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Amelia Shepherd chanced a quick glance in the direction of Jo Wilson. Jo just shook her head in warning.
Oblivious to the shared glances Carina de Luca continued to pace over and back , muttering in Italian, apparently to herself.
‘Carina...’
The OB-GYN appeared oblivious to the two other Attending’s in the Lounge.
‘Dr. De Luca!’
‘Cosa? What...Jo do you need a consult? I did not see you come in’
‘I’ve been here for a while, Carina’ Jo said softly.
‘Me too’ chirped Dr. Shepherd
‘Oh...’ Carina fell silent but still appeared agitated.
‘You ok? I don’t speak Italian? ‘But I did hear Maya’s name being taken in vain a couple of times, what’s Lieutenant Barbie done now?’ Amelia asked with sympathy.
She had a lot of time for the blonde firefighter and had no doubt the two women were meant to be. But Carina was her friend and she’d seen up close and personal the devastation wrought on her last year by her wife.
‘Nothing...she’s been fantastico and aaaaargh....I cannot believe she would say all this, do this, I mean who thinks like this the day before we do the transfer, I....aaargh..’
‘You’re doing a fresh transfer tomorrow, right?’
‘Si, Maya is on a 24 hr and once she gets home she has time for a couple of hours sleep and then we go to the Clinic. Miranda and Ben are going to take Liam for a few hours’
‘And Maya...she wants to back out now?’ Jo enquired gently
‘What? Why would you? Carina shook her head vigorously, ‘No, no...she is.. what does she always say, si, she is “all in”, all in.
To ivf, all in
When I say I want to move, to buy a house, all in
All in on Liam, all in on starting ivf immediately.
She has been so...so..’
Jo shrugged her shoulders as Amelia glanced over once again. They were at a loss as to what Maya had could have done to cause her wife to be so agitated.
‘You know..’ Carina wagged her finger at no one in particular, but possibly at the world ‘..people think, people who should know better, they think my Maya, mi Moglie, that, that she is hard, cold even but she is...’ she shook her head ‘...she is the softest person I have ever known. She is the most amazing Mama to our Liam and to me she, she...’
She paced a little more
‘How could she think, what was she thinking, as if I could...how she could even...’
‘Carina, what did Maya do?’ Amelia almost shouted in exasperation.
***************
Much earlier in the day...
‘Maya, Bambina, did you sleep at all?’
It was just after 5am. Carina had woken out of habit expecting Liam to need a feed only to find Maya preparing a bottle even as Liam slept. She’d felt her wife toss and turn a couple of times during the night. Had found her wide awake staring at the ceiling when she herself woke to use the bathroom around 3 am.
She’d been quiet the previous evening but Carina had put it down to worrying about the ongoing budget issues at 19 and maybe still processing her recent altercation with Mason.
‘I need to tell you something, well not ...I mean there’s something I want you to know’
With perfect timing Liam woke up, hungry, wet and very cranky.
By the time she’d changed and calmed him Maya handed the bottle to her. Afterwards she wondered if that had been a deliberate choice by Maya. She could hardly argue vociferously while holding their son.
‘I’ve been thinking, if this transfer doesn’t take...hey I’m sure it will, Carina don’t be upset’
‘I’m not upset,Maya..I just want to stay positive’
Maya nodded in agreement, ‘ I know...I’m just, you’ve said yourself that often with Ivf if doesn’t work first time and, and we’ve budgeted for at least 3 attempts and...I just want to cover all bases, ok?’
That was her wife, a clipboard in human form.
‘ I spoke to our attorney’
‘Cosa?’
‘Karen, our fertility lawyer’
‘I thought we’d already...’
‘I had her draw up the necessary consent..’
‘Consent?’
‘If I’m not here...I want you to know that..’
‘Why wouldn’t...’ she lowered her voice as Liam squirmed in her arms, ‘...why wouldn’t you be here?’
‘Carina...’ Maya’s voice was so soft it almost pained her, ‘...you know why. I want to be here, God, the thought of raising our kids with you, watching them grow, graduating from Kindergarten and Grade School and...and all the way to College and beyond. Maybe walking them up the Aisle, God being a grandmother with you, I want it all with you, I want my forever with you’
It was true. Somehow she’d gone from the teenager who self soothed with thoughts of sinking into the clouds, the young adult who slept better if her last thoughts had been of not waking up again to this. A hopelessly dedicated wife and a besotted mother who dreamt of decades and decades of a shared life.
