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Ivan did not expect to open his eyes again.
That last look…the last time he had ever seen Till was still imprinted in his mind. His eyes were so beautiful, like the green of the grass they had laid on as children, like the red of the stars that were falling from that sky on that night.
Ivan was happy to have his face be the last thing he would ever see.
So why did his lungs felt like they were burning from the inside, and his shoulder ached like no tomorrow? Is this what death felt like? Then he was glad it was him and not Till.
He still believed what he had said to Sua. Ivan’s death would’ve never hurt Till, because Till’s gaze was always catered towards Mizi. Ivan would be lucky if Till even thought about him in passing after Ivan died.
[he was never lucky]
He blinked his eyes open, the blurry ceiling too bright for his sensitive sight. Looking around, he could see a machine attached to the bed, the wires criss-crossing over and inside his body.
For a second, he thought he was back into the Alien's cruel embrace. He was the favourite, the most pampered, they would never let him die, would they? They would keep him forever in their claws [and he would willingly stay there, as long as he could look after his love].
But a small cough from the side calmed his thoughts. Ivan turned towards the sound, finding the smiling face of Mizi .
His eyes widened, and for a short horrific second, he could feel them burning up. He and Mizi were never close, but she was precious. Precious to him, precious to Till. The reason he hated what Sua did was because of what he knew it would’ve done to Mizi.
[what he knows he would’ve never done to Till]
He opened his mouth to speak, ask her why, how, where is Till, is he okay, are they both dead but no words slipped past his throat. She came closer, wearing that same smile on her face. The one that was warm like the sun, but her eyes held shadows that they didn't have before. Her hand came up to help him sit up, and she reached towards the table near the bed to pass him the glass of water.
He drank up, noticing how her grip never left his shoulders. Maybe he wasn't the only one glad to see the other one.
“You've been asleep for so long, Ivan”, Mizi started, her voice gentle in the quiet room, interrupting the beep from the machines. “But I’m,” he could see her eyes shining, her grip growing tighter until he was in a half embrace, “I’m so glad you're okay.”
Ivan felt uncomfortable, to be honest. Not because of Mizi, never because of her, but because he’s never had such emotions targeted towards him. His face must’ve betrayed his confusion, his cold expression not quiet up in the warmth of the room, because Mizi moved back to sit in front of him on the side of the bed with a knowing smile.
Ivan cleared his throat, his voice still feeling so harsh. “Where's…Till? Is he okay?”
Mizi laughed, before shaking her head as if resigned. “He’s fine, he's out training with Isaac. We’re at the rebel’s home base. Turns out with all that pent up anger, he’s pretty good at boxing.” Her face held a small, private smile while talking about Till, and oh.
Ivan...was happy. Yes, he was happy. Happy that they had each other because all he ever wanted was Till to be happy. He knew it was never his place, and he had made his peace with it.
Ivan let his own, small smile slip out. If Mizi noticed that grief that seemed to etch itself into every thing he did, she didn’t point it out. He was glad, he had no energy trying to put on a cold facade at that time.
Mizi wringed her fingers together, a habit he barely remembers from their time at the garden. “You must be so confused. I’ll try to explain as simply as I can.”
Ivan could sense her hesitation, and a cold foreboding feeling took a spot in his stomach. “You were…the aliens had taken your body after your and Till’s battle. We thought you were dead. We…Me and Hyuna were almost there, but she got hurt and we had to take a break, and we thought it was too late–”
Her voice wavered, and Ivan wanted to reach out to hold her hand. Maybe almost dying had instilled caring instincts inside of him? Sensing his hesitation, she came forward and took his hand in hers. She squeezed his hand once, and kept a light grip as she kept going.
“The aliens..had put your body in some kind of a stasis? It–You were alive, but they did something that made sure you didn’t wake up, ever after your wounds recovered.”
The feeling in Ivan’s body grew heavier as she continued. She held his hand tighter as she kept going, her voice catching notes of anger.
“They took out your body during Luka and Till’s battle.”
The silence in the room grew. Ivan had never expected something like this. He had thought he would’ve become alien food at worst, or a forgotten corpse at best.
“Hyuna thinks Luka must’ve convinced the aliens to let him use you for the last round–for highest entertainment value.”
