Chapter Text
In heaven, Adam was training with the rest of the exorcists for their attack on the hotel of Lucifer’s stupid b*tch next week. He was so excited he wanted to make sure this one would kill every sinner, hellborn included, in Lucifer’s crap ring. After all, they had killed one of his girls. He is just getting justice. However, “Ugg lute love the speed and the many new weapons we have, but I still don’t think it’s enough to make sure we purge that entire ring,” Adam said, lying on the ground, annoyed.
“Well, sir, unfortunately, it’d take too long to make and train a new exorcist. We’ve already pushed Lucifer’s agreements by shorting the exterminate date, so we can’t extend over the 24-hour limit”, Lute said
“There has to be a way. I want to make this extermination so bloody the vile hell-born in the lesser rings will think fighting heaven is as unbelievable as unicorns on earth, ”Adam said before he got the best idea.
“Wait, Lute, that's it, unicorns,” Adam said, getting up.
“What about them? ''Lute said with a tilted head.
“We can bring them with us to hell for the extermination. They are made with enough holy energy that could erase someone, and they are so bloody thirsty against evil energy that I bet one should be able to kill hundreds of sinners in minutes”, Adam said smugly at how genius he was.
“Interesting idea, sure, but there are some flaws. The unicorns mostly stay solitary in Uriel forest. They won’t allow us to use the unicorns, and even if they did, the unicorns aren’t very fond of us”, Lute said
Adam hated to admit it, but Lute had a point. Sure, unicorns mostly love virgins, and he was far from that, but he was the first man and the exorcist to do their job as protectors of heaven. How could they not be pure enough for the Unicorns? Adam wouldn’t stop, though.
“Like you said, they’re solitary, and we won’t take all of them just enough to help us. Besides, the evils of hell will be way more attractive to them”, Adam said
“Hmm, I like it as long as you’re sure there is no chance the Unicorns will turn on us,” Lute said
“Above all, they listen to virgins, so unless you think there’s a virgin in hell, there's nothing to worry about,” Adam said as Lute laughed at the idea of a virgin in hell.
A week later, the exterminators were in Uriel's Unicorn forest and had just found a herd of Unicorns. The moment they saw him, they got agitated and looked ready to attack. Seeing that Adam quickly opens up a portal to Hell, the herd stopped before they got even angrier as the scent and feeling of sin reached them. With mighty screams, the Unicorns rushed into the portal and onto the streets of hell. While they were doing that, Adam opened another portal to the hotel, as that was their first stop before joining the unicorn in purging the pride ring.
“Alright, b*tches, let’s go show Lucifers’ and Lilith’s failed abortion you don’t f*ck with heaven… Attack!!!” Adam said with a rock and roll drawl at the end.
As the exorcist flew into the secondary portal, they didn’t notice one last Unicorn following them. This one was the oldest/leader the herd had followed into the secondary portal because they had gotten the scent of something pure from the sea of impureness. A smell that could only be described as the scent of cake in raw sewage. It was the scent of a virgin, and the Unicorn wanted to find the source of it.
In Alastor’s opinion, fighting the first man wasn’t his smart choice, but what could he do? Charlie doesn’t have the guts to use her true power and fight him herself, so he could at least distract and kill enough of his forces, so he has to retreat. That was the plan before I got distracted by light, cursed this deer form, and got hit by Adam. With one final word, I was going to let my shadow take me to safety before I was surprised by a giant purple horse with navy blue hair and pink and purple stripes showing up. If the fact the creature seemed to have a horn on its head didn’t surprise me, the fact it started attacking Adam did.
“Ah, what the f*ck, you stupid d*ck-headed horse you’re supposed to be attacking sinners like the edge lord stop it”, Adam said as the creature started using its horn to try and stab the first man.
Alastor knew the smart decision would be to use this opportunity to escape, especially with the wound on his chest, but he was enjoying the show far too much to just leave, so with all his practice as a performer, he schooled himself and watched the show.
Lucifer was working hard on a new duck to distract himself from everything going on. When he was carefully painting a new magic-tactical backflipping rubber duck that sprays water, he was surprised to be interrupted by one of his imp staff.
“I’m incredibly sorry to interrupt Your Majesty, but you need to see this,” the imp said. Knowing it must be important, I followed the imp outside, and my mouth immediately dropped as I could see that sinners were being killed not by exorcists but by Father Damm Unicorns.
“The fuck Unicorns, that idiot first man not only has the guts to speed up the extermination and threaten my daughter, but he also brought unicorns down here to do his dirty work for him,” Lucifer said as his rage brought out his demon form. Lucifer then started his accession to the hotel. Screw the deal, saying he couldn’t interfere. Heaven broke that treaty when they threatened Charlie and brought these unicorns. Lucifer was expecting to get there when Adam was arrogant, and he could knock the first douchebag down a few pegs but was surprised to see that Adam was getting knocked around by a Unicorn. After staring for a moment, not understanding what was going on, I was broken out of my stupor by Charlie’s annoying bellhop.
“Oh, so you finally decide to grace us with your presence, your majesty. Well, apologies, but I don’t think we’ll need your help”, Alastor said with a smirk.
“Excuse me, but I don’t think the person with that wound should dismiss me so easily,” Lucifer said, ticking off at the sinner.
“Just a little scratch that I can handle by myself without you. Similar to how Charlie handled herself without”, Alastor shot back.
“Don’t be so cockney. It won’t be healing without divine intervention, so don’t tick me off”, Lucifer said, giving Alastor’s chest a light nap with his cane that hurt because of the still-fresh wound. Alastor made static to hide the small whimper of pain the hit made, but it seemed the Unicorn could hear it because it stopped its assault on Adam and immediately started charging at Lucifer, who escaped the attack by flying high in the air which annoyed the unicorn. Suddenly, the unicorn opened its mouth and let out a shriek that seemed to echo all over hell and stopped everyone from fighting. After a quiet moment, everyone from sinners to exorcists heard the sound of angry hooves and neighbors. The Unicorn leader had called its herd, and they were now in a protective circle with Alastor in the middle, much to his confusion.
“Alastor, is everything ok? Dad, what is going on?” Charlie said as she and the rest of the hotel gang came onto the roof.
“What the fuck Unicorns. You assholes'', Vaggie standing in front of Charlie protectively.
“Sir, are you alright?” Lute said, cradling Adam’s injured body.
“Do I look alright, you dumb b*tch? That big purple unicorn started attacking me. You stupid animals, you’re supposed to attack sinners, not treat them like they’re your babies”, Adam yelled at the unicorn protective circle as the other exorcist flew closer.
“That is true, Alastor are you doing some weird trick to control them or something?” Vaggie said
“I wish I was, my dear, but I am as in the dark as the rest of you,” Alastor said, entertained by the situation.
Lucifer, who was still in the air, was thinking about why a whole herd of unicorns would be protective over a sinner, especially a sinner like Alastor. Couldn’t they sense the impurity of his soul in every way? He thought about it more till the only possible answer crossed his mind and made him freeze because there was no way it was true.
“No way,” Lucifer said, looking at Alastor.
“What, Dad do you know what’s going on?”, Charlie said, but Lucifer just ignored her and continued looking at Alastor.
“Aren’t you going to answer your daughter, sire? Don’t you think you’ve ignored me for long enough?”, Alastor said. With that, Lucifer blurted out his question.
“Are you a F*cking Virgin?”, Lucifer asked out loud.
“WHAT!!!” the hotel gang, exorcist squad, and 3V’s said, completely shocked as Alastor just tilted his head, confused.
“What does that have to do with this situation?”, Alastor said
“Oh my god, it’s true”, Angel said, laughing as the drone watching everything unfold started glitching.
“Ugg, I shouldn’t have drunk all my good alcohol yesterday”, Husk said, blushing.
“No, no f*cking way. A virgin can’t be in hell. It’s not possible”, Adam said in complete denial.
“You're treating it like it’s a big deal,” Alastor said, annoyed that his chastity was being treated like it was something important.
“Al, it is right now. Unicorns are heaven’s virginity detectors. They are bloodthirsty creatures that eat the hearts of sinners and will only be calmed and listen to virgins ', Vaggie said.
“Hmm, interesting”, Alastor said, coming closer and putting his hand on the Unicorn that saved him from Adam. It just looked at him and allowed his hand to rub its snout and even gave Alastor's face a small lick, which made Alastor smile a bit. Backing up a bit, he stood as tall as he could with his wound and with his microphone pointed at the exorcist, giving one command.
“KILL,” Alastor commanded with that single word, the whole herd rushed toward the exorcist and started attacking.
“Ah sh*t retreat all exorcists fall back”, Adam said, taking to the sky with the remaining exorcists as the unicorn leader gave a final neigh.
“What a show, now who wants to clean this mess up and get some jambalaya?”, Alastor said excitedly as he started walking back to the hotel with the Unicorns following him.
“Oh, no way, Al those things are dangerous', 'Vaggie said sternly.
