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James was feeling good. It was the last night before the Winter Holidays and naturally, the Gryffindors were throwing a party in Gryffindor Tower. He even convinced Regulus and the rest of his friend group to come to it, which made James smile even more than he did when he usually saw his boyfriend. The drinks were flowing and the music was blaring in all corners of the tower.
James was feeling bold since he was more than a little tipsy. Most everyone in Gryffindor knew about him and Regulus but they were still careful most of the time since you never knew who was going to show up at the party and Regulus was still in Slytherin, much to James' and Sirius' dismay. They would have rather he'd just stay in their dorm where they knew it was safe.
Regulus told James that he could take care of himself and James knew that but he still worried about him. It had gotten better though since they first started dating. When they first started, Regulus was still living with his parents and they ran the risk of anybody in Slytherin ratting them out if they weren't careful. James looked over at Regulus who was standing next to the drinks table with Barty and Evan. He knew he shouldn't but James couldn't help himself.
He walked over to the table, took Regulus' drink out of his hand, and handed it to Barty before dragging him to the dancefloor's centre. Regulus grumbled a little but let James do as he pleased nonetheless. James didn't know how long they had been dancing but Regulus had his head on James' chest as he wrapped his arms around his neck and played with the curls that hung down. That was until Sirius shouted and they both snapped their heads up to look in his direction.
"Alright, losers!" Sirius exclaimed as he stood up on the table. "Now that the younger years have gone to bed. It's time for the real fun to begin."
"What are you talking about?" Regulus scoffed before he buried his head in James' chest again.
"I'm so glad you asked, baby brother," Sirius announced with a bow and James could practically feel Regulus roll his eyes. "We're playing Truth or Dare but with Veritaserum because I know that some of you fuckers are fucking great liars and I want to know all the dirty, little secrets you've been hiding."
To say that Sirius was drunk was an understatement, especially since Remus was trying to pull him off the table and Sirius kept swatting him away. James had no problem with Truth or Dare. He just didn't know how deep the questions would go with how drunk Sirius and most of the others were at the moment, so he was just a tad bit worried. Not that he really had any secrets to tell anyway.
"I'm in!" Marlene shouted and that was all it took.
Everybody else in their little groups grumbled with their acceptance or agreed eagerly if they were Barty. They moved the table and chairs out of the way to make more room for everyone to sit in a giant circle, considering there were twelve of them between the Gryffindors and the Slytherins. Regulus practically sat in James' lap and James wrapped his arms around him instinctively.
"Okay, who's going first?" Sirius asked as he plopped down next to Remus and started to pour the shots of Veritaserum, passing them out as he went.
"Why don't you since you're the one who suggested the game," Mary replied with a small laugh.
"Alright," Sirius said with a shrug, "but who to ask first?"
He tapped his chin contemplatively before his eyes shot straight to his brother. James wasn't surprised.
"Reggie!"
"Of course he picks me," Regulus grumbled under his breath before he glared at his brother. "What?"
"Truth or Dare?"
Regulus sighed before he shocked everyone in the circle. "Dare."
"Umm, okay," Sirius faltered, clearly expecting him to pick truth. "I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the circle..." Regulus started to turn towards James because that was a given before Sirius continued, "that is not James."
Regulus glared at him again before he scowled and looked around the room. James was curious about who he would pick. It looked like Barty was expecting him to pick him but no, Regulus got out of James' lap and beelined it towards somebody else. They seemed shocked as well and Sirius jumped up to protest before Regulus turned on him.
"It was your dare," Regulus replied with a smirk before turning back and crashing his lips together with Remus'.
"That's not- that's-," Sirius threw his hands up in the air before he dropped back down to the ground and James had to cover his laugh with a cough as everybody else snickered with no shame.
Regulus walked back over to James with a satisfied smirk, kissing him on the lips right after. James smiled and wrapped his arms around him again.
"Okay, my turn. Remus, truth or dare?"
It went like that for the next few rounds. Most picked dare and had to do silly little things that they honestly probably would have done anyway. But then it was Sirius' turn again and he looked straight at James. James sighed because he had a feeling he knew what was coming.