Ivan let out a laugh at that. If nothing else, he could appreciate the dramatics, even though Luka must have overestimated Ivan’s importance in Till’s life. Mizi let out her own smile at his mirth, even though she seemed more confused. She cleared her throat and continued.
“Luka wanted to use you to manipulate Till, he wanted to embody me and put you on that stage so Till would…It didn’t work, obviously. Till got so angry –he almost killed Luka when your body was brought onto the stage, attached to all these machines and wires.”
Ivan could imagine that, Till with his wild eyes and wilder hands, never one to back down. Ivan couldn’t help the love that was bubbling up inside of him. If nothing else, at least he was enough to get Till to come back to his fiery personality again.
Maybe almost dying really had changed him, because he could feel the burn in his eyes while his lips stretched into probably the biggest smile he had ever worn. Mizi’s eyes sparkled as well; she too was fond of Till’s passion it seemed.
“Hyuna and I were already planning to rescue Till from that round because we knew how far Luka could go to win, but we just never expected…”
“Me?” Ivan couldn’t help but continue, feeling a twisted sense of humour well up in him. His lips had lost the grin from earlier, but they still twitched up. Mizi rolled her eyes, but didn’t deny it.
“Once we saw Luka bringing you out, me and Hyuna tried to get to the stage as quickly as possible. But by the time we got there, Till had already beaten Luka into the ground.” They shared another quiet chuckle, and Ivan didn't comment if Mizi’s laugh still had blood tinged to it–none of them were Luka fans, after all.
“We had to–It was all so quick. We came with more reinforcements this time since it was the final round, but we almost didn’t make it out with the addition of you.” Mizi’s voice held no evidence that she was blaming him, but Ivan couldn’t help the little stab of guilt at the thought of them failing just because of him.
“But Till–at first, we thought he would be too inconsolable, seeing Luka and you. But by the time we made it up the stage, he was already kneeling by your side, taking all the wires out and trying to carry you up.”
Mizi chuckled, the image a little funny in her head. “He wasn't as big as he is now, so he couldn’t really manage to carry you. Dewey was the one who ended up carrying you with us.”
Ivan put together her words and realised that she meant Till was big now. Oh, oh no, that was not good for Ivan and his selfish heart. Mizi continued, blissfully unaware of the unholy thoughts slowly creeping into Ivan’s mind.
“You’ve been asleep for a while now, around three months. After that round, the aliens have been quieter. The rebels have been growing in numbers, and the trafficking ring that sold the human children is under fire for providing the aliens with such disobedient, unruly children.”
Mizi sighed, her gaze growing darker. “The rebels are growing, but there are too many kids still in their clutches. If we want to win, we either need to get them out one by one, or do something big enough that would take out the sentinels. The aliens are nothing without their bodyguards, afterall.”
The room descended into silence, Mizi almost lost in her anger and Ivan just–lost. He didn’t want to dwell on what the alien’s did to him between his “death” and when these guys found him. He wanted to crawl inside him skin, thinking of the needles and the blood and the pain–
“But enough about that!” Mizi clapped her hands, thankfully drawing Ivan out of his own mind, and leaned forwards. “You finally woke up after three months! To be honest, a lot of us had lost any hope of you ever waking up, but Till–”
The door slammed open, and there stood his love, panting and sweating looking like he had run all the way here. Till started stalking towards the bed, pointing one accusatory finger in Mizi’s direction. “He’s awake and you didn't even send a message for me? I had to hear about this from Isaac of all people!”
That angry tone targeted towards Mizi was so strange Ivan couldn’t help but think he had truly died and was dreaming. The Till he knew, the one who blushed when Mizi even looked in his direction–where did that Till go?
Some of his surprise must’ve showed on his face, because Till took one look at him and his voice died. His face started heating up, maybe he was embarrassed to be in front of Ivan again, considering what Ivan did the last time they were face to face.
Ivan couldn’t help but look away at that memory, humiliation filling his being. Why did he think something like that would’ve been okay? He shouldn’t have done that, not when he knew Till would never…
Well, whatever. The Ivan of that time thought he would have been too dead to deal with the consequences of his actions, and so the Ivan of now will somehow have to apologise and move on.
