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Yuuta’s lost.
He blinks down at his phone and then up and around him, tries to resist the urge to just give up and go home, attempt to find the university bookstore another day. He’d done so good getting here. The metro station, despite being named after the university, was actually three blocks up and he’d almost gotten lost right after exiting the station but he didn’t.
He squints again at his phone, zooming in and out arbitrarily on the map with fingers that are increasingly getting colder.
It’s been overwhelming, moving to Tokyo. He’d had trouble navigating the seemingly endless number of train lines, finding the rental office to get the keys for the apartment he was renting, then finding his way to the actual apartment– and then he’d gotten a notification that the low bed frame and mattress he’d ordered weren’t getting delivered that evening as planned. The bedframe ended up getting delivered the next day but not the mattress. The salespeople were very apologetic and explained that it was backordered and would be a day late, then two, then three, and at this point he has been sleeping on a nest of sweaters and winter jackets and blankets for almost a week.
Which was fine, it’s all fine, it’s just that now he is lost at the university he transferred to and he has no friends and no connections in Tokyo to help him, also no mattress, and it’s a surprisingly freezing March day and he just needs the bookstore before the semester starts and yet–
Yuuta tugs his headphones off his ears. The air is biting and he shivers, but maybe the music was distracting him and he can focus on directions better without the sound. Okay, so, maybe the bookstore is…to his left.
He spins to his left and finds a brick wall about twenty paces away, cold and unforgiving, and very much not a bookstore. He winces. Maybe not. Maybe behind the building in front of him? The bookstore is not that building, the signage says different, but it might be behind it.
He looks around again but there’s still not anyone to ask. The campus is mostly dead in the break between terms and, although there had been a few people around at first, Yuuta had been pretty sure he knew where he was going and didn’t bother to ask anyone. Of course now that he’s unsure there is no one to ask.
He tucks his hands into his pockets to warm them and stares at the sky morosely, which is when he hears quick footsteps behind him, someone rushing in the cold. Yuuta turns as fast as he can, accidentally stepping forward more than he means to in his haste to make sure the person doesn’t run past before he can catch their eye. In doing so he gently collides with said person. Mostly gently.
They rock back on their heels and Yuuta reaches instant hands out, holding onto their upper arms and tugging them back to standing, and also very very close to him.
Dark almost purple eyes blink up at him slowly from underneath long silver-white fringe. The guy’s face is half covered by his coat collar but, even despite that, Yuuta can see that this guy is very good looking. Yuuta would literally smack into probably the most attractive guy he’s seen since he moved to Tokyo. Of course he would. The guy flicks his head a little, so his hair is out of his eyes, and continues to look up at Yuuta without speaking. Yuuta feels absolutely gigantic suddenly, even though he can’t be more than 10 or 15 cm taller than this guy.
“Oh, sorry, I’m so sorry,” Yuuta realizes he’s still holding the guy and releases him quickly, takes a step backwards to put space between them, “I’m really sorry. I’m just glad someone else is here. I’m lost and I couldn’t find anyone to ask and–”
Yuuta stutters to a stop as the guy continues to look at him quietly. He tries to smile and is pretty sure it comes off a bit weird because the guy seems somewhat taken aback by it, his eyes flicking to Yuuta’s mouth and then back to his eyes and then darting around his face.
“Do you know where the bookstore is?” Yuuta asks, hoping he can maybe redirect this conversation and make a passable impression on this person– or continue with his terrible impression even, but at least find the bookstore and then he can deal with his embarrassment somewhere with heating. “I’m new here and really turned around.”
The guy tilts his head and the loose collar of his coat folds and Yuuta can see the line of his jaw and the curve of his mouth. This guy is, like, really pretty. Really really pretty. Yuuta blinks hard to try to clear his thoughts, brain just going wow pretty wow on repeat.
The guy doesn’t break eye contact with Yuuta as he slowly reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out his…phone? His phone. He drops his gaze to it and starts to type, frowns slightly, lifts his hand to his mouth and pulls off one of his gloves with his teeth, Yuuta is having an out of body experience, and then starts to type again.
Yuuta blanches. Oh. He’s being ignored. That’s…cool. No, that’s cool, Yuuta’s, like, used to that and stuff. Okay, sure.
“Sorry.” He mumbles and the guy’s eyes snap back up to him but Yuuta’s already stepping back and turning away. He really doesn’t want to see what kind of face this guy is making at him. He takes another huge step, putting his headphones back over his ears. He’s not running, but it’s close. That’s fine. It’s fine. He rounds a corner and then another. He’s not running. He is just going home to his empty apartment and his empty bed frame and he is going to stare at the ceiling until he gathers the energy to go get some convenience store oden and then he’s going to sink into the bath for about an hour and pretend today never happened.
It’s fine.
He’s definitely not running.
Exactly two weeks later, vaguely well rested because he does have a mattress now, Yuuta is headed back to campus for the umpteenth time, having found the bookstore and preemptively looked for some of his lecture halls so he doesn’t end up lost or late to something important. He thought he was dressed appropriately, but it’s one of those weird days where it seemed almost warm and then the wind blows really hard and Yuutu wishes so bad that he had a scarf or thicker jacket, which is why he decided to take the metro and not walk the last leg of his journey.
There’s a takoyaki stand between the station and his corner of campus and, as he climbs the staircase and exits into the crisp coldness of the day, he’s thinking he really wants to stop and eat some. It would be nice; it would warm him up. He hesitates though because every time he passes the stand everyone is there with friends and he doesn’t have anyone to eat with. He feels uniquely alone lately, considering how many people are around him at any given time in downtown Tokyo. It makes him feel maybe just a little tired, maybe just a little like moving here was a bad idea.
Maybe he’ll get takoyaki later.
He lifts his gaze as he’s about to cross the street and finds the guy from before, from that disastrous bookstore hunt, looking right at him, takoyaki halfway to his open mouth like he’s frozen. He stares at Yuuta and Yuuta stares right back. The guy is with two friends, who seem to notice that he’s stopped eating or talking or whatever and follow his gaze, and then all three of them are staring at Yuuta.
The guy still hasn’t closed his mouth.
Yuuta feels a sort of primal fear as the girl sitting next to him looks at Yuuta, then at her friend, then back at Yuuta with extremely narrowed eyes that he can see even from across the road.
Yuuta, respectfully, cannot deal with this right now. Maybe ever. He turns on his heel to hightail it out of there. He’ll find a convenience store and grab something and eat it under the alcove of his lecture hall and maybe get a can of hot coffee from the vending machine and maybe never take the metro again, just in case that guy and his friends also take the metro. A plan.
He makes it about a block before there’s the clattering sound of someone running behind him and then something grabs onto the back of his jacket and tugs. He stops abruptly– which causes said someone to skid into his back with a loud exhale.
Oh god, Yuuta manages to think weakly.
He turns around as the person drops their hold on his coat and finds, not exactly surprisingly and yet very surprisingly, the really attractive guy standing there.
The guy is in a slightly different coat today, still looks unfairly pretty, has freckles dotted across his face like he drew them on there and he did if the little star by his eye is anything to go by, and a face mask tucked under his chin. He is also looking intently at Yuuta and he looks sorta pissed. He’s definitely pissed. At Yuuta? Why am I getting glared at, Yuuta wonders vaguely, that’s so unfair. He barely has time to sort through or follow these thoughts around his brain before his attention is diverted by the guy stomping his foot, as though expressing his displeasure with Yuuta.
Yuuta stares.
The guy gets out his phone again.
“What– why are you–” It’s almost a sentence.
The guy holds a finger up at Yuuta and it’s gently menacing, the way he waves it in Yuuta’s face, the way his eyes say stay still without him having to say anything at all. When he seems certain Yuuta isn’t going to move, he redirects his attention to his phone and types furiously. Yuuta vaguely notices his thin gold rings, the fact that a few of the guy’s nails are painted black, scraped up like he uses his hands a lot and hadn’t bothered to repaint them.
Then the guy shoves his phone in Yuuta’s face.
Yuuta goes a little cross-eyed trying to see it. He puts his hand on the guy’s wrist to steady the phone and pull it away from his face so he can actually see whatever he is being shown. Yuuta realizes, once his fingers connect around the guy's slim wrist, overlapping a little, that touching him like this is pretty forward of Yuuta– but also this dude is shoving a phone in his face, so maybe it’s fine.
The phone is open to the notes app and says:
i’m mute. i literally can’t talk pretty much at all. stop running away from me, asshole. why are you so freaky fast?
“Uh.” Yuuta says.
The guy twists his wrist out of Yuuta’s hand easily and clacks away at his phone for a second, holding it out to Yuuta when he’s done.
did you find the bookstore? what’s your name?
“Oh.” Yuuta blinks. “Yeah, I–”
“Inumaki–” Someone shouts and sort of crashes into the guy, bumping him toward Yuuta. The girl from before follows him, looking pissed off, carrying two bags and two trays of takoyaki. “Hello.” The first person says, staring at Yuuta with wide eyes. Yuuta is relatively tall so he’s surprised by just how much he has to look up to meet this guy’s eyes. “I’m Panda, who are you?”
“Uh.” Yuuta says again, really hammering home his eloquence. He’s so glad he’s acing an interaction with this man yet again, and now also with said man’s friends, and also did this guy just say his name was Panda?
“Yeah, who are you?” The girl says, staring at him suspiciously. She hands off both takoyaki trays to– Panda? Yuuta’s going to have to double check that. Then she hands one of the bags she’s holding to the pretty guy, who slings the strap over his head and settles the bag across his chest without breaking his intense gaze on Yuuta.
She steps kinda between them into the guy’s sightline and signs something. He sighs, tucks his phone under his elbow, changes his mind and hands it to Yuuta who blinks at him in surprise as he takes it, and then turns back and responds in kind. She signs a bit furiously at– possibly, probably, Inumaki? That was what Panda (?) had said, right? Probably-Inumaki signs something back and it seems very sassy. The response is instantaneous— she gasps and Panda makes a sort of ooooo face before he smiles at Yuuta over their heads as the two of them start going back and forth at each other rapidly.
“I’m okay at JSL,” he says, “but I can’t keep up when they get like this, you know? Maki has known Toge,” he gestures at the guy so, okay, maybe Toge is his given name?, “since they were kids, and her cousin is deaf, so she’s really good.”
Maki signs something and Yuuta, Panda, and Maki all watch as the guy simply closes his eyes.
“Don’t close your eyes.” She snaps. “You can hear me and so help me God, you know I will repeat myself verbally.”
He opens one eye and squints at her for a second.
Yuuta is still holding the guy’s phone.
“Um,” He says and they both turn to look at him. He’s not particularly good at JSL, but when he was in high school he took a class at the community center and remembers how to sign a few things including I can speak sign and there’s absolutely no reason to do what he is about to do. He tucks the guy's phone under his elbow.
I speak sign, he tries, just to see if he remembers right and both of their eyes go comically wide. “Oh not– not really.” Yuuta says flustered, immediately worried about the lie. “Just a little bit, like— sorry. I didn’t understand what you were saying.” He feels his face burn and nearly drops the phone he’s holding, grabs it, holds it back out to the guy who doesn’t take it, just keeps looking at Yuuta.
