Work Text:
i remember the way you looked
walking into the room
with your shoulders so broad
hair done up so nicely
just a couple of minutes shy of being punctual
it’s unfortunate that i had chosen to be loyal
hadn’t given you much thought
never snuck glances very often
(unaware that you’d been glancing at me one too many times)
kept my eyes fixated to the front
didn’t want to be swayed
—never thought i’d be
until you were called upon to speak
and when you did
ears turned a hint of pink
your voice sounding gentle and calm
like a field of flowers dancing in the wind
like a myriad of stars glimmering in the sky
like the comfort being close to the ocean brings me
it struck a chord
tugged on my heartstrings
an effect so abrupt
even it took me by surprise
and i don’t get genuinely surprised often
even though i’m great at pretending i do
that was when our eyes met
not for the first time
but for the first time
with so much meaning
and attraction,
and magnetism,
and allure,
and for some reason
it made my heart skip
like a teenage girl with a massive crush
we held the gaze
until we were forced out of it
still at work
work that hasn’t yet started
it was only the beginning
of a 13 hour flight
—
work wasn’t much different
but it was the first flight that gave me
a surge of energy
a flight that allowed me to be playful
so much more playful than i was used to
coming from me
someone who never dared cross any lines
especially because it’s work
never once
has anyone ignited within me
a spark so strong i must follow
that i left my morals behind
professionalism foregone
lost in the bilingual lighthearted banters
yet it was so easy playing with you
whenever there was time
your little touches
hand lingering on the small of my back
gentle voice next to my ear
when the galley is just too narrow
and we’re forced to stand
just a little too close
but it wasn’t uncomfortable
in fact, it only made me want to be
much closer
to you
i remember pulling out a cart and
you must’ve said something
amusing
because i was giggling,
saying, “fuck you bro!”
and you stopped what you were doing
just to turn and look me dead in the eyes
to say
“since you said it”
and i rolled my eyes as i turned back
resuming my duties
ignoring the heat creeping up my cheeks
i have a girlfriend
and it was a joke from one man to another
but yet
i feel like i’ve just been proposed to
like the idiot that i am
—
arriving at america
we talked about what we had been doing
i said i was pretty exhausted from clubbing the whole weekend
you said you were exhausted from drinking the whole week
but we agreed
that if there was time
and that we weren’t tired
we’d get a drink before the night ended
and we went to In-N-Out for supper
where we both discovered each other’s tattoos
how mine was showing and you teased,
“tattoo craze”
and basically ripped the corner of my dress shirt
over my shoulder just to reveal the entire piece
and i gasped, “you look like you’re gonna strip me out my clothes!”
and you snickered
and said, “i also have one”
before basically pulling your shirt up
revealing a back full of art
and red ink
and a work that looked so you
it was cold and windy and
maybe
some part of me wished you’d offer an arm
just for the heat
nothing more
and i mentioned casually
how my girlfriend wouldn’t be fond of this weather
and with surprise you said,
“oh you have a girlfriend”
and was that disappointment i heard
or was i delusional?
i brushed it off either way
as we were walking to your room
i was feeling playful
leaned TOO CLOSE to your face
cracking a stupid joke
and i could tell you wanted to kiss me
from the way your smile dropped
and eyelids drooped
even just in that split second
before you let out a laugh of disbelief
saying
“我给你害死”
which loosely translates to
“you’ll get me into deep shit”
and i just giggled it off
complacent i’d gotten an effect out of you
and i’m a naive person
who didn’t believe in two bisexual men
being in the same room
doing anything more than
talking shit
and drinking
and laughing
as i sat respectfully at the corner of your room
snug on the small couch
yours being the choice of room since it was truly bigger
a corner room in the hallway
you pulled a twiddly chair up across from me
legs spread a little too wide
too suggestive
but i didn’t think much of it
until we talked about tattoos
and you wanted to see them
i revealed parts of my skin
i never thought i would
to you
and i can still remember
the way your fingers traced oh so gently over
the lines on my skin
the leaves of my tattoos
so soft a caress
i couldn’t contain inhaling deeply
your eyes were brown
even in the warm lights of the room
as brown as i remembered them to be
in the white lights of the aircraft
and you can’t quite hold my gaze
just like i couldn’t hold yours
unless we were both laughing over something way too dumb
“your eyes are getting red,” you said,
“you should remove your lenses.”
