Hermitcraft one shots but trans :D

by orphan_account

Summary:

tw's: suicide, self harm, depression, misgendering.

hehe im trans therefore everyone is. projection? maybe a lil bit. whatever. enjoy this mess.

Chapter 1: i start asking why im staying

Notes:

chapter title is from painkiller by beach bunny. hardly related except the one line the title is lol.

<𝘎𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘛𝘢𝘺: 𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭 𝘥𝘰 𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩 𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭𝘴 𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴?>

Pearl walked back and forth, already stressing about the situation. She (no thats wrong) could agree and potentially break down in front of two of her friends. On the other hand, she could stay home and be miserable. So it was be away from home and miserable or stay at home and miserable. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺'𝘭𝘭 𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘦/𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘨𝘰. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺'𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭𝘴 𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘰. 𝘚𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭, 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘥𝘺𝘴𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘤 𝘥𝘢𝘺, 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘨𝘰. 𝘙𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯. 𝘖𝘩 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘭𝘦𝘵'𝘴 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵.

So that's how Pearl found herself staring at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, holding a small razor blade she kept in a locked cupboard. She held it against her wrist. 𝘊𝘶𝘵. One in and it felt good. She shouldn't push too far this time. 𝘊𝘶𝘵. Two in and she felt the blood drip down on the sink. 𝘊𝘶𝘵. Three was deemed enough.

She put down her razor blade again and went back to her room to finally reply to Gem's message.

<𝘗𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘴𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘮𝘰𝘰𝘯: 𝘺𝘦𝘢, 𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦. 𝘚𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘶𝘴𝘺 :𝘗>

She went up again to bandage her wrist, when she looked down. 𝘌𝘸. 𝘛𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴. She just looked at the part of herself she despised. She decided to change into a binder and a hoodie, and not bandage her wrist. Though she did feel like death, she was ready to head over to Gem's.

ooo fancy stuff imagine there fancy break line ok bye

Pearl arrived at Gem's house like ten minutes later, and kinda just stood outside for a bit before pressing the bell.

"Hi Pearl! Stress is already here, you can sit in the living room. I'll come with snacks soon." Gem greeted cheerfully, clearly not sensing that Pearl was down. (with down I mean on the verge of actually killing herself.)

"O-okay Gem." Pearl said and headed into the living room, where Stress sat and tried to pick a movie.

"Hello luv. Do you have any recommendations? I am lost." Stress asked, scrolling on whatever streaming service.

"I don't know, sorry mate." Pearl responded, not finding the energy to smile or add a cheerful tone. Stress continued to search for movies while they both sat there, in a comfortable silence. Waiting before Gem came back.

"I got the goods. Chips and popcorn for the girls." Gem said, holding two bowls. "And dehydration is not my problem"
𝘕𝘰𝘸 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦. Pearl thought. Sh-𝘩𝘦 knew he was dramatic, and that it was his fault Gem didn't know, but it still hurt.

"I feel sick" Pearl mumbled, so quiet Stress barely caught what he said.

"Oh are you sick luv? What hurts?" She asked, worried.

"Eh, it's probably nothing." 𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘳. "Probably ate something weird." 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘢 𝘬𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘮.

"Oh, poor Pearl. I'm sure Gem has some painkillers if needed. Also I've picked a movie. Just a silly one so we can chat over it and don't have to focus on the plot." Stress announced.

Pearl felt like vomiting. "Is it fine if I, like, go home? I feel bad, but I'll be here for next" He hesitated for a second before continuing. "Girls sleepover."

"Oh totally fine! Hope you feel better soon Pearl!" Gem said, as Pearl stood up and walked to the door.

"I'll see you guys another time." Pearl replied, before closing the door and basically running home. He rushed into the bathroom and stared himself down. On the parts of him he hates. The feminine parts. He also kinda let his other mental issues spiral. He thought about his eating disorder, about how he feels out of place wherever he goes, about the future he wasn't sure he wanted at all.

He cried as well.

He looked at himself in the mirror and cried and thought and, like on autopilot, unlocking the cupboard and once again holding the razor blade. It didn't hurt when he did it, but he wished there was a more... 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘦𝘯𝘵 solution. Which he knew there was. It didn't even terrify him anymore. He just wanted it to end. He put down his razor blade in the cupboard, this time after two cuts.

He went out of his bathroom and into his bedroom. It was so disgustingly feminine in there. He put on his comfort sweater and black jeans. He picked up his comm and, two stacks of dirt. He wrote a quick note on his bed, saying he's sorry and that nobody should feel guilty for his actions. Then he went out to adventure.

He almost immediately found a nice forest with a small field in the middle. He took his dirt blocks and started building upwards. He felt the dirt on his feet and the wind in his disgusting, long hair. When he ran out of dirt, he could see all the way to Gem's house. Gem. Oh Gem. The last person that will have ever spoken to Pearl.

He took a deep breath and one last moment to appreciate the view, before letting himself fall.

Notes:

y'all like me killing the characters apparently. are you guys okay?

Chapter 2

Summary:

Scar.. actually wasn't feeling too bad about himself.

Wasn't.

One good day means the next is worse.

Grian had invited himself over and now they were sitting and discussing whether or not the new members would start any wars their first season.

Notes:

bro im so sorry i suck at dialogue. im not a trans fem person or bigender, so sorry if this is inaccurate.

im a trans guy with little to no frens to check if this is good.

Scar and Grian sat and talked after Grian came over. Scar only didn't chase him out because Scar wasn't feeling too bad about himself.

Wasn't.

One good day means the next is worse.

That "worse" oftentimes means a bad dysphoric day, but Scar had learnt to ignore it and pretend so that he wouldn't miss out on anything. He didn't even know in which direction he felt dysphoric. If he didn't know his gender at all, it was hard to do anything about the dysphoria.

Grian had invited himself over and now they were sitting and discussing whether or not any of the new members would start any wars their first season.

"No like I get your point, but they barely know the others on this server." Scar argued.

