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Ever since Cas lost his mojo and became human, he felt useless. Sam and Dean wouldn’t let him help hunt, granted it was because they didn’t want him hurt, but he still felt useless nether the less. He was only useful for cooking, which led to many disastrous events that they no longer speak of, cleaning, doing their laundry, and watching TV shows upon TV shows on Netflix when the boys were off on a hunt.
They came to some sort of agreement when the boys came home to the bunker in a mess, and Cas no where to be found. Sam and Dean, thinking the worse, thought the Angels had found Cas, or some supernatural creature had broken in.
After a few minutes of worrying and shouting around the bunker, Sam found Cas. He was curled up on the floor, in the corner of the room, under a blanket in the laundry room; wearing nothing but a pair of briefs. His hair was a mess, there were tears streaming down his face, he was shaking like a leaf and wouldn’t move from where it was sat. It took them almost an hour to get him to move, granted most of the persuasion was made with food and hot coca, which the former Angel had become very fond of. Once they had moved him into the room where the sofa's and TV were situated, they got an answer out of him. Cas had experienced a mental breakdown.
He said he didn’t know what happened, just all of sudden he was filled with rage and despair toward himself and began breaking things. Which led to the decision of Cas coming on hunts with them, if he learnt to defend himself. Using human weapons.
Fast forward a few days later, Cas found himself entering the secluded field out back. The first thing Cas noticed was Dean. He was wearing a grey top that graciously showed off his biceps causing Cas to blush slightly. Dean was turned away from Cas, shooting at something in the distance. It was a hot day, around 80 degrees, and yet Cas still refused to take off his smart outerwear, including the trench coat.
Dean turned, facing Cas, smiling softly to himself.
“Still attached that grubby old trench coat I see? It can get pretty hot, you might wanna take it off”, he said re-loading the gun in hand.
As if on que Cas felt the heat of the sun. This happened sometimes, he didn’t know he could feel something until someone pointed it out, or hinted toward it. He shrugged off his outer coat and blazer placing it on a hedge next to him; rolling his pristine white shirt up to his elbows and loosening his tie. This time, it was Dean's turn to blush.
Cas straightened himself up, this was when he noticed the targets, some like archery targets, others the outline of a human figure. There were some on stands, some hanging off branches, some nailed to the trunks of trees and some peeking out from behind the trees. There was also a metal table beside Dean, literally filled with guns and weapons.
“Dean?”, he asked, unsure why there was so many objects.
Dean looked him in the eye, giving him that small, fond smile, releasing the tight grip he had on the gun, putting it on the table with the others.
“You need to know how to use these,” he said pointing at the weapons.
Cas stared at them. There was stuff from knives to stakes to guns just pilled up.
Dean piked up a shotgun, “although I hope you have never have to”, he muttered checking it was loaded with amo.
Cas breathed deeply, looking nervous as hell, “okay, where do I start?”, he gruffed, his eyes dancing across the table, taking everything that was there in.
Dean came to stand beside him, “I know it looks like a lot, but you already know how to use the knives,” he moved those to one side, “the swords we use on vamps are just like giant knives so you wont need much work on that,”
“But Dean,” Cas was starting to get worked up again, Dean could sense the discomfort coming off of him, being reminded yet again that he was no longer an Angel.
“Hey,” Dean started, placing the palm of his hand on Cas' back. “Look at me and Sam,”, Cas wiped a tear away, “We've never had any special mojo and we do okay,” he moved his hand to Cas' shoulder to turn his face toward him. “That means you'll do okay too.” Cas let out a small laugh, pearly whites and gums showing.
Dean let out a laugh too, moving away and turning his attention back to the table. He picked up a blue pair of what looked like giant headphones, FBI in black, bold letters on the side. Cas gave him a knowing glance, Dean just smiled, shrugging.
“Noise cancelling, to protect your ears,” he said, giving them to Cas “just to start with”.
Cas noticed the googles too and picked those up, putting them on his face. He smiled looking around, everything was now yellow. “This must be the perspective bee's have on the world,” Dean just shook his head fondly, helping with the fastening on the large head gear, just to make sure they fit properly of course. They made eye contact once Dean had finished, Cas was in yellow tinted googles and the ear muffs Dean had fitted. “Perfect,” Dean muttered under his breath. Castiel's eye widened, “What?,” he shouted, the ear muffs obviously working.
“Oh the gear, it fits good,” Dean said laughing, clearing his throat loudly too.
Dean turned his attention to the table, redness appearing on his face and neck. He picked up a small pistol, loading it so Cas could see what he was doing. “Check the gun is loaded,” he said, louder than before so Cas could hear.
Cas took the pistol from him, feeling the weight of it in his hands, breathing shakily, holding it up loosely in his hands toward Dean's face.
Dean dodged out the way, gripping Cas' wrist and moving it out in front of them.
“Jesus Cas, you tryin' to kill me?” Dean laughed, trying to get his breathing back in check.
Cas breathed, “sorry, sorry, I just-”, he collected himself, “-don’t know what im doing.”