Of forever.
‘if something happens to me..’
‘MaYA!’ the warning tone audible even if whispered. But Maya had lain awake all night trying to find the words and she would not be deterred
‘If I die on the job and you’re not already pregnant...’
‘Maya..’ this time Carina's voice was so, so soft but she was listening
‘I don’t want you to have to wonder about, about what I would want. I’d want you to stick to the plan...’
‘The plan?’
‘I mean, to still get pregnant, to use the eggs, the embryos, I want you to experience...’
‘Maya, no, don’t ask me to... I want to be a Mama with you, bambina, with you..not without you, not alone, no, no, no!’
‘Carina...you’ll have Liam, if I’m not here, if I..if something happens you’ll still be a Mama. And it terrifies me, the thought of leaving the two of you alone but...’
She moved to be closer, close enough to touch the arm cradling their son, close enough to stroke his little red cheek. A now sleepy Liam opened his eyes briefly to stare before closing them and returning to his job at hand, sucking on his bottle.
‘I want you to have everything you’ve ever wanted even if I’m not here to experience it with you.
It will be your choice, of course, and if you can’t or don’t want too...but I just need you never to wonder what I would want or if I would.. I just mean you'd have my blessing’
‘You’re blessing!’ she moved to bring Liam back to his crib. She was angry at Maya for raising this, and angry at herself for being angry. Maya spoke as if this was a reality they had to prepare for, she had to prepare for instead of it being the dystopia of her nightmares.
She didn’t go back to their living room. Maybe somewhat cowardly she went to the bathroom, locking the door, something they never did.
The longest solo morning shower ever wasn’t enough to avoid Maya completely.
‘I don’t want you to be alone’
‘Oh for God’s sake Maya..can’t you just leave it...’
But Maya wasn’t to be dissuaded ‘ Karen, our attorney has all the paperwork, all, as she put it, genetic material, will be yours if I ..well you know. To do with as you wish. But more than legally I just need you to never wonder what I would have wanted. I just want you to be happy’
‘Happy, really Maya? How the hell could I be happy if you’re dead, how could I...’
‘I know’
They moved around each other mostly in an uneasy silence. Maya seemed to have more to say, Carina had heard more than enough.
Almost ready to head off to the Station she delivered a parting shot,
‘I’d want you to be happy, my love. To meet someone, to..’
‘MAYA!’
‘Yes, Carina ..someone who deserves you, if anyone could ever truly ...I just want you to be happy if I’m.. ‘
‘Maya..’ she just shook her head
‘I just don’t want you to wonder what...what I would think...I can’t even...but I’d want you to be happy...if I’m... I know how much you love me, and that makes me the luckiest...I don’t want you to ever put any restriction on yourself if...’
She stopped and fell into silence. Carina stayed silent too.
Ten minutes of silence ensued before Maya needed to leave for work. As she did, she paused at the door,
‘ ti amo, Carina’
‘Hmm...I love you too’
************
After relating what had happened Carina fell into silence.
Jo glanced at Amelia, Amelia glanced back.
‘Wow’ said Amelia
‘Exactly’ added Jo ‘what a bitch’
‘telling you she loves you’ Amelia added with a smile
‘And that she’d want you to follow your dreams and be happy, total stronzo!’ Jo laughed.
Carina was not amused, until she too laughed loudly. The stress of the heavy conversation from earlier finally breaking.
‘You’re a lucky woman, De Luca’
‘My wife chose to spend this morning talking about dying and leaving me alone and you think that makes me...’ Carina paused
‘...I cannot imagine my life without her I don’t want to imagine it. I wouldn’t survive it, wouldn’t want to survive..’
‘But you’d still have Liam, so you would have to survive, you don’t have the luxury of choosing not to when you have a child’
Amelia nodded in agreement
‘She takes her job seriously, she is not reckless but she is brave. Sometimes her days are boring, fixing equipment, paperwork, savings cats out of trees...’
‘Wait that’s an actual thing? Jo asked.
‘Oh yes, si. During Covid Maya had to get shots for tetanus,CSD and rabies after a feral cat attacked her in a tree. She was mortified’
Carina chortled but sobered quickly.
