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When the alarm clock went off, Peem smacked his phone three times before finally grabbing it and turning it off. Then he stayed there, face down in his pillow, for another three minutes before finally, finally, rolling over and dropping his legs over the side of his bed. He had a class today, but the professor already knew he wouldn’t be attending. They’d discussed it last week and yesterday. So Peem had nowhere to run off to.
With a deep sigh, he stared up at his ceiling and debated when to get up. Auntie Pui would probably come up the stairs any minute with hot cakes and tea and try to pretend a customer ordered them but then changed their mind. She knew he didn’t want to be pitied, but she also knew he kind of secretly wanted to be taken care of.
Later, he’d need to go to the temple to pay his respects. He needed to buy flowers before he went. He needed to take a shower before that. He needed to get out of bed before anything.
Stupidly, he wondered if Phum would notice he wasn’t at school.
“I’m coming in,” Auntie Pui announced as she bumped the door open with her butt and then shimmied in with a tray. It contained a plate of two hot cakes and a ceramic cup with the tea bag still steeping. “I had a small group come in as soon as the door opened this morning. One of them ordered a tea but then changed their mind after I’d already started making it. Can you believe?”
Peem sat up to greet her and took the tray as she passed it to him. He set it gently on the bedspread and gave her a fond smile. “And the hot cakes?” he asked.
She looked away guiltily but pursed her lips and shrugged. “I made some for myself and ended up with extra. That’s why there’s only two. If you’re still hungry after that, then get something on your own.” And she waved at him dismissively.
Peem let out a soft laugh and shook his head. He stood up, careful not to shift the tray, and quickly hugged his aunt, catching her off guard. She let out a sound of surprise but then melted into his embrace. She hugged him back tightly and pat his back, and they stayed there together for several moments. Peem knew his aunt was like him and would never admit that she craved this every year, needed this moment of solace, just like Peem.
After all, they had both lost a loved one today.
“Thanks, Auntie,” he said sincerely and pulled away.
She pat him on the shoulder and nodded while clearing her throat. “Yes, yes. Well- Well let me know if you want company to the temple today.”
“I’ll be okay, but thanks.” This was also a custom every year. Auntie Pui didn’t like going to the temple, but she always offered. He always declined.
After that, she went back to the cafe and Peem ate his breakfast in silence. He glanced at his phone a few times and debated texting people to not expect him today... except all his friends already knew he wouldn’t be available. The only people to text and warn would be Toey or Phum.
Shaking his head, Peem pushed up from the bed and took his empty tray over to the door. He set it down on the floor so he could grab it on his way out, or for his aunt to grab if she was quicker, and then went and took a shower. As the water ran over him, he wondered how time could seem to go so slowly and so quickly at the same time.
“Ten years,” he murmured as he got out of the shower and got dressed.
Had it been such a long time ago? It felt like four years. But at the same time, he could remember so much happening in those ten years, could remember how the school semesters dragged on, how long it took for events with his friends to finally happen.
So slow and so quick.
Finally, he slipped his bag over his head and headed downstairs. He waved at his aunt as he grabbed a snack from the cafe display case, and she gave him a sad smile in return.
“I’ll see you later. I love you,” Peem called out as he headed for the door.
“Me too,” she called after him. “Be safe! Don’t stay out too late!”
The sun was bright and hot. Instead of going for a cab, Peem decided to walk the whole distance to the temple. On the way, he took a deep breath to enjoy the morning air, turned his head to search for a bird he could hear in a nearby tree, and smiled at a group of school kids kicking a ball around as they made their way toward school.
It was a sad anniversary, but Peem reminded himself that it wasn’t a bad day. Plenty of people around him were going around experiencing boring, normal, complacent days. Happy days, even. He didn’t need to walk through it with a frown and acting all gloomy.
Near the temple entrance, Peem stopped at a shop to pick out two bunches of flowers. Bringing them to his nose, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath of their soft, simple scent. Then he went to the corner mart and bought a can of beer.
The temple was beautiful and clean, and a few families were walking around, visiting the columbarium when Peem walked up. He paused at the end of the row of pretty, white and red architecture and took a deep breath. Ten visits, but it never felt like it got any easier.
The path felt like it grew longer, like a dream that would never let him reach his destination, and then suddenly he was there. He was standing in front of the plaque with his parents’ names and looking at their photograph beneath it. Someone had already cleaned the plaque and lit a candle for them, and he scoffed at how small the candle was. Of course, it didn’t matter how small an offering was, but Peem couldn’t separate the candle’s purpose from his dislike of the person who’d lit it. It was extra annoying that his uncle had gotten there before him and hadn’t even stayed long enough to run into Peem.
Carefully, Peem set his flowers on the ground in front of his parents and took a seat.
