Chapter Text
Tsunade
Red Team was about the last group of shinobi that Tsunade would send on a mission that didn't require something being destroyed. In theory they were a protection squad, but they had been increasingly deployed for sabotage efforts where Tsunade didn't mind subtle mass destruction. The enemy would know something had happened but wouldn't know if anyone deliberately caused it. Oh, they were ninja, so the enemy certainly expected foul play, but Red Team never left any proof.
Case in point, their first mission involved rewriting the maps by rerouting a river. Then there was the riot in that one town in Cloud that they pinned as a result of the tax policies of a corrupt mayor. That had been Towa's idea so Tsunade couldn't even blame it on the two Lucky Sevens in the team. Luckily they didn't go through with Komachi's idea, which was apparently a volcano. Though that wasn't because they couldn't do it, but because they couldn't do it in the time frame they were looking at. Then there was the rock slide that destroyed a mountain road which, as near as they could tell, happened while Red Team was standing in Tsunade's office, completing their mission before they even left the village. It was even attributed to aftershocks from the river mess, so they were still responsible for it.
Unfortunately, Kumo had their own summons that made using messenger summons unreliable on the front, and all of Tsunade's dedicated couriers had already been deployed. If she couldn't rely on someone to deliver the message quietly, then she'd have to rely on a team that would do it loudly.
"You're to go to the forward command center and deliver this intelligence packet to Shikaku Nara personally. If, for whatever reason, that isn't possible, then destroy the packet. Be subtle. I don't want to redraw the maps after this. Again."
"Point of order," Hawk replied. "Both Killer B and Yugito Nii are reported to be in the area. Killer B is reported to be able to rearrange the landscape on his own."
Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose. "That's why I'm sending an ANBU team with this data. That said, if you do get into a fight with one or both Jinchuuriki, please keep the collateral damage down. We've got troops in that area."
ANBU don't shuffle. But there was a subtle shift in all four of their body languages that made it clear that they didn't quite know how you would keep the collateral damage from a fight with two Jinchuuriki down.
Tsunade sat back down. "Just keep the snafus to a reasonable level. If you do cause a mess, try to make it one that takes a while to show up and some other Hokage can deal with it."
Despite being masked and not moving a millimeter, Bat somehow projected the idea that she was thinking about what kind of disasters she could cause that would only show up years later.
"That wasn't intended to give you any ideas," Tsunade snarled. "Get in, deliver the packet and report back. No riots. No earthquakes. No stolen rivers. Definitely no plagues that cause sterility that won't show up for years."
Bat twitched slightly at that. Kami, Tsunade was spending so much time around the Nara brat she was starting to think like her. Professionally, no one turned to look at Bat, but Tsunade could tell they were all thinking about if she could actually do that… and drawing alarming conclusions in the direction of an affirmative.
Tsunade sighed, because she was one of them. "Don't tell me you've actually thought about that."
Bat attempted her monotone ANBU voice. "Not a plague that causes sterility, but in theory maybe an explosion that would cause decreased fertility and increased levels of birth defects for people not inside the primary radius?"
"You've figured out how to cause mass reproductive chakra poisoning," Tsunade said flatly. And here she had managed to go a full week without being reminded of the many ways Shikako resembled Orochimaru.
"Oh, no." Tsunade knew the brat well enough not to relax at that denial and in fact got more tense. "High energy particle emissions are completely chakra-less and much harder to defend against as a result."
And then there was the part of Tsunade that thought that Orochimaru was a small fry compared to Shikako. She shook her head. "Right. Get out of here. Deliver the intelligence and no experimenting with high energy particle emissions on the way or on the way back."
Red Team disappeared. Shizune wordlessly handed Tsunade a bottle of sake from the storage scroll marked "In case of Team Seven."
Tsunade took a deep drink.
"The scary part is I think she only came up with that as an intellectual exercise," Shizune said after Tsunade fortified herself, completely ignoring the fact that ANBU were supposed to be anonymous. Not that Shikako was doing a good job at disguising herself. "We were just talking about cell division and meiosis in the kunoichi group the other day."
"And she thought, 'Here's everything that could go wrong, how can I weaponize this?'"
"Anko," Shizune said as if that was enough of an explanation.
"Say no more." Not because Tsunade could fill in the blanks, but because she didn't want to know. Given Anko's predilection for chaos she might have just challenged Shikako to somehow relate the topic to explosions. It had happened in the past and a surprising number of topics had non obvious connections with things blowing up. Whatever else you could say about Shikako's brain child, the kunoichi group was certainly making sure the next generation of girls were far more terrifying than the last.
