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The thing is, Marisol knows Eddie loves her. No, that isn’t entirely true. It would be better to say Marisol knows Eddie likes her. She knows Christopher likes her too, although this could be because she’s been relegated to the role of somewhat cool babysitter. She isn’t stupid, she is well aware that she’ll never be a mother figure to Christopher, she doesn’t want to be either. Don’t get her wrong, she likes kids, but the maternal instinct passed her by. That was part of the reason she’d become a novice. Sure, she was religious and dedicating her life to God had some appeal in her youth, but she couldn’t deny to pull of having an excuse as to why she didn’t have children.
Eddie is a good guy, and the sex is great when they get around to having it. Eddie is also somewhat absent, which Marisol doesn’t necessarily dislike. She hardly wants to be someone’s kept wife, even if she does want to be in a relationship. She sees a lot of herself in Eddie, if she’s been honest. Two people going through the ropes of societal and familial expectations. Him asking her to move in is a surprise, and his discovery of her past is somewhat disappointing. She doesn’t know how to feel when she’s practically kicked out immediately. He obviously doesn’t mean it like that, he wants to try, and so does she.
Buck has been a part of her relationship with Eddie from the start. He slots so easily into roles that Marisol can’t fit. It's hard not to like Buck, with his warm, welcome smile and his overabundance of energy. The man always makes an effort to make her feel like she belongs even when maybe she doesn’t. She often finds herself wondering if other people Eddie has dated have been jealous, what about the people Buck dates? She’s never asked if anything has happened between them in the past. It seems obvious to her the answer is no, either because Eddie is clearly too wrapped up in the preformative masculinity of catholic guilt or because if something ever did happen, it was likely to keep happening.
The invitation to Maddie and Chimney’s wedding shouldn’t be as unexpected as it is. She does know these people, and technically her and Eddie have been together for a while. Nothing about the day goes as planned, and she has enough empathy to feel horrible about everything to happens. She’s glad when everything turns out fine and everyone is safe. The experience just makes her realise how much of an outskirts' girlfriend she is, barely scrapping the surface, and the idea makes her chest uncomfortably tight.
Tommy is a charming guy, and Marisol can understand to some extent why Buck would like him when she finds out they’ve been dating. They look sweet together, even if it's still a little ingrained into her that been gay is a sin and should be kept behind closed doors. She’d never dare say that, not out loud, not when deep down she knows she’s wrong. It makes her uncomfortable, a queasiness developing in her stomach when she thinks about it too much. There’s a ticking time bomb waiting to explode, something she’ll survive and move on from, so maybe it shouldn’t feel like such a big deal.
Time goes by, her and Eddie take things slow. Time goes by, they go on double dates with Tommy and Buck (with Tommy and Evan, and isn’t that just sad that this is how she learns Buck’s real name). Time goes by, and Eddie stares at Buck like he has all the answers to the universe. Maybe he does.
“You know you’re in love with him,” she tells Eddie on a rare night where it's just the two of them. They’re lying in bed naked after a round of slow, sensuous sex. Marisol rests her head on his chest, and she can feel his heart rate kick up. His body twitches as he swallows nervously.
“In love with who?” he asks, his voice clipped. He knows the answer, she can tell. Still his hand runs absently up and down her back.
“Buck…Evan… maybe you don’t know it, maybe you do, I don’t know…” Marisol sighs, pushing herself up and beginning to dress herself as he watches. “Look, I’m sorry, I’m not…”
“...Marisol,” Eddie calls softly, interrupting her. She’d expected some more anger or denial, honestly. She looks over at him, he’s sitting up now, looking resigned. The blasphemous thought that he looks divine briefly crosses her mind. “I’m probably the one that should be sorry.”
She lets out a laugh, even though the situation isn’t actually funny. “Do you want to break up?” she asks.
“I mean that would make sense I’m guessing,” Eddie says as he reaches for a shirt and underwear to pull on. “I wasn’t particularly expecting my afternoon to go like this.”
“If it helps, I wasn’t thinking of springing it on you like this.”
“It doesn’t,” he responds, which seems fair enough. “Is it unfair for me to ask for some time to just figure my shit out?”
Yeah, it is unfair, she thinks. So she avoids his gaze as she says. “No, not at all. Call me if you need to talk.”
He doesn’t stop her leaving, and her phone doesn’t ring for two weeks. It's nice to see Eddie’s name flash up in a peaceful kind of way.
“Hello stranger,” she greets and he laughs lightly.
“Hello stranger yourself,” he responds, and then there are a few beats of awkward silence. “So, I haven’t exactly figured all of my shit out, but I’ve been talking to Frank,” — The therapist, Marisol’s mind supplies — “and I think we should definitely break up, but we could be friends if you want…” Eddie trails off nervously.
“Have you talked to Buck?” Marisol asks, she’s not ready for the let's be friends conversation.
“Of course I’ve talked to Buck, it's hard not to I can’t really give him the cold shoulder at work,” Eddie replies, and Marisol is pretty sure he’s been purposefully obtuse.
“About how you feel,” she prompts.
“Buck’s with Tommy.”
Marisol pinches the bridge of her nose and sits down on the arm of her couch. “So what? You’re just going to break up with me and then start dating the next random woman who comes along that you have a lukewarm connection with? Eddie come on, that isn’t…” Marisol snaps, running out of steam by the end because she isn’t actually mad.
“He’s happy, and what if you’re wrong, what if he’s just my best friend and I ruin that because you put some idea in my head. What then?” Eddie hisses, matching her energy. She gets the sense he wants to shout, but can’t because he doesn’t want to be overheard.
“I don’t know okay, but I doubt I’m putting ideas in your head because you never denied anything when I pointed out you’re in love with him.”
She can hear the sound of an alarm going off through the phone, meaning this conversation is coming to an abrupt end with no conclusion. “I’m really sorry, I’ve got to go.”
It’s another week before the phone rings again.
“I spoke to Buck, I just thought you should know,” Eddie tells her as soon as she slides her finger over the answer call button.
“How did that go?”
“He, well, he’s still with Tommy, but I think it went well. Like it was weird, obviously. Actually, he’s looking after Chris while I go for a walk.” Marisol can’t help thinking that makes a lot of sense.
“Are you happy, Eddie?” she asks which she knows is a loaded question, something she’s expecting him to lie about.
“Not really, but I think maybe I’m getting closer,” and isn’t that bittersweet Marisol thinks to herself, that he couldn’t be closer to happiness with her.
“I’m glad, I’ll see you around Eddie,” she tells him.
“Yeah…see you around,” he responds, and then he hangs up. She stares at he phone screen for a few moments before she pours herself a glass of wine.