i thought about it
thought about whether i was willing to leave you
even just for a little bit
but for my own comfort,
i obliged
i took a shower and freshened up
because i wanted to stay awake longer
talking to you
i enjoyed our dynamics
the teasing
the way you could switch between
a gentleman
and a fuckboy
so quick it made me throb everywhere
i had to rest on your bed
just to tame myself on the soft cushions
of course,
not without saying,
“this is your room, you know,
you can chill on the bed with me.”
and that was when you got up from the chair
and crawled over my legs
just to get to the other side
keeping a comfortable space between us
out of respect, i know
and i don’t know how it happened
what i did
what YOU did
it happened so fast
how you leaned over me to charge your phone
your chest barely brushing against my bare chest
my nipples almost erecting from excitement
and i said, “whoa watcha doin’?”
and you nonchalantly said, “don’t think too much, i’m just charging my phone”
and i let out a weak hum
and before i know it
you were on top of me
in a straddling position
looking down at me
whilst my head was angled against the headboard
looking up at you
a moment so intense
my stomach was pooling
with something
that felt akin to lust
and desire
from the way our eyes held each other’s
confirming we both wanted this
tension building on tension
and then our lips met
and i forgot everything
couldn’t remember the life i had back home
only remembered one thing
you
how your fingers traced over my skin
like i’m delicate under your touch
didn’t want me breaking
lips chapped but ever so gentle
gracing my lips
down my jawline and my chest
going up to my neck
the licking
the nibbling
the suckling
the obscene noises of knowing
i can never turn back time
that i want you more than anything
that i would hate myself for this
yet i wouldn’t hate you
nor regret this even if i could
when we finished
you took care of me
shocked, like i was
but pleasantly surprised
scoffed and said,
“i can’t believe you were my first one here”
and as i showered
i told you
stop looking at me
i’m shy
and your smile in that very moment
took my breath and my heart away
“you’re my first one too”
the next morning
with our group of friends
we visited so many places
and you did many little things for me
as though i’m your person
like buying water
holding my bag
my jacket
slapping my ass when no one was looking
brushing the hair out of my face
smiling so gently
so so gently
that i had to resist the urge
from leaning right in
and capturing your lips in mine
not to forget
the many opportunities you took
to just be beside me
even if it was for a meal
or if i was shopping alone
you never left me
why?
at the end of the day
it was another night of drinks
two others came
red wine in each hand
intoxication worried me
yet intrigued me
because
were we going to make love again?
laugh.
how naive was i to think it was love?
but we did. dangerously enough
you slipped your hand into my pants
with encouragement
when intoxicated
while our friend was asleep beside us
and you touched me
i felt so good
so alive in that moment of voyeurism
you clamped your hand over my mouth
in case my sounds woke her up
but i always ended up going back to my room
and i thought you’d ask me to stay
but was it wrong to think so?
we only had more night
— until you said,
“do you wanna just sleep here?”
and i bit my lip
dizzy from excitement
guilty for doing this
“yeah,” i said softly,
removing my shoes and
crawling to you
under the covers
when i woke up, i couldn’t believe what happened
naked, confused, and guilty
i couldn’t bring myself to look at you
but it was in that moment
that you realized i was awake
and you pressed the pillows down between us
just to take a good look at me
“good morning,” you had said
i couldn’t look away from the ceiling
“morning,” i said
i didn’t know how to feel
i didn’t regret
yet
but i couldn’t fathom exactly
what i have done the past two days
“come here,” you said
and my heart started picking up its pace
i was nervous
because this time
there was no booze
nothing for me to have a reason
to be close to you
in bed
but you pulled my arm
and you slotted your leg between mine
as though you’ve done this forever
WE have done this forever
and you said
“you okay?”