Shikako
Shikako was a little surprised that Tsunade would let her and Sasuke go anywhere near the battle lines. The only conclusion she came up with was that things were going worse than was commonly known in Konoha. It was a sobering thought that didn't make the trip to the field headquarters feel any shorter.
Towa and Komachi noticeably tensed up as they approached the field headquarters. They hadn’t had many missions related to the war, but they’d all fit a pattern: leave Konoha, get to the mission site, and find something was horribly different than what they expected. Knowing the two, Towa was probably thinking it would be a pitched battle. It was harder to guess what Komachi was thinking, but she was probably more inclined towards expecting weird rather than dangerous. Still, they were in a nervous profession, and until that weird revealed itself, she was going to be wound up.
Shikako was proud that Sasuke didn't seem any more or less tense than when they left Konoha. There was something of a weight on him because of the responsibility of leadership, but he was no longer the adorable ball of arrogance and rage that he used to be. The old Sasuke would have felt encumbered by the others, even if they were ANBU. Honestly, that probably had more to do with throwing him at her mom than anything Shikako had done herself, but she'd take credit for doing the throwing.
Shikako was mostly bored on the trip out of Konoha. ANBU were discouraged from talking on missions. Part of it was practical: maintaining awareness at all times, maximizing stealth, etc. Part of that was holding the right mentality. If they didn't talk on missions then they could get into a mission headspace where they were more effective. A good chunk was just mystique. Good for reputation, but still boring as hell.
Though even Shikako and Sasuke got antsy when they got to the field headquarters completely without incident. They weren't even hassled when they requested to see her dad. Her dad did sigh in some exasperation when he laid eyes on Shikako in her Bat outfit. He obviously recognized her, but hopefully Towa and Komachi would assume that it was due to her habit of mass destruction while wearing the mask, rather than because he recognized who she was underneath it.
"Intelligence packet from the Hokage," Sasuke said in the regulation ANBU monotone. Shikako's dad nodded and Sasuke handed it over.
"Did you have further orders?" her dad asked as glances over the first few pages.
"Just delivery," Sasuke replied. There was an implied return and report, but Tsunade was good about not micromanaging them.
"Bat, can you put one of our supply depots in its entirety into a storage scroll with fifteen minutes prep time?" asked her dad. It figured that as soon as he laid eyes on her he'd work her into some sort of plan.
"Five minutes," she replied.
"Good." Her dad pointed to a map. "On my authority, you and Red Team will leave for point Phi here. You will wait for an enemy attack, seal the supply depot and then return to point Sigma here. They'll be expecting a trap and will be coming in force. Prioritize getting the supplies out intact rather than engagement, but try to make it look like the depot was destroyed in the fighting. In the event of close pursuit, go to point Epsilon here, or return to Konoha." Shikako could hear the implicit command to keep herself safe. Turning to one of her older cousins (technically a second cousin once removed), her dad continued "We'll be counterattacking along their eastern lines. Slip strike teams in to seal away their supply depots."
Some Chuunin Shikako only vaguely recognized asked "If we can do that why do we need ANBU for our depot?" Tetsuharu? Tetsuhiro? Something starting with Tetsu. Tall, dark haired and pale skinned, Shikako pegged him as Ino's type, though oddly Ino hadn't really said anything about boys she'd been attracted to lately.
"Idiot," another Chuunin smacked him on the back of the head. She was pretty sure that one was named Akira. "Our depots have all those fancy new storage seals. You can't put a storage seal inside a storage seal without… stuff."
"Stuff," Tetsu snickered.
"Stow it," Shikako's dad barked out. "Send the signals. Tetsunosuke, go with Team Red to relay the evacuation order."
Towa flashed the rest of his team a hand sign. It wasn't a normal ANBU hand sign, and was something they actually imported from Team Seven. It basically meant "Why doesn't anything go as planned for us?" It said something that they needed a quick way to say that. ANBU style bitch fest over, Red Team moved out for their assigned task.
The supply depot was a lot smaller than you would expect if you didn't know about the NaraTen storage seals, so size definitely wasn't a problem in packing it away. The tricky part behind sealing it up wasn't just the storage seals inside but all the other seals. Kofuku-oba managed to create a number of new medical seals that were very finicky about being sealed themselves. If it hadn't been for the conflict, they'd probably be still awaiting approval, but things like field burn treatments that non medic nin could apply while waiting for someone actually trained were too useful to hold up in bureaucracy with hostiles (and some friendlies) flinging around fire techniques like candy.