He moved his eyes to Mizi instead, finding her smiling sheepishly at Till.
Ah, they truly do look lovely together.
Two suns, shining together. Ivan smiled, resigned. He really never had a chance.
He turned to look at Till when the other spoke, but now he had remembered his place in Till’s life. “You…how are you doing, now?” Till still couldn’t meet his eyes, his gaze fleeting back and forth between him and Mizi, who rolled her eyes and went to get up.
“I’m gonna leave you two to talk things–”
Till cut her off. “Wait! No, stay here. Please.”
Ivan held the smile on his face, even when his insides felt like ice. Things really had not changed, had they? Whatever Luka had planned to accomplish with his body was in vain, not when Mizi was right here in Till’s sights.
“It’s fine, Mizi. I’d love to have your company for longer.”
[Ivan was always a fool for Till]
Ivan tried to make his smile more genuine, but he wasn't sure he succeeded. Mizi, being an angel, ignored that and stayed put with a half-grimace half-smile.
Ivan moved to look at Till, finally drawing his sight in as a parched man would water in the desert. He looked–good. Really good. Being away from their captors had done Till much better, his skin finally a healthy colour, a natural flush in his cheeks and his hair all floppy and soft. Ivan wanted to run his hands through them, see if they were as soft as he had always imagined. Even though Till wasn't meeting his eyes, Ivan imagined they had gone back to being just as vibrant as they were when they were kids, the same shine as that night under the stars.
“I’m doing better now, Till.” Ivan hesitated before continuing, knowing the people in front of him deserved it. “Thank you, both, for not leaving me behind.” The unspoken I didn't think anyone would have bothered a heavy weight in the air.
Mizi broke the silence first after Till had gone back to staring at the ground. “Ivan–of course we couldn’t leave you behind.” She reached forward and pulled him into the hug Ivan suspects she had been wanting to have since the beginning.
Feeling panicked but not knowing why [ he knew, he knew, he didn't want to become a figure of contempt in the eyes of Till], Ivan hesitantly put his arms around Mizi, looking up at Till to see him smiling softly.
Ivan doesn’t understand why it hits him then. The fact that Till has never once looked at him like that, that he never will, and the only reason he was doing that right at that moment was because Ivan was literally holding the object of Till’s affections in his arms right now.
He doesn't know if it makes him more pathetic that he enjoys this indirect flow of love all the same, closing his eyes and leaning more into Mizi.
[He's always been so selfish ]
Till's voice draws him and Mizi out of their hug, and he is finally looking at Ivan, his bigger-than-before arms crossed across his chest. “Of course we couldn’t leave you behind. Afterall, you're the one who knows the most about the aliens and their bases. We need all the manpower we can get, afterall.”
Ivan, being as pathetic as he was, couldn't help but feel happy about that, about being needed by Till, although Mizi looked like she was about to jump at Till and knock some sense into him.
“Yeah, I would–I’ll tell you everything I can to help.” Ivan tried to keep the eagerness out of his voice, keep his voice as cold as he could. No one liked it when he got emotional.
“NO! Till, Ivan is still recovering! And we did not just save him for his help, you stupid–” Mizi moved forward to slap Till around, and from the wince that he just gave out, Ivan is glad he is not in his position. But that scene is so reminiscent of their childhood, Mizi and Till running around giving each other piggybacks, while Ivan and Sua stood at the side basking in the shine of the sun, that Ivan couldn’t hold in his laugh.
It drew both Mizi and Till out of their impromptu slapping session, both turning around to look at him trying to control his smile.
Till has such a wild look in his eyes, so different from the glazed over look Ivan was heartachingly familiar with. Being around Mizi must’ve been doing him wonders.
Ivan is so happy for him that the gnawing pain in his chest is just an aftertaste. What use is his happiness, when Till’s happiness shines so bright, so wild? He would do this a million times more just to have that shine back in Till’s eyes.
So what if all Till wants from him is his mind, his intelligence, his information? It's more than what anyone he loves has ever wanted from him. Ivan doesn’t understand love, but he knows how important it is to be useful.
“I would love to help, Mizi. My knowledge will forever be yours.”