"I get ya, but Joel is going to anyway. He's a chaotic man. If he doesn't embrace it, I'm not sure I wanna live on the same mountain as him." Grian said back.

"Ok. I get that, but still. What about the Skizz? He doesn't start wars, he makes slightly inappropriate jokes that you don't really get if you're me." Scar questioned.

"Ok. You're tired. Go to bed. I'm gonna go home. Bye." And then Grian just left. Scar was alone again. 𝘖𝘩, he thought. 𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭, 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘯𝘰𝘯 𝘥𝘺𝘴𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘤 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥.

Scar packed a bag with just some potions, food, and water. Then he went out to adventure in the woods.

First he picked up Jelllie tho.

Then he went to the closest forest and started to let his imagination run wild. He slayed monsters, (most of which he named Dysphoria) he climbed trees, he found a pretty hill and walked up on it, sat down and enjoyed the sounds of nature.

As he sat there, on the hill, he looked out over the view. Pretty beautiful. He drank some water and suddenly just felt a hit of dysphoria. 𝘍𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘬.

He immediately packed up his stuff and made his way back to his home, Jellie sitting on his shoulder.

When he got there, he put Jellie down on the floor and changed into something more comfortable. Then he went to the living room couch and wrapped himself in a dysphoria potato. (I'm gonna keep using that term, you cannot stop me.)

Eventually, he just frikking fell asleep.

---------

The next day, Scar woke up feeling 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘴𝘦. He was still in his dysphoria potato, but this dysphoric day he decided that he'd at least figure out who he is.

Even if it's the last thing he'll do in this cruel world.

He stood up, immediately regretted his decision, then went to his bedroom to pick up his comm. There were unread messages in both the general chat and his private chat, but he didn't read any of em.

He opened the version of Google he had and searched "what gender am i?" getting the links to gender quizzes he expected.

He tried again.

"am i a girl?". Now he (she?) was getting some answers.

He learnt immediately that euphoria was a feeling he hadn't felt in his life, and decided to just, yknow, base everything in dysphoria instead. He saw blogs of trans women talking about their experiences and how they figured it out. He saw cis people just trying to learn and understand more. He saw quizzes.

And decided to take one.

Twenty questions, 2 hours, and one mental breakdown later, Scar got the result "You may be a trans woman, but you're answers are leaning towards nonbinary or somewhere under that umbrella."

No clear answer.

So he (they??) did research. About trans people. About nonbinary identities. They found one. Bigender. Denoting or relating to a person whose gender identity encompasses two genders.

Maybe not the male gender.

Maybe something in between and maybe girl?

Scar broke down crying again. He checked the time. He was supposed to meet up with some of the magical (or was it magic? i don't remember,plz tell me) mountain crew, but that would not happen. He, a 𝘮𝘢𝘯, would never leave this house again. In fear of the others finding out.

In fear of not being accepted.

In fear of being kicked out and not seen as a hermit anymore.

In fear of losing his friends.

In fear of losing his 𝘧𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘺.

So he pretended. Whenever someone messaged him, he'd come up with another lie about what he was doing. Mining, building, planning. When Grian invited himself over, Scar would talk like everything was normal.

Even though he isn't.

He's a monster. He doesn't belong on a server full of wonderful people. Yeah, we have Cleo and Joe, both of which uses other than just she and he, but that's 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵.

So when he was mentally breaking down and heard a knock on the door, he panicked slightly.

He wouldn't care normally. Just put on a happy face and play pretend.

But.

He was wearing a dress. Just a cottage ish dress that made him extremely euphoric, before he figured out what he was 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 doing.

"Scar? I know you're in there my dude."

Scar immediately recognized that. Rendog. No. That hurt a little when he said dude. But he didn't know any better.

"Come in, Ren." Scar mumbled, and wrapped himself in a blanket to hide the dress.

Ren came in, and looked around before he saw Scar on the couch, wrapped tightly into a blanket. Scar did have circles under his eyes and cry marks around them.

"Aw Scar, man. What happened, dude?" Ren asked, and sat down next to Scar.

Man. Dude. Both felt like a frikkin gunshot to his heart. Scar didn't cry again though. He had already cried his tears.

"Nothing, Ren. I'm fine." Scar replied with a small, weak laugh.

"No, you're not. Tell me what's bothering you, my du-." Ren said in a soft voice, before Scar cut him off.

"Just stop. Say anything 𝘣𝘶𝘵 that and I'd be pretty happy. Not that word." Scar said, mumbling the last part.

Honestly, this simple interaction drained any and all euphoria he had left from when he first put on the dress.

"Which word? I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong." Ren asked, in the softest voice Scar has ever heard.

Scar thought about his answer. "𝘐'𝘮 wrong. I'm wrong and I'm sorry and I'm a monster and kick me out of the server I don't care I just want to be happy but this stupid gender identity thingy makes everything 𝘴𝘶𝘤𝘬, Ren." Scar rambled, falling over his own words and talking so fast Ren barely kept up.

"You're not a monster, Scar." Ren said with a hug. "You're not a monster and you're not getting kicked off the server. If X did that simply cuz you may not be a boy, I'd personally go and kick that dudes butt."

"Thanks Ren. Can you.. stop calling me a dude? I'm not?? also if you'd change that prounons you use thatd be great thanks."

"Of course, Scar. What prounons would you want me to use to refer to thou?" Ren asked, theatre kid style, which made Scar giggle.

"She/they. Or basically anything except he." Scar mumbled. He- 𝘴𝘩𝘦 was still nervous about being kicked off the server and not accepted, but as long as they take it one step at a time, it'll all be ok.

"Of course." Ren picked up Scar's comm, which was still on the couch. "D you want me to change it yet?" Ren asked.

"I wanna tell a few people first." Scar confidentially said. She didn't know if she would. They didn't know if her closest friends were supportive. But she at least had Ren now.

"Fair enough. Well, I gotta head out. Call if you need help with anything." Ren said and stood up.

