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Jamie was suppose to be Tyler’s forever. He was suppose to be there when they won the Stanley Cup for the first time, when they decided to finally take the plunge and get married or when they retired and starting adopting babies. But, like usual nothing ever goes Tyler’s way.
They’re playing the fucking Bruins of course. He knows the Bruins are a rough team, he should know he only won a Stanley Cup with them. Jamie is taking the ice rushing to get the puck he passes it off to Spezza and thats when Tyler sees Rinaldo headed right for Jamie he gets up and screams to warn Jamie but then its too late. Rinaldo is shoving Jamie right into the boards you could hear Jamie’s head crash hard into the glass and see Jamie crumble down onto the ice.
Tyler stood there in complete shock just frozen in place watching as Jamie lies there on the ice not moving the refs blow the whistle and he wants to go out there so bad to see if he is okay. He sees Dave head out onto the ice getting to Jamie as quickly as he could. Tyler couldn’t take his eyes off Jamie waiting for some kind of reaction from him.
Dave finally gets him up and Tyler is making his way over to the side they are headed to. The period is almost over anyway he heads takes Jamie’s other side and helps him back into the trainer’s room. Dave doesnt even get a word in because Tyler is grabbing Jamie by his face and tilting his head towards him
“Jamie are you okay? What hurts? Please talk to me.” Tyler is saying with desperation
Jamie’s eyes are distant its like hes looking at Tyler but not really. Dave is pushing Tyler away stepping in front of Jamie telling him to follow his finger and Jamie just cant he rolled his eyes and closes them groaning.
Dave shakes Jamie’s shoulder “Hey Jamie stay awake for me okay?”
Jamie’s eye lids slowly open back up “Jamie we’re going to get you to the hospital.”
Tyler cant believe whats happening right now he looks over to Dave for some kind of answer. He just shakes his head “It could be a concussion but it could not be. We need to get him checked out by the doctors. Go change and you can ride to the hospital with us.”
At this point Tyler doesnt care about the game, they all know that him and Jamie are together and they have to know that he isnt leaving his side until he knows Jamie is okay.
***
Jamie didnt make it to the hospital, Tyler heard shouting while he was back in the locker room changing as fast as he could. He runs back into the trainer’s room seeing medical staff doing CPR on Jamie. He wasnt breathing.
Tyler was frozen, tears falling down his face. He starts forward going towards Jamie when he was grabbed by Lindy. He didnt even notice him being there. Tyler did everything he could to get out of his hold crying and screaming with desperation “Jamie! Wake up! Dont fucking leave me like this!! I love you Jamie please!!!” Jamie isnt waking up and the medical personnel are calling the time of death. Lindy pulled him back away from the room. Tyler cant stop crying and saying Jamie’s name over and over. He keeps staring at nothing he can hear Lindy try to talk to him but he registers none of it.
His other half the person who taught him how to love and be loved. The person that showed him there was more to life than partying. He was alone now.
He could hear talking outside the locker room that is what his thoughts were focused on. He could hear the medical staff leading paramedics down to the trainers room where he knows Jamie’s lifeless body is laying. He’s numb, he cant feel anything, at some point the boys came back into the locker room. All questions as to what is happening Jordie at the front of them very aggressively “Where the fuck is Jamie? Why haven’t we been told anything.”
Everyone looks at Tyler and it starts to hit them. Before anyone could say anything Lindy speaks up “Can everyone please sit down and I will give an explanation of what has occurred. Jordie go with Dave please.” He says Jordie walking out with Dave. Ruff turns back to the group. “Okay, I know we have a tough group of guys in here, and I know that we can find a way to get through this im sorry to say that Jamie’s injury was worse than what we thought. It was more than a concussion. He didnt make it.” Ruff says as sorrowfully as he could. He isnt experienced with something like this.
The room was quiet. No one was speaking, Tyler couldnt look up at anyone. He just started crying again along with others. There were multiple tears being shed and Tyler didnt need to look up to know that. They all lost their captain, but more than that they lost a friend. They were all shaken up when they heard a loud scream down the hall. No doubt it was Jordie just finding out the fate of his own brother, he doesnt end up coming back.
Lindy was coming back into the room most of the guys were dressed and still not talking waiting for some kind of direction of what was going to happen next. “Okay boys, tomorrow we are going to hold a press conference. If you feel like not showing up no one is going to fault you for it. We sent Jordie home already we are going to get ahold of his parents and figure out funeral arrangements. Please, if any of you are too upset to drive or if you need someone to lean on call me or any Stars personnel. We all need each other right now in the time. Go home and get some rest everyone.”
