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It wasn’t till Katsuki sat down to study that he realized he was slightly stressed. He’d gone back to the dorms with Izuku and their friends, or as many of their classmates have dubbed it, ‘The Dekusquad’. They’d all gone and unanimously decided that Izuku was more important to them socially or whatever, so they went with him first, but that's whatever because Mina won’t ever shut up about ‘The Bakusquad’. Katsuki doesn’t entirely get the whole squad thing, but he’d spent way too much of his first year fighting against it, so now he begrudgingly went along with it by choosing to ignore the title entirely. Aside from school ending, doing homework, and eating dinner, there hadn’t been much in terms of excitement.
Ever since the whole dying thing, Katsuki not only had to go to rehab for his arm but also his heart. His arm hurt like a bitch, and the amount of meds he was on thoroughly fucked with his system. A few pain meds for the first month till he chose to switch to regular ibuprofen and acetaminophen, and then there were the blood pressure and heart rate regulation pills.
Those were a special breed of awful.
Katsuki didn’t fight against the pain medicine too much after being convinced by his doctor and Izuku that it would only be temporary until the pain was something his nervous system could truly handle while also doing physical therapy. The whole thing about his heart was an entirely different story. His quirk already affected his heart as is, his blood pumping easier without strain, but that can also lead to an overload. Especially with how often he uses his quirk, the long term effects end up doing the opposite and raise your blood pressure. Before, he could mind his diet and maintain a strict regime for exercise, and he was fine.
However, after the incident, Katsuki had refused to truly acknowledge the event despite his biweekly therapy sessions and excessive prodding from Izuku, the delicate balance that needed to be maintained to keep his heart from bursting again or going into cardiac arrest had to be diligently managed. Even finding the right meds for him was a nightmare that put not only his body but his mind through unbearable torment. The typical teenage anxiety promptly spiraled into what he’d now been diagnosed with as panic disorder. Instead of being anxious about his medicine failing or causing a fatal side effect, the anxiety simply sat on the back burner in his mind, constantly simmering, waiting for something to heat up and boil over.
The best way he’d chosen to deal with it was to ignore it. It had kind of been working.
It didn’t not work.
Plus, it honestly didn’t matter. He still had to live, still had to go to school, learn, study, train, and become the number one hero. Plenty of other heroes had terrible accidents and they were able to continue on. Katsuki wasn’t going to be any different.
Katsuki settled down in his chair, pulling out two separate notebooks. One with his actual notes and the other with practice quizzes and tests, a study guide. He had one for each subject. It had been his favorite method to study since his second year in middle school. Izuku constantly teased him for it, while Katsuki would snap back by showing his grades. Izuku had never been ahead of him and clearly wouldn’t be in the future. His studying methods were typical: take notes, read the notes, and take the assessment. Somehow, Izuku managed pretty well for himself, but it wasn’t good enough. He’d have to do more than the bare minimum for studying if he wanted to beat Katsuki.
Start with calculus, then chemistry, history, and finally, hero strategies. Start with the most challenging subject and end with the easiest or most enjoyable one. Whichever felt both cognitively and emotionally easier was the best way to end any sort of study session. It would lower your stress level, and you’d be in a much better mood than if you finished with chemistry.
Fuck chemistry.
Ok, Katsuki didn’t actually mean that. He needed to know chemistry. That was his entire quirk, and chemistry be damned, he would know every in and out of his powers and use them to their best ability.
He read over the different equations they were currently learning, memorizing each variable and how to solve them before writing out questions that would practice each aspect of the equation. Tedious, yes, but it always worked. It tired him out, though, especially after a day like today. It hadn’t been particularly eventful, rather, they’d started two different units, and they were both somewhat confusing. That and he was going to be able to begin actively participating in Heroics class concerning group battles and drills. So far, he’d only been cleared for one on one sparring sessions that were closely monitored or working on his quirk with Aizawa or All Might. But next week, he’d finally be able to start doing group work again, something he’d never thought he would look forward to, but here we are.
So, after a few difficult lessons and one note from the doctor clearing him for more intense exercises, he was a bit more drained than usual for the end of the day. Katsuki reached for his water, taking a few sips before closing it and starting his homework again. He found himself reaching for it after a few minutes and then again after five, so he just kept it open and in his hand, getting in some light gripping exercises.