and i exhaled,
“better than ever.”
the flight back was intense
not in a bad way
just in a way that says
WE FUCKED
because i know our body language
and our eye contact
and non-verbal signs
would give us away
if anybody cared enough to observe
under a magnifying glass
we played
and i teased you
about how big of a cock you had
and i giggled when your ears turned red,
rendered speechless
from my direct expression
when the turbulence came
and you grabbed my hand
not so inconspicuously to take a seat
and i said
i’m okay
and you said
i know, but i want you to be safe
and i think
maybe
i was a step closer to loving you
even if it was happening all too quickly
i always heard stories
of crew sharing the tiny space for a bunk
but never imagined i’d experience that for myself
because i never once considered cheating
never even thought you’d casually ask
“you think the bunk could fit us both?”
and i became excited, “you can try!”
because was this really happening?!
you laughed
and you never really declined a challenge
so you instructed me to climb in first
before you joined me
and for four hours
you cradled my head on your arm
as you cuddled me to sleep
wondered how your arm didn’t feel sore
sacrificing an hour of your rest
just so nobody would catch us
catch YOU leaving an already occupied bunk
but not without
first peppering my face with gentle kisses
making me giggle
and kissing my smile with yours
as your hand ran down my waist
and i looked up at you
with stars in my eyes
stars i knew you could see
that held so much endearment
even for a minute
a minute that was passing too fast
“did you sleep well?”
your gentle voice
sends shivers down my spine
everytime
and i pushed myself up to connect our lips
“i did, cuz of you”
when i invited you to a party after the flight
and you hummed
and i convinced you to come
you hugged me
introduced me to your friend and asked,
“are you alone, or…”
and i said with my friends
and nobody here knows my girlfriend
and you pulled me in for a kiss on the cheek
— only for you to witness later
my drunk friend kissing me
on the dance floor
in front of you
in attempt to chase away
another man who has been trying
for my attention
for weeks
and you got so mad
at the end of the party
you yelled in my face
“don’t fucking find me or contact me again if you’re in a relationship”
and the tears started rolling down my face
they couldn’t stop
especially because you’d slapped me with reality
and i didn’t know how to face it
hurt so bad
felt so alone
you left to get supper with your friend a few feet away
and you know exactly what you did to me
because i saw you glancing at me
even from a distance
even through the tinted glasses
my best friend gave me
to hide the tears on my face
which failed tremendously
the next day
out of guilt for nobody but you
i texted, “i’m sorry”
and you replied
less than minute later
“that wasn’t nice”
and so i explained the situation
and what you said next took me by surprise
“in that moment,
i experienced what your girlfriend
would have felt
in my position”
and my heart dropped
because didn’t that meant
you developed feelings for me?
but i overlooked that and said
again, “i’m sorry”
because that never happened before
and you shouldn’t have seen it
but you said
so quickly
“why don’t you come over tonight then”
and i said
“i can’t, spending time with my girlfriend”
and you paused before replying,
“okay then”
over the next few days
we would have been texting
sneakily
easily because we were always flying
to different countries
and you’d flirt so naturally
even with words
and my heart would still skip a beat
the way you
relentlessly asked to see me
felt like you actually liked me
and when i stayed over
as you were cuddling me
my body on top of yours
you pressed the gentlest kiss to my lips
and i asked,
“do you always cuddle your fuck buddies like that?”
to which you said
“i don’t ever have fuck buddies. you’re my first.”
“oh,” you’re always surprising me.
“what about how many partners you’ve had?”