“Where in hell, dear everything dangerous?”, Alastor said.
“He got a point, Vag’s besides, they did help us”, Angel said, planning to get close and pet one before it poked its horn at Angel.
“That’s only because Al is a virgin, and they like the feel of his purity,” Lucifer said
“Weird hearing someone say Alastor and purity in the same sentence,” Husk said
“Vaggie right, Alastor not everyone in the hotel is a virgin, so we are at risk”, Charlie said.
“Well, it’s not like they're going anywhere”, Alastor said.
“It won’t take long for Uriel to find out some of their unicorns are gone and come for them,” Lucifer said.
“But it will take time. I can’t leave these useful deers out in hell. If they're as dangerous as you say, they’ll cause way more havoc. I can keep them in my bayou. Not to mention it’s not every day you get the opportunity to eat unicorn”, Alastor said
“No, you will not even hurt a single one of them. Adam and the exorcist are one thing, but you do not want to tick off an Archangel”, Lucifer said. Alastor wanted to fight more, but he didn’t think he could hold back from fainting anymore.
“Very well, but I will be taking these creatures to my Bayou ta ta”, Alastor said, walking to his bayou in the hotel. The moment he was alone, he lay down along a tree and thought about everything. Alastor altruist died for his friends hahaha how pathetic. Lost his soul, started caring for a bunch of idiots, and might die because of it. Unbeknownst to him, he was pulling his hair before he felt a poke on his hand and looked to see the Unicorn leader looking sternly at him.
“Ok, I'll stop plucking, my dear. Be free to explore this place but don’t blame me for how unlike heaven it is”, Alastor said before he saw the Unicorn horn glow and felt the heavenly magic from Adam's guitar being sucked out.
“Oh well, thank you, darling. I suppose to thank you for that, I won't eat anyone of your herd, and I'll ask Lucifer what your kind eat.”, Alastor was ready to get up before the unicorn used its horn to push him back to the ground.
“You healed me I’m quite alright now”, Alastor said, and the unicorn stood firm with eyes that said you better rest.
“Alright, you win”, Alastor said as he just sat back to the tree and honestly felt pretty safe with the unicorns, so safe that he fell asleep surrounded by all of them in his bayou.
“Ow, careful b*tch,” Adam said as Lute wrapped up his wounds back in heaven.
“Sorry, sir”, Lute said
“I can’t believe that happened,” Adam said
“If anyone told me a virgin sinner would join up with Lucifer spawn and turn Unicorns against us, I wouldn’t believe it”, lute said
“I still don’t believe it. In this day and age, the pride ring has become so sexualized people are having sex everywhere and all the time. Remember those sinners who decided to have an orgy right on extermination day”, Adam said
“Ugg, don’t remind me. I think one moaned as impaled them”, Lute said in disgust as she remembered that extermination.
“Exactly even if a virgin did go to hell, how the heck would they maintain it? It was just a stupid trick he used to take control of the unicorns. Well, not today bitch. Come on, Lute where going to Sera. Lucifer has a new tactic to control heaven creatures. That should be grounds for war with aid from the archangels and other heaven soldiers”, Adam said as they both went to Sera’s office. They expected to find Sera just sipping tea calmly. Not being yelled at by the Angel of Chastity, Uriel.
“I swear if your genocider angels or that first man did anything to any of my unicorns-” Uriel said
“Yo Sera, what's going on?”, Adam said at both angels' turn to look at him.
“Adam, Uriel was bringing something to my attention that must be a misunderstanding,” Sera said with hope that it was a misunderstanding. “I felt a disturbance in my unicorn forest and rushed over to figure out what it was. That was when I discovered the herd led by Twilight Sparkle-” Uriel said before Adam cut them off.
“You named one of your unicorns Twilight Sparkle. Aren’t you a few million years too old to watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic?”, Adam said
“Adam,” Sera said in warning. Luckily, Uriel just continued.
“-Was gone? I searched, and one of the angels bringing a group of child winners to the unicorn forest said they saw you and your Exorcist flying around. I refuse to believe it’s a coincidence. What did you do, and where are my unicorns?”, Uriel said angrily.
“No, Uriel I'm sure it is a coincidence, and Adam has no idea”, Sera said, but her hopes were dashed.
“Your unicorns are in hell,” Adam said simply, like he didn’t just screw Sera & himself.
“WHAT!!! Why are they in hell? What did you do?” Ureil said as multiple eyes appeared on their form.
“I didn’t do anything. I just recruited them to join in the final extermination”, Adam said, which pissed Uriel off more.
“Yes, the sanction genocide of human souls in hell, and you had the nerve to bring MY unicorns into it”, Uriel said, looking at Sera, who was paling.
“Hey, some hell b*tch killed one of my girls. I wanted justice and needed a way to ensure every demon from that ring would be purged, so I opened a portal to hell so your unicorns would be attracted to the sin and follow us into hell”, Adam said.
“And after they help you, you decide to just come back and leave them in hell,” Emily said, speaking for the first time as Uriel looked ready to punch the first man as Sera started paling.
“We did not leave them there by choice, Your Highness. It is why we are here right now. To bring you information of utmost importance. Lucifer has taken control of the unicorns and turned them against heaven”, Lute said
“What do you mean?’” Sera said, becoming serious.
“I thought unicorns hated anything sin-related. Why would they follow the origin of it?”, Emily said
“Emily is right. Unicorns are resistant, and even if they weren’t, Lucifer has less issue with me than with the other archangels and wouldn’t mess with them”, Uriel said
“Okay, not specifically Lucifer, but one of the souls in Hell did”, Adam said
“How could a sinner control a unicorn?” Emily said
“Good question Emily,” Uriel said as the only possible answer couldn’t be true.
“How is irrevelaavant. This is serious. We have to get the unicorn back as soon as possible if they are being controlled”, Sera said.
“So we have your permission to mobilize,” Adam said excitedly, Sera would have said yes before Uriel interrupted.
“No, you do not”, Uriel said, shocking all the angels.
“With all due respect, Uriel, but hell, brainwashing the unicorns is a big concern. We simply want to snuff out the possibility of hell using them and get them back into heaven”, Sera said
“I don’t think they're being brainwashed. There is one explanation”, Uriel said. A possibility occurs to Emily.
“You mean like the sinner being a Virgin '', Emily said, which Uriel nodded.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Emily. Virgins are given immediate access to heaven. One can’t be in hell”, Sera said
“Yet the unicorn listened to them. I think it’s time to see what’s going on down there”, Uriel said, opening a viewing portal to where the unicorns were and seeing how they were playing in Alastor's bayou or sleeping next to Alastor.
“Is that the sinner?”, Emily, amazed at how the unicorns just surrounded the demon and weren't reacting. She has heard that unicorns used to walk on earth and hurt adventurers, curious enough to get close to them if they weren’t virgins. Even some winners weren’t safe if they got too close. A demon getting that safety was astonishing.
“Why are they not attacking? The sinner just laying there”, Sera said
“They attacked us on his orders. This is more proof hell is going against heaven”, Lute said
“Not necessarily,” Uriel said, summoning a file.
“Say here his sins include murder and cannibalism,” Uriel said
“So we know why he’s in hell,” Adam said.
“Also, besides bloodlust, there is no indication of lust being one of his sins,” Uriel said.
“That’s not good enough proof he died and is still a virgin,” Adam said
“True unfortunately, heaven files on sinners aren't as detailed as the ones Lucifers have. "Let's see how he dealing with this”, Uriel said, changing the image of the viewing portal.
Back in the hotel, Lucifer had just finished helping clean up the exorcist's corpses and fixing what was broken.
“Here, Rosie, your payment for helping us fight '', Charlie said as the cannibals took the Exorcist's bodies.
“Thank you, dear oh the dishes I can cook with angel flesh”, Rosie said, her void-like eyes widening in joy.
“They're going to eat my girl's corpses,” Adam said with anger as Lute looked disgusted.
“Yeah, well even if you did it for food, thank you for helping us”, Charlie said
“You’re welcome. Tell Alastor I look forward to seeing him again and maybe consider bringing his new herd of friends”, Rosie said as she left. Everyone then went to sit in the kitchen and was silent for a bit before Angel broke the silence.
“I still can’t believe it,” Angel said
“Believe what, my effeminate fellow,” Alastor said, showing up out of the blue with Twilight on his tail, woken up from his nap.
“Ah, Alastor why is that thing out?”, Vaggie said
“Well, it was really helpful, so along with promising not to eat any of their herd, I wanted to ask what their kind love to eat”, Alastor said
“Well, besides heaven flora, I’ve heard they like eating the hearts of lustful sinners”, Vaggie said
“Ah, well then you’ll love this by an equestrian friend”, Alastor said, summoning a lump of red meat that weirdly enough had a pulse.
“Wait, Al is that?”, Charlie said, turning green.
“The f*cker is holding a still beating heart”, Adam said, looking sick along with the rest of the angel and hotel.