All three of them know he’s not saying this to Mizi.
If all Ivan can do is be useful, then he’ll do his best to fulfil what is wanted from him.
Hyuna looks at him impassively with one eyebrow cocked. Ivan gives a close-eyed smile in return.
She learns towards him, crossing her arms over her chest. Ivan feels a little intimidated, sitting alone and unarmed on his hospital bed, but he was the one who requested this meeting in the first place.
“So, loverboy, you want to disclose information about the Alien-stage base? What do you know about that place that I wouldn’t know already?”
Prove your usefulness, is all Ivan hears. He won't let him down this time.
“The collars that they give us, they all have the same password. I used to take them off Ti–I used to take them off all the time, and they never noticed. They don't have any alarms on them either, but they do have trackers. If you have someone that can hack into them, you can easily disable–”
Hyuna waved her arm and leaned back into her chair, crossing her legs. “I already know about that, and we’re already working on it. Anything else?”
Ivan narrowed his eyes, and he couldn't help twitch his own eyebrow. So it's like this, huh?
“The aliens are deathly allergic to a combination of clematis and human tears, but they don't know that.”
“And how do you know that?”
Ivan felt a smirk come up on his face, much more reminiscent of his cold personality. “I had an alien pet, and, well, you can guess what happened next, can you not?”
Hyuna let out a loud laugh, startling Ivan but the smirk on his face turned into something softer. “I like you kid, you got balls.”
Hyuna smirked, getting up from her seat. “Still too much of a loverboy, but at least you’ve got some brain compared to that pack of muscles.” Ivan twitched at the nickname, a little cruel even though it was for fun.
She moved towards the exit, looking back at him over her shoulder. “Rest up, loverboy. Recover your strength, and when you feel good enough, go meet Isaac. He’ll tell you what to do next.”
Ivan let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, falling back into his reclined bed. “She’s very intimidating at first, right?”
Ivan looked up to see Mizi enter the room, with mouth watering food in her hands. The aliens always got him food, but it felt too wrong, the taste always on the wrong side of good. The food here though, the way it warmed his stomach–the only other thing that made him feel as good was Till.
“Thank you for the food today too, Mizi. And yeah, Hyuna really is–something else.” Ivan gave the girl a smile, one she returned as she set the food in front of him.
“She’s a softie deep inside, you’ll see. This place wouldn’t be what it is without her.” She passed him the spoon and moved to sit on the chair beside his bed, fussing over his bed before passing her gaze over the window beside his bed.
Ivan hummed in agreement. “You don't have to sit here with me everyday when I eat, you know? It's been a week since I woke up, there’s no need to tend to me daily.”
As nice as it was to see Mizi, she was not the face he truly wanted to see. Till hadn’t visited him since the first time when Ivan woke up, and Ivan–he doesn't know what he expected, really, but going back to square one of ignorance and avoidance really was too much for his heart.
Mizi giggled, catching on to his thoughts. “Of course not, loverboy. I'm not the face you truly want to see now, am I?” Ivan burned up a little in response, and stuffed his face with the soup to avoid answering. They both knew it was true, anyways.
After a minute of silence, Ivan asked her quietly. “How is he, anyways? I haven't seen him since I woke up–I wanted to–” Ivan cut himself off, not wanting Mizi to face the ugly truths buried deep inside him.
Mizi tried giving him a smile, but ultimately failed. “He’s fine. He’s–nothing happened to him, if you’re worried about that. He’s just scared to face you.”
The food in his mouth turned bitter at her words, the hunger he felt gnawing inside him before turning into despair. “I see.”
What had he been expecting, really? After what he did to Till? Putting his own selfish selfish emotions on him, just a burden to carry. He should’ve been kinder, he shouldn’t have thrown himself at Till, he should’ve–
“Ivan! Ivan please, it’s not what you’re thinking!” Mizi’s panicked voice drew him out of his thoughts. It seemed he was too deep in his emotions to realise she was talking to him. How embarrassing.
“It’s okay. I’m sorry Mizi, I feel quite tired right now after my talk with Hyuna.” He reached out to put his food on the table beside the bed, ignoring the twinge of pain from his abdomen.