“Huh.” Maki says and holds out her hand behind her. Panda hands Maki one tray of takoyaki. “Okay, interesting, apparently you were right.” This she says to Inumaki— Toge?, Yuuta thinks, putting various names together. Probably. Right about what?
The guy is still just looking at Yuuta, head tilted and Yuuta watches as he chews on his lower lip for a second before releasing it from between his teeth, pink and slightly wet. He’s unfairly pretty, Yuuta thinks again, like his brain is saying just as an aside please continue to note this.
Probably-Inumaki looks at him and smiles, steps forward, and then taps on his phone screen, like he wants Yuuta to look at it again.
Yuuta looks down at the dark screen.
“Um.” He says, tilting it to show that he can’t see.
Probably-Inumaki sighs, leans over Yuuta’s hands, and opens the phone— Yuuta closing his eyes tight when he realizes probably-Inumaki is just typing in his passcode like it’s no big deal. He reopens them after a few seconds of silence to see the guy grinning up at him and pointing at the second question on the screen–
What’s your name?
“Oh,” he says, startled, “I’m Okkotsu. Okkotsu Yuuta.”
I-nu-ma-ki To-ge, Inumaki signs very slowly. Yuuta follows the letters and is unreasonably glad his mom signed him up for that class, even if she was just trying to get him to make friends. The making friends part hadn’t worked out but it feels like it was all bizarrely worth it for this moment.
“Inumaki Toge.” Yuuta says, his earlier guess confirmed, and the guy– Inumaki Toge– beams at him. It makes Yuuta feel like he’s bought a fukubukuro and opened it to find that, instead of products, it’s just filled to the brim with 10,000 yen notes.
He smiles back.
Inumaki takes his phone back and tucks it into his loose open pocket, takes the tray of takoyaki from Panda, skewers one with a toothpick, and then offers it up to Yuuta with big eyes and a slightly parted lips like he’s saying say ahhhh.
“Oh,” Yuuta says, “um, okay, thank you.” He feels like he’s slightly lost the plot of, like, his life but that’s fine. Sure. Maybe he’s having a fever dream. He did sleep on a cold hard floor for his whole first week in Tokyo so it’s possible. Some sort of delayed reaction.
The takoyaki is hot, almost burns his tongue, but it’s amazingly delicious. “Oh my god.” Yuuta mutters, staring at Inumaki who smiles and nods like he fully understands.
“The takoyaki stand is, like, really good and also cheap.” Panda says, snagging one from Maki’s tray with a toothpick. “I would say we should sit down but, sadly, you ran the opposite way to all the benches.”
Toge hands Yuuta the tray, pulls his phone out and pulls up an app, taps some buttons, and holds the phone up, points at Yuuta as it says in a little robotic voice,
Freaky fast.
He’s grinning though, so Yuuta figures it’s okay.
“Come on,” Maki says and starts to walk back the way they came, until all four of them are huddled on one of the empty benches by the stand and Yuuta is, for some reason, sharing a tray of takoyaki with Inumaki. He listens to all of them chatter, sometimes signing, Inumaki balancing his phone on his knee and really quick with the app and quick witted and Yuuta is dreadfully confused about what is happening and why he is being included and also having a really nice time. Maybe for the first time since he got here.
He takes a deep breath.
Inumaki nudges him and gives him a little grin and Yuuta finds himself smiling back.
When they’re done and Yuuta is realizing he might be late to lecture if he doesn’t book it pretty much immediately, Inumaki pulls up his mask, zips his collar up almost to his nose, and pokes at his phone for a second before holding it out to Yuuta, head tilted and eyes questioning.
It’s open to add a new contact.
Yuuta, hands shaking, types his name and the reading and then his phone number and LINE ID and hands it back to Inumaki, feeling vaguely overheated despite the chill in the air. He can tell Inumaki is smiling when he takes the phone back by the crinkle to the corner of his eyes. He gives Yuuta a thumbs up and texts him immediately with a cat emoji, then the characters for his name and the reading again, as if Yuuta will forget. Yuuta saves the number. Inumaki gives him another thumbs up.
Yuuta is late to his lecture but he hasn’t felt this warm in months, so he figures that’s a win.
He gets a message that night.
[inumaki]
yo
[okkotsu]
hello
[inumaki]
why r u so freaky fast btw?????
Yuuta snorts.
[okkotsu]
i don’t know that i am ?
[inumaki]
idk im gay and gay people are fast walkers notoriously
and i barely caught u
Yuuta stares at his ceiling and blinks rapidly. He’s surprised that Inumaki would lead with the fact that he is gay, but he’s also sort of glad. He thinks Tokyo is maybe more accepting than the small town he grew up in, but it’s still not really accepted. He would be nervous to tell someone he’s gay. He still is nervous, even though Inumaki said it first, apparently not caring what sort of reaction it gets. Or maybe to find out what reaction it gets, to get it out of the way.
Yuuta’s palms are slightly sweaty so he wipes them off and responds before he overthinks it.
[okkotsu]
guess i’m gayer than you?
There’s a split second and then he immediately regrets sending that. He stares at his phone in slow growing horror. He does not know Inumaki like that. That is— is that even an appropriate joke? Is he implying a scale of gayness wherein one can be too gay or not gay enough or less gay than another person? Is that offensive?
A separate message pings into his phone and he navigates to it numbly and finds himself– in a group chat? With three numbers, only one of which is already saved in his phone.
[inumaki]
okkotsu says hes gayer than me :(
[080-1233-xxxx]
lmaoooooo the way ur pride is so hurt rn
okkotsu, this is panda btw
[080-1233-xxxx]
maybe he is
u only met him today u don’t know him
okkotsu, i believe in u
u can outgay toge, have faith
[inumaki]
:(((((((((((((
maki i can’t be outgayed ur so rude
Yuuta doesn’t even know what to say to any of that. Inumaki returns to their chat.
[inumaki]
ur rude i like u
now u have everyone’s number
Yuuta returns to the group chat and saves the two numbers with the appropriate names as his phone continues to buzz with messages from Inumaki. He returns to their chat.
[inumaki]
dont worry
i know they seem scary but they’re chill
one time maki beat a guy up for being rude to me
and now she’s on ur side probably
ur protected forever
unless ur rude to me i guess
like really rude tho like make me cry
dont do that tho lol
rly plz dont
Yuuta is still just, like, staring. Long enough without replying apparently, that he gets a follow up text.
[inumaki]
sorry, did i upset u
He starts and fumbles with his phone.
[okkotsu]
no, sorry, i just am
not used to having friends?
He winces immediately after sending that.
[okkotsu]
that sounds very strange and pathetic
i mean like
in group chat type situations
i have never been in a group chat
[inumaki]
is that why u type so formal
[okkotsu]
i type formal?
His phone buzzes again.
[panda has changed the chat name to: gay battle royale, winner: OKKOTSU]
[panda]
ive decided
proud of u okkotsu
[maki-san]
hard-won battle
congrats okkotsu
[inumaki]
RUDE
genuinely i need better friends
[okkotsu]
i didn’t mean to insult inumaki’s pride
but also thank you for the honor
He figures that’s, like, good, right? Is that how people talk to their friends? He rolls over on his mattress and hangs off the side, partially on the floor, holding his phone above his head.
[maki-san]
no no
feel free to insult his pride
or him
[panda]
yeah absolutely go for it
toge roast time
[maki-san]
one time toge cried bc i accidentally killed a cactus
idid not KNOW u couldn’t water them like that
[panda]
one time toge cried bc i didnt know what a
sacabambaspis (sp?) was
[inumaki]
crying is not something to roast someone abt
ur both victims of ur own mindsets
GENUINELY i need better friends
Yuuta’s phone has never, in his entire life, buzzed this much. It’s probably going to overheat. He rolls onto his stomach.
Inumaki texts him privately again.
[inumaki]
theres only the two of us so i can’t
but if i could name our chat i would call it besties <3
ur my only friend now
also yeah a lil formal but its cute
Yuuta’s face burns and he cautions himself sternly that Inumaki has said the way he types is cute, not him.
[okkotsu]
why would our chat be besties?
aren’t i the reason you’re upset with your friends?
[inumaki]
*ur *ur
[okkotsu]
i see now why they said i should insult away
[inumaki]
if i could name our chat i would call it former besties :(
[okkotsu]
:(
[inumaki]
how old r u btw r u in my yr
am i ur senpai
u should call me senpai
[okkotsu]
i’m 21
i transferred, i’m starting my third year
[inumaki]
i regret to inform u & me that u cant call me senpai
also 21
also starting my third yr
literally so sad
crying rn
[okkotsu]
sorry to disappoint
[inumaki]
uve been anything but disappointing
Yuuta doesn’t know what to say to that. He can feel his face grow hot and squirms on his bed a little bit, eventually throwing himself to an upright position, cross-legged, leaning his cheek against his wall. It’s cool on his overheated face. He doesn’t know what to say.
[okkotsu]
i dont know what to say to that
[inumaki]
u could say thank u inumaki-kun
Yuuta laughs softly, surprising himself. Dutifully he types out–
[okkotsu]
thank u inumaki-kun
[inumaki]
ur so welcome
wanna get lunch tomorrow
Yuuta does. He, like, really does. With an intensity that sort of startles him. He thinks for a second and then switches over to the group chat.
[okkotsu]
one time inumaki cried
bc he found out we were the same age / year
so he’s not my senpai
and he wanted me to call him senpai :(
[panda]
LMAO
[maki-san]
toge u need therapy
[inumaki]
okkotsu im sooooooooo betrayed rn
im retracting my lunch invitation
[okkotsu]
:(
And then his phone buzzes again and Yuuta switches over to their private conversation with his heart beating unnecessarily fast.
[inumaki]
see?
Yuuta does not, in fact, see.
[okkotsu]
?
[inumaki]
anything but disappointing
Yuuta’s face heats up again and he puts the phone down on his bed and his face into his hands and does a silent little ahhhh and then remembers the anxiety breathing his therapist taught him and tries that even though the feeling under his skin is not actually anxiety. His phone buzzes against his knee, once, twice, three, then four times. Inumaki is apparently incapable of texting only once. Yuuta’s horribly endeared by it.
[inumaki]
so what time r u free to get lunch
u wanna go to saizeriya
theres one right by campus
unless u hate saizeriya????
[okkotsu]
no, that’s fine
would 1pm work?
is that too late?
[inumaki]
!!!!!!!!
👍👍👍
((inumaki has sent a pin))
this one okay don’t get lost lostboy
text me when ur on the way!
🌙✨ sweet dreams okkotsu-kun ✨🌙
[okkotsu]
sleep well🌙
Yuuta stares blankly at his phone for a few more minutes and debates if he should add some more emojis before deciding that maybe he’s done enough for tonight. He locks his phone, plugs it in, paces his room for a bit and then flops back on his bed, rummaging off the side of it for his laptop.
He first researches what a sacabambaspis is and then spends the next three and a half hours following along with a JSL 101 course online, trying to remember as much as he possibly can and maybe learn some more. He jerks back to himself somewhere around 2am and stares blankly at the clock until he fully conceptualizes the time.
Thankful that he took a bath earlier, he closes his laptop, checks that his alarm is on, turns the heater on to energy saver, jabs at the remote to turn off his lights, rolls himself up in his blankets, and passes out.
He does sleep well, for the first time in a while and, though he doesn’t remember his dreams, he thinks that they were sweet.