“When you live in hell and look like I do, sometimes you get a new or stupid soul wanting to try something. Luckily for me, despite my appearance, I’m a predator”, Alastor said, smirking as he held the heart toward the Unicorn, who after a sniff, ate the heart out of Alastor's hand and licked off the blood.
“Ha ha ha, are you sure I can’t keep these delightful creatures?”, Alastor said as the Unicorn smelled Alastor for more hearts.
“Yes, one of the reasons they are isolated in heaven is because when they used to roam the earth, they killed good people that ended up in heaven just for the fact they weren’t virgins,” Lucifer said.
“Which I’m refusing to believe is true,” Angel dust said.
“What exactly makes this such a big deal? You acting like me being a virgin breaks some rules.”, Alastor rolled his eyes, giving Twilight another heart. He had honestly stopped thinking about his virginity. On earth, he figured he hadn’t met the right woman, and in hell, he figured he never would. He never saw the point of having sex just because, either. It’s completely unhygienic to touch the places someone's urine and excrement come out of, and forcing others to wouldn’t be gentlemanly, except for blood, of course.
“Because it f*cking does. Heaven is a bunch of hypocritical stuck-ups with tight rules for who gets in or not, but they have an open-door policy for all virgins, no matter what they do. Trust me, I know it’s stupid. Hundreds of years ago, I had a cult made up of virgins who wanted to save themselves for me when they got to hell. They thought doing sinful things would make them more desirable and finally committed suicide. Not that I wanted them, but I found it weird they didn’t come to my castle begging to give themselves to me like other cultists did and didn’t get their hell files. I asked Sera, and she said they were in heaven because of their good acts of staying pure. Lilith called it the biggest piece of crap she’s ever heard in her life. Point is virgins do not go to hell,” Lucifer said to Alastor.
“Did heaven accept a cult of Lucifer?”, Emily said to Sera.
“They were virgins, Emily and we re-educated them”, Sera said. By that, she meant Heaven mind-wiped them and put them in Adam's exorcist army to keep them away from the more innocent souls.
“But if two people shoot a child and one is a virgin, why are they better than the one who's not?”, Emily said, not understanding.
“Emily's virginity is one way to keep the soul pure alright, please stop questioning. It’s bad enough this sinner somehow got into hell. At Least it was only one mistake”, Sera said before she was proven wrong.
“Well, humanity has gotten worse with time, so I refuse to believe that I'm the only soul to die and still be a virgin”, Alastor said, annoyed. He knew exactly how cruel children could be as a mixed child in the 1900s, and he knew 16-18-year-olds could end up in hell. Hearing that, Lucifer opened a portal to his archive of sinner files and, after a while, pulled out a file.
“Looks like you’re right, you’re not the first, you’re the second”, Lucifer said.
“Okay, another mistake, but e-even a perfect clock is wrong twice a day,” Sera said, eyes in horror quickly as Uriel's eyes darkened more.
“That's not how the saying goes, Sera,” Emily said.
“Say here they were a loser who snapped and went on to kill anyone they saw as inferior, even kids. Died a virgin, but their soul isn’t a virgin anymore”, Lucifer said
“Uriel, please calm down, this other soul has already given up their purity. There's nothing we could do, so we might as well forget about it”, Sera said, trying to pacify the Chasity angel before Charlie asked a question that spelled doom for her and the exorcist.
“You went through all the sinners in hell, including exterminated ones,” Charlie said.
“Oh,” Lucifer said, opening the file again, pulling out more files, making Sera, Adam, and Lute’s mouths go dry.
“Looking like we have a priest who went Claude Frollo whenever he was feeling lust and a woman who wanted to save their virginity for their boyfriend who cheated, leading to them snapping and going on a killing spree. Looks like hell has had a total of 4 virgins. How did I just now learn about this?”, Lucifer said.
“I guess over the years, the angels in heaven have been slacking off. I guess they're similar to you in more ways than one”, Alastor said. Up in heaven, Uriel decided to stop the viewing portal and turn back to the other with a clenched fist.
“Uriel, come on, this changes nothing. If they were bad enough that the purity of being a virgin couldn’t get into heaven, they deserve to be killed. We should focus on the more important facts. Like hell fought back and turned our own against us”, Adam said
“I don’t care if anything it’s your fault for using MY unicorns without My permission. Now, here is what’s going to happen. We are calling all of the heaven leaders and telling them not only of you stealing my unicorns but also of virgins being in hell, and you’re extermination of them”, Uriel said as all the Angels walked out with their heads down.
Back in the hotel,
“I still don’t get something about being a virgin enough to ignore the over 100 years of impurity on his soul”, Vaggie said
“It is also over 100 years of virginity. Unicorns don’t treat all virgins the same. A virgin who just kissed someone is more attractive than a virgin who only touched themselves. They can also feel the circumstances. Alastor is a virgin in hell. A place teeming with sex. The fact you still haven’t had sex in over a century increases your purity level. You might as well be a newborn baby to them. Seriously, bellhop, you have no idea the crapfest heaven’s gonna pull when they find out about you or if the rest of hell find out”, Lucifer said
“Maybe, but I also don’t care, but if it’s such a big deal down here, just stay quiet about it. I’m sure no one here would ever think of exposing such a private thing, right” Alastor said, looking at the hotel gang.
“Of course not, Al”, Charlie said
“I want to forget this whole situation ever happened,” Vaggie said
“I think it’s pointless to make that threat, boss”, Husk said, bringing their attention to the hotel TV tuned into channel 666 with the headlines.
Radio Demon Confirmed a Virgin
In Vee headquarters, Velvette and Valentino were watching how Vox was pacing back and forth with a blushing screen and a noticeable tent in his pants, which disgusted her. Earlier, they watched as Alastor stupidly went up against the first man and got hit.
“Yes, f*ck you, Alastor haha. This is my new masturbation video”, Vox said as he watched Alastor about to retreat like a coward before the Vee’s were surprised that a horned Horse showed up.
“Holy sh*t, is that a unicorn,” Velvette said, taking as many pictures as possible.
“Aren't those heaven creatures why are they attacking Adam before he could finish Alastor off?”, Vox said, annoyed.
“I don’t know, but looks like it’s enough for Lucifer to get out of his palace”, Velvet said as the fallen angel seemed to be talking to Alastor. Velvet didn’t know what Lucifer did, but the moment he touched Alastor, the Unicorn turned to attack him before calling more of its kind and forming a protective circle over the Radio demon.
“Uh, what Voxxy did you know Alastor could control unicorns?”, Valentino asked.
“No, I did not”, Vox said, shocked.
“I doubt he can control unicorns idiots look beyond that stupid smile on his face. He’s just as confused”, Velvette said, making sure to capture this perfectly and listening for any important information. Who would have guessed she’d learn the most shocking news of her afterlife after Lucifer asked his question?
“Are you a f*cking virgin?”, Lucifer asked.
“What!!!” The 3 V’s shouted
“Vox, you knew Al is that true?”, Valentino said
“I don’t know, he never talked about sex with me”, Vox said as his screen brightened and started glitching.
“Stop glitching, Vox I want the perfect image and audio of this”, Velvet shouted to the TV demon. When it was explained what Unicron was, velvet looked it up to see if it was true. When Alastor ordered the unicorn to attack, and the Hotel won, did Vox stop videoing and get up from the couch?
“Alastor is a virgin, A VIRGIN. When we were allies, I figured that I would just be the first man he slept with. If I knew I would be the first person ever, I would have worked harder to get him to join us”, Vox said. On Earth, he always preferred virgins to experienced people. He loved the power he had to teach them all the way their body could be pleasured. He loved knowing that for as long as they lived, whenever they thought of sex, they thought of him. That their future encounters were impacted by what he did to them.
“I would have been more invested in helping you convince Bambi if I knew Voxxy. ”, Valentino said. Many demons had a virgin kink, but you couldn’t fake the confusion and hesitation good enough for people who had f*cked virgins before, no matter how much you tried.
“Stop thinking with your d*icks for one second we have a golden opportunity here. All of hell would be foaming at the mouth for info on Al being a virgin”, Velvette said.
“Oh yes, a movie of a pure virgin, especially the radio demon, would make millions. Looks like you’ll be getting your dream of seeing Alastor get f*cked, Vox”, Valentino said as Vox glared at both of them.
“HE… IS… MINE. No one is going to get a taste of that deer a** before me”, Vox said creepily.
“Calm your circuits. I know how we can use this the moment this is revealed, demons from imp to sin will fight for the right to bed him. Not even he’s strong enough to defeat all of hell, and with how absent the king and how pathetic the princess no one will listen to them. That is when we make our deal. In return for giving an in-depth interview, joining the Vee’s, we'll make sure his first time isn’t too painful and make him a star,” Velvette said darkly, and the rest of the Vee’s smirk.
“I’ll give him all my best drugs that will make it so easy for him to succumb to the pleasure,” Val said, blowing some smoke.