Not that Shikako was bitter about medical seals being fast tracked.
Kofuku-oba's tags were all finicky like that, but fortunately Shikako was familiar with the problem, and it took only four minutes for her to put together the storage seal to secure the depot. So it figured that the enemy didn't show for another two hours.
"Good news, bad news time," Shikako said, causing everyone around her to freeze. That wasn't really ANBU approved phrasing, but at the moment she wasn't entirely concerned about that. "Good news: I'm detecting only two chakra signals coming. Bad news: given their strength I'm guessing they're both Jinchuuriki. I'm going to need a new seal."
The depot commander, one Gaku Inuzuka, shouted, "Everyone Chuunin and below bug out!" Shikako wondered if that was an Aburame reference. "I repeat: everyone Chuunin and below retreat, you'll just get in the way in this fight."
"Suggestions?" Sasuke asked.
"If you see a big black dude with sunglasses, challenge him to a rap battle," she said as she took out some sealing paper.
"What."
"Haven't you read his bingo book entry?" Shikako said as she started working on a seal that might absorb a tailed beast bomb. Emphasis on might. The problem was how to shunt the energy because you couldn't just store it like an object, matter-energy equivalence or not. Maybe if she circulated it? It'd be like a particle accelerator, which technically meant she was violating the order about high energy particle emissions, but desperate times and all that.
"I didn't think it was an actual weakness," Sasuke hissed.
"Nah, it'll only stall him for half a minute or so, but that's still half a minute in combat. Before combat. Whatever," said the depot commander. "Wish I had known about that the first time," he muttered.
"People have done this before?" Sasuke's ANBU monotone was getting stressed.
"Whatever works, man," the Inuzuka replied.
Behind him Komachi relaxed slightly, as if finding out what the weirdness of the day had made things better.
"Try to get them to fire a tailed beast bomb at the depot. That should be enough to cover the disappearance," Shikako said absently as she worked.
Sasuke grunted, which translated into "This is one of those plans, isn't it?" Really, he shouldn't be surprised since that was their bread and butter.
They didn't have time to argue about it, because Kumo had sidestepped the problem of having Killer B challenged to a rap battle by having Yugito Nii lead the way. It was kind of sad. Shikako had wanted to see Sasuke challenge someone to a rap battle. What would be a good rhyme for particle spin?
Gaku
Gaku had been around long enough to know that ANBU's reputation was largely overblown. There had been some complete spazzes who had worn the mask. Gaku wasn't ashamed to admit that his first impression was that these four were in the spaz category. Basically they were trying too hard to maintain that ANBU mystique to actually deserve it.
Their reactions to the idea of two incoming Jinchuuriki changed his mind. None of them were scared. Hawk was more of a resigned "not again." Even the idea of challenging Killer B to a rap battle wasn't like a kid grabbing on to a lifeline but more like when Gaku's nephew discovered that you could put milk and sugar in coffee and why didn't anyone ever tell him before?
Towa and Komachi didn't really react except for a quick twitch from Towa that Gaku thought meant "pay up" in ANBU hand signal slang, combining the cynicism of a team who was waiting for things to go sideways and the confidence that this wasn't what was going to kill them.
Bat on the other hand, reminded him of that time when Gaku showed up to lunch at the Hyugas' with "a friend" and that friend happened to be Tsume. Hisana didn't panic. She did, however, get quietly irate because Gaku didn't warn her that she'd need to get the tableware appropriate for a clan head and he damn well better make it up to her later because even if Tsume didn't care, Hisana knew that the settings brought shame upon her house.
Bat had that same sense that this was in no way shape or form life threatening, but at the same time she was going to gut someone for giving her bad intel because if someone had told her she was going to fight a Jinchuuriki today, she would have worn her good mask and not this ratty old thing, but it was okay she could fake it with this seal that she's making on the fly, and if someone didn't buy her dango soon she really was going to kill someone and not just the enemy today.
Maybe he was projecting a little bit too much of Hisana on to Bat. The point was that the team felt more resigned and murderous than they were afraid, and that was an attitude he could appreciate.
Sasuke
It was times like this that reminded Sasuke that Naruto really was an idiot. It was a pity that the Dobe wasn't around for him to share this insight, but seeing how much damage the Jinchuuriki of the Niibi could do, idiocy was the only explanation for why Naruto wasn't exponentially more dangerous than he was. Sure he had obscene chakra reserves, but that seemed all he had going for him unlike the woman in front of him spitting out fire like it was going out of style. The way that the fireballs split into hairs that tracked targets definitely wasn't a standard technique since it wasn't something his Sharingan could copy.
