Work Text:
Despite living a relatively comfortable, nondescript life, Shen Yuan still manages to run into some surprises.
The first surprise happens by coincidence entirely— it’s the way he falls so easily into becoming a fanboy. It’s not like he’s the type to regularly obsess over idols (his normal go-to for hyperfixation is a trashy web novel). It’s just that his attention gets completely snagged by one in particular, called Luo Binghe. Tall with a handsome face, incredible dance moves, and a powerful singing voice, Luo Binghe has a charming personality that seems to have won over everyone and their mother (and Shen Yuan).
Shen Yuan first discovers him when his sister makes him take her to the group’s concert. He isn’t particularly interested at the time but her friends have bailed, and she does not want to go alone. So he tags along and three hours later, has been completely enraptured by the lead of the group. His sister teases him for watching more than half the set with his mouth open, and no amount of threats or protests from him gets her to shut up.
But she isn’t wrong. The seeds for a deep fascination have been sowed.
It is because Luo Binghe is such an alpha male, as were all the other guys, Shen Yuan reasons with himself. Rarely do men carry themselves with such surety without coming off like arrogant fools. Luo Binghe has a timeless look and incredible class, and in the interview or two (or ten) that Shen Yuan watches after he goes home and is safely ensconced in his room, he comes off as polite, intelligent, and sweet. He has a sarcastic edge to him too, that draws Shen Yuan in and before Shen Yuan knows it, he has scoured every edge of the internet for information on Luo Binghe and his group at large.
A week after the concert, Shen Yuan knows everything there is to know about Luo Binghe and then some, including the fact that they had grown up in adjacent neighbourhoods for a brief amount of time before Luo Binghe’s father came to claim him and took him overseas. He sometimes wonders if they ever crossed paths, and ashamedly has some daydreams where they’re long time childhood friends, or Luo Binghe was part of the group of elementary school kids Shen Yuan used to tutor in middle school. In these daydreams, Shen Yuan was able to watch Luo Binghe’s rise to fame right from backstage.
A month later, Shen Yuan has a considerable amount of merch, including a rare photocard he definitely dipped into some trust fund money for. It’s a little more productive than arguing on forums about unnecessarily long and contrived web novels, he rationalizes.
Three months after that, Shen Yuan is a bona fide fanboy, though he does his best to keep it under wraps. He’s only discovered by one of his coworkers, who recognizes a special edition unbranded pen that Shen Yuan brings one day, and only because that co-worker is also a closet rabid fan whose bias is the cold, stoic right hand man of the group.
Through Shang Qinghua, Shen Yuan finds out that a giant ice cream brand is hosting a competition to win an exclusive meet and greet. They both enter and a month later, the second surprise comes: Shen Yuan wins the meet and greet.
It’s not during a concert; it’s after a charity event, which feels a little strange as Shen Yuan doesn’t get invited to the event itself. Instead, he’s invited to the headquarters of the label with two other guests of his choice. His sister has been cheerfully talking with the assistant who’s been tasked with giving them a tour of the building while he and Shang Qinghua maintain stoic composure all throughout, trying their best not to let on to the fact that they are flipping out on the inside.
Eventually, they make it to the green room where the group is being held. They’re still in their suits from the afternoon event, and Shen Yuan really hopes that he doesn’t look as nervous as Shang Qinghua does. He’s humbled briefly by the bored, slightly annoyed look all the group members wear as the assistant opens the doors. Smiles are plastered on, some more gamely than others as they enter the room. Shen Yuan’s heart is erratic as he thinks about finally seeing the Luo Binghe up close.
The third surprise is when Luo Binghe makes eye contact with him, and his eyes widen. He beckons over the assistant and whispers furiously to him, before looking up with a surprised expression. Shen Yuan’s brain has gone offline so he doesn’t fully process what’s happening till Luo Binghe breaks out into a wide grin and launches himself forward, sweeping Shen Yuan into a bear-hug.
Shen Yuan squawks and awkwardly wraps his hands around Luo Binghe, unsure of what is happening but entirely sure he is dreaming. Luo Binghe draws back and says, “I can’t believe we’re meeting again, Shen-ge,” and it turns out that Shen Yuan’s daydreams were not so unrealistic after all.
The fourth surprise is everything that comes after.
Shen Yuan swears he remembers faces, but apparently that only extends to the countless historical dramas he likes to binge-watch over the weekend. Surely, he would remember a face as handsome as Binghe’s but turns out, fifteen years ago, Luo Binghe was a scrawny, shy and painfully awkward kid who hid behind bottle-rim glasses and was eager to please. Shen Yuan remembers him and the earnest way he would follow the older kids around like a duckling.