He makes it to lunch unscathed after his mid-morning lecture the next day and finds Inumaki easily. His silver hair is almost tinged purple in these lights, standing out from a distance. Inumaki beams when he sees Yuuta and waves a bunch, lifting out of his seat like he needs to get Yuuta’s attention and Yuuta isn’t already headed his way.
Yuuta notes, as he slides onto the bench opposite Inumaki, that it’s the first time he has seen Inumaki without a coat on. He’s wearing a giant white long sleeved t-shirt with a very loose neckline, his silver hair is messy and has a few clips in it, he’s got on a thin silver chain in addition to the thin rings from before, and he’s repainted two of his nails on his left hand to sapphire blue and left the black ones on the other. Yuuta’s brain starts doing the inumkai is pretty broken record thing again.
“Hi,” he tells Inumaki, who is still beaming at him, “I didn’t even get lost.”
Inumaki claps very politely.
i got the drink bar do it do it it’s only 350 yen and they have all the sodas and also tea and coffee. Inumaki types on his phone and shows it to Yuuta who laughs and nods.
It’s while they’re sipping on iced coffee for Yuuta and apple tea for Inumaki and choosing their food, making idle conversation with Inumaki’s phone tossed between the two of them, that Yuuta realizes that he feels relaxed. Comfortable. It surprises him, actually, how relaxed he feels. He hasn’t been good at making friends since he was a kid, not after what happened with Rika. It was hard not to blame himself, even after a thousand explanations that it wasn’t his fault, and he had sort of continued to feel like people would get hurt if they were friends with him. He was always slightly on edge, one too many panic attacks at school leading to even the nicest kids in his class starting to back away. But he doesn’t feel on edge right now, sitting here and talking with Inumaki. It feels easy.
Yuuta explains how long he’s been in Tokyo, the small town he came from, and the thing with his mattress not getting delivered, which receives a flurry of mad emojis. He learns that Inumaki is from Yokohama and Inumaki offers to show Yuuta around if he would like because he knows the best restaurants. They talk about Chinatown and other things in Yokohama, and then places in Tokyo that Yuuta wants to visit. They order food. Inumaki asks if he watches mukbang videos and Yuuta asks what’s a mukbang video, and then Inumaki suddenly makes a face like he forgot something and types quickly on his phone, scooting it across the table to Yuuta.
do you prefer i use the app that talks aloud?
“Huh?” Yuuta says, staring at the phone and then blinking up at Inumaki. “No? I don’t– whatever you like better? If you prefer that one then sure but…” He trails off. It’s silly to say because it’s not like he even knows Inumaki that well or has spent that that much time with him, but Yuuta’s sort of come to associate him with the rapid taps of his fingers on his phone, the flash of his rings and nail polish, the way he tilts his head in the edges of Yuuta’s vision while Yuuta reads.
Inumaki shakes his head a few times and taps at his phone.
i literally can’t find a voice i like on it. like i use it and it’s good and cool and helpful, but none of them sound right. for a while i had it talk like hatsune miku but then maki got mad at me because it started finishing every sentence with oniichan,,, it wasn’t even my fault :(
“How was that not your fault?” Yuuta asks, frowning as he looks up at Inumaki. This is met with an astonished pout. “What?” Yuuta says, flustered. “I mean, from what I could tell, you type what you want it to say into the app and it says it, right? It’s not, like, sentient AI so like– didn’t you do that yourself? Also, Hatsune Miku doesn’t even say oniichan as, like, a thing.”
Inumaki frowns at him and pulls his phone back to his face, tapping for a moment.
Definitely not my fault, oniichan. Hatsune Miku says.
Yuuta stares at him, as do a few other diners, although maybe they are staring at Yuuta. Inumaki smiles beatifically at him, fluttering his eyelashes.
Oniichan, Hatsune Miku repeats, at a slightly louder volume with a tap of Inumaki’s finger.
“I think I actually prefer when you type.” Yuuta says, face burning, as he sinks down on his bench and the waitress delivering their food acts very valiantly like she definitely didn’t hear that.
Are you sure, oniichan? Hatsune Miku asks him.
“Oh my god.” Yuuta says.
Inumaki laughs, this little staccato breathy thing that Yuuta can unfortunately tell is going to become one of his most favorite sounds in the world, and he will probably do anything to hear it as often as he can.
Okay, okay. I’m done, swear. Inumaki closes the app, returning to his notes tab and showing Yuuta the phone, seemingly aggressively pleased with himself.
“Somehow I doubt that.” Yuuta mumbles, stabs at his pasta. You’re a troll, he signs, having to spell out the last word because internet troll wasn’t really covered in the JSL 101 videos he watched last night.
Inumaki’s eyes flash.
Yeah, he signs happily. What — are you in?
Yuuta frowns. Inumaki signs the word again, slower, and then spells it out patiently.
“D-e-p-a-r-t-m-, oh department, what’s my major?”
Inumaki nods, smiles at him.
“Sorry. Can you–”
Inumaki signs “department” again and Yuuta watches, repeats the sign. Inumaki leans over and slightly corrects, and Yuuta does it again and Inumaki nods. Yuuta feels unreasonably pleased with this and resolves to practice and maybe find a video about signs for university related words.
“I’m in literature.” Yuuta says. “What about you?”
F-i-s-h-e-r-i-e-s.
“Huh.” Yuuta says.
Inumaki fingerspells it again.
“Fisheries?” Yuuta says. Inumaki nods. “There’s a– fisheries department?” He blinks. “At this university there’s …fisheries?” He frowns. Is that really your department? He signs as best he can.
You really don’t mind? Inumaki’s phone reads, when he pushes it toward Yuuta.
“Mind that you….study fish?” Yuuta’s genuinely so confused. “Um, no. I didn’t know you could study that, but I’m not—”
Inumkai’s laughing at him a little and shaking his head no. He touches his throat, then his mouth, and looks pointedly at Yuuta.
Oh.
“That you can’t talk? No? Why would I mind that?” Yuuta scrunches his nose. “Besides you can talk,” he gestures between them, “we’re talking right now, aren’t we?”
Inumaki just keeps looking at him, head tilted. He snatches his phone and navigates, and then his phone says in a voice that is thankfully not Hatsune Miku—
What if my phone breaks? Or the battery dies?
“I have a phone?” Yuuta tries.
Inumaki squints.
Yours too, no phone.
Yuuta pulls his notebook and pen case out of his bag and holds them up.
“Literature student, kinda analogue.”
Inumaki’s still looking at him. Yuuta lowers his hands and stuffs his things back in his bag. Did he give Inumaki the impression that he didn’t like the way they were communicating or that it wasn’t okay or– oh. Has someone else, at some point. Has someone said it was fine and then decided it wasn’t. He thinks of Inumaki announcing he was gay last night like he was getting it out of the way. He wonders if this is similar.
“Also,” Yuuta says, sorting through what he has learned in his brain, I can sign. Not very well, but I can.
Inumaki signs something and Yuuta only catches half of it and bites his lower lip in frustration. There’s a really small smile playing on Inumaki’s lips when Yuuta signs again, please?
Inumaki repeats himself, a little slower, maybe a little less complicated.
You can sign. Pretty well. You learned as a kid?
Yuuta parses the words and nods, speaks as he signs, not sure he’s exactly right and figures saying it twice will only benefit the situation.
“I learned in high school. My mom signed me up.” He frowns at his hands as he finishes. He didn’t know how to sign ‘signed me up’ and is pretty sure he butchered ‘took me’ which he tried to use to replace it. “Was that right– it felt wrong.” He says.
Inumaki shakes his head. I understood. He’s still just sort of looking at Yuuta though, and Yuuta fidgets.
Inumaki types something then nudges his phone toward Yuuta.
Why is your JSL better than yesterday?
“Oh.” Yuuta stares down at the phone and feels his face burn, startled. “Oh– it’s–” Well, now he looks obsessed maybe, and weird. “No…” He finishes futilely.
Are you learning again? Inumaki types. Why?
Yuuta feels very anxious, like he hasn’t in quite some time, looks around the restaurant to try to find a place to settle his eyes. Inumaki reaches out and touches Yuuta’s cheek with a gentle finger and Yuuta looks at him immediately.
Why? Inumaki signs, with his head tilted and his eyes kind. He’s not making fun of Yuuta, Yuuta realizes with a start. His face is surprised but happy; he’s biting down on a smile. Yuuta feels his face heat up, and Inumaki’s smile gets bigger. He points at himself with his eyebrows raised, and what he is asking is very clear.
For me?
“No.” Yuuta mutters and puts a giant bite of pasta in his mouth.
Inumaki smiles at him like he knows a secret, tapping a finger on his phone before he pulls it close.
Okay, oniichan, Hatsune Miku says.
Yuuta kicks at Inumaki under the table and Inumaki locks their ankles for a second, smiles that secret-knowing smile and Yuuta’s heart beats all funny in his chest, like if an anxiety attack was a good feeling.
The rest of the day slides smoothly. They spend so long at the Saizeriya that Inumaki suddenly jumps up panicked, his hands frantically signing about something he’s late for and other words that Yuuta doesn’t know. Yuuta checks his phone and realizes it’s nearly 5. Inumaki squeezes his hand in goodbye.
When Yuuta gets home that evening he doesn’t even feel quite as boxed in by his walls.
[maki-san]
u seem like a good guy
[okkotsu]
thank you?
[maki-san]
mmhm
[inumaki]
is maki texting u something weird
[okkotsu]
no? i mean she said i was a good guy
it was a little apropos of nothing
[inumaki]
did u just fucking say apropos of nothing
[inumaki has changed the chat name to: apropos of nothing]
[panda]
that is apropos of nothing
i like it
[maki-san]
is this some sort of u and okkotsu joke
[okkotsu]
sorry for being a literature student i guess
[inumaki]
apropos of nothing do u all wanna get dinner
not tomorrow but
the next day
[panda]
tragically i cannot
[maki-san]
tragically i cannot
[inumaki]
seriously?????
yuuchan dont u fucking dare say tragically i cannot
[panda]
yuuchan????
[maki-san]
yuuchan is so….
uve known okkotsu for like 48 hours
can u be normal
ever
even once
poor yuuchan
[inumaki]
only i can call him yuuchan
both of u shut the fuck up
[maki-san has changed the chat name to: gay battle royale winner INUMAKI]
[maki-san]
sorry
yuuchan
[inumaki]
ONLY I CAN CALL HIM YUUCHAN
[okkotsu]
why is anyone calling me yuuchan
apropos of nothing
if im yuuchan
what should i call you inumaki
to-chan
tou-chan?
tou-san?
[maki-san]
that is literally so funny actually
u should
[panda]
yeah, love that for u toge
i mean tou-chan
[inumaki]
i don’t want to go to dinner with any of u anymore
[okkotsu]
oh i was free tho
[inumaki]
omg do u like kushi katsu
plzzzz come eat kushi katsu w/me
okkotsu-kun
[okkotsu]
yeah that sounds good
when?
[inumaki]
hmmm
5:30 or
6
?
[maki-san]
plan ur date somewhere else
[panda]
^^^
[inumaki]
okkotsu ur my only friend
[maki-san]
bitch
[panda]
genuinely hurt
[inumaki]
shut it
[inumaki]
omg do u like kushi-katsu
plzzzz come eat kushi katsu w/me
okkotsu-kun
i copied and pasted that
[okkotsu]
yeah, that sounds good
when?
