out on Yan Rongwei’s neck. “I-I get that a lot, haha! Must just be that my voice is plain…”
“Oh…” the man looks disappointed. “Maybe so.”
“A-Anyways, what’s your name?”
“Xue Ciqian. You?”
Xue? Maybe it’s just a coincidence…
“Ya—Ye Xi, courtesy name Xuanyi…”
Xue Ciqian opens his mouth to speak, but Yan Rongwei cuts him off.
“Can I ask…which Xue character does your family name use?”
“It’s an uncommon character; it uses the shan, mi, and xiao radicals. Why?”
The realization hits Yan Rongwei like a ton of bricks. “You…but…Official Xue only had one child…a daughter…”
Xue Ciqian’s expression becomes unreadable. He guardedly takes a step back. “Did you know my father?”
“Know him? I…as a kid, I was best friends with his daughter…”
Xue Ciqian’s eyes widen. “A-Xi…?”
What…? What…! What?!
“How do you know that nickname? Only Xue Mei’ai called me that!”
Xue Ciqian sighs. “You don't get it, do you?”
“Get what?”
“I'm…I’m Mei’ai. Was. Not anymore, of course. Like I said, my name is Ciqian now.”
Yan Rongwei shakes his head, his ears ringing. “Huh? This is a joke, right?”
Frowning, Xue Ciqian lifts his arm and slides down his sleeve. Tied around his slender wrist is an old, faded string bracelet—the same color as Yan Rongwei’s.
So…
“Do you believe me now, A-Xi?”
“Why…? I…did you do this so you could pass the Imperial Exam?”
Xue Ciqian pinches the bridge of his nose. “No. Come on.” When he says that, he reaches out and grabs Yan Rongwei’s sleeve.
“Let’s go back to my place. We can talk more there. Besides, aren't you a wanted criminal right now?”
“How do you know I’m a wanted criminal?” Yan Rongwei asks as he lifts the steaming hot cup of tea to his lips.
“What do you mean how do I know? As if everyone’s not talking about it right now! What happened?”
“I didn't betray anyone! Why would I spit in the face of the country I love? How could I possibly bear to face my father in the afterlife if I turned traitor and destroyed his image? The fact that I survived was sheer luck…my battalion sacrificed themselves for me…during the ambush, someone knocked me out. When I woke up, I was in an unfamiliar place, but I was safe. Apparently, several of my soldiers tied me to a horse and made it run away. They then created a rockslide as a distraction, which closed off the path they used to help me escape. This prevented the enemy from following me, but…it also prevented any of them from escaping. I feel terrible.”
Xue Ciqian frowns.
“I let them all down…they all died because of me! I was too stupid, how could I have not seen that ambush coming? I didn't think an ambush would even be possible after I planted a spy behind enemy lines, but…I guess he betrayed me, because despite sending out countless scouts and even having people hide in trees and ditches, I didn't know about the ambush until we were surrounded. Besides, I was stabbed in the chest by the enemy’s sword! It’s not like I just waltzed off the battlefield; I barely survived! And yet…all of their deaths…are still my fault. I should've been more diligent…”
Xue Ciqian shakes his head. “I don't think it’s your fault. It didn't sound like you were being negligent…”
“It was my fault…”
“Why’d you come back here, then?”
Blush dusts Yan Rongwei’s sun-kissed face. “I…well, to be honest, I wanted to commit suicide, but…I couldn't help looking for you beforehand. I guess I just…wanted to see you one last time. To know you were okay. To meet your family, if you had one. That way, I could kill myself in peace, knowing all the loose ends of my life were tied up nicely…”
The tips of Xue Ciqian’s ears turn red. For some reason, he apologizes. “Sorry. I know this isn't what you expected.”
“It’s not,” Yan Rongwei takes another sip of his tea, “which leads me to my question. Why…?”
“It’s not because of the Imperial Exam. Well, not exactly. Of course, a woman could never sit the exam. Even if she were the most qualified person on earth, it’s not allowed. So I disguised myself as a man and went to take the exam. I ranked sixth. Unlucky, right? Anyways, after that, I realized that I…kind of liked being a man. It wasn’t that I just liked wearing men’s clothes or going by a man’s name, nor did I only want the social status associated with being a man. After all, that status would be completely nullified were someone to find out I was once a woman. I just…it felt right. Like there was some kind of void inside of me that was finally filled; an ache I didn't know existed finally soothed. Something I had no clue I was missing…I’d finally found.” He pauses to eat a few melon seeds.
“Of course, my parents were horrified. My mother couldn't take it and fell ill, never to recover. My father…hah, he belittled me and told me I was delusional. He called for an exorcist, a monk, a daoist priest, a doctor…and some other, more unsavory figures. I stopped living as a man because I wanted my parents to be happy and love me again.”
Yan Rongwei’s hand slides across the table, his fingertips ghosting over Xue Ciqian’s.