“well that's where I come in,” Dean said, moving his left hand to Cas' back and keeping his right on Castiel's wrist. He took Cas' left hand and moved it to his side, “Just the one hand,” He said maybe just too quiet for Cas to hear, “turn sideways,” he voiced, moving Cas' body with his shoulders. Dean moved closer to Castiel, to make sure he could hear him. Dean could practically feel the heat radiating off his body. He breathed and told Cas to do the same, to steady their nerves.
“Slowly bring up the gun, be sure to hold it firmly, don't grip”, he loudly said, he leaned toward Cas' hand to cock the gun, looking intently into the other man's eyes as he did. He moved back to where he was before, moving his left hand further down his back.
“Focus on the target you wanna hit,”, Cas shuffled on his feet, though not moving from the position Dean had him in. He breathed in, focusing on a target that wasn’t far from where they stood.
“Look down your arm,” Dean hushed, swallowing built up saliva, “gives you better aim.”
Castiel's grip on the gun was still a little lose so Dean turned his head, now practically breathing on Cas' neck, “hold it tighter, Cas” he hushed just loud enough for him to hear. Cas gulped, enclosing the gun in hand a little tighter.
Castiel looked shaky, but breathed deeply again, seeming to relax himself.
Dean focused on the target Cas was aiming to shoot at, “squeeze the trigger, gently,” he gruffed.
Castiel squeezed the trigger. It surprised him, how much force and power one small gun had. He smiled. A little laugh escaping his body, he looked at Dean in surprise and laughed some more.
“Wow,” he finally said.
Dean chuckled beside him, “Jeesh Cas you got it on target, and on your first try,” he could feel the proud look forming across his face, “you'll be a natural in no time,” he smiled.
Dean took a step back, “ok, now try it on your own.” Cas' expression turned serious, he nodded to himself before turning back to the target. He repeated the steps, just like before, but quicker, confidence forming inside of him. He took three more shots, hitting them all on target, getting closer to the bullseye each time.
Dean stood their watching him, watching the way Cas would breathe, his eyes shifting to focus on the target. He stood there beaming thinking, I taught him that.
* *
Before long Cas was shooting at the outlined human targets, the targets in the trees, he even gave the one's that were the furthest away a go. He had switched from a pistol to a shotgun, only to decide he liked the smaller one better. He had one in each hand shooting at two targets at once.
He was a natural.
Castiel could feel his self-worth, confidence and strength returning every time he pulled that trigger. He felt powerful again, like he could protect and defend himself. And in all honesty, he felt pretty badass too.
They had been out for about an hour now and Cas was starting to feel it. Once turning human he began to realise he didn’t do well in high temperatures.
As if reading his mind Dean picked up his beaker from under the table, handing it to Cas.
“Some sort of juice,” he shrugged, noticing that Cas' hair was sticking to his forehead, his shirt starting to cling to his body, more so than before. And frankly he smelt a little like B/O.
“Think you've had enough for one day?” Dean asked him whilst Cas was guzzling down the cold liquid. Cas moved his eyes to look at Dean, still drinking. Finishing his mouthful and wiping away the excess juice from his lips, he smiled, breathing harshly. “Sure,” he breathed. His stomach rumbled. He smiled bashfully, “hungry too.”
Dean smiled, slapping him, in a friendly way, across the back, “I'll get Sam to whip us up some burgers.”
Cas picked his coat and blazer up off the hedge, making his way back to bunker, Dean following suit. Cas turned to him, confused, “aren't you going to pack away the weapons?”, he asked. Dean smiled, “nah i'll do that later.”
Sitting down eating the burgers Sam had made at the bunker's large table, Cas felt himself unable to breathe. An unusual ringing in his head, causing his skull to fell like it was going to explode. He dropped the burger that was in his hand to clasp his hands over his ears, causing the burger to fall to the floor.
“Aw come on dude, it can't be-” Sam started, but then realised the painful look on Cas' face.
“Cas!”, he shouted, Dean looked up from his plate, the expression Cas had on his face caused him to drop his burger too.
“Cas!”, he called, pushing himself up out of his chair to get to him, dropping to his side and placing his hand on Castiel's thigh.
Sam moved the chair Cas was in toward Dean, so he could then move him to the sofa. Dean picked him up bridal style so Cas didn’t have to remove his hands from his ears. Placing him down, kneeling in front of him again, feeling his forehead. He was burning up, “Sam get me a glass of water and a cold damp cloth, now,” he used his 'big brother' voice to get him moving faster.
Dean moved the small amount of fringe Cas had out of his face, “Cas?”, he asked hushly, “Cas, baby, you gotta answer me.” Dean could feel his own panic starting to swell up in his chest, causing his breath to become rapid. He took deep breathes whilst holding onto Castiel's face, moving his hair away from it. Sam returned with the water and cloth, placing the glass on the small coffee table they had and passing the cloth to Dean. Dean grabbed the cloth from him and started dabbing it across Cas' forehead.
“Dean whats wrong with him!” Sam asked on the verge of shouting,
“How would I know, Sam!” Dean snapped, continuing to dab Cas' forehead.
