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Jinshi found a plea to the Emperor for a marriage between a noble and a commoner on the fifth scroll he'd opened that day. Instead of putting it aside to deal with later, or handing it to another secretary more suited for the job, he took the paper in his hands and imagined ripping it to shreds without a single care. A series of knocks on the door brought him back to reality as he set the paper down to look at the next one.
Another marriage proposal.
He was going to strangle someone. Or anyone who walked into his room next, really. There was too much to do and so little time and everyone had their expectations, and so much more.
A loud groan reverberated through him, followed by a resounding smack of his head on his desk. It was a miracle that there wasn’t a mark on his forehead from how many times he’d done it today alone. Another set of knocks, firmer this time, prattled on and he yelled out that whoever it was could come in without caring who it was.
As he was forcing himself back to the mountains of paperwork, Gaoshun walked in. From the look on his face, Jinshi knew he wouldn’t like the next words coming out of his mouth. He glanced back down, feigning being productive for once since the day started when Gaoshun stopped in front of his desk.
“Master Jinshi, my dearest apologies for this intrusion,” he said, and Jinshi already knew the uplay in formality was a ploy. Growing up with his attendant lent him the almost innate ability to read him after all. “I’ve gotten word my wife and grandkids haven't been feeling too well. You know the sickness passing around this time of year, no?” As soon as he nodded, Gaoshun continued. “My son isn’t able to take care of them at the moment, so I was hoping you’d be kind enough to allow me a week off to—“
“You know you don’t have to explain yourself to me, Gaoshun.” Jinshi hadn’t meant to cut him off, but the nervous rambling he rarely saw on Gaoshun put him on edge. “I’ve known you since my days of crying over toys. You always complain about wanting to see the grandkids anyhow.” He turned away as he spoke, ignoring the rising feelings of petty hurt as he thought about how deeply Gaoshun cared for his family.
“I’ll make sure your work for the next week is manageable enough without me. Thank you again, sir.”
Gaoshun’s thanks barely reached Jinshi. He watched his attendant walk off, wondering all the while what it would be like to have such a strong bond with someone; having such love for them that you’d drop your duties to take care of them. Or to watch them live their life. It was unsurprising he’d never had that, or gotten any of it being the emperor's brother to the masses and his son in secret. No matter how much love appeared in his life, Jinshi would always be a bystander, never the receiver.
+
Jinshi's father was a man of stability. No matter what, he was always willing to accommodate any change or seize any opportunity he could. In normal circumstances, the consequences of his actions were something he thought little off. Most of the time, that is.
The concubines of the Inner Palace were of four titles. Each with their own politics that the Emperor had to deal with. Jinshi knew his role, to watch them for any errs in their loyalty to the throne, but he couldn’t help but notice everything… else .
It was obvious to everyone that the Emperor was fondest of his Precious Consort Gyoukuyou. Some said it was because she survived with his ‘first child’—Jinshi laughed to himself every time he heard that—while others touted previous lives, political ties, and everything under the sun.
While Jinshi couldn’t fault those whispers exactly, he couldn’t help but wonder just how true they were. Yes, the Emperor cared for Consort Gyokuyou, but how much of it was authentic? How much was for the body he loved to brag about to a grimacing Jinshi when he’d have one too many glasses of shaojiu?
Consort Lihua was a different story. He’d seen the distant look in the Emperor’s eyes when he heard the news of yet another child dying. The desperation in his gaze when he tasked Maomao (and subsequently Jinshi) with bringing The Wise Consort back to her former health went unnoticed by neither party. Though Lihua was only the Emperor's second favorite following Gyokuyou, the utter care he held for her was undeniable.
The Emperor’s absolute distaste of his fathers ‘preferences' relieved Jinshi of an unknown tension on his shoulders when Virtuous Consort Lishu arrived. Her innocence was almost alien within the Inner Court, her youth only exemplifing it. Something about the girl invited Pure Consort Ah-Duo's presence in a way Jinshi knew made the Emperor envious.
Despite this envy, Jinshi knew Ah-Duo and Gyokuyou couldn’t compare within the Emperor’s eyes. One was a companion who’d been with him through thick and thin, who Jinshi knew held true care for the emperor as well. The other was a political pawn who knew her place and made sure she kept it well.
Ah-Duo's care was rarely seen outside of the Emperor's visits, though that changed when Lishu arrived. The motherly mask she donned with Lishu reminded him of what he could never have. Jinshi avoided them when possible if he knew they would be together. He could handle Lishu and Ah-Duo together, rare as it was. Seeing one’s failed dreams all but taunt them wasn’t fun though, and Jinshi knew the feeling all too well.