Apparently, he had saved Luo Binghe from some bullies once; Luo Binghe recounts how Shen Yuan stepped between him and three other boys from his grade that were picking on him and asked them what the hell they thought they were doing. It doesn’t really sound as heroic as Luo Binghe makes it out to be. Shen Yuan vaguely remembers getting annoyed at some middle schoolers for harassing the younger kids, and remembers spreading a rumor about the leader picking his nose for extra nutrition, just so that the group would stop loitering on the field bench he preferred to sprawl out and read on.
But to Luo Binghe, who is now a towering, well-sculpted idol who is beloved by many, it was very heroic and something he never forgot. Apparently, it stuck long enough in his memory that he is quick to drag Shen Yuan into an enthusiastic friendship. Shen Yuan, who’s still star struck and beating himself up for not remembering going to school with his bias of all people, tags along for the ride. As much as he tries to maintain his cool exterior, he just can’t help but get excited about how fucking awesome this all is.
Luo Binghe’s group is taking a break from touring— but is still working hard. Shen Yuan gets invited to watch their recitals, where he gets to see the pieces of their shows get put into place. He has stars in his eyes for the first few weeks though he manages to keep a facade of dignity around himself, despite freaking out on the inside. It is an admirable feat especially after he’s introduced to the whole group as Luo Binghe’s long time friend.
Luo Binghe calls him Shen-ge and gege with a flirty lilt though Shen Yuan is sure that all idols are trained in this way. So he bites the inside of his cheek and gives a small smile to all of them, even the manager who takes Luo Binghe to the side and tells him that he can’t just go around picking up NEETs loud enough for everyone to hear. Shen Yuan gets indignant so fast that he starts to cough and protests that he does have a job— he just took some days off. The withering look the manager gives him pierces straight through him but thankfully, Shen Yuan is saved by Luo Binghe stating obstinately that Shen Yuan is going to stay.
It’s not the only aspect of Luo Binghe’s world that Shen Yuan gets introduced to— he gets to hang out backstage at the filming of a talk show, as well as a few photoshoots, where he’s repeatedly mistaken for a PA. It’s jarring at times how quickly Luo Binghe folded him into his world but it turns out, one act of kindness from over a decade ago is enough for Luo Binghe to trust him now.
Shen Yuan carries himself with dignity through all of it— or as much as one can when being in close proximity to their favourite celebrity. He sneaks a picture here and there for Shang Qinghua, who’s been hounding him for information ever since he saw Luo Binghe tackle him in the green room. On purpose, Shen Yuan makes sure to crop out Shang Qinghua’s bias from all the photos, just so that the other man throws crumpled receipts at him across their cubicle.
Shen Yuan gets invited to more than just Luo Binghe’s work things, to his surprise. Luo Binghe seems to want to spend time with him outside of dragging Shen Yuan along to his commitments. At first, it’s to rehash their old school days but Luo Binghe has an interest in the Shen Yuan of the present too. He prods him on his family, his job, his hobbies. Shen Yuan tries at first to keep a lid on the fact that he was a huge fan, not wanting to creep Luo Binghe out, but the effort is for nothing.
Early into their friendship, Luo Binghe brings him a stack of photo cards, rough proof for a set that’s going to be released soon. Shen Yuan wills his hands to be less sweaty as he grabs them with a normal amount of enthusiasm, and jokingly tells Luo Binghe he should save these for real fans.
"Aren’t you one?” Luo Binghe frowns as he asks and Shen Yuan starts to sputter. He thought he’d done a good job of hiding it.
“Of course I know you’re a fan,” Luo Binghe tilts his head, answering the unspoken question. “You won the meet and greet. Who else would enter?”
Shen Yuan stares at Luo Binghe. He does have a point. He could try to fob it off to his sister, as he does with many of his problems, but all he can do is laugh sheepishly as Luo Binghe grins and wraps a shoulder around him, shaking him gently.
“As long as you’re my friend too",” Luo Binghe says and Shen Yuan swallows, his heart racing a mile a minute as he tries not to look at the photo card on top of the stack. It’s one of Luo Binghe, dark makeup, black leather and backlit by red, a sharp contrast to the guy with a puppy-like smile on his face. It goes carefully into his album when he gets home and he uses one of Mobei Jun to barter Shang Qinghua into completing his reports for a week.
It feels like a weird dream sometimes, like Shen Yuan has stepped into a story that’s not his. But he finds that he likes hanging out with Luo Binghe. Not just the idol, Luo Binghe, but the real Luo Binghe who seems to have learned how to weaponize a pouting face in order to convince Shen Yuan to go see a late movie with him on a weeknight, or go out drinking enough that Shen Yuan’s hangover threatens to kill him the next morning, or go to an arcade where Shen Yuan dutifully decimates him at every game they try.
