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“Commander?” Seelah’s voice cut through the fog of alcohol and misery surrounding Tara for a moment, though she didn’t look up. The beer glass was very interesting, not to mention the grain of the wood in the desk.
Anything was better than seeing her friends' faces right now.
“Commander, Aivu said you were in here,” Seelah repeated, and there was a thunk as the woman sat down beside her. “You know I appreciate a good glass in celebration or mourning. Or any time really. But, and please consider the source, this isn’t looking good.”
Tara managed a grunt of acknowledgement. It’s not as if she couldn’t feel the genuine concern under the glib words. The bonds of their friendship and connection, stronger than any spell, made that something she couldn’t ignore. Which made her pretty angry under the circumstances.
“Ah, you are awake! That’s a good sign, I’d hate to bother Iomedae. After how you got along she might leave you with the hangover.” Seelah put a comforting hand on her shoulder, and despite her words a familiar rush of energy chased away some of the fog. “Not to preach, but you should be drinking to celebrate life, not forget about it. I’m actually surprised, I thought you couldn’t get that drunk these days. Short of draining the brewery I mean.”
“Can if I want to,” Tara got out. Putting one word after of another was like hauling rocks, and not because of the alcohol anymore. “I’m an Azata aren’t I? Spirit of revelry, child of freedom. If I couldn’t drink there would be no damn point.” She didn’t bother to hide the bitter sarcasm, and felt Seelah’s concern grow. It made her even angrier. How dare she care about her?
“Tara, I’ve never seen you like this before. You’re scaring me. What happened at Pelura’s Falls?”
“I LET THEM DIE!” Tara burst out, and slammed her hand on the table. The table splintered, but thanks to her newfound resilience she barely felt it. Such a waste. “I let them die, Seelah. I came to save them, but that bastard got there first, and he had them in the immolating chains. He was holding them hostage, so he could escape. And I called his bluff, I killed him, and they all died screaming.”
Seelah nodded. “That’s what Aivu told me. And I read the mission report. She also told me you’re leaving something out. What did the priestess tell you, do you remember?”
Tara stared into the distance. As if it meant anything. Of course she remembered. Of course Seelah knew that. “She told me I had to stop him. She said I couldn’t let him get away with their research. Centuries of calculations and observations.”
“That’s right. One of the first things you asked me when we met was the creed of the Paladins of Iomedae. And so I know you’re going to remember what I’m about to remind you of.”
“‘I will never abandon a companion, though I will honor sacrifice freely given.’ Of course I remember. No offense Seelah, but I don’t need you to tell me that part of freedom is accepting the choices of others. I know that. I’m not worried about them. I’m worried about me.”
Seelah nodded, and didn’t take the offense offered. Of course she didn’t.
“Okay, I’m listening. What are you worried about?”
“It’s… stupid. It’s just something Ember said.”
“Ugh, I’m gonna kill her. That kid needs to learn there’s a time and place.”
“Don’t you dare,” Tara got out, protective as only Ember and Aivu could bring out in her, before settling back into the fog. “I mean you know her, she couldn’t be mean about it if she tried. She just said she didn’t understand why they were all ready to die for their research, and why I let them. ‘If someone was going to jump off a cliff you’d stop them’ she said.”
Seelah nodded. “So, sounds like you’re still blaming yourself even though it was that outcast of plague rats who put you in the situation. You think Iomedae was right.”
“Hard to think anything else. First I take the risk of not giving up my power, despite knowing that it’s playing right into Areelu Vorlesh’s plans. You know, the Areelu Vorlesh that has been playing three demon lords like a fiddle for centuries and the fucking Architect of the Worldwound, so there’s no way that could go wrong right? And then if it comes down to a choice between more power or saving people I choose power. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve any of it, and I sure don’t deserve you.”
The last came out in a whisper. “I’m not worthy of this Seelah. I never have been. I don’t deserve you or Aivu or Aru or Sosiel. Definitely not Ember. I can tell, because I imagined how much Regil would have approved of what I did and it made me sick.”
Seelah stood up again decisively. “Right. Now we’re getting somewhere. Don’t move okay? I don’t agree with what you said but… just stay here. And don’t do anything drastic. I will be right back.”
Tara gave a curt nod. Not like she had anywhere better to be. Seelah ran from the room, and from outside she heard the clanking of the Triceratops barding as she took off at a ponderous gallup.
Some time later, Tara didn’t know how long, there was a familiar rustle of leathery wings. She was sure Arushalae did it to avoid sneaking up on her, when Aru wanted to be she was as silent as an owl.
“Seelah said you are afraid of becoming like me,” she said softly.
“What? No!” Tara jolted up.
“She said you were afraid that you used the priests of Pelura’s Falls for your own ends. That you only did the right thing out of coincidence.” She shrugged. No one shrugged like Aru when the wings got involved. “It seemed familiar.”
“Aru, I am absolutely not afraid of becoming like you.” Tara took Aru’s gloved hand in hers, feeling the fever hot skin through the thin cloth. “You’re kind, and brave, and you’ve rebuilt yourself from being destroyed into something glorious. You know how much I… how much I love you. If someone said I was becoming like you I’d think it was the highest compliment I could receive.”
Aru nodded and sat down beside her. She stretched out her wing, offering. Tara sighed. What else could she do after saying that? She nodded and Aru draped her wing over her and held her close.
“You have been with me every step I’ve taken,” she said, leaning close. Their skin never touched, she was so effortlessly careful about that. But Tara could feel the heat of it.
“You’ve been there for me when I’m lost,” she continued. “And you’ve been there for my triumphs. Do you remember when I locked myself in prison?”
“Of course,” Tara replied, smiling a little despite everything. “It was the most ridiculous thing in the end.”
“It was, later,” Aru replied. Her face was composed, but at odds with her tone. “Such foolishness, and we laughed. At the time I was completely serious. I was a monster. I had fooled everyone, even myself, and would betray you all in the end. Ruin you, as I ruined so many others. I didn’t just think it, I knew it, sure and certainly.”
“And you were wrong,” Tara replied confidently, before catching Aru’s meaningful look. “Not very subtle there, fruit bat.”
“No,” she replied with a shameless grin. “It wasn’t, was it. Now. You know I can’t carry you to your rooms, so shall I have Seelah do it or can you walk?”
“I suppose I’d better walk myself.”
Aru nodded, and let Tara stand, though she did take her weight.
“I still feel miserable you know,” Tara murmured, as Aru wove a veil of invisibility around them and they began their lurching path the citadel.
“I know,” she replied. “Which is why you’re going to sleep it off. That’s what dreams are for.”
They headed off into the night, Aru humming the song of Elysium as they did. Tara was not healed, even if the bleeding had stopped. Nothing was all right.
But it would be.