Chapter Text
What an idiot. As Simon was scouring the different restaurants of the area on his laptop, one revelation dawned on him. All of this looked disgusting.
Not because it was, but because once more he had forgotten one crucial aspect of vampirism. Real food is ew territory unless you took months to train yourself to eat again.
He really was the worst vampire ever. A sleep deprived, impulsive and idiot vampire.
Tonight, Raphael expected a full dinner date and Simon could not even look at pictures of food without wanting to barf.
He needed advice. But there wasn’t really anyone to ask because like Clary had jokingly said, he didn’t have many friends in this Shadow World. He had enemies. A girl he could have dated before the whole dating-your-best-friend-and-realising-your-childhood-crush-has-kind-of-expired-and-instead-you-are-gay-for-your-mentory-vampire-friend.
Well, almost-ex or not, Maia was probably not the one to call for dating advice. Or any kind of advice right now.
But. A werewolf could be the answer. Maybe one who has been a father figure to him ever since he became friends with Clary. It’s not like he had never been his love doctor.
“Hi Luke?”
“Hi, kid. Glad to know you’re feeling better.”
“Oh, yes. Yeah, I assumed someone kept you updated.”
“Yes, don’t worry. Raphael always keeps tabs on you.”
Funny he should mention Raphael… But Simon wasn’t sure he wanted to announce it like this on the phone.
“Hey, I was wondering if I could ask you some vampire questions.”
The small silence on Luke’s part was not surprising.
“Are Raphael and you in some sort of fight?”
“Not exactly.”
“Shit, do you need somewhere to sleep? Things are a bit tense right now but I could sneak you in…”
Fuck, he had activated dad!Luke.
“No, no, I’m fine! Raphael and I are fine!”
“Okay.”
“I just… wanted to do some research without him knowing.”
Silence again.
“What are you and Clary up to?”
“No, that’s not…”
“Because if you two think whatever plan you have is genius, trust me it’s not. And last time I checked, the Camilla problem was solved so things were good between shadowhunters and vampires?”
Sometimes Simon just gave up on interrupting Luke’s rants.
“Okay, so none of that. I’m not planning anything with Clary, I am not plotting or anything. I’m just trying to find a way to be able to eat food.”
“Oh, that’s…”
“And I need to be able to do it by tonight.”
“What? Why?”
“I have a date.”
“Oh! Just tell Clary you can’t. I’m sure she already knows.”
“Clary?” Simon was very confused. Oh. “Oh no me and Clary are not dating anymore.”
“What? What happened?”
“So much. I’m not sure how much I can tell you.”
“Jesus Christ, Simon. You need to keep me updated on your life.”
“It’s not my fault that so much has happened in like 3 days!”
Simon soon grew weary of the multiple rants from Luke who simply did not understand why Simon couldn’t just cancel the date with the “random girl he met at a bar”. (Sue him, he wasn’t ready yet to both come out and explain that he was going to date his friend/mentor/boss?/landlord?)
But one big truth came out of this confusing call: it was not possible to learn how to eat (again) in three hours.
As he saw the clock turning, Simon decided he would just make himself look presentable and apologize profusely to Raphael at the pickup and just take him for a walk in the park.
He really was the worst date.