[inumaki]
hmmm
5:30 or
6
?
[okkotsu]
6?
[inumaki]
excellent
okkotsu-kun
[okkotsu]
sounds good
inumaki-kun
[inumaki]
six it is
oniichan
[okkotsu]
on the dot
senpai
[inumaki]
u do like kushi katsu right
also my major is biology
i just really like fish
ur gonna learn so much abt fish from me
[okkotsu]
ive never had kushi katsu actually
also i don’t know much about fish so
ready to learn?
[inumaki]
omg
gonna blow ur mind
((inumaki has sent a pin))
dont get lost, lostboy
[okkotsu]
goodnight inumaki
Yuuta does like kushi katsu. And Inumaki makes him laugh so hard his stomach hurts. After they finish eating, Inumaki drags him to a bakery in the Big Box by the station for dessert and then to the game center on the 6th floor and they play Taiko no Tatsujin and claw machines and Yuuta has fun. He has so much fun. Every time he makes Inumaki laugh his chest sorta hurts with how happy it makes him. Inumaki smiles at Yuuta and gives him a hug when they’re parting ways at the station, one that surprises Yuuta who is not used to casual touch. He finds it in himself to hug back seconds before Inumaki lets him go.
see you later, Inumaki signs from behind the ticket gates.
okay, Yuuta signs back, see you soon.
Inumaki grins at him, blinding bright and mischievous, and it makes Yuuta’s heart go all funny.
[maki-san]
did u two enjoy ur date
oh sorry not date
[inumaki]
did u and nobara enjoy ur date
oh sorry not date
[panda]
uh-oh
[maki-san]
:)
hey okkotsu
[panda]
stakes raised
[maki-san]
before we knew ur name do u know
what ur like sign name essentially was
toge came up with it
[inumaki]
dont u dare
[okkotsu]
i don’t know?
you talked about me before you knew my name?
what was it?
[inumaki]
yeah its ur name
fingerspelled
im prophetic actually i can see the future so i knew
[maki-san]
no
he still uses it too
[inumaki]
maki i will eat u alive
i have VERY sharp canines
[okkotsu]
is it bad?
is it lostboy?
that’s what you always call me
[inumaki]
*u
okkotsu
it is a secret i will share with u one day
[okkotsu]
:(
[inumaki]
dont u have any secrets?
[okkotsu]
relating to you?
[inumaki]
yeah
Yuuta has one secret, relating to Inumaki, this steady slow growing lightness in his heart, this gently flourishing crush, but he can’t tell him that.
[okkotsu]
no
[inumaki]
omg tragic
our doomed love affair is ruined
[okkotsu]
we were having a doomed love affair?
[inumaki]
well not ANYMORE
[panda]
masterful deflection, toge
okkotsu ur on campus tomorrow right
get coffee and study with me?
[maki-san]
ohhh yeah ill come too
that little cafe in the garden
okkotsu have you been?
[okkotsu]
no, i dont’ think so
[inumaki]
what time what time
[maki-san]
who invited u
[inumaki]
>:(
[okkotsu]
i’ll invite you, inumaki
[inumaki]
:)))))))))
[okkotsu]
if you tell me what you call me in sign
[inumaki]
:(((((((((
[panda]
LOL
i genuinely like u okkotsu
[maki-san]
yeah i do too actually
As he’s brushing his teeth, Yuuta’s phone dings again.
[maki-san]
u better not make him cry
[okkotsu]
what? who?
inumaki?
why would i do that?
[maki-san]
im just saying
[okkotsu]
i won’t??
[inumaki]
is maki texting u something weird
[okkotsu]
nothing weirder than you have ever texted me
[inumaki]
cool u wanna listen to the sacabambaspis song
[okkotsu]
sure
[inumaki]
herehere
<link>
[okkotsu]
what was that
[inumaki]
ur welcome
if ur free next weekend (?) lets go to yokohama
[okkotsu]
im free
[inumaki]
cool we’ll plan later
sweet dreams okkotsu-kun ✨🌙
Yuuta finds himself smiling, as he gets ready for bed, and even in bed, as he falls asleep.
“Wait, you do kendo?” Panda gasps quietly in the corner of the cafe they’re tucked into. “When Maki gets here you have to tell her. She does kendo, she always wants to spar. It’s painful.” He winces. “I'm pretty good at martial arts, but she grew up in it. You won’t win but you might have fun?”
“Oh,” Yuuta blinks, “yeah, actually, that would be nice. I was looking to start up here but the club is full right now. There’s two circles they said, but I wasn’t sure about joining. Half the time circles are just for drinking, it feels like.”
“Which circle?” Maki says from behind him.
Yuuta definitely doesn’t jump. He tries to turn to answer her but two slim arms wind around his neck and suddenly Inumaki’s face is on his shoulder and then pressed into the curve of his neck and he has a noseful of sweet vanilla and cherries and Inumaki’s hair, as he rubs against Yuuta’s cheek like a cat.
“Uh.” He says, as Inumaki releases him. “Hi.”
“Jesus.” Maki says as she sits down in the chair between him and Panda, pulling her legs up to sit cross-legged.
Inumaki, taking the chair next to Yuuta, sticks his tongue out at her.
“Which circle?” She asks again, flipping Toge off casually.
Yuuta is very dimly aware that Panda is explaining that Yuuta does kendo and was looking into the club and the circle and then Maki is asking him does he do kendo and what level is he and would he like to spar with her sometime, explaining that she does martial arts because she doesn’t know Panda already told him, but Yuuta’s sort of—
“Is your tongue pierced?” He asks Inumaki slightly too loudly, grinding the conversation to a halt.
Inumaki looks at him startled, tilts his head, and then slowly sticks his tongue out. There’s a tiny gold heart piercing, stark against the pink. Inumaki stays like that a little bit longer and then pulls his tongue inside his mouth in one quick motion, biting down on his lower lip.
“Oh.” Yuuta says faintly.
Bad? Inumaki signs after a moment of quiet.
Maki snorts. “Oh yeah, bad is what he’s thi–”
“Let’s go get you and Toge drinks.” Panda says decisively, before Maki can say anything else.
“Not bad.” Yuuta sorta yelps. Maki snorts again from where she’s being ushered away. Inumaki tilts his head at him again. “Does it– hurt?” Yuuta asks finally. “Or I mean did it, I guess.”
Inumaki shakes his head no.
To-ge, he signs.
Yuuta blinks. “Toge?” He repeats and Inumaki grins, pulls out his phone.
like my name is a thorn, my tongue is a thorn, my piercing is a thorn
it’s a whole thing
i was a pretty dramatic teenager
my tongue isnt even the problem
“Your tongue isn’t even the problem.” Yuuta repeats vaguely.
Inumaki sticks it out again with a grin.
“I can’t imagine you being dramatic.” Yuuta finally decides to say, dragging his eyes up from Inumaki’s mouth to his eyes.
Inumaki smiles that secret-knowing smile and then grabs at his phone to type something, tapping at it impatiently, so Yuuta redirects his gaze.
also
u can call me toge
“Oh,” Yuuta blinks. Inumaki– Toge is so forward. It throws Yuuta off his feet when he least expects it, like a kick to the ankle but it feels good. He’s aware that he’s falling pretty fast and tries to caution his heart out of its giant crush but can’t, not even a little bit, doesn’t even really want to. “Um, you can call me Yuuta. I mean, if you would like?”
i would like
yuuta
Toge winks at him when he looks up from the phone. Yuuta finds that, after this, it starts to come easier.
Maki is– good at kendo. Better than him, for sure.
“What the hell.” Yuuta mumbles from where he’s currently sprawled on his back. They’re just sparring for fun, no equipment besides for their shinai, and Yuuta is getting his ass thoroughly kicked. He’s good at kendo. Maybe they could go hand to hand? Maki would probably beat him. Yuuta hasn’t fought hand to hand for a while.
If you get a hit on Maki, Toge had told him before they started, I’ll tell you what your sign name was.
“Wanna go again?” Maki says with a grin, tapping him on the chest.
“Yep.” Yuuta pushes himself to his feet, trying not to glance over to where Toge and Panda are sitting.
Maki notices his eyes darting over.
“Trust me,” she says, whacking him again with the sword as they settle into their stances, “you don’t need to do anything special, you know? He’s already impressed.”
“Huh?” Yuuta says, jolting eyes to her and narrowly side stepping a hit that definitely would have hurt and was not fair because he was distracted. She grins at him. “I’m not trying–” He starts.
“Shhh,” she says, “all men do is lie and I hate it.”
Despite getting his ass handed to him, Yuuta has a really nice time. It’s soothing, the movements of kendo, the sparring, the way his mind has to detach and can only focus on exactly here and now and nothing else. It helps him realize how out of practice he is, which makes him even more excited to start training again.
Toge watches him from the sidelines, leaning back on his hands, eyes quick, following them. It’s pleasantly distracting. When they break, Yuuta heads over to him and flops down, eyes closed, breathing heavily, his head by Toge’s crossed legs.
“Hi.” He says when he catches his breath, opening his eyes to look up at Toge.
Toge smiles down at him, combs through his hair to brush it off his forehead, then grimaces, signs,
Sweaty
“Well yeah.” Yuuta mumbles. “Sorry.” He shifts and wipes some sweat off his brow with the hem of his t-shirt. When he releases it he sees Toge watching him intently, lip caught between his teeth, hand still hovering by Yuuta’s head, seemingly distracted. “You okay?”
“Leave it.” Panda says loudly, and they both glance over at where Maki has her mouth open like she was going to say something. She rolls her eyes.
“Come on, let’s spar.” she says, pushing herself to her feet, Panda following.
Toge and Yuuta watch them go, whispering to each other, and then Yuuta closes his eyes again and enjoys the breeze, the quiet presence of Toge. After a moment, Toge taps him on the nose a few times and Yuuta opens his eyes, squints up at him. Toge shifts around a bit and holds out his hands for Yuuta to take, pulls him to sitting, angling so he’s right in front of Yuuta.
Before I knew your name, he signs slowly and Yuuta holds his hands up, catches Toge’s wrists in his.
“I didn’t even get a hit on Maki.” He says. “You don’t have to tell me.”
Toge just waits patiently until Yuuta lets go of his wrists.
I want to tell you though, Yuuta.
Yuuta promises himself to get better at JSL faster, hates that Toge has to slow down or spell words for him so often.
He doesn’t understand the sign Toge does next, watches him do it three more times.
“What’s it mean?” He asks.
C-i-n-d-e-r-e-l-l-a, Toge spells. You were Cinderella.
Yuuta doesn’t know what to say to that. He wants to say something but can’t think of what, feels his ears burning with heat. Eventually he just tips forward and rests his head on Toge’s shoulder. Toge doesn’t jerk back or seem confused or push him away and complain that he’s sweaty. He just pets through Yuuta’s hair a few times, scratches the back of his neck.
You were my Cinderella, he signs when Yuuta rights himself. F-r-e-a-k-y-f-a-s-t.
“Normal fast.” Yuuta’s throat feels tight. “Just normal.”
Anything but.