Of course the Dobe's idiocy was nothing compared to Shikako's brand. Sasuke knew that many people in Konoha regarded Shikako as a genius. As her teammate Sasuke realized just how many of her amazing feats were actually desperate throws of the dice that managed to work out. Really, her true genius was in spin control. Any plan that involved deliberately having a Tailed Beast Bomb sent in your direction had to be crazy.
Admittedly, sometimes her actions really did live up to her crazy reputation, like the fight against Gaara in the Grass Chunin Exams. Sasuke still couldn't get over the fact that that fight was her holding back. Not the most productive line of thought when a second Jinchuuriki showed up and tried to cut you up with… what the heck? Is that man seriously using eight swords at once?
Were all Jinchuuriki insane? Naruto had his ramen obsession. Killer B was apparently Kumo's version of Gai. Gaara had been psychotic and now apparently had recovered so well that he'd gone insane in the other direction and become a paperwork addict. The woman here was trying to kill them, but that was perfectly reasonable behavior in a war, so that wasn't enough information to render judgment. Haku-
Sasuke's internal monologue cut out at that point as the crazy rapper started growing tentacles. Apparently they had pushed them hard enough to need the tailed beast power. All according to plan, which just emphasized just how shitty that plan had been. Why couldn't it have just been a small army or two? Was it too much to ask to go a full three months without fighting an immortal chakra beast?
Now if they could only push the Jinchuuriki hard enough that they'd try to destroy the depot and then they could fall back.
And that was Towa detonating every explosive tag he could get his hands on. Considering that he was on a team with Shikako, that wasn't a small number. The Jinchuuriki pulled back, likely worried that the depot's traps were more extensive than they originally thought. No, they were more surprised than that. Either they had excellent scouts who found the previous defensive line or they had a traitor who had leaked the details of the defenses of the depot. Only one of those possibilities would justify an ANBU team delivering an intelligence packet to the front lines, however.
"Tailed Beast Bomb!" shouted Gaku as Killer B decided to bypass the problem of a trap line by just blowing up the depot.
The rest of Red Team formed up on Shikako. The place where she was standing was either going to be the safest place to be or the least safe place to be. Either way they'd be there, unlike every other Konoha ninja in the area who were all retreating at best speed.
Sasuke wouldn't have been able to tell you what happened next if he didn't have his Sharingan active. First, Shikako activated a barrier seal that Sasuke knew wasn't rated for the Eight Tails. It was tied to some sort of light show that covered up her next act, which was to seal up the depot. Where things went wrong was that Killer B released the Tailed Beast Bomb far more quickly than intelligence suggested was normal. It was far from full power, but it was also before whatever Shikako had planned for their escape was ready. So when the next seal in the chain activated, it did so just as the Tailed Beast Bomb hit. Later Sasuke would find out that it was supposed to create a net to seal away the energy from the attack. Some of the energy went into the seal, some of it went sideways in space time and dragged them along with it.
Towa
Towa groaned. He didn't sense anyone around other than Red Team, who were lying on the ground near him. They were surrounded by Hashirama trees, which meant that somehow they had been blown clear back to Konoha. That was a statement he wouldn't have believed before Bat joined Red Team, but now it was just another square on his bingo card.
Bat stirred nearby. "It occurs to me that instead of deliberately goading a Jinchuuriki into firing a Tailed Beast Bomb at us, we could have just shouted 'Oh no, the experimental exploding seal is about to go off.'"
"We could have said it was one of Shikabane-hime's specials," Hawk said into the ground.
"Only if you wanted to scare our people, too," Komachi said.
In retrospect the number of better ways they could have handled that situation was damn near infinite. "Gurk," Towa said as he sat up.
"Gurk," Komachi agreed while not moving from the ground herself.
"At least we weren't in charge," Bat continued. "It was the Kiba clone's call, even if he went with our plan."
"Your plan," Hawk replied. "Wait. Kiba clone?"
"Didn't you notice that Gaku and Kiba look a lot alike? I'm betting that Tsume couldn't find a guy she could put up with and just cloned Hana and Kiba. Hana has a 'cousin' that looks exactly like her too."
If this was Bat's plan to distract them from the disaster at the border, it was working. Towa felt the urge to take off his mask just so he could pinch the bridge of his nose. "They're clan. People in clans tend to look alike. Gaku isn't Kiba's clone."
"You're right. If Kiba was cloned from Gaku he wouldn't be."
