Chapter Text
When Kim Gahyun was ten, she rode the bus home from school, just like she’d done every year before. It was all she’d known. Get up, get dressed, eat the breakfast her Mama made her, grab her lunch, put it in her backpack, and head to the bus stop. Mama always had to get ready for work at the same time, so Gahyun walked to the bus stop alone. It wasn’t that bad, and it wasn’t far, either. The first time, she’d been a little nervous. That day, she was seven. But now she was ten. So why did Mama think babysitters were necessary?
It had always been the same. She was a bigger girl than she was before. She was a whole two hands full of fingers old. She was in third grade! She didn’t need some high schoolers to bring her to the bus stop, and pick her up, too!
But something had changed this year. Mama was gone more. She didn’t think Gahyun noticed, but she did. Mama looked tired all the time, and she sometimes forgot to make Gahyun lunch. That was okay, Gahyun never wanted to complain: she just got the cafeteria lunch instead.
She just didn’t like how Mama was never home anymore. She didn’t like how Bora and Siyeon had to walk her home and stay with her until Mama got back.
And she really didn’t like how Bora and Siyeon talked to her Mama. They weren’t rude, no, Gahyun knew that. She knew the difference between how to speak to someone and how not to, but she couldn’t say the same of most of her classmates. She knew her Mama had raised her to be respectful.
Bora and Siyeon’s parents must have raised them respectfully, too. At least that’s what her Mama always said once they left.
Gahyun didn’t really know how to explain how the two older girls talked to her Mama, but all she knew was that she didn’t like it. And that was enough for her. Bora and Siyeon were nice enough, she supposed, as she walked home in between them, Siyeon insisting that she hold her hand. And Gahyun did, because that’s what her Mama would want her to do.
And Gahyun would do anything to make her Mama proud.
Mama always had something going on, now. Gahyun could tell that Mama was stressed, just like when she had a really tough math problem that made her want to rip her hair out. She wished Mama’s problems were as easy to solve as math problems, though. Gahyun knew that would make life a lot easier.
The sidewalk got more cracked as they got further from the bus stop, different plants growing in between them. Fences went from white and brown to wire mesh, kind of rusty and old looking. At least, Gahyun thought it looked old, she wasn't quite sure.
Gahyun was a big girl. She didn’t need help getting back to her home. The security man at the door was always watching out for her, anyways. He always promised Mama to keep an eye on her. Gahyun knew her Mama was thankful for that.
They got to the door, and there he was. The nice security man.
“Hi, Mr. Green.” Siyeon and Bora said in unison. Gahyun just smiled at him. He was tall, and he had a big mustache that reminded her of a caterpillar. Sometimes, if she looked hard enough, Gahyun thought she could see it move across his face.
She giggled at the thought of a caterpillar resting in the nice security man’s mustache.
“Hey girls! You’re good to head up!”
The nice security man, Mr. Green, as the high schoolers had called him, recognized her two babysitters now. That’s how long this had been going on. Gahyun still thought it was silly. She was a big girl. She could even do her homework on her own now. Mama always said that she was lucky Gahyun was super smart.
Mr. Green had only been there for a few months, now. He wasn’t there before the beginning of the school year. Something big had happened over the summer. Gahyun never got told what it was. It was kind of annoying, how Mama kept her out of the loop all the time. She was tough, she could take it.
Whatever had happened, it must have been serious for the apartment building to hire a security man. Maybe a raccoon got in? Raccoons were scary. Gahyun sometimes saw them in the dumpster out back.
They had to be careful as they headed up the stairs, because the railing was broken, leaving a bunch of the bars out of place. Mama always clicked her tongue when she saw it. Siyeon held her hand all the way up the stairs, and down the hallway, until they’d arrived at Gahyun’s front door. Her apartment number was 212, but it looked like it just said 22 because the one had fallen off a while ago.
Gahyun remembered Mama getting really quiet after she saw the ‘one’ number on the ground. After school one day, before she was required to have babysitters, Gahyun had tried to tape the number back up, but it didn’t work. The ‘one’ was too heavy.
