Chapter Text
In 2000 James had done something stupid: he had confessed to no other than Jeremy Clarkson that he was getting lonely.
One year prior Jeremy had gotten him out of hospital, and James had needed time for himself. Momentarily James had kept away from all sorts of relationship; men or women. Now it was catching up with him. His flat seemed too empty, his friends were far and few in between, most of them were in relationships and James never felt comfortable tagging along as the single man …
Than there was Jeremy; who just couldn't back down when someone presented a challenge to him. James had involuntarily done so. A week later the call had come in. Jeremy had another acquaintance who might work for James: Robert.
Jeremy had explained that James came out of a complicated relationship and that he should take things easy. Furthermore James had been uneasy with the idea of meeting a stranger alone, hence Jeremy came along. The idea had been to meet at the pub and just spend a day together. Nothing romantic yet, they could do the romance alone.
As the night progressed things were going well. Jeremy had been right, Robert was right up 'his street' and they got along smoothly. James began to relax after a while and the two men left Clarkson alone.
Jeremy only meant to make a brief stop at the loo before he would leave the pub. He opened the door and found James leaning over the bathroom sink, taking deep breaths.
Jeremy frowned “Are you all right?” he asked, stepping closer.
He was careful to keep his hands to himself, knowing that James was edgy when it came to touch.
“No, yes, no, no. Yes. I don't know,” came a hurried reply.
“What's wrong?”
“I don't know.”
Jeremy frowned and gently tipped his shoulder. This made James look up and he saw despair on his face. One that must mirror on Jeremy's as well.
“Has Robert done something stupid?”
“No,” James admitted and started to talk to his feet. “He's … good. Who would have thought that you had such nice friends.”
Jeremy snorted but didn't reply, so James could collect his thoughts.
“It's … I don't think I can ...” James stumbled over his words, clearly embarrassed. “It's going too well ...”
“Too well?”
“I just … I want to … but ...” James clenched his hands in frustration.
“Want what?” Jeremy asked, just to make sure.
James bit his lip, letting out a breath. It sounds so stupid. “Kiss him … I think he wants to.”
“Okay.” Jeremy had thought along those lines.
“I know it's stupid.”
“It isn't.” Jeremy knew that that was not a moment to tease him.
James let out a breath and laughed weakly.
“What are you scared off? It's just a kiss,” Jeremy asked. “You know how that works.”
“It's … I haven't kissed anyone since ….” James took a deep breath and Jeremy indicated that he could go on. “I'm not scared of the kiss … it's the after. How I'll react.”
“Oh.” Jeremy cleared his throat. “Do you want to ...”
“Yes.”
Jeremy bit his lip. This was an absurd conversation. Especially between these two …
“You know that he knows that you had a bit of a complicated relationship prior. He'll ...”
“Nicely put,” James huffed but nodded. That was the first time James stopped looking at his feet. “And yes, but I don't want to … I just don't know.”
“I guess there is no other way around it.”
James sighed as a reply. “Maybe I should just go home.”
“No, no, no.” Jeremy gently held James in place. Enough to keep him there but not hard enough to frighten him. “You said you wanted to.”
“Yes,” James replied.
“Stop being so chicken-hearted. Do it.”
“But I don't know what to do.”
“You've done it before. It's not that different.”
“Yeah, but ...”
“Oh, sod it,” Jeremy cut him off.
Before James could even think about a question he wanted to ask, Jeremy was kissing him. He had gently placed one hand on his cheek and just … kissed him. It was wonderful, surprisingly gentle, James had to admit.
Soon James had recovered from the shock of being kissed. Most of all being kissed by Jeremy bloody Clarkson! He found himself holding onto his shoulders and kissed back.
They broke apart and for a moment Jeremy caught his breath and smugly stated. “See? Easy.” Then he took a step back and nodded. “Go, get your man.” and gently pushed James out of the door.
That was the moment which showed James three things: One: that he could still kiss people, even men. Second: that Jeremy was a surprisingly good kisser, not that he often thought about that. Third: while at that moment he hadn't realized it he wanted to kiss him again.
However, James quickly and swiftly ignored that feeling, even banished the idea. After all Jeremy was a happily married man, with another child on the way. And it would never work ...
This had meant nothing, James told himself. For Jeremy it must have been just that. A favour for a mate. Just like a hug. It was his way of showing James that he wasn't broking, that he was fixed. Jeremy being Jeremy couldn't have come up with a better way …