Katsuki finished math fairly quickly. This new unit on matrices wasn’t all that complex, it was just intimidating to look at, which was a relief. Izuku hadn’t been especially thrilled after seeing matrices up on the board today, so this would be good news for him when he came by later. Well, next is chemistry—the bane of Katsuki’s existence. He didn’t even know why he found it difficult. He learned the material quickly and was even able to help his friends with their homework, but every time he took one of his practice quizzes, there would be so much red on the paper. He’d constantly second guess his thought process and switch up varying aspects of the solving process and fuck up the entire thing in just two measly steps.
He quickly found himself tapping his foot in frustration, hoping to get this over with as soon as possible. Izuku should be here soon, and Katsuki wanted to be done with his homework before so he could properly settle down. Totally not just because he absolutely despised the subject. Totally not.
He continued reading about chemical kinetics, writing down the different examples of problems. Katsuki already felt done with this unit, and they’d only started it today, so he decided to be a little easier on himself, writing out an example problem and then listing the possible ways to solve it. Not actually solving the problem but connecting the different equations to the various variables and reaction types. His shoulders slumped in relief. If he doesn’t stress out over it too hard in the beginning, then he won’t psyche himself out later in the unit.
Katsuki finished his chemistry study guide quickly after that, moving on to history. One of the easiest subjects but not his favorite. Heroics obviously takes first place, but history is one of the more intriguing subjects. He genuinely enjoyed learning about the different historical time periods and major events that shaped Japan into what it is now. To see the things that have already happened and learn how to prevent them from happening again. While he chose to do that as a hero, many people whose quirks aren’t suited for hero work study these kinds of events and different patterns in history, then take it with them to their careers into various lines of work that still help the people. They may not come with the title of hero, but they are equally important. Something that Katsuki had come to realize and appreciate over the last year.
Heroics followed soon after. He pulled out notes on his classmates’ quirks, focusing on the new moves and skills they’d been working on. He wanted to compare, theoretically, of course, the strength and types of attacks to his own to combat them properly. If he’s able to plan ahead, it would greatly help in making the actual battle plan.
Katsuki reached again for his water bottle before realizing it was empty. He was close enough to be done, he could call it quits a little early. He walked over to his half bath, filled his bottle, and sat back on his bed. His chest felt strange, oddly heavy yet blank after moving.
Katsuki pressed his fingers to the artery in his neck, checking his pulse. It wasn’t high at all. If anything, it was rather slow, as though it were lagging. He set his water bottle down and pressed his hand to his chest as well, trying to sync the beats physically. Was it slow, or was this normal? It most certainly didn’t feel fast. His whole body felt sluggish, as though it had frozen and hadn't finished thawing.
That little pot of water simmering in his mind began to bubble. Not quite at a boil. He was clearly fine. His heart was obviously beating because he could feel it. Even if he couldn’t feel it, he was still able to tap his foot and shake his hand, he could still move and keep moving. He switched gears, if his head was going to freak out over how his heartbeat felt, then he’d just keep moving, if you’re moving, then you’re heart is beating.
You can’t move if you’re dead.
Soon enough, shaking out his hands began to lose its efficacy. His wrists began to hurt, and his right arm ached from the sudden exertion. Ok, I’ll just walk over to my desk and put away my stuff , he attempted to rationalize his thought process. Walking over stiffly, he shoved his notebooks into his bag, his movements felt sloppy and weird. Like he was pushing them through a dense fog instead of the air around him.
The pot was at a low boil now, nothing serious. He could stop it.
He would stop it.
He snatched his water off the bed, drinking it quickly but not quite chugging it, he didn’t want to refill it again. His limbs dragged with him as he walked back over to his bed, sitting on the edge so he’d have to use his legs to hold him up. That’s fine, he can work with that. It’d take a bit more effort to move, but he’d be moving, and that's what mattered. He tapped his knuckles on his knee, focusing on the feeling of the bone being knocked and listening for the sound. Use all your senses.
God, this was stupid. So fucking stupid. Izuku was about to be here, and of course, his heart would act up. Of fucking course.
The pot was boiling.