[inumaki]
YOKOHAMA
SATURDAY
[okkotsu]
yeah!
should we take the train together or meet there?
[inumaki]
duh lostboy
They spend the entire day together, eat so much food that Yuuta thinks if he wasn’t so distracted by how much fun he’s having then he might feel sick. He’s dizzy with it, the way Toge seems to know what he’s thinking easily, keep him distracted when he’s thinking too much, make him laugh when he least expects it. They go to the Red Brick Warehouse and then walk to Harbor View Park. Toge leans against him on the bench as they stare at the water and Yuuta, unthinkingly, puts his arm around him. Toge sighs softly, a breath of air escaping him, and leans against Yuuta with a yawn.
“Ready to go?” Yuuta asks.
Toge shakes his head, then rests it on Yuuta’s shoulder.
They stay like that watching the sun start to set, until Yuuta tugs Toge up and tells him he has to take Yuuta to get a souvenir. They buy matching phone charms, which Toge shows off the next day to a deeply unimpressed Maki and an overly despondent Panda, who grumbles about the fact that he doesn’t get to match with them too.
Toge smiles at Yuuta across the table and mouths his name slow,
yu-u-ta.
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
oh i didnt tell u all
but yuuta still had me as inumaki in his phone u guys
he hates me literally
i had to change it for him
[okkotsu]
oh my god
[panda]
wowwwwwww
that is harsh
i dont even have a matching phone charm with u
but ur toge in my phone
[okkotsu]
oh my god
[panda has changed the chat name to: matching phone charms are not in atm]
[okkotsu]
panda im SORRY
[♥︎ toge ♥︎ has changed the chat name to: matching phone charms are hip]
[maki-san]
are we all using our given names now
[okkotsu]
you are maki-san in my phone
[maki-san]
good
[panda]
am i panda-san
[okkotsu]
no
[panda]
real
[maki-san has changed the chat name to: you are maki-san in my phone]
[okkotsu]
i dont hate you
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
idk it felt purposeful
if u remove the hearts ill murder u
[okkotsu]
yeah yeah
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
:) have a good day cinderella
[okkotsu]
have a good day, inumaki-senpai
The days turn into weeks and Yuuta finds that he’s not so tired when he wakes up. He settles into his life in Tokyo and at university and meets up with Toge more than he thinks he’s ever hung out with a person in his life. He finds himself comfortable with his friends, even when it’s just him and Maki or just him and Panda, or just the three of them, though something always loosens slightly, in his shoulders, in his stomach, when Toge appears, vanilla and cherries, throwing his arms around Yuuta.
Yuuta has started reaching back more easily, finds himself scooping Toge up in greeting in return, hands clasped tightly on the small of his back or under his thighs, Toge’s legs around his waist, Toge’s face bright and open and something like the sun.
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
u got the circle thing today right
have fun, stay safe, lmk when u get home
[okkotsu]
yeah
ill report back
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
my fingers are crossed for u!!!!!
dont let them make u drink too much after practice
[okkotsu]
hopefully it wont be that kind of thing
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
hopefully
[okkotsu]
hopefully.
hopefully it will be a nice time
Yuuta is not having a nice time.
Maki had warned him the kendo circle might be big on drinking, but he was hoping it would be okay. Even though he spars with Maki fairly regularly, it’s nice to get a variety of people as opponents and he likes the simplicity of kendo, the way his brain goes slow and steady and quiet. He had thought it could be good to join a circle, that he would be able to practice a little more, make some friends. It is rapidly becoming clear however that this circle is in fact a drinking group disguised as a kendo circle.
He's kind of pissed off about it, actually. The guy who he had talked to at the fair had seemed pretty nice and the kendo part earlier had been fun, if not particularly intensive or challenging, but now he is here, dealing with this.
A very drunk person throws their arm around Yuuta and shouts something in his ear. Yuuta's knees knock into the low table as he squirms away. He wants to leave. He wants to be sitting at some bar or restaurant with Toge making him laugh. Or watching him play Switch. Or showing him obscure characters in one of his uni texts and making Toge guess the reading. Or– anything. Anything with Toge sounds better than this, a thousand times over.
He tries to turn down a drink and the upperclassman offering it gets a nasty look on his face. Yuuta takes it and takes a sip, knocks most of it into another glass when the guy turns away. He sighs, leaning against the wall. If he waits until almost the last train it will be easiest to skip out without causing a big fuss. It’s only an hour or so away. He can wait it out. It's not great, but he's relatively unscathed and only a few beers in so it could be worse. His first year, the last time he'd tried to engage with a circle at his old university, had been a lot worse. At least now he's not young enough that they're really trying to mess with him, bully him into drinking– he’s new, sure, but he’s not a first year and also not a girl.
Speaking of which.
He takes a drink from a first year girl who looks vaguely sick and like she’s having trouble focusing and drinks it for her. She mouths sorry at him across the table, her friend pressed close to her. He gets them some water and a soda that looks like it could be an alcoholic drink to throw people off, pushes one of the plates of food closer to them, tries to buffer them from a few of the more persistent fourth years who are pressing drinks onto people.
He leaves at the first opportunity, showing his last train time and begging off, also making sure the girl and her friend can leave too by saying they need to take the same line as him even though he doesn’t think they do. They pick up quickly, nod and agree and apologize, babbling about how they have to get home. He can tell he's pissing some of the upperclassmen off, especially when the girls come with, but he's not coming back to this circle so that's fine. Plus they’re all drunk so when they get distracted by something else, he, the girls, and a few others all quietly leave.
“You okay?” He asks as they exit the izakaya.
The first girl wobbles on her feet but nods.
“Thank you.” Her friend says. “That was–” She winces. “Sorry, senpai.”
“Awful.” He supplies. “I’m not coming back, don’t worry about offending me.”
He gets them both to the station and past the ticket gates for the Yamanote line and waves as they head up the escalators and then looks at his phone with a sinking feeling. He starts to run but he knows he’s too late before he even gets to the Seibu-Shinjuku line gates.
He looks up at the blank timeboards and feels vaguely disoriented.
He can...walk home. He doesn't feel up to walking, but it might be a good idea, maybe it would help. It’s not like he can afford a taxi. Or can he walk, actually? It’s sort of far. He looks it up on his phone. It's a long walk. His hands shake a little. He takes a deep breath to steady himself.
He wants to be home. He wants to be with Toge.
He closes his eyes and his mind conjures an image– Toge asleep in Yuuta’s bed in one of Yuuta's t-shirts, way too big on him, hair messed, mouth parted in sleep, face relaxed, and then his eyes blinking slowly open as Yuuta crawls into bed, hands reaching for him, sleepy smile playing across his features, the soft exhale of syllables mouthed— yu-u-ta.
The image has the force of a memory even though it's not one.
Yuuta digs the heels of his hands into his eyes and takes a deep breath, in through his nose, out through his mouth, and then another. It’s fine.
He’s fine.
He stands there breathing for a few minutes, willing his mind to calm down.
His phone buzzes against his head.
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
u home safe?
have a backlog of cute fish vids to send
please advise
Yuuta feels vaguely like crying.
[okkotsu]
my last train i just missed it
i guess i can taxi it's just expensive
i dont know
maybe ill find an internet cafe
there’s one here i think
i feel kinda sick
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
where r u
takadanobaba?
[okkotsu]
yeah
He turns vaguely, planning to head back outside. He really doesn’t have the money for a taxi. He would have to walk, but if he can't walk all the way it's probably better to stay here. There's stuff open here, places he could stay until his train starts again in like five hours. Six? He could just–
He realizes his phone has been buzzing in his hand.
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
i live at ochiai
tozai line
it runs late like until like 2am
cmere
ill meet u at the station can u get there
take it bound for nakano
it's one station
yuuta
yuuta do u neede me to come to u
yuuta
yuuta
fuck
[okkotsu]
you dont have to do that
its okay
im not drunk-drunk
i just don’t feel great
its fine
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
literally its not??
come out 2a exit
tozai line, nakano bound, ochiai
yuuta
yuu
yuu-chan
Yuuta wavers, watching Toge repeat his name. It would be an imposition. He doesn't want to be an imposition.
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
cinderella
if u dont message me that ur on the train
or from the tozai platform
w/ pic proof
within the next two minuts
ill take drastic measures
ill never speak to u again
Yuuta squeezes his eyes shut, realizing he is actually in danger of crying.
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
get it yuuta
get it
yuuta
do u get it
[okkotsu]
i don't want to impose
it's okay
im going to buy some water
His phone buzzes before he can even send the next message, and find my way home, thank you though.
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
okkotsu yuuta.
dead serious.
do not feel bad
come here now.
And like Toge's words hold some mysterious power over him, Yuuta turns off the part of his brain that tells him he is being a bother, and goes.
Yuuta doesn’t feel great but he does feel slightly better when he exits the station. He had to wait a few minutes for the metro so he got a bottle of water and sat down and did his breathing and texted a picture to Toge that he was on the platform and therefore Toge did not need to take ‘drastic measures’.
The air feels good on his face, pleasantly warm after the air conditioning of the subway, and he takes a deep breath.
Toge is waiting for him, leaning against the wall of the station in a giant hoodie that falls nearly to his knees and a pair of black leggings. He has a convenience store bag hanging from his arm. He has a mask on, but Yuuta can still see the way Toge smiles and a knot of tension untwists inside him. It’s probably obvious of him but he can’t stop himself, walks over to Toge and slumps, bending over so his forehead can rest on Toge’s shoulder.
Toge lifts one hand up and rubs a slow circle on his back.
Yuuta takes a deep breath. The familiar scent of Toge is comforting, makes his heart beat easier, lets his lungs take in a little more air.
“Hi.” Yuuta murmurs, when he finds it in himself to straighten up. Toge raises his hand in cheerful greeting. Yuuta touches his wrist, the hard juts of bone, and then puts his face into the palm of Toge’s hand and lets Toge rub his cheek for a moment. When Yuuta lets go, Toge rummages in his bag and holds out an ukon no chikara with a questioning look. “Thank you.” Yuuta’s pretty sure you’re supposed to drink them before drinking but it won’t hurt now, will probably help. It’s a sharp taste, sort of cloying, but he downs it. Toge takes the empty bottle back before Yuuta can even look for the correct trash can. “Sorry.” He says.
Toge gives him a look that is impressively both dead-eyed and a glare.
“Sorry for saying sorry.” Yuuta says.
Let’s go home, Toge signs, nods his head for Yuuta to follow as he turns.
Toge’s studio apartment is a few blocks from the station and down a quiet side street and then another. He hops up the staircase and hooks a right and Yuuta follows, feeling strangely overwhelmed.
Toge’s apartment is a garden, is Yuuta’s first thought when he enters the main room, after shucking off his shoes carefully, stepping into the slippers Toge offers him, and walking through the tiny kitchen. He lifts his head and thinks– oh, I’m in a garden.
There are so many plants. Some flowering, some not, a few that look like maybe Toge is rehabilitating them? Some look edible, herbs maybe, but a lot don’t.
He blinks as he looks around.