There were nights with Ah-Duo that Jinshi loved to recall; spending the evening drinking more than he could handle and barely speaking. What could be said between them was left silent, and it was in those dark hours that Jinshi longed for an almost normal life—or the closest he could get to given his stature. One where Ah-Duo didn’t give him lingering glances or the shadows of a mother's touch. It would seem that those nights would call the Emperor, as he’d find them and on rare occasions, join them. The lingering looks between Ah-Duo and his father were something Jinshi could hardly forget.
But of course, The Emperor had his duties to fulfill. And Jinshi knew he couldn’t have it any other way, try as he might. When he informed Ah-Duo of the Emperor's decision, she complied without a sound. Her farewell was everything he expected it to be, down to Lishu crying for the retired consort. Well, her fall wasn't expected, but the sentiments were. When Jinshi glanced at the Emperor then, he hadn't expected the look of utter longing on his face. It took little willpower for Jinshi to force his eyes away.
The look filled him with the same hurt as Gaoshun's reason for leaving. It made sense then, if Jinshi wanted to fall asleep and not wake up. But maybe Maomao could come up with a cure for him. The thought soothed his aching heart, and for a brief moment, Jinshi thought not of being a bystander but rather walking toward something so close to his reach.
+
On his rare days off, Jinshi liked spending them ‘bothering’ Maomao as she did her duties. Gaoshun would always be busy for some reason or another, so it made sense for Jinshi’s fondness for said days to grow.
It was everything he wanted, no, everything he needed them to be. His comfortable sheets, Suiren watching over him, Gaoshun unable to interfere with his duties, and Maomao there to witness it all.
They used to be everything, and then, they weren’t.
The rise of an unknown illness had kept the joke doctor busy, which in turn, kept Maomao busy. All of Jinshi’s attempts to spend his rightful time with her were thwarted by Gaoshun, Consort Gyokuyou, or Maomao herself. Try as he might, Jinshi couldn’t get rid of the stinging feeling every time Maomao shooed him out.
He took to wandering the inner palace after the fifth time, claiming to Maomao he wouldn’t give up until she said yes. She rolled her eyes at him, but he liked to think she was doing it out of fondness.
Jinshi was a dreamer. Such a big one in fact, that he was brought back to reality with a crash. With a yelp, he fell face-first into a field of plants, and with no witnesses, he was willing to stay like that until an idea came to him.
Of course, as he rolled over, he remembered Maomao’s excited voice as she spoke of the medicinal plants she’d found and planted within the palace grounds. Her hands had been calloused to a point he’d never seen before, and before he knew it, Jinshi was off the ground hoping to catch his thoughts before they ran from him.
The amount of things Maomao valued over her life—some of which Jinshi found truly questionable—wasn’t that high. The top items on the list had any and everything to do with poisons. Jinshi shook his head as he looked down at the field, noting some plants that were blooming. He reached to pick them up but stopped only a few centimeters from the plant.
It probably wasn’t the best idea for him to pick up a most likely poisonous plant without protection unless he was Maomao. And then, his idea finally formed.
His day, it seemed, would be completed with his due Maomao time after all.
Jinshi caught Maomao on her rare lunch break outside. He tried to act like it wasn’t the first one she'd taken. If his calculations were correct, she’d only been feeding herself off the treats he’d given her throughout the days before squarely kicking him out.
There were only a few steps ahead of him before he reached Maomao. Her back was turned to him, and he took the rare chance to admire her in such a serene manner.
Her green hair was shining in the sun, styled in its usual twin ponytails. Jinshi wanted to reach out and tug them—he stopped himself from thinking any more thoughts. Yes, her back was to him, but there was beauty in all of her.
What was going on with his thoughts? He shook his head in an attempt to clear his mind, only to come face to face with Maomao herself.
“I can hear you thinking from here. Please stop,” she said, giving him a once-over. “Before you give yourself a headache. I don’t have the herbs for such ailments.”
Pointedly ignoring the glare she was giving him—and smiling at her comments—Jinshi produced the plants he’d picked. He didn't linger at her gaze as he held the basket full of their food.
It took Maomao all but three seconds to follow Jinshi as he walked backward with the items in hand. He’d have felt almost pitiful for her if she hadn’t been so downright adorable.
Their walk was all but twenty or so paces, as Jinshi had sought out a secluded part of the palace. He stepped aside, letting Maomao survey his immaculate setup.
A blanket was placed over the grass, with the rest of the plants placed around. Dangerous? Probably. But was it worth it for the look of happiness on Maomao’s face? Absolutely.
Her eyes were shining so bright that Jinshi was sure this memory would be the last one in his head before he slept for many nights to come.
“When did you do all of this?” She said, heading to sit down.