“And we’ll finally be together like we always should have been,” Vox said as he went to post the video and get some relief as he thought about his future with Alastor.
Everyone in the hotel was watching Channel 666 latest news segment by that b*tch Katie killjoy.
“Breaking news about the extermination. Heaven being the sh*T bags, they are decided to make this extermination one to remember by not only doing it earlier but by bringing unicorns into it. I don’t mean the unicorns from MLP. Turns out real life is more terrifying than fiction. Take a peek at the destruction caused by these not-so-friendly creatures”, Killjoy said, showing videos of unicorns spearing and shooting magic at sinners, which greatly amused Alastor.
“We were lucky when they were called away from the city, which is what brings us to the most important part of this news segment”, Tom Trench said, showing the video of Alastor fighting the First Men to him sicking the Unicorns on Adam.
“You saw and heard it right, sinners. With millions of sins known and unknown, it seems Alastor the Radio demon is innocent in one thing. If I didn’t like my men with experience, I would come after him myself, but I guess he’s gonna have enough suitors like every demon in hell enough. Alright, that's enough see you later it’s been your best t.v b*tch Katie Killjoy”, she said, cutting the segment off. After that, it was silent in the hotel before Alastor interrupted
“Well, that was just rude, they didn’t say anything about the hotel fighting against the exorcist army. Worry not, Charlie I will correct that on my radio show later”, Alastor said.
“That’s what you got from that, Alastor”, Vaggie shouted.
“Are you not upset the hotel work wasn’t recognized,” Alastor said
“Not the most important thing at the moment, boss. This is going to spell biblical-level trouble for you”, Husk said
“How so, my good friend?”, Alastor said with a brow raised.
“Uh, all of hell will be wanting to f*ck you. I’m sure people from different rings would come up here for the chance to bed a virgin”, Angel said
“And if they don’t want your virginity, they’ll want to use you in different spells.”, Lucifer said. Heaven got on his case when they got tired of Winner's virgin soul being used as a sacrifice for demon summoning or demons using virgins for potions.
“F*ck, Alastor,” Vaggie said
“Wait, that's it, Fuck. If Alastor loses his V-card, none of this will matter”, Angel said.
“No”, Alastor said, heating some Jambalaya made from sinner.
“All of hell is going to be after you, bellhop. Look, I don’t like you, but if it will avoid the dogfight, I'll have sex with you”, Lucifer said as Charlie blushed, and Alastor looked at the king in disgust.
“And what makes you think I'd ever do it with you?”, Alastor said
“Excuse me, you're looking at the person who bagged the first woman,” Lucifer said insulted.
“When there were no other men and the only other option was a man like Adam. Real impressive feet, sire”, Alastor said as Lucifer looked ready to strangle him.
“Well, I'm sure I could give you a good time and smile. I’ll even do it free of charge”, Angel said
“Haha, like I said before, never gonna happen, Angel”, Alastor said, taking a bite.
“Al, they’ll bring chaos to the hotel,” Vaggie said
“Sounds like fun, and I know being from heaven and living with royalty means you're used to getting everything you want, but you have to grasp that sometimes you can’t.”, Alastor shot back at Vaggie, which caused Charlie to step in.
“Ok, guys, it’s Alastor's choice who and when he sleeps with. We can’t force him”, Charlie said
“No, but there are millions of demons who can. Not even you can fight all of hell, boss”, Husk said.
“Watch me,” Alastor said, tightening his hold on his staff while his shadow had a huge frown. That made everyone quiet, as they could see he wasn’t as confident as he thought he was.
“What's the problem if any bad boys try anything, they’ll have the stabby horses to deal with. I’ll ride them as a knight to protect the roach king,” Nifty said, saluting, which made Alastor give a fond smile.
“Thank you, my dear”, Alastor said as the Unicorn rubbed against him. The hotel knew they couldn’t convince Alastor, so they just wanted to rest after an exhausting day. A few hours later, they heard a knock on the hotel door. Everyone hesitated as it could be someone bringing trouble.
“I suppose I'll be getting the door,” Alastor said, like there was nothing to worry about
“Wait, Al-” Vaggie said
“Ah, Clara Odette what brings you here, my dears” Alastor said
“Who-,” Lucifer said
“They’re the daughters of Carmilla Carmine, the one who supplied us with the holy weapon to fight”, Vaggie said
“Hello, Alastor we wanted to give you this notice that Mother is having a meeting for all overlords tomorrow to discuss the fallout of the failed extermination”, Odette said
“Ah, thank you my deer. This is sooner expected. Why did she send you two? She would normally send a lackey she cares less about”, Alastor said
“Well, like you said, it was fast, and well Mother doesn’t know we’re here because, well”, Odette said
“We wanted to see the unicorns,” Clara said
“Clara,” Odette said, blushing.
“What if we’re shameless enough to want to see the unicorn we should just come out and say it. Can we please one Alastor?”, Clara said
“I don’t see why not, but they aren’t what you expected when you were children. They are much better”, Alastor said deviously, and behind him, Twilight neighed, bringing Clara and Odette's attention to them.
“Om my god, oh my god,” Clara said as Odette had stars in her eyes, and they walked closer, causing Twilight to stomp in irritation.
“Uh, you should be careful; they’re dangerous”, Charlie said
“Now, these girls are quite nice and won’t do anything. Your instincts are impressive, but maybe I should consider training to focus your bloodshed on souls who deserve it. After all, we have the time. Who knows how long before heaven comes for you?”, Alastor said, petting the creature who just focused on him.
“You can come now, girls”, Alastor said, and they did.
“Oh man, I can't believe I was touching a real-life unicorn," Clara said, feeling Twilight's soft fur.
“It is incredible”, Odette said
“Well, thank you again for the invite. Would you also like the weapons your mother supplied us back?”, Alastor said
“Mother said you paid her back by defeating the exorcist. Not to mention how you’re gonna need all the protection you can get”, Odetta said, blushing at the last part.
“Protection, hahaha like I need protection,” Alastor said. The two sisters looked at each other and shrugged.
“If you say so,” Clara said as they both left. The moment the door closed behind them, Vaggie turned to Alastor.
“Do you plan on going out with all of hell wanting to f*ck you,” Vaggie said
“Well, these are great ways to get information, and it doesn’t matter if they want to have intercourse with me they won’t be able to. Now, why don’t I get us started on dinner? I’m feeling like going on a cooking spree,” Alastor said, going to make various dishes of the hotel ethnicities.
“I’ll come to”, Lucifer said, following the radio demon into the kitchen.
“I didn’t know our gracious king would lower himself to cook,” Alastor said
“I’m an angel of creation, so of course I'd love making things. Besides, I'm going to need tons of energy for when your virgin status reaches the lower rings. Ah, is there no way to convince you to fuck. I’m sure Asmodeus would make it worth your while”, Lucifer said, trying one more time.
“Nope. Look on the bright side, you have motivation to do you’re job as king”, Alastor said, smirking.
“Ugg,” Lucifer said, a summoning ingredient for the sweetest and most caffeinated foods in history. After everyone had eaten, they went to sleep as Alastor went to his room. The moment he was in the safety of his bayou, he broke down.
“F*ck F*ck F*ck,” Alastor said, feeling fear for the second time since he joined the hotel. Nearly killed by the first man and became the prize in a r*pe hunt. Damn, his soul owner, and damn him for growing to care for these idiots.
“How am I supposed to fight against all of hell? I am so so f*cked. God, I just know Vox and the damn rat are thinking about having a threesome with me”, Alastor said, digging into his scalp shuttering. He was lucky he turned down Vox's offer and escaped when the piece of sh*t television got too handsy. The idea of having sex repulsed him. He didn’t know why, but it did. He just figured the abuse he got as a child messed with his ability to receive touch. He fixed it by being able to touch as long as he was in control, but he never liked the idea of touch going more than a handshake and hug. Even then, he needed his gloves and clothes not to feel uncomfortable. He didn’t want to, but he felt afraid of being r*ped and that he wouldn’t be strong enough this time. Alastor felt like he could cry before he felt gentle licks coming from the unicorns. It must have been their heavenly aura, but he felt calmer.
“Apologies for the shameful display. I should have remembered. I’m the radio demon. I’ve had sinners try things before and rip their souls apart for it. Nothing has changed”, Alastor said, getting some rest and making plans for tomorrow. The next day, Alastor was getting ready to go to the meeting.
“Are you still sure you want to go out, Smiles? I’ve been monitoring things on the internet, and there are already forums for why you haven't lost your virginity yet. Leading theories are you being impotent, having a micro d*ck, and having such a shameful kink you didn’t want to take the chance of sating”, Angel said
“Yeah, Al, maybe I could go. It could be a good chance to promote the hotel”, Charlie said
“No offense, deer but the political game isn’t something you can do. Besides, I have to show I’m still alive after fighting Adam”, Alastor said
“Do you, though? I think pretending to be dead would be the best thing to do”, Vaggie said
“Yeah, I'm already getting messages from the sins and Paimon about you, Bellhop”, Lucifer said while drinking coffee with tons of sugar.
