Chapter Text
Her body still looks so beautiful in a casket. Still as ravishing as ever. Yet staring down at the opened lid reminds me of it all.
Its an illusion.
A mock-up.
This is not her. No. It could never be her, her body was mangled. I still remember it. Burnt into my memory and refusing to leave i can only picture her last moments. The loud screech of that bastards car when it swerved into her. Her blood had been diluted by the rain. And her guts. Spilt across the damp pavement.
They couldn't retrieve her body in one piece. Its obvious why. So of course infront of my eyes is not her, rather just a cheap replacement. I can see the cheap quality of the plastic adorning her features. Disgusting.
If only she hadn't ran off infront of me, her impatience never led to anything good. If she had even an ounce of smarts in her brain then she would've stayed by my side. She was always so desperate to annoy me. That sealed her fate. But i can't blame her. No. I don't know why im even going down that route. I love her. I loved her. It was that driver, probably off his rockers on cheap liquor from the booze store. I can only imagine that it was the one on 34th Street, where the white paint on the walls is heavily chipped and the scent of weed and melancholia churns my stomach. Bet his choice of drink was tequila. I despise tequila.
I have to snap out of my thoughts. Its too much, im in public, not the privacy of my room. Zoning out is not allowed in a place like this, the venue will be done soon. Funerals have time limits after all.
My vision focuses on her face once more. If it was her real body then it'd scare me. Thats what i think at least. Though, i can't help but wonder if i really would feel that way. Would it be worse if i felt an indifference to seeing her soft red guts on display? Or if i had felt something more? Something soft in my chest and my groins. No.. no, that's definitely worse. Maybe its best i don't know the answer to how i would react but theres a deep curiosity inside of me i can't deny. I'd never admit it out loud. That'd be insane.
I move away from the casket, sitting lazily on the nearest chair. This is not the start of the funeral anymore. We are at the after party yet the plastic doll that dares to represent her is still there. Its almost mocking.
"How you feeling, man?" The smell of food fills my nostrils, and i see the blur of someone i know sit in the chair next to me. My head turns to the input, almost automatically. My gaze goes to the plate adorned in his hands first. To even think of eating food in a situation like this churns my insides like im made of playdough.
"Im fine." My gaze then flickers up to him, his eyes boring right into mine. Yes, i know him. Its her brother. I didn't care to learn his name or even give him a chance before. His eyes narrow on me, not with judgement or annoyance but pity. Pity for me. Like im some starving puppy hes found on the side of the road.
"Doesn't seem so. You seem hung up." I can feel a sense of annoyance grow inside me as his lips turn into a pout. I've never been one for conversation in times like this. I dont like feeling vulnerable sure, but it isn't about that. "About her i mean."
"Well gee, i wonder why that is. Can't you just let me mourn in peace?" I bark out sharply. I can't stand him. Or anyone for that matter. Its the insistence. The insistence on picking apart everything, acting like they know every little thing about me and my emotions. They don't.
"Sorry, i just-" I didn't mean to outburst on him but god his reaction makes it all worth it. That look of sheepishness. He can't even meet my gaze anymore. "She really loved you." Those eyes returning to meet mine like he did something. I can see that fear cause his eyes to widen slightly, he knows that was stupid to say.
"I am well aware" Im being a dick, its unlike me. The words drawling from my mouth seem wrong, like im a puppet to something bigger than myself. "Why don't you tell me something i don't know? Or are you too useless to do that?" Who am i anymore? Pettiness like this is a level i would never normally stoop.
There's a long silence between us. Agonising. Like a stab to the gut, twisting the blade into my intestines. It seems he's thinking hard, maybe i shouldntve pushed this situation this way. Why didn't i just act nice for once?
"Do you wish she was still alive? Like she could be brought back from the dead like a miracle of nature?" Cutting through my thoughts is the screech of his voice. But the words? They confuse me. What sort of a question is that?
"Yeah. That's all i could ever want." My tone softens with those words. There's something in my throat that makes me want to comply. He's the closest thing i have to her. God, he really is. "Why? What are you trying to get at here?"
"Well, have you heard of all the advancements in technology these days?" Finally, his lip curls up a bit, clearly hes hinting at something im not aware of. I would be annoyed but i like that im getting somewhere with him.
"You know i dont keep up with that sort of stuff"
"Basically, you could make an artificial version of my sister. Upload all her personality onto this new system and get sent a robot version of her!" He reels in embarrassment as i raise my eyebrow at his tone. Hes clearly excited to share that, it's kind of cute.
"That's insane..." I mumble after a few moments. "Something like that sounds straight out of a dystopian sci-fi novel. You're not pulling my leg now, are you?"
"Oh no of course not! I wouldn't do that to you at a time like this." His pale hands raise up defensively. "It's a real thing. A bit scary of a concept, i know, but it's a new exclusive thing. Early access stuff for people who dare to try something like that. It's a bit expensive from what i've seen though."
It's tempting, really tempting. I've never been one for worrying about the consequences of technology like this. I've read enough novels about this to know i should. Honestly though, it's inevitable and i wont be alive to witness the destruction these advancements will cause.
"How much?" The words fall out of my mouth a bit too carelessly, i wish it didn't. I dont want him to see me as someone weak, desperate even.
"Well, the cheapest model was about ten grand from what i sa-"
"And you think that's expensive? For something that advanced?" I spit out harshly, his mouth shutting immediately. Those thin lips pressed tightly together. I shouldntve done that.
It's silent between us again, and i feel.. guilty? I don't know how. I guess i really see her in him now, it's stupid. Silly even. My opinion on him has changed so fast, purely because of who he is. I can't help but look at him in the context of her. That soft blonde hair that has grown out so long. He's just aching for a haircut, the length is the same as hers. If i were to run my hands through it, would it feel the same as hers? Would i feel warmth in my cheeks if he touched me? If i kissed those lips, would i forget this whole thing? Forget her screams? Forget her entirely?