Katsuki switched to knocking his knuckles right over his chest, the feelings of bone against bone echoing loudly in his head to the tempo of his heart. He continued to drink his water, pausing every minute or so to breathe, but with every breath, his heartbeat became louder, the knocks on his chest louder. He could hear it, feel it beating. The pace fast and harsh and sharp. God, now his heart was beating too fast. But his medicine will bring it back down. That’s the whole goddamn point of taking them, so why was his heart racing . Thrashing in his ribcage as though it were trying to break the bone that encased it.
Why aren’t the pills working? Why is it getting faster? Why is my chest so tight? Why can’t I breathe? Why am I seeing static?
The pot boiled over. The water burned everything it touched.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck .” Katsuki wheezed, unable to correct his breathing, unable to count five things he could see, four things he could touch, three things he could hear, two things he could smell, and one thing he could taste. God, why didn’t he do that in the fucking first place? In the thick of it all, through the sludge stuffed in his head, he knew that his heart hadn’t stopped beating, that he wasn’t going to spontaneously go into cardiac arrest. He knew , but he could feel it stopping. He could feel it spiking up higher and higher. He could feel his heart thump so fiercely it throbbed in his chest.
He wanted it out .
He wanted to rip open his chest and snatch his heart out. Throw it onto the ground where it couldn’t vibrate through his skin, where it couldn’t shake his very bones and rattle his skull. Katsuki just wanted it gone. If it was gone, then he would be fine. As long as he doesn’t know, as long as he’s not aware. Let him be ignorant of the state of his heart. Katsuki doesn’t want the thump of his blood in his veins. He doesn’t want the echoes in his ears. He doesn’t want it.
He doesn’t want it. Katsuki clutched at his chest, he could faintly feel seams ripping in his shirt as he tugged at it. Glassy eyes stared at the floor, trying to discern the carpet from the white and black splotches filling his vision.
“ Kacchan! ” Katsuki gawked at the sight of Izuku abruptly on the floor, eyes wide and chest heaving. He hadn’t even heard Izuku knock, much less the door opening. Izuku was here. Thank god .
Izuku gently pried the water bottle out of his hand, shifting to take the hand slowly ripping his shirt. Izuku’s face was scrunched up in worry, his eyebrows high and his mouth opening and closing uncertainly. Even with Izuku here, Katsuki still couldn’t rid the sensation of his heartbeat, any of the sensations. He continued to gasp for air, his heart still throbbing, still thrumming against his bones, his skin. Red eyes widened as he struggled to keep the oxygen in. Izuku began to turn splotchy,
“Kacchan, are you ok? What happened? Kacchan, please breathe. Breathe ,” Izuku moved closer to him, his eyes searching for something concrete in Katsuki’s, something solid to hold his gaze. The blond tried. He really did. Katsuki attempted to slow his breaths, holding Izuku’s hands so tightly his knuckles were bright white. He took a deep breath, letting it settle in his chest, sink down past his heart, and to his diaphragm. Izuku smiled at him. It was a tight smile, lips sealed together, the corners not reaching his eyes. Izuku nodded and blew out his own breath, encouraging Katsuki to copy. He did. He copied, letting the air flow out, sweeping across his skin as though a blanket had been laid on him. Katsuki took another breath, a deeper one, one he could feel filling up his lungs, pushing against his heart, against his ribcage. Pressure. So much.
It hurt .
Katsuki began to fall forward, catching himself slightly, and snapped his eyes shut. Too much air. If you take a deep breath too soon, too close to barely having any, you’ll have a sudden rush of oxygen to your brain. It makes you lightheaded, dizzy, sometimes you can pass out depending on the severity.
Katsuki yanked his hands back, one digging the heel into his eye and tugging at his bangs while the other went back to his chest. Once again, knuckles struck his chest in beat, matching the pace. The rhythm was far too fast but was beating, and he could feel it. It was beating, and he was alive .
“Your heart,” Katsuki could barely hear Izuku under the roaring in his ears. Nodding faintly before freezing again, his knocking came down harder, faster.
“Kacchan, look at me. It’s alright, I promise. Please, Kacchan!” Izuku almost sounded pleading, but the blond kept his eyes shut. If he opened them, he might not see anything, which meant he would pass out, which would put stress on his heart, which could kill him .
Again .
