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She’s always been on fire.
Long before Shibuya. Long before she stood on that beach. Long before she stained her hands crimson.
There’s been a fire in her veins for as long as she can remember. Born with no cursed energy, shamed and cast away by her own clan-- every step she took kept her alight with the stubbornness to just keep on going.
Maki has not known peace from the moment she was born.
“It’ll leave scarring, but you should be--”
“... she’s-...Mai…sorry, Maki…”
“ We don’t…eryone else…”
It went in one ear and out the other. The pointless words bounce around in her brain, useless and holding no meaning. Her sword drips with blood, staining the ground beneath her boot, bodies of those who share her genes littering the ground around her.
She finds that the mutilated bodies mean next to nothing to her. They won’t keep her up at night. They won’t haunt her dreams. They are nothing but a means to a greater good.
What she does find that keeps her awake is the lifeless face mirroring her own staring back at her. Mai is heavy and limp in her grasp, the waves tugging and threatening to pull her away. She breathes and breathes and breathes until she sits upright in bed, scarred fingers curling into the front of her shirt as she tries to swallow oxygen into her veins.
Her blood pumps adrenaline into her veins, hot and rapid, as she smoothes her fingers out against the cotton sheets.
Mai is gone.
Her clan is dead.
For some reason, she was spared.
A brisk, gentle knock to her door makes her stiffen up. Short cropped hair clings to her forehead, sweaty and gross, heart hammering against her ribcage as she takes steady breaths.
“It’s open,” she croaks, clearing her throat. Rough fingers come up to scrub at her face, making sure no tears have slipped free.
No answer tells her all she needs to know as the doorknob twists and pushes open. A halo of silver hair pops in, violet eyes blinking through the dark room to look at her. For a moment, they have a staring contest, as if playing a game of chicken.
She takes the bite, though. “You’re up late,” she says, subtly scooting over and patting the space beside her.
His footsteps are quiet as he makes his way over, socked feet padding against her floor. Her gaze catches on his empty sleeve where his arm used to be before flicking up to his face. He clambers into the bed beside her, grappling for the covers and tugging them up to his lap. This close, she can see the weary lines beneath his eyes, the exhaustion that clings to his being.
“Mentaiko,” he mumbles, picking at some loose strings of the blanket.
Maki can’t help but let out a humorless laugh at that. She’s surprised any of them could sleep nowadays. They fall into a comfortable quiet, both lost in their own heads. As much as she wishes to be a source of comfort for her friend, she finds that the safety of nightfall allows her to be more vulnerable. The embers of her anger simmer and lay dormant, ready to be alit anew with the new day.
But for now, she lays there and lets herself feel the anguish of what’s transpired.
Another knock has both of them looking over. For a moment, they share a look, but there’s only one other person who would show up at this time.
“It’s open,” she says again.
“Ah, sorry for stopping by so late, Toge wasn’t in his room and--” Yuuta pauses in the opening, blinking in surprise at his two friends. He lets out a small chuckle. Maki can’t help but pass her gaze over his face as well, memorizing the zigzag scarring lining the skin there.
They’ve all come out with some sort of twisted trophy.
Toge scoots over on the bed, patting the empty space he’s created. Maki scoots a bit more to the edge, lips a thin line as Yuuta closes the door with a soft click. He walks over, eyeing her before looking at Toge. She can see the concern in his gaze; not just for her, but for their friend as well. As much as they all have suffered, when it comes to having to readjust to normal life, he definitely got the short end of it all.
If it weren’t for the reversed cursed technique with Shoko and Yuuta working together, then she probably wouldn’t be here right now. Her flesh and muscles would still be simmering in the earth, body buried six feet under.
Sometimes, she thinks it would’ve been mercy.
At least she’d be with Mai that way.
The mattress dips as Yuuta settles in, moving to prop his chin atop Toge’s shoulder. His dark eyes focus on Maki, though, as if trying to gauge if she really is okay.