Komachi finally sat up and decided to chip in. "I don't think Tsume even knows how to clone someone. I think I even remember someone complaining about Tsume when she was pregnant and hormonal."
Bat waved a hand lazily from her position on the ground. "Cloning isn't hard if you have a functioning uterus. I was talking to Tsunade and Shizune about it just a few months ago."
Towa was afraid to ask how that subject even came up because the answer might make sense. Bat was either really bad about maintaining compartmentalization or this was somehow related to her ANBU duties and Towa really didn't want to think about how. Then his brain did a flip as he realized that he was looking at the Hokage monument… and there were only four faces.
"Kai."
The rest of them looked at Towa then looked at where Towa was looking. "Kai."
Still four heads. Sighing, Hawk lay back down on the ground and said "You know, I didn't think anything could top finding an invasion out of fucking nowhere when going to look for a lost ferret, but you were probably due for getting blown back in time."
"I'm blaming Kakashi for our luck. Nothing weird happened to any of us until we got him as our Jounin sensei. Tragic, yes. Weird, no."
"Uh… I know you guys are a bit lax on the out of mask information thing-"
"Towa," Hawk interrupted. "Unless you two have been holding out on us, none of us know how to time travel. That means going into the village to get help, possibly right after they've gotten out of a war."
"Potentially pre-Massacre with the KMP in full strength," Bat added. "I don't know about you, but my ANBU class wasn't given lessons in evading large numbers of people with the Sharingan."
"Shit, I didn't even think about that," Hawk admitted. "I was worried about Crow-taicho."
Towa and Komari both flinched at that one. "Hound would be just as bad," Komachi added.
"Yeah, we do not want to be considered ANBU imposters right now," Towa agreed, and took off his mask. "Shinobu Sato, pleased to meet you."
"Oh, you're like the one mission desk guy who doesn't believe in the Team Seven Curse," Bat said before taking off her mask, revealing Shikako Nara.
Shinobu groaned. "I might need to change my mind on that. Before I thought that missions just sometimes went like that, and now I find out that I had a Lucky Seven on my team."
Hawk took off his mask. "Two members. Sasuke Uchiha."
"This explains so much," Komachi said before taking off her own mask. "Akira Suzuki."
Bat - Shikako - blinked at them. "What perfectly bland ANBU names."
"Mine is real," Towa said, looking at Komachi suspiciously.
She just shrugged. "It could be worse. I know an actual Jiro Yamada."
Sasuke started stripping his ANBU gear, which prompted the rest of them to start doing the same. "So how did we end up in this mess?" the captain asked.
Bat, whose equipment was just disappearing into thin air, replied, "Two theories. One is that there was just enough energy to blow a hole in space time, which is unlikely because time travel via Tailed Beast Bomb would have been documented before. Two is that it interacted with the space time component of the seal I was using and… formed a circuit with the last time I experienced large amounts of Bijuu chakra."
Sasuke turned to look at Shikako. "So Isobu?"
Shikako shook her head. "Isobu hardly got warmed up."
"We were in his mindscape," Sasuke protested.
Towa exchanged glances with Komachi who apparently also had no idea what they were talking about. They silently agreed not to ask.
"Even if we were, we're not in Kiri," Shikako said, gesturing around them. "At a guess, the Kyuubi attack formed the other anchor point. Since there isn't a giant orange engine of destruction laying waste to the village, we may not have been brought back all the way. Or we may have overshot."
"Do you think we can get back?"
"It depends if this is really time travel or not."
"What else could it be?"
"An alternate universe. Maybe we're in a version of Konoha where the Yondaime never died. We need to investigate to get a feel for which it is."
"Which is more dangerous?"
"Ummm. Probably time travel."
"Then that's my bet." Sasuke sighed and ran his hand back through his hair. "How close was your family to the Kyuubi during the attack?"
"Close enough. There were a lot of babies that died just from the chakra. Mostly civilian babies, but with my chakra hypersensitivity they thought I was going to as well. It made an impression on my chakra network."
Komachi groaned. "I thought conversations with you as Bat were disturbing."
Sasuke shrugged. "You get used to it."
"Really?" Towa asked.
Komachi
Watching Bat and Hawk with their masks off was just bizarre. It definitely put into context those rumors that the Last Uchiha had been adopted by the Nara clan.
"Wait," Shikako said.
Sasuke turned to Shikako. To anyone else his face would have been impassive, but they worked with him with masks on. Akira could see the curiosity there.
"Wear this instead." Shikako handed him a shirt in the usual Uchiha style but without the clan markings.