Occasionally Luo Binghe will make fun of himself too, of the persona he has to carry as an idol, and of all the strange gossip that always seems to generate around him. There’s a subset of people who absolutely hate both him and his group, and Luo Binghe loves to make fun of him while Shen Yuan vehemently pretends he doesn’t log on at late hours of the night (or during work) and engage in multiple battles defending Luo Binghe’s honour across many fan forums.
Sometimes, Shen Yuan will see himself in the fan sites, his blurry face in a behind-the-scenes video or a secret picture someone snapped from a distance. A couple of people at work catch it but he tells them he has a common face, which seems to work well enough. He thinks. One time a group of fans see them at a restaurant, fighting over who gets the better pieces of barbecue (Shen Yuan keeps insisting it should be Luo Binghe, while Luo Binghe flings it onto Shen Yuan’s plate) and make Shen Yuan take a photo of the group with Luo Binghe. They rope Shen Yuan into the next one and when the photo gains traction online, he’s the subject of many scrutinizing stares at work, even though he’s got a mask in the picture.
All of it, he finds, is a small price to pay for hanging out with Luo Binghe. Especially when he slips and accidentally calls him just Binghe, and Luo Binghe tells him he’s not allowed to call him anything else anymore. It happens backstage at a concert Shen Yuan and his sister get special passes for, and Shen Yuan’s sister wears a large, feline smile the entire subway ride back to her place.
They velcro to each other; Shen Yuan only realizes this once Luo Binghe enters a busy period of time, where he can’t hang around Shen Yuan as much, or text him incessantly.
Shen Yuan knew it was coming— that he had been able to snag so much of Luo Binghe’s time had been a miracle to begin with. But he can’t help but feel just a little forlorn when Luo Binghe starts having to postpone a few of their plans, apologizing profusely and telling Shen Yuan something important related to work has come up. Shen Yuan is already aware why— the fan sites have been speculating the group recording a new album and he knows the manager would never allow Shen Yuan into the recording studio. Shen Yuan always brushes it off coolly, and reasons with himself that the disappointment he feels is a normal amount.
Though, as Luo Binghe becomes less and less available, both in person and through text, Shen Yuan starts to feel strange. There’s another thing that he learns about himself, but it takes him a moment to pinpoint it.
The full understanding hits him at the most benign moment.
It’s been a few weeks since Shen Yuan has seen Luo Binghe in person. Work has kept Luo Binghe away, and their texts have grown sparse in a way that made Shen Yuan’s scalp itch. So when Luo Binghe messages him, asking if he wants to get dinner and drinks, Shen Yuan jumps on the opportunity, canceling his other plans for the evening.
After having snuck out to a hot pot restaurant, strictly against Luo Binghe’s managers orders, Shen Yuan and Luo Binghe find another bar to get absolutely hammered at. It’s not their intention of course; Shen Yuan has work in the morning, and Luo Binghe has an early call for a magazine photoshoot.
But Luo Binghe finally has some time and Shen Yuan has a craving for a specific type of hard liquor, and then they’re falling over each other, red-faced and drunk as they laugh over the most nonsensical things, like the state of the cowlick that Shen Yuan has been losing a battle to for the past week. A few people almost recognise them, but Shen Yuan tells them that it’s his cousin visiting from overseas, and that he gets mistaken for Luo Binghe a lot but he can’t hold a note to save his life.
Luo Binghe helps out by starting to sing so off-key that the crowd immediately disperses, and the two dissolve into drunk laughter so hard that Shen Yuan feels tears brimming his eyes.
It’s happy and it’s pleasant, even when they stagger out in the early hours, unable to walk in a straight line. Luo Binghe’s more drunk than Shen Yuan so Shen Yuan manages to support them both the entire walk home, Luo Binghe’s arm slung around his shoulders as he tries not to fold under his weight.
“You’re the best,” Luo Binghe sing-songs out to no one in particular. “My gege is the best~”
Ah, so maybe it is to someone in particular. Shen Yuan has missed hanging out with Luo Binghe, more than he realized. Warmth blooms in Shen Yuan’s chest as they continue to stumble home. Whose home, neither of them know until they reach the foot of Shen Yuan’s apartment building. Luo Binghe starts to detach himself from Shen Yuan, muttering something about calling a car but Shen Yuan grips his wrist tightly. Luo Binghe pauses, and Shen Yuan starts to feel a little funny. It’s probably the drink, because even with all the fresh air, they haven’t sobered up.