She keeps her eyes focused on the blanket below her. It’s too hot, too itchy, too much. Carefully, she peels the thick fabric away from herself and moves to rest on top of it instead, blank look moving to rest on the far wall. Her sword lies there, perfectly polished and set upon a soft cushion.
“What a trio we are, huh,” Maki mumbles, voice oddly small for her.
She feels a sudden weight hit her shoulder. Then it’s doubled. Looking over, her nose wrinkles as she finds both boys leaning right into her space. Oddly enough, though, it makes her relax; her own, weird weighted blanket.
As she leans back, she finds herself staring at the sword across the room once more. No thanks falls from her lips, no sweet words, nothing is said, but when she raises a hand and cards it through Toge’s hair, she knows that they understand her silent cues. If anyone knows her, it’s them, and they know when she’s thanking them even if it’s not said aloud.
She isn’t sure when she falls asleep, but for once, it’s not filled with fire and fury. Instead, she finds herself on that same beach, hand in hand with someone long gone.
The taste of smoke never quite leaves. She stands on the training field, sword in hand, eyes focusing on the dummies in front of her.
Who is she fighting for now? Mai is gone. Her clan is dead. Her friends are safe.
Nobara is still asleep.
Closing her eyes, Maki lets out a deep, calming breath. Every inhale tastes like ash, every exhale feels like relief. The anger that fuels the flames in her gut have simmered, veins alight with something she can’t quite place.
Is it sadness? Grief?
She thinks she prefers the anger. At least that way, it gives her direction. Now, she feels lost and unsure, because life moves on but how can she?
Letting out a long breath, she lifts the sword and thunks it against the dummy. It barely moves, staring back at her lifelessly. The shift in the air causes her to look up, carefully sheathing the blade away as Yuuta makes his presence known.
He smiles, but her eyes focus on the scar dragging down between his eyes and down his nose. She blinks.
“Thought I’d find you out here.”
Maki doesn’t know how to respond, so she lifts her shoulders into a small shrug. A cruel part of her wants to snap, to tell him to focus on Toge, to leave her alone. She’s fine. She will be fine. It’s fine.
Biting the inside of her cheek hard, she feels that familiar anger bubble and boil within her. There’s no reason for it, but the longer Yuuta stands there, the longer he gives her that look of understanding and patience-- it’s enough to make her burn.
It’s because she isn’t sure she deserves it.
Hands stained crimson, body a mural of sins, burned and scarred and forever marred. That’s all she is nowadays. A walking reminder of what’s happened. She does not deserve the cool, calm soothing of the ocean.
The world continues to spin on its axis, yet she stays rooted in place.
When she inhales, she tastes smoke.
“Did you need something?” She snaps, lip twitching into a small scowl.
Yuuta does not flinch, nor does he step away. His lips upturn into a small smile, feet shuffling against the grass as he takes a step closer. He knocks his knuckles against the training dummy, clearing his throat as he looks around the field.
“Do you want to have dinner tonight?”
“No.”
Yuuta sighs. “I don’t think you should be alone tonight.”
Maki’s glare is as sharp as a dagger, yet her friend still stands strong, unrelenting in his own stubbornness. They have a faceoff, as if either party would give in. Their mediator is probably in the garden, finding his own solace in the day.
“I’m fine.”
“I don’t believe that.”
Maki inhales sharply, eyebrow twitching. Her fingers itch to reach for her blade. “Fuck off, Yuuta.”
He seems to hesitate at that, and when he shifts, she realizes he doesn’t have his katana. If he’s not in the dorms, he’s usually seen with it, even if it’s just on the field. That means he had every intention of bringing her back with him; which also means Toge is probably up to something inside, too.
“I’m not in a celebratory mood.”
“Who said anything about celebrating?”
Gritting her teeth, she feels smoke and flames and anger and sadness crawl up her throat, burning and branding itself into her tongue and molars.
“Leave me the fuck alone before I make you.” It comes out cold and harsh, fingers shaking as she curls them inward into a fist.
She hates feeling like this. She hates being like this.
Yuuta is unmoving. He meets her with such a kind expression that it almost makes her feel sick.