‘She and her team almost cooked to death in a domestic garage once. Before we met. You know I worry about the 5 Alarms, about the crazy stuff like abseiling down the Space Needle and...but it could be a stupid grease fire in a house that takes her from me’
‘Cooked?’
‘Maybe Barbie should keep her war stories to herself’ Amelia opined.
‘Yeah, but when you say cooked?’ Jo was not one to let things go
‘Si, Jo, cooked..’ Carina answered in exasperation ‘..and No, Amelia, Maya tells me nothing, I pick up things by accident most times, it was Vic who told me about the cooking incident just like Travis told me about the time some of them jumped 4 floors without knowing for sure if the airbags had been ‘’
‘I still don’t get the whole cooking thing?’
‘Oh Jo! Madonna! They were trapped for hours in a domestic garage owned by some kind of security freak. The temperature kept rising because of a fire and there was no way out. In the end they had to bomb their way out.
‘What?’
‘Oh yes, Maya and Andy, how you say it? “McGyvered’ a missile to blow a hole out the garage door. It saved them. But that’s why Maya’s eardrum was damaged, even now her hearing in that ear is not good’
‘Wow’
The two Attendings fell into silence.
‘So I worry, every day, but I cannot live like that so I do not let it take over. You push it to the back of your mind. But then today Maya lands all this on me and...’ Carina inhaled deeply, exhaling slowly ‘...Maya never talked about dying on the job, it didn’t frighten her at least, the thought of it...but now since we got Liam, she’s...
‘She’s a Mommy now..’ Jo replied ‘..it hits different.’
**********
‘I think I fucked up...’
19 were on their way back from a fairly routine grease fire. Sullivan was driving, Travis was in the back with Maya, Cutler sat up front with Sullivan.
Sullivan laughed, ‘what have you done now, Bishop?’
‘Told Carina that if I die I’d want her to still get pregnant with our...’
‘One way of making sure the Bishop legacy continues’ Sullivan nodded.
Cutler added ‘Keep the bloodline going’
‘Whaat? No...that’s not it, that’s not why, that’s just...I wish we could have used her eggs, I never wanted...I just don’t want her to miss out on experiencing...Carina wants to be pregnant, not just have babies, she wants to have a baby’
‘Ok, so why do you think you messed up?’ Travis asked.
‘Carina doesn’t like to talk about what if ...’
‘No, my wife doesn’t either’ Cutler
‘I just want her to be happy if, ya know, meet someone be happy, move on and..’
‘Oh, Maya...please tell me you didn’t tell Carina to move on? Travis looked horrified
‘Well, I mean, I told her I’d want her to be happy and... did you and Michael not ever talk about...’
‘How would you feel if Carina told you to re marry if she died?’
‘That’s not the same thing at all!’
‘I say Flowers and chocolates’ Cutler suggested.
‘Her favourite Flowers and very expensive chocolates’ Travis nodded enthusiastically
**************
‘How was your shift?’ Carina shouted from the bedroom as she heard their front door open the next morning
‘Uneventful’
When Carina walked into living room Maya was standing their with the largest bunch of Flowers she’d ever seen and clutching what looked like a box of Modica chocolates.
‘Mi dispiace, Carina...’ the pronunciation wasn’t perfect but the effort really was ‘..I didn’t mean to upset you yesterday.
‘Maya, I shouldn’t have got upset...what you said was beautiful in a way’
‘ You know I want to die in your arms, old and decrepit and wrinkly and half blind and half mad and...’
‘Ok, I will take that, bella’ Carina smiled as her wife stepped in to her arms ‘...and I want to live in yours,bella’
Maya nodded
‘None of us know when or how, just that we know that’s its when not if, none of us get out of here alive’
‘Yeah’
‘ I would want you to be happy too, bella, if something...’
‘Without you? I can’t imagine..’ Maya sighed, ‘..but I’d have to try, for Liam, for all of our kids sake.’
‘Kids?’
‘Yes, kids, all of them, Liam, the one we’re putting in here today...’ Maya placed her hand gently on her wife’s abdomen, and all the rest’
‘You ready for today?’
‘I’m ready for all the days, my love, with you’
‘Me too, Maya, me too’