Chapter Text
Charles Boyle is possibly the most awkward person in the precinct when it comes to flirting. Sure, Hitchcock and Scully definitely gave him some tough competition, but they didn’t do much flirting anyway so they didn’t count. Jake and Amy had each other, Holt had Kevin, Rosa had a variety of lovers, Terry had Sharon, and Gina… was Gina, and was naturally charming. Charles had the least eventful and least fulfilled love life out of any of them.
Originally, this was his excuse as to why he was so involved in Jake and Amy’s relationship. He was always reassuring them that he was just lonely (That part is true) and loved seeing two of his best friends fall in love. He, as a forty-something year old man, was too terrified to admit that he was pansexual and was in love with both of them.
Charles learned this about himself in high school, when, at a party, he made out with a jock in a bathroom (the Jock was three drinks in and forgot about the whole affair. Charles was sober and remembers it clearly). He made friends with the small population of gay kids at school and they taught him everything he needed to know—the rest was history. He’d never really been out, though; he tried to shove it deep down inside of himself as he knew being queer would make his career as a policeman harder than it needed to be.
Anyway, Jake and Amy—God, they were beautiful people. Amy was exactly who Charles wanted in a woman: organized, clean, beautiful… and she had great hair. That was obviously a plus. And Jake… it was hard to describe just how amazing he was and how much Charles liked him. He was funny and actually cared about Charles in no way anyone had ever had before.
So, because of these slowly increasing feelings, Charles decided that today would be step one towards a hopefully satisfying result–bagging both Jake and Amy. At the same time.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Charles entered the precinct at exactly 8:45am, as he always does. Scully and Hitchcock were in the kitchen making coffee, Gina was excessively focused on her phone, Terry and Holt were talking in the latter's office, and Rosa wasn't there yet.. He purposely avoided Amy (Jake wouldn't be here until 9:10, he'd run into some sort of issue) whilst scanning the room in fear that he'd start blushing. He took his briefcase to his desk and sat down, his eyes being careful to stare only at his computer and not the beautiful girl sitting diagonal from him.
Step one of his plan was nearly ready to be set in motion. He was going to come out to Rosa. And she was going to help him. Was she the best at giving romantic advice? No, that would be Gina. Is she easy to talk to about hard things? No, again, Gina was the best at that. But Charles had an… odd history with Gina, to say the least, so to make things easiest for him, he was saving her for second. Rosa was first and he was going to make her help him.
The familiar sound of the elevator ringed in Charles's ears, and he turned around to see a tall, dark haired woman step out. He stands up to meet her level.
"Rosa, I need to talk to you. This is an emergency and I think I will bust open if you don't let me talk to you about it."
"You could've said that better."
"Nope, it was perfect."
"Fine." Rosa grabs Charles's wrist and pulls him with her to the break room. He can feel his hands start to clam up and he gets a little dizzy: not because of the pulling, but because of the news he's about to drop on his friend at 8:50 in the morning. He knew that Rosa would support him, for obvious reasons, but it was just as terrifying to think about.
Rosa practically throws him into the break room and shuts the door behind them. "What."
"Okay, this is kind of hard to say-"
"Say it, Boyle." She pulls out a seat at one of the tables and Charles sits across from her. He cracks his knuckles and sighs deeply.
"I'm pansexual." He admits.
"Okay?"
"What?"
" That's what you came to tell me? It was obvious. No straight man is as obsessed with Dianne Wiest as you are."
"I guess that's true." Charles shrugs. "But there's more."
"Okay…"
"I'm in love with Jake. And Amy. Both of them. At the same time."
Rosa pauses for a moment and swallows. Charles's thoughts begin to spiral. She thinks I'm the weirdest person ever and she's going to completely cut me off and never talk to me again and-
"Oh no."
"I'm sorry."
"No, it's not about you… I owe Gina twenty bucks."
" YOU AND GINA BET ON THIS?"
— — — — — — — — — — — — — —- — — — —
"Charles, this is a very easy situation to figure out. I don't know why you're so stressed." Gina dead-panned. She had seated herself at the same table as Rosa. She was scrolling on her phone, not seeming to care all that much. Charles was busying himself at the vending machine, trying not to think about the one-thousand or so outcomes of the situation.
"Well then, Gina, enlighten me with your vast array of knowledge." He presses a few buttons and a Payday bar falls off of the rack.
"You eat Payday? There's a Kit Kat right in front of you!" Gina exclaims in disgust.
"Not only are they healthier, but the ingredients are far more authentic. Kit Kats are too plastic-y." Charles sits next to Rosa, across from Gina. He locks eyes with her. "Now, what's the word?" He says smoothly. "Sorry, I was trying to be intimidating. I'm freaking out!"
Gina breathes deeply. "Here's what you do. You invite them out to dinner, which by the way, is not weird—you're obsessed with them."
"They're just so cute!"
"Don't interrupt me." Gina orders, and Charles closes his lips tightly. "Thank you. You drive them to dinner, you start by complimenting them and admiring their relationship, and admit to them how you feel!"
"But how do I do that?"
"Just tell them." Rosa replies, her expression blank.
"How about you-"
"Hey, guys! What's the haps?" Jake enters the room, swinging the door open wide. Charles sighs and looks down at the table, avoiding his gaze.
"Just gossiping about Dancy Reagan. They really wanted to hear about my new routine!" Gina reassures Jake.
"I don't really care. I'm just bored." Rosa adds. "I'd never be interested in this."
"Allllllright. That's great, I guess, you do you." While Jake responds, Gina sort of gives Charles a nod. He knows what this means and turns around hin his chair.
"Hey, Jakey, what do you say that you and Amy meet me for dinner tonight? You know, just to hang out… as besties do!"
"Oh, um, sure! Yes, just… just bros chilling out… with my lady. It's gonna be great!" Jake stutters the words out and his face turns a soft shade of red. He gives Charles finger guns and walks out of the room, shutting the door behind him. Charles noticed this and was a little confused. Jake never gets nervous, what was that about?
"Nice one, Boyle." Rosa sticks out her fist and Charles bumps it.
"Just remember: do not be weird and gross like you usually are." Gina reminds him.
"Thanks, Gina, real… real confidence booster."