“It’s too late,” Shen Yuan says, the ends of his words touching. Luo Binghe simply stares at him before breaking out into a dazzling grin, one that’s won over millions of people. Shen Yuan doesn’t make a verbal offer, but they’re squeezing into the elevator shortly after anyway.
Shen Yuan doesn’t remember much afterwards. They’re so sloshed that he drops his keys five times before Luo Binghe says to let him do it, and drops it three more times. Eventually when they manage to open the door, they make it to the couch before deciding they’re way too tired.
“It’s big enough for the two of us,” Luo Binghe gestures and Shen Yuan nods. It sounds like a good idea to his alcohol addled brain at the time and of course, it is a decently sized couch. They squeeze onto it, too long for it, feet dangling over the edge as they move and try to slot in comfortably. They end up with Shen Yuan facing outwards, Luo Binghe spooning him from behind. Well not spooning, Shen Yuan tells himself— he’s just thrown his arm over Shen Yuan’s waist.
Shen Yuan grows aware of the weight of it, but thankfully Luo Binghe falls asleep almost immediately, by his gentle snores. Then belatedly he realizes he’s cuddling with Luo Binghe on his couch. If he didn't feel like he was on a roller coaster right now, he would have more of a panic about it. But he’s had so much to drink that his thoughts turn warm and soupy, and he dozes off.
In the middle of the night he wakes up, fractionally more sober. The living room lights are still on and he’d turned in his sleep, burying his face against Luo Binghe’s chest. Shen Yuan blinks and draws back and looks at Luo Binghe’s resting expression. He looks as handsome as ever, as beautiful as carved jade and Shen Yuan’s heart stutters.
He likes him. Shen Yuan likes Luo Binghe, and it is as simple as that. He likes spending time with him, he likes being in his presence, he likes the way that Luo Binghe pathetically clings on to him. Shen Yuan doesn’t just like Luo Binghe the idol, or Luo Binghe the old childhood friend— he likes Luo Binghe as the man he is now. The distance from the past couple of weeks had eaten at him because he’s got a full-blown, definitely embarrassing crush. He would turn over this fact further if he had more wherewithal, but he uses the little that he does have to get up and turn off the living room lights.
Shen Yuan debates going to his own room, and crashing on his bed. It would be the proper thing to do. But then Luo Binghe shifts in his sleep a little and murmurs Shen Yuan’s name, his arm lazily moving on the cushion. And Shen Yuan can’t really imagine saying no to that, so he slots himself back into Luo Binghe’s embrace, nuzzling against his chest and falling asleep to the scent of his sweat and cologne.
This should be okay, he tells himself. Just this much should be enough.
In the morning, Luo Binghe’s already left by the time Shen Yuan’s woken up by his phone alarm. Already having overslept through two other alarms, Shen Yuan flails awake in panic mode and doesn’t have time to mull over his revelation from the night before. Not until he pinwheels into the kitchen and sees a cooled down omelet and a small note from Luo Binghe, signed with a smile and a “Have a good day, gege.”
Shen Yuan smiles despite himself, and tucks the note away before vacuuming the breakfast whole. It’s delicious as always, and he leaves for work shortly after, his hangover waylaid by his light mood. He’s not exactly sure what he’s happy about; him liking someone doesn’t mean the person likes him back. He can’t be rash about this either. But it still makes him feel a little giddy, as much as he conceals it. Shen Yuan thinks he’ll allow himself a day of this, before thinking about what to do.
The feeling lasts all the way till near the end of his day, when his co-worker returns from a meeting from across town with a box of pastries and some news for Shen Yuan.
“Hey,” Shang Qinghua prods. “You didn’t give me the inside scoop!”
“What?” Shen Yuan says, more focused on the contents of the box he’s waving around. As he picks up a custard bun, Shang Qinghua shoves a phone in his face.
Promptly, Shen Yuan drops his bun. He catches it before it hits the ground, and clears his throat, while Shang Qinghua gives him a weird look. Shen Yuan fights for his life putting on a poker face as reality hits him like a particularly violent tetherball. Thankfully, he’s quick at hiding it.
“How the hell would I have information about this?” Shen Yuan snips, and Shang Qinghua rolls his eyes. Shen Yuan tunes him out as he starts to ramble about how he’s relying on Shen Yuan to be the inside scoop, and if he’s heard anything about the other, colder group member. All he can focus on is the headline.
This time, it’s not posed as a speculation. It’s not a question posed as a potential fact. It’s a full-blown, assertive headline posted over a photo of two unfairly attractive people standing close together at a perfume launch from three days ago, declaring that Luo Binghe has found a girlfriend, and they’re all but official.