Sasuke blinked twice. "With our mission history, I can understand doing thought experiments in going back in time and realizing that walking around as an extra clan member would be a bad idea, but did you honestly go as far as to pack for time travel. Not just for yourself, but for me as well?"
"Coincidence." At Sasuke's unimpressed look, she continued, "Mom ordered matching shirts for you and Kino. She told the tailor to leave off the crest for Kino's but he left them off on both. She gave it to me to get things fixed but then we got called in."
"Why didn't she just order one for Kino? It looks just like every other shirt I own."
"Do you want to know what she said or what she meant?"
Sasuke sighed. "What she meant."
"You're doing an awful job at clothing yourself. If you didn't have to replace your clothes from combat damage you probably wouldn't wear anything the right size."
Sasuke blinked. "Is that why you're so rough on my clothes when we spar?"
Shikako shrugged. "Mother's orders. She knows you don't like charity, but will accept replacements for clothing that I damaged myself."
Sasuke shook his head in a way that might have been copied from any other Nara. Hell, with the Sharingan that might have been literal. All he needed was to say "troublesome" and he'd be a real member of the family. "I swear she's gotten worse since Kino was born."
"I probably should have warned you about her before you got yourself unofficially adopted."
"Hn." That was definitely an agreement.
Shikako peered at him closely. "You might want to knock off the Uchiha-ese while we're in the village. You already look too much like a Uchiha-"
"That's because I am one. Didn't we just have a talk about clans and appearances?"
"Well it's working against us now. We want anyone looking at us now to think no name genin and not super elite ninja."
"So you're a super elite ninja now?"
"Which one of us did Iwa give a kill on sight order for?"
"That will teach you not to pet rampaging Bijuu on the nose like a pet."
"Isobu was hardly rampaging at the time."
"You know Sakura told me what that looked like from the outside," Sasuke said as he changed shirts. "First you made the Bijuu say that he was scared and then condescendingly pat it on the nose."
"You were there too," Shikako snapped.
"Yes, but even the Tsuchikage thinks I was just along for the ride."
Shikako was horrified. "No, he doesn't!"
"Then why does your bingo book entry say kill on sight and mine doesn't?"
"Because Iwa has some serious collective psychological issues when it comes to seal users."
Ignoring her, Sasuke continued, "And who is it that every time she leaves the borders of Hi no Kuni participates in a regime change, or a failed revolution or an invasion out of nowhere?"
"Just to be clear, are you arguing that I am a super elite ninja or that I'm not?"
Sasuke blinked. "I'm not even sure any more."
Shikako groaned. "This is why we need Naruto back. Then when you get an urge to argue for the sake of arguing, I don't need to be involved. Let's go find out when we are."
Akira finally let out a laugh. "I've never seen anyone take that whole saying about team as family so literally."
"Blame my mom," Shikako said.
"I distinctly remember you being the one to insist on team dinners at your place," Sasuke rebutted, then paused as he looked at what she was wearing. "Wait. You're going into the village dressed like that?"
Shikako looked at herself. "Yes…? Why? Is there something wrong with it?"
"That's like something Ino would wear back when she wasn't serious about being a kunoichi."
"Actually, these are some of Ino's clothes."
"You're dressing in Ino's clothes," Sasuke repeated flatly.
"All my spares look too stereotypically Nara. And I just happened to have some clothes that Ino left at my place."
"Ino lives within spitting distance from you. I think with chakra that's literal. Why would she leave clothes at your place?"
"Eww. You're such a boy, and honestly, I think she's messing with Shika somehow. He definitely twitched when he found out that wardrobe was for her, but I'm not sure why."
Well, that was a point in favor of the rumor that the Jounin Commander's daughter was dating the Yamanaka heiress… and was somehow not actually aware of that fact. Though, given that a Yamanaka was involved, it was also entirely possible that it was part of a mind game that Shikako was deliberately trying not to think about. Of course, both being true was a possibility. Again, a Yamanaka was involved.
On the other side of the bantering pair, Towa - Shinobu - shook his head, clearly amused. These two were still clearly Hawk and Bat, just with the intensity turned up.
"I don't see what the big deal is…. Ino's practically another twin. Our birthdays are even a day apart."
"Yeah, but you don't store stuff in Shikamaru's room."
Well, on the plus side, no one was going to peg the couple loudly arguing about nothing in particular as infiltrators.
