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He’s shot up immediately, eyes scanning the room for any intruders. His heart beat is too fast and the shake in his hands escalates when he can't breathe.
Y/n rolls over so he can face away from the door and hidden camera then off the bed. A hand grips the carpet, reaching for the knife underneath it. His back is firmly up against the bed and he pulls his mask down under his chin. Y/n sucks in as much air as possible and coughs, before exhaling and trying again. Eventually, he can breathe properly and slides his mask back on.
The clock on his phone tells 1:30am, and he stands albeit shakily and heads to the door. Suddenly, the urge to check on everyone gets even more important when thunder roars softly and lighting lights up his room. Thor won't be back for another month, so this isn't his doing. It's too dangerous to fly in this weather, let alone use his motorcycle but he’s already grabbing his bag and locking his door.
It takes him fifteen minutes, a fuck ton of courage, determination, and fear, to arrive at the tower. The bird hybrid nearly jumps off his bike the second he enters the garage, but parks it in his spot before heading to the elevator.
Y/n’s brain fidgets and he has to remind himself that this is literally the safest building in the world and can't be taken out. Unless the lighting strikes the elevator box, power box, and backup generator all at once.
The elevator dings and he’s already moving before the door fully opens. Medbay, he slides into the rooms, avoiding people and cameras left and right unconsciously. When he peaks his head into Sam's room, he's asleep and Y/n watches his vitals for a few minutes before heading over to Banner's room. He's not in the same area, in fact he's a floor above medbay so he takes the stairs.
He's very much awake when he finds him, sitting in his lab working on something. The phoenix is tempted to drag his ass to bed, but the look of utter concentration and peace makes him walk away.
He glares at the elevator and huffs, it's not like Tony didn't have back up, back up generators or anything. He did, so technically he should be fine to step into the elevator.
Someone's about to walk by, and Y/n shoots inside, closing the doors before they could even realize he was there. Jarvis graciously takes him up to the Avengers bedroom floor without even asking.
Y/n starts off with Steve, peeking his head into his room, watching his chest rise and fall, listening to his heart beat softly before closing it. He avoids getting shot by Natasha, who offers to stay with him, and forces him to change into his spare pajamas and shower, as the bird is drenched to hell, and currently steaming due to him trying to prove a point, but he declines the original offer and heads to the others.
He can check Pepper and Tony's vitals, by simply asking Jarvis and making his way to Wanda. She's out cold, probably with a fever still judging by her red nose and tissues. Vision does wave hello, and he heads over to Sam's. Even though he didn’t need one, he has a room here but never really stays unless it's after a mission or something. Thunder is a lot softer here, so it's probably the windows, but lightning still lights up the halls brighter than the night lights.
He moves even faster, opening Sam's door, then remembering he was on a mission with Bucky. Sam's recovering in medbay, he already checked on him. He hasn't checked on Bucky yet. He hasn’t checked on Bucky yet.
His heart drops onto the floor at that. Y/n closes his door and runs back towards Bucky's room. The two had come back from that mission hours ago and he didn't check on him.
The phoenix hesitates before knocking softly, noting the light peeking out from under his door. There's a pause and the door opens a bit to reveal a very confused super soldier. "When did you get here, and what do you want?"
He decides to ignore the soft click of a closed switch blade and his first question. "Are you alright? Coming back from the mission, did you get hurt?"
"I, what? No, I'm fine. I can heal quickly, remember. Now when the hell did you get here, I didn't even hear you walk down the hall." Y/n’s fidgeting again, watching as he opens the door more and leans on it a bit. He’s avoiding eye contact, trying to look at him for injuries, and he huffs. "Doll, I'm fine really. Now answer the question, hell better yet, why are you checking up on me at,"
He looks at his clock then back at him, "2:34 in the morning."
A sarcastic comment was prepared but he flinches violently and freezes the moment a flash lights up the hallway and his room. Then thunder, much louder than before, now that he’s started to focus on it, makes him pale. His heart rate spikes, causing Bucky to open his door and reach for him slowly.
"Hey, hey, n/n. I gotcha, it's not going to hurt you. We're safe, you're safe. Everyone's okay, I'm okay, can I-" Y/n’s moving towards him immediately, wrapping his arms around him. He somehow holds him even tighter, and everything begins to crack. He’s crying, down right sobbing, and he can't stop it.
Y/n barely registers him moving the two of them into his room and sitting on his bed with their legs half on his lap. His grip never lessens, and he sways back and forth, whispering promises and reassurances. Bucky holds him as he sobs, making sure that the lights are bright enough that the lightning isn't shown but soft enough to not burn their eyes.
"It's my fault, Buck, I'm so sorry." He looks down at him, but before he could say why, things practically fly out of the hybrid’s mouth.
"I couldn't save you from them, I shouldn't have ever tried to become friends with you and Steve back then. Maybe they wouldn't have hurt you, they wouldn't have had to kill you, and you two could have lived happily. I'm so sorry it's my fault, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
He’s choking for a second before breathing and sobbing even harder, he can't breathe anymore, and Bucky has to physically move him around to get Y/n to listen to him. Their hand is flat over his heart, which beats a bit faster than normal, and his right hand is holding it there. His left hand is wrapped around his back keeping the phoenix from falling off.