They got inside, and Gahyun grinned. Home. Her favorite place ever. She and Mama had decorated it with all the stuff they’d gotten from that one store a few years ago. That place had everything! It had lamps, and a bunch of furniture, and shoes, and clothes with silly designs on them, and toys and the computer Mama got for one of her jobs. Gahyun loved that store.
That had been the year after Papa left. Gahyun was really glad Papa wasn’t around anymore. They’d moved after Papa left, Gahyun remembered that much. She’d only been five, so the memories were a little fuzzy, but she could picture a few things. She remembered all the police lights, and the way Mama had asked the police officers for something. Papa had been yelling, but that was normal. And he was trying to hit the policemen. But that was also normal. Papa had hit a lot of things.
The policemen had been nice. One of them had sat with her and given her a really good lollipop while another one asked Mama some questions. Mama had been really sad that night.
Gahyun hadn’t seen Papa since then. But she liked it better without him. Mama didn’t cry as much, and there wasn’t so much noise at home. Sure, she and Mama lived in a smaller place, now, but at least it didn’t smell bad all the time, or have a bunch of big adults laying around everywhere. They smelled bad, too. And Mama didn’t have to do training sessions anymore, once Papa left, so she wasn’t banged up and bruised all the time, either.
She really loved that it was just her and Mama now.
Siyeon turned on some of the lights and went to the pantry, looking for snacks for the three of them. Gahyun put her backpack next to the little kitchen table and sat in her chair. She always sat in this particular chair, because it had pink paint on it. Gahyun loved pink paint. She and Mama hadn’t put it there, but Mama said it gave the chair “character”, whatever that meant.
Gahyun didn’t have a lot of homework, this time. A little math, and some science work. Neither of those were bad. It was only history that was bad, but that was because it was so boring.
Bora sat down in the chair opposite of her, taking out her phone. Gahyun knew she wouldn’t need help with her homework. She could do it herself. She didn’t like that Bora and Siyeon had to be there with her, for more than just feeling independent.
“Do you want a snack?” Siyeon asked, still standing in front of the mostly empty pantry. “It looks like you have some goldfish and pretzels here.”
The way she said it, kind of sad, kind of… feeling bad? Was there a word for that? Well, Siyeon clearly felt bad that all Gahyun had to snack on was pretzels or goldfish. But Gahyun loved pretzels and goldfish. She didn’t get why the other kids made fun of the clothes Mama got for her, or why they all seemed to have new shoes all the time. And she hated the way people sounded when they talked to her like that.
“I’ll have pretzels.” Gahyun said as she took out one of her nicely sharpened pencils. The school had the fancy electric sharpeners, and using them made Gahyun feel happy, with the way the pencil turned out perfectly pointy.
Math first, she decided as Siyeon put the snack in front of her on a small paper plate. She picked up a pretzel as she pondered the first question on the worksheet. They had just started learning some new material in class today, and the teacher had said it would be the hardest unit they got. Gahyun wasn’t scared. How bad could multiplication be, anyways?
She narrowed her eyes at the page. What was six times seven? That would mean… six seven times? Or seven six times? Or was that the same thing? Gahyun tried to look at the previous problems, but since they didn’t have any sixes or sevens, they were of no help.
“Bora?” Gahyun asked with a sigh. She didn’t want help. She wanted to understand this now. If she understood it now, she could grow up faster and make her Mama’s life a little easier.
“Sup, Hyunie?” The older girl asked, looking up from her phone, but not doing much else. Gahyun liked her a little better than she liked Siyeon. Bora came up with silly games to play to pass the time after she got her homework done, but before Mama got home.
“Can I have some help?” She asked reluctantly. She hated asking for help.
“Sure, kid, but if it’s math, Siyeon’s way better.”
“Bboya, it’s literally third grade math.” Siyeon called from where she sat at the counter, her laptop open. She must have been doing her own homework, because she had her notebooks open, too. Gahyun thought that looking at Siyeon’s homework was silly. There were way too many letters in her math equations.