“That’s your problem, your majesty”, Alastor said, walking out into the horny lion's den.
Alastor regretted not thinking about Vaggie's proposal of letting people think he was dead thoroughly. It was five minutes, and he already killed 30 demons who thought they could jump him. At least he got more hearts for the unicorns. He should have brought some holy weapons with him so demons would get the hint. He was being looked at like he was prey. He hadn’t been given those looks since when he first manifested. He worked hard for his reputation, and it’s going down the drain from the simple fact he hadn’t slept with anyone. It was infuriating. Not to mention what they were saying.
“I heard he could be a tranny. Fits with how they act. God, how it would feel to deflower a p*ssy again”, a demon said with drool.
“I don’t care as long as he has something I could stick my d*ck into,” another said.
“Maybe that's why he is so powerful. Maybe sleeping with him would weaken his powers. You know what I’m going to try”, another said.
Alastor hand tightened on his microphone, ready to rip this arrogant sinner to shreds, before he heard sounds of people running away.
“Good day, Alastor”, Zestiel said, appearing in front of him.
“Ah, greetings Zestiel, you know you chased away a possible meal,” Alastor said
“Mine apologies, yet it wouldn't doth for thou to get too bloody ere the meeting with Carmilla '', Zestiel said walking alongside the deer.
“Yes, you are right. It’s improper manners”, Alastor said. He knew he didn’t have to fear anything from Zestiel. He had never once shown interest in Alastor's body. He was too distinguished. Unlike the other lowly sinners.
“As much as an ungentlemanly topic it is Alastor, yet about the recent beray of thy chastity”, Zestiel said
“Ah, I know people are acting so uncivilized about it. Did you know that our gracious king Lucifer could only find 3 other sinners who fell who were still virgins? Heaven seems to have a favoritism toward them”, Alastor said
“Ah, another discovery of heaven hypocrisy. And yet, that is not the reason I am hither. I hast known 'i the shadows that all 3 of the Vee’s shall be coming to this overlord meeting”, Zestiel said.
“I see, suppose they do need to have a safe face for talking about a big game about fighting heaven but hiding out in their tower”, Alastor said with a smile, but Zestiel looked at Alastor worried.
“I hast also known that the youngest vee hath augmented her load of love potions and contracts of succubus demons. I implore thou to keep care Alastor. Whate'er bridge thou hast formed with thy connection to hell sovereigns might want to be used.”, Zestiel said
“I’ve got it under control. I have more important uses than against a bunch of pathetic demons who can’t keep it in their pants”, Alastor said but took what he said to mind like he always did. They then appeared at the meeting and Alastor went to Rosie.
“Ah, Alastor you must try this child. I used the wings of the given exorcist Angels”, Rosie said, giving the deer a bite.
“Ah, splendid cooking as always Rosie. I’ll be sure to come to cannibal town later to see what else your lovely community has created using the fallen exorcist”, Alastor said.
“Make sure to bring a dish of your own. I’m sure there are a multitude of dishes that could be used with Unicorn meat. Their horns would be great toothpicks”, Rosie said Laughing.
“My dear Rosie, I’m afraid I've gotten quickly attached to the creatures. They are such benign of chaos I couldn’t bring myself to harm them”, Alastor said
“Understandable but I'm sure some of the cannibal children would love to play with them before they might have to leave”, Rosie said as they both sat down as the meeting started.
“Hello, All overlords I-”, Carmilla said before she was interpreted by the door being kicked open.
“Don’t start the party without B*tches”, Velvette said
“Ah it’s rare for all 3 of you to…grace us with your presence at these meetings”, Carmilla Carmine said.
“Well we had a feeling this one would be interesting”, Vox said moving the chair so he was sitting right in front of Alastor staring at him with a smirk. Alastor could feel Rosie glaring at Vox’s.
“Well welcome. First I would like to give thanks to Alastor, Rosie, and the rest of the Hazbin Hotel for their fight against the Exorcist”, Carmilla said
“I may have lost so many good souls in the fight, but I at least gained some great new dishes to try”, Rosie said. Vox opened his mouth before Alastor could speak.
“I get thanking that stupid hotel & the cannibals, but why Alastor? We all saw my video. He was going to run away like a coward if he wasn’t saved by that horse”, Vox said, replaying the video again.
“That's a lot of talk from 3 demons who hid in their tower. What about that full assault plan Deer Velvette talked about last meeting”, Alastor
“Like we would fight with you losers. We would have fought back if you morons had died”, Velvette.
“Yes, well lucky for all of hell we didn’t die and their fate wasn’t up to you 3”, Alastor said, showing all teeth. Before Vox could talk again.
“Alastor played a part not to mention he… helped prevent more destruction across hell”, Carmilla said, showing more pictures.
“This is the destruction caused by the unicorns. There is still holy magic poisoning the areas. If the unicorn hadn’t been called away there would be more issues”, Carmilla said
“Oh well in that case. Thank you Bambi for being a pure virgin. How about I reward you with a good time”, Valentino said using his height to tower over Alastor.
“Ha like I told your spider. Never going to happen”, Alastor said
“And why not Alastor? Is it because you're impotent”, Velvette said, pointing her phone at Alastor. His patient being tested he put work into frying Velvelettes phone.
“Ah you’re paying for that”, Velvette said
“With how cheap they are, do I need to”, Alastor snapped back.
“Back to the topic of unicorns”, Carmilla said not wanting a fight.
“They are locked up and secure at the hotel right Alastor. It would be a big inconvenience if they were let out and sent rampaging across the ring”, Carmilla said.
“Why Carmilla it’s almost as if you think I would let those delightful creatures out to galavant through Hell”, Alastor said feigning hurt, and was given an unimpressed look by every person in the room.
“Well, there is nothing to worry about. Lucifer has stated that eventually the archangel who owns them will come to take them back to heaven and wouldn’t let me keep even one of them”, Alastor said bitterly that he couldn’t keep a unicorn.
“Nonetheless, I suspect that will also be the time they come to talk about how hell fought back against the exorcist”, Alastor said
“I see well all we could do was try to be prepared and wait. Meeting dismissed”, Carmilla said as everyone left.
“Ah, I swear I think Vox had an erection this whole meeting. Alastor do you want me to walk with you back to the hotel”, Rosie said to her friend.
“You have to go back to cannibal town Rosie. After all, it is known that you lost people during the attack. I can manage and destroy anyone who tries anything”, Alastor said
“Alright be safe Alastor”, Rosie said leaving as he was walking he was stopped by the Vees.
“Hello Alastor~ I was wondering if we could talk”, Vox said with a crazed glint in his eyes.
“About what old pal”, Alastor said, annoyed.
“I would like to extend another offer for you to join the Vees. To join me”, Vox said extending a hand.
“As I said all those years ago, no”, Alastor said, not even bothering to move the hand away from his cane.
“Are you sure old man because I think you’ll need us”, Velvette said
“My dear why in the 7 rings would I need you 3”, Alastor said with a raised brow.
“Because pequeño ciervo you’ll need protection against all the horny demons wanted to get into your pants”, Val said pointing toward Alastors crotch.
“The Vee’s can protect you much better than the people in that pathetic hotel can. If they ever will. I can at least make sure your first time is with someone who deserves you.``, Vox said
“Those people in that pathetic hotel have the guts to fight against angels. Which is more than can be said for you lot and if that someone is supposed to be you Vox you’ve inhaled too much of Valentino's repulsive smoke”, Alastor said
“I’ll show you how repulsive my smoke is' ', Valentino said, getting ready to blow it as Alastor’s shadow grew bigger.
“Val”, Velvette said, kicking the moth in the shins.
“Ow”, Valentino said
“Don’t ruin this adult discussion. Now Alastor, you’re a prideful person. It’s one of the many many reasons you’re so endearing, but I also know you’re smart. If you need more points to ally with us I'll gladly give it to you”, Vox said and all three of them left. Alastor then loosened his hash grip he didn’t realize he was giving his microphone. On the walk back to the hotel Alastor's temper was on the rise and any demon who came close was ripped apart and getting enough flesh to feed himself and the unicorns for a while. He was glad to have finally reached his home the hotel.
“Alastor you’re back. How was the meeting? Did anyone give you any problems? If they did, are you ok”, Charlie said as the deer walked in.
“It was a fine deer. The overlord extended their thanks for defeating the exorcist. No problems I couldn’t handle”, Alastor said using Charlie’s rapid questioning.
“That’s great. While you were gone some souls came to join the hotel”, Charlie said pointing to a group of 5 new souls. One, a computer demon who Alastor hated already, was looking at Alastor with a smirk, but he knew he could rip him apart if he tried anything.
“Splendid deer. New soul to watch fail. If you excuse me I would like to get a drink and sit down after dealing with the pathetic souls of hell”, Alastor said
“Alright, I need to finish getting them settled in”, Charlie said as Alastor went to the bar.