“When Rika’s first birthday rolled around, I--”
“Yuuta,” she warns. “Don’t.”
“--felt angry. Felt like no one could ever understand me. It felt like my world would never be the same, that I would be alone forever.”
“ Yuuta.”
“I was alone, until I met you guys. Because of you, Panda, and Toge, her anniversary became easier and easier. I realized that--”
Her fist flies before she can stop herself. It connects with his chest, a shaky gasp mixed with a sob following the action. Her other hand comes barreling over, knuckles sliding across his cheek. She inhales smoke, exhales water, and dry heaves as she weakly pounds her fist against him.
He takes it all in stride, hands sliding around her shoulders as her forehead thunks against the middle of his chest. He gives her a too warm hug, large hands sliding up and down her back in a comforting manner.
She hiccups, globs of ugly tears burning down her face.
Her hands come up to clutch the front of his shirt, sobs racking her form. How can she be expected to age when Mai cannot? How can she live when her whole life has been dedicated to making life a bit better for her sister?
How can she wake up and breathe when a part of her is dead and buried?
It’s not fair.
Life is not fair.
“I don’t want you to be alone today,” Yuuta repeats, lips moving against her hair. He places a kiss to the top of it, and it burns and burns and burns.
Weakly, she slams her fist against his chest again. It only makes him laugh softly.
“Please? Toge will kill me if I don’t bring you back with me.”
Leaning away from him, she scrubs at her eyes, a light pink hue sprinkling across her cheeks at such a display of vulnerability. For a moment, she stares, blinking in surprise at the way no bruise paints her friend’s face. He must have healed himself before she could beat herself up over hurting him.
Swallowing past a lump in her throat, she looks away. “I don’t want to celebrate.”
“Okay,” Yuuta says, reaching out to touch her shoulder, fingers giving a light squeeze. “But you still shouldn’t be alone.”
“Fine.”
She finds herself at the table in the dining room after that, flanked by their friends. There is no celebration, there is no birthday cake, and there’s nothing to be happy about. The riceball she eats tastes like nothing, heavy and far too solid as it settles in her stomach.
When she looks up, it’s to find Toge snoozing against Yuuta’s shoulder, the bags beneath his eyes darker than she remembers. Yet he still came out and made her dinner. Tried to make her shitty day not terrible.
Yuuji sits beside Megumi, silent being the new norm for most of them nowadays.
There’s an empty chair beside her, where a certain brunette is supposed to be.
It’s not the same. She knows it never will be.
Forcing another bite down, Maki feels far too empty for having finished her plate. Pushing it aside, she gets to her feet and gives a solid, firm nod. She can’t stand to sit here right now.
When she turns to go, she sees Yuuta begin to move after her.
“Don’t,” she says, lifting her hand to stop him. He looks as if he wants to protest, lips parting, but then points to their sleeping friend. Yuuta looks down at him, gaze softening so subtly that anyone that isn’t Maki could miss it. “Let him sleep.”
“But-“
“I’m tired, Yuuta. I’ll be fine.”
She’s swift to decline Yuuji and Megumi’s efforts to join her, and instead moves to ruffle their hair. They shouldn’t worry so much about her. It doesn’t feel right.
Alone once more in her room, she sets the blade in her lap. She runs her fingers down the metal, touch featherlight as she goes. The last remaining gift from Mai. The last piece of her.
Swallowing hard, Maki curls her fingers around the hilt. She catches a glimpse of her reflection in the polished steel, breath catching in her throat. Even scarred, the face staring back is far too similar to the one she lost. It makes bile creep up her throat, hot and burning the longer she looks.
Lifting her free hand to her hair, she curls her fingers into the short locks.
She can’t wait to grow it back out. Then, maybe, just maybe, she won’t reflect Mai as much.
Healing is an interesting process. On the outside, her scars have healed, only acting up when the sun beats down too hard on her. The inside, though, is a volcano. All her emotions sit and bubble and rise and threaten to explode more and more with each passing day.