He ignored meeting her eyes and gazed outside of the window, scared of what she’ll find if she looks too deep into them. “Can you take the soup back? I’m not hungry but I'll eat it for dinner tonight.” Another failed attempt at a smile.
From the corner of his eye, he saw Mizi shaking her head and muttering, “God, I am so bad at this.” She reached out and held his hand again, not letting go until Ivan looked at her.
“Ivan, I think you misunderstood what I said. Till is–He’s not scared of you , he’s scared of what you did for him, and what it means.”
Isn't that worse? Ivan wanted to ask. Wasn't it worse when the person he loved was afraid of his love? What does that say about him, about his love? Maybe this was why he had never been loved by anyone else before.
Ivan said none of that. “It’s okay, Mizi. I understand now. If you come across Till, can you tell him to meet me one last time? I just–want to apologise.” For all that I did, for all that I am. I’m sorry that he was a victim of my shallow love.
Mizi shook her head but smiled when she left, which confused Ivan but he didn’t have the energy to figure out the nuances of human expressions. He can only hope she takes pity on him and relays the message to Till.
It was nearing midnight when the door to the room opened again. Ivan was reading, since the thoughts in his head deprived him of the peace needed to fall asleep. He was confused, who would visit him this late at night? Was something wrong in the base?
His alarm grew and Ivan sat upright on the bed, trying to get out of his bed when Till walked in. Ivan was shocked, his mouth slightly open as he took in the sight of Till trying to close the door as quietly as he could–he didn’t think Till would visit him so soon after his talk with Mizi earlier that day.
His body, however, protested against him getting up so suddenly, and his hand slipped on the bedside table, making it rattle. The noise snapped Till’s attention to Ivan, his eyes widening as he rushed forward.
Ivan’s eyes were still peering widely into Till as the other boy helped him sit back onto the bed, his arms reaching around Ivan to prevent him from slipping again. Ivan’s hand’s landed on Till’s arms, which were so much bigger than before. Ivan gulped as Till pressed him back into the bed, letting him go and moving back to sit in front of him.
They sat in silence for a moment, just looking at each other. Well, Ivan was looking at him–Till was, as usual, avoiding his gaze and looking at the book Mizi had gotten him to read.
“What–” Ivan cleared his throat before continuing, “What are you doing here, at this time?”
Till blushed, muttering something under his breath. Ivan’s brows furrowed, and he leaned in to listen clearly. Till looked up as he noticed Ivan leaning in, the blush on his cheeks deepening.
Ivan couldn’t help the small smile, Till was just so cute . Till’s eyes skittered to his lips before he looked away again, this time a frown marrying his face.
Right. This was Till, who was scared of what Ivan did.
“Till I’m–”
“Look, it’s–”
They both started at the same time, and Ivan gestured at Till to keep going. The boy looked at him again before moving his gaze towards the door. “I’ve been checking up on you, sometimes.”
Ivan’s brows furrowed in confusion. “And you couldn’t do that during the day, like Mizi?”
Till groaned, his ears turning red as well. “No, you annoying bastard, I couldn’t bring myself to face you–” He cut himself off, not wanting to go on. Ivan understood enough, anyways.
“Till,” Ivan inched his hand closer to Till’s on the bed, itching to hold that warmth in his arms but knowing that he couldn’t, “Till, I’m sorry about what I did. I never thought I would–I never expected to live, and I know it doesn’t excuse my actions, but I just really wanted–”
To his shame, he could feel the tears welling up in his eyes again. Whatever those aliens had done to him, they really made him a cry baby, huh. He blinked a few times before continuing.
“I really hated Sua for the longest time, you know.” Till looked a little confused at the topic change, but didn’t interrupt him. “I thought she was the worst for sacrificing herself and leaving Mizi behind like the way she did. And I realise that my actions look that same way to people–hell, Hyuna calls me loverboy –but I knew that it was different.”
Ivan could feel Till’s eyes on him for once, but he couldn’t bring himself to look up and see contempt in those eyes. At least not when he was sort of confessing his never-to-be-returned feelings.
“I was different, because I knew you never looked at me that way. I was just a dog looking for affection, and when I couldn't find any I just started loving you instead.”
