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Murderface stared at the hammer. The hammer stared back. He wasn't the brightest bulb on the tree, but even William could tell this thing was an artifact of great age, and somehow managed to end up on the spacious grounds of Mordhaus. Where had this thing come from? What great warrior had dropped it in the final throes of battle, as his life ebbed from his wounds? Had he cried out? Had he been afraid? Did his enemy remember him still after many years?
Who gave a shit, it was his now. He walked over to the hammer, grasped the handle, and pulled.
The hammer did not budge a millimeter.
Okay so he just needed to try harder. Use both hands, there we go. One, two, three....
Murderface felt his back muscles threaten to rip and he screamed in frustration, swearing his head off. He kicked the handle, and nearly broke his toe. The screaming and swearing could be heard all over the Haus. Nathan raised his head, listening, then lay back down on the pillow, gently holding Charles.
"Hey. You know what's the best thing about...being with you?"
"No, what?" asked Charles.
"Learning to ignore Murderface."
Charles just grinned. He would argue that the best part about their pairing was getting rammed by a metal god, but ignoring Murderface was good too. Outside, Murderface's tantrum had attracted some attention, which just spoke to how absolutely bored Toki and Skwisgaar were.
"Heys Murgleface, why's you screaming likes da angry baby?" asked Skwisgaar. "Nots dat we cares."
Murderface pointed to the hammer. "This thing is nailed to the ground!"
"Dat's brutal," said Toki. "Looks like reals nice hammer too! Likes Vikings hammer!"
Skwisgaar reached down to pull the hammer, finding it unmovable. "Ja dat's nails down good."
Toki reached out, and picked it up effortlessly, as Murderface and Skwisgaar stared. Toki shrugged. "Guess you guys loosened it."
"Now hand it over!" said Murderface. "I found it, it'sch mine!"
Toki did. He watched the hammer yank Murderface to the ground. "Wowee Murdersface, you's really weak!"
Murderface screamed and ranted, unable to lift the hammer. Once again Toki picked it up without effort. "Why you is havings such trouble?"
Skwisgaar stared at the handle, his rusty pea brain grinding away as he took in the details. Let's see; short handle, elaborate craftsmanship, could only be lifted by the pure...
"Hey Toki. I thinks is Mjölnir."
"Wowwee! You is really t'inks is Thor's Hammer?"
"IT'SCH NOT THOR'S IT'SCH MINE, I FOUND IT, IT'SCH MY HAMMER!!"
"Ja I's t'inking is Thor's,” said Skwisgaar.
Pickles chose that moment to show up. "Dood. Cool hammer. Looks like...y'know, that guy's. Thor."
"IT'SCH NOT THOR'S HAMMER, IT'SCH MINE!"
"Dood, keep it, no one cares, just stop screaming."
"I'LL SHCREAM IF I WANT TO!"
"Only ways to know is summons Thor," said Toki. "Can we's do dat?"
Skwisgaar had no idea if or how they could, but shrugged. “Ja whys not?”
“IF ANYONE ISCH GOING TO SCHUMMON THEM, IT’SCH GONNA BE ME!”
Pickles was done with the screaming. “Dood. Murderface. Stop watering the lawn with your spit.”
“I’m juscht schaying. HEY THOR! GIT YER ASCH DOWN HERE!”
Toki and Skwisgaar eyed each other, while Pickles just backed up. They may not be bright, but they had all encountered enough strange entities over the years to be cautious, while Murderface threw his Tantrum of Summoning.
“I MEAN IT! GIT YER SCTUPID ASCH DOWN…oh crap.”
The horse screamed, fur black and ragged, mane wild, eyes a burning red. It reared, front hooves high above their heads; four of them, and four in the back. It shook its head, froth flying from its jaws as it lowered itself to the ground, and a tall blonde man slid down from its back. From behind him came a slender man clad in green and gold with long black hair. Toki and Skwisgaar joined hands and backed up a few steps, as the great shaggy horse began to crunch grass, and the two deities confronted Murderface.