It’s a small apartment, roughly similar to Yuuta’s in size. It’s filled with plants and books and manga, neatly organized. There’s a low bed on one wall, a desk with a computer against another, a wardrobe filled to the brim with neatly organized clothes. There’s a full-length mirror next to the desk, a rack of jewelry next to it, a hair dryer with the cord wound around it. The balcony door is open with curtains rustling to let in a breeze. The lights are low, Toge has LED strips all around and fairy lights in the shape of fish across one wall, creating a pleasant sort of sleepy effect. Yuuta can see Toge’s discarded switch on the bed, clearly what Toge had been doing before he ran out to get him, and he feels a twinge of guilt, but it disappears when Toge takes off his mask and smiles at him.
Yuuta can’t help but smile back.
Toge sits at the low table by the open balcony door and looks at Yuuta, gestures broadly.
“You have so many plants.” Yuuta says as he sits. Toge nods affirmatively, signs love them, pulls three ongiri and a Pocari sweat out of his convenience store bag and offers them to Yuuta. two for you, one for me. “Thanks.” Yuuta says, “here, you take the tuna-mayo, that’s your favorite.”
Toge makes a pleased face and puts it in front of him, falls back and fiddles with something while Yuuta averts his eyes from the way Toge’s hoodie hikes up his legging-clad thighs, and then soft music fills the room.
Toge gives him a thumbs up.
“Thank you.” Yuuta says and repeats it, even when Toge waves his hand as though to dispel this. “No, really, thank you. I didn’t want to be there and then I finally was able to leave, but I was helping these girls get to their train and then– I really thought I was going to cry when I missed my last train.”
Did they make you drink? Toge signs. Were the girls okay?
“Yeah, they were. You know how it is, the upperclassmen are always making people drink at things like that.” Yuuta grimaces, takes a bite of his onigiri. “Drinking’s fine, not for the purpose of getting drunk though, like that is the activity, you know? Especially not like…I don’t know,” Yuuta says with a shrug, “if I went out with friends to get a drink it would be different; that was just all pressure.”
Toge nods, starts to sign when I was in first year, frowns, holds up a finger and tugs his phone toward him to type. Yuuta finishes his onigiri and opens the other while he looks around Toge’s apartment. He doesn’t feel very tipsy anymore, just tingly and sort of tired.
Toge pushes the phone toward him. Long, he signs, easier.
Yuuta nods, bending over the phone.
when I was in first year, I joined an ikebana circle and the first drinking party they had, there were only two of us in our first year and it was so bad. This one guy in particular kept trying to make me drink and at first i did, but then even when i felt sick he kept trying to push drinks on me. Yuuta feels a strange flare of anger in his stomach, a protectiveness that he pushes down as he keeps reading. then he started being really fucking weird about me and talking, trying to get me to say something, to call him senpai, say his name, suggested we play the Yamanote line game like laughing at me.
“I can kill him.” Yuuta says, looking up at Toge who crosses his eyes and sticks his tongue out at him like it’s a joke. “I’m so serious.” Yuuta says. “You’ve seen me do kendo, you’ve seen me spar with Maki, I will, you think I can’t?”
Toge drags his eyes up and down Yuuta’s face, chest, arms, in a way that makes Yuuta feel distinctly overheated.
You could. Toge signs, points back at the phone.
Yuuta picks up where he left off.
anyway, it was a really bad time and I was really drunk at the end and so pissed because I thought that it would be fun given that it was for flower arranging but nooooo💢💢💢 then would you believe it that guy found me on campus a few weeks later to ask why i hadn’t come back and told me i was cute and he couldn’t help teasing me because i was just so cute
Yuuta opens his mouth to offer a murder plot again. When he looks up he sees that Toge is already smiling, like he knows what Yuuta is about to say.
“Please tell me that this is the guy who you said Maki beat up.” Yuuta says, when he feels calmer like he’s not going to– what exactly? He doesn’t know what. His whole body is thrumming with a weird energy, like he can go back in time and punch this guy in the fucking face.
Toge shakes his head slow, a smile playing on his lips. He grabs his phone and types, then spins it toward Yuuta.
I kicked his ass all by myself. You don’t even know what I can do. I’m very strong, you should see me without a shirt.
That’s….a thought. Yuuta sure is….thinking on it. He blinks back to himself. He’s not entirely sure how long he’s been just staring at Toge’s phone. He clears his throat.
“What guy did Maki hurt?” He asks, at a loss for what to say.
Toge is smiling his secret-knowing smile again and Yuuta doesn’t know why.
Toge shrugs a little, high school. he was my friend, my best friend until, he frowns.
“Until?” Yuuta repeats.
Until he found out I was gay. Toge signs slowly and carefully.
Yuuta’s stomach hurts. That weird angry protectiveness again, making his skin feel all itchy. Unless you make me cry, Toge had texted that first night.
“She kicked his ass right?” He asks, knows he sounds too serious and can’t help it.
Toge nods, looking at him slow and steady, then smiles.
Yes, Yuuta.
When Toge’s done signing, Yuuta reaches out and grabs his hands, puts them on his face for reasons he can’t explain.
“Good.” He says into Toge’s palms, while Toge watches him with those serious careful eyes he gets, strokes across his cheekbones. “Good.”
Toge shows him which door is the toilet and which is the shower, leaves him with a towel and some clothes to sleep in, and retreats back to the main room. Yuuta takes a shower because Toge tells him to and it helps clear the last vestiges of tipsiness from his head. Toge’s clothes are too small for him, even though Toge has clearly offered the most over-sized things he has and Toge does like oversized things, but still. Toge laughs when he sees him, tugs at the hem of the t-shirt, and offers him a toothbrush.
It’s like a record skip, one second Toge is blow-drying his hair and Yuuta’s doing his breathing exercises, trying to pretend he’s not hopelessly enamored with the feel of Toge’s hands in his hair, and the next Yuuta’s on his side in Toge’s bed, propped up on an elbow and curled into Toge, while Toge holds his switch above both their faces and roams his small island.
“Why are you just shaking all the trees, aren’t you going to pick any fruit up?” Yuuta asks finally, blowing some of Toge’s hair out of his mouth. “Your hair is attacking me.”
Toge wiggles on the bed, jostling Yuuta purposefully, and then hits save on his game, tosses it to the side, smacks at a remote so most of the lights go off, rolls over, and curls into Yuuta’s chest. Yuuta’s arm goes up automatically, around Toge’s back to pull him closer.
“Toge?” Yuuta’s mouth is so dry. “Is something wrong?”
Toge pulls back to glare at him.
Bedtime, he signs in the dim light and then, on Yuuta’s chest, right above his heart, he writes, goodnight, yuuta.
Yuuta rubs his hand up and down Toge’s back, shifts so that he’s lying down as well, and Toge curls in just that much more.
“Goodnight, Toge.” Yuuta whispers.
Toge sighs, his breath warm on Yuuta’s chest through the t-shirt he’s borrowing. Yuuta presses his nose into Toge’s hair and it’s not a kiss, but it’s not not one. He listens to Toge’s breathing even out, using it as a measured pace for his own.
He doesn’t remember falling asleep.
He does know, when he wakes, that it’s the best sleep he’s gotten in years.
Yuuta is not good at this part.
He’s hesitant with people, only because sometimes when he closes his eyes he sees Rika and still thinks he’s responsible. An accident only witnessed, but it made him feel cursed for so many years after, afraid to make friends, afraid he would hurt people. That feeling had sort of settled into his bones, even though he’s better at knowing it’s not true now. It’s easier lately. It’s been easy with Toge, Maki, and Panda, because of who they are but it still lingers, sometimes. Times like now because–
Yuuta thinks of Toge in a different way than he thinks of anyone else. He thinks of holding Toge’s hand or taking him on a date or falling asleep next to him and it’s good. It’s really good. He thinks of kissing Toge, a thing he’s never done before. He wants to. He thinks of kissing him, kissing him on the tip of his nose, across the freckles he sometimes draws on his face, on his collarbones, on his mouth, the gentle swell of his lower lip.
He thinks — he thinks maybe. He thinks maybe, with Toge, he could take a breath and take a step forward, even if it’s scary. Because it’s Toge. Because Toge is so gentle with him in the best possible way and it makes Yuuta want to be brave. Because, when he’s with Toge, he wants and feels like he might be wanted back.
He smiles to himself as he walks, making his steps a little quicker. He’s meeting Toge to grab lunch and he’s happy-anxious for it. They haven’t seen each other for a few days, not since Yuuta slept over, since they ate toast and jam for breakfast and watched the cute fish video backlog that Yuuta had not yet gotten to see and Toge told him the name of each of his plants and then rested his head on Yuuta while Yuuta read him a chapter from the book he’s currently reading. When he left Toge walked him back to the station and gave him a long, lingering hug.
It’s been busy since then and, yes, they’ve been texting, but Yuuta wants to see him. Because he thinks maybe. He thinks maybe he might be wanted the way he wants. And he thinks maybe he feels solid enough to reach out, to ask, to say yes when Toge looks at him, tender and secret-knowing, that little smile playing across his lips.
Which is why, when he sees Toge over by the university founder’s statue, Yuuta can’t help the fond smile that spreads on his face. He goes to raise a hand, shout to get Toge’s attention–
And that is when someone throws themselves on Toge’s back, a blur of pink hair and yellow hoodie.
Yuuta takes a quick step forward, unsure if the gesture is friendly for a split second before he realizes that it was. Is.
Toge cranes his neck around and then smiles big, his hand comfortingly on the guy’s forearm where it’s around his chest. The guy leans forward and up, rests his chin sorta on top of Toge’s head and is mumbling something and whatever he says makes Toge laugh, like, hard, head tilting back. The guy’s chin comes to rest on Toge’s shoulder, smiling in contentment, pleased with the reaction he’s gotten. Toge types on his phone and the guy reads it without letting go of him and says something else and Yuuta–
Yuuta’s stomach twists.
He just– he just thought. Not that he had any right to, not that Toge has expressly stated he’s interested in Yuuta and Yuuta’s not stupid– he knows he has chronic bags under his eyes and hair that always looks sorta messy and he knows that Toge could do better than him. He gets it. He’s been harboring his crush on Toge slow and steady, but it’s not– and this guy is cool looking, with his big smile and his pink hair and the way he’s draped over Toge like a blanket and Toge looks so content and small in his arms. And Toge is pretty. Toge is so so pretty, all inside and out, and it’s just– Yuuta thought– especially after the other night– he just thought maybe.
He’s about to, he doesn’t even know, turn and run?, when Toge notices him and starts to wave, waving bigger and jostling the guy on his back, so then the guy starts waving at Yuuta too.
The guy’s smile is like sunshine.
Yuuta feels pissed. He has no right to feel pissed and that pisses him off more. He walks over.
“Hi.” He says.
“Hi!” The guy blinks wide at him. “Are you Inumaki-senpai’s friend? I’m Itadori Yuuji. It’s nice to meet you.” He releases Toge as he speaks and straightens up, offering a small bow.
“I’m Okkotsu Yuuta.” Yuuta says, slightly too shortly, and winces at himself. “Hi,” he tries, softening his voice, “good to meet you.”
Toge does a little hopping step to get their attention.
Itadori is in my history lecture, he shows his phone to Yuuta, and, even from before then, he’s my friend!
“And also late, I gotta go.” Itadori says, peering at the phone screen too. “I’ll see you later though, right, senpai?”
Toge nods cheerfully and waves as Itadori shouts his apologies and takes off at what Yuuta can only describe as astonishing speed.
