Chapter Text
The first thing he feels is the noise. The crushing noise.
And then he sees a white glare.
They say light travels faster than sound but this time, maybe, something changes in the balance of nature.
The noise he hears is metallic, iron sheets crumpling, but he’s sure there are bones crushing, too.
He feels weightless, almost like he’s flying, but his feet don't leave the ground.
And then.
Then he feels nothing else.
/ / /
- Now -
The call arrives in the middle of the night. The boy’s answer is roughly annoyed. He has to get up in a few hours and he’s sure he’s going to scream at whoever thought of calling him this late.
“What?” his voice raspy and low.
The only sound that follows is a broken sob.
“Who’s...” he’s about to look at the screen and see who is at the other end, but he freezes when a faint murmur erupts from the phone.
“Hyung... Hyung, he is...”
“Kookie?”
“Joonie... He... Hyung is...” the boy stops and then a hiccup breaks his voice again. He can almost feel Jeongkook shaking.
Namjoon is wide awake now, something in his friend's voice and in the cold winter air is missing. Something that makes his heart run a bit faster.
“What happened?” it’s not even a proper question, and no answer follows, “Kookie what...”
“He’s dead... Oh God... He is... Hyung is...”
/ / /
- Then -
Namjoon was 16 when he first met Jin.
Jin was the typical flower boy: half English, half Korean, really good at school, loved and liked by both girls and boys. He was kind with everyone, and that was what Namjoon found most irritating about him. That, and how he always smiled. No matter what you said or how you said it to him.
Taehyung told Namjoon more than once that he should give him a chance:
“He is not actually that bad, and he’s more lonely that he may shows,” he kept saying.
Namjoon thought that was bullshit.
Jin had always someone around him, so how could he be lonely, with all those people crowding him? He accepted compliments with blushed cheeks and always had a good word for everyone. That was really annoying, if you asked Namjoon.
The first time he and Taehyung talked about him, they were hanging in the garden, lingering before their next class.
Namjoon could spot Jin discussing something with one of the teachers. Taehyung's friend gave him a knowing look above his round glasses, and Namjoon snorted and lit up his cigarette, watching him from the hidden corner of the garden.
He didn’t have to give anyone a chance. His time was precious and surely not made for bland flower boys.
One afternoon, Namjoon found Jin in the library, going through some school president’s papers with a worried expression on his face. Because of course the dumb students made him President. The guy even had the gut to sound surprised and embarrassed.
Namjoon was about to leave when he spotted the look on Jin’s face. He was worried, yes, but he looked more stressed if anything. And then he let out a long sigh, and his shoulders fell in despair.
Namjoon had the strange sensation that this was something he already saw, in between kind smiles and laughs, but he never really paid attention to it.
He was indeed about to leave when he hit one of the brooms near the door, that fell down with a loud stock, catching the other’s attention. Why did he have to be so clumsy? Now he had to say hello and ask if he needed any help.
Jin startled, jumping in his chair, and then glared at him with interest. They studied each other for a few moments, and then Jin tore his gaze away, his focus back on the papers on the desk, laying flat in front of him.
Namjoon was surprised. Usually Jin always greeted him, even after he stopped answering every single time. He stumbled on the broom that fell down and, cursing at it under his breath, he carefully moved toward the door.
He thought once again what he should do. Jin was the president and he needed to be at least in his 'not so bad' list. He needed his vote in the next committee to approve the radio he and Yoongi were working on. So he thought it through, he took a deep breath. And then, he accepted.
He turned back towards Jin.
“Do... do you need any help, hyun-” he said right after, scratching at his nape as he looked wherever but at the boy at the desk.
“Don’t...” Jin’s voice was tired when he stopped him in a low murmur, and he was still looking through his files as he spoke up again, “I know you don’t like me, Namjoon. You don’t have to play polite with me. I know you don’t really care if I need help.”
Namjoon was a bit shocked and didn’t answer at first, but just when he was about to, Jin let out another sigh and brought one hand to his forehead, flattening the little wrinkle between his brows.