All the guys get up to leave but not before going over to Tyler hugging him and asking if he needs anything to call them. The truth is Tyler doesnt want to talk to anyone. He doesnt want to go home where not even 24 hrs before Jamie and him were in the kitchen making breakfast laughing together. That thought alone makes him tense up. He knows he has to go home even though he is so numb with sadness he has to take care of his responsibilities. He has to go home to his dogs. He doesnt know how he got home he doesnt even remember getting into his car or pulling into his garage. Once he gets inside he cant spare a glance at anything. Marshall and Cash greet him at the door their tails wagging they dont even have a clue. They must have sensed something was wrong because they started whimpering and going back to the door. Tyler started crying again. He wish he didnt feel like he had to deal with this alone, but none of the guys would understand how much he lost. He cant call Jordie, he has to grieve the only way he knows how.
***
Tyler is on his 5th shot of Jack, he is alone in his house getting drunk because he doesnt know how else to face this. He cant count how many times he has done reckless things but this is going to definitely be one of them. He has done 8 shots now. And hes really feeling it. Hes feeling it so much that he starts hearing his name.Tyler, oh he knows that voice. But there is no way its actually him. He keeps hearing it though “Tyler, why are you doing this?” Okay that freaks him out a little bit. Hes looking around and trips onto the floor. “Fucking shit!” He screams pounding his fist against the tiled floor “Fuck you Jamie! Fuck you for leaving me! We were suppose to get married! Ive never been excited to marry anyone before! Just fuck you!” He yelling into the air thinking that maybe it wasnt a hallucination maybe Jamie was actually here looking over him.
Tyler struggles to balance himself enough to get up off the floor. When he looks up he swears he sees Jamie’s smiling face and his big eyes that he has loved over the past year. “Oh god, im seeing shit now. This cant be happening.”
Tyler decides its time to try and get some sleep and deal with his problems in the morning. He crawls himself up to the master bedroom takes his clothes off with no grace and climbs into bed. Looking over to the side that used to occupy Jamie. Jamie was laying in that spot this morning. Smiling over at him when he woke up, kissing him good morning. Tyler cant stand it, he grabs the pillow from Jamie’s side and pushes his face into screaming at the top of his lungs. No one could hear him scream his frustrations and sadness into this pillow that still had Jamie’s shampoo scent on it. Tyler breathes it in knowing this will be the last time he will ever get to.
***
The next morning he wakes up hungover, trying to wake himself up but the sun is shining through the blinds and without even thinking he says “Jamie go close the blinds would you?” And thats when he stops and looks over and Jamie’s side of the bed was still empty. He cant believe this, he thought it was all a dream. That it didnt really happen.
Tyler is crying again, in the shower he cant get Jamie’s smile and face out of his head. He also cant get out of his head the image of Jamie lying there motionless on the ice, in the trainers room when he was just looking into nothing.
He gets a phone call when he gets out of the shower, its his mom. He wonders if he should ignore it or not. He has no interest in hearing sympathy even from his own mom. After the fourth time of her calling he finally picks up “Mom, I really dont want to talk.”
His mom ignores him and goes into rambling “Tyler, I just heard the news hunny. Im so sorry I know you loved him. Im coming down tomorrow morning, ill be there and i’ll help you get through this.”
Tyler thought he was done crying although how could he its only been a day since it happened. He lets out a sob “Mom its only been a day and I miss him so much. I cant even be in this house, everything reminds me of him. I dont know what to do. I dont know if I should talk to Jordie to help because we both lost him and we both loved him.” He stopped to take a deep breath and to try to calm his tears.
“You should try to call him or go over to his house. You both are probably feeling the same thing right now. All you can do is reach out to him, and be there for each other.”
Tyler hangs up with his mom staring at his phone, thinking he should make the call.
***
It takes a few hours, he missed the press conference there was no way he could have made it through that without having a breakdown in front of the entire public. It turned out that after the hit to the head Jamie his brain was swollen causing him to have a cerebral aneurysm.
He has gotten alot of texts and calls which he took none, only his teammates, close friends and family knew about him and Jamie being together. By now everyone has found out that the love of his life is no longer here.
He finally gets the courage to call Jordie to talk to him the phone rings three times before Jordie picks up. “Hey Seggs.” His voice is very scratchy you can tell that he has been crying and screaming.
Tyler swallows back a lump that he didnt know was in his throat “Jordie, I just wanted to check in on you. See how you are doing?”