"Ren, wait. I wanna show you something." Scar stood up as well, and she let the blanket fall down to the floor.

Ren's mouth opened and he looked shocked.

"Scar, you're pretty in dresses. Wear em more often" Ren said, before disappearing out the door.

"I will." Scar mumbled. "I will."

---------

The next day, Scar sent following message in the magical Mountain group chat: (let's pretend they have one ok? ok)

GoodTimeWithScar: hi guys. whens the next time we all can meet up? i have something slightly important i need to talk about.

GeminiTay: im busy for a few days but i can make time on Sunday if thats cool?

impulseSV: im not doing anything sunday, that works.

Grian: im just building my base. sunday works good. skizz? joel? mumbo?

Mumbo: Works good for me! Skizz?

Skizzleman: yea that works. joel?

Smallishbeans: sorry didn't see chat. im free sunday.

GoodTimeWithScar: Fantastic! See you all then!

Scar put down his comm as the others said bye. She was gonna tell her friends. She still sat in the dress, she realized. She hadn't changed since Ren was here. 𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭, 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘢 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦.

She went to her bedroom and took her usual clothes. They felt.. masculine. A lot more masculine than she'd like. But they'll have to work for now. She put her dress furthest back in the closet and laid down in bed.

She was tired and hungry, but couldn't bring herself to eat or sleep. So she laid there, waiting for Sunday to arrive.

time skip to sunday cuz im frikkin lazy.

She woke up in the morning, feeling like she was gonna starve. She hurried to the kitchen and saw their comm on the couch. They had missed so much chatter in the main chat, but reading through that could wait. They had all decided that 1pm worked best.

They went back to the kitchen and searched for something to eat. She found some golden carrots. Will work for now. It was now noon. One hour. She has a bit to travel as well, so she gotta be ready soon.

She went to the bathroom and jumped into the shower. Quick shower, out again. They brushed their teeth. Then they stared into the mirror. At her masculine features. 𝘕𝘰, 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘥𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘸. 𝘐 𝘨𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘢 𝘨𝘰. She thought, and ran out of the bathroom and out of the house.

She professionally jumped down onto cOW (yes i will make cOW canon in this AU, screw u) and rode all the way to the meeting place.

She was first there.

She sat down on one of the seats and planned what she was going to say. Online some said it was good to prepare for answers to some of the questions they might have.

Which Scar had prepared for. Now it was what was she actually gonna say. "Hi guys. So.. would y'all hate me if I wasn't a boy? I'm bigender. Girl and nonbinary." That's pretty good.

"Straight to the point, I'm bigender. Girl and nonbinary. She/they. If you hate me, I don't care." Also a good one. But Scar didn't get more time to think, because now the others were starting to arrive. Impulse first, who politely greeted her with a "Hello! How're you doing?" to which Scar replied: "I'm doing ok, will be better soon. You?" And they had small talk.

Then Joel arrived. He "Sup"'d them and then sat down. Then Gem and Grian arrived. Then Mumbo. Last came Skizz.

"Okay, now that everyone's here I realized how stupid this is to do in group. Too late I suppose" Scar chuckled. "Hi guys. Straight to the point. I'm bigender. Girl and nonbinary. She/they. No dumb questions, ask what you want."

Silence.

Scar was met by silence. Then Grian raised his hand.

"Yes, Grian?"

"How... 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 have you not felt like a boy?" Grian nervously asked.

"Good question. Hard to point out 𝘦𝘹𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘭𝘺 how long, but you know boatem? Yeah, I started feeling not like a guy back then. I didn't know what it was yet though. I actually figured myself out just like last week." Scar replied.

Joel raised his hand.

"Joel?"

"So.. to make this as clear as possible for my ant brain, you are two genders? Is that correct?" Joel asked

"That's correct." Scar replied, happy her friends didn't like hate crime her or anything.

"Oh Scar I'm so sorry. You're invited to next girls night." Gem blurted out.

"Yeah and we gotta change the name on boys night. Boys plus sometimes one that isn't one really night? Too long. I'll work on it." Skizz said.

"Skizz, we can just say like chill night or hangout or something like that." Impulse sighed.

"Im happy you told us, Scar!" Mumbo cheered.

Scar smiled as the others continued chatting. Gem sat closest to her, so they leaned over and whispered:
"I'd love being a part of girls night."

Notes:

i think imma make a one shot book for the click and one topic ship fics.. im mentally unstable and i haven't found any fan fiction of them on here.

edit: I FORGOT ABOUT MUMBO LOL I'VE FIXED IT NOW.

Chapter 3: loneliness can get to you

Zedaph was lying in her bed. She figured she should do something about the feeling of not wanting to, yknow, wake up in the morning. But that could wait.

She should 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 do something about the out of place feeling she gets at girls nights. She figured maybe it's because she's not that close to the others.

But then they became closer.

And the feeling stayed.

She figured it was just her anxiety. But the feeling never really went away. Her anxiety came in spikes and she'd have bad days, weeks, months, years.

But it always went away eventually, even if it sure didn't feel like it right now, lying in bed, not having spoken to anyone for months.

She felt slight disgust with her body as well, but figured she has some form of body dysmorphia disorder. Though some part of her still hurt everytime she got an invite to girls night. Everytime she saw someone talk about her in chat. And she felt worse because she felt 𝘣𝘢𝘥.

... Now that she has all the time in the world to think about it, that may be because of abusive past experiences. Makes sense.

To pass the time, she just scrolled through old open tabs on her comm. On her 𝘰𝘭𝘥 comm, the one she had before coming to Hermitcraft.

She found some cool stuff. Most of it for school or things such as "how to run away from abusive home as a teen" which she remembered led to.. her parents yelling at her and being physical about it.

She tried not to think about it too much. Her other issues already stressed her enough.

She continued to scroll through her tabs, until she saw one that caught her eye. An old conversation between her and a friend, where that friend had asked about gender related stuff. And later came out as trans.