Siyeon had tried to explain the letters to her (Valaries? Bariales?) but everything she’d said had gone way over Gahyun’s head. But Siyeon had said that was okay, because she should stay as innocent as she could for as long as possible. According to the high schooler, once letters got into math, it only went downhill from there. Gahyun wondered when letters got into math.
Bora seemed to think for a moment before shrugging. She stood up and walked around the table, peering down at Gahyun’s math work.
“Oh, okay, I got this.” She said, and Gahyun looked up at her. High schoolers knew so much.
And Bora and Siyeon were both seniors, too. Gahyun couldn’t imagine being that old. They must know everything, right?
“So basically, you just add six plus six seven times. This is a big math problem for you, when did you start learning multiplication?”
“Today.” Gahyun said as she turned her attention back to the paper, writing out the addition. That made more sense. This was the last question on the homework. It was always the hardest one.
“Jesus Christ.” Bora said with a snort. “You’re crazy, kid.”
“So the answer is forty-two?” Gahyun asked.
Bora paused for a second, looking down at her hands, a few fingers coming up to count. Siyeon looked up with a roll of her eyes.
“Yes, good job ‘Hyunie. Forty-two.” She said. “Air high five.” Siyeon stuck her hand out in the air, and Gahyun pretended to hit it with her own.
Multiplication wasn’t so bad, Gahyun decided as she put the paper back in her folder. She put it on the right side, because that was the side her Mama had told her to put her ‘done’ work. Mama said it made it easier to keep track and be organized. Onto science.
Science was easy. Different kinds of rocks. Gahyun wasn’t a big fan of rocks. But at least the stuff she was learning wasn’t difficult to understand.
Gahyun didn’t think Mama was a big fan of rocks, either. She and Mama were similar in a lot of ways. But not the way she looked. Mama always says that she got her features from her Papa. Gahyun wasn’t sure if she really liked that.
She finished sorting the last rock into the category it was supposed to be in, and capped her glue stick. She just had to let it dry, now, so that she could put it in her ‘done’ pocket.
“Whatcha wanna do today, Gahyun?” Bora asked when she saw the third grader was done.
Siyeon kept working at her computer, her eyes narrowed and her brow furrowed. Gahyun knew she was just concentrating, but she looked angry. Siyeon could look scary, sometimes.
“Um.” Gahyun thought for a minute, eating the last of her pretzels. “Can we play with my dolls?”
Bora gave her a smile. “For sure!” Then she looked at Siyeon. “Hey, doofus, come on. You’re worrying way too much about it.”
Siyeon pouted at Bora, but closed her laptop. “I gotta get in, you know that. That school is the best for my field.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Bora waved her hand dismissively. Gahyun giggled. As much as she didn’t like them being here, they could be funny. “You can worry another time, come play dolls.”
Bora took Gahyun by the hand and brought them both into the bedroom Gahyun and her Mama shared. Gahyun’s toys were in a bin in the corner of the room, and she ran over there, pulling out her three favorite dolls. One for each of them. Perfect.
They played for a while, Bora and Siyeon actually playing exactly how Gahyun wanted them to, which she liked a lot. Maybe they weren’t terrible. The two high schoolers let her pause the game to instruct them on what to do, and they seemed to like playing with the dolls. Gahyun wasn’t sure how many big kids would want to play with dolls with her.
Did Bora and Siyeon even count as kids? Gahyun thought about it as she pretended to refill the tea cups with imaginary tea. Were eighteen year olds kids, still?
Eighteen seemed like it was twelve lifetimes away. Gahyun barely remembered when they celebrated Mama’s eighteenth birthday. That was a happy memory. Papa had left for a few days, and Mama got them a cupcake to split at the store.
Soon they’d be celebrating Mama’s twenty-fifth birthday. Gahyun thought that was crazy. Mama was getting old.
Gahyun loved celebrating Mama’s birthday, but every time they had to celebrate Papa’s birthday, it was bad. Everything smelled super bad those days, and there were so many people in their house. And they were all so loud. The last birthday Papa had been home for was his… twenty something. Gahyun wasn’t sure. It was a big number. Seven? Eight? She’d had to stay in her room all night, and when Mama came to give her food, she’d obviously had to train earlier. Her lip had been bruised.
