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Taka's face had been frozen with vacancy. Wide, pale eyes with a hanging jaw and nothing even resembling any emotion. He just looked... blank. Hagakure called it "catatonic", Taka didn't care. All he could think about was Mondo. Mondo... his first friend... his only friend... seeing him be killed was like getting hit by a train and surviving.
And he couldn't do anything to stop it.
Mondo—the first person he loved, and the first person to ever love him— was gone forever, and nothing could be done to change that. Taka had lost everything.
He had nothing to live for anymore.
He trudged onwards back to his dorm, where he planned to sit in his bed forever and wait for himself to rot and die. When he opened the door, his bed was neatly made as usual. The entire room was spotless as always (he was always a neat freak, something Mondo said he admired). When he shut the door and locked it, it closed a little rougher than he expected it to, making the cabinet by the door shake a little. Taka didn't react at the loud noise it made, when his old self would've flinched. Instead, he noticed something fall to the floor from the top of the cabinet. More float than fall if anything, actually.
It was a piece of paper.
It was crumpled and scratched, but it had writing on it. At the blank space on the top just before the margins, there sat an all too familiar name with oh so familiar hand writing.
Mondo
Taka's eyes stung as he could already feel the tears flooding back. Oh God, what did he do to deserve this? ... Had Mondo written him a dying message?
hey taka
Whatever it was, it was meant for him most definitely.
so, i know this is gonna come as a big shock, but there ain't shit i can do to change it now. telling you the truth is what somebody strong would do.
i killed chihiro.
Taka jolted at the words. This was something he denied, yet knew as of now. Mondo indeed killed him. It was just unbelievable. The Mondo that Taka knew wouldn't hurt a fly. Strangely gentle for a biker gang leader. Taka missed him.
i fucking killed her. i hit her with a dumbell and ran like a fucking coward. i just felt so jealous and i didn't know what to do. but i'm not saying this for pity or stupid bullshit. i'm saying this because i don't want you to forgive me. i broke the promise of a man, and now there's nothing i can do to change it. i'm too fucking weak to tell everybody myself, so i want you to tell them. during the trial, or when someone finds her in the girls room, i want you to tell everyone that it was me. don't you dare hold back. tell makoto. tell kyoko. tell byakuya. tell fucking everyone. vote me as the damn killer and send me out to the baseball field. it's what i deserve. i wasn't strong enough to just fucking get over myself, and i killed her. she's so much stronger than me, and didn't deserve that.
It seems Taka must've missed the letter by a few hours. If only he'd shaken his door a little harder this morning. Mondo must have written it in the middle of the night, after killing Chihiro and moving his body. The two of them had been sharing Taka's dorm ever since they had their sauna competition. Taka supposes that Mondo was so insistent on that because his handbook was broken, and he left his room key locked inside his dorm by mistake. When Mondo left to see Chihiro, did he take Taka's handbook with him? Well... how else would he have gotten back into the dorm? Mondo probably put the note on top of the cabinet and then just hoped it would fall upon Taka while he wasn't there. Wow. Mondo planned this so delicately for Taka.
Taka didn't understand how Mondo could see himself as anything other than strong. Mondo was incredible. He was graceful, gentle, and yet also powerful. Taka saw him as strong. He wishes Mondo saw himself the way Taka saw him. Maybe then this wouldn't have ever had to happen. Taka missed him.
but obviously, i'm not gonna get just a whop on the ass or something. i'm going to die. tomorrow when you tell everyone, i will get fucking obliterated just like leon. i don't mean to scare you or anything, i'm just clearing it up that i know that. i'm gonna act normal like nothing even happened tomorrow, alright? i just... can't bare the idea of letting everyone see how weak i was. it has to be you. because i'm not doing that shit myself. you're the only person i trust. shit, you're the only person i've ever trusted since my brother passed. i think i might fucking love you. you can feel however you want about that, but that doesn't change what's gonna happen tomorrow, ok?
Even if Taka did catch the letter on time, he doesn't think he would've ended up actually telling anyone. He did forgive Mondo, despite that not being what he wants. Yes, murder is wrong, and Chihiro was perfectly innocent by any and all standards... but... it's Mondo... How could he not forgive him? Poor Taka, blinded by his love. He wishes there was something he could do to stop—change—fix—alter—be better. But there was nothing. Seeing that he was the only person Mondo trusted made his heart flutter, but there was no use for it anymore. Taka missed him.
He flipped the page to the back, missing him.
but do me one favor. stay strong. for me, alright? consider it a dying wish or something. i need you to keep it together, and get the hell out of here. i know that i'm the only friend and the only person you've ever really had. and i'm sorry i have to leave you like this. i'll be waiting tomorrow, yeah? waiting for you to just yell it out. yell that i'm a killer. i'll be waiting for you to save everyone. be strong and save them for me, taka.
Taka would've been perfectly fine with dying if it meant Mondo would get out of here alive. They haven't known eachother for very long, but Mondo was the first person to know Taka at all. Any person who would give Taka the time that Mondo did was utterly irreplaceable, and Taka couldn't live like this. Now that he's had a taste of what being loved is like, he can't live without it. He can't live without Mondo. Taka wishes he could be strong for Mondo. Strong like Mondo. But he can't. He's weaker than all of them. Taka misses him.
and stay the goody-goody that you are. it's really something special when there's somebody as good and pure in this fucked up world as you.
thank you for being a part of my life while it lasted.
Taka wishes he could say he had the ability to change, but nothing happened. Taka would always be a "goody-goody" no matter what. But now that he's lost everything, he's only a shell of the person he was before. Taka wishes it lasted longer. God dammit, Taka missed him.
oh and uhm i guess pardon my language?
— mondo
Taka nearly chuckled, but he didn't have it in him. It was so Mondo. If only he were here. Taka could scold him all day. Scold him for his language, for going out at night, anything if it meant he would be there with him. Taka felt the tears finally drip onto the wrinkled paper in rapid succession, like the floodgates had opened. They didn't stop, and they were making the note illegible. But Taka didn't care. He clutches the paper tighter as he cries.
Taka fucking missed him.