Zedaph remembered her parents making her not talk to that friend anymore after that. And Zedaph also remembered being curious about it herself, but obviously not able to look into it. Therefore just never doing it at all.

After she sent a message to that old friend, apologiesing for not contacting them, she opened a new tab and searched "transgender identities" to learn more.

time skip cuz ✨laziness✨

Several hours of research, several mental breakdowns that led to... punishing herself, Zedaph came to the conclusion that she isn't cis, but she was also in denial about it now, because of how her parents viewed it.

Now she was lying in her bed again, crying into the pillow while blasting music in her headphones. She didn't want anyone to find out about her identity, especially since she had such a hard time accepting it. Not that anyone would care. Nobody had spoken to her in 5 months and counting.

Nobody had even checked on her to see if she was 𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦.

Wait.

Zedaph turned off her music.

𝘕𝘰𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘧 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘳.

When she had come to that conclusion, she wrote a note, saying everything she wanted to say. She checked the time. 4:36 am. Wow. So stereotypical of her.

She wrote a personal message in the ZITS chat. Not that anyone in that group cared either. She made sure to add a couple hearts at the end.

Then she went to her storage system to pick up three stacks of dirt and a journal.

She went out to leave a personal sign at Xisuma's base. He's the admin, after all. He deserves to know at least what happened.

When she was back, she started building up. Into the sky. It was.. Pretty beautiful. The sun rise and everything.

She checked the ZITS group chat a last time. Skizz was the only one that had replied, pleading her not to do it, whatever the reason was. Zedaph chuckled and replied with "come stop me then. oh wait. you can't. you don't know where im at :) im sorry skizz. be happy that i at least died during a nice sky." Then she turned off her comm

When she ran out of dirt, she opened the journal and wrote down her last thoughts. Her thoughts about 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦. And why she decided to end hers. She wrote that she would miss the people, but that probably nobody will notice she's gone in months. She wrote why they wouldn't know. That she's already been away for roughly five months and nobody has checked on her. But also that she doesn't blame them.

Then she finished with "After all, life comes to an end eventually. And I feel.. fulfilled isn't the right word. Done. I will miss you all, but I hope you can live with that at least I died during a beautiful sunrise. I hope to see you in another, happier life.<3"

Then s-𝘩𝘦 looked out over the landscape once more, took a deep breath, and jumped.

Chapter 4

Xisuma couldn't rest. There was so, so much work. She didn't fully have time to think about emotions or anything like that.

To calm herself down, she went to the shopping district and looked around. It was pretty late, so there weren't many people. And the few that were there was almost exclusively shop owners closing for the night.

She sighed and sat down on a bench. She didn't need to sleep, she wasn't tired. She couldn't sleep even if she was tired either. Her head was cloudy. With thoughts she deserved punishment for.

That's what she thought, at least.

It's not normal, was what everyone told her before she was a hermit. It's unnatural. She was born a girl, she'll always be a girl. It's not good for the server either, to have such a unstable admin. Not even a good one.

She just wanted some reassurance.

But she's the admin. She's the one who gives, not takes. The one hermits can go to with technical issues and bugs, but also to vent or tell someone about their feelings. And Xisuma loves that! But it hard to really appreciate it as much when she herself deals with these emotions.

Alone.

She just needs someone to tell her it's okay to be 𝘩𝘪𝘮self. But she didn't think it was okay for her to be herself, to be the true Xisuma.

Everyone before had told her so many bad things. And she didn't feel that way about other people, but she thought she deserved punishment. The way her parents did it.

Keralis had tried to ask about her past, which led to them not speaking for a week. And her crying at 3am, but Papa K doesn't have to know that.

Now she sat at this bench, in the shopping district. The final people were now getting ready to go home. Someone tapped her lightly on the shoulder, and when Xisuma turned she saw Keralis, clearly worried.

"Shashwammy, what are you doing out at this time alone?" Keralis then got a look at the part of her face you could see through the mask. "Oh no, Shashwammy what happened? Why are you crying?" Xisuma hadn't even noticed it.

"I.. Don't know. Just tired, Keralis." Lying.

"Shashwammy, I can sense there's something wrong. What's on that beautiful mind of yours?" Keralis asked, true care in his words.

Xisuma hesitated.

On one hand, she could just admit she wants to frekkin die, but on the other she could just say she doesn't feel right and run away like cryptic message and stuff.

"Am just thinking. Makes me sad, yknow." Xisuma still considered just going for it and running.

"Aw, Shashwammy. I think we should get your sweetface home, no?" Keralis asked, already tugging a little at Xisuma and starting to walk away.

"Mm" Xisuma was too tired to argue. How does thinking consume this much energy? She simply followed Keralis to his house.

"It's a little far to yours. You can stay for the night." Keralis smiled at Xisuma, which reminded her she's here for the hermits.

She's, deep down, thankful she didn't die at fourteen.

"Thanks." Xisuma smiled back. "I actually appreciate this."

"I'm happy. Make yourself at home. I'm gonna go to bed before I collapse. Goodnight, sweetface" Keralis said with a chuckle before disappearing to his room.

"Goodnight, Keralis" Xisuma said, even though he was already gone.

She collapsed on the couch and opened her comm. She actually did have some unread private messages. Some were reports about bugs, some were just asking how she was. She didn't reply though.

She fell asleep.

She didn't plan to. But she was more tired than she admitted. The next day she woke up to Keralis making pancakes in the kitchen.

Xisuma sat up on the couch, immediately feeling 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘥𝘢𝘺, 𝘥𝘺𝘴𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘢 𝘴𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘴. But she immediately shook it off and ignored. These thoughts... She wants to punch someone. She wants to be.. not this. But she can't.

She just has to ignore the pain everywhere.

She heard Keralis and then a door closing. She had momentarily laid down again to.. not feel like crap.

"Good morning sweetface! I made pancakes!" Keralis said in an oddly cheery tone for a human being at 8:36 am. He swooshed forward and placed a plate on the table in front of Xisuma and one for himself a bit away.