Shen Yuan stares at the article for a solid five minutes, barely processing a word. Twenty minutes later, it’s plastered all over the internet. Sha Hualing and Luo Binghe haven’t confirmed they’re a thing, but inside sources say they’ve been cozying up a lot lately.
Here’s a picture of them at a restaurant together, Sha Hualing’s head thrown back in a laugh, Luo Binghe’s face partially obscured by the window frame. Here’s the two of them entering the same studio together. Here’s an interview where Sha Hualing winks and tells the television that if she did have a bias, it’d be someone like Luo Binghe.
Shen Yuan’s not sure when Binghe found the time for all of this, but Shen Yuan knows Luo Binghe has a life outside of him. He knows too, that Binghe has been a lot busier lately than normal. Shen Yuan also knows the weird feeling in his chest is not heartburn, but he’s going to pretend that it is. Part of him wants to cling on to the hope that it is just a hoax; that part is quickly extinguished when he takes a screenshot of one of the articles and texts it to Luo Binghe saying, lol you didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend. Luo Binghe’s reply is instant.
We should talk.
Shen Yuan’s stomach sinks to the ground. There’s nothing ever good that follows that specific phrase. His heartburn grows, and he waffles over it for a minute, then ten, then an hour, then the entire evening. He can’t get the article out of his head, or the gossip. Luo Binghe’s cryptic we should talk does not comfort him, nor does the fact that Luo Binghe does not make an effort to text him or call.
He has his own life, Shen Yuan tells himself as he sits at his computer later that night, mindlessly blowing up some people in an online co-op. He has been telling himself this for the past hour. It’s hilarious to him that his has aligned squarely with him finally admitting his feelings to himself; Shen Yuan hasn’t been put in a position of vulnerability like this before, and he can’t say he’s a fan.
It’s not like he can tell Luo Binghe what to do though. He doesn’t really know Sha Hualing past the dark vixen-like persona she fills within her girl group. She must be a perfectly nice girl. And he cannot lie— both her and Luo Binghe would strike quite the picture together.
The thought makes his throat sour, and he loses himself Finally, he manages to text Luo Binghe back, late into the night.
That’s okay. You’re busy.
Shen Yuan mulls over what to do. This was all inevitable; Luo Binghe was attached to him, but only out of some childhood memory. Shen Yuan isn’t delusional enough to think it could be something more, regardless of what his heart wants. That kind of stuff only applied in the raunchy web toons his sister poorly hides her obsession with. Shen Yuan exists squarely in the real world, his opinion of his own emotional intelligence entirely too high.
Everything is too fresh, too raw. Shen Yuan is too reticent to face these things head on, no matter how much he lectures his friends to be more emotionally honest with themselves.
He thinks for now, he’ll need to avoid Luo Binghe.
It’s hard to ignore someone who you’ve spent so much time with. Shen Yuan hadn’t realized how much time they spent attached to each other’s hips till they’re not anymore. His chest clutches and he feels some guilt, but he knows if he spends enough time in Luo Binghe’s presence again, he might start running his mouth in an unintelligent manner, all in the name giving Luo Binghe “advice.”
You need to do this for his sake, Shen Yuan tries to tell himself.
A more part of him says that maybe he should just air out what he feels so that Luo Binghe can break off their friendship cleanly. He’s not sure if that part of him is pragmatic or deranged, so he chooses to ignore him.
It feels strange and awkward giving Luo Binghe a flimsy excuse as to why he can’t hang out. He cites a cold one day, and tells Luo Binghe he’s at his sister’s when Luo Binghe says he can ditch practice and bring him medicine. He’s working late another day, and didn’t sleep enough the next. Luo Binghe is persistent, and Shen Yuan falters each time, but he manages to refuse every time. It’s for the best anyways. If Luo Binghe is getting in a relationship, he doesn’t need his weird old friend with his weird old feelings inadvertently getting in the way.
Turns out, it’s also sort of hard to ignore someone who’s so ubiquitous.
Shen Yuan may not be seeing Luo Binge in person, but he’s definitely seeing him on brightly lit LED billboards, innumerate commercials, and posters plastered across the city. A large magazine releases six editions of its next issue, one with each individual member and one with the group on the cover. Luo Binghe’s issue is so popular that the stores stock extra, and Shen Yuan’s met with his smouldering gaze way more than he’d like to be.
In the cafe near his workplace, he stands behind two school girls giggling over a photo of Luo Binghe as he waits for his latte and watches them zoom in and out on Binghe’s abs. Shen Yuan feels such a strong pang of longing that he leaves without his drink, and stares unblinkingly at his computer for eight hours without doing much else.
