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So the thing was, Bel had kissed a few guys in her time.
There was this thing, when you were a child, and you were different. You don’t notice these things at first, but sometimes they just fall into place. For Bel it was noticing that parents came in pairs. The end of the school day would come, and there would be parents outside - parents at the doors, parents in cars, parents stories. Parents, plural.
Bel and her dad were always the best of pairs, and she recalled getting into an argument over a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug with a friend when she was in middle school, because, well, how could anyone be better than her dad? He was her best friend. He was the best, not some random friends that she’d never speak to again once high school started.
But, it was just a little isolating, being asked about her mother, what she didn’t have, what she wasn’t sure of what she was missing. Anna, what did you get your mother for mother’s day?
It was for this reason that she bonded with a boy who moved from Oregon in the middle of the year. His name was Tobi, and Bel wasn’t sure what to think of his eccentric, genuinely weird personality until they were the last two students waiting for their parents and he was picked up by just one. A single mother, raising him on her own just like her own dad did. It was like some mutual understanding suddenly grew between them.
Charlie and Ms Igun were both hard-workers, and they chatted lots while Tobi and Bel would hang out - the gender of the people she hung out with weren’t important yet at 12 years old. They’d make coffee and chat while Bel watched movies and acted out the favourite characters.
“You have to let me be Jones, pleaseeeee!”
“No way! I’m not gonna be the woman, all she does in this one is scream.”
“You can be his sidekick, please.”
“Should we fight for it?”
Oftentimes, Bel’s mother would overshadow the friendships she made, even if it felt like she’d never been a part of her life. But Tobi wasn’t all caught up - guess the news didn’t spread all over the country. Bel would watch people look at her with pity, uncomfortable curiosity, and she hated it. The children were fine, but it was their parents that always messed it up. Be nice to her, that’s Charlie’s kid. Moral of the story, it sucked.
But it turns out, that wouldn’t be the only thing in her life going wrong. Tobi and her were the best of friends, and they’d probably go to the same high school, too. Except, well… That didn’t work out. Bel couldn’t expect one thing in her life to go right, could she?
Tobi had been looking a bit distracted. Carter had just gone home, and he was there waiting for a lift from his mom. They’d just finished a movie, something sci-fi. Bel doesn’t remember. They’d mostly f’d around and got distracted by talking. The silence wasn’t a problem they usually had - Tobi just couldn’t stop talking once he started.
Bel bounced back onto her bed, sliding the dvd back into its sleeve. She glanced at Tobi, feeling unawkward in the quiet. While Tobi was embarrassed to raise his hand in class, Bel could probably go a capella in front of a whole grocery store. But here, in her room, he shouldn’t be this quiet. “What’s up?”
Tobi ran his hand over one closed fist, a habit of his. He seemed nervous, almost. Bel wasn’t really expecting what he was about to blurt out.
“I think my mom likes your dad.”
Oh.
Bel had been expecting… something else maybe. Her friends were always talking about it. Tobi’s cute, right Bel? You two make a great pair. Bel wasn’t quite sure how to feel. Tobi was her best friend, right? A relationship would just make that weird. She was more relieved than she should’ve been.
Bel pulled her feet up to sit cross-legged, shoulders still tense, but for another reason. “Okay, that’s not happening. My dad promised me he’d stop dating after Ellen.” It was just a small lie - she’d gotten into those recently. He hadn’t promised that exactly, but he basically had.
Tobi scrunched his nose and looked up. “Ellen?”
Oh, right. Tobi and her hadn’t met yet. It felt like they’d known each other much longer. “His old girlfriend who barely lasted a week in our house. Tell your mom Charlie doesn’t want her.”
Bel was doing that thing again, getting defensive. She wished she knew how to stop.
Tobi shifted, hand over his fist again. “Oh. Well, you know, that’d be better actually, if they didn’t get together, because that would make us siblings, and not that I don’t want us to be close like that, but, um, sorry, I don’t know how to say this other than, um, I’m sorry. I think I like you.”
Oh.
Oh.
Bel really wished she could go back and change the topic, steer clear of it entirely. Maybe ask Carter to stay longer. But, it was late, she was 13, and all of a sudden those words people said that she swore never got to her, felt closer than ever. He’s cute, right. You two make a perfect pair.
She didn’t even know she was about to do it, when she’d leaned in to kiss him. She’d never done it before. For all she knew, it was horrible. But she did it, because she was 13, and all her friends were fawning over boys by now. Maybe, just maybe…
There was a reason she wasn't there yet?
And it must be because of Tobi.
But, when their lips pressed together, hers a pale pink and his a dark brown, Bel felt nothing.
She pulled back, heart beating faster but not for the reason she so wanted. Fuck. What the hell was she going to do now?
Tobi looked conflicted in his own way, and it was barely a millisecond after she’d kissed him that he broke in -
“Wait, wait, Bel - I, I didn’t want to tell you this now, but… we're moving back to Oregon. Maybe next month, sometime in the summer. I tried to find a way for us to stay but I couldn’t, and I really don’t want to leave. I don’t know what to say.”