“I’m sorry... That was unnecessary rude of me...” Jin apologized, sounding truly mortified.
“And you accuse me of playing polite?” Namjoon answered, granting him a soft giggle from the boy.
“I know you don’t like being around me, so you don’t have to. We’re not in Korea. You can leave, I won't feel wronged or anything,” he shrugged, not lifting his gaze from the files he was reading. Namjoon felt like this was probably the first time Jin’s smile and words sounded genuine to him.
In a blur, he moved near the table, his mind slowly catching up with the movement, registering what he was doing just a second later.
“Man, this looks like a pretty fucked up work,” Namjoon took one of the papers from the desk and looked carefully through the lines. This should have been secretary work. But of course that idiotic, oh so polite hyung found a way to let people take advantage of him.
Namjoon quirked a brow at him, sighing at his way too naive nature. Jin was looking at him, cautious, and he widened his eyes when Namjoon took a chair and sat beside him.
“We better start this so we’ll maybe be home before dawn. And I’m telling you, hyung, you shouldn’t do this again, there are people payed to do this job.” he stated, taking a pen from his backpack and automatically trapping it between his big lips. Jin let out a soft laugh, almost relieved, and dragged his chair a little closer to Namjoon's.
They managed to finish the hellish work two hours later, and ended up leaving school when the sun had already set, their bodies sore. They yawned and simultaneously stretched arms and backs. Namjoon found out Jin was not so bad, Tae’s words coming to his mind, his friend's mocking voice mouthing a “I told you so” (he pouted at the thought of how happy and giggly Taehyung would be, once he'd told him).
He was actually laughing at something particularly sharp and mean the other said about a teacher, when Jin stopped and looked at him with curiosity in his eyes.
“Why did you do it?” he asked out of the blue with a serious expression, looking even more handsome, if that was in any way possible.
“What?” Namjoon was taking a cigarette out of his packet and jerked his head to look at him, questioningly.
“Why did you help me? And why are you still here, pretending to laugh at my very bad jokes? You hate me.” Jin underlines the verb as if it bothered him, knowing the boy felt like this way toward him.
Namjoon looked at him, facing him for a moment, and then he simply shrugged.
“You’re not so bad, when you don’t have to play the perfect president role.”
Jin listened to him and then bowed his head. He started shaking a bit, like he was crying and Namjoon started freaking out, worried he said something wrong that made the other upset, but then Jin raised his head and... he was laughing. Namjoon smiled, unsure, watching as the other kept laughed to himself.
“You... You are... maybe the first one to say this. Or not... Ok, maybe the second one, the first was my little brother, before he grew up and turned into a spoiled brat.” Namjoon widened his eyes at the word. He didn't know that from such cute lips could come such bad things. Though, he spotted deep affection in his words, as Jin brought up his little brother.
Namjoon let a smile curve his lips, looking at the boy with interest, almost blinded by the first real laugh he heard from him, and how bright and sincere it looked. He felt a hint of respect and admiration growing in his chest, staring at that tall, handsome man that despite the late hour stayed in school, working over stuff he wasn't even in charge of.
“You really are something, Kim Namjoon,” the words snapped him back to reality, Jin's eyes sparkling under the yellow lights, maybe because of the sheen of tears clouding them, a remnant of that previous laugh.
Namjoon grinned and, without thinking too much, slid an arm on the other’s shoulders.
Jin shivered but didn't back up.
“I’m pretty sure, under those stupid, polite smiles, you’re something, too, hyung”
Seokjin was more than something.
Sometimes Namjoon wondered why he kept up with them. And he usually turned his doubts directly to Jin, too. Because he really couldn't fucking understand it. They were a bunch of scumbags, and all of them were so messed up. Being the one who always got them out of trouble, and the one who was there for each and everyone of them, to him looked almost like a superhero’s job.
And, well, maybe Jin was a superhero.