“Hello Dad. Mom. I’m twenty this year. You’ve officially been gone for half my life.” He shook his head, felt his chest tighten. “Shit, I miss you so much.” He covered his mouth and closed his eyes, holding back his words and the feeling of tears at the same time. “Sorry. I shouldn’t say.... I shouldn’t use that kind of language here, right?”
There he had to pause to collect himself. No matter how much he thought he prepared for this visit, no matter how much he tried to focus on the goodness of the day, he always cried in front of his parents' columbarium niche. Reaching into his bag, he pulled out his beer and popped the can. If anyone around heard and gave a shit, they didn’t say anything. He took a swig and then set it on the ground beside himself. An easy grab away.
Around him, most visitors were in pairs or groups. They were hugging or offering support or laughing together. Peem envied them. He only had Auntie Pui, and she hated coming to the temple each year, because she didn’t want people to see her crying. Least of all her nephew. There was Peem’s uncle, of course, but Peem would be fine never seeing that man again. He’d always called Peem “needy” after the funeral, as if a ten-year-old should be able to simply move on from the sudden death of his parents.
No, it was better for Peem to come alone. Even if he wished he had someone to hold his hand or let him lean on their shoulder.
Leaning back on his hands, Peem quietly told his parents about recent changes in his life. He mumbled about Toey and Q’s issues. He grumbled about Pun’s plotting. Eventually he complained about school deadlines. He sipped his beer and put off talking about Phum until every other topic was exhausted. Only then did he glance around to make sure he had no audience and dare to even whisper about the older man.
“I finished my painting again, but I lied and told him I hadn’t. I guess I’m worried he’ll stop hanging around me without the whole slave thing. I mean, he’s stupid rich and I’m... well, I’m not. Our friend groups are different, except for Tan. Our majors are totally different. I mean... I mean, without our deal, I’m not sure why he’d still want to be around me.” He paused and pressed his lips together.
“Don’t get me wrong, Mom. I know I’m interesting. I had someone tell me recently that I exude happiness. And Phum kissed me. I’m not as stupid as I seem. I know he’s interested in me. But like- Come on. Once you move past the physical aspect, does he actually like me? Or does he just like my face? I mean, I like his face. A lot. And once you get to know him, he’s not such a bad guy. He’s a little pompous and he really doesn’t get how the other half lives, but I think he’s just lonely and needs friends.”
He glanced around again to make sure he was alone and then leaned forward and smiled. “Okay, so I kind of like him a lot. He used to annoy the crap out of me, but now I think he’s pretty sweet, honestly.” He hummed thoughtfully and then sighed. “I shouldn’t get ahead of myself though. Still, if we ever do start dating, and it lasts at all, I’ll be sure to bring him around to say hi to you two. Would you like that?”
The wind blowing through the leaves and the sun shining down around him were the only answers he got.
“Yeah.” Peem pushed his hair back from his face, but it fell right back into place. “I thought you’d like that.”
Picking up his beer, he realized it was empty and he sighed. He’d been here a long time. The sun was overhead, and his stomach clenched in annoyance at being ignored. He should get lunch.
With a long sigh, Peem pushed himself to his feet and then bent to grab his trash. His parents’ photos smiled up at him, and he gave them a sad smile in return. “Okay. I’m leaving now. I’ll tell Auntie to visit soon.” Then he stepped forward and put his hand over their names. “I love you,” he murmured.
The cicadas chirruped in the trees around him, signaling the start of summer. A few people passed him in the opposite direction as he approached the stairs that led out onto the main street. He was distracted, debating where he wanted to go for lunch, when a ray of sunlight struck him and forced him to stop on the stairs. He put his hand up to block the sun and squinted down the last few steps.
There. Standing on the sidewalk. It was Phum.
Peem was struck again, this time in surprise and confusion. His heart jumped to his throat at the sight of his crush there, serendipitous and unlikely. Peem had just been talking about him to his parents, discussing his feelings for Phum and his feelings of inadequacy. The coincidence of Phum being there, in front of the temple, was impossible. It was lunch time. Phum should be on campus, and yet— Had he come to see Peem? Emotion welled up in his chest.
“What are you doing here?” Peem asked.
Phum smiled softly at him, in that mysterious and debonair way he had. “You weren’t at school,” he said, like that explained everything.
Peem dropped down another step toward him, just out of the sun so he could lower his hand. “How did you know where to find me?” Peem asked, a little suspicious.
“Tan told me.” Phum shrugged and stepped closer to the stairs. “You came alone?” Peem nodded, not trusting his voice. Phum tilted his head to the side, frowning slightly. “Want some company?”
Peem swallowed thickly. He just—How did someone like Phum manage to say the right thing so often? It was as if he could read Peem’s mind sometimes, and he knew exactly what Peem needed to hear.
“Or am I interrupting?” Phum asked, frowning with sudden nerves. He lifted his hand and the bag he held. “I brought lunch, but you can have it. I can leave.”