"Morning Keralis. Thank you. It may not sound like it, but I do appreciate this." Xisuma said as she sat up.

"You said that yesterday, but I do appreciate that you appreciate it. Makes sense. In my defense, I'm Swedish." Keralis joked with a chuckle.

Xisuma laughed as well. On the outside, at least. She still felt crap.

"Thas funny." She commented while chewing on some pancake. "Why are you good at everything you do? What the heck." And good 𝘨𝘰𝘥, these pancakes were good.

"Aw sweetface. Thank you." Keralis replied with a smile. "Got any plans for today?"

"No. Work, I suppose." Xisuma replied, trying to focuse her mind on the pancakes, not the thoughts telling her nobody will ever accept her as who she is.

"Well, wanna hangout? There's a bunch of people who're going to the beach.

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩.

Or in Xisuma's words, hell. But she can't just decline right after she said she got nothing to do except boring work.

"I'm up for it, I suppose." 𝘋𝘰 𝘸𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘸𝘪𝘮? was the question nagging her mind, but it'd be weird. Nobody usually cares. No mentally stable person cares.

"Wonderful! I think I'm going now actually, just to chill a bit there first. You wanna come?" Keralis asked. The beach. Just to chill for a while.

𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵

"Sure." Xisuma replied, still eating her pancakes.

"Okay, cool. You have anything you gotta pick up from home?" Xisuma froze for half a second before continuing with her repetitive motion of eating pancakes.

"No." Was the only response she could think of. Not what Keralis expected apparently, judging by his face for half a second.

"Well, that's cool. I'm basically done as well. Shall we go, Shashwammy?" Keralis asked.

Right when Xisuma finished. "Sure"

And that's also why she, a trans person in denial, ended up at the beach at 9:29 in the morning.

Xisuma and Keralis just lied on the beach and chatted for a while. 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘨𝘰𝘥 𝘒𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴, she thought. His mind would probably, hopefully, never bring up gender in a conversation.

Well, Keralis did most the talking.

Xisuma was right when she woke up. Real bad dysphoria day. Why did she agree to the beach? She dumb.

"So what have you been up to recently?" Keralis asked. 𝘔𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘭 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘐'𝘮 𝘪𝘯 𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘢𝘭 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳. 𝘊𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘪𝘳 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘵𝘺 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘢𝘴 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭. 𝘈𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘯 𝘢 𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘥𝘢𝘺.

"Nothing much. Work." Xisuma replied. She 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘸 people thought she always replied the easiest response. But she did always go over like a billion different thing she could say before she settled on a basic one she couldn't be blamed for.

"Dang. You gotta do more stuff, Shashwammy."

"No." Xisuma politely declined. She was happy with the anxiety she got from lying in bed and thinking about something as meaningless as 𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳.

"Dang again. Your grandkids are gonna think you are a boring grandma." Keralis jokingly replied, completely unaware of the amount of pain him saying that caused Xisuma in this moment.

𝘐 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘥𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴.

"Can you.. not?" She thoughtlessly mumbled, without thinking. (yes I did that on purpose)

"What? Whatd I do?" Keralis asked, not sounding offended, just curious.

"Nothing. Just.. the term grandma" This was the closest Xisuma had been telling another hermit about it.

"Oh. Okay. That's cool I guess. Well. This is awkward."

"Agreed." Xisuma replied. She did want to come to enough terms with herself that she wouldn't mind telling Keralis like this.

"Oh. Well. The others are coming soon, by the way" Keralis said, trying to change the subject.

"Cool." Xisuma replied. She did not care about her following actions being rude.

She stood up, turned around and walked away.

"Shashwammy! Where you going?" Keralis screamed, and Xisuma did hear footsteps. Fast ones. So she ran. She was a little too fast for Keralis to be able to catch up, which he figured out, so he spent his energy on screaming a last time.

Xisuma first calmed down when she hit a small forest. She sat down against a tree and just 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵. About life. The small things. The bad things. The.. Gender stuff. Sh-no 𝘩𝘦 did want to tell Keralis.

So when 𝘩𝘦 heard footsteps again, he stood up and walked in the direction of the sound.

"Shashwammy, you scared me!" Keralis said and threw himself around Xisuma's neck. (hugging. in case that wasn't clear.)

"Can we.. talk? It's nothing bad!" Xisuma added the last part when he saw panic flash across Keralis' face for a split second.

"Okay, sure." Keralis replied and sat down on a nearby bench.

"Uhm. How does one start these conversations.. Would you hate me if I wasn't who you thought?" X asked.

"No? You're still you." Keralis said with a puzzled look.

"I'm transgender." X blurted out before he could stop himself. He put his hands over his own mouth and then slowly moved them again when he saw Keralis face.

"Well that's wonderful! I appreciate that you told me." Keralis hugged him.

Him.

Xisuma Void. Admin. Boy.

"Almost didn't tell anyone. Haven't accepted it myself yet. But we're getting there. I trust you." X added with a smile.

"I'm here for you." Keralis said with tears in his eyes. "I'm proud of you."

"Thank you. I.. don't know how to come out to the others. Maybe at a meeting." X looked into the distance.

"I'm here every step of the way." Keralis replied, still hugging X.

---------

At the next meeting, with Keralis by their side, Xisuma started with this banger:

"We got some stuff to talk about, first let's get this out of the way. I'm transgender, he/they. Okay, then. Next we got the new redstone bugs"

Of course, it sparked some chatter and questions after the meeting. But X was okay. He.. Felt okay. Not great. But better.

He's getting better.

Chapter 5

Summary:

remember: this is FICTIONAL. any character portrayed as a bad person in this book is not me saying they're a bad person. cleared that up for no reason. deffo not due to some recent events involving a certain person from the dsmp and a certain person in this fic. thanks. enjoy.

