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It shouldn’t have affected him as much as it did. As he sat at his desk, blade in hand, he watched the blood trail down his thighs through his blurry vision. The dark red slowly trickled down, pooling between his legs.
Although he spoke about the situation humorously, it had impacted him in a way nobody could see. His self-esteem had plummeted further than usual. Bach knew it wasn’t a personal offence, but he couldn’t help the way his mind perceived it.
He felt stupid, discarded, and started questioning whether or not he was ever funny, and maybe the people were just laughing AT him rather than along WITH him.
The sting of the cuts trailing down his upper thigh snuffed out the doubts in his mind, proving as a distraction as well as a reminder.
Before starting YouTube, he was aware of his unhealthy attachments to these internet influencers, but he also knew he was different. He knew he could be like them, he knew he was good enough for them.
As a young teenager, he rarely left his room, only sharing one-sided connections with his favourite YouTubers.
He spent the years after this attempting to make his way up in the YouTube world, his initial motivation following him through his journey.
Despite his levels of denial, he had grown quite parasocial to these people, who had no idea of his existence.
This is why, when he finally made it, it was world-shattering to see the sidemen blatantly discouraging him. It was as if his whole life view was crumbling in front of him, and regardless of how much it hurt him, he couldn’t bear to turn it off.
It was pathetic, to cut himself over a fucking youtube video, but it felt inevitable to him. The urges ran deep within him, his blood filling with frustration, scratching to be let out.
It was a relief when he finally found the time to press the blade against his skin. It had been years, and realistically he was just waiting for something to set him off.
The nostalgic feeling of the dark warm liquid forming beads along his legs, before overflowing, was almost more comforting than concerning at the moment.
After cleaning up, he crawled into bed and curled up beneath the cold covers, curling into himself. He found himself resting his hand on the now scabbed-over cuts as a way of reassurance, knowing he had finally returned to his rightful mental state.