But now, they only had to celebrate her birthday, and Mama’s birthday, and that was much better.
Gahyun wasn’t sure how long they’d played dolls, but then she heard the front door open.
“Mama!” She yelled, running out of the bedroom. Bora and Siyeon trailed behind her.
Her Mama was waiting for her, crouching down right inside their door. Gahyun always missed Mama. She ran up and hugged her, swinging her arms around her Mama’s neck. She squeezed tightly.
“I got all my homework done, Mama! And we’re playing dolls!” Gahyun exclaimed when she pulled back.
Mama smiled at her. Gahyun could tell she was tired, but that she was trying to hide it. Mama always had dark circles under her eyes.
“Did you now? Were you good for Siyeon and Bora?” Mama asked, gently tapping her finger against Gahyun’s nose.
Gahyun nodded and turned around, looking up at the two older girls, who were smiling back down at her.
“She sure was, Miss Kim. She’s always great for us.” Siyeon said with a shy smile at her Mama.
“Yeah, Miss Kim, you’ve got a real smart little kid here. She knows more math than I do.” Bora laughed as she tousled Gahyun’s hair.
“How many times do I have to tell you both to call me Minji?” Mama asked the two girls, shaking her head. Gahyun whipped her head back and forth, watching the conversation happen.
“Ah.” Siyeon ducked her head, her cheeks a little red. “Probably a couple more, at least, Miss Kim. My parents wouldn’t be too happy if they knew I was going around calling adults by their names.”
Bora chuckled and tilted her head to the side. “Do you need us to stay and help with dinner, Miss Kim?”
Mama looked at the clock and frowned. Gahyun knew what that meant. Tonight was one of the nights Mama had to work her other job. She came home tired, and then left looking even more tired, and then Gahyun would wake up when she crawled into bed really early in the morning.
“I don’t have… enough to make up for that.” Mama said, looking down at Gahyun carefully.
Enough what?
“Aw, please, Miss Kim, it’s nothing. Seeing you is way more than enough for me.” Siyeon said, the redness on her cheeks deepening.
Gahyun squinted up at her. That’s the kind of talk she meant. The talk that she used to hear all the big guys with beards speak to her Mama with. But Siyeon did it… differently. She didn’t look… like a lion when she said the words. She looked more like a scared squirrel.
Mama laughed. A real laugh. Gahyun’s eyes widened as she looked up at Mama, who had her head back, and her hand on her chest.
“You’re sweet, Siyeon.”
“Well, she’s right, Miss Kim! Seeing you smile is way more than anything else could be worth.” Bora added, raising her eyebrows, her cheeks turning pink, too.
Gahyun pouted. She felt really left out of this conversation. And they were talking to Mama in that way that she didn’t like, again. They always did. But… it was different. Mama actually laughed when they talked, instead of just doing her not-laugh that she gave to those big gross guys.
“Just tell us how we can help.” Siyeon mumbled, her face still bright red, and Bora nodded.
Mama looked back and forth between the two of them, her mouth still curled up into a smile. “You’re both too sweet. Alright, come on, let’s make dinner.”
Mama even let Gahyun help with chopping up some carrots that night. They were just making soup, but Gahyun knew it would last them for a few weeks. Bora got put in charge of the chicken, and Siyeon was pulling all the ingredients out of the bags Mama had brought home from the store.
“I need to change, girls, do you think you’ll be alright?” Mama asked after they’d finished cutting up everything.
“For sure, Miss Kim.” The high schoolers said in unison. They both looked at each other and snorted.
Mama shook her head with a smile and kissed Gahyun on the top of her head.
“Dude.” Gahyun heard Siyeon whisper to Bora as they both stood at the stove, obviously pretending to look busy so that Gahyun didn’t question them. She rolled her eyes. Big kids were stupid.
“Did you see the way I made her laugh?” Siyeon kept going.