Notes:

tw: one character says a slur at one point

lol i was almost finished then i went "what if they gender fluid tho?" tf is wrong w me. also everyone is out of character. yoo finished it finally yes aaaaa

Wels looked themself in the mirror once more before heading out. They had a binder on and pretty masculine clothes for a closeted afab gender fluid person. Today, they preferred they/them, though nobody knows they're gender fluid yet, so probably nobody will use those prounons. They sighed. They had plans to meet up with some people to just hangout for a while.

As they shot off into the air, they tried to drown out their thoughts telling them they should've just stayed home and rot in the dark.

They made it to the place where they were meeting up. Everyone else were already there.

"Hello Wels!" Xb said before turning back to his conversation with iskall. (omg my keyboard autocorrects iskall to Israel rip) Wels nodded in his direction before sitting down in the grass a bit away.

They were planning to come out to at least one person today. Though they doubt they will, as their anxiety already skyrocketed. They simply sat there, far enough away so nobody would bother them but close enough so nobody would think something is wrong.

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸?

𝘐𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘩 𝘪𝘵?

𝘙𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦?

Wels shook up a little as memories resurfaced, but they did their best to just focuse on the other people there. There was some people that were visiting from other servers. A lot of people from the Life series and empires. Wels got the idea to tell one of those people, as they wouldn't be here for long anyways.

They thought over what they would say, before they went over to a smaller group of people from empires. They planned to ask Jimmy, that they already know is supportive, if they could talk for a second.

As Wels made their way there, their anxiety once again skyrocketed. But they powered through. They awkwardly stood next to the group of people to wait for the chatter to die down a little. Or at least until Jimmy wasn't that involved.

"Hey, Jim?" Wels asked, quiet enough so only Jimmy could hear them.

"Wels? Hi." He said as he turned away from the group.

"Can we talk? Like, one to one?" Wels asked, trying to not sound too nervous.

"Of course." Jimmy said and walked away, far enough so nobody else would hear them. He signaled for Wels to follow, which they did.

"What did you want?" He asked.

"Uhm. Fudge I already regret this." Wels said, now very obviously nervous.

"Take your time." Jimmy said patiently.

"I'm not a girl." Wels blurted out. They put their hands over their mouth and held their breath.

"Oh Wels. What are you then?" Jimmy asked with a calm tone.

"Gender fluid. Today, they/them. Don't tell anyone." Wels replied, relieved Jimmy didn't react badly.

"Of course not. That's wonderful. Thank you for telling me. Though I don't understand why me? Don't you have closer friends?" He asked.

"Well, yeah. But I don't know how they'd react. I know you would react well." Wels replied, feeling lowkey stupid.

"Fair enough. Well, I'm going back to the group now." Jimmy said. He hesitated for a second, before he wrapped Wels into a hug. They were confused, but happily returned it. 𝘞𝘰𝘸 𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘰𝘧 𝘱𝘩𝘺𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘢𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘴 𝘢 𝘩𝘶𝘨𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦.

Jimmy left and Wels made their way over to Xb. They silently sat next to the group and went over it in their head again. Before they could come far though, they heard a voice calling for them.

They turned around and saw Shubble come over to them.

"Hi Wels." She said.

"Hello Shelby. What's going on?" Wels asked.

"I'm good. Just noticed tranny and thought I'd try to push some common sense into her skull." She casually replied.

Wels froze. They are a push over and probably won't tell anyone about it, but that word and the way Shelby said it was too similar to... They tried to shake off the feeling and just replied instead.

"Well, I'm sure they won't care about basically a stranger's opinion on how they decide to identify. And basic respect for others is common sense, I fear." Wels replied, staring into Shelby's soul.

"She's just delulu, nothing wrong with that." Shelby said before walking away again. Wels went back to Jimmy's group and knocked him on the shoulder.

Jimmy turned around and saw a lowkey panicked Wels before him.

"Oh god. I'll come back soon guys." He said and followed Wels to behind a boulder. "Hey what happened?" Jimmy asked.

"Shelby was being bad. I don't like her." They mumbled.

"What did she do?" Jimmy asked, still patient.

"She called me a slur and used she/her, when she had obviously figured I'm not a girl. The slur part was just unnecessary. She called me delulu. But the entire time she did it like she spoke about another person. She didn't say "You're just delulu" she said "She's just delulu". I want to tell someone but I can't because I don't know if people will take her side." They ended their rant with a small sob and hugged Jimmy to feel some small amount of safety.

"Thats not cool. I'll tell Xisuma." He said, returning the hug.

"No! Don't. I don't want to destroy others fun." Wels said, panic in their voice.

"Wels, she literally called you a slur and delulu. I won't tell X, but be careful, okay?" He said, trying to sooth Wels.

"I promise. I'll go back to Xb now." They said and backed out from the hug. "Bye Jimmy."

"Bye Wels."

Wels made their way to Xb and tugged lightly on his shirt. Xb turned to them and Wels mouthed "follow me". Xb excused himself and politely followed without question.

When they were far enough away so nobody could hear them, Wels took a deep breath and decided on what to say.

"Would you hate me if I wasn't what you though I was?" They asked, very nervous at this point.

"What? No, of course not. You're Wels, my friend. Nothing will change that." Xb replied, confused.

"I'm no girl. I don't know how people haven't guessed that. I'm gender fluid, and I'm so sorry." Wels said and hugged Xb.

"Hey, no apologies. That's wonderful. I'm very happy you told me." Xb returned the hug. "What pronouns do you use right now?" Wels backed away again after a couple of seconds. They smiled. They smiled and for once meant it.

"Thanks, Xb. Today, they/them" Wels released a breath they didn't know they were holding. "Now, how does one come out to an entire freaking server? Because it sucks being called something I'm not."

" I get that. I don't know, though. You can always tell Grian. He's supportive of Solidarity so I think he'll be supportive of you." Xb replied, trying his best to help.

"Oh yeah. I can do that." Wels paused. "Is it socially acceptable to come out to someone via text?"

"Man, I don't know." Xb said, thinking his hardest. (omg hard tihi. im sleep deprived, leave me alone)

"Ah, screw it."