“You have my attention, mortal, now what do you wish?”
Murderface, for one of the few times in his life, was silenced. Thor turned to Toki.
“I see you have found my hammer, child of metal.”
Toki nodded, and dutifully returned the hammer. Thor smiled at him. “It is so rare to find another among mortals who is worthy to lift Mjölnir.”
Murderface, sadly, found his voice. “Well why’sch Toki worthy?”
“That is for Mjölnir to decide,” said Thor.
“Well why’sch a schtupid hammer get to decide?”
Thor looked from Murderface to Toki and Skwisgaar. “Is he always like this?”
“Ja, sorries, dat’s as good as he gets,” said Skwisgaar. He then remembered this was a Scandinavian god, and he happened to be a Scandinavian. They began conversing in their native language, cutting Murderface out of the conversation. Murderface decided to talk to Loki.
“Scho if he’s the god of thunder, what are you the god of?”
Loki smiled, his beautiful almost-liquid eyes sparkling. “The god of mischief.”
“God of mischief, hey? That schounds cool. Scho like, what’sch that all about?”
“Oh you know, causing chaos, making trouble.”
“Schounds schtupid.”
~*~*~*~*~*~
Charles stared up at the screaming and pissed-off lump dangling from a tooth in the mouth of the dragon head crest rising high into the air above Mordland. Charles was doing his best to maintain his professional demeanour, but Nathan was just laughing his ass off.
“Ja he is calls da god ofs mischief stupid,” said Skwisgaar.
Murderface bitched and screamed, but fortunately no one could tell what he was saying from ground level. That privilege was reserved for the Gears trying to rescue him. Meanwhile Pickles was getting drunk with a couple of gods and having the time of his life. His adopted parent, Badger the Roadie, was watching, making sure his baby boy was okay.
“Dood. We should have a barbecue. Like a big “We Rescued Murderface” party,” said Pickles.
“Ja we can’ts has “Murgleface does stupid craps” party,” said Skwisgaar, “we would nevers gets nothing done.”
Charles looked at Thor. “If he falls can you please catch him before he hits ground?”
“I shall do my best, Son of Offden. But tell me, why do you dress like a bureaucrat when you are clearly a warrior?”
Charles smiled ever so slightly. “It causes people to underestimate me.”
“Ooooh, sneaky,” said Loki. “I like it.”
Murderface screamed as the Gears did their best to get his dumb ass down, finally managing to get him unhooked and lowered to the ground, where he immediately began stomping toward Loki. Nathan grabbed his collar and stopped him.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m gonna tell him that he’s a JERK!”
“And you’re gonna end up someplace WORSE!” Nathan yelled at him.
“Well that’sch not my fault.”
“Uhhhhh… yeah. If you go bug him, it is.”
Murderface didn’t have a response for that. He glared at the Norse god as he strolled by, beautiful and arrogant.
“Homo,” Murderface grumbled.
Thor decided to let Pickles, Toki and Skwisgaar show him around Mordhaus, while Charles directed the Gears to see where Murderface had ended up this time. Charles sighed.
“Your majesty, please stop hiding my bass player.”
“No.”
“Please tell me where you hid him.”
“No.”
Nathan meanwhile had climbed onto Sleipnir’s back and ridden off across the grounds, the gigantic beast prancing happily.
“I must say, Mr. Offdensen, your children are rather disobedient,” said Loki.
“Well the big one with the black hair is my boyfriend. The others only act like my children. The good news is I’m smarter than they are, and therefore I can usually get them to do what they have to. Usually.”
“And if you cannot?”
“Well that’s what alcohol is for.”
A gear ran up to Charles. “We have located Lord Murderface in the cess pool.”
Well that seemed appropriate. “All right, just…fish him out.” Charles looked to Badger. “Enforced bath time.”
Badger grinned. “As you wish, my Lord.”