It was crazy how fast things changed. And, in Bel’s life, it seemed like everything was on five times fucking speed. She didn’t make too many more friends after that.
Her dad stayed home with her the Saturday Tobi went, and they spent a day together hanging out and driving around to different places. It was fun, and it made missing Tobi a little less painful. But there was another feeling she felt that day, that made her feel guilty - relief.
She just couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss they’d shared. It hadn’t even seemed like he had liked the kiss. But she wasn’t thinking about him. She was thinking about herself, the reason why she had leaned forward and kissed him, answering his confession in some sort of way. Why had she done it? She thought she knew, deep down. Maybe it would fix what was going on in her head. Tobi was kind, he was good, and he’d undoubtedly be a great boyfriend. Maybe he’d make her a better person, because at 13, apparently she was the evilest girl in the world. Bel should have felt that way for him - she really should. Or at least have been able to tolerate the thought of it, but she just couldn’t do it. Sometimes she’d think what it would be like to date him, and sometimes it felt okay, but then she’d think about doing all those coupley things like holding hands and kissing and it was confusing for her but it just felt wrong . Just entirely wrong . She hated it. Her being the problem, like always.
The second time she kissed a boy was when she was a bit older, 16. Admittedly, she’d gotten in with a bit of a bad crowd. They weren’t exactly what the average person would define a friend, but they had some sort of an understanding. That being, outcasts, people who didn’t fit in. That also being, people who smoked.
“Wanna try it?”
Bel was startled. She fiddled the empty box in her pocket, a cigarette box with an ill looking baby on the front. She couldn’t help herself when it was just sitting there, in plane sight. It made her feel something, those little things. Good way to clear her mind, and nobody had seen her take it. “Sorry?”
He must have been a year or two older than her, based on the way he held himself, but he had a youthful face. Covered in rough patches of acne and paired with short, side swept hair. Without his imperfections, he was the picture of beauty.
Bel should’ve felt something when he asked to kiss her.
“If you don’t wanna try it, I could help you out a bit…”
It was unlikely the guy knew who she was. He didn’t even go to her school, and she didn’t know who he was either. She was 16. Maybe this time she’d feel something.
The smoke between them ruined the kiss maybe a little, but it felt good, doing something she shouldn’t be. Like the rush of grabbing a small token everywhere she went. It wasn’t like it was hurting anyone.
But it didn’t feel right this time. It just twisted her stomach and made her feel frustrated.
It would never get better, Bel thought. She should’ve fallen for some boy by now, even if on the television. Should have felt flattered when a boy went up to ask her on a date, should’ve thought about kissing the football player or the nerd in her calculus class or, god, any fucking boy. But it just felt wrong, wrong, wrong .
She was 17 years old when it felt right for the first time - an old friend of Sams, Kayla.
The first thing Bel noticed about Kayla when she saw her was that she was pretty. Like, really pretty.
Maybe it was jealousy. Kayla had long brown hair that fell to her ribs, wispy with just the smallest waves going down it. Bel couldn’t take her eyes off of her when she ran her hands through it. Maybe she was missing her own hair, which she’d gotten chopped into some sort of mullet… That was it, right?
Kayla had liked it - she’d reached out and pushed her hand through it, and Bel felt like her whole world stopped in those five seconds. “It’s cute. Suits you.” Bel was going to fucking die.
Of course, that meant nothing. Kayla told every girl she met just how pretty they were. If Bel were any interested in social media, Kayla probably would’ve been in all her comment sections, calling her the ‘actual love of my life’, or whatever that group of women called each other. The pretty ones.
The best thing about Kayla is that, number one, she was cool as hell, and two, she loved to badmouth with her.
“No, cause Sam’s always been such a bitch! and like, I don’t use that term lightly. She’s so self-centred, like, god.”
Kayla just… got Bel. In ways other people didn’t. Even Carter, who was now old enough to critically think probably. Bel allowed herself to open up, just a little. Show parts of who she was just to Kayla, things she was too scared to show others. And Bel just couldn’t get her out of her head.
She’d never kissed a girl before.
“This is Chappell Roan, she’s pretty underground but like, really good. This one’s California .”
Bel sat down on Kayla’s bed, feeling slightly nervous, but nodding her head to the music. “It’s interesting.”
Kayla smiled, that pretty one she did where her right side went higher than the left. Bel couldn’t help but notice those things about her. She couldn’t figure out why.
“Oh, so not the type of music you’d listen to?”
Bel looked at her, before shaking her head. “Maybe not. I listen to my dad’s kind of music.”
Kayla ran her hands through her hair. God, it looked soft. “Hmm. We’ll play something from your dad’s soundtrack then, next.”
Bel tugged the sleeves of her trousers, feeling vulnerable somehow. She hated feeling like that, but, somehow, in front of Kayla, it didn’t feel so bad. Maybe okay, even. Bel had tried to push her away, like she did with everybody, but it didn't work on her. Made her fight harder, even. Bel just couldn’t understand why.