I can't think about this, i don't want to lose what i had over a silly man. Im just clinging to anything i can get that even reminds me of her, anything to bring me back to her soft skin brushing against my fingertips once more. It's lust. And it's a sin to feel a baseless lust for another man. Disgusting that I'd ever stoop this low. I need to break out of this silence before it consumes me whole.
"I wouldn't mind paying that much for something worth it. Why don't you tell me how to go through with this?" My body leans near his, im not playing about with him now.
"How about i send you the link to the site later?" He smiles once more. I like to see it.
"Sure. That'd be nice."
I can't blame him as he pushes his body up from his seat, hes towering over me now. As he looks down on me i just wish it was her. I wish it was her staring down at me with that damned smile.
"Ill message you tonight okay? Take it easy for a few hours. You deserve some time to mourn." Hes right. I deserve that. I deserve everything at this point. Hes finally getting it, getting me. "Goodbye for now man."
"Goodbye." Its tempting to call him love, just pretend like everything normal now. But i cant, thatd ruin what ive built in these few minutes with him.
I can't help but watch him as he goes, i can see that sympathy in his eyes before he turns away from me. He still cares about me so much. I don't know how he could ever truly feel anything for me. Before today, I've never treated him as anything more than an inconvenience. Im scum, and hes just a man. I hate that I've always abused his agape nature, like stealing Gods love from the true saints all for my selfish desires. Truly i will be judged harshly when my time comes.
And now hes gone. He didn't even have a bite of his food, he just abandoned it on the table without a second thought. I will certainly not be touching it either.
I sigh out a huff that i was holding in my chest. Now i feel nothing but loneliness. How pathetic of me. Despite everyone else at this little funeral after party knowing me, none dare to talk to me. He was the only one willing to put up with my harshness, naïvely so. Its best if i just leave, no one would blame me. My body moves on its own, automated like im not in control. I'd love nothing more than to look at the wax doll adorned in the wooden casket once more. To just stare, maybe reach a hand out to drag my index finger along its cheek. But i don't bother. Im best off never looking at the craftsmanship of it, i'd rather look at the real deal. It'd take me out of the delusion that shes intact in any discernable way, i need to confront reality no matter what.
It feels like its been no time before I've reached my home. The door pulls me out of a loop of thoughts that was only pulling me further and further away from reality. The gold doorhandle chills my hand as i unlock the door, pushing down the handle with my slender fingers. Despite everything, the root of our life remains the same. Passing through the hallway, everything is in its right place. The patterns adorned into the eggshell coloured walls still feels the same as i subconsciously push my hand against it. Its like nothing was lost when she left in such a brutal way. It should feel like something missing, but i feel normal for the moment. Its bittersweet.
Reaching the living room, i let my gaze go around the place. Yeah, its the same. Desperate to convince myself that something truly has changed with my loss, i search everywhere. Every inch of this sad little family home. Yet i can't feel that sick feeling of mourning. She didn't make this house a home. She was just a passerby, someone who never truly belonged. Maybe it'll hit me, give it a few hours of silence. I sprawl myself out on the couch. The leather succumbing under my weight as usual. Did i truly even experience loss? I feel nothing suddenly.
I know i want her back, back in my arms. I can tell that theres something hidden away in my heart but i can't reach it. This sudden apathy isn't real, it's a facade. Somehow you can fake yourself to your own conscious, i don't know how it's possible but it is. It's a phase. This'll pass. It always does.
I dont know how much time passes before my phone softly buzzes in my jean pocket. My self pitying thoughts made me forget everything, his words, the clothes that stick to my skin, even the presence of technology in this time period. Pulling out my phone, i see the message in the notification bar. I don't even open it just yet, but i can see it's a link. Suddenly, i feel something strong in my stomach and i open the message just to reach that link. I don't bother to reply with my appreciation for this man. I just need to see if this is real, that i can have her presence back in my life, even if it's fake. I don't care. Why should i care?
And my god. It is real. Like a shining light, not one made of artifical bluelight adorned in the phone. No. Something straight from the heavens, basking me in hope. Its only £10,999. He wasn't lying, why would he be lying? I don't even bother to rationalise this whole thing, my fingers just move on their own.
First, im asked to upload everything i have of her to their site. Every message, voicemail, photo, video. Everything. And disgustingly, i comply. They have every personal thing i have of her. Every dirty message I've ever recieved from her, mixed in with all the normal words as well of course. But the normal stuff doesn't matter huh? These people will have every erotic thing shes ever said to me, even every nude. I never imagined i'd ever share her delicate body with anyone. Im not that kind of man. But i still upload it anyways. These people could do anything with this words and photos. For all i know they could be sharing it around in their little offices that produce these robots. Would they laugh at how weird our relationship has been at times or would they get off on those photos of her succulent body? I feel a primal anger in my chest at the idea of anyone looking at her in that regard but i put it aside for this. This situation is different and i have to ignore the implications of it all. It feels sacrificial in a way.
Then, simply i order the model. I could go for something more expensive, more advanced. But why should i? The 'benefits' are nothing that i could care for. I just need something cheap, and fast. I need her back with me so badly. Its already done. All that money gone into this. If it's a scam, then I'll only blame myself.
And all i will do after this is simply tell him and wait.
I open up my messages again, going to her brothers contact once more. Our messages are so dry, we've only ever talked once before on here. How depressing.
'It's done.'
Send message.
And the message goes from delivered to read so quickly.
'Let me know if they actually send you the robot.' Is what appears after a few moments. Of course. How sweet.