Jinshi watched as she did so. “I made time. You decided to shut me out today but,” he paused, wondering if his next words were too much before scrapping them entirely. “I’m due for my Maomao time, no?” His voice got quieter as he spoke, a sudden burst of shyness coming over him. Thankfully, Maomao hadn’t noticed, too busy fawning over the herbs Jinshi had picked. I just couldn’t accept that you'd leave me lingered on his lips and in his head as he continued watching her.
She was all but cradling them, making fond expressions every once in a while. Watching her act so in love almost made Jinshi sick. Flashes of his father and the consorts breezed by his mind unbidden. When those passed, Gaoshun’s face when thinking or talking about his wife plagued him.
Maomao had almost the same look in her eyes. Almost, because the one thought comforting Jinshi at the moment was that she couldn’t love the plants, like how the others loved. No matter how much she tried they wouldn’t be able to reciprocate. Not like him.
He stood there with that lingering thought before placing the food down. Searching for a distraction from his wayward thoughts, Jinshi fixed up Maomao’s plate first, his following suit. She watched, nodding at him when she grabbed her plate. Her first bite was quiet, with her signaling to Jinshi that he could eat.
“I used to have my life planned through the milestones of herbs I’d find.” She started, nearly causing Jinshi to choke on his food. The sparkle in her eyes had yet to fade. “When I ran out of plants in the city, I’d come to terms with my life ending. Now though, there’s so much more in store for me. You bribe me with the rarest beauties,” Jinshi ignored the way she smiled at this. “And I’ve even come close to the resurrection plant. I don’t think I’d have it any other way.”
To his credit, Jinshi didn’t choke on his food or the lump in his throat when she said that. Instead, he swallowed, took a deep breath, and looked Maomao in the eye. This was all while ignoring the fact that she kept looking at him with that gorgeous gaze, and Jinshi knew he was a weak man but—
Despite the thoughts swirling in his mind, he focused on one thing. “I'm glad the palace has exceeded your expectations.” He looked at her then, noting the fact that the green in her eyes matched those of the leaves around them. “Here’s to hoping your life is as long as mine.”
When he glanced back at her, Maomao had a blank look on her face. Experience had told Jinshi it was best to not egg her on to speak. It was all he could do to force his gaze away from her lips as she stayed silent.
In lieu of responding, she turned from him, playing with the plants he’d spread around. If Jinshi hadn’t been a spy for Emperor Ka for almost all his youth, he wouldn’t have heeded the nervousness in her movements. He wanted to savor that moment for the rest of his life.
“How did you know about the plants?”
Her question almost startled him. He smiled wanly, offering nothing but a short “I’ve watched you obsess over certain areas in the palace.”
The dead stare she gave him was a warning, one he didn't register in time. He ducked as she threw an empty plate at him missing what he assumed to be his head. For all he knew, Maomao would never hurt him, but the plate might as well hit him for all she cared. His chuckles were barely heard over her mutters of the palace needing better security because of those like him.
+
Finally retired for the night, Jinshi lay on his bed, repeating a routine he knew all too well. Prepare for bed, lay down, think for hours on end, and then somehow close his eyes just to wake them up far too early. It was all he knew.
Tonight though, his thoughts took a different turn.
Gaoshun had returned from visiting his grandkids, with an evident bounce in his step that couldn’t be missed. He was smiling at times he usually wouldn’t, and even Jinshi could tell his thoughts were on his trip. Seeing such happiness radiating off of Gaoshun for no apparent reason was unnerving.
When Jinshi brought it up with him earlier that day, Gaoshun had looked at him incredulously before muttering something about Maomao. He ignored the surge of happiness at hearing her name, internally vowing to get the answers he wanted. Pestering for information was nothing new to him, but he became distracted by a lovely sight that caught his attention.
The Emperor had walked past with Consort Gyokuyou and little Lingli surrounding him. No one could’ve missed the genuine smile on the Emperor’s face, nor the loving gaze Gyokuyou gave him and their daughter. It almost made Jinshi’s heart pang with a bittersweetness for Ah-Duo.
Even Maomao had brushed by them all, a smile on her face as she held a plant he didn’t recognize. He would’ve called out to her had Lingli not done so first. It didn’t take a trained eye to see the utter adoration Maomao held in her gaze for the plant as she explained it to her. She hardly got to speaking about its negative effects when The Emperor swooped in to take Lingli for her nap. Jinshi had watched as Maomao smiled as the couple retreated.
She had smiled .
It was because of that damned plant. For all the love surrounding the palace, it seemed Jinshi was always on the viewer's side. Always a witness but never experienced, no matter how much he wished otherwise.
His eyes were drooping, and all he could think of before slipping away for the night was whether Maomao would ever smile at him the same way because it was him and not some plant. Maybe, if he searched hard enough, he'd be able to find a plant that she could use to cure his ailment.