“Well, I think I finally stopped crying and hour ago. I talked to Mom and Dad last night they are flying in today to make funeral arrangements.” He lets out a sobbing laugh “I dont even know how to feel right now. This is just hard to believe that he is actually fucking gone and its because of that fucking Rinaldo kid I swear to god im going to kill him!”
“Jordie stop, listen I loved Jamie too. But talking about killing someone is taking it too far. Jamie would be pissed at you for talking like this. I miss him so much Jordie, I kept hearing him last night. I could barely sleep at all in our bed. I dont even know how I am going to get through this. But Jamie would want us to get through this together. I love you like a brother just please dont do anything stupid please I need you here with me not rotting in jail for murder.”
Tyler could hear Jordie sigh and its like he could hear all the anger come out from it. “Its okay Segs, everything is going to be okay ill always be here for you even with Jamie not being here anymore. Your still my brother. I love you bro. I have to go though my mom is calling. Call me if you need anything.”
Tyler hangs up with Jordie feeling some relief of tension that he has been feeling every since yesterday. He still feels broken inside he is hoping that he can get through the next couple of days without turning to alcohol or drugs to help him.
***
Unfortunately it doesnt happen. Its the fourth day without jamie and Tyler is just waking up from his cocaine and alcohol haze. He still feels like shit, and doesnt believe there is any hope for recovery at this point. Today is the funeral, Tyler’s Mom tries to help him out but there is just nothing. He feels empty and lonely, he doesnt care about anyone. He keeps seeing Jamie everytime he is in his hazes and maybe thats why he wants to do it.
He has to sober himself up enough to go and try to keep himself from falling apart more than he already has. His mom has to beg him to go get a shower and get dressed to get ready for the funeral.
When he is in the bathroom its the first time since Jamie’s death that he looked at himself in the mirror, his eyes are sunken in and bloodshot from the lack of sleep, he has a pounding headache that he has been feeling since last night. He hasnt gotten a shower in almost 3 days. His life is a mess, he has been pushing away his teammates his friends and his mom to try and cope with the loss thinking that they would just make him feel worse about it.
He finally is dressed in a suit and headed back downstairs where his mom and his sisters were crowded around the dining room table already dressed and waiting on him. The all get up and come to give him hugs patting him on the back as they head out to pile into the car.
Tyler cant look at any of them in the eye, he doesnt want to see the pity. His sisters and mom loved Jamie. They always told him how they cant wait to get married and for Jamie to officially be their brother. Jamie always would come over during the summer to spend time with his family, come to the barbecues, play in the pool with them either dunking them or tossing them for fun. It was always a good time with Jamie around his smile lit up the room and he always provided everyone with a lot of happiness.
When they arrive at the church most of his teammates were already there huddled around outside talking with each other giving each other hugs. Tyler really doesnt know if he can face them. But, he has to be strong. He has to get through this because he knows if he leaves now no one will ever forgive him, the Benn family or Jamie himself.
He gets out of the car and sees Sharpy headed right towards him “Hey Ty!” he says wrapping Tyler up into a tight hug “I havent heard from you in a couple days.”
Tyler doesnt really know how to explain what he has been doing to cope with all this so he just replies “I know im sorry just been trying to deal with this in my own way.” Sharpy nods his head and wraps his arm around his shoulder to drag him over to the rest of the boys.
Both Jasons, Fidds, and Cody were standing together with sorrowful looks on their faces all look up at Tyler when they see Sharpy pulling him over. Tyler gives a sympathetic smile because he doesnt really know what else to do at this point. They all have said their sorry for your loss speeches already. But, it confuses him because he isnt the only one that lost Jamie. They all did. Jamie was everyone’s friend he couldnt think of a person that hated him, unless of course they were on the opposing team.
“Should we head in?” Sharpy breaks up the silence. The guys nod and start to head into the church. Sharpy’s arm still wrapped around Tyler’s shoulders like he is going to run away, which is smart because he feel like he might just do that.
They get inside and Tyler can see the coffin at the head of the church where he knows his lovers body is lying, lifeless as it could be. And he cant, he just cant look at it. He can see the top of it open to reveal his face to everyone. Tyler’s heart starts to race his legs going numb he looks around for his mom and sisters trying to locate them. He pushes Sharpy off of him and he runs towards his mom to hug her and he starts to cry.
He doesnt care if he seems weak anymore. His mom holds onto him as they walk up towards the front, he sees the whole Benn family standing there greeting everyone who is here to pay their respects. When it gets to his turn his mouth goes dry he runs out of words to say. But Jamie’s mom pulls him into the biggest hug and holds him tight.