~*~*~*~*~*~
It was never a bad day when Charles uttered the phrase “enforced bath time.” Any of the other band members, especially Toki, would be gently cajoled with treats and alcohol. With Murderface, it meant they got to drag him out of the cess pool, hit his shrieking butt with the hose, then throw him into a large tub full of hot water and bubbles and listen to him scream about how gay bubbles were. He was scrubbed and washed, hosed again, put in a second bath with MORE bubbles, and finally sprayed with a fine mist of disinfectant.
The volunteer list to give Murderface his “enforced bath time” was well over a hundred names and grew daily as he managed to regularly piss off most of the staff on an hourly basis.
Toki got pink bubbles, toys, and cuddles, but Murderface didn’t know that. No one was looking forward to the day he found out.
Murderface was having a tantrum, and of course the first thing he did when he saw Loki again was prepare to insult him, but this time it was Thor who intervened. They were in the main fire hall, where they had been served a feast of boar and traditional Viking fare to honour their godly guests. They were drinking mead, talking, laughing as Thor and Loki regaled them with tales Toki and Skwisgaar had heard dozens of time in their youth, but were still too good to not hear again. But as Murderface stormed into the room, Thor confronted him.
“Do you not learn? Twice now my brother has bested you, and will again should you continue to behave thusly.”
“Ignore the poor creature, dear brother,” said Loki. “Can you not see he lacks the self-awareness to contain his own emotions to an appropriate degree?”
“What’sch that schuposched to mean?” asked Murderface.
“He said you’re an idiot,” said Nathan. “But…smarter.”
“I AM NOT! I’M SCHMARTER THAN ANY OF YOU!”
“Ja I is t’inking I woulds have learned nots to piss off da gods da first time dey is retaliate-sking against me,” said Skwisgaar.
“Well juscht because YOU don’t wanna sctand up for yourschelf.”
“Dood,” said Pickles. “Just sit down and have a drink and relax, why is everything a fight with you? C’mon, I mean when are we going to get to do this again?”
“Your friend speaks wisely,” said Thor. “Why fight when we can drink, and laugh, and enjoy good food?”
“And watch Pickles consume the drink of the gods with no ill effect?” said Loki.
“Ja Pickle is havings a talent fors dat,” said Skwisgaar.
“I bet I could do that,” said Murderface.
~*~*~*~*~*~
“So let me get this straight,” said Charles, as Murderface screeched like a furious cat and gears did their best to extract him from the butt-end of a gigantic horse sculpture. “Murderface had a drink of Thor’s Asgardian elixir.”
“Yup,” said Badger.
“He immediately began to act like himself, or moreso.”
“Yup.”
“He then got on Sleipnir and yelled ‘giddy-up’ you freak horsie.”
“Yup.”
“And Thor created a huge horse statue and personally shoved Murderface head-first up the butt end.”
“That do be what happened,” said Badger. “Thor is very fond of his horsie.”
“Well it is a nice statue,” said Charles. “The boys seem to like it.”
“It is a very nice statue,” said Badger. “We can have some stone masons fill in the huge gaping anus. My cousin has a company.”
“Contact them, would you please?”
“Sure Charles.”
Badger went off to contact his cousin about doing a few simple ‘alterations’ on the horsie statue. Gears were pouring lube all over Murderface, who was shrieking like a lunatic. Nathan pulled out his little personal recorder.
“Idea for a song. Guy gets his head stuffed up the ass of a demon horse and is forced to go around Hell like that. Oh. And that happens forever.”
Toki and Skwisgaar just watched the extraction, as Pickles alternately laughed like a kookaburra and took long hits off his asthma inhaler. After about twenty minutes, Murderface was yanked from the butt of the stone horse with a loud ‘pop!’ noise, and Pickles fell over laughing. Charles could not quite hide the grin.
“Have we learned our lesson?” Charles asked Murderface.
High pitched incomprehensible screaming. Nathan came to stand beside Charles, putting an arm around him.
“I was just thinking, like…not very hard, but yeah…we should see what other Avengers are available to come over. Like maybe Dr. Strange.”
“Is Dr. Strange an Avenger?”
Nathan shrugged, just grinning as Murderface was hauled away for a second ‘enforced bath time’.
“Brutal.”