“like, four? four ex girlfriends that i cuddled.”
then i starting asked what you thought about our friends
and when i asked about me
you leaned down to kiss me
again
and i just took it in
everything
you planned to bring me to see a rugby match
we planned to visit paris together
you planned to bring me to your dad’s stall for food
which you did
not once letting go of my hand as we were walking
holding my hand the way i’m used to holding my girlfriend’s
and it felt so wrong
but so fucking right
and i wondered how life would be
with you
while my girlfriend was waiting for me
in our place
“you’re so cute”
“you‘re extremely comfortable to be around”
“you have the sweetest smile”
“your bubbly energy is charming”
“i find you really sweet and attractive”
your way with compliments
sends my heart into an overdrive
and although i never asked for them
i never will forget them either
one day as we were chatting
i said
“i still can’t believe we’re right here right now”
and you asked,
“why?”
i looked at you,
“i’m not meant to be a cheater,
and i know i’ll get caught for this sooner than later”
and you hugged me close
“and i didn’t make you become a cheater”
i shrugged. fair point
and then your phone started ringing
and you said “fuck”
and i asked what happened
you picked up the phone
and it was a call from work
saying you had to report for a flight in less than two hours
i laughed
and you hid your face in my chest, disgruntled
“is this REALLY happening right now?”
and as you blew your hair with work pants on
the dim lights in your room
making every curve of your body stand out
muscles thick
shoulders broadly stretched across
your chest irresistibly sexy
i remarked,
“is this what it’s like to date a crew? cuz i don’t like this.”
and you laughed as you came over
grabbed my face between your fingers
just to turn my face
so you could kiss me on the lips
you did it once
and then a second time
and i almost dropped everything for you in that moment
only to discover soon
that would be the last time
we’d see each other again
——
i know you wouldn’t say it back if you didn’t mean it
but i just wish
i knew what was on your mind
because this doesn’t seem like you
nor something you’d do
given how communicative you are
unless
this is your way of telling me
you want out
from the way you told me
a month and a half ago
not to blame you
when you had to leave
for my own good
and i told you
don’t go
because i want you in my life forever
even as a friend
and you ignored my message
choosing to reply the other ones instead
——
you thought i was crying over
the thought of me ending my long-term relationship
but as i turned away from you to hide my tears
and you came behind me
spooning me in the way i’ve grown all too familiar
i wish you knew
i was only crying
because i know too much
knew how our relationship could never work
even if we tried
because we have too different ambitions
and that’s something beyond our control
and that i knew the outcome of what we were
even before we could become anything more
but i didn’t say it
let nothing slip past my lips
let you think i was thinking about my relationship
when it’s what we had that was on my mind
whatever it was
we had
unlabeled and unspoken
whenever you asked me about my relationship
and i told you some false things
to make you believe
something was lacking
but i was only following my temptation
temptation that was you
i was an asshole to my girlfriend
who was my everything
who gave me everything i ever wanted
and was the best person i could ever have
but yet for a while
i chose to listen to you
as you told me
“i’m not encouraging you to break up”
but
“you will never know if you don’t try.”
and i know what you meant
you wanted me to give us a shot
because you wanted me
but i wasn’t willing to let my girlfriend go
as selfish as it sounds
it was scary and nothing was wrong with her
and as much as i wanted you
you weren’t important enough for me
just to drop everything for
and i could tell in that moment
your eyes told me
“but you can never have the best of both worlds”
and i felt you say
“i don’t like being second choice”
——
somewhere along the way
within the coming weeks
i could feel your excitement cease
you no longer used exclamation marks in texts
you replied a little later
i still kept looking forward to your messages
but whatever advice you gave me
in regards to extending a break away from my partner
you were using it on me
“you could reply hours later”
“slowly stop sending goodnight or good morning texts”
“ask to meet lesser”
“say you’re busy with work”
and although you don’t elaborate on the time you take
to reply me
i know your interest is fading
and it’s also because you can’t fully give yourself to me
and i don’t blame you for that
but i don’t blame myself too
we’re two pods in a pie
a situation we willingly chose to step into
together
but now my heart is breaking
and you probably know it
you’re too intuitive
too knowing
too intelligent
not to know how you’re making me feel
by doing all of these
but you’re choosing to go through with it anyway
and what can i do?