He always told him so. His hard work and skills were no joke, if high-school had taught Namjoon anything.
If he focuses, he can hear the other’s laugh in his ears, loud and clear. He sees him throwing back his head and opening his mouth and giving into his crystalline giggle.
I’m not a superhero, I’m just your hyung. It's my job to take care of you all.
That was all Jin ever said, a loving look showering over them all. Namjoon couldn't help but feel warmth spreading through his whole body, starting from his chest. And every single time Taehyung threw himself at Jin, screaming his love for him and making the other yell in pain. Soon after, Jimin followed suit and, yes, even dark Jeongkook, who managed to smile once in a while. Sometimes the contagious happiness got him too, throwing himself on Tae with everyone else and laughing even more at Jin’s painful whines under them, their loud yells reaching to the stars.
/ / /
- Now -
Now.
Now he can’t feel anything. It's like someone removed the plug from his body. Every emotion flows away from him, rushing through his feet, down to his body.
He can’t even cry.
They're all there, in their meeting place. Hidden behind big, abandoned trains and the suburbs hills, persistent fog rising from the city. Jimin’s sobs sound far away and he hears Taehyung crushing something behind him, but the noise comes muffled to his ears.
Namjoon stands up, his gaze wandering over his friends. They are a mess, moaning, screaming, crying. The place was getting shattered into pieces, almost like they want it to resemble how they feel.
And he feels nothing.
He's just lost.
His eyes are captured by Hoseok, who looks exactly like him, except for his silent tears, rolling down his cheeks like marbles on sand. He's holding Jimin’s hands, the latter crying his heart out, screaming at the top of his lungs.
Yoongi is hugging Jimin from the back, trying to balance him. But they both stumble on the ground and fall, knees hitting the soil.
Yoongi doesn't let go of his grip on Jimin.
His best friend is shaking, and his face is hidden deep in Jimin’s sweater. Namjoon knows too well that what is causing him to shiver like mad is anger, not sadness. Not yet.
Namjoon reckons he may have to stop Taehyung from destroying whatever he is destroying, but he really can’t move.
There's an empty plastic glass in his hand, the texture of it barely registering through his nerves.
And he feels nothing.
He tears his gaze away from his friends and looks at the cup.
The leftovers of his previous coffee floats inside, his cigarette butt drowned in it.
Taehyung, behind him, crushes another unknown thing on the wall. He is about to yell at him to stop, gathering the words inside his mouth, but they're left lingering on his tongue, the boy finally stopping and coming to stand beside him.
“Kookie?” Taehyung's voice is sore. Namjoon doesn’t know if it's from screaming or from crying. Or both.
Namjoon raises his gaze and meets Jeongkook’s.
His eyes are red, and wide. Wider than he has ever seen them. He is panting heavily, almost like he had been running for a while, and his cheeks are blushed. Taehyung is moving fast toward him, but the the boy's gaze doesn’t move from Namjoon's.
“Kookie...” Taehyung says again, and throws his arms around the other, engulfing him in a tight hug. Jeongkook still doesn't move a muscle, standing there frozen, his eyes refusing to leave Namjoon’s black pupils.
“What are you doing here?” Namjoon blurts out, before his brain could process the words.
He feels like he can’t even think properly.
He feels anger rising from his feet, flowing into his entire body and stiffening him, like a bomb ready to explode.
Jeongkook's eyes widen, going blank, and then the boy tears his gaze away and Namjoon feels like someone has just ripped his hair from his scalp.
Hoseok raises his head to look at him and there's something in his eyes that speaks a thousand words, but Namjoon closes his eyelids, shutting that uncomfortable feeling out.
He can't be rational right now.
Holy shit, he is so far from rational.
Taehyung looks at him over his shoulder, an unreadable expression molding his features, and then takes Jeongkook’s wrist in his hand, pulling the younger with him, down train’s tracks, away from everyone.
Namjoon lets out a sigh and drops his head.
This isn’t right, he repeats to himself.