Bel’s eyes fell to the ipad, and she saw the way Ash looked at her, the soft curve of his open mouth, the slow burn in his eyes.
“Hey, Bel?”
Bel couldn’t have expected it, never. Maybe she’d suspected, over the years. But she just hadn’t wanted to accept it. Maybe it would make blocking people out easier, sure, but there had always been that part of her. That stupid childish hope, that maybe everything would be okay. It would all just be better if she blocked it out. “Yeah?” An off-hand reply. She didn’t know how much would change, like she hadn’t known Tobi would leave that day years ago, or how Sam would accept being pushed out so easily.
“Have you ever kissed a girl before?”
On-screen, one of Ash’s hands floated towards her. Bel couldn’t look.
He pulled her in.
Their eyes met.
Then their lips.
And Bel felt sick.
“What?”
Kayla’s brown eyes flicked from the wall to her face, a sort of bravery in them. “Just, maybe you should try it. You never know, you might need it someday.”
Bel’s heart fluttered. It hadn’t done that like this before.
She might need to kiss a girl someday? What did that even mean? Bel pushed her brain to make some quip as a response, some snarky one that made Kayla laugh instead of pushing her away. But her brain didn’t follow. It was like her words weren’t her own.“I wouldn’t know where to start.”
Kayla stayed cool, as always, but something had shifted. “Well, it’s easy. Here.” Her soft hands reached out, touching Bel’s shoulder. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before she moved in, and…
Oh.
Bel hadn’t known what it felt like for things to be right. As soon as Kayla’s lips slotted into place with hers, Bel was transported. Memories flew around her like asteroids, her heart beating so fast it could almost shoot up and join them. So many years, and they had all felt so wrong. Something with the way she couldn’t stomach the thought of ending up with a man at her side. Definitely not like this. She let it happen for a moment before responding, everything in her saying yes. This is it. This is that thing that I’ve been missing. This is that part of me that’s been lost in space, and I’ve found it.
Ash’s nose bumped against hers, the hard corners of the ipad pushing against their bellies. Bel pulled away first, eyes heavy, lips stung.
“Oh,” Ash left out, looking some form of pleased, but his face changed when he saw Bel, wiping her lips, unable to look at him. He suddenly looked almost embarrassed, if that was something he could feel. Fuck, things were going so good. She finally had a fucking friend. Fuck. Fuck!
Kayla pulled away first, eyes fluttering, lips open.
She smiled at Bel, then looked away nervously. Bel felt shaken. She’d hid this part of her for so long, that she felt so naked and open here, letting it outside of that cage she’d not bothered to look at for so many years. Hidden deep inside of her, too scary to go looking for. She suddenly felt ashamed.
Kayla spoke first. “Bel… I don’t know if that made it obvious, but I like you.”
A silence hung in the room after her confession, Kayla looking into Bel’s eyes as if there was an answer in there. All Bel could think was, fuck.
Bel wiped her hand on her jeans, refusing to look at Ash. “We should get out of here. Rachel could be coming.”
Ash looked confused, suddenly looking small in his minion getup. “Okay, but, Bel, can we-”
“No.”
“No.”
Kayla looked confused, suddenly looking small in her own bedroom.
“Bel, I-”
“I should go.” Why had she even let herself get close to Kayla like this anyway? She’d be leaving her, just like everyone else. Going to some fancy school on the other side of the state, because on top of everything else, Kayla was a fucking genius.
Kayla looked upset. “Bel, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I just-”
“My dad probably wants me home. I’ll call him to pick me up while I’m on the way.”
“Please just wait-”
“I’m not like that.”
That feeling of floating in space had disappeared, replaced with a fear of becoming lost in it, left on one of those asteroids, only a memory to sustain her and no way back to where she’d come from. Kayla would be gone this time next year and she might as well let her go now.
“I don’t care if you are, just. I’ve got to go.”
She hadn’t spoken to Kayla in the last six months since it happened, but she was all Bel could think about when Ash kissed her. Wishing it had been Kayla’s hand on her waist, Kayla’s lips on hers, her long hair brushing against her skin. Wishing it felt right, instead of wrong.
“We shouldn’t have done that.” Bel said first. “I was just messing with you. You know how we do, mutual unpleasantness.”
Ash shook his head. “That wasn’t unpleasant for me. And I don’t think it was for you, either-”
Bel stared him down, pleading him to let it go. She just couldn’t think about it right now, not when Rachel was going to come through that door any minute, not when there was nothing else she’d rather talk about.
Ash let his hands scrunch up by his sides. “Okay, Bel.” His smile was weak, one-sided, but not in the endearing way Kayla’s mouth had turned up, so full of light it made Bel need to look away sometimes. “You’re right. I find you thoroughly unpleasant, but I have to put up with you because it’s a job and I’m helping my brother-in-law.”
“Good.”
Things wouldn’t be good, not until she figured out whatever Rachel was hiding. She just needed to get things back to normal, and then maybe. Just maybe. Those parts of her she’d worked so hard to ignore could come out of hiding, too. Maybe. But she had a liar to catch. Everything else could wait. However long it would take.