Sasuke 2
Their first stop was food. This wasn't necessary for nutrition since Shikako had more ration bars on hand than she could conveniently count, especially if sealing the supply depot worked, but gossip could tell them alot. Sasuke sighed when Shikako dragged the team to Ichiraku's, but didn't protest. It was still a relatively busy place and didn't have any private booths with anti-eavesdropping seals.
They passed by at least three Uchiha between the training ground they landed in and Ichiraku's. Sasuke didn't want to admit he stared at the first one, but something prompted Shikako to pull on his ear and tell him that he shouldn't be staring at pretty girls when he was out with her. He wouldn't admit to sputtering and being completely unable to respond to the idea of being on a date with Shikako either. Towa and Komachi, the bastards, just laughed at him.
Ichiraku was younger than Sasuke remembered, but he couldn't tell by how much, except that it was a lot. Sasuke sat down and immediately ordered a spicy pork bowl. Towa and Komachi both took only slightly longer to opt for shio and shouyu respectively. Sasuke was flummoxed when Shikako looked at the menu like she'd never seen it before.
"Having trouble deciding, little lady?"
Shikako nodded. "Today's my cheat day for my diet, but I don't want to cheat too much. But I also don't want to cheat too little, if you know what I mean."
Sasuke stared at Shikako like she'd grown another head. Hell, growing another head would make more sense than the dieting nonsense she just spouted. There's bound to be a technique for that, right?
"I get you. I'd recommend a small chicken with extra veggies then. Not too many calories and the veggies absorb the flavor."
"Sounds good," Shikako chirped. Chirped! Not that she'd never done that before, but usually when she was acting that way bad things happened to bad people shortly thereafter. That had liberal definitions for bad things and bad people - Shikako could be amazingly petty. Sasuke didn't know what triggered that one, and hoped that she was just in character.
"Are you a ninja?" Ichiraku asked as he prepared the food. "Most ninja can burn this much off in no time."
"Technically," Shikako shrugged.
"Technically?"
"There are a lot of jobs that you need chakra training for that don't really fit into what most people imagine when they say ninja. A lot of the paperwork can only be handled by ninja because of the security seals. So some people that can't make it in the field…." Shikako shrugged helplessly.
"Huh. I never realized. Does it pay well?"
"You won't get rich off it, but you won't be in any danger of starving either."
"My daughter doesn't want to go to the Ninja Academy because she doesn't want to kill." Okay, that meant that Ayame was less than six, but how old was she again? Older than Sasuke, but he wasn't sure how much older. Assuming that she was exactly their age that would mean that they were at least seven years in the past. Sasuke would guess that Ayame was around three years older, so that would put them in the ten year range.
"Well you can't go to the Academy and not learn how," Shikako replied, "but there are some people I worked with that have never drawn a weapon in anger… unless you count that one time when someone switched all the coffee with decaf."
Ichiraku winced. "Well, that would make me change my stance on murder alright."
"So how old is your daughter?"
"Ayame's five now. She wants to follow in her old man's footsteps and run the business." Ichiraku set down their orders, which was a little slow for him. Maybe he got better with age or maybe the conversation put him off his game.
"That's adorable. What part does she like? The cooking? The customers?"
"She's a little shy. It's definitely the cooking." Well that didn't compute at all. Ayame and shy did not belong in the same sentence.
It was a good thing Shikako was doing all the talking, because she didn't seem fazed at all by that comment. "Well, there are some ninja cooking tricks."
"Seriously?"
Shikako nodded. "Most of them aren't much use in the kitchen like starting fires when camping or heating food without fire."
Ichiraku nodded. "You're right, not a lot of calls for that in the kitchen."
"Yeah, but some are useful like evenly coating a pan in oil with chakra."
Ichiraku pursed his lips. "That doesn't sound too useful."
"Not by itself, but if you have a dozen little tricks, it adds up. Maybe not in the taste, but I save sooo much time cleaning."
Sasuke blinked at Shikako's vapid elongation of the word so. If he didn't know better, he'd think she had been working on impersonating some of his worst fangirls just to traumatize him some time in the future. Who was he kidding? She probably had been. This was probably payback for that super elite ninja comment. Shikako had definitely been spending too much time around the Yamanaka and had absorbed their mind breaking techniques. Ibiki too.
"I admit I would be happier about the job with less cleaning. Cooking is a pleasure, but the messes I could live without."
Shikako nodded understandingly and took a sip of her broth. "Mmm. This is good. So you said she was five?"
"She turned five this last February," he said proudly.
"So that's how many months? What was the date again?"
Ichiraku laughed. "I don't think the number of days is important, but almost five and eight months. It's October tenth and she was born February fourteenth."