Izuku’s whole body was tense with anxiety, unsure of whether or not he should be prepared to catch Katsuki or guide him to lie down. Panic attacks were finicky things, one thing may cause an attack, and then two weeks later it won’t. One coping mechanism may work but it also may not the next time. Laying down could help ease the tension on your body, help you relax, and settle into the comfort of not holding yourself up. But it could also set you off kilter. If you’re already lightheaded, you will go dizzy. Your world will turn as soon as your head lays flat since your feet aren’t grounded. Izuku had no clue as to what Katsuki was feeling.
The blond was shaking . His chest rattled as he struck it, unable to breathe clearly. Izuku stood up, guiding his boyfriend to lay his forehead against him, to rest, to anchor. He gently took the hand pressing against the blond’s face, and brought it up to his neck, so Katsuki could feel his pulse and not his own. Katsuki stiffened, unsure whether he should snatch his hand away or let it stay. When Katsuki let himself lean further, his elbow now resting on Izuku’s chest, Izuku slowly took the hand, still knocking away. Izuku took it in his own, holding it in a fist, and began beating gently on his own chest, right above his heart. It was Katsuki’s right hand, the one he’d been holding into a fist and pounding into his chest. Izuku knew it hurt. He knew that Katsuki’s arm was going to hurt, his muscles would ache from exertion, from the sudden overuse.
He’d probably set himself back in physical therapy.
Izuku shook his head, ridding himself of that thought. That was not the problem at hand. Izuku maintained the steady thumping of their hands on his chest, breathing in slow and measured breaths. Katsuki shakily began to follow. His breaths calmed down, evening out. He no longer shook from each inhale, but his hands continued to.
“It’s alright, Kacchan. I’ve got you. I’m here,” He whispered, leaning down to press a soft kiss to the crown of the blond’s head. Katsuki released a shaky sigh from the contact, sinking further into Izuku and letting his body turn to lead. Izuku grunted from the sudden weight, steeling his legs so as not to fall backward.
“It's so fucking stupid,” Katsuki muttered. The hand at Izuku’s pulse point lowered, taking Izuku’s other hand and pulling it into his lap to hold. Izuku said nothing, if he did, then they’d never talk about this again.
“Everything was fine. I finished my homework, I got my water, and my heart just,” he sucked in a breath, “exploded. Not literally. It was like it had exploded, and my body was my heart, it was everywhere, and it just wouldn’t stop .” Katsuki’s voice wavered, he paused as he attempted to ground himself. “What's awful is that I thought it had. Or that it was going to, which is stupid . It kept slowing down, and I thought it was going to slow down so much my heart would just stop, but then it didn’t . It got so fast. So fucking fast.
“It felt like a fucking heart attack. I felt like I would drop dead wherever I stood. So I sat down and drank my water. If I died, I wouldn’t be able to, but then it really felt like I was going to die, so I just kept hitting. If I could move my hand, then it hadn’t stopped yet, that it hadn’t fucking exploded .” Izuku let the hand on his chest slow to a stop, just letting them lay flat.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry , Kacchan,” Izuku squeezed the hand holding his. “I’m sorry that you felt like that and I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there last time, but I’m here now. I’m here, and I’ve got you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here sooner, that I wasn’t fast enough.” Katsuki pulled back enough to look up at Izuku and scoffed.
“Your fucking martyr complex came out again,” Izuku’s eyes widened before looking away sheepishly.
“It ain’t your fault, ok? It just happens. It's gonna keep happening whether I want it to or not. It’s stupid-” “It’s not stupid, Kacchan!”
“Shut up, lemme finish.”Katsuki huffed at being interrupted. “It is stupid that it's happening at all. That I’m the one fucking dealing with panic attacks about whether my heart is gonna fucking stop or explode any second, even though I know that it's not. I knew that whole time. I knew I was fine and that my heart was still beating and it was gonna keep beating, but it was like I couldn’t convince my body. It just wouldn’t stop, and it's not going to stop. This is gonna fucking haunt me for the rest of my life, and I can’t do shit about it!” Red eyes welled with tears, but none fell. He wasn’t going to cry. He was fine. There wasn’t anything wrong.
“Oh, Kacchan,” Izuku cupped the blond’s cheek, rubbing his thumb against the cheekbone. “You’ll be ok, and it will get better. You went through something absolutely terrible. You literally died , Kacchan! You died, and you came back because Edgeshot sewed your heart back together! You came back to life, and now you’re stuck remembering every part of you dying,” Now Izuku was crying because who is he if not a crybaby.