"Ja- ames," Sirius said in a sing-song tone.
"Yeah?"
"Truth or dare?"
"Dare, obviously." It really was the only possible answer.
"Okay, I dare you to pick truth."
Well, fuck.
"Umm, okay," James replied slowly as he tried to gauge what Sirius was playing at. "Truth, then."
James picked up the shot and downed the potion before he gestured for Sirius to ask his question. Sirius beamed at him before he spoke again and James wasn't sure how he felt about that. It seemed mischievous and like he was looking for something specific that James had never told him or that he thought James had never told him. Which honestly wasn't a lot, James would usually tell him everything and everybody knew that so he shouldn't have been surprised when all their eyes landed on him.
"What is one secret that you have never told anybody?" Sirius asked with an eager grin as he leaned closer to him.
James pursed his lips together. He had to ask that, didn't he because there was only one thing in his whole life that he never told anybody about and he never had any intention of telling anybody about for that matter. He was starting to sweat as he fought the potion and the words that were trying to tumble out of his mouth. Regulus was looking at him with concern now and James didn't want him to know. He didn't want anybody to know.
"Oh, come on. It can't be that bad," Marlene laughed.
James snapped his eyes up at her and glared. She just laughed some more as she held her hands up in mock surrender and fell back into Dorcas.
"It's okay, Jamie. Whatever it is. Nobody will judge you for it," Regulus whispered soothingly but all James could think was, 'You will.'
"Out with it," Sirius encouraged. "You can't fight the potion anyway so you're only hurting yourself more by trying."
James sighed before he looked down at his hands wrapped around his boyfriend.
"I tried to kill myself the summer after third year," he whispered just under his breath.
He never told his parents what he did either. It truly was a secret that he had intended on taking to his grave. James felt Regulus tense up in his lap. He was sure he was the only one who heard him since he was so close.
"What?" Sirius asked with a laugh. "Couldn't quite hear you."
James squeezed his eyes shut to stop the tears from forming. Everyone was laughing except for Regulus. After a minute or two, other people started to egg him on to repeat what he just said and since he was still under the effects of the potion he couldn't stop the hurt or anger that came out when he repeated it.
"I fucking tried to kill myself the summer after third year. Happy?" James shouted before he dislodged Regulus from his lap and stormed off towards the stairs to his dorm.
The room became deadly silent but all he wanted to do was get away from everybody. He made it to the top of the stairs before he heard Regulus yell at his brother.
"You're a fucking dick, Sirius. I'd suggest you don't go anywhere near him for a while. I can't believe you just fucking did that."
James heard the footsteps coming up the stairs and he was sure that it was Regulus but he shut the door anyway and made his way to the bathroom. James sat against the wall with his head between his knees and tried not to cry but he couldn't hold back the tears even if he was imperio'd to.
"Oh, baby. Come here," Regulus said softly as he grabbed James by the shoulder and pulled him into his lap.
James went willingly. He wanted to be alone but then again he didn't and if he had to be around somebody right now, he was grateful that it was Regulus. He really really didn't want to see Sirius. James let the tears fall as he sobbed into his boyfriend's chest. Regulus ran one hand in soothing circles around his back as he ran the fingers of his other through James' hair.
"It's okay, Jamie. I promise it's going to be okay," Regulus whispered.
James sobbed louder and Regulus seemed to put up a silencing charm which James was grateful for. He hated it when anybody heard him cry. He was supposed to be the happy-go-lucky sunshine friend after all. Although now that his secret was out, he wouldn't be surprised if people started to keep their distance from him for a while.
"Please, don't leave me," James whispered wetly. It was a little muffled since he had his face in Regulus' chest.
"I'm here for you, baby. I'll always be here for you," Regulus replied firmly. "And if you want to talk about it or anything, I'll be here for you then too. I'm not going anywhere, Mon Soliel."
James didn't say anything else. He just clung to Regulus like his life depended on it and cried until he couldn't cry anymore. He was sure he would pass out at some point but he didn't care. He was tired and wanted nothing more than to forget about everything that just happened.
"I love you, James. I always will."
It was the last thing James heard before he let himself let go and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.