"October tenth. October tenth," Shikako said thoughtfully. Then her eyes opened. "It's his birthday!" Shikako turned and shook Sasuke. "It's his birthday! His. Birth. Day. We need to prepare!"
"Whose birthday?" Sasuke asked and then his eyes widened. "The Dobe's? That's tonight?" Towa and Komachi were a bit slower on the uptake, but were just as alarmed. Towa even snapped his disposable chopsticks.
Ichiraku laughed. "Did you forget to buy a present?"
Shikako shook her head. "Our friend likes to play pranks on his birthday. It's supposed to be a doozy this year. I'd recommend getting to one of the invasion shelters. He might have been joking but he said something about explosive tags."
Ichiraku nodded. "Ah, one of those." He then turned and shouted at the other customers. "We've got a code H! Closing early."
"Code H?" Sasuke asked. To his confusion, the other customers were taking this seriously and started packing up.
"H for Habanero. We've got a regular who sounds very similar to your friend."
Shikako groaned. "She's his role model." Seriously? Was that part of the act or did Naruto seriously pattern his behavior after someone called Habanero?
"Definitely closing early. Thanks for the warning." Ichiraku started muttering to himself about a birthday prank and maybe taking the idea of going to a shelter seriously.
Shikako 2
Shikako dragged the team to Training Ground Seventeen. It was one of the lesser used training grounds for the simple reason that it was right next to Gai's favorite training ground. Whether people ignored it because of the noise or because they were afraid they might get sucked into Gai's insane routine was a matter of debate. There was a good chance that it was still true now.
They hadn't bothered to gather much more information. Frankly they were far enough back that unless it was a glaring difference they wouldn't be able to tell if it was time travel or dimension travel.
"It looks like time travel to me," Shikako admitted to a glowering Sasuke. "What?"
"You were channeling Ami at Ichiraku's."
Shikako shrugged. "I wanted to seem harmless."
"Hn." Which was Uchiha for "sick burn, bro."
"Is that really the time for this?" Akira asked.
"So, as I was saying, it looks like time travel." Shikako was fairly certain because she was able to detect her own chakra signature in her home, which was a weird as heck feeling. As an anomaly, if it was dimension travel, the chances of herself being around were much, much lower.
Sasuke twitched in his equivalent of a shrug. "We should probably hole up somewhere and not try to change things."
"Your family's alive."
"And they won't stay that way if there's a temporal paradox when we try to change history!"
Shikako blinked slowly. "When did you get conversant in temporal paradoxes?"
"Given our mission history it was bound to happen sooner or later."
"Well, I think the chances of a universe shattering kaboom are pretty low considering we got Teuchi to close up shop early today. That's bound to have changed things a little."
"And maybe small changes don't cause-" Sasuke grimaced. "-universe shattering kabooms."
"Since when has Team Seven been about playing things safe?"
"Since Naruto isn't here to pull some of his reality distorting bull."
"... I can see your point. I have some information that might change your mind, but you have to promise not to kill me for not telling you before, because it's not like I have proof. And frankly, it wasn't safe for anyone to know it, especially not me."
"That's not ominous at all."
"Yeah, so what do you know about- Do you feel that?"
"Feel what?"
Shikako turned and pointed. "The Nine Tails."
"That was supposed to happen tonight!" Akira blurted out. "Not the afternoon."
Shionbu punctuated that with a particularly vile swear.
Shikako groaned. "Somehow we've already changed things."
"I'm never forgiving you if you tell the Dobe that closing Ichiraku's early got the Nine Tails to attack early. Masks back on."
"So, this has never come up, but I'm pretty sure the Nine Tails is being controlled like Isobu was," Shikako said as she put her mask back on.
"How the heck did this never come up?"
"Because it didn't?"
"Stop," Akira said, slipping her mask back on and becoming Komachi again. "Who's Isobu?"
"Very long story short, the Three Tails was under the control of a Sharingan specific Genjutsu causing him to go berserk. So S-class secrets that I would be in so much trouble sharing if we were back in our time: Naruto's mom was the previous Jinchuuriki of the Nine Tails and someone took advantage of the weakening of the seal at child birth to unleash the fuzzball on Konoha. I can't prove it, but there are some indications that it's actually Uchiha Madara looking to get revenge on his old village."
"And that's the direction we're running towards," Towa said dryly.
"I'm on a team with Naruto, of course I put together a plan in case the Nine Tails went berserk."
"This actually explains so much," Komachi muttered.
"No, no, it doesn't," Towa argued.
"Here's what we're going to do…."