“Talk about freaky fast.” He says and Toge laughs his little staccato laugh, turns the force of his gaze to Yuuta and smiles, arms open for a hug– although then he gets a good look at Yuuta, who is clearly not hiding his feelings very well, and frowns.
You okay? He signs.
Yuuta nods.
“He’s nice.” He says. “Cute.” He feels vaguely like he’s having the start of a panic attack, the thrum in his fingertips as they go numb, but he hasn’t had a real panic attack for a few months, not since he met Toge and Maki and Panda.
Cute? Toge looks at him perplexed.
“Like attractive.” Yuuta clarifies. “Like you look good together, I mean.”
Toge blinks, seems startled.
“Yeah.” Yuuta’s hands feel so funny. He takes a deep breath but it makes him feel a bit sick. “I feel kinda weird, sorry, maybe I gotta go.” His vision is wavering a little. He doesn’t want to have a panic attack in the middle of campus. Or in front of Toge. Toge who he likes. Toge who treats him like he treats everyone else, with unwavering care and attention because Toge is a good person and Yuuta is his friend. It’s good, actually, that maybe Toge only wants to be friends. That’s probably, like, safer for Toge, actually. Yuuta’s sorta cursed anyway. It’s fine. Yuuta’s overreacting so much.
“I’ll text you.” He says blankly, starting to turn away.
“‘uuta–”
Yuuta spins back on his heel. Toge is grimacing horribly, his hand on his throat.
“Shit,” Yuuta says and all of his panic seems to melt into his body and thrum hard, replaced by a different very frantic and immediate panic and, oh, now he’s having a panic attack for sure, because Toge has told him it hurts to vocalize like that and Yuuta made him by being so fucking weird and now his hands are actually numb, “shit, shit, shit,” and his heart is beating in a weird place up in his throat and he’s definitely– he can’t– his hands hover by Toge’s shoulders, touching then not touching, afraid to touch. “Are you okay? I’m so sorry, are you okay?”
Toge nods resolutely and grabs Yuuta’s hand, takes a big breath and waits until Yuuta does it with him. They do it three times. When he seems content that Yuuta seems slightly less panicked, he starts to type on his phone. He holds it out to Yuuta.
What’s going on? Respectful. Toge gives him the look that Yuuta has come to associate with meaning Toge is not going to let whatever it is go easily.
Yuuta is so shaky. He’s embarrassed because he’s still panicking and he doesn’t really know why and he’s having such an overreaction to his friend having a friend who might be a crush, or is a crush, or maybe they’re dating, but who cares actually, because what matters is that Yuuta hurt Toge, hurt Toge, which is exactly what he is always afraid of, hurting people, and Toge is– Toge is–
Toge throws his arms around him.
Yuuta’s mind stops, just for a second, but it’s enough. He takes a deep breath of vanilla and cherries and Toge burrows into his neck and Yuuta takes another breath and then another and just holds on.
“Sorry,” he says, pulling back when breathing is coming a little bit easier. Toge lets go after a moment, but then steps lightly on Yuuta’s foot which is surprisingly grounding. Yuuta stares at Toge’s beat up converse on top of his sneaker.
He wants to know. He wants to know if Toge is into someone else, if things like taking Yuuta around Chinatown or texting him all the time or watching him spar with those intent careful eyes or letting Yuuta fall asleep in his bed are just because Toge is kind and takes care of people he cares about. If Yuuta knows then he can try to move on or at least be normal and not lose the best friend he’s had since he was a child.
He glances up and Toge is looking at him quizzically. He tugs at Yuuta’s hand, walks him all the way over to a bench and sits, cross-legged, staring at Yuuta. Yuuta fumbles in his bag for the sour candies he carries around just in case and pops one in his mouth, blinks a few times, and takes a few more breaths, counting as he does.
You okay? Toge’s hands are gentle as he signs, face quizzical.
“Yeah.” Yuuta nods. “Sorry, way– overreaction in my head. It happens sometimes. I get like, panic attacks, I didn’t mean to freak you out. I’m really sorry about,” he gestures, “did it hurt? Are you okay?”
Toge waves him off again, signs, I am okay, and then signs, slowly and carefully, what happened?
“Are you guys dating?” Yuuta asks without meaning to, not really.
Toge stares at him for so long, mouth open, and then signs me and Itadori? as though he’s struggling to comprehend what Yuuta is asking, who he is talking about. When Yuuta nods, Toge mouths no? with probably the most confused look Yuuta has ever seen on his face.
“You’re not– are you interested in him?”
Toge shakes his head no aggressively, like the thought of being interested in Itadori hadn’t occurred to him. He stares at Yuuta for a long moment before he flicks him on the forehead.
“Ow.” Yuuta mumbles.
First of all, Toge types, scooting closer with phone in hand. He opens Instagram, scrolling to a profile Yuuta quickly realizes is Itadori’s, and then opening a picture of–
Itadori and a black-haired guy that Yuuta doesn’t know.
I-ta-do-ri, Toge points, then signs Fu-shi-gu-ro, and then signs something that Yuuta doesn’t know. He frowns. When Toge realizes Yuuta doesn’t get it he spells it out. Boyfriends.
“Oh.” Yuuta blinks. “They’re dating?”
Toge types rapidly.
yeah, have been forever. Also, what are you talking about??? Itadori??? why would I be interested in Itadori? no offense he’s very nice but he’s not even my type.
“Oh,” Yuuta says and because he’s tingly from nerves and the start of the post-panic crash, he just keeps talking and says, “what is your type?”
Toge blinks at him for a moment, taps at his phone, and then shows it to Yuuta cheerfully.
currently, apparently, oblivious people
“Huh?” Yuuta blinks, but Toge’s already typing again before he can ask what that means.
Itadori is just like that, Toge types, winking at him as Yuuta reads, if you hang out with him i’m sure you’ll get a hug too Yuuta, since you think he’s so cuuuuute
“No, that’s not–” Yuuta shakes his head, “I thought that you were– I mean, I just, that’s not what I–”
Toge smiles at him, that secret-knowing smile, and Yuuta gives up with a sigh, tips forward and rests his forehead on Toge’s shoulder. Toge pats his back softly.
There, there, cinderella oniichan, Hatsune Miku says after a moment and Yuuta pokes Toge hard in the ribs and then starts to tickle him, Toge squirming away from his grip, face open and bright, smile blinding like the sun.
He spends time at Toge’s more often than not now. He stays over sometimes. Only sometimes. He doesn’t allow himself much more, although when he thinks about the way Toge smiles at him he thinks he would be allowed to ask for more. He’s pretty sure, actually. But he’s worried because he did hurt Toge, even if it was unintentional.
So he tells Toge about Rika, a few weeks later, when he is at Toge’s after getting ramen and they’re lying on Toge’s bed next to each other, staring at the ceiling and Toge’s phone as they talk. Yuuta hasn’t really talked to anyone about Rika, aside from therapists. About how she died in front of him and how it wasn’t his fault but–
sometimes if something feels like your fault, even if it’s not, then it ends up feeling the same in the end, just like it was
Yuuta stares hard at the phone in his hand, the words that he spent so many months, years, trying to explain to therapists who just repeated over and over but it wasn’t your fault like that was enough. Like he didn’t logically understand that, it was just that he couldn’t get his heart to catch up.
“I worry a lot about hurting people.” Yuuta finally says, handing the phone back and staring hard at the ceiling. “Even though I know it wasn’t my fault, I still worry about hurting people that matter to me. Which is why, on campus that day, I got really–”
Toge touches soft fingers to his wrist and then types,
I was okay. I just didn’t want you to leave. It’s not pleasant, but it was the more pleasant option.
“I hurt you.” Yuuta says.
Toge kicks him in the shin. Hard, actually. Hard enough that Yuuta yelps and turns to him to complain but when looks at Toge, really looks at him, he loses all his words. He just looks at Toge. Toge, lying next to him on the bed, face open and soft, smile at the corner of his mouth, hair strewn everywhere, ankle still hooked over Yuuta’s shin, listening to Yuuta like each word he says is important. Toge, who cares for Yuuta like he’s someone special, someone he wants in his life. Toge, who makes sure everyone around him feels comfortable, however he can. Toge, who makes Yuuta feel so comfortable it almost aches. Toge, who Yuuta likes so much it’s dizzying.
He starts to cry, surprises himself with it, burrows his face in Toge’s shoulder to try to hide. Toge lifts his arms and pulls a little so Yuuta is half on him, and then holds him close and strokes his back.
“Sorry.” Yuuta tries to gasp out and feels Toge shake his head repeatedly, no no no.
They stay like that until Yuuta is all cried out, whatever was pricking at his heart releasing him, the scent of Toge’s skin, his hair, grounding him as he stabilizes his breathing. He’s not sure how long he’s been crying, but Toge’s shirt is damp against his face.
He lifts up to apologize because that was maybe a long time coming, but it took him by surprise so surely it took Toge by surprise, only he doesn’t get that far. When he lifts up Toge looks at him, gently tucks Yuuta’s hair behind his ears, and Toge is–
crying.
Toge is crying.
“Oh shit,” Yuuta mumbles, scrambling to sit up, pulling Toge with him, cupping Toge’s face to wipe at his tears with clumsy fingers. “No, no, no. Toge, why are you crying?”
Toge pulls out of his touch for a second to give himself space to sign, space for Yuuta to see what he is saying.
Because you were.
And then leans forward again, into Yuuta’s hands.
“Toge,” Yuuta whispers, but Toge doesn’t say anything else, just looks up at him and blinks dreamily as Yuuta keeps wiping off tears that aren’t there anymore, stroking his fingers across Toge’s face, unable to stop himself.
Yuuta, Toge mouths and Yuuta feels it, feels it in his thumbs, the palms of his hands, his heart. Yuuta sits there, holding Toge’s face in his hands, and just looks at him, ears ringing. He darts his eyes down to Toge’s mouth and then back up to his eyes and Toge looks back at him, patient and gentle, and mouths his name again, yuuta.
“Maki’s gonna kill me if you tell her.” Yuuta says, trying to dispel the weird tension in the room, in his heart, in Toge’s quiet gaze. Toge huffs out a laugh, shakes Yuuta’s hands off his face and sniffles, runs his hands through his hair like he’s trying to fix it. “Thank you,” Yuuta nudges Toge with his shoulder, “and sorry.”
You’re okay. Toge responds, the light catching on his rings and the bumps of his knuckles. It’s okay.
Yuuta can’t help it, he takes Toge’s hands and puts them on his face. Toge smiles at him as Yuuta nuzzles into Toge’s palm and sighs. He stays like that for a few minutes, Toge’s hands cool on his hot face, absentmindedly rubbing the bones in Toge’s wrists with his eyes closed.
“Okay,” Yuuta says finally, opening his eyes to see Toge looking at him tenderly, “do you want to play switch? Or do something else? Sorry again for crying on you and also I’ll stop saying sorry now.”
He looks at Toge and Toge looks back at him for a long serious second without responding.
Obviously, Yuuta realizes with a jolt.
“Oh–” he lets go of Toge’s wrists so that he can pull his hands back and respond. “Sorry, I was–”
You’re always doing that. Toge signs, with a little shit eating grin and before Yuuta can even ask what, Toge’s tapping at his phone, placing it gently in Yuuta’s hands. Putting my hands on you. Keeping them there. My hands are like my mouth, you know.