Sam gave him a strange but knowing look, “I'll call Bobby,” he said quietly, leaving the room to make the call.
After a few more moments Cas' arms became slack and he started to lower his hands from his ears. At first Dean thought it was because he passed out from the pain but Castiel moved both of his hands to Dean's wrists and lent his forehead against his own. He breathed, trying to collect himself.
“Dean,” he whispered, voice horse, Dean looked up, looking into Castiel's eyes, “Cas,” his hands moved to hold the side of Cas' face, moving his head gently to check his ears for external bleeding. But nothing. “Dean,” Cas hushed again, Dean looked at him, his concern plastered all over his face.
Cas smiled a little, “water,” he hushed. Dean quickly turned around to grab the glass Sam got for him, shuffling back a little to let Cas drink but not getting very far from the right grip Cas had his wrist in. He chugged down the drink, making a pleased noise when he was done.
“You gunna tell me what the hell that was about?” Dean asked worryingly.
Cas looked intently into his eyes, bringing Dean back up to same level height. His eyes flickering down to Dean's lips. “I don’t-”, he started, he blinked, diverting his eyes away, looking at the wall behind Dean's head. “I don’t know I just-,” he gulped, blinking again, “I just felt really weird and then there was just noise.” Castiel's eyes became glossy, small drops of tears beginning to fill his eyes. Dean brought his hands to hold Cas' face once more, “Hey,” he said softly, getting Cas to look into his eyes, “It's okay,”, he moved one of his hands to the back of Cas' neck, playing with the little tuffs of hair he had there. Cas' eyes were roaming all over Dean's face. Dean moved his head back a few inches, scrunching up his eyebrows, “What?” he asked, his lips turning upwards. Cas glancing down to his lips again, blinking then looking up to Dean's eyes.
“You.” he said simply.
Before Dean even knew what was happening Cas was leaning forward and placing a soft kiss onto Dean's lips. Dean jolted back, his eyes wide in shock. “Cas, what the hell?”, he removed his hands from his face and leaned back. “Why did you-”
“I heard you,” Cas whispered, Dean took a small intake of breath.
“Heard me say what?” Cas smiled at him, a small secretive smile.
Cas leaned forward, taking Dean's hands in his own. “Ever since I fell, something in me it-” he breathed, trying to find the right words and use them properly. “It sometimes takes me a while to realise something, something that is important or usually fairly obvious-”
“Cas, what are you trying to say?”, Dean was finding it hard to breathe.
“You and I, there's always been something, I knew when I was an Angel I shouldn’t have felt as strongly as I did for you,”
“You mean like the bond thing?” Dean asked quietly.
Castiel smiled, “Yes Dean, the bond thing,”
Cas could see the thoughts racing around in Dean's brain. But he waited for him to reply,
“But i-”, his words were cut off by a lump forming in his throat. Cas tilted his head in confusion and curiosity. Dean breathed, tilting his head back, blinking being more rapid than usual.
“Dean?”, Cas brought his hand up to Dean's face, just as he did for him just a few minutes ago, and wiped away a tear that escaped.
“I thought that was because you pulled me outta hell,” he huffed.
“So did I,”
“But then-”, Dean started, his eyebrows knotting together, confused.
“Dean, I'm not an Angel anymore”, Cas replied, a sad smile appearing.
“Yeah? What's that got to do with anything?”,
“I feel things differently now I'm fully human, I'm not just inside a vessel anymore.” Cas smiled, no sadness on his face. “I'm human,” he stated.
“I think we've covered that part, so?”, Dean was starting to get impatient.
“I think I love you Dean,”
Dean's face become emotionless. No expression on his face what so ever.
“You think?” and just like that anger and love and annoyance and sadness and happiness spread across his face.
“I've never felt love before Dean, I'm not sure what it is”
“Well,” Dean started, swallowing. “How do I make you feel?”
Cas smiled. His brain going back into all the times they've spent together, every lingered touch, every hug, every moment they were in each other's presence.
“Like I want to be with you all the time, I want to protect you and keep you safe. I want to go on hunts with you, ride in the Impala with you, go to dinner with you. When i'm not with you I feel lost, and that's not because you're comfort to me, because I dont like change, it's because when im not around you, I feel like im not me, like a part of me is missing. You make me feel happy, safe, protected, sad and angry,” Cas took a breather from his declaration of love to just look at Dean. This beautiful man with the brightest soul Castiel had every laid eyes on. “You make me feel loved.”
The moment those words left his lips Dean lunged forward and kissed him. “You idiot,” he breathed between kisses. Cas was caught a little off guard but kissed back with all his will, Dean kneeled up, curling his arms around Cas' neck, kissing him deeply. “You oblivious idiot,” Cas smiled against lips. Unsealing their lips, their foreheads pressed together, just breathing. “How am I an idiot?”, Cas asked.
“Because that's how I feel about you.”
* *
“I heard you.” Cas whispered, Sam stopped in his tracks. Sensing this probably wasn’t the best time to interrupt, but kept listening, just to settle his curiosity.
He just stood their, smiling.
And if he took a photo of them, finally kissing, that was his business.