“You’d probably know what to say,” she mumbles, looking down at the peaceful face of Nobara.
She’s pale. Too pale. Her chest rises and falls steadily, yet she does not open her eyes. One of them has heavy bandages wrapped around it, changed daily, never seen by anyone but Shoko.
Shoko said she isn’t sure when, or if, she ever would wake up.
Maki wants to believe that she’s just taking her time for that dramatic flair she had always talked about. That she’ll yawn and stretch and sit up and fill the air with her cool casualness that makes her feel at ease within moments.
She misses her best friend. She misses the only other girl in these dorms. She misses falling asleep to her head tucked against her shoulder.
Life is not fair.
It never has been for Maki.
“I wish you’d wake up.”
She’s met with silence. Picking up the brush from the bedside table, Maki hunches over the bed, casually propping the sleeping beauty up against the pillows. Her hair has grown longer. She’s still as beautiful as the day she fell asleep, but Maki knows the moment she can, she’ll chop her hair back to that signature bob.
Chuckling under her breath, Maki lifts the brush and begins to gently detangle the knots that have appeared overnight. The last thing she’d want is for Nobara to wake up and freak out over the state of her body and face; she wants to do whatever she can to make sure her friend knows that she’ll always be beautiful. Not just to Maki, but to everyone here.
This is the only place where she finds true peace and solitude. No one bothers her when she settles in for a few hours to keep the girl company. She’s left to her own devices when she visits, no one wanting to push or overstep on their time together, no one there to ignite the flames of her anger. Here, they lie dormant, cooled by the presence of a girl who hasn’t spoken in ages.
“I miss you,” she whispers, dragging the brush through brown locks.
And tomorrow, she’d return to repeat the process. Again and again and again until she gets to see those pretty amber eyes once more.
“ Okaka, Maki.” The voice is crisp and curt, firm and leaving no room for argument. However, if that’s what he wanted, then he should’ve cursed her.
She whirls around with a fire in her gaze, eyes swirling with a rage that can’t be contained. All too often she feels set ablaze once more, smoke billowing in her lungs and expanding until she’s a husk of what once was.
For a moment, they stare at one another. Her chest pants with the excursion of trying to hold herself back. His eyes are narrowed, dangerous and daring her to fight back right now.
She takes the bite, though, even if it isn’t what he truly wants.
“Fuck off, Toge. I’m fine.”
He arches an eyebrow at her. His violet gaze is as cold as a winter storm as he drags it down to her arm then dips down to her leg. He huffs. “ At least go see Yuuta.”
Her eyebrow twitches with annoyance. The anger bubbles up unnecessarily fast, dangerous and so close to spilling over. She can’t help it. She’s always been on fire, and it’s in her nature to set those that stand in her path alight with her fury.
“I’m not overworking myself, I am just fine, Toge.”
He lifts his hand and points to her arm again. The anger fizzles and pops and before she knows it she’s stepping forward, fingers curling into his uniform collar and yanking him upward. His expression morphs into one of surprise, tiptoes brushing against the flooring as she brings him up to her face just so she can drip embers of unfair fury upon him.
“You’re one to talk. Like you weren’t testing us all those first few weeks with your behavior. I don’t need someone who just stood by and watched everyone fight telling me what to do.” It drips with words she doesn’t mean, desperate to hurt, to deflect, and the horror of the sparks she just spat out crawls up her throat as she watches her friend’s face twitch until it falls into something neutral.
She feels sick. Yet she doesn’t let go, teeth bared, ready to bite.
Toge averts his gaze. He lifts his one arm up and gently pats her chest. Her fingers unfurl from around him and he drops to the ground, expression guarded as he looks away from her.
“I don’t need you to look out for me when you can’t even look out for yourself.” She doesn’t know why she keeps talking, why she sinks her teeth in and goes for the kill.
Toge nods. It’s a simple, small action, his eyes staring at the floor.
“Sorry.”