“You’re a simp, you idiot. No way you stand a chance.” Bora answered as Gahyun stood behind them, looking up at them. They clearly didn’t know she was listening.
Siyeon didn’t stand a chance of what? And she was a what? What was a simp?
“What’s a simp?” Gahyun spoke up, frowning up at the older girls.
They both jumped and turned around and looked at each other, eyes wide.
“Uh, nothing, doesn’t mean anything.” Bora mumbled before trying to look busy again.
Before Gahyun could ask any more questions, Mama stepped out of the bedroom, all changed into her sweatshirt and sweatpants. She always left for work in those clothes.
“How’s it coming? Smells good!” Mama called out as she walked over to the stove, leaning over the pot.
Gahyun noticed the way Siyeon gulped when Mama got just a little bit closer to her. She narrowed her eyes. Maybe simp meant stupid. Because Siyeon definitely was. Gahyun could also see the way Bora smirked at Siyeon. She was making fun of Siyeon.
“It’s, uh, it’s-” Siyeon started, and Gahyun could see the way her shoulders came up nearly to her ears.
“It’s looking great, Miss Kim! Not as great as you, but still great.” Bora practically yelled, throwing her arm around Siyeon’s shoulders.
Mama laughed. She laughed a lot around Bora and Siyeon.
For a second, every time she laughed, Mama looked like she did when Gahyun was very young again. She looked younger. But then she stopped laughing, and the circles came back, her eyes were even more tired than they were before. Gahyun wished she could make Mama look young again. Mama looked happy when she looked young.
Gahyun always did her best to make Mama laugh, and usually, it worked, but sometimes Mama was just too tired. So as much as she didn’t like that Bora and Siyeon had to be around, she was glad Mama looked happy around them.
They kept making food, and Gahyun’s stomach started to growl. The pretzels had been nice, but dinner was always better. The high schoolers kept saying things that made Mama laugh, and even Gahyun smiled a few times. They were silly. But Siyeon was still stupid. She looked stupid every time she made Mama laugh.
“You’ll both stay for dinner, won’t you?” Mama asked the older girls as she stirred the pot full of soup. Gahyun could smell that it was almost done.
“Nah, Miss Kim, my Mother would kill me if I came back any later than sunset.” Bora said, and Siyeon nodded, looking sad.
“Plus, we wouldn’t wanna overstay our welcome.” Siyeon said, and Gahyun could tell she didn’t really mean it. She wanted to stay.
“Well, if you’ve gotta go, let me go get some stuff for the both of you.” Mama said, sounding a little sad. Gahyun didn’t like that.
Gahyun knew Mama enjoyed taking care of people. But it was more than that. Mama sounded like she was dreading something. Like she was scared and sad at the same time. Mama sounded like that a lot.
She sounded scared a lot less than she used to, though. When Papa was around, Mama always sounded scared. When Papa would get home, Mama would tell Gahyun to go to her room, and she always sounded scared of something.
Gahyun never quite knew what happened when Papa got home. All she knew was there was a lot of yelling and other noises that made her cover her ears in fear. And her Mama cried. She sounded scared when she cried, too. But she would always come and get Gahyun once Papa fell asleep on the couch with the TV on. Mama always tried to smile and put on a happy face, but Gahyun could see right through it. Gahyun really didn’t get how Papa could send Mama to training when they were both home the whole time Gahyun was sent to her room.
Mama walked over to her purse and pulled out something that she held tightly in her fist as she walked over to Bora and Siyeon. Gahyun frowned. She hated when things were kept from her. She was a big girl, she could understand just about anything, especially if she understood multiplication.
“Thank you both so much, again. All good for tomorrow?” Mama asked, handing Bora whatever she had clenched in her fist.
Gahyun sighed. And they had to do it all over again tomorrow. She just wanted her Mama home. She didn’t want babysitters.
“Yep! It was nice seeing you, Miss Kim!” Bora said, grabbing Siyeon by the shoulders and pushing her towards the counter, where their backpacks were.
Bora leaned in close to Siyeon’s ear and whispered something. Mama didn’t see because she was paying attention to the soup again. Siyeon’s face brightened and she nodded. Bora handed whatever was in her hand to Siyeon, who walked back over to the pot.