“So Husker what do you think of these new souls”, Alastor said as Husk
“One was fresh death who dropped on to the hotel, one might be interested, two looking for free room and food, and the last one I don’t trust”, Husk said
“Not to talk out of biases but is the one you don’t trust the computer demon”, Alastor said
“Yep, when he showed up he talked so much out his a**”, Husk said
“Hmm I’ll keep a close eye”, Alastor said, and things were quiet for a bit.
“Boss, you should also be careful in case they’re because of you. You know”, Husk said awkwardly. Alastor wanted to dismiss it, but Husk was right about Mimzy.
“I’ll keep that in mind, Husk. Now, if you need me I’ll be feeding my new equestrian friends”, Alastor said teleporting to his Bayou.
“Hello everyone I’ve brought you breakfast”, I said, summoning buckets full of sinner’s hearts. He enjoyed watching them neigh in happiness and continued to pet their manes.
“Hmm, you could use some grooming. Beings of destruction such as yourself can not go anymore not looking your best”, Alastor said summoning horse-grooming tools and getting to work.
“Hmm perfect, and right on time for me to get started on lunch”, Alastor said, shadowing to the kitchen and getting started.
“Hmm something smells good in here”, the computer demon said. Alastor was annoyed but decided to be cordial.
“Oh yeah, Alastor is a great cook”, Charlie said
“Who would have guessed the radio demon cooked and didn’t just eat raw corpses, I guess lots of things about you are coming to light”, the demon said, smirking, which made my smile twitch.
“! I can cook many things. Are there any dietary restrictions and preferences you have”, Alastor said Can’t attack him without reason and lose the princess’s trust.
“Oh, right now I wouldn’t mind the taste of deer," the demon said. Charlie noticed the entendre in that sentence, but Alastor didn’t
“Hmm I am partial to venison myself as well”, Alastor said starting the bisque.
“Alright, um now maybe we could talk about what we could do to get you redeemed”, Charlie said.
“Hmm I think I have a great idea to help find a different outlet for my sins”, the demon said as Alastor focused on his food.
“Oh, that’s great. What is it”, Charlie said as Alastor was about to taste a spoon.
“You could order the radio demon to let me f*ck him”, the demon said which made Alastor freeze and almost drop his spoon. He then slowly turned around with radio dials in his eyes about to turn this soul into a new voice for his broadcast before Charlie spoke up.
“Um, I can’t do that. Who Alastor has sex with is his choice and I can’t order him. Besides that wouldn’t help you get redeemed ”, Charlie said repulsed. She wanted people in the hotel, but she didn’t want people coming just so they could try to sleep with Alastor.
“Of course it would. It would help me learn how good an adult is sexually”, the demon said which confused both demons.
“Why would you need to learn how good an adult is”, Charlie said
“Well my only experience is with young children '', the demon said, which made Charlie’s mouth dry up and Alastor's smile increased in anger. Especially as the demon kept talking.
“In life, I was online… teacher of sorts. Helping young children learn as their bodies mature sexually. I don’t understand why I would be in hell for that” the demon said, drooling from the mouth as Charlie paled and the shadows moved around Alastor.
“Anyway if it’s because I taught children the obvious answer is to teach an adult. Bambi here is the best option, so be a good host, and let’s go”, the demon said, stepping closer. Guys like this were his go-to victims on earth. The fact that technology made it easier for these people to go undetected is one of the millions of reasons he hated it. The radio demon who was about to rip the arm off of this insolent piece of sh*t computer before Charlie beat him to it.
“How...Dare… YOU”, Charlie said with horns on the top of her head
“How dare you come to my hotel and try to continue to harm people. Unless you want to redeem yourself and change, get out and never come back”, Charlie said letting the demon go who quickly ran out as Charlie cooled her flames.
“Wow quite impressive my dear”, Alastor said impressed
“Oh Alastor I’m so sorry that happened”, Charlie said
“I’m not made of glass my dear. Besides, it was great to show you’re stern side. Don’t blame yourself. If it’s anyone to blame it's Adam and the Vee’s fault”, Alastro said pouring the food and going with Charlie to tell everyone lunch was ready.
“You don’t deserve to deal with this”, Charlie said
“It’s not like it can get any worse”, Alastor said but forgot in hell it could always get worse.
“You sure about that smile”, Angel said looking at his phone with intensity.
“What’s wrong my effeminate fellow”, Alastor said before Angel showed him his phone with a new announcement from the Vee’s
“Hello, you lowly pathetic demons. Would you like to win a shot bed a virgin, be a character in a new movie by Valentino, and become an overlord well listen character to this new event by Voxtech. As you heard from our last news segment the radio demon is a virgin. A complete innocent in the matter of touching another’s flesh. Unbelievable right? As demons, it is in our nature to corrupt purity and that is why I’m issuing this challenge. The first person to walk into Vee’s headquarters with the radio demon gets to be the first person to f*ck him in Valentinos new movie, and 10% of all of Vee’s soul deals, including the soul of famous pornstar Angel Dust. You better do it quickly before you lose you’re chance forever”, Vox said smirking on screen now doubt smirking at Alastor. Alastor was livid. He was furious that…
“Absolute F*CKER”, Alastor said cursing with the vilest poison.
“I agree with you their smiles. If sinners didn’t want to bed you to be a virgin. Then they’ll want it to be the next overlord”, Angel said frowning. He remembered once that Val had pulled a similar stunt on him when he thought he could get away from Val’s abuse by never coming to the studio. He was tossed from kidnapper to kidnapper like a toy until he was back at the studio.
“Unbelievable I don’t know how it could get worse than this”, Vaggie said before the king of Hell appeared in the lobby.
“Charlie I have news”, Lucifer said
“Oh shouldn’t have jinxed it Vaggie dear because here’s the king of hell to make everything worse like he always does”, Alastor said annoyed.
“Excuse me”, Lucifer said getting angry.
“Ignore Alastor’s dad he’s had a really bad day. What was your news”, Charlie said coming up to her dad.
“Right, so I was trying to figure out what to say to Mammon who wanted to profit off the unicorns, and Paimon who wanted permission to gain some of Alastor’s virgin blood for fertility potions”, Lucifer said which made Alastor groan.
“Yeah sucks bellhop and I didn’t even read any of Asmodues messages before I got a text from heaven”, Lucifer said
“What did they want”, Vaggie said seriously,
“They said they wanted to meet at the hotel”, Lucifer said
“Oh my god, we have to prepare. When are they coming”, Charlie said before a flash of Light and Lucifer's siblings, Sera, Emily, Lute, and Adam were in the hotel.
“Right now it would seem Charlie”, Alastor said standing up and summoning his cane.
“Angel's stab”, Nifty said, grabbing an Angelic knife and lunging before she was caught by Angel.
“Lucifer”, The 7 archangels said
“Micheal, Raphael, Zadkiel, Jophiel, Gabriel, Azrael, Metatron, Sera”, Lucifer said to the Angels.
“I’m here to a**hole,” Adam said
“No one cares, By the way, you’ve let yourself go since Eden”, Lucifer said, smirking..
“F*ck you”, Adam said
“Adam”, Sera said sternly
“We’re not here to fight Samuel”, Micheal said
“Lucifer and you know it”, Lucifer said to his twin
“Ok, how about we calm down? I will not have fights in my hotel”, Charlie said politely and nervously. She didn’t have a positive experience with Sera and felt weird around her angel uncles.
“Rest assured we are not here to fight either. Where are my unicorns”, Uriel said
“Right that uhh Alastor”, Charlie said to her hotelier who where looking at his claws
“I think it should be up to the unicorns if they want to go back to heaven after they were tricked into coming here and abandoned by the First idiot”, Alastor said
“How dare you you vile demon”, Lute said
“Lute”, Micheal said, which cowed the exorcist. Her anger increased seeing Vaggie smirk at her with her new wings out. She should have ripped those out.
“Bellhop I swear if you don’t get those Unicorns out here I’ll destroy every Jazz establishment in hell”, Lucifer said
“Ugg fine don’t get your wings in a twist”, Alastor opened a portal, and out came the unicorn who went closer to Alastor.
“Wow they like you”, Emily said amazed..
“Yeah, and they were so destructive too. Have a nice trip home”, Alastor said as Uriel opened a portal to heaven. The unicorns looked at the portal and Alastor with final licks returned to heaven. Twilight Sparkle was the last one. Looking back at the radio demon they neighed something to Uriel, that surprised them, but the Angel of Chastity nodded.
“Great you have your unicorn backs. Now you can leave”, Lucifer said with his wings out.
“Getting the unicorns is not the only reason we came here lucifer”, Rapeal said
“Oh, why else would you come here? I know it’s not to demand restoration for the hotel fighting back as breaking the deal. You know the one that specified you could only send exorcists to hell once a year which you broke by making it 6 months. Or that hell-born couldn’t be targeted which was broken when Adam attacked my daughter’s hotel. Or that only Adam and exorcist angels could come to hell which heaven broke when they brought an entire herd of Father D*mn Unicorns”, Lucifer said ready to attack if his siblings dared to play victim.