“Tyler, im so sorry I know how much you two loved each other and even though I know my heart is broken, I know that yours is broken 10 times as much. This might not be the place or time for this but I think he would have wanted me to give this to you.” She pulls out a box that had a letter attached to it. He takes it from her and gives her another hug “Im sorry Mrs. Benn, I felt like I could have done more to help him and I wish I didnt feel so helpless in all of this.”
She shakes her head at him “Dont ever think that way Tyler, if you ever need anything from us. Any of us (she points at all of them) please dont hesitate. Your still apart of this family.” She smiles at him and he tries to give one back to her. He realizes he hasnt looked over yet at Jamie. Trying to put it off, but when he does his heart sinks. It was worse than what he thought it was going to be. Jamie was laying there his hair slicked back like he usually had it with a slight smile on his face in his hand was his favorite hockey stick and around his neck were the two gold medals he won with team Canada one from the Junior Championships and the other from the olympics.
Tyler didnt know what overcame him but he walked up to the coffin and layed his hand on top of Jamie’s he felt nothing. He doesnt know what he was hoping for that maybe Jamie would wake up maybe Jamie would grab his hand and say it was all a big joke. But, none of that happened. Tyler smiled down at him and whispered “I love you, you jerk. You’ll always be my captain.”
He turns around and walks back to his seat feeling something warm inside of his chest. He could have sworn he felt something on his shoulder while he was up there and he kind of wants to think that it was Jamie telling him that things were going to be okay even if he wasnt there anymore.
***
One Year Later
Tyler gets up around 9:00 am, he has a calendar notification on his phone telling him what day it was. He sets down his coffee and heads upstairs to get dressed.
He dresses up in a gray short sleeved shirt and black shorts. He goes into the bathroom and looks himself in the mirror scratching at his beard and decides to shave it off. Feeling fresh he grabs the keys and whistles for the dogs to follow him out to the car.
It takes about 30 minutes to get to the cemetery. He takes a deep breath and gets out of the car bringing the dogs with him to the spot where they buried Jamie a year ago. His parents wanted him to be buried here because as much as he loved it in Victoria this is the place he called home with Tyler.
Tyler brought flowers with him to replace the ones that he put there on Jamie’s birthday. He bends down to clean up the weeds that have started to grow around the tombstone. and sits next to it. He rubs his hand over Jamie’s name and starts to cry. He always thinks to himself that he is over crying for Jamie, but that is never the truth.
Marshall and Cash are laying next to him resting their head on his lap. Tyler sighs “Hi babe, I dont know if your still with me or not. I havent felt anything for awhile. Its been a year since we lost you, and im not saying its all better now but its bearable. The boys miss you alot some of them still talk about you. Marshall and Cash especially miss you, mostly because you spoiled them when I wasnt around. I really miss you, but you know that. I miss laying there after well you know, and talking about our future like we had one. I miss the smile that you had on your face everytime I would walk into the room. You might not have thought I saw that but I did and it always lit me up inside. I really miss playing with you. Hockey hasnt been the same without you. I finally came out to the public.”
He takes a deep breath before continuing on. “I never opened the box your mom gave me from you. But, I brought it today because I thought maybe it would be more special to me since you being gone is not longer fresh.” Tyler takes out the box that has been haunting him for so long. And begins to open it when he does he lets out a sob, inside the box was a ring that had a silver band with a green and black pattern in it. Tyler is speechless. Jamie was going to ask him to marry him at some point. He opens up the letter next.
Dear Tyler,
Im writing this letter just in case I dont have the words to say to you when I ask you to marry me. This point in our lives im ready to take the next step with you. We have been through so much together in the past couple years, and it made me realize how much I want to spend the rest of our lives together. I want to grow old with you watch our children grow into adults and hopefully give them some life lessons that we have learned on our way through adulthood. I want to spoil our grandchildren by giving them lots of sugar and then sending them back to their parents. But more importantly I want to be the one you call your husband. I love you so much Tyler you have no idea how crazy I am about you. So, will you please marry me?
Tyler cant stop crying. He slides the ring onto his finger and turns to the tombstone “Of course Jamie I will marry you.” He tucks the note into his pocket and stands up its about to start raining and he has to head back to the car. He stops to say one final thing before leaving. “By the way Jamie, I hope you like the way I look today because you told me you liked me better 5 years ago.” He smiles and walks away.