He inhales, and Y/n tries to do the same, but it doesn't feel like any air is going in. Suddenly he’s panicking again because he doesn't want to rebirth again, especially with Bucky nearby because he would get hurt- "Y/n, breathe out."
Exhale. Inhale. Exhale .
He's coughing again, but he's able to breathe. His right hand is holding his head as he leans into it a bit, he's wiping his tears and moving the hair out of his face. "Doll, do you want to talk about that or leave it until tomorrow."
His eyes start to water again and he sighs looking away. "We were friends and I looked different. I looked normal."
His left hand grips Bucky’s shirt and he's shaking again. God dammit stop shaking. Just talk for fucks sake.
"I don't remember what my mission was but I was there for a long time, and we grew up together. It was us, Steve, you, and I against the world." He looked down at the bed covers, anger fizzling through his features. "They told me that I was supposed to kill you two for getting too close. But I didn't, and they stuck me in the chair and made me kill you over, and over, and over again. Until I couldn't remember what was real or fake, until I knew you had to be dead.
"I had the chance to blow up Hydra and the facility we'd both be in, at the same time. And I didn't take it. I could have stopped you from becoming Winter, and falling off that train. I could have stopped Steve from shoving himself onto the front lines and sinking into the arctic, but I didn't."
Bucky is silent. That terrifies him the most, his heartbeat is the same, not giving anything away. His breathing is normal, and anxiety gripped Y/n’s throat with Thor’s strength.
Why isn't he yelling at him already? Why hadn't he shoved him off his lap, which he realized had a death grip on his shirt. Y/n doesn't see the way James’s heart shatters as he struggles to school his face, because he's starting to understand their rivalry. Something to protect him and Steve from being hurt and taken away again.
"Then they took me out of cryo to see their greatest achievement. After Project Icarus fell, I was shoved into training then cryo. Then, they thought, THEN why not make them watch someone who they loved and thought to have killed become their greatest enemy." His mouth clicked shut, and tears were pouring out of his eyes, but he didn't make a single sound. Y/n couldn't look him in the eye, he must have hated him now right? That's why he's not saying anything?
"Doll, can you look at me for a second?." When he doesn't, he carefully moves his head up to look at him. They finally make eye contact and he smiles a bit.
"None of this is your fault. And even if it was, which it's not, look at where we are now. We have an entire team dedicated to saving the world, new friends, taking down the Red Room, and saving millions of people." He moves his hand so they're both holding his face. His expression is soft but firm and serious, his eyes switching back and forth between the younger.
"You couldn't have known any of this would have happened. Even if you took down Hydra, the Room or someone else might have just grown in its place. We were kids back then right?"
A nod, "Then you wouldn't have known either. I'm assuming you're supposed to 'fit in' and look normal so it'd be weird to not make friends. Even if you didn't, I still would have become the Winter Soldier, and we would have become enemies without ever knowing we knew each other. It's not your fault."
He wipes away the tears now pouring down Y/n’s cheeks again and wraps his arm back around as he buries his head into his neck. He places his metal arm on the back of his head, and continues to rock the two of them back and forth. "You don't have to push us away if you don't want to anymore, n/n. You never had to in the first place."
"But you needed to hate me, you're supposed to hate me now." His body feels heavier now, the adrenaline thinning and exhaustion catching up again. "Oh Doll, Steve and I never hated you, we just knew you needed someone who would push you back. Someone you could trust to never change."
Bucky could hear his heart slow and feel Y/n slowly sink onto him. He rubbed his back until he was finally out cold. He carefully moved them so he was laying on the bed, sighing when Y/n wouldn't let go, and laid next to him. He let him bury into his chest and tangled their legs together before eventually falling asleep himself.
When Y/n woke up, the brain fog was back. He buried his face further into his pillow, before realizing the difference of smells. Including the fact that his old pillow was not a living heater, and didn't have a heartbeat.
"Good morning, Idiot. Celling man says you gotta place to be, I'd tell them to cancel it but Fury is not fun to cancel on." There's about two seconds of delay before Y/n’s letting go of him, annoyedly sliding off the bed, and grabbing his backpack, which was kindly left untouched by the door.
He sets out his old Strike team gear and walks into his bathroom. About a minute later he stepped back out and walked towards Barnes. He looks at him curiously before standing up and giving him a hug. Y/n squeezes back harder than he expects, and almost misses the muffled "Thank you, James." when he lets go and walks out the door, bag and clothes in hand.
He doesn't know how to feel about that. He checks his clock, realizing he only got about two hours of sleep since it took him two hours to fully calm down and it was now 6:01am. He silently prayed for whoever had to deal with cranky Y/n. Plus, he really shouldn't be going on a mission after that, especially one that involves Hydra but he can't exactly talk anyone out of it now.