“No, not for any of those things. We evaluated everything and established that it was Adam’s fault and hell will not be punished for fighting back or any of the exorcist’s deaths”, Micheal said as Adam and Lute clenched in Anger.
“Hah suck it a**holes”, Angel said
“This is crap why are we being punished”, Adam said
“Because you used unicorns and for what, just because you were slighted by the princess”, Zadkiel said as Adam grumbled
“Fine then what do you want”, Lucifer said
“We come to fix whatever error occurred and bring the virgin sinner into heaven”, Sera said, which shocked every demon there. Which led to a long silence before Alastor interrupted.
“Ha No”, Alastor said walking up to go eat lunch in the kitchen which shocked all the angels.
“W-what hey wait”, Micheal said as everyone followed into the kitchen to see the deer just eatin’ deer like he didn’t care what was just said.
“Excuse me, but maybe you didn’t understand us clearly. Where here to bring you to heaven, so you can be in God’s light”, Sera said
“Oh I heard you quite clearly and I am declining”, Alastor said
“What, how dare you act like you’re too good for heaven?”Lute said disgustedly at the demon.
“Oh my dear, I’m too bad for heaven. That’s why I’m saying no”, Alastor said while taking a blood drink.
“B-but why”, Emily said, surprised at why anyone would not want to be in heaven.
“Do you angels even know the depths of my sin? I’m sure Lucifer would love to tell you”, Alastor said pointing his form at the fallen angel who was smirking at his sibling’s shocked faces.
“He’s right he’s not someone you want in heaven”, Lucifer said
“Your sins are irrelevant. You’re virginity proves you have a pure soul”, Sera said
“Hahaha I assure you Alastor’s soul is far from pure”, Vaggie said
“Don’t you want to be in heaven? You won’t be realms away from your mother anymore”, Azreal said which made Alastor freeze.
“Yes, and Miss Morningstar isn’t this what you wanted? Can’t you convince your friend to come with us”, Sera said
“I wanted demons to prove they can change and get better after putting in the work. Alastor hasn’t changed from before his virginity was a secret, no offense”, Charlie said
“Yeah and saying Alastor of all demons deserved to be in heaven just because he’s a virgin is bullsh*t”, Husk said.
“What exactly are your reasons you rejecting going to heaven”, Metaron said
“Well besides being an evil soul and believing it’s boring what exactly would happen if I was up there? I have no wings, no halo, and am made of demon energy. You expect me to believe you’ll just let me live there like the winners up there. Walking around capable of socializing with other souls”, Alastor said
“Bambi here has a point you can’t just give wings and a halo to souls if they haven’t earned them”, Lucifer said
“What would you do to Alastor if you took him to heaven”, Charlie said glaring.
“That is none of your concern”, Sera said
“Like hell, it isn’t, Alastor is a sinner of hell which makes him one of my subjects, not yours”, Charlie said, her tail coming out. Lucifer looks so proud.
“Ok everyone, Charlie heaven would never hurt the souls up there. Come on Sera just tell them what will happen”, Emily said curious as well. It’s one thing to think about sinners redeeming themselves, but sinners themselves coming up to heaven. The older angels seem to think this is a mistake that needs to be fixed though.
“Well, we’d have to re-educate you, so you could live in heaven society”, Sera said
“Re-educate doesn’t give the positive connotations you are probably hoping for”, Alastor said, as his eyes narrowed.
“Ugg fine you want to know you get to be one of my hot girls”, Adam said
“Adam”, Sera said
“Excuse me”, Alastor said looking repulsed at Adam
“You’d get turned into a hot girl and become an exorcist angel like lots of other virgin souls”, Adam said
“What…What did you say? '', Vaggie said as Lute looked surprised as well.
“Sera”, Emily said
“Huh, sometimes virgin souls can have… issues”, Sera said
“You mean be a**holes because virginity doesn’t equal goodness”, Lucifer said laying on his cane,
“So when the exterminations were decided it was the perfect way to give those souls a purpose to curb their violent desires and earn heaven by more than being a virgin”, Sera said.
“Every single exorcist is just a human soul who should have gone to hell if they weren’t a virgin '', Vaggie said shocked. She always figured she was a heaven-born created by Adam. Learning that she was once a human. Having a human family who could be in heaven she couldn’t even remember was scary and infuriating. She knew she was attracted to girls, and on earth with it being so looked down upon might be a way she didn’t have sex. If she was an exorcist she must have hurt people when she was alive. Oh god, she was one of the top exorcists. How many people could she have killed on earth to have so much fighting capability for that? She could have been on par with Alastor in terms of kill count and the only reason she never went to heaven is whatever force worked with Alastor didn’t do it with her. Vaggie felt like throwing up and her hands were shaking before they were still by Charlie.
“Is that what you meant when you said that the Lucifer cult was re-educated?”Emily said, shocked.
“Figures you were watching that conversation. That’s what you did with them. World-class irony”, Lucifer said, finding it a bit funny even if it was so hypocritical. Make sense though, doubt souls would be happy with the explanation that someone evil was in heaven because they were virgins.
Lute wasn’t too shaken up about the revelation that she originally got into heaven for being a virgin. She sincerely doubted she used to be a demon worshiper. After all, Adam wouldn’t be close to her if she was. She couldn’t have been too horrible if Adam had named her his trusted lieutenant and had fun with her outside training. If the point was to give exorcists a chance to earn heaven beyond being virgins she’s earned it a hundred times over with how many demons she killed in the years. Right now this demon should be begging to take this chance to come to heaven and repent for his sins.
“So you want me to go to heaven, my body and mind modified, and join the cult of the first horrible father and his yes women? Not to sound like a broken record, but the answer again is NO”, Alastor said
“This is non-negotiable. It is in the laws of heaven that all virgins go to the pearly gates and you are coming with us”, Micheal said
“No, he is not '', Charlie said, standing in front and putting her hands out. She wasn’t going to let these angels take and mess with her friends’ identity. She didn’t want to think if the exterminators attacked again she could be fighting against Alastor.
“Stand down princess of hell. You don’t know how serious the situation is and how it must be fixed.”, Metatron said
“ Oh, I think you are the ones who don’t know. Even if you take Alastor then what? It doesn’t fix anything. My dad found 4 souls who were virgins. Just like you don’t know how souls are sent to heaven you don’t know why these souls were sent to hell. What are you going to do when the next virgin soul comes here” Charlie said
“Well we would expect Lucifer to find and notif-”, Sera started before she was stopped by Lucifer laughing.
“Why do you think I’ll do that? Just because the force that decides heaven and hell is getting with the times you expect me to wake up every morning and comb through every soul in hell to see if they’re a virgin and go looking for them. What do you want from me if they decide to have sex between the time I’m looking for them? Hell what if they decide to sleep with me, Lucifer said
“You can’t do that”, Jophiel said
“Oh yes, I can because I’m tempted and anyone would want to have sex with me”, Lucifer said glaring at Alastor with that last remark.
“And like you guys have been saying for years hell is my domain and so are the people in it. All sinners are mine and I can decide whatever I want with them including temping them into giving them their first time” “ Lucifer said to p*ss his sibling offers
“Ok Dad, but there’s another point. The exterminations. You’ve already erased 2 virgin souls. What stops them from killing another? Some souls drop down on or close to extermination day and don’t get a warning before they are erased. How do you know you won’t kill some”, Charlie said and the archangel hated the fact they had a point.
“The point is this is a new situation and it needs to be discussed and you can’t just take Alastor”, Charlie said.
“Hmm You’re right”, Uriel said, speaking for the first time in a while.
“What Uriel”, Micheal said
“Micheal I wanted to invite him to heaven thinking it would make him happy as a fitting reward. If it won’t it’s pointless. Not to mention it won’t fix whatever caused him to go to hell in the first place or what we will do if it happens again. We have to look for alternatives, especially with the extermination. I heard you’ve been trying to get sinners to redeem right Charlie was it”, Uriel said
“Y-yes, that’s what this hotel was for”, Charlie said excitedly
“Uriel a sinner has never been redeemed before”, Micheal said
“And before we thought virgins couldn’t go to hell. We could come back later to talk about redemption as an alternative”, Uriel said
“Yes that would be great,” Charlie said excitedly she could get some backing in heaven for her hotel.
“Ugg fine”, Michael said, throwing his hands in his arms.
“What about my girls”, Adam said
“Maybe we could consider giving them their human memories back and rehabilitation them properly if Charlie's program works”, Raphael said
“One more thing”, Uriel said looking at Alastor.
“I know you don’t want to come to heaven, but as the angel of chastity, I feel duty-bound to reward you for keeping yours for such a long time”, Uriel said
“I don’t think it’s something being rewarded over, but what have you got”, Alastor said
“First I would be fine setting up a call so you can talk to your mother”, Uriel said which made Alastor more excited than he showed.