His hands were turning blurry and fuck, it was too late now, wasn’t it? All his ugly feelings were laid out before Till, ready for him to kick and spit on, and Ivan wouldn’t even stop him.
“I’m sorry, but I just wanted to feel that love one time before I died. If I was going to die, I wanted to love as freely as I could, because I knew I would have never hurt you the way Sua hurt Mizi.”
He could Till forming fists from the corner of his eyes, and he would welcome the pain from those hands anytime.
“It doesn’t make what I did right, but I just–Thank you, Till, for being the victim of these shallow feelings of mine. And I'm sorry that you had to–”
He’s cut off. At first he thinks that Till did end up punching him, which Ivan wouldn’t fight back against, but the feeling was too soft to be Till’s hands. It's only when Till moves back that he realises it was–
A kiss.
“What…” Ivan’s voice was hoarse and Till cut him off yet again, “Just shut up, you self-sacrificial bastard.”
Till’s lips were once again on Ivan’s, his hand soft and scared against his cheek, softly dipping into his hair. Ivan felt so warm, so confused but so full, like the Till-shaped hole in his heart had finally been filled.
He closed his eyes and leaned forward, ignoring the twinge in his sides as he intertwined his own hands in Till’s hair.
This kiss was nothing like the one they shared on the stage. For one, Till actually seemed to be enjoying himself, and Ivan wasn’t dying. Till’s hands were so warm, his breath soft puffs on his cheek.
Till leaned back to look at his face, Ivan chasing back into him to never let that kiss end. Till gave him another soft kiss before he pushed him back. Ivan didn’t even realise he was crying until Till brought his thumbs up to wipe at his tears.
“You’re such a– fool” To Ivan’s horror, Till’s eyes were turning glassy and his voice was starting to wobble. “You–you’re not the only one who should be sorry, Ivan.”
“After you–after that round, the entire time, I was just numb. I couldn’t process what had happened. I lost Mizi, and then you, you who were always there, and I could no longer find you in my shadow. I didn’t know what to do. I wore what they gave me, I sang what they told me to.”
Ivan didn’t want to imagine a Till like that, not when he had thought that his death would never affect Till for the longest time. “I–” Till cut him off again, his thumb moving down to his lips, caressing his little tooth. “You had your turn, it’s my turn to speak now.” Ivan nodded, not entirely believing this wasn't a delirious dream.
“When it was time for the final, they dressed me up like a groom. At that time, I didn't realise it, nor did I care. But then during that performance, I saw that guy–he brought you up out of nowhere.” Till’s thumbs were pressing soothing circles onto his cheekbones, and Ivan felt high on his attention.
“You were hooked to all these machines, but they had kept your old clothes–the bloodstained ones. I just got so angry. How dare he use someone I cared about as such a cruel pawn for his little game, how dare he use someone who died for me like that–”
Till chuckled, although his laugh had no mirth.
“I lost my shit, and beat the hell out of that guy. After he was down, I went over to you just to find you were still breathing. Those freaks did who knows what but at least they kept you alive. All I wanted at that moment was to take you out of there and leave. And suddenly the alarms were blasting and the rebels had come to pick us up.”
“I met the others, we got you here and now you’re awake. You know the rest.”
Ivan did know the rest, but what he knew did not line up with the way Till was behaving at that moment. “But you–Mizi said you were scared of what I did–”
“Mizi shouldn’t speak on things she doesn't have full context about.” Till’s scowl was familiar but the person he directed it towards was not familiar at all. Ivan’s confusion and growing unease must’ve still shown on his face, because Till leaned forward again to catch his lip for another breathtakingly gentle kiss.
“Ivan, when I said I was scared of what you had done, it was because I thought no one should’ve ever loved me like that. I–my hands were never gentle enough to hold your heart without hurting you.” Till leaned forward to lean his forehead against Ivan’s as his voice grew quieter.
“I’ve always been seen as someone who breaks and fights and bruises, and I was a dumb kid who never knew what to do with the love you so openly gave me. I was too stuck on Mizi, because she was a sun that shines on everyone. She never expected anything from me, I never had to give anything to her. I’ve always been a coward.”