It’s silly, but it’s needed. That’s what he keeps telling himself. Gossip sites and tabloids speculate in the meanwhile, and it’s hard to escape the lurid guesses everyone’s making about Sha Hualing and Luo Binghe’s relationship across social media. Shen Yuan tries his best to block as much as he can but unfortunately, it still trickles in from everywhere.
He finds himself thinking about Luo Binghe an inordinate amount of times, and keeps scolding himself. Shen Yuan can’t help that he misses him, but he can practice his discipline though so when Luo Binghe asks him one more time if Shen Yuan is willing to meet, he reads the message but does not reply.
The next day, it’s followed up with an are you mad at me? that tugs at Shen Yuan’s heart strings and makes him want to call Luo Binghe. But that would defeat the purpose of all of this so instead, he simply texts back a ‘no’ and ignores the three times Luo Binghe calls immediately after, each time making the weight in his chest grow heavier.
That’s the last contact they have for five, excruciatingly long weeks. And then one day, a stiff envelope is delivered by hand to Shen Yuan’s door. He takes it, opens it, and sees a single backstage pass for an upcoming concert, one week from now.
There’s a note hastily scrawled and stuck to the pass in recognisable handwriting.
Please.
Shen Yuan’s resolve starts to fissure.
Shen Yuan ends up going.
The pass Luo Binghe gives him sits tucked under his keyboard; he buys his own instead. He tells himself that he’s going to sit in the nosebleeds but he ends up getting something closer, but still seated. It reminds him of when he first watched Luo Binghe live, before he remembered their shared past, before they became friends again. Shen Yuan comes early enough for the opening act. By the time it’s time for Luo Binghe’s group, his palms are sweating and his chest is tight.
As the boys come out, Shen Yuan’s stomach does a flip. Luo Binghe is the size of his index finger from this distance. Shen Yuan wonders if this is the closest he’ll ever get to Luo Binghe again. It may be. The crowd lets out a deafening roar that swallows up Shen Yuan’s thoughts and he gets lost in the flow of the music.
The giant screens make sure to rotate through all the members. The camera seems to love Luo Binghe most, showing his darkly hypnotic face as he sings. It is part way through that Shen Yuan realizes something. Luo Binghe looks more reticent than before. It is not his regular, boy-next-door with a hint of seductive smugness look, nor is it his manufactured brooding. There is a searching look in his eyes and—
—Shen Yuan is falling into the same trap thousands of fans are falling into right now, he tells himself. He must not be the only one harbouring a fantasy that there is melancholy in Luo Binghe’s eyes, that an intense and undefinable emotion has taken over his voice. Luo Binghe cannot be scanning the crowd for anything in particular; he would have already known Shen Yuan did not use his pass.
Luo Binghe is not wearing a private emotion between the two of them. He’s working, as consummate a professional and ever. It has not changed, nor is it revealing anything deeper. Just because Shen Yuan has known him longer, has seen Luo Binghe with his guard down, doesn’t mean that Shen Yuan can actually read Luo Binghe.
Just because Shen Yuan is kindling some sort of flame for Luo Binghe deep within himself, doesn’t mean he has access to his thoughts.
Shen Yuan is in a daze through most of it. He knows all the songs by heart, all the choreography, all the ways the group works the crowd, all the ways they wink and smile and instill themselves into the hearts of their audience. Shen Yuan can’t stop staring at Luo Binghe, at the way he moves, so sure of himself, so commanding.
He is proud. He knows that much. Even if this is all that Shen Yuan will allow himself to have of Luo Binghe, he is proud. It is impressive that the gangly little kid has grown up to be such a handsome man, worshiped by others. The pain in his chest deepens, and he’s in denial of what it means. By the end of the show, Shen Yuan’s face is impossibly stoic, belying the fact that he finds it hard to swallow.
The group comes on for an encore and the crowd screams so loud that the roof threatens to blow off. Luo Binghe stands on the runway, saying something to the crowd about being grateful for their presence. The crowd cheers in return, so loud that Shen Yuan understands. Luo Binghe is truly untouchable, out of Shen Yuan’s reach. Shen Yuan is lucky they had some time together at all.
Before they finish the last song, Shen Yuan has already left.
Unfortunately the pang doesn’t go away, not even when he stops by a drug store for heartburn medication. Shen Yuan still feels the tightness, but he is so steep in his own denial that he still won’t extend any acknowledgement of feelings, even inwardly. He has read many words about yearning, but he never knew what it truly looked like until now, where it threatened to beat down his door.