nothing
because you’re not mine to begin with
as much as i joked about you being mine
when you were sharing stories of others trying for you
you were never mine
even after i’ve moved on from you
i will never really forget the day
my heart knew
you’ve moved on
because it was four days after my birthday
that you went clubbing with one of my friends
and another mutual friend between you
despite the number of times
i begged
for you to club with me again
you never did
yet when she invited you out
you did
and that’s when i knew
something’s changed deep in your heart
and i had to mentally prepare myself
for the storm that's coming
you never meant to step out of my life
for me.
just because of our sexual history
you chose to leave our friendship
for your own sake
and to think
i believed you
when you said
one day you’ll leave for my own good
——
but you’re a fucking son of a bitch
and i’m sorry for saying that
because your mom is so amazing
and i truly enjoyed the short time i had
talking and laughing with her
on nights you wanted me over
the night you cooked fried rice for me
and i brought delicacies back from china
and her generosity
wanting me to try the food she got
and sometimes i wish i could keep in touch with her
without your presence in my life
because she’s so sweet
and i appreciated everything she did for me
but you left me no time
wasted not a second in dropping me
even before i could get the closure i needed
left me in tears for days
especially when i was in melbourne
got me real fucked up
couldn’t perform at work because it truly affected me
i think i cried onboard once
just because of how much it hurt
how much i missed you
your presence in my life
how you filled up the void so seamlessly
and how much i wanted you in my life
even just as a friend
and you fucking knew it
you knew how fucking much i wanted you in my life
JUST AS A FRIEND
but you chose to leave me
treat me like an ex
chose not to maintain the friendship because of what we had
what the fuck did we even have?
haha
i saw us as friends first, and nothing else really
and friendships mean the world to me
and if you really cherished our time together
said it’s been a very long time since you’ve had such a good time with anyone
then how the fuck could you do that to me?
drop me like i was never once in your life
ghost me
like i never mattered
when i could tell you were fucking invested in me
at one point
like you were ALMOST IN LOVE
and suddenly i’m nothing
i just don’t understand.
how are you capable of doing that?
i never imagined this from you
and then i find out you’re bringing some other girl home
to meet your family
the way you first brought me back
and i hope you regret investing your energy in her
because she’s emotionally unavailable
and she’s only going to play you
but oh
you’re not looking for a relationship either, right?
then good for you
i hope you have a good time
i disregarded the perfect woman for me
for you
in a moment of clouded judgment
and while i still don’t regret my time with you
i regret hurting the love of my life
because what you fucking did to me is irreversible
unforgivable
i don’t care if you try to reach out to me
i won’t respond
you don’t deserve it
and i’m trying to lead my best life
with the woman of my dreams
and that isn’t you.
it never will be you.
you’ve hurt me in every lifetime
shown me how big of a karmic you are
brought me lessons
that i learnt
but you DIDN’T
and i hope you suffer
from the inner work you choose to avoid
all the emotions and vulnerability you constantly
overlook on purpose
resulting in a you that never learns these lessons
after gaining clarity
i can see why our attraction was so strong
because we’re both karmics
and you know what they say about karmics
it feels like you’ve connected with your true love
it’s a connection so magnetizing
so captivating
only because it never lasts
and i knew that
but i should have known better
didn’t have to put myself through this
now i have to bear the consequences of my actions
erase the memories you left in every corner of my mind
but i’m getting there
i’m proud of myself for getting my life back on track
grateful i was given a second chance to make things right
happy to have my life back again
and i hope my soul never meets yours again
in the next lifetime
and the lifetime after that
because this is where it ends.
— end.