One of Till’s hands had dropped from his face to hold onto Ivan’s hand, holding it in a gentle grip. “That night, when we almost escaped, I stopped not just because of Mizi, but also because I was scared . I was a coward who wasn’t ready for the love and the freedom you gave me, and I–I’m so sorry Ivan.”
Till’s body shook with a sob, and Ivan thought it was so wrong, so wrong for his love to cry, so he moved his arms around him to crush Till into a hug. Ivan wanted to drink in those sobs from Till until his love’s chest was free of all the pain. Till’s arms moved to clutch Ivan’s shoulders, one of his hands moving back into his hair.
“This entire time, from the moment I saw you falling in front of me with that stupid smile on your face until right now, the only thing on my mind was that I should’ve run off with you during the meteor night all those years ago .”
Ivan couldn't help his own choked sound at that, the words something he had deep down wanted to hear his entire life. “I felt–” Till’s arms squeezed him closer to himself, as if afraid Ivan would disappear if he let go, “I felt so awful when you returned to that prison because of me. You could’ve been free, but you came back , and the dumb kid that I was never realised what that meant.”
“Don't call yourself dumb.” Ivan’s voice was muffled, his words spoken into Till’s hair, but he was sure Till got the message when he proceeded to punch Ivan into the side. “That is not the point right now, you idiot!”
“Till,” something in his voice must’ve tipped Till off, because he grew quieter, “All that I did for all those years was never for you. They were for me, they were the manifestation of my own feelings. I knew you would have never returned my feelings since I learned to understand how Sua and Mizi behaved around each other, but I kept on loving you, and that was because of me only.”
Ivan moved out of the embrace, moving his hands to hold Till’s cheeks. His eyes were puffy, his nose a little red and his ears were definitely still red. How cute. Now that he knew he was free to do it, Ivan had to leave a kiss before he could continue.
“Don’t feel guilty about not liking me, Till. I never loved you expecting anything in return. Truly, I don't know why I love you. It’s just–a part of me, something I could seldom breath without at this point. I’m selfish like that.”
Ivan smiled at Till, his love’s eyes finally meeting his own. “Maybe we could’ve been happier if we had escaped that night, but we wouldn’t have been the we that we are right now.”
Ivan watched in real life as Till turned redder and redder, before he was tackled back into the bed, Till’s lips back on his. If this was a dream, Ivan never wanted to wake up.
However, he felt cold air rushing onto him, and he opened his eyes to see Till jumping out of the bed. “Wait here, I have to–just wait.”
Till hurried out of the room before Ivan could even get a word in. He huffed a laugh, his love had truly not changed.
The quiet of the room was a blessing because Ivan had a lot to process. So–Till likes him? He’s not scared of Ivan like he had feared? He kissed him?! Multiple times too?! Maybe Ivan does not actually need space, because his heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest from happiness.
Before his head could boil off, Till came back into the room, once again huffing and panting. Funny how it was so similar to a week ago, but the way he felt was completely different. Ivan was glad that he was alive, right now.
“Why did you run off like that, Till?” Ivan smirked, feeling better than he had in ages. “Did I scare you off again?”
Till scoffed, rolling his eyes and sitting on the bed, this time a lot closer to Ivan than before. “You wish, you bastard. I just went to grab something–for you.”
Ivan made an inquiring sound, leaning forwards to see what Till was holding in his hands. It was a piece of paper. “What’s it about?” Ivan looked up to see Till once again looking away, but Ivan held his jaw and turned his head to face him head on. He cocked his eyebrow at Till until he softened and sighed in defeat.
“This is the song I started writing, after our–after. I stopped halfway, cause I couldn’t bring myself to think more about you, but after we found you again and we moved here, I finished this song. Since it was for you, I wanted to show you.”
Ivan felt the love inside of him threaten to boil his insides. He could die from the warmth Till was emitting, and his mind could not stop his body from reaching forward and pressing his lips to Till’s once again in a quiet embrace. He hummed against his love, moving back after giving him one more small peck.
“So I can read it? Full disclosure, no take backs?” Ivan couldn’t help but tease one more time.
Till muttered in fake distaste, glaring at Ivan. “Just do it before I burn it, you bastard.”