“Second, I would like to gift you an Alicorn”, Uriel said
“WHAT!!!/YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS/URIEL NO’, the archangel and Sera said
“THIS DEMON IS NOT GETTING AN ALICORN”, Lucifer said
“Dad, what’s the big deal? What even is an Alicorn”, Charlie said
“In short, it’s a Unicorn with wings”, Lucifer said
“What's the big deal if Alastor has one? You acting like it’s worse than him having a unicorn” Angel said
“Unicorns can be created by Uriel, but Alicorn is born a different way. Uriel makes them with the energy of the Soul. They are very powerful creatures bonded to the person who helped make them. They won’t even dislike them if their bonded loses their virginity”, Lucifer said
“You’ve never made one from a sinner soul before Uriel. You can’t do this”, Sera said pleadingly
“I’ve already made up my mind besides this was a gift idea from Twilight Sparkle as thank you for caring for them down here”, Uriel said
“The angel of chastity is a brony cool”, Nifty said
“Sounds quite interesting. I accept”, Alastor said happily he might get to have such a being of chaos.
“No no no way”, Lucifer said but it fell on deaf ears.
“Then it’s decided”, Urieil said and started the process. Going to where Alastor’s soul was he was annoyed to see the chain as he couldn’t gift the Alicorn with it there. With a flick of a wrist, Uriel broke the soul contract. He focuses on the purity of not having sex, but couldn’t stop some demonic energy from following and forming the creature in front of the radio demon.
Alastor was shocked as he felt his soul deal break and the restricted powers were back. He didn’t get a chance to be elated as he felt his soul magic being utilized. He then saw a mass of black in front of him which reformed into a twisted amalgamation of heaven unicorns.
The Alicorn’s fur and bat-like wings were the color of blood with black whispy shadow-like
hooves, tail, mane, and wingtips. Its eyes were clear black, like the cannibals, but Alastor could see its desire for bloodlust in them. Most noticeable was its horn. It wasn’t straight like the unicorns but twisted(Like Queen Chrysalis), but Alastor thought it made them look more alluring. The moment he saw them he reached a handout and feeling the Alicorn touch back felt amazing.
“Yeah stabby winged horse”, Nifty said getting on the Alicorn’s back
“Quick let’s go punish all those who wish to harm the roach king”, Nifty said, which gave Alastor the best idea to test if he was not rusty after getting his power sealed.
“Ugg look how malformed it is”, Lute said, repulsed by the disfigured version of a heavenly creature. This must have offended the creature because, with red magic surrounding its horn, it sent a sound wave that pushed back the exorcist through the hotel wall.
“Ugg why is it always that wall”, Vaggie said as Adam helped Lute get up.
“Hahaha how excellent, thank you, Uriel. Give the unicorns my thanks as well and here is a gift for them ”, Alastor said, summoning a bucket of sinner hearts.
“Um yeah I’m sure the unicorns will like it and Alastor remembers this. There's nothing broken about you just because you’re aro/ace”, Uriel said, which confused him as he didn’t know what that meant, but it was nice hearing he wasn’t broken. With that, All the angels left.
“Well that went better than my last meeting with heaven hey Dad”, Charlie said but was surprised to see her dad gone.
“Hey where did he g-Wheres Alastor, Nifty, and the Alicorn”, Charlie said seeing all four were gone. Alastor had shadowed them all to the entrance to Vee’s headquarters.
“What the heck bellhop”, Lucifer said
“Would you like to earn your daughter’s favor”, Alastor said as Ninfty groomed the Alicorn.
“What do you want I’m not letting you keep that thing”, Lucifer said
“Not even if it would help you get souls for the hotel and free one of Charlie’s friends”, Alastor said.
“What are you planning”, Lucifer said
“Just some payback on 3 vile idiots Sire”, Alastor said walking into Vee’s headquarters with Lucifer.
In the Vee penthouse, Velvette was happy with all the views she was getting from Vee’s challenge.
“Were blowing up Voxxy, with all these people we’ll have Bambi sooner or later, but I wish we didn’t have to bet my Angel dust”, Valentino said
“Yeah I’m not fond of losing 10 percent of my power”, Velvette says
“Relax, we can kill whoever comes in with Alastor and make our soul deals come back to us. We just need to get Alastor here so he gets the severity of his situation”, Vox said, but he spoke too soon as he and the rest of the Vee were grabbed by tentacles.
“Is that what you think old friend”, Alastor said, with al Vee’s in his tight grasp. They would have been able to escape if they didn’t feel a power decrease.
“What was that Bellhop”, Lucifer said as all the Vee’s paled seeing the King of hell.
“That your majesty was you gaining 30% of the Vee’s souls deal”, Alastor said
“What I already basically owned all of you already”, Lucifer said
“Well, now you can go through these souls and offer them a chance to stay at Charlie Hotel. I’m sure Angel will be grateful” Alastor said as Lucifer did like the thought. The Vee’s started in horror.
“Wait what you can’t do that,” Vox said
“Why not? You stated that any person who walks in with me gets some of your soul deals. Lucifer walked in with me so he owns their souls”, Alastro said smirking.
“D*mn you Vox”, Velvette said
“I didn’t think the king of hell would show up”, Vox said
“Wait your majesty there were other parts of the deal. You can f*ck Alastor in one of my movies”, Valentino said
“I may be the devil, but am not a r*pist like you. Also, I hate this guy”, Lucifer said
“Then why don’t you ally with us”, Vox said
“No thanks, TV rots the brain. Ok bellhop I’ll accept this agreement in return for keeping the Alicorn, but if you cause more chaos than hell can handle I will lock & take it away”, Lucifer threatened disappearing leaving Alastor with the Vee who he was smirking.
“Now Alastor let’s talk about this”, Vox said
“Oh, I do intend to talk. Talk to you and the rest of hell”, Alastor said hijacking the radio and TV wave. He didn’t like touch TV waves but he wanted assurance every demon in hell would hear this.
“Hello, my demons of hell it’s your lovely radio demon Alastor. Now we’ve all heard the latest announcement by the Vee and I decided it was a great reason to remind you all WHY I AM HERE”, Alastor said as he crushed and threw the Vees around making sure it was audible enough for everyone listening to hear their bones breaking and blood dripping. Soon the Vee’s were a mess on the floor, but were healing.
“ I hope you didn’t think that was the end folks because we have a new guest to join in on this torment. A gift from the angel of chastity themselves welcome my newly created Demonic Alicorn”, Alastor said summoning the creature.
“Holy hell what is that”, Vox said looking at the creature who was looking at the Vee’s stomping its hooves.
“Just my new friend. Now why don’t you show all our listens Just what you capable of”, Alastor said, and the Alicorn charged at the Vee’s trampling and dismembering them till there was barely anything left.
“Haha, such a good show hey folk. Remember if you want to be part of my next broadcast have the 0 brains to think you can MESS WITH THE RADIO DEMON”, Alastor said as Alicorn stomped on Vox’s screen one last time.
“That's enough of our broadcast this time folk now remember that if you want more stay tuned”, Alastor said.
“Haha, that was so cool Alastor. I got more of that moth’s furs for my collection”, Nifty said as they walked out of the Vee’s home with Alastor playing some Jazz music from his microphone.
“I agree my deer. Make sure you wash it thoroughly. Who knows what that rat was infested with”, Alator said before he got poked in the back by the Alicorn.
“Ah, can’t forget you. You were delightful… hmm I really should give you a name”, Alastor said stopping his Jazz music to think which made the Alicorn snort in dissatisfaction and push their snout into the cane.
“Oh did you like the music dear”, Alastor said starting again and Alicorn calmed down.
“I am quite partial to Jazz music myself. How about I name you Jazz”, Alastor said and smiled as the Alicorn tilted its head up and down in approval.
“Then it’s decided, oh I do have to show you to Rosie and the folks in Canibal town”, Alastor said about to walk there before the Alicorn kneeled with its wings spread. It took a minute before Alastor realized what it wanted him to do.
“You know I can just shadow them right”, Alastor said, but Alicorn just pushed at Alastor.
“Oh can please fly on the Alicorn Alastor”, Nifty said begging. This is every girl’s dream.
“Oh Alright, it might be fun to look down on demons in a more literal sense”, Alastor said getting out tightly as Jazz took flight. As he was flying through the air demons looked at Jazz in awed and Jazz responded by using Magic to shoot soundwaves from the sky onto the strrat of hell causing many screams.
“You are made from me, aren’t you? I think you and I are gonna be great friends”, Alastor said
“And with that, The Roach King and the Alicorn flew to Cannibal town”, Nifty said ending the story.
God
"Ha ha ha how amusing. That alicorn is the perfect representation of Alastor's soul", I said
"Oh, I hope they end up figuring out redemption is possible without Pentious getting killed" I said