Wels opened their communicator and pressed on Grian's profile. While they did so, Xb excused himself and went back to the group he came from. Wels thought about what he could write.

Welsknight: hi grian. just wanted to pop in here and say im gender fluid, today they/them. ok bye grian.

Grian: wait. wat.

Grian: oh okay nice. bye wels

𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵.. 𝘸𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭.

time skip cuz im tired of writing at this point :/

The visitors had been long gone. Today is another meeting. 𝘛𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮.

Wels arrived slightly early, but not nearly as early as some of the others. He sat down next to Xb, the only person he trusted right now, and waited for either the meeting to start or for a moment he could chime into the conversation and just say it.

Turned out to be the latter.

The chatter in Xb's group died down a little and Wels decided to talk, despite his anxiety shouting at him to do literally 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘶𝘵 that.

"Hey guys? Can I just say a thing real quick?" Wels waited for an answer instead of just saying it. His anxiety would push this, oh god. He's glad he's getting it done sooner rather than later though.

"Of course!" Xb said, slightly excited that Wels actually spoke for once. The others hummed in agreement.

"I'm gender fluid. Today, he/him" Wels said before he could stop himself. Xb hugged him from the side and whispered "proud of you" into his ear before releasing him again.

"Okay. Yo, he can be a part of some of the guys night now!" Bdubs said, very excited.

Everyone else started chatting again as well, and Wels felt comfortable enough to actually talk for once.

-----------

It had been a couple months. By now, everyone knew. Wels would wear either a pin or a bracelet to show what prounons they wanted to go by that day.

They figured out that the more feminine genders were less common in their fluidity, but that they no longer had a problem wearing dresses and skirts. It felt good.

Sometimes, if the timing was right, they'd be a part of guys night. Sometimes, girls night. Sometimes, they'd stay home and watch a movie alone.

Some people still accidentally got the prounons wrong. They'd always correct themselves and apologize before moving on.

It got better.

Wels got better.

Notes:

should i make a chapter that is like the aftermath after zed died? or pearl? idk. honestly, ill probably end up killing someone else in the process :,) lemme know if yall want that

Chapter 6

Summary:

the events after zedaph's death.

Notes:

tw's: mentioned character death and mentioned suicide. and also misgendering before they know abt zed. i think that's all.

lol that one comment that wanted it motivated me to just do it. i may do pearl as well but that will suck more than this.

Impulse was heading over to check on Zedaph. He hadn't heard anything from her in a while.

"Zedaph? You here?" Impulse called out. No response. He continued to look and eventually got to Zed's main base. In there, he found a singular chest.

A book. Signed by Zedaph.

Impulse slowly opened the book. The text read:

𝘋𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳'𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴,
𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴, 𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘦. 𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴. 𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦. 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘰 𝘣𝘢𝘥. 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘰 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘶𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳. 𝘚𝘶𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵? 𝘐 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘴𝘬.

𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭, 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵. 𝘐'𝘮 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥. 𝘏𝘢𝘩.

𝘙𝘦𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺, 𝘐 𝘢𝘥𝘰𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘩𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘮𝘺 𝘵𝘦𝘦𝘯𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴. 𝘐 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘨𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘢 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦. 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐'𝘮 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘦𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳. 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘰𝘺 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵. 𝘐 𝘧𝘪𝘨𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘵. 𝘐'𝘮 𝘢 𝘣𝘰𝘺, 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘢 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭. 𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘺 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴. 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺, 𝘐 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘐'𝘮 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘦. 𝘏𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘻𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦. 𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘵.

𝘏𝘶𝘨𝘴, 𝘡𝘦𝘥. 𝘩𝘦/𝘩𝘪𝘮.

Impulse closed the book. He was struck with shock. He'd never thought this would happen.

------

When Xisuma woke up, the last thing he'd expect was a sign from Zedaph, reading: 𝘩𝘪 𝘟. 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦, 𝘪𝘮 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥. 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺. 𝘴𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘥𝘦. 𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘥𝘮𝘪𝘯, 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸. 𝘣𝘺𝘦. 𝘹𝘹

Xisuma's just woken up to find out one of his hermits are dead. His brain couldn't quite process it. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘴𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘢 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘺, 𝘶𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘺. He checked the code to search for Zedaph's status.

𝘌𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳: 𝘗𝘭𝘢𝘺𝘦𝘳 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥.

Oh.

Xisuma tried to shake it off still, and went to just make breakfast. He was waiting for his coffee to brew when he got a notification on his comm.

impulseSV: xisuma. can u come over? im at zed's.

impulseSV: please, X. i need you.

Xisuma thought that was weird. 𝘗𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦. He strapped on his elytra and messaged Impulse back.

xisumavoid: omw

When he got there, Impulse stood outside, holding onto a book for dear life. Like if he dropped it, he'd die.

"Impulse? Hi." Xisuma said as he landed.

"Xisuma. Read this book. Zedaph left it here." Impulse handed Xisuma the book and he carefully accepted it. When he had read it through, he sighed.

"I know. Didn't know the boy part, but the suicide I knew. He left a sign at mine. When I tried to check his code, it told me there's no player named Zedaph. I'm so sorry Impulse." Xisuma added that last part when silent tears started to run down his cheeks.

"I checked my comm when I waited for you. At around 4:30 or so AM, Zedaph sent a text in the Z.I.T.S chat, explaining that he's doing it. The only one awake was Skizz. If I were awake, I could've stopped him." Impulse mumbled the last bit, obviously feeling lowkey guilty.

"Hey, Impulse. It's not your fault. Honestly, I'm glad you were asleep at freaking 4:30 am." Xisuma replied in a soft voice. "Nobody could know what Zed was feeling. Whenever asked, he'd say he was fine. Impulse, don't feel guilty."

"Okay, Xisuma. But.. how are we supposed to tell other people about this? When's the next meeting?" Impulse asked, and with all right to do so as well.

"Next meeting is tomorrow. I can send a message in chat asking people to do their best to make it. Or else there is 100% gonna be someone missing because of some project." Xisuma explained.