The walk back to his apartment is an hour. It gives him time to think, time to clear his head in the cold night air. The ringing in his ears from the concert started to subside, but Luo Binghe’s voice still echoes, low and seductive even as they wrapped around the corniest lyrics. Shen Yuan shakes his head and tries to calm his mind thinking about mountains, the cut of Luo Binghe’s silhouette in his rehearsal outfits, old trees, the wide smile Luo Binghe always greets him with, endless blue skies, how the last time they shared a hug, Luo Binghe got so excited he picked Shen Yuan up like he was nothing…
By the time Shen Yuan is rounding the corner approaching his apartment, he’s in no better state than when he left. Hiding a crush that dwarfs all reason has never been harder, and by the time he’s approaching the doors to the lobby, he’s muttering to himself and burning a hole in the ground. Subsequently, he doesn’t watch where he’s going and collides head first into a solid mass.
“Woah,” Shen Yuan stumbles back, looking up. “I’m sorr— Binghe?”
“Shen-ge.”
Even dressed in oversized sweats with his hood up and a mask on, backlit by the soft yellow glow of the lobby, Luo Binghe is still recognizable.
“What are you doing here?” Shen Yuan gawps, and Luo Binghe looks down at him. “Shouldn’t you be getting some rest?”
“You’re avoiding me,” Luo Binghe says, his voice tinged with a rasp. Shen Yuan frowns; Luo Binghe’s got a strict post-concert vocal care routine that he rarely strays from. He must have come immediately after the show; Shen Yuan checks his phone on the sly, and sees a handful of missed calls.
“I’m not avoiding you,” Shen Yuan lies poorly. It does nothing to deter Luo Binghe’s dark gaze and when Shen Yuan looks closer, he sees the other man’s eyes are rimmed red.
Shen Yuan has managed to stay strong for all these weeks. He reasons that inviting Luo Binghe up to this apartment is not breaking his resolve; instead, it’s simply giving Luo Binghe the conversation he deserves before letting him go. That his chest pain increases at the sight of Luo Binghe sitting forlornly on his couch is only because the pharmacy didn’t stock the right kind of medicine.
He manages to putter around for ten whole minutes, offering Luo Binghe ramen, water, tea, anything. Luo Binghe shakes his head, focused on getting his answer. Shen Yuan’s heart rate is through the roof-- he didn’t expect Luo Binghe to come all the way here. He’s surprised Binghe’s manager hasn’t called either of them fifty times by now; though with how eerily silent Luo Binghe’s phone is, he has a suspicion it’s been turned off.
Finally, Shen Yuan can’t dance around it any longer. He clears his throat three times before he finally speaks.
“I haven’t been avoiding you,” Shen Yuan says to Luo Binghe and Luo Binghe continues to stare ahead at the television with great focus, as if it was on. “I’ve just been giving you space.”
“Why?” Luo Binghe’s voice is soft. “I’ve always had room for you in my life.”
“Well,” Shen Yuan replies weakly, fiddling with his thumbs. “You have a girlfriend now.”
A pregnant pause passes, before Luo Binghe finally looks up at him. The sight of it winds Shen Yuan. It’s always easy to see how Luo Binghe’s gained so many ardent fans, but Shen Yuan would have no chance if others ever see the quiet earnestness Luo Binghe levels him with. Even though Luo Binghe looks tired without the concert makeup, Shen Yuan is still entranced.
“...Is that it?”
Shen Yuan blinks. “What do you mean?”
“Are you avoiding me because I have a girlfriend?”
“Uh…” Though expected, Shen Yuan is still unprepared for the question. He scratches the side of his head. He rehearsed an answer for this but it still feels awkward spilling out of his mouth. “A grown man in a relationship needs his space. He can’t be hanging off the arm of his old tutor all the time.”
“No one else stopped trying to hang out with me,” Luo Binghe frowns at that. “Not that they mattered as much as you.”
“See!” Shen Yuan sees the kernel on which he can tack his reason onto, and tries to grab it immediately. “You can’t talk like that when you have a girlfriend.”
Unfortunately, Luo Binghe immediately jumps to the one question Shen Yuan was praying he wouldn’t ask.
“Why would having a girlfriend stop you from wanting to see me?”
Shen Yuan is a great liar. There’s not many questions he can’t fob off easily. Unfortunately, Luo Binghe seems to have found one of the exceptions. Shen Yuan tries to sputter out an excuse but none comes, not when Luo Binghe looks at him so intently.
… too intently.
“Sha Hualing needed a certain type of publicity,” Luo Binghe starts, voice and words both measured. “And we share the same label. We were never anything. All of it was manufactured by our publicists.”
“Oh.”
“It was just a couple of dinners,” Luo Binghe said. “That’s what I wanted to tell you in person. I wanted to explain to you beforehand.”