“Oh,” Yuuta flusters and can feel himself turning red because he hadn’t thought of it like that exactly, but that is really true. “I–”
Toge grabs his phone back and taps something out quickly, his little shit-eating grin turning into a bigger one, his eyebrows wiggling as he hands his phone back to Yuuta.
Yuuta’s genuinely sort of afraid to look. He’s embarrassed himself enough.
You want my mouth on you, is that it?
He darts startled eyes up to Toge who’s giggling silently to himself, reaching for his phone again, but Yuuta– Yuuta does. Yuuta thinks maybe he’s not totally off and thinks of Toge holding him and Toge crying because he was crying and Toge offering him opportunities like this, little moments, like he’s saying if you’re ready, like he’s saying if you want, and waiting for Yuuta to be confident enough to answer yes.
And Yuuta wants to say yes. So Yuuta, without really thinking it through, looks up at Toge and says—
“Yes.”
Toge’s hand freezes above Yuuta’s knee, fingers stretched out for his phone, his eyes startled and wide as he stares at Yuuta.
Oh. Yuuta should not have said that, maybe. He thinks it all the time, so he’s not surprised he’s said it, and he did think that maybe but– he looks down at the phone and then back up at Toge.
Toge is staring at him unmoving, his mouth parted slightly, eyes still wide and gaze flicking over Yuuta’s face like he’s trying to decide if he heard right or if Yuuta is joking or what his next move should be, exactly.
Yuuta feels sort of similar.
“Okay.” He whispers, a burning shame starting somewhere in his belly as he looks away, “Sorry, um, I– shouldn’t have said that. You don’t feel the same way clearly, I can–” He is going to say go, maybe, but doesn’t get the word out, Toge’s hand dropping to squeeze his wrist tightly.
He hazards another glance up and Toge is still staring at him, but there’s something soft and wondrous on the edges of the look that makes Yuuta’s whole body relax almost instantly.
Say it again. Toge signs, part spells, before tugging his phone out of Yuuta’s hand and tossing it aside. Say it again, Yuuta.
“Yes.” Yuuta whispers, that hopeless pull to do what Toge says, respond to him.
Toge scoots closer on the bed.
Yes? He signs, yes, you mean it, Yuuta?
Yuuta takes Toge’s hand in his own and carefully presses a kiss to the tips of Toge’s fingers. Toge makes a little startled gasping sound.
“Yes.” Yuuta repeats and watches the smile break across Toge’s features.
You want to kiss me? Toge signs.
“Yes,” Yuuta whispers, “I’ve never kissed anyone, so I don’t know that I’ll be good at it but— yes. I want to, so so much. Is that okay?”
Toge smiles and lifts up on his knees, a finger under Yuuta’s chin to get him to tilt his face up toward Toge, like Yuuta doesn’t follow Toge’s every movement, sunflower to the sun. Toge’s other hand comes up to Yuuta’s jaw, his cheek, as he leans in slowly, like he’s giving Yuuta a chance to change his mind.
Yuuta does not want to change his mind. He reaches a hand up to Toge’s waist and holds on.
Toge kisses him carefully, just the softest touch of his lips.
Yuuta blinks his eyes open and looks up at Toge as Toge pulls away, one finger still gentle under Yuuta’s chin. He starts to take his hands off Yuuta’s face, probably to sign something but—
“Again.” Yuuta whispers. “Again, please.”
Toge smiles down at him and then kisses him again and Yuuta clutches at his hip, reaches his other hand up to steady Toge as they kiss. Yuuta barely lets Toge pull away before he whispers,
“Again.”
Toge kisses him again and again and when he stops Yuuta doesn’t let him get far, whispers again the second their lips are just barely touching, feels the smile on Toge’s mouth as he kisses him. The feeling of Toge’s hands sliding into Yuuta’s hair, of Toge’s mouth against his, overwhelms Yuuta and his breathing stutters. He finds himself whispering into the kisses before they even end, Toge taking the words from his mouth.
“Again.” Yuuta says when Toge breaks the kiss for real. He pulls on Toge’s waist a little, wants him closer than he is. “If you want I mean.” He adds, remembering himself. “If you want then again, please.”
Toge laughs, leans back to sign,
Yuuta, I have wanted to do that since the day we met
and Yuuta feels light-headed.
“Yeah?”
Toge grins, soft and sweet, and nods, brushes his lips against Yuuta’s.
Yuuta kisses Toge’s nose, his cheekbones, presses into his neck and kisses his collarbones and feels Toge’s hand tighten in his hair, the little surprised gasp of air.
“I’ve been wanting to do that for a while.” Yuuta confesses as he tilts his head back to meet Toge’s eyes. “Again, please?” He asks.
Toge swings a leg over Yuuta’s hips and settles into his lap, which is as overwhelming as a kiss, Yuuta’s body awash with sensations, with the feeling of Toge in his arms and Yuuta rests their foreheads together for a second, catching his breath.
Toge looks at him questioningly, like he’s asking if it’s too much, and Yuuta wraps arms around his waist to hold him there.
“Again.” He says softly, leaning forward.
Toge kisses him again.
It’s something he cannot describe in words, feeling Toge smiling against his mouth, the gentle kisses that are turning more insistent, the way his arms feel around Toge’s waist, pulling him close and then closer still as he lifts up into another kiss and then another.
Toge pulls back and puts a finger to Yuuta’s mouth before he can get the word out.
You don’t have to say again every time, he teases before leaning back in, a soft kiss, his hands tracing Yuuta’s features.
“But I want to.” Yuuta feels light-headed. He releases his hold on Toge just for a second to sign again and then pulls Toge’s body to his, falls backwards on the bed and takes Toge with him, a huff of laughter against his chest. Toge looks like an angel above him and Yuuta tells him so and Toge smiles, shakes his head, and then leans down and kisses Yuuta before he can say it again, insist on it.
He kisses Yuuta again and again, tracing the word onto Yuuta’s heart, but Yuuta still whispers it each time.
Again.
[♥︎ toge ♥︎ has changed the chat name to: yuuchan and toge are dating]
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
yuuchan and i are dating
[maki-san]
yeah
[panda]
im confused havent u two been dating for months
[maki-san]
ikr
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
no????
[panda]
pretty sure u guys have been dating for months
[maki-san]
yeah
congrats on being the last two people to find out tho i guess
[panda has changed the chat name to: gay battle royale winner: INUOKKO]
[okkotsu]
toge?
Toge, from where he’s cuddled into Yuuta’s chest, looks up at him with a smile, raises his eyebrow before replying.
[♥︎ toge ♥︎]
hmmmm?
[panda]
10,000 yen they’re in the same room rn and dont need to be texting
[maki-san]
why would i take a bet like that
i can guarantee they’re in the same room
“Again.” Yuuta whispers, dropping his phone to the bed beside him. Toge tosses his phone to the side unceremoniously and wiggles up until his head is by Yuuta’s and then kisses him, soft and steady and slow, his hand on Yuuta’s jaw, cherry chapstick and something sweet, all Toge.
A week passes and then another and then a month, and then it is mid-winter, the year bleeding away and Yuuta doesn’t think he will ever get tired, not of this, not of Toge and the feel of him against Yuuta, and—
Again, Yuuta signs and Toge kisses him, again and again and again.
When Yuuta wakes, he stretches, running through the upcoming day in his head for a moment as he traces his fingers up and down Toge’s back. Toge, sleeping beside him, in one of Yuuta’s t-shirts, hair mussed, a crease on his face from the pillows, prettier and prettier every time Yuuta looks at him. Yuuta smiles and watches Toge sleep, strokes his hair and rubs his back until Toge starts to wake, pushing his face farther into the pillows, then wriggling until he can press his face into Yuuta’s chest and knock his forehead against him noncommittal, a cat asking for pets, Toge’s version of whining that he doesn’t want to get up.
“Good morning, sleepy.” Yuuta whispers. He loves how soft Toge is in the morning, the way he wakes, nudges into Yuuta’s hands, sleep warmed and syrup slow.
Good morning Yuuta, written right above his heart.
They stay like that for a while, until Yuuta’s alarm goes off again, the we actually have to get up now alarm.
“Come on.” He murmurs, pressing kisses to Toge’s cheeks and forehead to coax him up.
Toge pushes himself out of a bed with a powerful frown at Yuuta and pads to the bathroom with Yuuta behind him, Yuuta’s pinky linked with his. They brush their teeth, Toge leaning back against his chest. After Yuuta goes to click on the kettle for instant coffee and Toge falls against him again, a silent demand for a hug. Yuuta holds him tight. Toge eventually straightens with another pout and shuffles behind Yuuta to grab at bread and hold it up, a question.
Jam please, Yuuta signs as he stretches, heading to open the balcony door and let fresh air in even though it will be cold. He likes to air out the apartment in the morning, see what the weather is like before they have to head out.
Toge comes up behind him and back hugs him, hands under Yuuta’s shirt against the waistband of his sweats, and then Toge shivers, dramatically and repeatedly.
“If you had on pants you wouldn’t be cold.” Yuuta tells him lightly.
Toge pulls away with a huff and signs indistinguishable words as he spins away from Yuuta, something about Yuuta not liking his thighs anymore and why don’t you love me anymore and this is so sad, literally so so sad, flopping onto the unmade bed with his hand against his forehead as though he has fainted. Yuuta rolls his eyes and plants a kiss on Toge, pinches his thigh, and goes to get him a hoodie, as though Toge doesn’t know where Yuuta’s hoodies are, as though he wasn’t going to put one on no matter what, as though they don’t do this nearly every morning that Toge stays over.
“You’re very pretty, never put on pants, I love you.” Yuuta says and Toge grins at him mollified, pulls the hoodie on, signs I love you too, runs back to the kitchen to finish making their toast.
Yuuta slides the door mostly closed, too cold outside, and finishes pouring their coffee. He combs through Toge’s bedhead affectionately as they sit down to eat, Toge nudging up into the touch as he chomps on toast. He has crumbs stuck to his mouth when he smiles at Yuuta.
Yuuta is overwhelmed.
“Here,” he says, brushing them off and Toge looks at him for a long second, gives him that I know a secret smile that Yuuta loves.
Yuuuuuuta, Toge signs, putting down his toast, dragging out the finger spelling, and Yuuta’s heart beats double time. Again.
Yuuta leans in and presses a long good morning kiss to Toge’s mouth, slightly salty with butter, sweet with jam. When he starts to pull back, Toge nips at him, signs again again.
“Stop teasing me about that.” Yuuta whispers.
Toge shakes his head no into the next kiss and lifts a hand, writes again on Yuuta’s heart, then pulls back and signs.
Not teasing. I liked it. Like it. Again.
Yuuta leans in and kisses him like he means it, because he does. He slides his hand from Toge’s chin down to his heart.
Always, he writes, as carefully as he can, I love you.
Toge’s hand lifts up as his lips meet Yuuta’s again, his smile tastes as sweet as it looks, his hand gentle on Yuuta’s jaw and then against his heart,
I love you too.
Yuuta will never get tired of this, so he whispers it, forgetting his toast and the day and everything but this, Toge here with him, the warmth of this moment, the press of his mouth against Yuuta’s,
again.
♥︎♥︎♥︎