“I’m sorry…I…had no idea…Ai—Ciqian, forgive me.”
A sad smile crosses Xue Ciqian’s face. “It’s okay. You didn't mean anything by it. Anyways, after that, my father found a man from some rich family and forced me to marry him. He said I could be happy this way, that I should just lay low and try and have a normal life as a woman…I should set aside my delusions and start a family…”
Yan Rongwei almost drops his teacup. “Your dad seemed like such a nice person…”
“I thought so too. I guess his love for me was conditional after all.” Tears collect at the rims of Xue Ciqian’s eyes, but he doesn't cry. “He wanted a daughter, and I couldn't give him that…”
“He’s a terrible father, then. Isn't it a parent’s job to love their child no matter what?”
Xue Ciqian shrugs. “I guess so…either way, I was married off. My ex-husband, the man who I never loved, who degraded and insulted me when I told him I’m a man…he impregnated me. But I didn't want to have a baby, so I secretly took an abortifacient. After that…hm, I think it’s better if I just show you.”
A wave of lightheadedness overcomes Yan Rongwei. Sadness and fear squeezes his stomach and turns his blood cold, yet he still stands up.
“You look pale. It’s okay,” Xue Ciqian says softly, slipping his slender yet calloused hand into Yan Rongwei’s.
Yan Rongwei wants to pull away, to draw his hand back, but…
He smells good, Yan Rongwei thinks—like jasmine incense and baimao hou.
Xue Ciqian’s eyelashes are long, his eyes soft and alluring. His face is androgynous; lips pink and full. Wherever he’s leading him, Yan Rongwei doesn't care. Even if Xue Ciqian were taking him to the gallows to be executed, that would be okay.
“A-Xi.”
“Ah…huh?”
Xue Ciqian laughs—he doesn't cover his mouth with his sleeve anymore, his whole face bright with joy. “What were you thinking about just now, hm?”
“N-Nothing.”
The two men are standing outside in the little inner courtyard of Xue Ciqian’s home. Before them is a small but healthy peach tree, its lush green leaves reaching towards the blue sky above. A few ripe peaches hang from its branches.
“So…what happened to your ex-husband?”
A coquettish smile flashes across Xue Ciqian’s face. He squeezes Yan Rongwei’s hand.
“How do you think this peach tree grew so well?”
Oh.
Oh.
“I…” the point of Yan Rongwei’s throat bobs.
“Everyone believed it was a tragic and brutal homicide—the evidence I planted worked perfectly. When I moved out of his house to come and live here, people just assumed that I was just grieving the loss of my husband. My father killed himself when my mother died, so…”
“Now you’re free,” Yan Rongwei replies under his breath.
“Mn. And even better, you’re here. I want to ask…”
Yan Rongwei turns to look at him.
“Do you still like me, A-Xi? Even though I’m a man, are you still in love with me?”
Yan Rongwei blushes up to his ears. “Eh? When did I say I was in love with you?!”
“Don't be stupid. Don't you remember anything from our childhood? Hell, the bracelet on your wrist is proof enough…all this time, you kept it with you…tell me, did you think of me when you were on the battlefield?”
“Of course. Of course I thought of you. I…” the point of Yan Rongwei’s throat bobs, “there…there wasn't a day that went by when I didn't think of you. My biggest regret is not having asked you to marry me. I’m sorry. I made you wait, and…” he sighs, “had I married you, none of that bad stuff would've happened. Forgive me, Ciqian.”
“Eh?!” Xue Ciqian’s entire face turns bright red. “You—! Stupid…how is that your fault? You didn't know.”
Yan Rongwei turns to face Xue Ciqian, pressing his hands together between his own. “I didn't want to get married because I saw how torn up my mother was when my father died. I was worried the same thing would happen to you…but now I realize how much of a fool I was. I thought of you every night and my heart ached. I wanted nothing more than to be by your side…I’m sorry. I should've married you when I had the chance.”
A heavy moment of silence passes before Xue Ciqian asks quietly: “would you have accepted me…?”
Tears sting the rims of Yan Rongwei’s eyes. He pulls Xue Ciqian into an embrace. “Of course. Admittedly, it may have taken me a bit of time, but…I would have.”
Xue Ciqian places his hands on Yan Rongwei’s back, resting his head in the crook of his neck. “You’re really good,” he murmurs.
“What?”
“Ai, clean out your ears…it’s embarrassing to have to repeat this sort of thing…”
Yan Rongwei laughs. “Sorry.”
“Should we leave?”
“Leave? Leave where?”
Xue Ciqian shrugs. “Wherever. Just…away from here.”
Yan Rongwei presses his lips to the crown of Xue Ciqian’s head. “Are you asking me to elope with you?”
“What? Did you have other plans?”
“No. A certain someone changed my mind,” he says with a smile.