She inhales sharply. His voice is quiet and below a whisper, barely able to be caught. There’s no energy with the action, and it shows her that he’s holding himself together quite well right now. It proves to her that he’s been training, that he’s been trying, that he isn’t falling behind.
“Toge, I-“
He lifts his hand. Shakes his head.
“I get it.”
Maki swallows past the coal in her throat. It lands heavy in her stomach and burns a hole through her intestines. She stares at him and watches the acceptance flicker through his gaze and she aches to apologize, flames and sparks and infernos buzzing around in her bloodstream. But the words melt like candle wax in her mouth, sealing her lips closed and making her unable to utter any words to soothe the burn she’s created.
Toge smiles, and it makes her choke on smoke.
“I’m-“
But he’s patting her shoulder and walking away, leaving her to stand in the ashen landscape of loneliness.
“You should’ve come to me.”
Maki snarls. She’s on a warpath full of wildfire and destruction, everything she touches bursting into violent flames. Her fingers curl into tight fists, spine straightening as she rolls her shoulders back.
“It was nothing.”
Yuuta looks like he wants to argue. Instead, he steps over and plucks a riceball from the arrangement she’s making. Before she can swat his hand away, he lifts it up and takes a bite out of it.
“It’s terrible.”
Maki flinches, teeth digging harshly into her bottom lip. “What do you want?”
A small sigh follows as he takes another bite. He leans back against the counter, arms crossing over his chest as he finishes the food. For a moment, they stand in awkward silence, neither of them wanting to cave and speak.
Finally, though, Yuuta does. He’s always been like that. Stubborn with the ones he cares for. Protective and loves too much. Maki just happens to be a part of his orbit, so of course he’ll step forward and try to be there for her, just like Toge had been trying to do earlier.
“You hurt yourself, and he just wanted you to take a moment before you went on another mission. He’s not wrong. You’ve been taking on more and more.”
“Why does it matter? There are no big threats anymore. We’re here to make sure we keep it under control.”
Yuuta gives her a small look, one she can’t quite decipher, but it’s enough to make her look away at the plate of sad, misshapen rice balls. It’s obvious to both of them why she chose to make this for dinner tonight.
“But we’re not here to go after each other and to overwork ourselves.”
She grits her teeth. “I didn’t…” she trails off, running a hand through her hair and turning around. “He wouldn’t let me apologize.”
“You know how he is.”
Maki nods. “I know.”
Yuuta slides his hands behind himself, fingers spreading out against the counter. He looks up at the ceiling for a few beats before slowly lowering his gaze back down to her. She can feel the way his gaze brands itself into her back, making her stomach churn. She knows she's in the wrong. She knows she bites and doesn’t know why she does.
“You already know he’s forgiven you.”
Maki closes her eyes, letting out a soft puff of air. Of course she knows that.
“But I think you need to work on forgiving yourself.”
She stiffens up at that. Nothing more is said, but through the corner of her eye, she watches as Yuuta swipes a few of the rice balls into his hands. She hears his footsteps as they disappear down the hallway. When she turns around, he’s long gone, and she feels akin to a fire that just had a bucket of water poured over her.
When she dreams at night, it’s not about a blazing fire that consumes her and melts her flesh off her bones. Instead, she stands waist high in water so cold it freezes her limbs and makes her unable to move. Despite the harsh frigid water lapping at her, there’s a source of warmth nestled in her hand.
When she looks over, it’s to face someone who looks identical to herself. Although, she isn’t scarred, and her hair has more volume to it. Her eyes are slightly lighter, the sharp features of her face far softer than her own.
She likes to sleep, if only it means she grows so numb that she can’t feel anything but the comfort her late sister provides.
They stand in the water for the entirety of her dream. Her skin grows clammy and sweaty from where she clings to her warmth, eyes never leaving her. The other girl stares forward the entire time, not turning to look at Maki.
“I should’ve done more.”
There is no response. She doesn’t talk a lot in these, but when she does, Mai never answers.
She fears she’ll forget what she sounds like.
Something on the tip of her tongue makes the embers in her veins slowly fizzle back to life. She swallows heavily. Chokes and hopes that the freezing water will numb her enough to finally say what she wants to say.