"Okay, do that." Impulse curled up on himself and put his head in (on?) his knees.

xisumavoid: Hello everyone. I have quite a serious matter to talk about at tomorrow's meeting, so I'd like if as many people as possible could make it. If not, you'll be missing some very important information regarding a fellow hermit. Thank you.

After Xisuma sent the message, the chat exploded with questions. Xisuma simply said all questions will be answered at tomorrow's meeting.

time skip cuz laziness agaon (i have to go in 7 mins help-)

-----

When Impulse arrived at the meeting, he immediately spotted Tango and Skizz, leaning against each other. Impulse silently sat down next to them. 𝘞𝘦'𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘴 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘸.

Xisuma officially started the meeting and the chatter died down.

"Hello Hermits. I'm glad so many could make it. Though, I'm not glad about what this is about. You may have noticed that one person is missing here."

He got some hums of agreement in response.

"Zedaph, more specifically. Yesterday morning, I woke up to a sign from Zedaph explaining what had happened. Later on, I got a message from Impulse, asking me to get to Zed's house. When I got there, I found a shaky Impulse, holding a book and asking me to read it. Zed explained the situation in more detail than on the sign. Zedaph, is dead."

Several people gasped. Impulse leaned against Skizz. Skizz patted him on the head, a sympathetic look on his face.

Xisuma sighed.

"It is very sad that we had to lose a hermit this way. However, Zedaph said one more thing in the book that I think is very much worth mentioning." He paused for a second to breath a little. "Zedaph explained he is, in fact, a boy. So, I want to ask you all to respect that and use he/him when talking about Zedaph now."

The room quieted down. Not even Skizz or Tango knew this yet. Impulse was nervous to hear people's reactions.

"And if you can't do that, just don't talk about Zed at all. His literal dying wish was this." The room was completely silent. Some folks nodded, some just sat still. "Now, is it possible to move on from that very dark segment and talk about normal meeting stuff" It was said as a question, but it sure didn't sound like it.

--------

Later that week, they held a funeral for Zedaph. Basically everyone turned up, and they talked about him like they didn't found out just a couple days ago that he's a boy.

It took time, after that. It took time to move on, and some may never fully recover. It became tradition for some to leave a flower on Zed's grave everytime they passed. Some coped by not doing anything, not even acknowledging that he was gone. Xisuma stayed strong to support everyone through the first months.

----------------

Extra, unnecessary part that I'm writing solely to cope w the fact I'm havin to talk to my grandma rn:

Zed was flying around the world. He was present, but not really, at the meeting when Xisuma told everyone about his death. He was happy nobody immediately disagreed.

He was there for his funeral. It hurt him to see his friends so sad.

𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦.

He was there during the long nights Impulse spent lying awake, talking to the walls and listening to music, trying to distract himself. All Zed wanted to do was hug him. He wished he had given everyone a proper goodbye, even if that was just a hug, even if the others wouldnt be aware that was the last time they'd see him. He wished he figured himself out before. He wished he told people when he was feeling like death.

𝘛𝘰𝘰 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵.

He sighed and let the void consume him properly.

Now he didn't have to wish anymore.

Chapter 7

Notes:

this is a clusterfuck of a chapter, not gonna lie. it's 1am and i usuLly write in the day. don't read this. please. i beg. tw for suicide n bad thoughts n poo. dont read this. ever. pleas.

Solidarity checked his phone again. He was lying on his bed, kinda wishing to be dead.

𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘰 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘸𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘶𝘱 𝘴𝘰𝘰𝘯? 𝘪 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘪𝘯 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯<3

No reply. Four hours ago. He sighed again. Why would they reply anyways? Why would he ask in the group chat? Jim curled up against the wall and put his head on his knees. He let the silent tears fall. He didn't feel like going anywhere, or talk to anyone.

𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘦?

He uncurled himself and opened his texts again. No reply. He blinked away the tears and got up from bed.

Jimmy made his way downstairs and outside, not caring whether he looked like an absolute mess or not. He made his way downtown and immediately bumped into someone he knew.

"Oh hi, Jeannie" Joel said and smiled, though Jimmy could see it was forced, but was too tired to care. (im so sorry for jeannie, i couldnt find any good fem version of jimmy lol)

"Hello Joel. How are you doing?" Jimmy asked out of pure force of habit.

"Very good. How about you?" Jimmy could see how forced the politeness was. Or was it his paranoid mind? Probably both.

"Could be bet-worse." Jimmy prayed Joel didn't notice his slip. But of course he did. Joel raised an eyebrow.

"Are you sure, Jeannie?" He asked. Jimmy sighed. 𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘴𝘢𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘺 𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘦. 𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘦. 𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘦.

"I'm sure, Joel. Jus tired. Got stuff to do." Jimmy made no effort to actually convince Joel.

"If you say so! Don't want to keep ya here, see you later." Joel smiled and walked past Jimmy.

Back to business.

He went to the closest pharmacy and bought some pain killers. A lot of painkillers. Then he went to the closest liquor store and bought a bottle of wine.

He had forgotten to write a letter, but was too tired to remember at all.

He got back home, locked his front door, went to his bathroom, and locked that door too. He could still back out, technically, but he didn't want to. His suicide note would be his journal.

He stared at himself in the mirror, though he couldn't see much since he hadn't bothered to turn on the lights. He sighed once more and opened the wine bottle. He opened the painkillers and proceeded to swallow them 𝘢𝘭𝘭 and then down half the bottle of wine.

It was painful, but he at least couldn't regret it in the morning. He smiled as he took his last few breaths and the darkness hit.

===========

Joel decided to visit Jimmy. It was long ago they got to just hangout. He knocked on the door. No answer. He knocked again. No answer. He literally broke down the door and walked in, now worried. It was 𝘢𝘸𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘺 quiet. He found the bathroom to be locked, and broke down that door as well. He gasped at what he saw.

Jimmy's lifeless corpse.