“No.” Peem shook his head. He stepped down to the last stair and reached out to hold the bag with Phum. “Let’s eat together.”
Phum smiled in relief and stepped up onto the stairs with Peem, their bodies too close. “Okay,” was all he said in his deep voice, but it nearly made Peem shiver. That would be so damn embarrassing.
Although he’d just been leaving, Peem turned and led Phum back up the steps and into the temple. Thier hands stayed together, both holding the bag of food, the whole way. Peem stopped in front of his parents again, but this time he felt himself shaking. He’d never brought someone with him before. It felt... monumental.
“Mom. Dad.” He looked at each of their faces, then glanced up at Phum. The older boy also glanced away from the plaque to give Peem a curious look. Peem took a deep breath. “This is Phum,” he continued, looking back at his parents. “He’s a friend from school.”
If his parents were listening, he knew they’d be giving him knowing looks. He’d just told them about Phum less than five minutes ago.
Beside him, Phum released the food bag to give a wai and bow his head toward the columbarium niche. “Hello, Peem’s mom and dad. You should know that your son is handsome and charming. Just like me.”
Peem snorted and shook his head, then he motioned for Phum to sit down with him. They opened the lunch boxes and were only a few bites in when Phum scooted to be right up against Peem’s leg. He gave a flirty smile when Peem’s brow knit in curiosity, and then he offered a bit of food to Peem. Like a boyfriend might. Peem ate it in silence, staring into Peem’s handsome face and soft eyes. Damn, but he was caring when he wanted to be, and he was so good looking.
And he’d come to the temple to see Peem and his parents.
“When did they die?” Phum asked after a moment.
Peem cleared his throat. “When I was ten,” he said. “Car accident. I lived with my uncle for a bit, but I hated him. Luckily, Auntie Pui also hated him, and she applied to be my legal guardian. I’ve been with her for nine years now.”
“She owns the cafe, right?” Phum asked, trying and failing to flick his hair out of his eyes.
“Mm.”
“She didn’t come with you this year?” Phum bumped their shoulders together.
Peem shook his head. “I’ve been coming alone since I was... thirteen? Auntie doesn’t like crying in front of me. But that’s alright. I’m... used to it.”
Maybe he didn’t like it. Maybe he was jealous of all the visitors around him. But this was his life, and this was how it was. He’d learned to live with it.
Suddenly, Phum turned to the niche again and smiled. “Mom, Dad,” he said, like a close friend or boyfriend. “I promise Peem is being looked after. I’ll make sure he eats and doesn’t come alone ever again.”
“Wha-?!” Peem smacked Phum’s shoulder in surprise. His heart rate tripled. “You can’t just say shit like that to them! It’s wrong to break a promise to the dead!”
“Who said I would break it?” Phum asked, looking frustratingly genuine and soft. “I mean it. I can come with you next year. And the next. I don’t mind.”
Peem sucked his teeth and looked away, unable to handle the care in Phum’s eyes. Warmth was creeping through his veins, like the poison of hope and expectation, and the most annoying thing was that he couldn’t seem to stop himself from feeling it. With a sigh, he leaned over and dropped his head onto Phum’s shoulder without warning, hiding his face.
His eyes felt hot, and he sucked on his lips as he forbade himself from crying. It shouldn’t make him cry, the knowledge that someone was offering to spend this horrible anniversary with him every year, that Phum was even spending it with him this one time. It shouldn’t, but it was trying to. Peem tried not to imagine next year, where Phum would meet him in the morning and they could sit and talk to his mom and dad together, and Peem could lean on Phum just like he was doing now, and he could cry and have the comfort of someone beside him. He tried not to, because if he didn’t get to have that, he knew the pain would wreck him. And yet the image came, strong and hopeful, to his mind.
“You’re the worst,” Peem mumbled into the crook of Phum’s shoulder and neck. He didn’t mean it, and his tone was likely too melancholy to be convincing. Fuck it.
“Yeah yeah, I know,” Phum agreed and wrapped his arm around Peem’s shoulders, pulling him slightly closer.
See? Phum wanted to say to his parents. He’s so annoying but he’s so kind too, and how am I supposed to not fall in love with that?
They stayed that way, sitting in front of the plaque and the flowers, cuddled together, for a long time. And when they finally left, they did it together, with Phum walking Peem all the way home. It was possibly the kindest thing anyone had ever done for Peem, and he knew he had fallen even harder for Phum by the time they got to his house.
It was natural to lean in and press a kiss to Phum’s lips, and it was no surprise that Peem’s heart skipped a beat to feel Phum kiss him back... again. They had not defined their relationship or discussed their feelings, but they would have to soon. Peem didn’t know if his heart could take it if he lost this now.
But, for the moment, he was glad to have had company on the anniversary of the worst day of his life. He really hoped he got to keep it for a long, long time.