“I’m sorry.”
It’s soft and carries on the wind, almost missed, but it’s enough to have Mai finally look over at her. The smile she gets is one of genuine peace, the way her lips turn upward cause her eyes to crease, her face to light up.
It makes Maki’s heart lurch, skipping a violent beat in her chest.
“Why are you sorry? I’m finally free.”
Bile crawls up her throat. “Death is not freedom,” she whispers back, eyes welling up with unshed tears.
“For some, I think it is. At least in this world.”
Maki wants to lift the hand clasped so tightly in hers and yank this living, breathing Mai into her arms and pour out apologies for every wrong doing she’s done to her. For leaving her behind. For not explaining herself. For doing what she set out to do too late.
“You had so much life to give,” Maki says, voice thick and full of too much emotion. She doesn’t recognize herself in it. She doesn’t know the part of herself that is torn open and bare in her vulnerability.
She hasn’t recognized herself for quite some time now.
Mai hums, head tilting slightly to the side. She really does look so carefree here, finding peace in the water around them.
“It’s okay,” she says softly, shifting in the water. She’s never done that before in these dreams, always still and staring ahead. This time, though, her hand slips from Maki’s as she steps forward, the waves parting around her as she shuffles forward. Her hand comes up to settle on Maki’s shoulder, the look in her eye softening as she looks into her twin’s face.
“I will always live on,” she says simply. “Because of you, I will live for as long as you do.”
A strangled sort of cry leaves her lips. She’s shaking, she realizes, the numbness ebbing away as the coldness seeps in.
“I don’t know how to move on.”
“You’ll learn.”
Pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, Maki blinks back a flourish of tears. “But what if I don’t want to?”
“Then you’ll be stuck, and the waves will pull you under. I really hope you won’t join me here too soon, though.”
Maki looks away from her, and instead watches as the waves grow in volume. They seem to expand the longer they stand there, rising and billowing around them. Mai’s words settle heavy in her brain.
“You need to forgive yourself, Maki.”
She wakes up in a cold sweat, heart an erratic mess as her eyes flit around the room. Her scarred fingers curl into the front of her shirt. Her blood pumps adrenaline into her veins, hot and rapid, the fire from before lighting like a match in gasoline.
Mai is gone.
Her clan is dead.
For some reason, she was spared.
Closing her eyes shut, she tilts her head back to gaze up at the ceiling. Her legs move before she can think ahead, sliding her slippers on as she makes her way down the hallway. Before she knows it, her hand is lifting, knuckles rapping against the wooden frame of a familiar door.
It opens a moment later. Violet eyes blink up at her, dull and looking far too exhausted. They’ve been through so much, and the last thing they need is to be at each other’s throats.
“I’m sorry,” she says. It’s brisk and to the point, no flames dripping from her lips.
Toge blinks. It seems to take a moment for it to process, but then he sighs, a quiet laugh sounding.
“Mentaiko, Maki,” he says. She’s yanked down into a swift hug, her head spinning with the sudden yank. For someone with one arm, his grip sure is tight, his fingers digging into her back and holding her firmly.
It says everything she needs to hear. He forgives her and she’s stupid for thinking he hadn’t already.
Stepping away, she gives a small, hesitant nod. She doesn’t know how to say thank you, but she can tell that he already knows. Of course he does. Lifting her hand, she brushes her fingers through his hair and gives it a solid ruffle.
“Tell Yuuta I said hi and that I expect him on the field in the morning.”
Toge’s cheeks turn a light pink, but he nods and shuffles back into his room, carefully closing the door behind himself. She stands out there for a moment longer before sighing, shoulders relaxing as she turns and makes her way back to her own room.
When she settles back in for the night, she draws the covers up her lap, eyes staring blankly across the room. The sword Mai gives her stares back, perfectly polished and on display, just like every other night.
The world moves on. It spins on its axis and goes through the seasons and doesn’t ever take a break.
It’s about time she learns to move along with it.