Ivan chuckled but decided to not test Till’s patience. He unfolded the piece of paper, noticing the myriads of scribbles and scratches on the paper, almost quarter of the first half of the page crossed out. There were round smudges on the paper that disrupted the ink’s flow, and the margins had drawings that were crossed out. There was a drastic change after the middle, with the handwriting a lot neater and the words looking more settled.
What do you think when you think about love?
I’m dumbstruck when you’re tender but
It tears through my head, does it haunt you too?
Diamonds in the dark in your old bedroom
You held me like my mother made me just for you
You held me so close that I broke in two.
It tears through my head, does it haunt you too?
Never really said that I loved you too
Lucky lucky you that I’m fortune's fool
Such small words but they hit so huge
I don't think I realised
Just how much I miss you sometimes
We were young and so in love
We were just creatures in heaven
Ivan’s hands were trembling as he held onto the paper, the words cutting deep into him. The striked out lines, the tear stains, the words themselves–
He was stupid, he was so stupid to think his death wouldn’t mean anything to Till. An arrogant selfish man drowning in his wrong illusions about the world, so eager to jump into conclusions that were never in his own favour. His own tears joined the old marks on the paper, Ivan doing nothing to stop their descent.
Till grew panicked as he saw the tears fall, his hands coming up to Ivan’s face. “Hey, what–it’s okay if you don't like it–”
Ivan rushed forwards and buried his face in Till’s shoulder, one hand tightly gripping the sheet of paper while the other fisted in Till’s t-shirt. “I–” Ivan felt a sob break through, which only panicked Till more. The other’s hands were moving over Ivan’s back, trying to soothe him. It was strange to see someone who never showed any emotions to be this inconsolable.
“I love you, I love you so much. ” Ivan choked out the words, pressed them onto Till’s neck, over Till’s heart until the other wouldn’t be able to exist without a small piece of Ivan always nestled deep inside him.
“I didn’t know–I never thought you would’ve felt this way. I always thought love was supposed to look like what Mizi and Sua had, but I was so wrong .”
He could feel Till’s heart beat against his, the warmth of his body an infinite comfort in this cold universe. “I didn’t recognise your love, and I never tried to make you understand mine. I was stupid, Till.”
Till let out a muffled laugh, his voice wet. “You were. You’re an idiot sometimes, Ivan. But so am I. We’re just two idiots who realised our feelings almost too late.”
“But we made it,” Till moved back and looked deep into Ivan’s eyes again, and oh how could have Ivan missed his entire being being reflected in those orbs, the red in the middle just like his own? Till’s lips stretched into the kindest smile Ivan had ever seen, and then that smile was pressed onto his own.
“We were almost too late, but we made it, Ivan. It took us a long time, but we’re here now, and I’m never letting go ever again.” Another kiss was pressed against his cheek, right below his eye. “I’ll fight anyone and everyone to keep this for myself.”
For once, Ivan had no more words left in him. He had loved Till thinking it was doomed, prepared to die to let his light shine on. But his star loved him back, just like how the moon always came back to the earth.
“I’ll fight anyone and everyone to keep this, too.”
Ivan moved to connect their lips for one more soft embrace, their love finally getting the change to bloom. “I’ll be kinder, I’ll love you the way you deserve to be loved, Till.”
A sharp pain on his forehead interrupted his haze, his sight drawing in Till glaring at him with pink cheeks. “Did I ever tell you to change, you bastard?” He huffed, pouting a little. It truly was too much for Ivan’s heart. “I like you just the way you are, you idiot.”
[I’m only really me when I’m here with you ]
Ivan’s smile made his cheeks ache, and he could feel his sharp tooth digging into his lip. Till looked a little mesmerised by the sight. Ivan just laughed at the smitten puppy look on Till’s face, squishing his cheeks between his fingers.
“Thank you, Till. For saving me.” The and I don't mean from the aliens went unspoken, but Ivan thinks Till understood, seeing how his eyes softened.
“Thank you, Ivan. For always saving me.”
There was nothing else Ivan could have done except smile in the face of his sun, his universe.
Much later, near dawn:
“Hey, did I ever tell you…”
“Hmmm, what?”
“Your arms, Till, they're so… huge now.”
“...”
“Can I–”
“Hey bastard! Don’t grope me like that you–”