“You know, Miss Kim, if you ever need anything more, you can tell us, and we’ll come running, alright? We’re both happy to help.”
Gahyun watched as her Mama’s lower lip poked out slightly.
“You’re both too sweet.” Mama said, stepping away from the stove to open her arms.
Siyeon grinned, stupidly, in Gahyun’s opinion, and stepped into Mama’s arms. Gahyun squinted as she watched Siyeon slip whatever was in her hand into Mama’s hood. So whatever Mama had given Bora was given back to Mama. Why?
Mama walked over to Bora and gave her a hug, too.
When the two older girls were all packed up, and had said their final goodbyes, Mama closed and locked the door behind them.
“Alright, ‘Hyunie, you ready to eat?” Mama asked, walking back over to the stove.
“Yeah, but why did Siyeon put something in your hood?” Gahyun asked, standing behind Mama, looking up to see a little bit of green poking out of the hoodie.
“What?” Mama asked, sounding confused as she reached back. She gasped. “Oh, when I get my hands on those two-” Mama cut herself off as she bit her lower lip, taking out whatever was in her hood.
Gahyun could see the way Mama’s eyes welled up with tears. Had Bora and Siyeon made her sad? But then she saw the way Mama was smiling through the tears. She was happy?
“Those devils.” Mama said, shaking her head as she walked back over to her purse, putting whatever it was back.
“They’re good kids. Do you like them, Gahyun?” Mama asked, turning around after wiping her eyes.
Gahyun shrugged. “They’re nice.” She said simply, and went to sit at the table. “They play dolls with me.”
Mama chuckled. “Perfect.” She said as she started putting the soup into bowls.
It was really good. Better than normal. Gahyun hummed as she ate, wiggling slightly in her chair. Mama seemed to agree, eating faster than she normally did.
“They can cook, too!” Mama exclaimed.
Gahyun could tell that Mama really liked the two high schoolers. So maybe they weren’t all that bad. They made Mama smile and laugh, they made her cry happy tears, they helped her out a lot. Maybe having babysitters wasn’t the worst thing in the world.
After dinner, Gahyun had to get ready for bed, just like she did every night. Mama wouldn’t be joining her in bed tonight, though. Mama had to go to work again. She only worked some nights, but Gahyun was always lonely when she left. The bed felt too big without Mama there to hug her tightly and whisper how much she loved her. Gahyun sighed as she got dressed into her pajamas, her shoulders slumping.
After she made sure she was ready for school the next day, she brushed her teeth. At least Mama always made time to tuck her in with the big plushy they’d gotten at the fair that one time. He was a bear named Patch, because Mama had to sew him up the night they got home. Gahyun loved him, though. He helped her get through the long nights.
“Hey, sweetheart.” Mama said as she came into their room, finding Gahyun already under the covers, hugging Patch tight.
“Hi Mama.” Gahyun mumbled quietly.
Mama sat on the edge of the bed, her hand landing softly on Gahyun’s head, stroking softly. She had a sad smile on her face. It made her look older. Gahyun wished she could make that a happy smile. But she knew Mama was feeling bad about not being able to stay.
They stayed like that for a minute, when something occurred to Gahyun. She’d never gotten an actual answer to her question.
“Mama, what does simp mean?” She asked, pulling her eyebrows together. She really was curious.
Mama looked confused for a second before she laughed. It was a big, loud laugh, and it made Gahyun smile.
“It means a very, very silly person.” Mama tapped the tip of her nose playfully.
Well, that made sense. A very silly person was also stupid, so that meant Gahyun had been right in her assumption. Siyeon was stupid.
The smile was gone from Mama’s face when she kissed Gahyun goodnight. Gahyun almost wished the two teenagers would come back so that Mama would smile again.
She laid in the dark, hearing Mama moving around outside, before she heard the jingle of keys, knowing Mama was leaving for work.
Gahyun hoped that someday, Mama wouldn’t have to work so much, so she could look happy again.