“I don’t want you to remember, I don’t want to either. I wish it didn’t happen at all, but it did. So now we fight. You will fight it, and you will win. Kacchan always wins,” Izuku smiled softly while Katsuki rolled his eyes.
“You’re a fucking sap,” the blond scooted back on the bed, resting against the wall and pulling Izuku with him. Katsuki wasn’t forthcoming when it came to asking for physical contact. He would just put Izuku where he wanted him. Either maintaining silence or continuing the conversation as though nothing had occurred, and right now was no different. Once Izuku was leaning against the wall, Katsuki shifted so he could lay his head in the crook of the other’s neck. Resting his legs across and reaching for his hand to hold. Izuku swiftly gave it to him. Izuku had no problem asking for or giving cuddles, so he always went along with Katsuki. Now situated, Katsuki sighed heavily.
“You know what makes it even worse?”
“Hm?”
“I took my meds with dinner,” Izuku could feel the blond’s scowl. “Like I do every other fucking night and now I’m too tired to do anything aside from lay here and go to sleep since my brain decided to fucking spaz out!” Izuku chuckled, Katsuki loved to talk before they went to bed. It didn’t matter what they talked about, if it was important or mindless, relevant or theoretical. Katsuki loved talking to Izuku because he loved hearing Izuku talk. Hearing him get excited and ramble about anything. Would Katsuki tell him that? Fuck no. But he’d ask any question he could think of to keep the conversation going.
“That’s alright, Kacchan. You know that I don’t mind. Plus, I already got ready for bed, brushed my teeth and everything!”
“Were you just gonna spend the night here without even asking?” Katsuki arched an eyebrow as Izuku flushed under the tease.
“Maybe, but now I’m definitely staying, whether you say I can or not!” He proudly declared, shooting the blond a wide grin that did meet his eyes this time. Katsuki laughed quietly, too tired to hide it.
“You know I’d never say no to that. Hell, I probably would’ve trapped you here if you didn't want to.”
“Kacchan! That’s so mean!”
“And? I want to sleep with my boyfriend. How awful of me,” Katsuki drawled. He pointed toward the pillows. Izuku quickly got the message, and they shifted so they were lying down.
“Kacchan isn’t awful. Kacchan is the best boyfriend!” Now it was Katsuki’s turn to blush, the tips of his ears turning a light pink.
“Shut the fuck up, Nerd!” He turned to bury his face into Izuku’s shoulder, escaping the teasing look.
“Well, then, I guess I can’t tell Kacchan about the new All Might documentary coming out about his fight with All for One 10 years ago,” That definitely got Katsuki’s attention because he went back to resting his cheek on Izuku’s chest, albeit with a slight pout. Izuku smiled, holding the other while Katsuki held his hand close to his face. He had this habit of resting it right under his chin, holding Izuku’s hand tightly enough that he wouldn’t be able to take it back even if he wanted to. Not that he wanted to. Izuku would give Katsuki anything he wanted.
Izuku then told Katsuki everything he knew about the documentary. Who filmed it, who produced it, who the interviewer was, where it was shot, how long it was when it came out, etc. He only stopped once he realized Katsuki was almost asleep, his chest rising and falling slowly, and his face held no tension. Katsuki didn’t always keep his face in a scowl, much to everyone’s disbelief. He actually kept his eyebrows slightly raised, even when he was just relaxing, and nobody was looking at him. Izuku’s pretty sure he trained himself into it. If you do something long enough, it becomes a habit, muscle memory. But when he did truly rest his face, he looked so soft . His eyebrows settled lower, making him look genuinely at ease instead of his normally indifferent but placid ‘resting face’. Katsuki also had naturally quirked up lips. Not incredibly so, but just enough that it looked like he had a small smile, content. You couldn’t see it unless you were close enough, the detail so small that Izuku is honestly probably the only one who knows about it.
“Good night, Kacchan,” Izuku kissed the blond’s forehead gently. “I love you,” he whispered, unsure if the other was asleep yet or just on the cusp.
“‘Night,” Katsuki answered, nuzzling further into Izuku’s shoulder. “I love you too, Izuku.”