There’s a lot Shen Yuan wants to say. At the same time, he wants the sofa to swallow him whole, somehow. He feels a furious red start to creep up the back of his neck, and his ears heat with the realization. It’s not that he made the mistake to begin with. It’s the fact that he acted like a jilted lover afterwards, trying to put distance between them.
He knows it now. And he doesn’t doubt Luo Binghe knows it either. Shen Yuan swallows, and swears they weren’t sitting so close together at first.
“Isn’t your manager looking for you?” Shen Yuan weakly deflects, and Luo Binghe levels him with a staggering amount of certainty.
It is, Shen Yuan realizes a fraction too late, a look that Luo Binghe has always given him.
“It’s not her I want to be with,” Luo Binghe says, ignoring Shen Yuan. “It’s you. It’s always been you.”
Time grinds to a halt as Shen Yuan’s brain fritzes out. He stares at Luo Binghe without blinking for a long, long moment as the words process through his head in slow motion.
Say something, idiot. Shen Yuan’s at a total loss for words. If he was a little stupider, he’d ask Luo Binghe to repeat himself. But he heard him, loud and clear in his empty apartment. Shen Yuan is glad that his face is naturally impassive because his brain is currently whirring so fast, he’s surprised smoke isn’t coming out of his ears.
“I understand,” Luo Binghe says finally. Shen Yuan realizes that while he’s experienced the entire spectrum of human emotion in the span of two minutes, he hasn’t actually said anything. Luo Binghe’s eyes gleam wetly and he blinks, a single, well-formed tear rolling down his cheekbone.
Oh shit.
“Stop—” Shen Yuan grimaces, which only results in Luo Binghe blinking out more tears. “Stop crying.”
Luo Binghe sniffs, but doesn’t avert his gaze. Shen Yuan’s still scrambling, still trying to kick his brain into some action, any action at all. At that point, Luo Binghe’s words finally, finally make it through Shen Yuan’s skull and he jumps onto the first action he can think of.
To everyone’s surprise, including his own, it’s leaning forward and pressing a firm kiss against Luo Binghe’s trembling mouth. Immediately, Luo Binghe freezes against him. After an awkward ten seconds of no movement, Shen Yuan pulls back.
“Sorry,” he says hastily, wiping the back of his mouth. What the hell was he thinking?! “I shouldn’t have—”
Before he can finish his sentence, he finds himself swept up in another kiss, Luo Binghe pushing forward till Shen Yuan’s wrapped tightly within his arms. Shen Yuan makes a surprised sound but it’s swallowed up by the insistent press of Luo Binghe’s mouth.
“Binghe,” Shen Yuan tries in, words muffled the moment he pulls away, Luo Binghe chasing him. “Binghe!”
They finally break apart. Shen Yuan notices that Luo Binghe’s tears have all but vanished, though his eyes are still an alluring shade of red.
“Sorry,” Luo Binghe is entirely unapologetic. One of his hands is sliding down Shen Yuan’s back, and Shen Yuan is about to chastise him. Unfortunately, he’s a lot more prone to giving in to Luo Binghe’s pleading eyes than he lets on and instead of having a talk, like he intends to, he finds himself on his back two minutes later, pressed into the cushions as they continue to make out.
Well.
There will be time to talk later, Shen Yuan thinks faintly to himself as he tilts his head, his reason slipping away and getting replaced with something altogether. His next coherent sentence is telling Luo Binghe to stop biting. It’s his last one because shortly after, Luo Binghe gently sucks on his lower lip to soothe it before sliding his tongue in.
Surprisingly, Shen Yuan has no crisis about Luo Binghe liking him back though he’s not given much space to think, not with the insistent way Luo Binghe pins him down. Even later, in the bedroom, Shen Yuan’s too occupied and overwhelmed by other things to think of it and by the time they finally collapse for the night, he’s way too tired to process a single thought.
The next morning over a breakfast that Luo Binghe insists on making, Luo Binghe shows Shen Yuan his text history with Sha Hualing.
Shen Yuan really wishes he didn’t because it’s just Luo Binghe waxing on about Shen Yuan, and Sha Hualing calling him gross. Shen Yuan points out that she might have a point and Luo Binghe pouts his way into another series of kisses. They’re bracketed by Shen Yuan’s ungainly laughter, which just seems to make Luo Binghe kiss him harder.
Eventually, Luo Binghe’s manager calls. Luo Binghe puts the phone on speaker and mutes his own mic just so that he can get handsy again, though Shen Yuan’s not really sure the person on the other end lecturing endlessly about responsibility and not skipping out on meet and greets and what not sets the mood. But eventually the call’s disconnected and they fall into a comfortable lull, back on the couch where they started.
And as the last surprise, Shen Yuan’s strange chest pain has all but disappeared.